01x12 - The Casino Trip

[bunniefuu]

- Feel better?
- That feels better than better.

Feels like I can do this.

Friday night in Chatswin.

And a really dumb charity event
for a really dumb charity meant...

...instead of seeing my new boyfriend
Scott Strauss...

...I was forced to watch parents dance
with their children. To "Rock Lobster."

I don't think it's normal for parents
to hang out with their kids this much.

Well, my mom says
that she's my only true friend...

...and I should tell her everything.

- And do you?
- I do.

And sometimes she nods off, but...

I'm a private person.
I don't like people knowing my business.

Ladies and gentlemen.
I've been told by the Davenports...

...that Amanda
got her first period today.

Attagirl.

Just wanted to share that news with you.
Amanda is menstruating.

Mazel tov, Mandy, mazel tov.

There's a real sense of community.

Rock lobster.

- Motion in the ocean
- Ooh-ah

- His air hose broke
- Ooh-ah

Wow.

Looks like things are really heating up
between the two of you.

According to Alan, there's no such thing
as being openly gay in Chatswin.

Anytime we go out together,
he's convinced people are watching us.

People are watching you.
That's what people do here.

Rock, rock

Why don't you guys do something
outside of Chatswin?

At least you have the option.
That's what I would do if I were you.

Thank you, Chatswinians.

Living in a w*r-torn country...

...can put an enormous amount of strain
on the lumbar region.

Now, with your help, the CWB...

...can correct spinal alignment
regardless of political alignment.

Take a look.

Boring. Raffle.

- Can we get the raffle going?
- Okay.

I know we're all anxious to get to this,
so without further ado...

...let's raffle off the
all-expense-paid trip to Atlantic City.

- Jersey, baby.
- We'll get started in a moment.

When I win, you're coming with me.
We'll have a proper guys' night out.

What are you...? What are you
talking about? We just saw 300 together.

300 was a million years ago.
It was a matinee.

- And I treated you to Sno-Caps.
- Of which I had three.

- You were saving the rest for Tessa.
- She likes them.

So do I, George, all right?

You're so busy being
Father of the Year...

...you forget to be
Friend of the Noah of the Year.

Get your tickets ready,
everybody. Here we go.

Four, seven...

- ...three-teen.
- I believe it's pronounced "thirteen."

You know,
I didn't criticize your stupid speech.

Hey!

- Aha, yeah. I got it. I won.
- We have a winner.

Great. Perfect.
I'm sure you and Tessa will have a blast.

- Come on. Don't be a baby.
- No, no.

She'll appreciate the all-you-can-eat
prime rib and Don Rickles.

Would you do me the honor
of accompanying me to Atlantic City?

We can do our guys' night out.
All the Sno-Caps you can eat.

- Don't toy with me.
- Nor me, heh.

Did I hear something
about a guys' night out?

- For I stand before you, a guy. Heh-heh.
- Piss off, Fred.

- The room sleeps six.
- Yeah.

- The more the merrier, right?
- The more the merrier?

Alex and I would love, love the chance
to escape our old balls and chains.

Sometimes you need to get down
with your homeboys.

"Who you trying to get crazy with, ése?
Don't you know I'm loco?"

That's a Cypress Hill reference,
for the uninitiated. Heh-heh-heh.

Fred, don't you have to check
with Sheila first?

Ah, you may not realize this, Noah,
but I have Sheila in check. Heh-heh.

It's bad, Sheila. It's real bad.

It's looking like
she might not make it.

Oh, poor Aunt Elaine.
Bless her heart.

- I know how dear she is to you.
- Oh, she's very dear.

The most dear.

And if I don't rush to her side,
she may not have a side to rush to.

Oh, Fred. Your favorite aunt.

Oh, come here. Let me rock you.

Let me rock you. Aw...

Fred, did I just feel you
give the thumbs-up?

It's not a Risky Business-type situation
where you dance in your underwear...

...have friends over and you start a
brothel and sing on afloat in a parade.

Dad, you're mixing teen movies.

This is like an episode
of Little House on the Prairie...

...where Pa goes off to the mercantile
and I stay home to loom you pants.

Perfect, I'm a 32 long.
But seriously, no parties.

It's been said and you heard it.
You have my cell phone number.

