01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

If someone asked me the
biggest difference

between the suburbs
and Manhattan,

i will have to say...

It's the moms.

It's like the million mom march

the place is crawling with them.

They're in the malls,

they're at the rock concerts,

they're shuffling out
of the tanning salon

with their manipedi flip flops,
with theirs ever present daughters,

and enormous frozen coffee drinks.

Now, the whole mom thing
is little foreign to me.

My mom ducked out shortly after
they cut the umbilical cord,

so having grown up
with just my dad

really made me wonder.

(Man) ♪ just 'cause
I'm a gangster ♪

♪ just 'cause I'm a gangster ♪
♪ just 'cause I'm a gangster ♪

♪ just 'cause
I'm a gangster ♪

What is it with these mothers?

♪ Gangster music,
it just don't stop ♪

They're people, okay?

Just like you and me.

(Girl) Things had been
a little tense between us

since the unauthorized
search and seizure

dad conducted in my room.

First he searched,

then he had a total seizure.

He pulled me out of school,
bubble-wrapped my life,

and threw it in the back
of a moving truck.

I went from here...

Good-bye,
Washington Square Park.

Good-bye,
sexually active classmates.

To here.

Pretty ironic
that a box full of rubbers

landed me in a town
full of plastic.

What color
would you call that?

Circus peanut?

Or maybe it's more
in the vomit family.

Well, I guess that depends
on what you ate,

maybe... lobster bisque.

No. No, I'm talking about

Why don't you grab your bag

and go criticize
the inside of the house?

♪

Yoo-hoo!
Neighbor!

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

Hiya, neighbor. I'm Sheila.

Are you the new family
from New York?

Nice.

What? You taught me
not to talk to strangers.

Come on in. This is it.

Huh?

It's pretty big, right? Bigger
than your room in the city.

Can you picture yourself

living a-a normal,
adolescent existence here?

I don't know.

It's kind of girlie.

Well, you're a girl.

Yeah, but I'm not a cat clock
kind of girl.

What if you are
a cat clock kind of girl

and you just don't know it yet?

Yeah.

I'm not.

The next morning,
i was startled awake

by an unfamiliar sound...
(Gasps)

No garbage trucks,
no taxi cabs,

no car alarms?

Silence.

It's too quiet.

(Birds chirping)

(Sheila) Yoo-hoo!

Tell your wife I'm gonna
drop off a pot roast!

Uh, I don't have a wife.

(Voice echoes) Don't have
a wife. Don't have a wife.

Don't have a wife.

(Car alarms blaring in distance,
dogs barking)

(Scoffs) Crap.

Okay, so you... you ready
for your welcome present?

Oh, my God.
Is it a car?

I might have oversold.

Ta-da!

"Ta-da" is what you say
when something good happens.

Come on.
It's... it's cool.

Yeah. I can keep
my adult undergarments

in the wicker basket.

Stop it.

This is an elderly
person's bike, George.

- Don't call me George.
- This is Betty White's bike.

And besides,
I don't even know how to ride.

Well, learning is gonna be

one of the fun suburban things
we get to do together.

But as for today,
you're gonna have to walk

because I have a consultation
on a remodel

right after my breakfast
at the country club.

Breakfast at the country club?

Mm-hmm.

Do you realize that
your street cred

just disintegrated
with that very sentence?

Didn't realize
I had street cred.

- Now it's gone.
- Damn.

And I'm sure the club sounds
a lot fancier than it is.

(Women) ♪ ba, da, da,
doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ bada, doo, bada, doo ♪

♪ ba, da, da, doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ bada, doo, bada, doo ♪

Hi.

Sorry. I don't...

Belong here.

George, buddy!
Over here in the shallow end!

(Woman) Hey, honey.
Yeah! (Laughs)

My friend.

There you are!
What is up?

Look at you!

Oh, my God!

Aah!
You're as pale as a corpse.

Really? Well, you're... you're
the color of a nerf ball.

I am sun-kissed.
Look at the face.

You look exactly the same
as you did in college.

Yeah, you do, too,
except maybe a little blonder.

Are you blonder?

I better be blonder. I spent
a lot of money to be blonder.

(Laughs)

We use foils.

So how do you like suburbia?
It's gorgeous, right?

(Clears throat)

I mean,
green grass, blue skies,

nothing smells like urine...
(Spraying)

Look at this. She's texting.

That woman's about to walk
into the pool. Ma'am!

Ma'am! Ma'am! Whoa!

