01x06 - Charity Case

[bunniefuu]

At the risk of sounding positive,

I love it when it rains in
suburbia.

You don't have to water!

It's already watering.

At the risk of sounding negative,

people all here are stupid.

And wasteful.

Do you guys know
how much food do we waste?

It's not food.
It's garbage.

But it's not. Look.

She's digging through the trash.
(Dishes clanking)

See? A perfectly good apple.
You can still eat it.

You do... eat, don't you?

We eat.

- I feel bloated.
- Let's walk it off.

Yeah. Go burn off that mint.

(Crunches)

I think I had proven my point.

I had also proven
that the 5-second rule

is too generous when it comes
to produce from the trash.

So, Tessa, things good?

You settling in,
making friends?

No unwanted pregnancies
I should know about?

Nope. I am without baby.

Great, then I will mark you
down as counseled,

and we'll have another
personal interaction in two more months.

Works for me.

You know... (sighs) This kind
of complacency really ticks me off.

- What?
- I asked for chicken and stars,
not chicken and rice.

(Sloshes)

- It's a pandemic.
- Cafeteria incompetence?

Wastefulness.

You guys throw out
a lot of food.

That soup was wrong.

If it was right,
I would have eaten it.

Totally.

I'm just saying,
people who throw out rice
for not being stars

might have more
than they actually need...

I see.

So maybe...

Maybe the school could donate the extra food
to the needy instead of dumping it.

The needy... is that
with a "Y" or an "I-E"?

The needy?
They're with a "Y".

Needy. People who need.

Need.

Food, clothing, help.

- Tessa, do you know what this is?
- A dramatic mood shift?

Teachable moment, a cause that the students
can get involved in, and you can spearhead.

- I don't normally spearhead.
- Impromptu assembly,

poignant video presentation,
soulful soundtrack...

Maybe
early Sarah McLachlan...

Colorful, stretchy
awareness bracels.

I love it!

♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ da-da-da-da,
da, da, da, da ♪

We got the towel warmers.
We got a heated floor.

Uh, we got the bidet. That's for Jill,
though she never uses it, though she should.

Though I wish you
hadn't shared that.

We got the infinity bathtub.

We got
the Japanese talking toilet,

and then this is the star
of the show...

Walk-in steam shower

with multiple heads, plus one
that cleans your undercarriage,

and I'm talking
squeaky clean.

Well, what can I say? It's a...
It's a k*ller bathroom, man.

Yes, she is, but do you know
the one thing she's missing?

Modesty?

(Chuckles) A skylight.
That's why I called you.

Yeah, but I'm really trying to focus on
new builds and renovations.

But you're
the skylight king.

Not... not a title I chose.

No, that is a title
you earned.

I put in one skylight
for Dallas.

Skylight king!

It's not like you're gonna be
working for some taskmaster.

You're gonna be working
for me, your friend.

Okay.

All right.

Let's... let's build you
a skylight.

(Aristocratic voice)
Well, thank you, my liege.
Thank you.

Yes. Oh, yes.
The king grows weary. Away.

(Automated voice)
Why are you throwing away that food?

You have not eaten it yet.

I had my lunch.

This was leftover.

All leftovers go
into the trash.

Yes, however, there is still
plenty of good food on your plate.

Who are you,
the fascist food police?

Let's get fired up.

(Both) Together we can feed
the world.

(Amplified voice) I think we all
got the message here today.

We have a problem
right here in Chatswin,

and if it weren't for the courage
of a certain redheaded bear,

we wouldn't even be
talking about it.

I give you that bear.
I give you Tessa Altman.

Come on down.

(Creaks)

(Amplified voice) Um...

Hey, try not to waste
so much food.

Questions and comments.
Questions and comments.

Questions or comments?

Ahem.

Dalia?

Okay, so one time I was
on vacation, right?

And I walked outside my hotel
to where the locals live,

and I saw things.

So what did you see?

Suffering.
Endless suffering.

Their hair was so frizzy.

Their... hair?

Yeah. The humidity in Orlando
is brutal,

and their skin was, like,
totally jacked up.

You guys, people are
dying over there.

We need to help them!

What can we do?

They're not dying!

Where is Orlando?

Our gardener's name
is Orlando.

