Know what Bors gave
his mother for her birthday?
No.
Flowers!
So?
It's ridiculous!
Why not carrots!
Apparently, the Romans do it.
It's true.
Our ladies would think it odd.
Even as a love token,
I wouldn't want flowers.
Good thing
I don't give them to you!
Do you work at the castle?
In a way.
Is walking here allowed?
Not usually.
The guards said nothing?
I didn't see any.
I'll go if it isn't.
It's fine.
Care to sit down?
- I want you to work on something.
- What thing?
Are you good at flowers?
What do you mean by that?
In short,
I want to give a woman flowers.
What is she, a goat?
I didn't ask your opinion.
Why not a cheese,
or radishes?
In Rome, where people
are less oafish
about their feelings,
it's done a lot.
- They give flowers?
- Exactly.
You won't catch me there!
I wanted to give this person
a special flower.
A flower you've created
by crossing two existing ones.
Think I've time for that?
Do as I tell you!
And make something pretty.
With all the work I have!
You k*ll me!
Get a move on!
It's urgent.
Give her any old flowers!
It's easy!
I'll cut you a bunch this big!
Even better...
Give her a barrow,
I'll fill it with flowers!
Flower, unique, beautiful,
quickly.
To express
my joyful transport.
A barrow's better for transport!
Have you seen the King?
I've met him.
Is he nice?
Nice...?
I couldn't say.
What do you call nice?
A bit like you.
Do you like flowers?
They make a change
now and then.
What do you think of this?
It's beautiful!
I've never seen one like that.
It was grafted for you.
You're adorable!
Haven't you got one too?
No, it's for you.
Thank you.
Look how pretty it is.
I've taken to grafting.
Did she like it?
She seemed to...
The trouble with flowers
is they don't last long.
I can confirm that.
Come on, my little dancer!
Come and get a cuddle!
Don't start all that!
It gets the training going!
On guard, sweetheart!
I'll slice the fat off your arse!
Make you lighter!
What's wrong?
The magic sword's cheating,
but it looks great!
Stopping?
We've just warmed up!
That's why I'm stopping.
Why isn't it glowing?
What do you mean?
Excalibur.
It's like a normal sword.
I put it down.
It'd burn everything otherwise!
It's an extraordinary ally!
- It's pretty good.
- Sire...
Want to hold it?
It's terribly presumptuous.
Go on, take it.
Sire, it's an honour!
It's not glowing.
You've broken it!
I haven't!
That's weird!
Take it.
I can't say why,
but I feel slighted.
Dodge!
Holding up, Sire?
Hanging on.
I like training with you.
We've different styles.
Really?
You att*ck well.
While you att*ck
and defend badly.
I developed my strengths.
What's wrong?
- I'll never get used to it!
- What?
You thought of me.
- I thought of you this morning.
- Me?
I'm talking
to the Lady of the Lake.
- When?
- Now.
Only I can see her.
Should I leave?
I have to show you something
really weird.
Here.
Anything magic...
Here!
See? When it's not me, nothing!
It's not even hot.
- It's destiny.
- Destiny?
- What?
- Excalibur glows when it recognises
the exceptional destiny
of its bearer.
It's the exceptional destiny!
Whose exceptional destiny?
Yours.
We're pretty evenly matched
at fighting.
Evenly matched?
I've the upper hand
technically,
you've your magic sword.
Shall I try a normal one?
We'd be unmatched then.
We'll do something.
You use swords,
I'll use none.
But, why?
It's an experiment.
I'll try to overcome
your technique
and hit you
till your head's this big.
Here.
You've a magic sword.
What's going on?
Did I screw up?
Take it back! I'm scared!
Magic worries me.
All right?
What's wrong now?
Nothing.
Won't you tell me?
Can you be completely stupid
and still have a good life?
Is this about me?
No!
Well...
Beware of fools.
Some go much further
than you'd think.
Let's start.
We're not all here.
Not all here?
We are!
Lancelot's missing.
Is there an empty chair?
No.
What do you deduce?
We should get him a chair.
We were just wondering.
We've seats for knights.
Not everyone can attend!
We know there's a rota.
We're not daft.
But Lancelot's permanent!
I don't think he's been
absent before.
No one's permanent here!
I'm brought in occasionally
to make up numbers.
I'm always here.
- We wonder why!
- You must be indispensable.
More so than Lancelot.
So, pull your draws up,
Buttercup!
What?
It's an expression.
Like, "You've gone too far,
Grandma!"
You can't get things
in perspective.
- Even if you're mad at Lancelot.
- What?
"What" what?
Who's mad at Lancelot?
- Aren't you?
- So I heard.
Nonsense! I'm not!
Far be it from us to meddle
in your private life...
You can discuss this for ages,
but when we start
on the agenda, you'll sulk!
It can wait!
I'm being att*cked!
You're not!
Don't be such a sissy!
You just don't get things
in perspective.
I don't know why you think
I'm mad with Lancelot,
but I can tell you,
you're completely wrong.
Sir Lancelot and I
are on friendly terms.
You removed him
from command!
Command of what?
During the Saxon battle,
you fired him!
He went home like dog's doo.
You don't get things
in perspective!
What did I call you
the other day by the river?
A stupid jerk.
There.
He's still here.
Being a jerk changes nothing.
A stupid jerk.
Let's say I was wrong
not calling in Lancelot.
Which of you
will give him your place?
Calogrenant?
I'm King of Caledonia.
I represent a majority!
The same goes for Leodegan,
King of Carmelide
and Galessin.
How about Hervé de Rinel?
I've missed meetings!
That's impossible.
Do we remove Bors?
You can't do that!
He'll cry.
It'll be a shambles.
Percival and Caradoc,
we can't...
- Why not?
- We're useless.
No! They've their trip
to Gaul to recount.
It's on the agenda,
for those who care.
What do we do?
There's only you.
Happy!
We've made great progress!
It was just a suggestion!
There's room for Lancelot.
I'm not sure it's right.
Putting Lancelot in his place.
Yes...
All hell would break loose!
Sire! The Caledonians
have challenged us!
I'm ready for them!
It's to a game of ball!
Ball?
There's a match next full moon.
If we don't go,
they say we're zeros!
" Fairies" , the message says.
No, Bors.
You can't play as well as umpire!
He's our only umpire!
I'm sick of watching you.
Today, I'm playing!
Umpire as well
or it'll be a real mess.
Percival, you kick off.
Meaning?
- You serve.
- Serve what?
You throw first.
Say so!
Don't use fancy phrases!
Let's go!
Easy now. No point going mad
if you're knackered
in minutes.
Enough advice...
Don't start, Father-in-law.
You give enough orders!
Leave us alone on the pitch!
He's not wrong, Sire.
Sorry, it's a reflex.
Ball!
Sticks!
Change!
That was so useless!
You can't even get
a three-pass right!
Because you're
down the other end!
I'm in position, unlike some!
Bors says it wasn't a foul.
Sorry, it wasn't.
What does he know!
Challenging the umpire's
forbidden!
So is kicking him in the balls,
but it may happen!
Abuse!
Stop it! Think we'll b*at
the Caledonians like this?
Stuff them!
Bravo!
Very sporting!
Play the foul,
or we won't get anywhere.
There wasn't one!
- Go on!
- Good grief!
Do as you're told!
Don't take all day!
That was useless!
He's a worse player
than umpire.
- I slipped.
- That was crap.
Can't even throw straight!
minutes without a goal!
We'll look like
the worst team in Britain!
We are the worst!
We've lost our consistency.
I'm bored with this game.
We end with " moves" .
Of course.
Give us your move, Bors.
Go!
- Not bad.
- One for Bors.
Not bad...
Lancelot!
Yes!
One for Lancelot,
with a doublet.
Go on!
Only a half-pass!
Does that count?
Get set, move!
Leodegan!
Counter-att*ck!
Shariba!
You're all damned!
Percival!
Game!
Why are you dancing? You lost!
Wasn't I on your side?
Why flee you, dainty one
When I am close to you?
Looking into your eyes
I'm lost within their depths
Did you hear me singing?
No.
Is this the time for singing?
It's always song time!
Good idea, Father Blase!
It won't take long.
Bors, a low note, please.
Perfect. Now, Sire,
sing the same note as Bors.
Very good.
- You're singing in...?
- Unison!
Well done! Now, Sire,
sing a th below.
Very good.
Now a th.
There! That's all!
Unison, ths,
ths, the end!
All the other intervals are crap.
The next person I catch whistling
pagan intervals,
I'll report to the Pope!
All those fiddlers
at the markets,
with their scratch-boxes,
playing rds and ths!
Who do they think they are?
ths k*ll my ears!
I'm already half deaf!
If you stopped yelling...?
Father Blase,
what have you got against rds?
They make me sick.
Sire, sing a rd.
You do and I'm leaving!
Major or minor?
What's this nonsense?
Major, minor...
They're for degenerates!
The only worthwhile thing
is perfect, perfect, perfect!
Minor.
Stop! I'll vomit
over the Round Table.
Bors, sing Dies Irae
on a sustained note.
There!
And you, Sire...
No, "Sire" is going.
He's had enough.
Just sing a perfect th!
That's clean.
It's harmonious.
With a few fioriture
it becomes a very pretty th!
It's crap!
A little variation...
You're both sick!
If we don't stop this now,
in years,
our repertoire will be polluted.
It's more of an evolution.
Imperfect intervals
should be banned!
Sire, what do you think?
Well...
I'm not that bothered.
Endless ths, ths and octaves
send me to sleep,
while rds and inverted rds,
I like.
Even diminished,
from time to time...
Diminished?
What horror is this?
Bors, drone away.
- I mean...
- I understand.
DiavolusI
So?
It's all right like this!
Trouble is,
the tune sticks in your head.
No, Bors, we can't have fires.
The smoke draws the enemy.
On every mission,
the raw meat
gives me unbearable
stomach ache!
Bring some cooked meat
with you.
How do I eat cooked meat
without a fire?
Cold?
What are you doing?
Nothing. Just looking.
- At what?
- The smoke.
The start of a fire?
I don't think so.
It's white smoke.
A hick burning leaves?
It's in the middle of the forest.
There's nothing there.
There must be something.
That's what I was thinking!
Don't wind me up!
All right!
You were worried.
It's weird, white smoke
coming out of nowhere.
Is it your problem?
Aren't you curious?
The best way to find out,
is to go there.
- We're not yomping over there!
- Why not?
Come on, then.
We saw the smoke
from camp, but here...
- We're going the right way.
- In relation to what?
We saw the smoke,
we said, "It's this way" !
You can't go straight
in a tree-filled forest!
If you'd chop it down
like I said, we could see!
- It slows down the enemy.
- Not just the enemy!
- Smell anything?
- No.
Yes, smoke.
It's over there.
Sire! At last!
You're just in time!
You made the smoke?
What are you doing?
It was to alert you!
To what?
That we were lost!
Lucky you came!
We're thirsty.
We didn't bring any water.
Or a map, either.
What?
If you're lost,
we might be too!
What are you on about?
You know how to get back?
We'll have to see...
Who fancies pissing
on the fire?
It makes the smoke whiter.
Well!
Gawain!
- What are you doing?
- Watching the horizon.
Very good.
I was wondering something.
What thing?
White smoke's been rising
from the forest lately.
Today, there's nothing.
Did you see it?
What?
We were trying desperately
to attract attention!
We were lost! We made smoke
so someone would rescue us!
How could I know that?
I just said, " Look, smoke!"
It took us days to get back!
If I'd known...
Doesn't white smoke coming
from nowhere intrigue you?
Yes. It doesn't mean I'll go
and look. Would you?
We did! We didn't
leave our pals in the sh*t!
We went to get
Calogrenant and Lancelot!
Why did it take you so long?
We forgot the maps.
Stick to the subject!
Yes, I don't like that.
Isn't that white smoke?
Yes.
In the middle of the forest...
Yes.
Well...
Yes.
Let them get on with it!
You can be too nice.
Something up?
No!
I was looking at the slabs.
- How many are there?
- Seven.
The first day of training,
we shouldn't rush it.
So what do we do?
I think
would be a good start.
You've rooms to sleep in!
We're preparing ourselves.
What are those for?
Our breaking training.
We're starting small.
To finish above expectations!
Progressive!
Breaking stones?
Bare-handed?
Of course!
What are you doing?
I was off to Dagonet's,
but it's OK.
You're watching?
Even if the country
was in flames,
there's no way I'd miss this.
Go ahead!
Wait!
I want to say something.
I often yell at you, it's true.
Sometimes I'm sharp.
But for a depressive like me,
what you do is important.
- Really?
- Yes.
How can I put it?
It's always stupid,
but always unexpected.
It's important
for a healthy bonce.
I'll let you get on.
First of all,
try to focus
one's strength downwards.
Refining the movement
to reach impact point
in a peremptory way.
" Peremptory"?
The slabs are peremptory
to the direction of the force.
Perpendicular?
- The axes meet.
-" Perpendicular" works.
Since the slabs are peremptory,
or perpendicular to the ground...
Parallel.
We mean it cuts through.
- Say it, then. It's simpler.
-"Cut through" , not " meet".
The slabs and the ground
don't meet, they're parallel.
Perpendicular's
the ground and the trestle.
We're not going
to break the trestle!
If I say you're dickheads,
that's peremptory.
It's up to you.
Stand on the slabs!
Why?
See they're not rigged.