You'd be amazed
how often that happens.

Good news is,

because of the implants,
nobody drowns. (Laughs)

They're completely buoyant.

All of 'em.
You are gonna have a field day.

Yeah, well, this might come
as a surprise to you,

but that kind of thing
doesn't really appeal to me.

I'm more attracted to

the school system,
the clean air.

But you can't have sex with
the school system. Not really.

I mean,
you came here for the kid.

I get that.

I'm just saying that this whole
displaced new yorker thing

you've got going
is gonna k*ll out here.

It's gonna k*ll.
Mm.

Look. Our waitress is
eye-humping you right now.

(Laughs)

- Hey.
- Hey.

Would you gentlemen care to
hear our specials today?

Ooh.

We have a seafood eggs Benedict

served with
the blackened shrimp.

We also have
an extremely tender, local,

farm-raised waitress
named Jocelyn

served on a bed
of your choosing.

I'm gonna have the shrimp.

Shrimp... shrimp's probably
a better choice.

♪

To properly navigate suburbia,

one needs a stay-at-home mom
to drive you places.

Without one, you're living
like the early settler.

I mean,
is that what dad wanted?

For me to become
some zombie-eyed girl

in the back
of a fully loaded S.U.V.?

(Horn honks)
(Boy) Yo!

At that precise moment,
i had no idea what it was.

Ow.

But I would later find out

this was the official drink
of suburbanites.

It was sugarfree Red Bull.

(Sips)

Are you a lesbian?

You mean because I'm not dressed
like I have a pole in my locker?

Those are lesbian boots.
(Door opens)

Tessa, I'm Mr. Wolf,
your guidance counselor.

I'm here to help you
absolutely any time you need...

Between the hour
of 12:00 and 12:45 P.M.

And this is Dalia.
Dalia is your buddy.

How so?

Buddies are volunteers who show
new students around the school.

For extra credit.

For extra credit.

- Buddies are not your friends.
- Not necessarily, no.

Have you ever thought of maybe
calling them something else?

That look said it all...

Welcome to suburgatory.

(Man) ♪ one, two, three, four ♪

♪

(Doorbell rings)

Coming!

Hi. I'm Dallas.

You must be
George the architect.

Wow. That... that is not
a good way to answer the door.

Beg pardon?

(Chuckles) Well, you j... you just
supplied a complete stranger

with all the information
he would need.

All the information
he would need for what?

He could just say,
"why, yes, Dallas,

I am George the architect,"

and... and step inside
your insanely lavish foyer

and, you know...

(Makes squishing sound)

(Grunts)

So are you an architect
or are you gonna come in

and... (Makes squishing sound
and grunts)

'Cause you look like
an architect.

I'm an architect.

Okay, good.
So come on in.

This is Dalia's bedroom.

She's my princess.

My miracle.

This is
where we keep her denim,

and that's her shoe closet,

segregated by heels, wedges,
flats, and mules.

Mules?

Those are backless shoes,
George. (Chuckles)

And this is her...

Creation station...

Home of her blushers,
her lip lacquers,

her nail care...

Her hair extensions,

her tanning solutions
and so forth.

You got the whole
teenage girl thing down.

Girls can be so insecure
at this age,

and I just want my Dalia
to feel beautiful,

hence the renovation.

I would like a skylight

put over
the place where she slumbers.

Can I...

Can I ask you a question

completely unrelated
to the skylight?

Well, of course.

What would a mom like you do

if you found condoms
in her drawer?

What kind of condoms?

Uh, latex.

Opened or unopened?

- Oh, unopened.
- Okay.

Unopened box of condoms

that she said belonged
to a friend of hers.

I think I would have
to trust her.

After all, they were
just in the drawer.

She wasn't trying very hard
to hide them,

which makes me think she must
trust me, so I would trust her.

Oh, George,

it must be hard raising her
all on your own.

Okay.
So people around here gossip.

It's just neighbors
being neighbors,

but I'll tell you
who to watch out for.

Sheila.
Sheila Shay?

She's had 14 fibroids removed
from her u-taytay.

Anyway, she's a real gossip.

Uh, yeah,
actually, Sheila Shay...

She dropped off a pot roast
for us this morning.

Well, it takes a village.

Yeah, but what Tessa
really needs

doesn't come
in a cast-iron pot.

She needs
some of this motherly love.

Oh.

Yeah, maybe a unicorn

and some sparkly stuff.

