I think that's all.
If we can just discuss
the anniversary
of Alexander's death...
More clap-trap!
Seriously, can't we honour
guys I know for once?
- What?
- It's always your mates.
It's the anniversary of
my uncle's death soon.
He sh*t himself
with an arrow.
Who is this "great figure"?
Alexander the Great!
The legendary king!
Never heard of him!
We should honour guys
we all know!
No one knows him.
He d*ed centuries ago!
What do we care, then?
Strangely enough, I agree.
I didn't ask you.
It's a tradition.
We honour his death,
that's all.
It's the th banquet this week!
We haven't stopped eating!
It needn't be a banquet.
What do we do instead?
Sire, may I suggest something?
Go ahead.
"A-lex-an-der" three
"of Ma-ce-don-ia,
"the Great" . syllables.
I suggest we speak
in -syllable verses
on the anniversary
of his death,
from dawn to dusk.
Two equal hemistiches.
- Alternating rhymes.
- What?
But Uncle,
that's incredibly difficult!
You can count up to twelve?
We've better things to do.
All right, we'll do that.
Send out criers
so everyone follows suit.
What's the message?
"The King has decreed,
that for this special day,
In twelve-syllable verse,
you must communicate,
From when the sun rises,
till its glow fades away
To honour the death of
Alexander the Great.
Yes, it's right.
Yes.
- Did you have a good sleep?
- Yes thank you, it was ace...
Even though I got up
three times dying of thirst
And went to the kitchens
down that freezing staircase
And drank so much water
I was sure I would burst.
So that was behind all
the coming and going
I vaguely remember
as I fitfully dozed.
Show consideration
for me while I'm sleeping:
Talk in whispers and walk
on the tips of your toes!
Have you by any chance
the twisted intention
Of driving me crazy
when I'm barely awake?
You could try being nice
if cute's not an option!
- It's not asking too much...
- Can't you give me a break!
The moment seems fitting
to point out to you, dear,
That you're not the only
occupant of this bed!
I'm aware of that thanks,
I've had it up to here!
You'll be sleeping alone
if you make me see red!
I've had more than enough
of these vacuous words.
About roads, about fields...
Are you never content?
Stop this bellyaching,
they all have to be heard.
But what good will it do?
They're so intransigent.
Have you only contempt
and no shred of goodwill?
Are the people's problems
no longer your concern?
Be careful, Sire Arthur,
I've about had my fill!
If you want a result,
it's time we got a turn.
But is it my business,
all this stuff with pear trees?
- Apple trees, actually.
- Do I care what they are?
He came and he planted
his trees in Tintagel!
A sizeable journey,
it's a little bizarre!
I'm telling you, madam,
I do it with bad grace!
I've other things to do
than travel the country.
- So, why?
- Kaamelott's got no available space!
There's no other option
despite being costly.
Apples, apples, apples,
it's baffling to me...
dozen hit the ground
if someone blows their nose.
Why do you have this strange
devotion to the tree?
I can't be blamed if it's
the only thing that grows!
- Innkeeper, go to it!
- We're almost out of red!
- What can I do for you?
- Same again plus some lard.
Some ham and some pâté,
some cheese and lots of bread!
- Throw in some sausages!
- You're eating at the bar?
Bring it to the table,
we're feeling fit to drop!
So, break out the cider!
bowls and a big keg.
, , and we're off!
I'll bring your bowls of slop!
- It'll be most welcome!
- And we'll relax our legs!
Why are you here
at this hour?
I wanted a snack! It's not
abnormal!
When you get up to eat
you wake me up,
you light candles, cough...
- You forget I'm there!
- So?
This time, not a sound,
super-stealthy!
You slipped out of bed
like a fart on black ice!
Maybe I've become considerate!
Don't take me for a trout!
- What's up?
- Nothing!
- Nothing?
- I swear.
You're having me on
and I warn you,
I'm not in the mood!
Tell me why
you're sneaking around
or I'll slap you!
Calm down!
Maybe it's none
of your business.
Whatever you do,
is always my business,
like it or not.
When we married our girl
to that fool,
it was in the expectation
of making some easy money.
I'm simplifying it.
It's concise, but I'm with you.
So far, there's no heir
and no cash either.
I don't have the figures.
He gives us nothing!
He gets our daughter,
we get a room.
- So?
- I've altered my tactics.
Every time we return
from a mission...
I take some booty
to save face!
Ajewel, a precious stone...
- You steal the Kingdom's money?
- No!
I channel it.
The intention's different.
But the result...
It still smacks of swindling.
- Are you with me?
- I'd hate to obstruct a good cause.
Remember this:
In case of room-searches,
I keep everything in this cupboard.
I take it back
to Carmelide and bury it
under the floor
of the main hall.
It wasn't for want of looking...
Just hope no serf comes
snooping around before we go.