- It's fine.
- Get on!
I won't get up there!
I know they're not rigged.
What are you doing?
Proving there's
no hidden system.
It's fine!
Stop this nonsense!
Don't take all day!
I have to go to Dagonet's.
Break an arm so I can go!
We can't break an arm.
As long as it's peremptory.
Except...
What now?
Is something wrong?
I wonder if slabs
isn't a bit girly!
Start with , set a level.
Then we'll do , , ...
All the odd numbers up to .
Ready?
Ready, Sire?
I'm ready.
Want us to try with ?
Out with the light.
You might ask me!
Ask you what?
If I want the light out, too!
May I put the light out?
Well...
Go ahead.
Great.
This is jolly.
Not really.
May I know what's wrong?
I don't know.
It just isn't jolly, that's all.
Can we do something
to make it jollier?
Leave it out!
What am I supposed to do?
Maybe it's my fault!
It's nobody's fault!
It's not jolly because
we're eating and we're bored.
Makes for lovely evenings.
You should spend them
elsewhere.
What do you mean?
You'd have more fun
if you ate with your girlfriends.
What girlfriends?
The problem is,
you don't have any.
What?
I've got very good friends!
Where? Back home?
Here! In Kaamelott!
Your friends are my mistresses.
So?
They're your friends afterwards.
Don't think I'm stupid.
You've no friends because
you can't make them.
What are you up to?
In what way?
Unless I'm wrong,
your maid's dining with us.
Housekeeper!
You make the beds...
I'm not polite to Emperors,
I won't be to her!
Angharad is here as a friend,
not a domestic.
Incidentally,
you're only being kind,
but to be honest,
I feel really awkward.
You're my friend.
Nothing can happen.
I can feel awkward.
Is this your only friend?
It's hard finding a girl under
who's not your mistress.
Try an old lady. Although
they're all in bed at this time!
I could let you
trade insults in private.
Feel free!
- Stay. It's an order!
- An order!
I'm not paid to watch
slanging matches!
Giving orders
won't win you friends.
I'm following your advice,
my dear.
Surrounding myself,
forging relationships.
Very classy!
I never said I was classy!
Very wise!
I'm the Queen.
I dine with whom I like.
What are you up to now?
You invite your friends,
I'm inviting mine.
She's nothing but a maid!
And she's a Duchess?
I'm a housekeeper.
She really is a maid.
You don't know her name.
She's a Greek sl*ve.
She can't speak our language!
- I can have foreign friends...
- Careful!
If she's your mistress,
she can't be a friend.
She's not my mistress.
She's not?
Maybe you and Angharad...
I'm not going to check.
That's the best yet!
Forget it.
It's pure provocation.
Let's not argue.
An evening with friends...
Here,
Thingummy,
knock it back!
We're as thick as thieves!
You won't be at the picnic tomorrow?
I will.
You will?
Don't you hate group outings?
There are of us!
- There are .
- What?
I'm bringing my friend.
You're not bringing a sl*ve!
You don't even know her name.
I don't care what her name is,
she's my friend.
They sacked everything.
The guards did nothing!
Who was in charge
of the guards?
Don't ask me to squeal...
Was it you?
No, my lord.
It was Bors!
Don't you think you owe us
an explanation?
I feel awkward...
Shall we remind you of the facts?
I'm not sure that will help.
Last night masked men
entered the fortified village.
They pillaged
the Crow tavern,
and Bonsall's shield shop.
They're not the first arseholes
to mash up the town.
What worries me more,
is that...
The bandits
met with no resistance.
Luckily, no one was hurt.
But still, no resistance...
You were in charge
of the guard.
I see what you're getting at.
But...
I really do feel very awkward.
Enough b*ating
about the bush.
They met with no resistance!
The guards
weren't at their post.
Luckily, no one was hurt!
Luckily for you!
If they'd been real bastards,
there would have been!
Your arse would have been
on the line!
How did they get
into the village
without meeting a guard?
They found a flaw
in our patrol system.
It wasn't hard!
There were no guards!
Let's not exaggerate...
We've witnesses.
At the time of the att*ck
a patrol hadn't passed
for hours!
And where were you?
Here, in my room!
Who warns you
in case of trouble?
- The sergeant.
- And where was he?
- With the other guards.
- But where?
I accept the blame, Sire.
I was in charge.
There was a faux pas.
Punish me as you see fit.
I didn't see that coming!
Bors taking punishment?
I'm lost for words!
- It's fishy.
- What do you mean?
Are you protecting someone?
I'd still like to remind you,
luckily, no one was hurt.
Who are you protecting?
Answer.
I'll find out in the end!
I'll never betray my comrades.
What comrades?
You've said it now.
I didn't say "comrades",
I said "caravan"!
Leave me alone!
You're monsters!
No one was hurt.
Come on, Bors,
tell us everything.
For the last few weeks,
Caradoc and Percival
have been playing dice
with the guards.
They play all night in a tavern.
A Welsh game,
the rules of which
only Percival understands.
I'm a wretch!
No, you did the right thing.
Don't be too hard on them.
Those little shits will get what for!
Don't forget, no one was hurt!
Sir Caradoc!
What are you doing?
Don't you know Pebbles?
You think that's clever?
I prefer skittles, but
this is all my brother understands.
Would Arthur
be pleased to see this?
I'm looking after my brother.
He's not my auntie, though.
Haven't you anything
more intelligent to do?
He can't do intelligent things.
I took him to see the hens.
He k*lled two with a bowl.
Where's the chicky?
It isn't easy!
Why's he here?
Hasn't he got a home?
My aunt dumped him on me.
Dump the duck!
He wears me out!
Will you look after him
while I have a pee?
What? Are you nuts?
If I leave him alone,
he'll hit someone.
That's your problem!
Mind he doesn't
throw a stone at your head.
- One point for me.
- For Cadoc.
- What?
- What?
- What was that?
- Where's the chicken?
- Aren't you playing?
- For Cadoc.
What are you on about?
He said it's his turn.
He's Cadoc.
- For Cadoc.
- It's tricky!
You'll go nuts talking to him
if I'm not there!
Go on, play.
- Very good!
- He's not bad!
He's always been
good with his hands.
Apparently, he's made a model
of my aunt's farm
out of mud
and tiny bits of wood.
A bit too far.
- What are you doing?
- Isn't it me!
You're playing?
Now I've started.
Go on...
My pebble was too light.
- What are you doing?
- You'll laugh at this!
Unlikely. I've been looking
for you for an hour!
We're playing Pebbles.
What?
I watched Caradoc's brother
for him.
Where's the chicken?
Stop talking,
I can't concentrate!
It's a fast game!
You have to be instinctive.
Overstepped!
What's wrong with him?
Move your feet back!
You've overstepped the line!
There!
He's hard work!
I can't wait for my aunt
to get back!
Auntie makes tarts!
May I ask what's going on?
- It's you!
- Yes, it's me.
The pointy-roofed thing
behind you is a chapel.
We just got a bit excited.
Do you have to come
and yell here?
He's like Auntie.
He's right!
There is something!
What's wrong with these stones?
Don't blame the stones!
It's his turn.
For Cadoc.
He's annoying! He always wins.
Sire!
A package for you!
Is it urgent?
It's from a chieftain!
What's that smell?
It's the package.
I think it's droppings.
You look fed up.
Something bothering you?
- Trouble with a chieftain.
- I see.
- Which one?
- A Caledonian.
He won't rally. Now the other
clans are acting up.
You'll only federate the clans
by burning everything.
One's playing up,
the others are still in line.
Until it goes pear-shaped.
Before it does, I have to show
they can't mess me about!
What does the guy say?
Federation's unnecessary.
They're protecting their ethnicity...
I'd feed them all to the sharks!
I must avoid a revolt.
Burn everything!
That would do it!
So, today...
Don't I say
what's on the agenda?
This isn't on the agenda.
I'll add it, then.
I wanted to talk about something.
If you'd said,
I'd have added it!
Stuff your agenda!
So, we've a problem
with a chieftain.
We always will have.
We should k*ll them!
Don't start...
Still...
A Caledonian.
You might know him.
I don't spend much time
with chieftains...
He's called Conran.
Mean anything?
The old git on the coast.
He's come to see me a few times.
- What does he want?
- Not to be federated.
Again!
What do you mean?
I'm sick of it!
It's always coming up!
" It"?
" Federate" .
I don't know what it means!
I try to understand,
but everyone has to help!
Now we'll have an hour of
"federate" this and that
and I'll be lost.
A few years ago,
our King decided to rally
the British clans
in order to centralise
m*llitary action
and make transactions easier
through a common currency.
Well, that's all right then.
We say "chieftain"
but Conran
has beach huts,
and a dozen tramps for men!
But it's a clan.
No double standards.
Burn it all, I say!
Most of the clans were
happy to rally to Kaamelott.
They're now our faithful allies!
They bring us
their regional specialities!
Conran told the other chieftains
we take advantage of them
and that they don't need us.
It's us who don't need them!
Didn't you visit Conran
last week?
Yes, on an inspection.
Were you welcomed?
They told me to get lost!
Then they threw stones at me
and a pot of fish soup.
That's what stinks!
Still worrying about your chieftain?
To think what I've done for them,
I should burn the bastards' huts down.
It's not ideas you're short of.
It's the conviction
to carry them out!
Have you met a Roman Emperor?
I've met them all.
From Valentinian III,
when I was little.
- What are they like?
- It's funny.
They think they're Marcus Aurelius.
Droning on to impress.
What did the present one say
to you when you met him?
He said, "You're mean" .
But he's only eleven-and-a-half.
Know what your son's done?
What now?
He's telling people
he's "The Knight of the Lion"
For what reason?
He says it's classy!
What do I do with him?
He won't go to training.
Says he can't get up!
Don't worry. I couldn't get up
at his age either.
You're a role model?
Hard-line education is the best.
I chose the most austere
for Arthur.
If you mean
his adopted father...
Anton? I know him.
A good chap.
Anton was when he was little.
To wean him!
But when he was ...
Mother, that's enough!
No one wants to hear this...
They do!
From to
he was raised by the Romans,
in the army school.
By the Romans?
You're ashamed
of your education?
It's not that I'm ashamed!
You don't talk about it much.
I can't!
You see the reaction it gets!
I wed my daughter to a Roman!
I should burn the castle down!
For once I agree!
If' we'd known...
Known what?
You'd have wed her to anyone
as long as he was King!
- Anyone except a Roman.
- I'm not Roman.
Does his superior
m*llitary education bother you?
Do the people know
the King's Roman?
I'm not Roman!
When I tell my mates,
there'll be a right to do!
He's not going to tell everyone!
You bet he will, matey!
" Matey"?
You let her talk to you
like that?
I spat on Justinian's shoes,
I won't grovel to his minion!
I don't work for Justinian!
A Roman's a Roman.
I'm not Roman!
It's the same!
I'll give you Round Table!
Fraternity!
Find your Grail by yourself!
And when you do,
stick it up your arse!
It's unnerving to know so little
about one's husband.
We met days before our wedding.
Now you're unnerved?
I can't believe
this didn't come out sooner!
Maybe it's not that important.
I'm married to a Roman!
- I'm not Roman.
- As good as!
Which is the most powerful,
the Roman army or mine?
You're asking me?
I don't know.
The Roman army, I suppose.
Correct.
They're times stronger.
They could raze Britain
in a morning.
What are you getting at?
Why do they let a " local" King
federate the British clans?
I don't know.
Because they're nice?
Because I'm one of them.
If I hadn't trained in Rome,
Kaamelott wouldn't exist.
Look what I found.
Is it Roman?
I wore it when I was .
May I?
Do I look like a Roman girl?
Absolutely not.
I'm not chic enough?
I lack the bearing
of your old Roman flames?
No,
Roman girls don't wear helmets!
Sire,
you who can see her...
What does
the Lady of the Lake look like?
She's beautiful.
Have the two of you never...
No...
Why not?
Is it temperament?
Yes... And living on different
astral planes...
It's tricky.
- What is it?
- The Lady of the Lake.
Sorry to disturb you while
you're working, but it's urgent.
I'm listening.
Listening to whom?
Are you going to do this
every time?
I'm talking
to the Lady of the Lake.
Since you can neither see
nor hear her, wait,
and don't ask questions.
All right?
All right.
I didn't say a word!
It's a mission, but I don't want
to overload you.
You're busy enough already.
Yes, but that doesn't stop me...
Time for bed.
We've work to do tomorrow!
What's happening tomorrow?
We're off on some mission...
Where?
I don't know. A gift
from the Lady of the Lake.
She shows up, the next day
we go charging off.
She appeared today?
In the Throne Room.
You can picture the scene!
Did you see her?
No one did.
Just our King.
We can't expect to.
We're not worthy.
I thought, being the King's cousin,
she'd only see him.
She's sensitive
and shy in company.
That's not it.
It's something like that.
No, not at all.
You're nowhere near.
The official version
is that only he can see her.
I think he's trying
to get attention
and get us to work
twice as hard.
But if she's his cousin...?
There's no cousin
and no Lady of the Lake.
It's hogwash!
If she exists,
she can show herself.
Until then,
he's just taking us for fools!
She'll never show herself.
She's shy.
What is it, Sire?
The Lady of the Lake again?
Sorry to disturb you,
but I've been hearing
that some of your entourage
are questioning my existence.
Because they can't see me.
You only just heard!
About time!