(Chuckles)
Maybe some dead hair.

Well, you're in luck, 'cause you
are looking at the mall queen.

I can give you a guided tour.

(Gasps) Maybe even today
after school.

We could take Tessa to all
of Dalia's favorite shops.

Oh, she will love it,

and she'll love Dalia.
Everybody does.

I hated Dalia.

Her personality was
as flat as her hair.

Glee club.

Bleachers.

Cafeteria.

Nose job.

Nose job.
Nose job. Nose job.

I guess I know what
the most popular elective is.

Diversity student.

Malik.

Hello.

Oral arts.

(Girls cheering)
What's wrong with those two?

They have team spirit.

And is that just something
that clears up on its own?

Of all the places on my tour,

i liked
the handicapped bathroom best.

In Manhattan,
the handicapped bathroom

would have leased
for $950 a month.

I stayed there
all through lunch.

(Door opens)

(Footsteps approaching)

(Dalia) So, Lisa,

your brother must
be really jealous of you.

Why would he be
jealous of me?

Well, because you can grow
a mustache, and he can't.

(Girls laugh)

(Girl) Did you see her face?
(Laughs)

I had not intended to make
any new friends.

My plan was to serve my time
and get out.

But this girl looked even
more miserable than I was.

Hey. I know how it feels
to get picked on,

and if you ever need
anyone to talk to...

Stay away from me,
you lesbian!

So my classmates thought
i was a "vagitarian,"

my dad thought I was a nympho,

and I was starting to feel like

i was living in a horror movie,

some white picket fence
nightmare.

They say New York is
intimidating,

but these people seem like
the type who'd eat their young.

I was halfway home...
(Growls)

(Gasps)
(Barks)

When I got body-snatched.
(Brakes squeal)

Tessa.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Whose car is this?

Hey, girl!
I'm a friend of your daddy's.

She is?

Don't be rude, Tessa.
Get in the car.

(The Ting Tings'
"That's not my name" playing)

They were taking me
to the one place on Earth

they knew
i would never survive...

The juniors section
at the mall.

Oh, my gosh! Look how cute
these boyfriend shorts are!

I mean, whose boyfriend
are we talking about?

This will show off
my belly ring.

You know what else
those will show off?

Your vag*na.

Are... are the lights
really bright in here?

I feel... I feel like
there's less oxygen somehow.

Oh, sweetheart.
Is the music especially loud in here?

I feel like the music is
especially loud in here.

- Honey. Honey.
- What?

You need to go grab a snack
at the food court,

and then have a seat over there
on the dad couch.

D... oh. (Chuckles)

Yeah, okay. Oh, sweetheart,
you want anything?

No, she certainly does not.

We don't gorge ourselves
on salty snacks

while we're trying on clothes.
Why?

(Dalia) - Bloating.
- That's just girl 101.

Bloating. Okay, girl 101.

Right. Okay. I'm gonna, uh,
go sit on the dad couch,

stay out of your way,
let the ladies do their thang.

Hey. Look at this. Cute.

If if you run into my dad,

tell him I hate it here
and I want to go home.

(Chuckles)

Just kidding.

Mom.

Ooh, it's a little long.
I could hem it.

(Woman) ♪ uh-huh,
♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

It's so lame your mom d*ed,
beeyotch.

My mom... (Scoffs) Didn't die.
She's just gone.

So you became a lesbian
to get back at her.

What?
(Knock on door)

(Dallas) Tessa, if you need any
help or you have any questions

or you feel lost
or unattractive in any way,

just let me know.

I know why
we're doing all this.

It's because your mom
feels sorry for me.

No, it's because my mom wants
to screw your dad.

Doesn't your mom
screw your dad?

(Scoffs) No.

The suspense is k*lling me.

I'm dying to see how cute
you girls look.

I'm buying this.

Oh, my goodness, Tessa.

Look at you.

That is a keeper.

That top is just off
the chizzy, is it not?

Oh, this is going straight
to the register.

Hey.
Oh, honey, it's just us girls.

Oh, dear Lord.
Who did this to you?

What?

This?

I-I ordered it from
a sporting good catalog.

What's the problem?

Well,
it's downright orthopedic.

It's like a giant ace bandage,

like something
a burn victim would wear.

Are you calling my bra ugly?

Well, yes, honey, I am,
because it is ugly,

and I would love to find one
for you that isn't,

along with a nice,
heterosexual dress shoe.

(Closes zipper)

That night,
I decided to debut a new look.