Uh, I left the number of the hotel
in case anything goes wrong.

- What if something goes wrong?
- Dad.

This is Chatswin.
Nothing goes wrong in Chatswin.

Isn't that the whole reason
people live here?

But with any luck...

...Scott and I were going to go wrong
in every room of this house.

- Guys.
- Oh. Oh.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Hey, hey. All right.

You guys, we are going to party
like it's our birthdays.

Whoo. Heh.

Add a raspberry, George.
You'll thank me.

Don't mind if I do.
Thanks for guilting me into this.

I don't do this enough. It'll be fun.

Are you kidding me?
This is gonna be a lot of fun, hm?

Fred?

Oh, uh, gambling is happening.

Gambling is happening in this building.
I'm so close to the gambling.

- What's going on?
- Oh, now I remember.

Fred has a really serious
gambling problem.

This is bad. I'm sweaty and nervous
and a little bit horny.

All right. Buddy. Hey.

- Relax.
- Okay.

- It's gonna be fine. Have champagne.
- Okay, okay.

- Here you go.
- Oh. Heh-heh.

I'm trembling, heh.
I'm gonna gamble all my money.

You know, I'm gonna gamble
and tremble until I lose all my money.

Maybe I should take that, actually.

Fred, you can have fun without gambling.
Just don't gamble.

- We won't let you gamble.
- Okay, okay.

Now, uh, this pile is for black.

This pile is for red.
Can't lose that way. Heh-heh.

Now slots are for fools,
but I'll take a s*ab at them. Heh-heh-heh.

- Fred, let us help you. I mean...
- Don't touch my money, bitch.

Okay. Remain calm.

Everything's gonna be all right.

- Fred, take a deep breath.
- Yeah.

Okay, okay.

It's Fred. Heh-heh.
Fred's back. Heh-heh-heh.

Sorry, I went a little nuts there.
Thank you.

Why don't you, uh, get freshened up?
Splash some water on your face.

- Put on a different shirt.
- You look clammy.

- Change those shorts.
- Shorts, okay.

Thank you.
Thank you, you guys.

I really...

I just want you to know I feel
incredibly close to you all right now.

But I will slash your face
in order to gamble.

You can't seduce Scott in that.
It has too many buttons.

Don't wear anything
too complicated.

Yeah.

If Scott and I don't make it past
the hand-holding stage...

You will lose him. Correct.

That's why we'll be doing
a lot more...

- ...than we're comfortable with.
- We?

We're gonna give Scott
everything we have.

Even the things that hurt.

What is that?

It's my love box.
And I am lending it to you for tonight.

Oh, wow. Okay, pfft.

Lisa, I think you have
the wrong idea about tonight.

I was planning on keeping it syrup-free.

Just an old-school make-out sesh.

Tessa, you sound like a fool.

Scott's an older guy
with older guy needs.

He's been to Africa.

Africa.
He's gonna wanna go tribal on you.

Are you sure that's not offensive?

Look how she's looking at me, George.

Dirty girl.

Hey, have you eaten?
Can I buy you a burger?

Here.

Haven't heard from the little one, huh?

She'll check in with me.
I'm not gonna hound her.

She's probably high as a kite right now
and making love to a Trinidadian man.

Not gonna work, Fred.
You're not gonna scare me off.

Why would I?
There's nothing to be scared of.

Tessa's perfectly trustworthy.

I'm sure you were too at that age.

Would it be weird if I had Dallas
check in on her?

No, not at all.

Ooh. Nice work out there, Sheila.

Between your unstoppable backhand
and my diligence at the net...

...we are gonna dominate
the mid-morning winter league. Heh.

- Oh, hey, George.
- Hey, you got a second?

- Yeah. What's cr*ck-a-lacking?
- Oh, nothing.

Uh, it's just that Tessa is home alone
for the weekend...

...and I'm a little nervous she might cave
and throw a party or something.

Oh, my gosh.
I hope she invites me if she does.

No, no, we don't want
an unchaperoned party.

It's not that I don't trust her, I do.

I just... Well, I'd like you
to check on her for me.

It doesn't sound like you trust her.

Who is that? Is that Fred?

I'll trust her a lot more
once I know for sure nothing's going on.

Listen, George, I consider Tessa
to be one of my best friends...