Everyone's made fun of me
for years!
They think I'm a complete nutcase!
I thought, just once,
I'd appear to everyone.
It would cut short the gossip.
If you can, please!
Feel free!
- It's Bors!
- But...
What's going on?
- What are you doing?
- What's wrong?
Don't you like it?
Sorry, I can't appear in my real form.
Why dressed as a Roman?
I wasn't going to appear naked!
I think I'm going to be ill!
What does this mean?
Go on, go away.
What? It's clear now.
I was just trying to help.
- What's wrong?
- I don't know.
This map stinks of feet!
And this?
sh*t!
This does, too!
It's me, then.
My feet stink.
It tends to spread a bit.
- May I have a word?
- What is it?
- Know what this is?
- A pillow.
Pay attention.
Now look at this one.
- So?
- So, what?
Your first impression?
- That one's dirtier.
- You're right.
If I said I changed
the pillowcases yesterday...
I don't know what to say.
Do you love me?
- Yes!
- You want to keep me?
Then, today,
you'll take a bath!
Come on!
I don't feel like it.
I said, come on!
I feel out of sorts.
You wanted company.
I'm here, so come on!
I'll see how it's done first.
Listen, I'm tired
of spending my days
airing out the bedroom!
I'd like, for once, not to feel
as if I'm sleeping in a kennel!
I bathe as much as the others.
Do "the others" hide cheeses
under their clothes?
Do they wander round all day
with pocketfuls of pâté
and sausages in their boots?
It's food!
It doesn't smell bad.
Either get in this bath,
or lose me!
So?
Yes...
Yes, what?
It's not bad. It's relaxing.
You see?
Something's missing.
Soap.
No. I can't say what,
but something's missing.
Once you take the plunge,
hygiene's nothing!
You haven't soaped yourself.
Two minutes!
The bath isn't on fire!
Some buttered bread?
Wash your hair, too.
Whatever you say.
And between your toes.
I don't expect you'll do this often.
Why not? If it stops me ponging,
I'll do it twice a year.
I take baths a week!
You're crazy.
You don't smell of anything.
I smell of mouldy chicken,
but it's something!
And yet,
your teeth are spotless!
Teeth are sacred.
If I don't brush them,
in years I'll be on soup.
I'll never eat that!
Caradoc!
Sire!
I didn't see you there.
Back from your travels?
Only just.
Did the Carpathians
meet with your liking?
It was nice,
but I ate something bad.
I keep vomiting blood.
What's wrong, exactly?
I don't know.
That's why I came to see you!
Maybe it's indigestion.
Why indigestion?
I didn't say where it hurt.
I just said that.
- Does your stomach hurt?
- No.
It's not that, then.
- I can't stand daylight.
- Meaning?
Light from outside burns me.
It's since that guy bit me.
What guy?
A Dacian chief.
A big guy with pointy teeth.
He gave me something.
Look what he did!
I see...
A Dacian?
So?
Come back in days.
And don't go near anyone!
Can't you do anything now?
Put a stake through your heart
and cut off your head. It's up to you.
I wanted a word with you.
Sire?
I'm cold.
Shall I call for a blanket?
I'm cold inside.
If you still plan to buy
Dagonet's marshes,
you should invite him
to the wolf hunt next week.
There's no wolf hunt next week.
There won't ever be
another one.
What do you mean, Sire?
Anyone hunting wolves
will be impaled.
This fire's useless!
It's all right! It's me!
What's happened to you?
I don't know,
but it's funny!
Let go, you beast!
Sorry, if I don't eat
I tend to snap.
Is it working?
I think so.
Now you're out of trouble.
It seems strange.
It's normal. You were well away.
No, strange you succeeded!
No, that was...
I didn't make it, Elias did.
You owe me gold pieces!
Sir Bors...
All right?
You look out of sorts.
What is a good mood,
Sir Lancelot?
A fleeting illusion...
A mirage that swiftly
fades away...
Are you all right or not?
The roads are covered in snow.
We can't move.
Don't say it's not a problem.
Everyone's staying put.
No one will bother us!
We're not shifting it.
Why not? Too busy?
We cleared the castle gate
and it was no picnic.
Look!
I've blisters big as corns!
It can't be done.
I should make you shovel
to Caledonia as a matter of form!
The snow...
We move it, it comes back.
Always...
Again and again...
And we,
poor grieving souls,
stare blankly
into the white horizon
of our solitude.
It doesn't matter, Bors.
You had a weak moment.
I'm sorry, Sire.
It's so ridiculous!
It doesn't matter.
It happens.
Cracking up in the middle
of a meeting. It's shameful!
It doesn't matter.
You try to be strong,
then one day, you go to pieces.
We still had lots to discuss.
I know, I'm so embarrassed.
It's true!
I can't stand the snow.
You're having a bad patch.
Everything seems black.
White!
The snow's not the problem...
We have to delocalise Kaamelott.
Delocalise it?
What do you mean?
I'm sick of this lousy weather!
You get pneumonia
every time you go outside!
Let's not exaggerate...
Exaggerate?
Are you talking about summer?
measly months with sickly
sunshine and biting wind?
What can we do, Bors?
Rebuild Kaamelott
in Andalusia!
What?
What would we do there?
It's full of Visigoths!
Who cares!
We'll k*ll them!
And then,
the sun will fill our hearts!
So, all set to go?
Ready at last for Andalusia!
Is your message ready
for the Visigoths?
To be frank, the message
is something of a pretext.
You need perking up.
If, at the same time,
we can remind ourselves
to the Visigoths, all the better.
Say hello to their chief,
but mostly, get some rest.
So, really, Sire,
you're giving me a holiday.
Exactly.
I'm sorry, there's no reason
why I alone should get a tan
at the taxpayer's expense!
What taxpayer?
I order you
to go straight to Andalusia
to meet the Visigoth chief
and give him this message:
" Hi there."
It's too much! I can't accept!
Will you get out of here!
I'm staying, in solidarity
with my comrades!
Bugger off!
This is grotesque!
My place is with you!
Give me that!
Thank you.
I guarantee you'll take this holiday!
You wouldn't sh**t me!
Don't move!
Sire! That was this close!
Are we alone today?
Seems so.
Do you mind?
Not at all.
They can't be far.
It's fine.
Do I call them?
Are you nuts?
They'll come if you do!
Are your men proud of you?
Ask them. I think so.
I don't know about mine.
Most are scared of me,
that's for sure.
But whether they're proud...
Why do you ask?
I hate not knowing
what they think.
Commanders
lose touch with their men.
Why don't we boost our popularity?
How?
By getting drunk with them?
No!
Something classy.
Remind them
why we're in charge.
We don't need that.
You think you impress them
because of Excalibur.
But if you do nothing
with a magic sword,
you look twice as stupid!
What do you suggest?
A quest, something tough
with an impressive monster...
We'll both go, you and I.
When we come back,
we'll be heroes.
Something tough
with an impressive monster...
We may not come back at all!
It has to at least
look impressive.
Where are we going?
It's serious stuff.
- Not for cowards!
- You're lost.
I'm not!
You keep looking around.
You're lost.
Lost...
I've gone momentarily astray.
A classy start, I must say!
Lost temples aren't signposted.
We're in mysterious waters.
Say where we're going.
To a lost temple.
I've said too much.
What does it matter?
I'll find out in the end!
It's to make it more...
Play the game!
You were told where it was?
Yes, but it goes in one ear...
I hope it's worth it.
I've done you proud!
A room full of gold,
guarded by a -headed hydra!
A -headed hydra?
I k*lled a -headed one once,
and it was no picnic!
I k*lled a -headed one.
And...?
I nearly d*ed.
And there were of us.
You're sure about this?
I wanted something
we could show off about.
We won't be showing off for long
with a -headed hydra!
We're lost anyway.
What are you doing?
This looks familiar.
Give us a tour next time.
I think I've been here before.
Lost temples all look
the same inside.
What's it called again?
I've no idea.
It wouldn't have a name
like " Miller"?
Maylir!
That's it! Maylir's Temple.
Do we k*ll the hydra
or make camp?
That's the hydra.
What is?
The one I k*lled.
That was ages ago.
Great! We just have
to collect the cash!
Do you think I left
empty handed? I took it all!
What?
You're kidding!
Without being unkind,
your info's a bit old.
You're sure about this?
I won't look stupid in front of my men.
I said I'd bring back treasure.
- How much do I put in?
- Half.
Half what?
, .
It has to look good.
Who cares.
We'll get it back again later!
By the time light reaches our eyes,
we're seeing past events.
The fire I'm seeing
might already be out.
Me too. I look fed up,
but I might already be in bed.
I'm warning you, I'm not happy.
Couldn't you give a sign
to let me know you're coming?
The Gods are taking measures!
To do with what?
Your deplorable results!
Nothing's moving!
What help have you given me?
Half the time you mislead me!
No one said you were
entirely responsible!
You mentioned the time wasted
bringing you stupid magic objects?
I didn't want to make myself
look bad...
You've got a nerve!
I'm opening
a Chaos Door for you.
A what?
A dimensional door to let in
the worst creatures in the universe.
Sorry, I'm under orders.
Good luck.
sh*t.
It's awful!
Sire, let's leave!
I beg you!
The Demons can step right in!
Demons?
Is it a dimensional door
to the Demonic plane?
No, to the universe, I think.
By "demons" I meant anything!
We can combat Demons
with magic alone.
You mean, only with Merlin?
We're all going to die!
Let's leave immediately!
She said, "The worst
creatures in the universe".
It's just a door to another
place on our plane.
We can expect extra-terrestrials.
That's OK! Excuse me
for panicking! It's not Demons!
Just the worst animals
in the universe!
Post guards,
let's go for a drink!
Shut up, Bors,
we're trying to think.
Stop thinking and pack
your bags before some guy
arrives from some galaxy
to disintegrate us!
- It's shaping up.
- Yes.
Someone's trying their luck.
My God!
The Demons are coming!
It's not Demons.
sh*t! Let me enjoy
my last few moments!
- What?
- What are you doing here?
You know each other?
That's well weird!
He speaks our language!
- What's this?
- Where did you come from?
That's right,
ask the name of his planet.
Buy time!
Did you see in the courtyard?
A big, black, weird thing?
A bit like that?
The same,
but in the courtyard.
Does he come in peace?
You mean, this door leads...
Outside. To the stairs
near the henhouse.
The Lady of the Lake
screwed up!
I know that voice...
I'm suffocating! Help!
I've been struck
by a w*apon from
a superior civilisation.
Sir Percival!
Where's the creature?
On guard!
You went through that door
unaware of what you'd find.
It could have been courage.
Shame it was just stupidity.
I saw stars.
I dream of travelling in space.
Really?
Did you know the Earth's round?
Really, Sire!
Yeah, yeah...
Going at the speed of light
in the other direction,
you could go back in time!
I'm flattered you trust me.
When did I trust you?
Now! I'm seconding you.
I only ask you if there's no one
else around. Everyone's gone!
Even so,
you could still trust me.
I could, but I don't.
What exactly do I do?
Absolutely nothing.
You listen.
Lancelot usually helps you...
I'm afraid I'll mess up.
I'm tense!
Me too.
You're tense?
No, afraid you'll mess up.
What do the peasants want?
I don't know.
They'll tell us.
If I knew, I could prepare.
Prepare for what?
I said, keep quiet.
If I say something wrong?
And there's a revolt!
Caradoc, I'm trying to explain
something simple.
You're not getting it.
I absolutely forbid you
to say a word.
Give a discreet signal
if there's something vital.
Like this?
I'm going to k*ll him!
I'll punch his face
so hard he'll die!
I'd keep the guards to hand.
If I go for him,
your furniture
will be matchwood!
Calm down pronto or I'll
lock you both in the slammer!
If he pays me for the cow he k*lled,
it'll be over in seconds!
I've another version
of seconds!
I whack you with a spade
and that's that.
I like it when you come.
The farming world's fascinating!
Whose cow d*ed?
You know me.
I've no time to k*ll cows!
My cow took a wander
round his field.
She shouldn't have been there!
If she hadn't d*ed,
I'd have stabbed her with a fork.
When she came back
she'd caught
every illness there is!
She was on great form
when she arrived.
Her back half had been
dead for weeks!
If he doesn't pay me back,
I'll "genocide" him!
Pay him back, my knees!
If she's given my beasts the pox,
I'll go mad!
I'll burn everything!
My farm, his, other people's,
the castle, half Britain!
Guethenoc, pay Roparzh back.
Bad luck, Roparzh.
This stinks of revolt!
How long will you go on boring us
with your cow?
Farming's not for you!
You should turn to begging!
You've already got the outfit.
Are the toff's eyes stinging?
There's dust in the air.
What? Get on with it!
I'll give a cow to Roparzh.
- What?
- Then everyone's happy.
There!
That's government!
You must have cows to spare!
Problem solved.
Thanks, Caradoc.
In weeks,
that cow will look like
an anaemic goat.
In a month it'll be going
mouldy on its feet.
That was a nice gesture.
But you can't give away
your own cows.
My own cows? I've no cows.
What?
I said we'd give him
a Kaamelott cow.
This isn't a cattle co-operative!
We've no cows!
sh*t! I'll have to buy one!
- A vow of what?
- A vow of probity.
We want to make
a vow of probity.
Do you know what it means?
Roughly.
Whatever,
we think it sounds classy!