I called it mall skank.

Tessa, please.
Dinner's getting cold.

What are we eating?
It smells like passover.

Oh, there she is!
Cute outfit alert.

- Cute outfit alert.
- Hey!

What... what is that?
What are you wearing?

Uh, this is the outfit
you bought me at the mall.

- Don't you like it?
- Yeah.

No. All right, let's eat.

Can I say something?

This is really nice,
isn't it?

Yes. When was the last time
dad put a home-cooked meal

- on the table?
- I brought my own dinner.

Okay, that is not dinner.

Uh, haven't you heard?

George, the girls here
don't eat dinner.

That's how they keep their
body weight under 80 pounds.

Bikini ready by summer.

(Clicks tongue)
Don't you open that drink.

You want me to be just like
the suburban girls, don't you?

Don't you dare open that drink,
Tessa.

No, I forbid you to open that...
(Can fizzes)

Ooh.

Don't even put that straw
in that can.

- That's the last straw.
(Chuckles) - Do...

- Tessa, don't you dare take a sip.
(Under breath) - She's gonna take a sip.

That is not your dinner.
This is your dinner.

Ahh!

O... you know what, then?

Then you... you're gonna go to bed
without dinner.

Oh, God, George! (Scoffs)

- Well...
- I don't even recognize you.

It's like... it's like
you're one of them.

- What'd I do?
- Sweetheart, I'm trying to give you

what all these other girls have.

Oh, well, I'm not
all these other girls,

and I don't want
what they have!

All right.

This was voted
the fifth best place

in the country to raise kids.

I don't have kids.

You ruined my life!

Oh, I did not ruin your life!
(Door slams)

I think I ruined her life.

The next morning,
we didn't speak much.

Instead, dad and I
expressed our feelings

through passive-aggressive
reference books.

Okay.

Remember that time
you got me that goldfish

and you said I had to take care
of it all by myself

and I was so excited
to show you that I could

that I rushed home from school
and I cleaned out the bowl,

and I changed the water,
and I threw the fish in there,

but the water was too cold
and the fish went into shock

and got these little tiny
bubbles all over his body

and then d*ed?

Yeah.

I feel like the fish.

Okay.

Well...

You remember the time I-I tried
to show you that Fellini movie

and you refused to watch it
because it was

in black and white
and had subtitles

and you said
it looked dumb and boring,

but then they made you
watch it at school

and it turned out
you actually loved it?

Yeah.

I feel like this is
a Fellini movie.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh. Hello.

My mom sent me over here
to get her pot back.

Oh, I didn't take
your mom's pot.

I don't even smoke pot.

Her pot...

From last night?

It's red with
a silver rooster on it?

How'd that roast
work out for you?

That's your mom?

Yeah.

(Pitbull) ♪ now watch me make
a movie like Albert Hitchcock ♪

♪ I know you want me ♪

Is that your brother?

♪ You know I want ya,
want ya ♪

♪ I know you want me ♪

♪ you know I want ya ♪

Yeah.

♪ I know you want me ♪

(Sighs)

Come on in.

We didn't clean it.

That's okay.

I only freaked out on you
in the girls' room

because I didn't want
to get made fun of anymore.

Yeah. I get it.

It's okay.

We're cool.

Cool.

(Knock on door)

Tessa? Your dad said
I could come up.

Can I come in?

You're already in.

Um, about the other day,

I acted like a biznitch,

and I just wanted to say
how sorry I am.

It's just,
I'm of the mind... set

that every girl
should be given a bra

by somebody who knows
a thing or two about bras.

Well, I will leave
the two of you alone.

(Pats leg)

It was presumptuous.

It was inappropriate,

and it was by far,

the prettiest thing I owned.

So maybe these moms
weren't all bad,

and maybe, sometimes,

underneath a pair
of giant, synthetic breasts,

you can find
a giant, nonsynthetic heart.

That's when I realized,

it wasn't just me
who was stuck in suburgatory.

Dad was here, too.

Yoo-hoo! George!

I heard you met
my friend Jocelyn at the club.

Said the two of you
really hit it off.

We sure did, Sheila.

There he is. (Chuckles)
There's my boyfriend!

Hi, George!

I'm stalking you!

(Laughs)

Uh-oh!

Yeah. Yeah.

The way I saw it, we'd need
two things to survive...

a*t*matic sprinklers...

- Beautiful lawn.
- Beautiful.

- Beautiful.
- Love it.

And a restraining order.