Guys, the people of Florida
are fine. Trust me.

They have the Everglades
and assisted living.

We should raise money
for them.

(Students murmur)

No! Down.

We should send them
clarisonic face brushes.

They're really good
for your complexion, you guys.

Mr. Wolfe?

She's not wrong.

They are really good
for your complexion.

So it's decided.

Chatswin high school's

first semiannual Florida clarisonic
face brush fund-raiser,

and here's the girl that made it
all happen... Tessa Altman.

(Cheering)

Okay, that's that. (Sighs)

(Alexandra Stan's "Mr. Saxobeat"
playing)

Anybody home?

Hello?

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

Whoo!

♪ Mm, yeah ♪

♪ mm, yeah, oh, oh, yeah ♪

(Gurgles) Mmm.

♪ Mm, yeah,
oh, yeah, mm, yeah ♪

Hello.

Wow, you ain't kiddin'.

♪ Mm, yeah, mm, yeah ♪

♪ you make me this,
bring me up, bring me down ♪

(Screaming)
Aah!

♪ Make me move
like a freak, ♪

Oh, crap. Aah!

(Grunts) Ow.

- Tessa!
- Aah!

Can you believe it?
Look what you started?

But it's ridiculous! You realize
that, right, Mr. Wolfe?

I mean, we're helping people
with oily skin?

Oh, my gosh.
You are so right.

People, listen up. (Sighs)

We cannot just target
floridians with oily skin.

We must also reach out to those
with combination and dry skin.

Spread the word.

Good catch, boss.

(School bell rings)

(Gasps) There she is... the girl
that's gonna save Florida.

- One face at a time.
- That's the spirit.

And I should know, I have run over
a hundred charities in my time...

Everything from air beds for
the homeless... (Sighs)

To air beds
for the elderly.

My brother in law saw
your air bed.

Well, have at it,
'cause I'm out.

Wait. What do you mean,
you're out? You're the leader.

You're the face
of Florida's face.

I mentioned to Mr. Wolfe that
maybe we should donate
uneaten food to people who need it.

Dalia is the one
who made it about pores.

Yes, but Dalia's talents are
better served elsewhere.

She's more of a... muse,
but you... you're the worker bee,

gettin' your hands
all filthy dirty,

haulin' things
with your filthy, dirty hands.

We need you.
The people of Florida need you.

Now... I brought these deli platters
for the volunteers. How do they look?

Like a lot of thin meat.

You're right. I did get them
prepackaged and on sale.

Maybe I should dump 'em.

Yeah, I'm gonna dump 'em.

And that's when I realized
there was no saving these people.

They were gonna do
what they were gonna do.

and there was no point in
getting my filthy little hands dirty...

Unless it was for deli meat.

(Muzak playing)

Mm... there she is,
right along the 29 premolar.

Oh, and a slight
occlusal on 28.

Very good, Cindy.
And look at all this tartar buildup.

Oh, and see how dull the surfaces are?
I bet he's a grinder.

What are you trying to do,
put me out of a job there, eagle eye?

Oh, gosh. No, no.
If I couldn't work for you...

Guys, please.

Oh, sorry, buddy. I'm just
consulting with Cindy.

Well, you cracked it,
all right.

The good news is,
it's above the gumline.

It's called an oblique
supragingival fracture.

That's what Wikipedia calls it.
I have no idea what it is.

(Giggling)

(Laughing) Because it's...

He's teasing.
He knows.

I do.
I know.

Noah, man, I'm dying here.
Please.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna recommend
a crown, all right?

We can dig it out today,
do an impression, so you have a temp,

come back later in the week,
finish her up.

Easy peasy, extra cheesy.

Well, if it's extra cheesy,
I guess we should do it.

All right. A crown
for the skylight king.

(Imitates trumpet fanfare)

(Laughs)

Super water fountain
smells like patchouli.

Oh, you should see
his waiting room.

It is a joke.
He has a massage table.

There's, like, rows of
different flavors of iced tea.

Maybe I can weaponize it,

and bam!

k*ll a guy.

What's going on?
You're going dark on me.

All the people I go to school with
are morons, and I'm guilty by association.

I give up.

You're too young
to give up.

I am the head of the stupidest
charity known to mankind.