Sorry, Sire. I know you're
in a grievance session
but I have to see you today.
Is there a disaster?
It's the Berry Festival.
I have to send out
the invitations today!
What do you want me to do?
It's Sir Lancelot, Sire.
I never know what to do.
It's a bit tricky.
In what way?
Should I send an invitation
for one or two people?
You don't need to whisper.
For once and for all,
has he taken a vow of chastity?
No!
I don't think so.
He's never with anyone.
Neither are you!
You've taken no vows.
Have you?
Today's meeting
is devoted to vows.
What vows?
Going through my notes,
I realised that I don't know
who's vowed what.
It needs clearing up.
I don't know either. One or two
of you have promised things...
Calogrenant,
have you taken a vow?
At one time,
I thought about courage...
or justice, I forget.
Just a minute...
A vow isn't something casual.
It's an oath before God.
Before God?
I just said, "One needs courage"
or "Justice is better" ,
something like that.
Bors,
have you vowed anything?
I think one of a knight's
greatest values is integrity.
Who cares, it's not a vow.
I wanted to make a vow of poverty.
And...?
I made too much money.
I didn't work.
So, no one's made a vow?
Didn't you make a vow of penitence?
That was you.
I don't know what it means!
Me neither!
It won't have been me!
No, it was me.
So, Sir Hervé de Rinel,
the vow of penitence.
Although, I don't know
what it means either.
May I ask a question?
I'm listening.
It's a bit awkward...
Please, go ahead.
Have you made
a vow of chastity or not?
Absolutely not!
I couldn't remember
if you had or not.
What an idea!
I knew you'd vowed something.
It seemed the most...
Plausible?
Since you're never with anyone...
I made a vow of nobility!
Which means refraining
from debauching myself!
I'm very sorry,
but since no one finds favour
with you, it's like chastity!
I'm sorry, Sir Lancelot.
I didn't say it to upset you.
I know. It's all right.
Your intransigence can be confusing.
Don't worry, Sire.
I hope to prove very soon
I've made no vow of chastity.
Do I know her?
I'm worried your son's not been
at the Round Table.
He's having a bad patch.
It's his age. A little crisis...
Can we help him in any way?
I'm dealing with it.
I've given him
days without food.
If that doesn't work,
I'll lock him in a dark cage.
I'll wait till Monday to decide.
It seems I'm too hard.
Imagine that!
What can I do about it?
I've tried starving him
thumping him...
- But no!
- No what?
He won't listen to his father!
Put yourself in my place!
Nothing works!
What do you expect of him?
To get up before pm,
be polite to his mother...
Not that I've ever managed it,
but it's not hereditary!
- Has he explained why?
- Why what?
Why he doesn't get up?
How do I know? I didn't ask!
So, how can you solve
the problem?
I've no time to listen
to his excuses!
Why not try?
Listen, without interrupting.
- Listen to your kid?
- Why not?
Why not...
- What's this farce?
- Here we go!
Just the of us...
We need to talk!
I knew it!
When we're talking, you listen!
We should show we can listen.
- I'm going.
- Sit down!
Sit down, or I'll brain you
with your plate.
So, we're listening. Go ahead.
Go ahead with what?
Tell us what's wrong?
So you can slap me?
The idiot!
You speak.
We won't interrupt.
- You won't?
- We won't.
- Get on with it!
- Please...
Stop being smarmy!
Shut up or I'll smack you one!
I won't tolerate
the careerist fantasies
of an oppressive
generational entity.
- What's he...
- No, we keep quiet!
Hear him out.
- You understood?
- No, but I didn't interrupt.
Can I go now?
Of course.
Thank you, son.
You see?
Child-rearing is easy.
You can teach anyone anything...
That's not a bad idea!
It's you!
Me what?
- I was looking for you.
- At am?
I wanted a quick word
about the towers.
You're not going to start
all that again!
- That's just it.
- Just what?
I may have been a bit stubborn...
You've been busting my balls
over it for weeks!
This time,
I'm listening to you.
- Concerning?
- Your thoughts on the towers.
- I won't interrupt.
- And then?
We can resume negotiations
on a healthy footing.
I tell you what I think
of the towers?
Exactly, and I won't interrupt.
I think we don't need them,
I don't want to waste money
building them now,
and towers aren't going
to stop anyone invading us!
I can't believe I'm hearing
such rubbish!
Towers are the sinews of w*r!
I've said it so many times
I'm getting hoarse!
Your modern claptrap
made me look stupid!
Because you listened?
Of course!
Everyone knows it's hogwash!
It's hogwash?
Of course!
Real listening begets thinking.
Thinking?
You only mentioned listening.
If you keep things back...
Why don't you sit down?
I don't know.
What do you say?
I don't care.
Your table's clear,
I put a log on the fire.
You'll be like eggs in aspic.
What do we do?
I'm for it.
Let's take the bull by the horns!
- Time to go home?
- Let's go.
A round of Owl's Arse?
Can't say no to that!
The game with the dice?
Come on!
A bit of relaxation.
We're not work-horses.
I forget. Did we use
the Aquitaine rules?
It's up to Sir Percival.
- Really?
- It's your call.
What would you prefer?
To play a game
from back home.
Fine by me.
I don't know many Welsh games.
Syrup's the easiest.
Syrup?
With my simplified rules,
otherwise it's hairy.
But you need players.
Never mind, we'll manage.
The idea is to make bets.
With , we make bets.
It's a doddle.
We'll say syrup,
syrup and syrup.
What do you mean
by "syrup"?
Forget that. Get the hang
of the bets first.
If you start the round low
with an syrup bet,
the others can let the bet pass
or raise it to .
What's the direction of play?
Same as the bets.
That's why you have
to understand the bets.
Let's play a dummy hand.
I don't quite get it.
Say I open with an syrup.
If you syruped last go,
it goes to you.
Either you pass,
"pass syrup"
or you raise the stake
with a syrup.
Since betting's started
you can't pass.
You either
raise it to ,
or miss a round.
You say "sleeping syrup"
or "syrup's up".
Then either we play,
or I "counter-syrup" .
From then on,
"apple syrup" on ,
so we play
until someone syrups.
At the end,
you either make ,
say "super syrup" and we count,
make , say "super winning syrup"
and we add half,
or make and say "super half
won bell balaclava syrup" .
Let's play a dummy hand.
You were right to simplify it.
Even so,
I still don't quite get it.
The original rules
are too complicated.
People play to relax,
not spend hours learning rules.
So, who starts?
It doesn't matter to start with.
I'll begin.
It's played with cards, not dice!
I don't have any cards!
sh*t.
We'll try with dice.
It's the bets that count.
- Father-in-law?
- Yes.
I can't sleep.
I came down for a snack.
Me, too.
I suppose you could call it
"sleep-porking" .
I keep thinking about the mission.
We entered the labyrinth at...?
I don't know. am.
We came out,
the sun was setting.
It's not hard to work out.
There were so many goblins!
I've never seen so many
in one place!
I must have k*lled !
Me, too. Roughly.
I don't like them at all!
But where there are goblins
there's often a lot of cash.
Yes, your Highness!
Without bragging,
how much was in the bag?
I don't know.
Haven't you counted it?
How could I?
You've got the bag.
No, I haven't!
You had it.
In the labyrinth.
You took it when we got out.
I didn't!
I don't believe it!
Yomping around here at am!
It's too much!
All because carrying a bag
of gold wears you out!
You had the bag!
Who's watching for landmarks?
May I remind you
we're in a labyrinth!
We shouldn't push our luck.
Didn't you watch
for landmarks earlier on?
- No! You said you were!
- I didn't!
Are you doing this on purpose?
You don't know how to get out?
Of course I don't!
I'm not a dog!
- What's that?
- It's goblins!
I thought you'd k*lled them all!
You said you k*lled !
You said,
"I bumped them all off".
Mine, yes. Not yours!
They didn't have my name on!
Maybe they took the bag!
It depends where you put it.
I didn't have it!
Being in here with an arsehole
like you takes guts!
You're here?
- Couldn't sleep.
- Me neither.
Day's breaking.
Seriously, do you know
how much was in the bag?
I've a vague idea.
Doesn't it make you weep?
What the hell
can we have done with it?
"We" .
That's progress.
I was avoiding saying "you".
Very wise.
That's where!
Where what?
I remember where I put it down!
What?
I put it by the exit
while I adjusted my belt.
I must have left without it.
We're going back?
We can't sleep anyway!
Wait! I'll take something
for the journey!
What do you mean, " here"?
That's where I put it.
It's not there.
It's the wrong place.
I thought you were sure!
It's either the wrong place,
or I didn't have the bag!
How many of them are there?
Why are there only
guards today?
- The others are on a course.
- What course?
A militia leaders' workshop.
I see...
Remember, they said being
a guard was a transitory job
and they wanted to embrace
their career prospects?
- Where are you going?
- Caledonia.
Going... I'm not really going.
Don't play on the heart strings!
You're not going?
Not for ever.
Caledonian farmers
can't even grow radishes!
What do you care?
They want advice.
They don't know a thing!
They want to grow cress!
A crucifer in clay soil!
They won't make a mint with that!
But what about us?
I've trained up lads,
one for the crops,
one for the beasts.
Why are you going?
You run the show!
I get to be a consultant.
Expenses paid...
I may run the show,
but I shovel sh*t all day!
You didn't say
you wanted to be Pope!
The moment never arose.
It's a godsend!
What do we do?
Scribes are hard to find.
If I don't go now,
they'll elect someone else!
You're Pope for life!
If he's young, I've had it!
Why would they choose you?
There's no harm in trying.
And the Grail quest?
You said it was great!
It's nice, but it's not the same.
I'm talking about being Pope!
Being Pope!
We understand!
I met the Pope once.
No kidding!
He's a clown just like
all the others.
It's about power!
Christians will soon run the show.
It's time to get on board.
It'll be mayhem finding
a Christian scribe.
We need someone to fill in
while I'm away.
And if you become Pope?
Even if I become Pope,
I'll still drop in to say hello...
What a day!
Since we've a moment,
I have to talk to you.
At the start of all this...
All this what?
The Round Table.
- The Grail quest...
- Yes?
We built everything from scratch.
Even Kaamelott.
It was stimulating.
Now everything's built it isn't?
It's different.
Things are settled.
I'm meant to be a knight-errant.
You call yourself that.
No one else.
Because I'm always here!
Although aiding you
is a real honour.
I need a bit of adventure.
- You're not leaving, too?
- Leaving? No.
Good.
I'm going part-time.
What do you want?
Sorry, Sire, I have to go.
- Go? Where?
- Home, to Wales.
What's wrong now?
Gran ran away
from my folks' farm.
They've been chasing her
for a week!
Were you asleep?
Of course!
I wasn't playing darts!
Would you do me a favour?
No!
I'm reciting a poem tomorrow
at the Flower festival.
What's it to me?
I can't remember it!
So, why are you reciting it?
I thought it would be easy.
It's about nature.
That makes it easy?
Actually, no.
Sing a song instead.
Let me sleep.
You might help me.
I'm done in. I've other things
to do than recite poetry!
- I never ask you anything.
- Keep it that way!
If I look ridiculous
it'll be your fault!
It'll make up for the times it's not.
I'm not asking a lot.
Just an hour.
An hour?
One little hour.
"The wind, like childhood,
" Defies the mocking tree..."
- Isn't that right?
- Yes!
- So?
- So what?
Why did you sigh?
It's the poem.
What's wrong with it?
- It's useless.
- You've a nerve!
I don't care. Let's not spend
all night over it.
May we know what
Arthur of Britain has to say
about the poem
I'm reciting tomorrow,
which I took ages choosing?
- Choosing this?
- Exactly.
Well, my dear...
Give me the benefit
of your wisdom,
since you've suddenly become
a poetry expert.
No need to be an expert.
"The wind, like childhood,
Defies the mocking tree..."
- So?
- It's crap.
"The mocking tree" ...
Poets have to fling epithets
at everything that moves.
"The ironic flower" ,
"the malicious bee" ,
"the party-pooping bear".
Sometimes, they put them
after the word.
The mouseling gay!
The moustache a-curl!
It's revolting of you
to systematically try
and discourage me.
You can't say it's not rubbish.
Do I say,
"Pass the sauce white"?
or, "What's that?
Meat minced and apricots dried?"
You don't understand.
It's poetic licence.
Too many so-called poets
claim poetic licence
when they write crap
no one understands.
- I understand it.
- No!
At least, I don't mind it.
You don't mind it?
Have you something better
to suggest?
" In spring, sleep doesn't end
with the coming of dawn
"The twitter of birds
can be heard everywhere
" Night draws to a close
in a murmur of water
"Who knows how many flowers
will have fallen?"
Of course!
It's Chinky stuff.
These guys don't just spout out
any old drivel!
"Who knows how many flowers
"will have fallen."
That's it. Can we go to sleep now?
- Can I ask a question?
- What?
What does it mean,
"Night draws to a close
" in a murmur of water"?
It's poetic licence.
Not eating?
I've finished.
You haven't even started!
A few refreshing grapes, maybe...
We haven't got to the fruit!
- We're on our nd meat dish.
- The poultry's coming.
You're welcome to slowly k*ll
yourselves eating like bears,
but my own dietary principles
demand greater sobriety.
Is it true you eat seeds?
I don't eat seeds!
Dried fruit, beans, lentils
and above all,
lots of water.
And no alcohol, of course.