...and you are putting me
in a difficult spot.

- Come on, Dallas.
- Well...

...Steven is in Singapore this weekend,
Dalia's at braid camp...

...so I guess I could.

But I'm not gonna check in
as some busybody neighbor.

I'll just see if she wants to hang.
As a friend.

Thank you.

What is it?

I thought for sure that was Fred.

I sensed Fred on that call.

- What are you talking about?
- A psychic connection.

If Fred even eats something that
doesn't agree with him, I can sense it.

He just ate something
that didn't agree with him.

Oochies.

Thousand Island bites back.

Is that Steven Royce?
What a coincidence.

Thought he was in Singapore.
Do me a favor, don't call him here.

Steve-O!

Finally, some alone time with Scott.

Now if I could just get him to focus
on me instead of...

That's how you make
a Zambian eating mat..

...or mphasa.

But bigger, and less plastic.

I'm sure you get this a lot,
but you're fascinating.

- I would love to travel like you did.
- Well, it'll change you.

From the inside out.

But be prepared. Africa's also
filled with poverty and disease.

- You have really brown eyes.
- Thanks.

I meta man in Africa
who didn't even have eyes.

Scott, I know you're really political...

...and you have all this global awareness,
and I think that's great...

...but don't you wanna
get tribal on me?

That's offensive.

I think.

Hey. George, what are you, uh...?
What are you doing in the A.C.?

What a surprise.
Heard you were in Singapore.

- Who said that?
- Dallas.

Well, you sure like
talking to my wife a lot.

Who could blame you,
she's beautiful.

- Yeah, so is she.
- Huh?

I don't like to eat alone.
It, uh, makes me depressed...

...lowers my metabolism.
And by any chance...

...you do talk to my wife again,
I was in Singapore.

I have very important business
in Singapore.

- They want me to move there.
- Really? Wow, that sounds great.

Even though I'd have to leave
Dallas and Dalia...

- ...for the better part of a year?
- That's what Skype's for.

That is what Skype is for.
You know what?

You're a smart guy.
I might have underestimated you.

- Yeah, well...
- Plus, you'll be there...

...in case anything goes wrong.
Right? Huh?

Nothing goes wrong in Chatswin. Isn't
that the whole reason people live there?

Holy crap.
You'll have to excuse me.

What's wrong?

My daughter was a bit too anxious
to get rid of me this morning.

- Where's Fred?
- Fred?

Oh, he crawled out,
like, 10 minutes ago.

Dallas, what are you doing here?

I'm on the dolo tonight and since
you are too, I thought we could chillax...

...or get jiggy. Your choice. Oh.

Oh, I see what this is.
George sent you here to spy on me.

What? I don't know...
I am on the dolo.

You can't hide behind urban street slang,
Dallas. I see right through you.

And this is an invasion of my privacy.
You can tell that to George.

He's a fox.

Don't tell that to George.

- So everything seemed quiet there?
- Real cozy.

Cozy? What...?
What's that mean, "cozy"?

Well, comfy-cozy.

No one was drunk, not too crunk,
the joint was on point, pretty much.

Stop confusing me with street slang.

Oh, George,
you have nothing to worry about.

Tessa's a great girl and that boy
she had over was super nice.

Fully clothed.

She...? She had a boy over?

Well, I don't know if he was a boy.

He had kind of a young, white
Wesley Snipes kind of thing going.

George?

So she's got a guy over.
What does it matter? We're guys.

- I want to trust her, but I don't.
- As the father of twins, I can tell you...

...they're going to do exactly
what they wanna do.

Times like these,
I'm thankful my wife's barren.

Fred, where have you been?
- I did a bad thing.

Where are your pants?
- I bet them.

What are you gonna do? Burst in...

...on your 16-year-old daughter
and tell her you don't trust her...

...to be alone for 24 hours?
Don't be that guy.

I am sorry, Noah.
I'm not proud of it, but I am that guy.

Shh. I bet everything on a dog named
Lose All Your Money.

I figured a name like that's
got to be ironic, right?

Who's that?
- Tom-Tom called some freaks.

- Who's ready to party?
- I am.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Really?

Yeah, ha!

I have something that I want you to dock
in my docking station.

Yeah. I'll dock it all right.
I'll dock it all night.