That first part
sounded impressive.

You're the head.

Look, if people are looking
to you as a leader, then lead.

You've got the attention of morons?
Do something smart with it.

How? All they care about is
how they look or what they drive

or how they look
in what they drive.

You can't blame them for being
a product of their environment.

They know what they know.
They live in a bubble.

I am loving this deli.

George was right. These people
were living in a bubble,

and maybe it was up to me
to pop it,

like a pimple
on a floridian's back.

(Speaking indistinctly)

Ahem. Hey.

So...

You guys know how you live
in this sort of... bubble?

This bubble of ignorance?

Oh.

It's not your fault
that you live there.

It's just... you haven't been
exposed to much.

I have. I used to live
outside the bubble,

So today I'm going to expose you to
something that I grew up with every day.

Gladys?

(Wheels squeaking,
cans rattling)

This is Gladys.

She's a homeless man
that lived on my street.

She's a man?

How does that work?

- Let me take this one.
- Okay.

Basically you just...
Tuck everything in.

See, um, not everybody is
getting their teeth whitened

or... going to the mall

or...
Overwatering their lawn.

Some people,
like me and Gladys,

understand that
there are people out there

that don't have everything
they need.

Some people have nothing
and live on the street.

West 14th, to be exact.

Gladys and I aren't trying
to make you feel bad.

We're just trying
to show you

that there are real problems
out there worth focusing on...

Problems more severe
than bad skin or oily hair,

so, uh, the next time
you're about to throw out

$85 worth of deli meat,
maybe you'll think twice,

because there are people
in need,

and they're a lot closer
than Florida.

(Whispers) Thank you.

What?

What?

(Thud)
Aah!

$2,600 for a crown?!

(Turns off faucet)
Hey, I don't set the prices.

It's your practice!

That's true.

(Chuckles)
But what did you expect,

that I wasn't gonna
charge you at all?

No, I assumed you were going
to give me a discount.

I mean, I-I gave... I gave you
a break on your skylight.

Well, I didn't assume that.
Thanks for the discount.

This is not how friends
treat each other, Noah.

Friends give each other
a deal.

No, friends do their very best work
for one another, and the best costs money.

Look, and I'm not the one who decided
to strip naked and take my shower for a spin.

I had to give my maid
the rest of the day off.

She was so freaked out.

Oh, gee.
I'm really sorry about that.

Who... Who's gonna cube
your pineapple for you?

Um, I'm allergic
to pineapple.

If you were a real friend,
you'd know that,

and just for the record,
I was gonna give you a discount,

but I didn't want to insult you,
so if you want, go ahead, cut it in half.
Make it zero, for all I care.

That is very noble of you, man.
I really appreciate it,

but I don't need
your charity, okay, buddy?

Wait, but, look, why was
I expecting a "thank you"?

You know what? Strong and wrong,
just like always.

Strong and wrong?

I'm... I don't even know
what that means.

(Deep voice) I'm George,
and I'm strong,

and blah, blah, blah,
but I'm wrong.

You know what?

Good luck with that hole
in your roof. Looks like rain.

Good luck sipping
cold beverages!

(Thunder rumbles)

(Lisa) So when Gladys says
she tucks everything in,

what exactly does
that mean?

What does she tuck?

Gladys is a dude.

She's... a man.

Oh.... Right.
Right.

(School bell rings)

(Applause and whistles)

I had become
their cause du jour.

What's going on?

We heard you, Tessa.
We heard you loud and clear,

and we're not worried
about Florida anymore.

We're worried about you.

We know you ate
that rank meat.

The picture you painted
of your life with the homeless...

Devastating,
but you're in Chatswin now,

and Chatswin takes care
of its own.

Come here, you brave thing.

Somehow I had sent
two wrong messages...

One, that I was in need,

and two, that it was okay
to touch me.

That night, George discovered
what I already knew...

We'd become a charity case.

a canned bisque,
some Egyptian cotton hand towels,

and an air multiplier.
We ordered two, one for the cabana,

but you need it more.

Yeah. You ate
that rank meat.

Have you been talking to Noah?
Is that what this is about?

Because I'm going
to take care of that bill.

Oh, George. I would add you to
my dental plan if I could, but I can't.

So I brought you a professional
double Belgian waffle maker.