Don't you get bored during meals?
No. Unless they take
hours, like today.
It's not been hours...
After the cheese and stewed
and candied fruit, it will be.
Struggling?
Teach you to stuff yourself
before a fight.
I'm just doing a few passes
to make you happy.
I've things to do.
Like taking a nap?
Not at all!
How do you do it?
After a meal like that,
I have to lie down for days!
It's a matter of habit.
If you only eat seeds...
I don't eat seeds, but I think
when you eat your own weight
in meat twice a day,
it's no surprise
if you can't move
on the b*ttlefield!
I'm not on a b*ttlefield.
I'm at home. I'd rather sleep
for an hour,
than do endless
training sessions!
They're endless because
I'm fighting a lb guinea fowl
and we're bored stiff!
No point being bored!
Leave me alone!
Training is crucial!
In combat, you're risking your life
with your excess weight.
In combat, I meet
more guys who like eating
then skinny ones
who only eat seeds!
I don't eat seeds!
Hey!
What are you doing here?
It's am.
My night-time snack.
How many snacks
do you have per day?
Per day? Seven.
Sure it's not more?
How about this one?
You only said during the day!
is just during the day?
It's including
the night-time!
I wondered what you thought
of the Arms Master?
In what way?
His diet.
I'd rather not discuss it.
What example is he to the kids?
I don't know.
Eating little dry things
and gallons of water a day?
- Each to his own.
- If the kids
start believing this rubbish,
we'll have a generation
of depressives.
Fat is life!
- Were you with Demetra?
- No, in the kitchens.
Again? It's a bit much.
A bit of bread.
My tummy was rumbling.
Follow the Arms Master's example.
There's a healthy man.
If I have to eat seeds until I die,
I'd rather be unhealthy.
I don't eat seeds!
Hey! That's enough!
Father-in-law!
What are you doing here
at this hour?
I've come to sit on my bench
under my tree.
I get the picture. " My bench,
my tree" , the tone is set!
What are you doing here?
Nothing constructive.
Getting some air,
getting some space,
woman's stuff.
Can't you do it over there?
The air's the same and
I'm not there. You'll be fine.
Firstly, that tree
doesn't have your name on it.
If I want to visit other plots, I will.
Secondly. As for space,
I was doing fine
until you turned up.
Thirdly.
It's true,
I need to be alone
to relax, think of nothing.
I can refocus
on State problems.
You're focused on the State?
Thanks for telling me!
It's in great shape.
That's you thinking of nothing!
There's no reason to get angry.
We don't need reasons.
Find a spot that isn't mine!
" Mine!"
You're starting again!
In its years, this tree's
never heard such rubbish!
I've come here for years.
Everyone agrees
it's pretty much mine.
" Mine..."
Did you plant this tree?
I get it.
You're set on annoying me.
Not at all! I was here.
You came to bug me!
I'm sorry, you force me to use
my supreme authority.
You know I don't like it.
I order you to get up
and find another spot.
Bravo. You can be proud of yourself!
This gives me no pleasure.
I'll leave you to your spot,
happily.
If you like it that much,
why not live here!
Leave us in peace!
Will you go away?
I know
a little mulberry grove...
Have a nice day!
You again?
Do you want to go to jail?
One minute!
Let me speak.
What do you want?
You'd found a grove.
I'm going. I went to get a snack.
Since you're on the way,
with your tree,
I thought I'd chuck you
a bit of bread.
A noble gesture.
I'm sorry.
That's the way it is.
It's very sporting. I ban you
and you bring me bread.
Do you want it?
Yes. You can't go now.
Stay.
I don't want to bother you.
It's fine. I can refocus any time.
Sit down.
Very kind.
It was too good to last.
Is the bird upsetting you?
They get on my nerves.
- What are you doing?
- Getting rid of it.
I like them, but if you don't...
Bastard!
I feel bad.
I'd hate to change your ways.
Isn't it my daughter's
birthday this week?
In days.
How do you know?
I've a memory for dates.
Really?
When's mine?
However, it's selective.
What shall I have
prepared for tomorrow?
Meaning?
Do you want something special?
What's happening tomorrow?
- You've forgotten?
- It appears so.
Spit it out, will you?
I don't understand you.
Understand what?
How you can forget?
What, in hell's name!
The Queen's birthday.
sh*t.
You're right...
- I forgot.
- It's incredible.
I can forget
my wife's birthday if I want!
How come I remember it?
You tell me.
And what's more,
you remember the Queen's
birthday but the King's...!
When was it?
A week after yours. I gave you
a ring you don't wear.
What have you ordered
for me to eat?
Well, I...
Didn't you choose the menu?
Yes, of course!
But it's a surprise.
Now we'll find out if you know
what I like!
If it's exactly what you like,
it's not a surprise.
Veal kidneys!
How nice of you
to think of it!
I said, hang the surprise!
This I know she likes!
You bet!
Enjoy your meal!
Great.
You're not eating?
Yes!
No.
Do you mean now?
No.
I hate veal kidneys,
and it isn't my birthday.
Is everything all right?
Royal!
It's wonderful!
The King remembered
your favourite dish!
A nice gesture, isn't it?
Wonderful.
Could you remind me
what you ordered for dessert?
I'm sure it's my favourite!
What we said. The...
The...?
The long thing.
Long?
It can be wide too,
it depends.
Chestnut purée?
I don't know...
Thank you!
Thank you very much!
A kiss!
We can't.
We're too far apart.
Eat before it gets cold.
Enjoy!
And my present?
I'll just see if I've got one.
What?
Of course I've got one.
I'll just see.
Sir Lancelot?
There he is.
Is the...?
- The Queen's present?
- Yes.
For the end of the meal?
I think it's the same one.
- There!
- My present!
You're so kind!
Happy birthday!
Thank you.
You're sick!
What did you give her?
Some sweet little cockroaches!
I don't know what happened.
Someone played a joke on us.
If you find him, tell him
I don't find it funny!
I'll be looking into this,
I can tell you!
What was my present?
It was a little...
You can imagine!
When the cockroach guy saw that...
He ran straight off with it!
It's a shame.
It was valuable, too.
Between the taxes,
snow on the roads,
border posts blocking supplies
and bruisers wrecking
the place twice a week,
I was angry to start with,
but now,
I've reached the paroxysm!
You're not wrong.
My secret thrust's pretty smooth.
Unstoppable.
A tricky word,
just say "You're not wrong".
It's a life-saver
if you've a small vocabulary.
I use it times a day!
Careful!
- If it's spotted, we've had it.
- They can't tell!
When it's all tricky words?
I say,
"You're not wrong" .
Really, be careful!
If people catch on,
we'll look really stupid!
If I don't get a word?
Vary it. Once in a while,
say you don't understand.
Won't I look like a jerk?
You have to say,
"Too bad, today, I look like a jerk" .
It's not as if it happens every day!
I don't like taxing people.
If I could stop it, I would.
Hicks are never happy.
Taxes are meant to solve
the peasants' problems.
They say their only problem's
taxes. What a dichotomy!
You're not wrong.
They complain, but it works.
They revolt, but they pay
and we use the funds advisedly.
You're not wrong.
Meaning?
What?
Wrong about what?
What you said.
Whatever, we can't have
a purely bellicose relationship.
You're not wrong.
I'm not wrong?
No!
You agree that
the very definition of taxes
and the criticism they elicit
form a dichotomy?
No, I don't know that word.
It's odd,
dining at the masters' table!
We're safe.
They're in Carmelide.
If they knew,
I'd get a real hiding!
Not necessarily.
You're with me.
You're right. I'm with one of
the Kingdom's highest authorities.
If Arthur caught me here,
I'd get a punch in the face!
You're taking a risk?
They're in Carmelide.
We're doing no harm.
Lucky I've got you!
What would I be without you?
A poor sad pariah!
You're not wrong.
I'm not with you
out of desperation.
Really?
I need to ask you something.
It will appear forward,
but I need to know.
Go on.
I want to be sure
you feel the same as me.
Sir Percival,
are you and I living an idyll?
I don't know that word.
You mean,
our feelings diverge?
You're not wrong.
It's good refining our thing.
It adds variety.
Have you used it lately?
Everyone's been coming out
with crazy things!
So, boom!
"You're not wrong" ,
an " I don't know that word" .
They're suckered!
Well done.
I had enemies:
vocabulary and spinach.
I got the secret thrust
and cut out spinach.
Now they're history!
Merlin, hurry up!
The convoy's waiting to go!
Have I got everything?
- Is it a big battle?
- Enormous.
We'll be up against men.
Maybe I should take
my power doubler.
It's now or never!
No, I'll leave it.
Why?
I don't know where it is.
Sure we've lost them?
Sure? I think so.
What a thrashing!
How can they cast spells?
They can't do magic.
It's true.
Vandals can't do magic.
They've taken lessons.
This is madness!
Anyone can
activate parchments.
What do you mean?
They're reading parchments.
I can do spells like that!
They bought them
from an Enchanter.
- Isn't this one?
- Yes!
It was in the bag I stole.
Don't read it!
It's signed " Merlin".
What?
What's going on?
It's true.
It's his signature!
That bastard, shitty,
lout of an Enchanter!
Sire, he's ours!
And theirs.
You're totally nuts!
You don't enter
an Enchanter's lab!
- Then again, why not?
- It wasn't locked.
It'll be magically protected.
We'll be cursed
for generations!
What do you care?
You've no kids.
Not even a bird!
You're being unfair!
I'm not a man
who lacks courage!
That's why I'm surprised
to see you wimp out.
Some things are serious.
Magic, for instance.
We're taking it seriously!
We're searching for clues!
He's a traitor.
Don't forget it. We copped it
because he's selling spells
to the enemy!
You've no proof!
He's always been faithful!
That's what we're looking for:
proof!
In this mess?
Maybe we'll find a letter,
signed by an enemy chief.
He's stupid enough
to leave one about.
May I remind you,
he could return at any minute.
How will you explain
searching his lab?
Help!
We'll finish faster!
The King lets him use
this laboratory. It's not his.
Exactly. This is mine.
If Merlin learns you came
because you suspect him
of treachery,
he'll go over to the enemy,
and it'll be our fault.
- You can't search my things!
- We weren't!
- We weren't?
- We were!
Labs are personal!
Do I r*fle your rooms?
We're sorry, Merlin.
It's this spell business...
I know! You're thinking
I sold those guys parchments!
- Since they had them...
- And you'd signed them...
It stinks of treason!
I didn't know they'd been
jolted out of my cart.
Those morons
just had to pick them up!
- What?
- It's not possible!
- That explains it!
- Apologies, please.
Apologies?
Apologise, when we got
the hiding of our lives
because of what you dropped?
Well...
Let's call it quits.
You wanted to see me?
I'm missing a box of phials.
Really?
Lightning potions.
If those bastards find them,
we could be struck by lightning.
That's terrible!
Don't worry,
it's my fault.
Father Blase!
What are you doing here?
It's pretty much
my chapel square.
Congratulations!
It's the prettiest in the castle!
Thank you. I try.
On the other hand,
there always seems to be
food on the ground.
You might at least
try and talk to me.
What should I say?
Start a conversation
about something.
Start it yourself!
No one can talk to you
when you're in love.
What are you on about?
It's always the same.
You're in a dream for days
and you eat nothing.
- I know you!
- Then you know I don't want to talk.
Who is she?
She doesn't know you're King.
You like that?
That she sees you
as an "ordinary guy"?
That's right, say nothing.
One day you'll learn
you're incapable
of being in love,
with me or anyone else.
Passing yourself off as...
You're early.
It's possible.
Me too.
You too, what?
I'm early, too.
I didn't want to be late.
I saw the Queen today.
From afar.
Me, too.
I still haven't seen the King.
Does he never go out?
Why would he?
He's got everything in the castle.
times we've met. You've
never held me in your arms.
I'm unsure.
Unsure?
How long will it be before
you start annoying me?
Two weeks?
Three?
I'm not annoying.
Not at the moment.
I'm not annoying at all.
If you've any instinct,
you'll know it's true.
This is crazy!
What can I say?
I'm too weak to get him off!
- I thought he was asleep.
- He is, but he's clinging on!
It's not true!
Does the King need him?
What do you mean?
I don't know what he does.
He looks like a courtier.
- He didn't tell you...
- What?
And you say you're...
Yes.
We're off to a good start.
If I was what he is,
I'd say so.
It can speed things up.
What?
Nothing.
The King needs him.
It's unbelievable!
The bastard's stuck!
Here, I got you some grub.
- Things I found.
- Thank you.
I'm not doing this times a day.
He'll unglue himself.
In case he does,
there's food for him, too.
Is it proof of love?
I don't know.
I stopped prognosticating
long ago.
What advice can I give you?
I want this mission to go well.
You never know what you'll meet,
especially underground.
If you feel it's too hard
or you're not up to it,
come back and we'll find
something on your level.
We're not coming back
cack-handed.
- Empty-handed.
- What?
Come back empty-handed.
Blast!
Underground tunnels are often
a number of cells, linked
by corridors.
They're not like...
Like?
Like blood cells?
They're rooms.
When you enter a room,
first, do a safety check.
I knew it!
Step inside,
turn on the spot,
checking every corner
with a glance,
and get back into position
before advancing.
degrees.
Isn't that a bit hot?
You can come in.
I've done the safety check.
That was close!
The ground in this
mysterious place is bumpy.