Just stick it in gently because
the bottom's a little cracked.

Come on! Okay. Okay, come on.

Come on, Lose All Your Money!
Not literally. You know what I mean.

Come on!
Oh, no, no!

Lose AH Your Money fed from start to finish.

All right, Fred, how much?

Should be a good payday for someone.

Fourteen.
Fourteen thousand.

- You lost $14,000?
- No, I won 14,000.

And Sheila is gonna sense it.

Windfall. What?

Scott, right now, this is the only place
in all of Chatswin...

...where we can actually be alone.

Look, Tessa, I like you, I do.

And pre-Africa, I would have expressed
that to you in a very physical way.

But post-Africa,
I need to take things slow.

Why?

I saw things, Tessa.
Things I wasn't ready to see.

Vaginal birth.

And there they were.

The two words that could put an end
to any romantic evening.

So much for alone time with Scott.

Tonight was now about being alone.

- Come on, man.
- Let's go, buddy. Open the door.

Go away!
Leave me alone.

Sheila is going to k*ll me.
It's gonna be worse than the time...

...she caught me watching
Wild Things on cable.

Okay, maybe she's gonna be happy
with the extra cash...

...and will forgive you.

Have you met my wife?

She is the least forgiving woman
in the world...

...and I will never find anyone
as wonderful.

Hey, she never even has to know.
You can donate all the money to charity.

I'm ending it.

I'm ending it all!

- I'm calling the manager.
- Yeah.

I got this. Relax.

Hey, Fred, buddy. Steven Royce.
Is there any mirrors in there?

Yeah, there's one over the sink
and one on the back of the door.

Okay. Do me a favor.

Take a good look at yourself
in one of those mirrors.

There's also a small one in the shower.
One of those non-fogging shave ones.

It doesn't matter what kind.
Just pick a mirror.

Okay.

Okay, I'm looking.

You're in a spiral, Fred.
You're in a downward spiral. Okay?

This is an ugly side of you,
but you don't have to be ugly. You don't.

You can take stock.
Make yourself better. Yeah.

Okay? This is an opportunity for you
to make yourself better.

Become better than what you were.
Not you two.

You guys stay exactly the same.
Okay?

- I'm gonna go see my mother.
- I'm gonna go confront my stepfather.

No.

So sorry, man. I know... I know this
wasn't exactly what you had in mind.

Are you kidding me, ése?

Fred actually did go loco.

And I docked something
in a stripper's docking station.

Yeah, uh, a broken MP3 player.

- Still, it was pretty awesome.
- Heh-heh.

In fact, I'm b*at.
I'm gonna go get some rest.

All right, man.
I'm gonna wait a few more hours...

...till the sun comes up before I hit
the road, even if it kills me.

I don't want Tessa to think
I don't trust her.

She's a good kid.
You can trust her. I trust her.

Of course, I'm less invested.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Dad!

"Dad," huh? No George?

- Are you alone?
- Yes, of course I'm alone.

I was worried, I even slept
on the couch. I'm so glad you're home.

I should go away more often.

Ha-ha-ha, that was a test.
You passed.

You passed.
Sending your little spy over here.

- Yeah, I knew you had a boy here.
- And you still didn't come home.

- You trusted me.
- Of course I trusted you.

- Can I trust you?
- Yes. What?

You can trust me.
I'm practically an adult.

An adult? Really? I guess you
don't want the salt water taffy...

- ...I brought home for you then?
- Don't be stupid, George.

- Give me the taffy.
- Give me the blue one.

I like pink anyway.

- Fred.
- Oh! Good Lord, Sheila.

You, uh, startled me.

It's natural to be a little on edge
after what just happened.

I, uh... I know you already know,
but I planned on telling you everything.

You don't have to relive it, Fred.

It must have been painful enough
just having been there when Elaine passed.

What? When she what now?

When your Aunt Elaine d*ed.

I tried calling her, but the phone
just rang and rang and...

- And that's when I knew.
- I knew you knew.

And so you must also know
about the money.

- Is that the windfall?
- The inheritance, yes.

She left us $14,000.
Minus a few incidentals.

I'm buying a new hose.

Making grilled egg and cheese. Want one?

Yes, I want one.

You gotta be kidding.