Go on. Take it.
It makes two at once.

We know you need this, George.
We all heard Tessa's speech,

and we met
her transsexual homeless friend.

Gladys?
You... you brought Gladys?

I didn't bring Gladys, no.
She took Metro-north.

And, Tessa, Dalia has
something for you. Dalia.

(Sighs)

Here. I stole this
from the mall.

It's not my color.

Used lip gloss. Wow.
I don't know what to say.

I do. Thank you
for stopping by our shanty.

We'll see you around
the soup kitchen.

Oh. Okay. God bless.

God bless you.

(Door squeaks)

Dad, I'm so sorry.

When I told you to focus
your charity on a good cause,

did you decide on us?

I swear that wasn't
my intention. I will...

Throw this all out.

Throw it out? No. What?

I was just about to go make some
Belgian waffles and multiply some air.

(Doorbell rings)

What?

I just wanted to...
to bring this by.

It's a pocket Jesus.

I thought maybe during the hard times,
it would help you see the light.

It's also a light.

Oh.
(Click)

Come in. It's just, people have
been coming by all night

with the most ridiculous junk.

I mean, look at this.

A soda maker.
A snow cone machine?

Who in the world could possibly
want any of this stuff?

A snow cone machine?

I-I thought you had to have
a license to own one of these.

That's when it hit me.

One man's trash is
another man's treasure,

and just because I didn't
appreciate this stuff,

it didn't mean there wasn't someone
on West 14th street who would.

"Funtastic."

Hey, Gladys.

You got another one.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Oh, snap!
A lighted boccie ball set.

This is all kinds
of wonderful.

Thank you, Lord.
Thank you!

(Muzak playing)

(Clears throat)

(Door closes)

I knew you were allergic to pineapple.
I was just trying to make a point.

A point of trying to make me
feel like an ass?

Look, I'm sorry
I blew up at you.

I'm bustin' my butt out here
trying to establish myself,

and then I get
this huge bill from you,

after you brag about
your infinity tub

and your talking toilet, which
I still don't even understand.

Yeah. No, I get it. I get it.
Maybe I was showing off a little bit,

but you're a tough man
to compete with, George.

Are we in competition?

No. (Sighs)

I mean, back in college,
you were the guy.

You got invited to all the great parties.
You got all the hot chicks.

Alissa Berlinger was hot,
but... I don't know about the rest of 'em.

(Scoffs)

Okay, maybe some of them were hot, too.
But come on, man. You got Jill.

Yeah, I got Jill.
I did.

I...

I just felt like people gave you crap
for hanging out with me.

They did...

But I'm sure people out here
give you crap for hanging out with me.

I'm the...
the village idiot...

(Chuckles) Or something.

Village idiot? No.

It's just... you're poorer
than everyone else,

and some people question
your ethnicity.

(Chuckles) Come on.

Let... let's put all of this
behind us, all right?

Let's fix that tooth.

Uh, wait, wait.

So we're good?

We're good.

I'm serious, Noah.

I don't want you to work on me
if you're still angry.

What's a little fear
between friends?

(Whirring)

(Laughing)

Smoothie? I didn't put ice in it.
I know your mouth's still a little sensitive.

Hey. Look at me.
You are a good person.

Mnh. Pfft. Doubtful.

What did I accomplish?

I sent a homeless lady man
countertop appliances,

and she doesn't even have
a countertop.

Yeah, but you also made a group
of very self-obsessed people

care about someone other
than themselves, and that's huge.

I guess it is.

Yes, it is, and it was you
they decided to care about,

and I know why
because you are a sweet lady,

and you have a smart heart
on your holders.

I'm on pain medication.

I know, dad.
Whoa. I know.

Go to sleep, okay?

Mm-hmm.

(Chuckles) Sleep.

(Whispers) Sleep.

Gladys?

(Gladys) Hey, girl.

Just wanted to thank you
for the blessings.

I sold most of that crap you sent me
and used the money to buy a pop-up tent,

So... If you ever need a place
to stay in the city, girl...

(Singsongy) Call me.

I also bought a prepaid cell phone, which
has made turning tricks a whole lot easier.

Good looking out, Gladys.

I can't believe he has
her own stationery.

(Scoffs)