Be doubly cautious
or we're in for a hiding!
Do we each do degrees,
or one for us both?
What?
You came in first.
Yes.
You checked
degrees of danger?
Absolutely.
I do it to the letter.
I turn...
Discipline is mother of wisdom.
Might we cancel ourselves out?
Crikey!
I never thought of that!
What if all our checks
are spoiled!
We'll have to go back
to the entrance
and do it all again
checking once!
No! If I turn the other way to you,
it cancels it out.
The same way as you doubles it!
Our security check would be
not just degrees,
but...
!
I make it ...
We double our safety.
Why stop at ?
The more we turn...
The safer we are!
Let's go!
The enemy can hold tight!
What's wrong with us?
A vile sorcerer's
put a curse on us!
I don't feel like going on.
We'd be failing in our mission!
Frankly, I've had it.
Uncle will be disappointed.
We were cursed!
That's no joke!
We improved our defence system.
We have to bring proof
that we got this far.
The stone we saw just now.
- With the dragon on it?
- It's proof.
- I threw up on it.
- Not that.
- Take some of this straw.
- Cool!
It's all right, they're here.
What happened?
Did you throw up everywhere?
It's too dangerous.
You're at risk
amongst this scum.
We'll soon be at Kaamelott.
A market calls for extra men.
I just can't be bothered
to go through the woods.
Keep your hood up,
so no one sees you.
We're nearly there.
Sire!
We almost didn't recognise you!
- We'll be k*lled!
- He's not incognito.
- No one's k*lling him!
- He's not King!
Go and kiss Uncle Arthur.
What are you doing here?
- Taking a walk.
- Seen anything nice?
Find the Grail?
I'm warning you,
in seconds,
I'll k*ll all the passers-by.
It's time.
- Time for what?
- To go home.
The Puppees!
You wouldn't miss that!
The Puppees?
The Puppees!
Hello, my little friends!
It's me!
Sir Bors!
I'll tell you the fabulous tale
of the Enchanted Cup. One day,
Sir Lancelot set off in search
of a big green dragon.
I'm Lancelot of the Lake.
I hunt
nasty dragons.
Is there one hiding here?
- No!
- Is he hiding...
There?
No!
I think a monster's coming!
- It's behind you!
- Look out!
It's Percival!
- What are you doing, imbecile?
- Hunting the dragon!
- No, I am!
- I am!
Let's do it together!
You'll feel
my sword first!
They're great!
It's awesome!
Just then he saw
the beautiful Guinevere.
Guinevere!
It's me, Queen Guinevere.
I'm bored, alone in the woods.
I'm here, my Queen.
- At your service!
- Stay a while...
Sir Lancelot.
I have to fight
the big green dragon!
Fight it tomorrow. Come close.
Sing me a sweet melopoeia.
A few tricky words,
but you get the gist.
Who will hunt
the terrible green dragon?
- Sir Caradoc?
- No!
That's Daddy!
The bastards!
Or will it be King Arthur?
Arthur!
You've no idea
how much they love you!
Will you do the play again, please?
I don't get it.
I thought I was really popular.
What can I say?
Maybe I misunderstood.
peasants yelling "Burn Arthur!"
isn't hard to understand!
Maybe they were saying,
"Beloved Arthur!"
So, next question?
This questionnaire's endless.
I've done mine already.
- Give us a hand.
- Or it'll take us all week!
"Would you say the money
from taxes
" is used
"advisedly?
Yes, No, No opinion."
We knights don't pay taxes.
The bastards!
- I don't get "advisedly".
- Me neither.
That one's useless.
Read the next.
" Do you think the Grail Quest
should be the principal concern
"of the Round Table Knights?
Yes,
" No, No opinion."
- I couldn't say.
-" Principal...?"
It's hard, we're in the forefront.
Wait! I'm stupid!
"This questionnaire
" is addressed
to all those living on British soil,
"apart from knights
and members of Arthur's court."
- sh*t.
- That's disgusting.
Those living on British soil
are so lucky.
% of British people
think that security
within towns is acceptable.
That's good.
Two militia on every corner!
At that price, so they should!
On the other hand,
% of the population thinks
security in the countryside
is non-existent.
- Really.
- Who'd be there?
% of those asked
found hygiene insufficient,
but % of them stated
that they sense
distinct progress.
Hygiene isn't just
the infrastructure...
It's collective awareness.
They should stop sh1tting
out of windows!
% think King Arthur
has too many responsibilities
and should learn to delegate.
They can get stuffed!
I'll delegate my foot
up their backsides!
% think Sir Leodegan
should take the King's place.
- What?
- What?
How about me?
The bastards!
Don't throw that away.
I'll have it.
% of the population
thinks it's intolerable
that the Knights of the Round Table
still haven't found
the Holy Grail.
What do we care?
These criticisms
are getting tedious.
You can't reject them outright.
Some aren't bad.
If they don't like it,
they can shove off.
They're happy to live
in a progressive country.
I'll give them progressive!
The next moaner gets hung!
Questionnaires give an objective
view of collective aspirations...
We need a way of letting
the people choose their King.
Couldn't we find something,
like getting them to fill in
little bits of paper?
- How many percent did you say?
- More than half!
- You're joking.
- Do I look like I am?
I'll overthrow the government.
No more small measures...
I'll raze the continent!
It'll be a reign of fear!
That's it!
What are you doing?
I'm making a start!
I'm smashing up the room!
Round Table meetings
are tricky without you.
Do as you would if I were there.
No one will lead the debate.
There won't be one.
Everyone will be asleep,
as usual!
Just stop anyone leaving
before the end.
- Sire! Back already?
- Yes.
I travelled by night.
Everything all right?
Absolutely fine.
Sorry to wake you. I heard
you were under the weather.
Just a bit tired.
Nothing serious.
Did the Round Table
meeting go well?
As far as I remember,
we did our best without you.
No clashes, no problems?
Nothing important, anyway.
Because, it may be nonsense,
but it seems
that during a discussion,
you got up saying,
"Stuff the King!"
What's that?
"Stuff the King!"
It may all be nonsense...
I think I'd remember that...
So do I.
I wouldn't say it like that.
However you said it,
it bothers me.
I forget the reason,
but it was justified.
Justified?
Are you completely bonkers?
May I remind you,
justified or not,
I could banish you for that!
Do it!
What do I care?
You're starting again!
I'm sorry, Sire.
We know each other well enough.
If you've a problem,
tell me straight.
I don't know how it came up.
It was about sl*very.
The others said you'd abolish it,
I said you were
afraid of doing it now.
One said,
"You think you're the King!"
I said, "Stuff the King" .
I meant no harm.
It seems a bit much to me!
They were teasing me.
I was on your throne.
On my throne?
- Don't mind me!
- I was presiding!
You had to use my throne?
I got mad.
I threw in jail!
Are you crazy?
You've let them out?
Yes. I'm not stupid.
Apart from Gawain,
Bors and Caradoc.
They really wound me up!
You think Kaamelott
can be ruled just like that?
I never said that.
When things go wrong,
I get the flack, not you.
I know.
You're seen as my right hand man.
You're privileged.
Aren't I your right hand man?
Yes.
It works out like that.
But it's not official?
All I do and I'm not even
your right hand man!
You're the only reliable one.
Let's be honest.
Teach me to be enthusiastic!
Want me to make you
my official right hand man?
Don't put yourself out for me!
What do you want?
I'm willing to try...
Try to stop behaving
like an arsehole!
I'm seconding a brat
who can't find a Grail
or give his wife a kid!
I sit on your throne because
I do half your work!
And stuff you!
Lancelot.
You're back.
Yes, the little banishment
did me good.
Your enforced break, you mean?
I can see more clearly now.
Thanks for you magnanimity.
Unpack your bags
and welcome back.
He's better, isn't he?
No. He hates me
even more than before.
There, Sire, that's the lot.
Good. I suppose it's time
to get down to it?
Get down to what, Sire?
Don't I receive everyone's
birthday wishes now?
Yes!
Since you're here,
do you want to begin?
No.
I'll let my colleagues go first.
It'll give me time to read
what I've prepared for you.
As you wish.
Hooray for the King!
Long live Arthur!
That's it? Very good.
- Was it all right?
- Perfect!
It's rather conventional.
It doesn't matter.
Greetings are traditional.
No need to change things.
I went for a standard greeting.
Did you mean to repeat
parts of last year's greeting?
Yes! Not just parts,
but pretty much the whole thing.
I thought I'd heard it before.
Was it exactly the same?
More or less.
- What was different?
- Nothing.
So, it's the same?
- Yes.
- So, it's no good.
It can't be the same.
Every year it has to be
a different birthday greeting.
I see!
I didn't understand!
I've used this one for years!
Very good! Thank you.
I haven't finished.
Go ahead, I'm listening.
" ...That the King with his mug,
like before, will strike down
"the cruel giant."
- Now it's the end?
- No.
Sorry, Uncle.
I keep forgetting the end.
Will you remember?
It was quite long, already!
Since it didn't mean much,
I wonder
if you shouldn't stop earlier.
Where?
You say, "The King
with his mug like before"?
I don't really understand.
The phrasing?
No, the sentence.
"His mug" .
- It's the Holy Grail?
- No, it's your mug.
" My mug"?
Your face!
That's why
you don't understand!
It's to do with the battle.
What's my face
got to do with it?
It's for the rhyme.
And you thought up,
"with his mug, like before"?
It's a bit feeble.
It's useless!
Should I do it without
"his mug"?
No, it's fine.
Thanks, Gawain. Go away.
"The white, dry dove
falls often on its chest,
" It flies, nonetheless,
" It's very good,
"And ends up in the prairie
of our childhood."
I've finished.
Good.
I've a little problem.
I didn't get a word you said.
What's that, Sire?
"White, dry dove"?
What does it mean?
- Aren't doves white?
- Yes.
Aren't they dry?
Yes. Why do they
fall on their chests?
It's to rhyme with
"white" and "dry" .
So, what rhymes?
"Chest"?
It's a triple rhyme.
White, dry, chest and prairie.
It's a birthday in every corner
We have birthdays almost every year
They're joyful, they're practical
It's a good way to feel great
This year, it's right on time.
Which dog did you bet on
in tonight's fight?
- We don't bet on dog fights.
- On principle.
- Why not?
- Betting's a mug's game.
Don't say that! It's a mug's game
for those who are mugs already!
Ever been to a dog fight?
No, we don't really like them.
Why not? They're nice!
Liven things up!
I'm afraid of dogs.
- I'm afraid of fights.
- We've no idea.
You're looking at
a dog fight specialist.
- You?
- You never said.
I've just got into it.
I've a feeling
dogs are my thing!
Tonight,
first official fight
for a dog from my stable!
How many have you got?
For the moment, one.
My sister's.
A yappy, limping bastard.
Craps on the floor.
Tonight, it'll be different!
Can it fight?
I hope so! Its opponent
won't be a little chick!
Isn't it a bit risky?
I'm in control.
With me?
With you?
Bet on my champion.
A noble gesture.
Did your dog die?
No, but almost.
Wasn't the other one
a great deal bigger?
Size isn't everything.
There's training!
It was trained better, too.
Yours didn't look happy.
It's always got
something wrong with it.
I never could stick that dog.
There's not a chair leg
it hasn't pissed on.
You're giving up?
Giving what up?
Dog fighting!
You're kidding!
I'm about to make a mint!
I've another dog on tonight.
It'll be carnage.
One you've trained?
No, a mutt I found
in my dustbins.
A little runt this big!
I've never seen
such a small dog!
He'd flung my rubbish everywhere!
And aggressive!
He bit my hand.
Well, he's hardly got any teeth,
but he pinches!
Sure he'll hold out?
He's a destroyer!
Tonight you'll see
a display of savagery!
With me?
With you?
Bet on it!
It's as good as won.
- That was even shorter!
- I didn't know dogs ate dogs!
Aren't you down
after defeats?
Teach it to chuck
my garbage about!
- Not even a yap!
- The other was horrible.
Coming back tonight?
You've given up fighting!
Are you kidding?
Tonight's champion
will pay for redoing my frontage!
- Who's dog is it?
- It's not really a dog.
What?
For two weeks now,
believe it or not,
a bloody bird
under my window
has woken me at . am.
Its body-clock's messed up.
You'll make it fight?
Of course!
Teach it to bug me!
I won't have the little sleep I get
ruined by a bird! With me?
With you?
Bet all you've got.
It's in the bag.
The other mutt will get
its nose pecked pronto!
I said it was a cert!
Look at that! Velvet!
I've never seen such a peppy bird!
That dog was unsettled.
There's a fight tonight.
With me?
- With the bird?
- No.
A bloody weevil I found
in my cheese this morning!
Can I have some...?
Bors, be reasonable.
We've loads of servants.
The servants who change
the torches are the same
as those that do the rooms
and occasionally
wait at table.
- Who cares if it's done?
- Sire...
We can't carry on like this
for ever.
One team per post
is the minimum!
Servants cost a fortune!
- We're not hiring more.
- Let's buy slaves.
I don't agree with it,
but they'll soon pay for themselves.
I think it's too much.
Let's go and see Venec
at the market tomorrow.
We may be tempted.
It'll be lovely,
us going shopping together!
See anything you fancy?
Are you deaf?
I'm not interested!
Make a bit of effort!
Come on, you bumpkins,
let's see some action!
The slaves are here!
Stir your stumps,
come and see!
We need to know
if we're after girls or guys.
Bodyguard,
remember your place.
Move it!
We're right in the crowd!
You could be knifed
from any side.
Sire?
It's you?
We're here incognito.
Why are you with the hicks?
We came to see
your merchandise.
I'd have come up to the castle,
as usual.
Why put yourselves out?
We don't need your opinion.
Hurry!
We're too exposed here.
What would you like?
Bors is determined
to buy some slaves.
I thought you were a modern country.
- This isn't your thing.
- Didn't we ban sl*ve trading?
Yes. It's still illegal.
So, what's he selling?
I don't understand.
Officially, I sell honey.
If there's a check,
I've shelves of it
under here
and I accuse the slaves
of shoplifting.
No one's any the wiser.
You've got your standard
good-for-nothing.
I pick them up here and there.
What are they for?
- Waiting table.
- None for security?
You need slaves
with a bit of class and bearing.
That's for sure.
No fobbing us off!
- No one-legged lepers!
- I told you!
He didn't say
he only had one leg!
Can we choose?
I'm fed up.
It's really dangerous here!
This is the last of
last year's Iberians.
- What do you think?
- Nothing.
- If he's healthy, we'll take him.
-" Healthy..."
If you want healthy,
I've none here,
and the price is different!
You won't regret this purchase.
We should have bought some
for security.
If there's trouble, I'm on my own!
Can we go now?
I've had enough.
A sl*ve snatcher!
Grudu, do something!
I'm not leaving the area.
A brand new sl*ve!
Sire!
I've found a signaller!
It's not our usual one.
Our usual one isn't there.
It's all right.
I'm great at flags.
This, for instance...
Point it towards the...
I don't care.
Get up there.
Move it!
Have they started signalling?
No, their troops have halted.
What are they up to?
Have they got a flag guy, too?
Yes, he's stuck up
on a mobile tower.
- What's he doing?
- Standing around.
Are we just going to stare
at each other?
What can we do?
Start a conversation?
What will you say?
Something like
"Hello" , or "Welcome" ...
Why not ask them round
for dinner!
Just to get a reaction.
I'll try something.
- What did you say?
- They're answering.
What do they say?
They say,
"We'll see about that!"
What?
I got it wrong.
I told them to get stuffed.
Damn!
What's going on?
They're getting into formation.
I don't believe it!
I'm not used to these flags.
Do you never make mistakes?
Cancel it! Do something!
- They're signalling again.
- Yes.
"We're ready for the."
The what?
I don't know.
They didn't say,
"We're ready for the."
It's not my fault he didn't finish.
His code is completely
out of date!
He's starting again.
"We're ready for the."
There's another bit.
Of course.
He didn't before!
They're ready for what?
" For the sieve."
You're useless at flags!
No, siege!
"Ready for the siege!"
The siege?
No, not a siege!
Starving again for months!
Get out of here!
Go away!
- Stop it, you nutter!
- They can't hear.
They'll hear this!
What are you doing?
This isn't the moment
to upset them!
That's right!
Come here with your tower!
We're waiting!
We'll mash you!
I got worked up.
I'm sorry, what can I say...
To make amends, I'll transmit
whatever you want to say.
You're not doing me a favour!
The troops, Sire!
The troops!
Go on, cretin, put things right!
Concentrate...
"Accept my...
" My apologies" .
Mustn't get that wrong.
There, Sire. Satisfied?
They're still approaching!
He got it wrong again.
No, it's a basic one.
They're drawing closer!
They won't negotiate any more!
Do something.
Stop them from attacking!
The enemy signaller's signalling.
"We'll teach you
to call us hicks!"
You said that?
No, never...
Well, it's an interpretation.
It isn't...
You could take it that way...
They're obviously useless.
The bastard won't listen.
I'm sorry! Hear me, arsehole?
Stop insulting them.
You're making it worse!
They're f*ring!
Come on, we're waiting!
Throw your crap at us!
We'll k*ll you! Right, Sire?
Yvain, I'm so pleased to see you!
I kept seeing your mother,
but she...
But...
Yvain?
Is he sulking?
I don't know any more.
Sir is offended.
- I'm not.
- Why?
The King's taking Gawain
on a mission. He's sulking.
I'm not!
I don't care, anyway.
Yvain, please don't sulk.
I'm not sulking.
I promised I'd take him
months ago.
One jerk's enough to cope with.
Great.
Thanks for your support.
He'll take you another time.
It's not the same.
Gawain's family.
- So am I.
- You're not...
- I'm the Queen's brother.
- Oh, yes!
It doesn't matter.
The mechanism's seized up, Uncle.
Get a move on!
We can't stay here all week!
Damned lock!
Maybe, with your help...
I can't! I'm on lookout
while you get the valuables!
I'll try another chest, Uncle.
- How many are there?
- One.
Two.
Three.
- Four...
- All right. Take everything!
This chest's more rusty
than the last one.
Break the locks with your dagger!
We have to get out!
I can hear footsteps.
I'd hate to damage my dagger.
You gave it to me
for my th birthday...
I'll give you another!
Bust the locks and let's go!
There's a body
on the ground!
There'll be more
if you don't hurry!
It's holding something!
What is it?
I'm trying,
but the fellow's clinging on!
Pull harder!
Got it!
I think the poor wretch used it
to eat his last meal.
- Open the chests, now!
- Yes, Uncle.
Uncle?
What?
What would drive a man,
his last hour approaching,
to cling to his spoon like that?
There! I finally
got the better of the lock!
- So?
- It's wonderful!
Tell me what's inside!
Is that all? Damn!
I fear the others are all the same.
- There are more?
- The chest's full.
- Is it worth anything?
- I don't know.
Could gold pieces
be worth anything?
Let's take them
and decide when we're safe.
That's right!
Move it!
Should I open the chest next to it?
I thought the others
were too hard.
Maybe if I force them
open this way...
What's wrong?
Was it booby-trapped?
I've got a splinter!
Listen, Yvain...
Gawain's done his mission.
We can go whenever you want.
It's fine. I don't really want to.
He doesn't want to!
After all that grief!
Why? I don't understand!
Gawain came back with
a splinter this big in his finger!
If infection sets in,
you can die, you know!
Can you do magic tricks?
- Of course.
- Will you do one?
Pick a card.
- What?
- Any card. Go on!
Done it.
What is it?
I don't know.
The of wands.
There you are!
- It's not as cold as before.
- It's possible.
It's definitely warmer.
This time last year,
I couldn't get back to Carmelide
because of the snow.
- Rubbish!
- What do you mean?
The lackeys had to dig out
the main gate!
I remember the snow,
but not at this time of year.
A year ago,
give or take days.
It was months earlier.
You've a nerve!
At this time it was colder,
but there was no snow.
What the hell was that?
I can't see anything!
Let me explain...
Yes, explain, and fast!
I always close the window
when I'm working.
- I was hot!
- Why don't I cut your hands off?
I was working away and, boom!
Boom what?
The spell cast itself.
You were passing. It's bad luck.
Bad luck, indeed!
What do we do now?
A show in the market place?
We could make a mint
passing the hat!
On the bright side,
it's good for reading!
Although in hot spells
we'll attract mosquitoes.
It's discreet. On a stroll,
you go unnoticed!
Yours are white.
Mine look really faggoty.
Why are mine pink?
It changes with each person.
It's the luck of the draw.
I've always done well at that.
Would it k*ll you to lift this spell?
The novelty wears off
after minutes.
It doesn't usually do that.
Really?
What does it do?
It's to make plants grow faster.
It worked!
Look at these branches!
You're completely hopeless!
How long do we stay like this?
An hour?
No.
More like a week.
I know it's odd, but it can't be lifted.
Try to forget it.
Remarks, particularly about
the colour, are discouraged.
Father Blase, the agenda.
It's devoted to
tomorrow night's mission.
Well, the night-time mission...
- What?
- I'd say it's cancelled.
For what reason, may I ask?
It was meant to be
a covert manoeuvre.
That may be a problem
for some of us.
We'll postpone it.
I've nothing for tomorrow now.
Some people could make
a mint in the market place!
We've done that one.
So?
Not enough for a goat's milk.
Damn...
There's a guy over there
with a cat that does handstands.
People are cleaned out
by the time they get here!
Are you crackers?
No, I'm firm.
I know you. You're the maid
who cleans the bedrooms.
I was! There's been a change.
A change?
Promotion.
I've been made pantler.
You're not a maid?
There are maids and maids.
Your basic airhead,
no future, no ambition,
and your pantler.
What's a pantler?
I can inform you that,
according to my new orders,
I manage the provisions.
The provisions?
I guard the grub.
And you can say goodbye
to your am snacks!
You can't!
It's an affront!
Affront to what?
I'm a knight!
You can't stop me eating!
I'm not, during meal times.
You're early.
Breakfast is in hours.
How will I hold out for hours?
With what?
In minutes, I'll pass out!
You can always buy
your own food
and store it in your room.
I've nothing for tonight!
Not a crust leaves here
outside meal preparation times.
My vision's blurring.
It's lack of fat, I'm desiccating!
What's going on in here?
You've come to save me!
Save you from what?
- Hypolipemia!
- What?
No fat in my blood!
I'll peel and lose my hair!
My respects, Sire.
Aren't you the chambermaid?
As I was explaining...
She's blocked supplies!
Do something! I'll smash the place up!
In a siege, you have to
hold out for a whole month.
- Siege...
- Quiet a minute...
There's no siege, you idiot!
- Sire!
- That's enough!
I don't care!
m*rder!
Do your job, but food's
a sensitive subject. For some.
Sire, I'm following orders.
I repeat...
It's fine, I know the siege thing.
If it no longer holds good...
It's not that. We have to be careful.
You never know.
- You see!
- A bit of sausage won't change much.
Sir Caradoc
has snacks a night.
Sir Caradoc says bog off!
Each equivalent to a meal
for people. That's...
I know.
But Caradoc's special.
- I'm following...
- You're following orders.
Do that, but not with Sir Caradoc.
- Really?
- That's right.
Yep!
See where you can
shove your orders!
Sir Caradoc?
No, it's Sir Leodegan.
What are you doing?
Eating a bit of...
Keep hold of the rope.
The forest's evil.
- It's a forest!
- No, it's haunted...
- People disappear in it.
- You get lost like that!
Spread out to cover more ground,
but don't let go!
That way we can all get lost
together, linked by a rope.
Stop!
What?
- Stop!
- Why?
I'm fed up with this!
I've thorns in my feet!
What?
I'm stopping for minutes!
- I'm being pulled forward.
- Tell them!
Sire!
Lancelot's stopped walking!
The King asks
why we've stopped.
I've thorns in my feet!
Sire!
He has thorns in his feet!
He says it's dangerous to stop.
Why's the rope gone slack?
I stopped.
I've thorns in my feet.
All right! I heard you!
Stop!
What?
Stop!
What's going on?
Why?
Why what?
I'm fed up with this!
I've thorns in my feet!
What?
What what?
I'm stopping for minutes.
- I'm being pulled forward.
- Of course!
Tell them!
Sire!
Lancelot's stopped!
What's the idiot doing!
We'll be here all night!
The King asks
why we've stopped.
I've thorns in my feet!
Sire!
He's got thorns in his feet.
I don't care!
He can get up and walk!
He says it's dangerous to stop.
Get your arse off the ground!
It's an order!
I stopped.
I've thorns in my feet.
It's all right, I heard you!
What?
What's going on?
Why?
Why what?
What?
What what?
I'm being pulled forward!
Of course!
Sire!
Lancelot's stopped!
What's the idiot doing!
We'll be here all night!
The King asks
why we've stopped.
He's got thorns in his feet.
I don't care!
He can get up and walk!
He says it's dangerous to stop.
Get your arse off the ground!
It's an order!
All right, I heard you!
Why's the rope gone slack?
I stopped. I've thorns in my feet.
Have I time for a slash?
The rope's gone!
It's all right, it's here.
It's here.
- When's your birthday?
- I never say.
Why not?
When I told people, they forgot.
It made me cry.
So I stopped.
Can we talk,
or do you want to eat calmly?
I'll get mad if we talk?
I don't know...
Go on, we'll see.
Point blank it seems odd.
You'll think it's stupid.
I'm used to it.
You've a great reputation
amongst the other knights.
Really?
One said, "We give him a hard time,
but he keeps his chin up."
So you talk about
what tossers you are.
What got me was Sir Bors,
who said,
he's impressed
by your love for us.
It depends on the day.
I'd say it depends on who.
Meaning?
That's the problem.
I'm the only one you don't love.
I don't take it badly.
Why say that?
It's stupid!
You slap me down all the time.
Whenever I speak
you roll your eyes.
See?
I slap you down more
because you screw up more.
Everyone screws up!
You do it much more
than the others.
- So you don't love me?
- Stop that!
What's this new idiocy?
What do you mean?
- Isn't it true?
- Absolutely not!
You love me?
Love you...
- Yes or no?
- I don't know!
- Then it's no.
- It's the way you put it!
- The question's simple!
- The answer isn't.
I don't blame you.
Love's something
that doesn't come to order.
Let's unravel this.
Say I don't love you.
- I told you!
- I said, "Say" !
I'd go back to Wales.
Really?
I'd have to.
I love you loads.
When these things
are all one sided,
it's not good.
What's going on in your head
to give you ideas like this?
If you can't stand me, I'll go.
You're going now? Great!
Sit down.
But Sire...
Sit down,
or I'll smack you one.
Where are
the other knights eating?
In the guardroom.
Caradoc's made something.
You're not going?
No, I'm here.
Why are you here?
You invited me!
Is this the first time?
Who do I eat alone with?
- I don't know...
- None.
None?
None.
You're the only one.
Why's that?
Because I want to.
An hour beforehand,
I always say,
" I'm eating with Percival.
That's good."
That surprises you!
A bit, yes!
Although, when I eat with you,
I regret it.
Halfway through, I want
to brain you with this. Shut you up!
But apart from that,
I love you.
All right? You seem uneasy.
I'm making the most
of a rare event.
Emotional blackmail
only works once.
You can't stand me
but you love me?
That's about it.
It's like my neighbour.
He loves his Ret*rded son best.
I can understand that.
- What's that sh*t?
- This?
My full moon special.
A slice of sausage
at each corner,
and dripping.
- Where does the full moon come in?
- It's nostalgia.
I'm doing this
for the nation's greatness!
Woah, Neddie!
Hold your horses!
Know how many tourists
I get a year?
- In my gastro-pub?
- On the coast road?
That's it!
Your doss house!
A model establishment!
That's unfair!
Calling a fisherman's brothel
a"gastro-pub" is fair?
Tourists always want
the national dish.
The national dish?
What do I look like?
- What's the national dish?
- There isn't one!
What do you mean?
- Have you decreed one?
- Not knowingly.
We look stupid.
That's why I have girls
to make up for it!
Where's you national dish?
We don't have it.
We've brought the "concep" first.
The concept?
Get a good global view,
then go into detail.
What's all this crap?
Please respect
our regional produce.
This is made
by traditional methods.
That's why it stinks.
You're insulting British peasants!
In life, Sire,
you have to watch your step
so you don't go too far.
You can remind
the British peasants
they make the worst wine,
cheese and meat...
- We know!
- You have toff's tastes!
You should go to Rome.
- Everything is tasty.
- We've no sun.
For photosynthesis.
We do our best.
With what we have.
But we've the best apples!
There's your national dish.
- Stewed apples.
- You're joking!
We've wrestled to find
a"conceps" with ham, bread...
- And cheese...
- And...?
We turn in circles.
Ham sandwich,
cheese sandwich.
Anything else?
No.
Yes!
Bread on its own.
Clueless, Caradoc.
What do you mean,
I'm clueless?
We're clueless,
Caradoc.
- We're after a national dish.
- We've no "conceptive" .
I'm sure you can find something.
minutes
in the bread oven.
- Genius!
- Let's call it a "Caradoc" !
Too long.
My family call me "Croc" .
The "Croc" , Monsieur!
I can't work out what I'm eating.
That's no good.
Each of the fillings
has to stand out.
Last night I dreamed someone
tried to steal my wife.
Who was it?
I don't know.
I can't remember.
Sir Bors?
What's wrong?
Thank God you're awake!
If you hammer at my door,
I would be!
I'm being spied on, from every
corner of this cursed castle!
Bors,
I'd be delighted to help you...
Menacing individuals walk
the corridors at dead of night,
in search of a symbolic
figure to m*rder!
Go to bed or come in,
but don't stay
in the corridor.
You're inviting me in?
Yes. Why not?
When I warn the King of danger,
he slams the door on me!
Maybe it happens too often.
No, the last days
have been quiet.
I trust you, Sir Lancelot.
You'd never use something I told you
for evil ends.
Trust is a noble thing.
I'm flattered.
To seal our friendship,
I'll tell you a secret.
Something I haven't told the King,
our fellow knights
or anyone in Kaamelott.
I'm listening, Bors.
All this time,
I've managed to avoid
anyone noticing.
It's so shameful...
I never had
any m*llitary education.
- Good Lord!
- None.
I can hardly hold a w*apon!
The little I know
I've learned from watching!
I never did my training.
You didn't?
- Shameful, isn't it?
- On the contrary!
Fighting without training
shows courage.
Just opening my heart to you
makes me feel so much better.
I'll help you to catch up.
We'll have some secret
training sessions.
You're too good!
Have you a secret
you'd like to tell me?
Nothing very romantic, I'm afraid.
Yes...
I'm in love with the Queen.
- Sir Lancelot, may I talk to you?
- Of course.
Listen, Lancelot.
I just saw Bors.
I think we've a problem.
You mean that, Bors...
That's right. I know.
He swore he'd keep quiet!
I'll k*ll him!
Don't take it out on Bors!
I suppose you'll banish me?
Banish me? No!
Just...
Try not to get seen together.
I don't understand.
Bors slept in your room.
I don't care what you did together.
Just don't let it get out.
I thought
you were talking about...
About what?
Nothing.
Sir Lancelot, open the door!
Forget it, Bors.
It's the King's orders.
Just a few minutes!
I long to talk to you
about you know who!
A few minutes. That's all.
- Not disturbing you?
- Go ahead.
I hear you almost got a major clue
about the Grail's whereabouts!
Yes, it's true.
I also hear you screwed up
and lost it.
Yes, that's true.
Want to tell me about it?
I'll do anything, but you have
to be a bit clear.
He said, "Head North
to the Plains of Iniquity"
Seems clear to me.
I'm saying it my way.
He muddled it all up.
He actually said,
"The Plains of Iniquity,
to the North, you will head."
It doesn't change anything.
It does, it's different!
It doesn't change the meaning.
It changes the order.
You missed an opportunity
to find out more about the Grail!
I lost the old man!
Shut up! You're useless!
Get out of my sight.
What?
I didn't say anything.
I can't stand him. It's physical.
If he doesn't go I'll hit him.
You handle it the best you can.
You're not patient.
Vital information!
If he could find the North,
I'd be sleeping with the Grail!
It's true.
He certainly learned his lesson.
I doubt he'll be able to sleep.
Sad at having disappointed you.
All right.
What are you getting at?
Percival's like a kid.
What's a kid's greatest fear?
I don't know.
The Ogre of the Hills?
- Fish soup?
- Being abandoned.
In order not to be abandoned,
they have to be
what their parents say they are.
I don't understand.
You're always telling Percival
he's useless.
For you to acknowledge him,
he has to be so. It's reassuring.
Being useless?
As long as you tell him he is.
That's wild!
I'm talking subconsciously.
Don't take it literally.
He's the world's biggest idiot,
but it's my fault for saying he is!
There's no talking to you.
I say get rid of
that NorthISouth rubbish!
North depends on
which way you're facing!
If I find that old guy,
I'll thump him!
But it was good, you found a lead.
What's that, Sire?
You couldn't follow it up,
but you had a lead.
But I blew everything!
No, you stumbled on
someone unclear
who used vague terms
like cardinal points.
What cardinals?
North and South.
Are they named after cardinals?
In short...
You are a great knight.
You're completely useless. OK?
Totally hopeless! Better?
I don't know what happened.
It went white, then black,
then white twice
Breathe deeply...
Sit still!
I'll never finish.
- It's taking ages!
- Because you won't sit still!
- I hate cutting my hair.
- It shows.
How long will you leave it?
I'm letting it grow.
- I'm taking it up.
- What?
Really long hair.
Are you sure?
I could tidy your neck,
afterwards.
Tidy my neck?
What's that to do with hair?
What's that black stuff?
The black stuff? The hair?
- Hair?
- It's yours!
Are you kidding?
Give me a mirror.
What have you done?
What's wrong?
It's all gone!
You nutter!
We said even up the ends!
- It looks pretty even.
- It was a mess!
After I evened up the left
I had to redo the right.
It's short but even.
See how stupid I look!
- I look like you!
- Mine's longer.
You look younger.
I look Roman most of all!
Yes, it looks Roman.
I did it.
It wouldn't look Persian!
But it doesn't look British!
I look like a decurion!
- I had short hair for years.
- Who cares!
You're federated with Rome,
you can have a Roman haircut.
As soon as I was , short hair!
Shut up!
You're ashamed of your roots!
My roots aren't Roman.
Long hair around here
is a sign of power!
I look like a baby chick!
They have hick tastes
around here.
It suits you better short.
That's not the point!
- When I was a kid, mine was long.
- Shut up!
Everyone called me Perciflette.
- It made me cry.
- Goddammit!
At , shaved off!
It's done now. We're not
going to stick it back on.
I can't stay like
one of my servants!
But you've the sword.
- The thing...
- Excalibur?
With that,
people know who you are.
Towards ,
I had a kind of crest...
I can't show up at
the Round Table like this!
Don't you wear helmets there?
My gran set the dogs on me!
Say it's a new law.
Short hair for everyone!
The dogs didn't recognise me.
- Your pal. The tall guy.
- Who?
The magician.
Merlin? He's not my pal.
Or a magician.
Can't he make it grow?
Missed my willy by that much.
Left a scar.
There's this one...
Try not to be too picky.
This one...
That won't do either...
Or there's this one...
That one's...
It works, of course, but it's not...
There was a better one before.
Which one?
- They're all useless.
- This one?
I think so.
It's not bad.
Yes!
That's it!
You mean, wear this every day?
It's to wear every day?
I thought it was for a joke!
We'll soon have Saxon raids
every week!
Will you do something,
or wait till they've genocided us?
The situation's under control.
Under control...
What's wrong?
We keep getting thrashed,
you say it's under control!
It doesn't look
under control to us!
I mean, we're handling it.
Handling...
Handling what?
No one dares go outside!
We're concerned.
There!
That, yes...
- The peasants are angry.
- It smells of revolt.
Put yourself in their place.
No thank you, really.
Their life's hard already.
Endless raids, they've had it!
Sure they're not exaggerating?
Saxons love
laying into peasants.
They daren't come as far
as the fortress,
but the farms...
They burn crops and k*ll cows.
They k*ll the cows?
Anything! Cows, sheep...
Even chickens!
Saxons are bastards!
I know.
We'll try and step up
defence, but you...
You won't avoid making
a little speech.
I hate addressing the people.
They've lost faith.
They have to hear us.
Don't say anything stupid.
They're on edge.
There will be of them
out there...
Prepare it well.
You think I'm a dimwit?
Bring out Excalibur at the end.
It's always impressive.
The situation is disquieting.
The incessant raids
these last few weeks...
You know, "disquieting"?
Nothing to be ashamed of.
It means there's cause for concern.
For worry.
It's disquieting.
The incessant raids have left us
somewhat weakened.
What is it now?
It's a bit tough for them.
- "Somewhat" or "weakened".
- Both.
I don't understand.
I've forgotten "disquieting" again.
We'll counter-att*ck.
Hard!
Stem the evil at the root.
- I'd have said "source" .
- Stem the source at the root?
No, rather...
- More like...
- Will you shut up?
Cut it short.
Wave your arms a bit and go!
If they get mad, we're in for it!
You fear for your brothers!
You fear for your wives
and children!
I promise you all,
the Saxons will learn
that Britain is not their home!
And if they don't hear,
I'll clean out their ears
with this!
Not the smartest bunch.
I'm not here to bullshit them!
But we're doing something!
We're not misleading them.
It kills me that
holding up the sword works!
They're proud of their King.
Morale is a w*apon of w*r.
Speak to the soldiers before they go.
Don't forget to get out Excalibur.
It impresses them.
They're not too smart, either.
Please! Please!
If we have to...
If we're reduced to imposing
this new tax today,
it's not through cruelty!
Kaamelott has no choice but to call
on the peasant community
for a vital project.
What's it for?
What's what for?
Why do we need money?
Because we're broke!
Wasn't there was something else?
Didn't you want
to build something?
No, nothing.
I thought you did.
Those who don't pay will be hung.
Oh, yes.
One more little thing...
Because, in fact...
Stop me if I'm boring you!
You come to talk money
times a week!
You're always worried.
Money comes in and goes out.
Except ours is going out
without coming in.
I thought worrying
might be a good idea.
Not coming in? With the taxes
and the treasure from the quests?
Treasure from quests?
How about the big gold bracelet
I brought back?
Where is it?
In the strongroom.
Who put it there?
I don't know. Sir Leodegan.
With the other jewels.
Unless you tell me, I'll never know
what you've put down there.
Did Leodegan take the bag down?
I'm not sure. He usually does.
I risk my life finding riches,
no one knows where they are!
Will we lose the Grail
when we find it, too?
Steady on!
Is this bracelet business my fault?
- Don't leave it to Leodegan.
- I trust him.
Leodegan? You must be crazy!
We've loads of cash!
- All that glitters isn't gold.
- Isn't this gold?
I mean, there's not as much
as there looks.
Where's the bracelet?
- What bracelet?
- The one Lancelot gave you.
First I've heard about it!
It doesn't seem to be here.
You can tell?
I thought writing made you blind!
It's not in my inventory.
- Your inventory's up to date?
- Pretty much.
You don't know.
You keep moaning
that there's no money.
There's still the bracelet.
Can't you let it drop?
I haven't seen it!
- There's the rest as well.
- What "rest"?
Whatever you're up to,
you won't pin it on me!
- We're not accusing you...
- Yet.
- You bring down the bags?
- Sometimes. So?
Do you sort it out on the way?
- Sort what out?
- The stuff you pocket!
- I can't believe you said that!
- Calm down...
I could buy bracelets!
Added to mine,
you could open a shop!
- How dare you!
- Watch it!
You're in for it!
- Sir Lancelot!
- Coming!
Coming!