You know,
if anyone found out
about your little game...
Who's there?
Look!
Anthony and Cleopatra!
What is it, Son-in-law?
I wanted some water.
And some apple brandy.
I've toothache.
The brandy in the cupboard?
That's the one.
In this cupboard?
Possibly.
What's wrong?
You're drinking
brandy at this hour?
Brandy never soothed
a toothache!
You two are unattractive
enough by day,
by night, you're terrifying!
It's no good, I can't eat.
It'll be better tomorrow.
We'll see. I know!
- I'll get a clove. That works.
- No!
It's rubbish. It doesn't work.
There's nothing for teeth
in the cupboard.
You're a pain! What works?
Rest.
Or at a pinch, something
in the other cupboards.
- I didn't speak!
- Shut up!
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I thought it was the code.
What code?
The scouts' code.
I know the code.
"Viper and owl".
That's the password.
What's the code?
It's... the code.
The code's "the code"?
They slaved over that one!
Now they need us!
There's trouble, call the idiots!
- Everyone's dead, fetch the fools!
- Use the jerks!
- You're close.
- All the scouts are dead.
We need the enemy position.
Forget it, Sire!
They don't know the code.
- Dammit!
- What code?
- Teach it to us!
- Isn't it "the code"?
- Teach you the code?
- So?
- We're no dumber than the scouts.
- And they're dead!
Need we say more?
To speak at a distance, scouts...
Listen or you won't understand.
They tap sticks together
in various ways
to make words.
- Lost already!
- Make an effort! We need you!
A simple exercise:
take your sticks.
One tap for Yes
and two taps for No.
Pretty simple so far?
An example for you,
Percival.
Did you have a nice lunch?
- Yes.
- In code, you idiot!
Do I care what you ate?
You asked me.
Lunch was crap.
Why bring it up?
One tap for Yes, two for No!
Start again.
Reply with the sticks!
Did you have
a nice lunch, Percival?
- Yes, but I hate herrings.
- Is this deliberate?
You said, " reply with the sticks" !
I get it!
We mustn't speak!
- Of course not!
- Make an effort, please!
I've got it.
Ask a question.
Did you have a nice lunch?
What does taps mean?
It has to mean something?
One for Yes, two for No!
Again.
Did you have a nice lunch?
You did?
- So?
- I didn't cook it!
Who cares what it was like?
It's fine, we're ready.
- Really.
- If you just explain...
One more for the road.
Fling us a phrase!
The raspberries are on
my grandpa's stool?
That's right. Good luck.
One last thing.
How do you say,
"We're in the sh*t. Help!"
I'm sure we won't need that.
Sire, this is intolerable!
Waking me up, you mean?
The din in Venec's room
is keeping me awake!
Venec's room?
He has a room?
I knock on his door to say stop.
Know what that weirdo's up to?
Running a dog fight!
A dog fight?
In his room?
Exactly!
And the Knights
of our Round Table
are having a field day!
Bring him here.
Would you come with me?
Most of them
are drunk as skunks.
I'm afraid I'll get hit!
What's that?
The bets.
I'm not leaving them there!
It's shameful.
- Bors, don't start!
- I have to get back.
They'll trash my room.
Since when have you
had a room in the castle?
If I'm in the area I often
see if there's a room free.
Saves kipping in the caravan.
Make yourself at home!
We could
give you the strongroom key!
To stash this?
No, thanks.
Cash you carry.
That's the rule.
Number one,
next time you're "in the area" ,
free rooms or not
make do with your caravan.
- I'm not a hotel.
- You asked for that!
What does it matter
if no one's in it?
If you were discreet, why not?
But what the hell's all this?
Dog fights, Sire!
It's horrible!
" Dog fights" he says...
It isn't true?
Some of your colleagues
dropped by,
so we had a little drink
as a night cap.
I've a couple of dogs...
There you are!
A fight kicked off!
It wasn't planned.
The King banned gambling.
It's too much,
doing it right here
in the castle!
You've got a nerve!
I thought it was OK
between friends!
Of course!
The law says gambling
is banned
except between friends!
That would be stupid!
For you, the new law
just means
the local wasters
are now your friends!
- Laws can be interpreted.
- So they can.
I'll interpret one
to lock you up!
Wait!
What harm are we doing?
I'm not forcing anyone!
You woke everyone up!
Dog fights can be boisterous.
Sire, see how much money
this dirty pig
has extracted
from our friends!
That's gambling.
Some you win, some you lose.
When do you lose?
This is my livelihood.
Are the fights rigged?
" Rigged" !
There you go again!
No, my dog's trained
and they don't have a dog.
I lend them one of mine.
It's half dead.
It can't work wonders.
So you have a trained dog
and some others?
I find them by the roadside.
Sick dogs,
-legged strays...
They get a second youth:
instead of dying of cold,
they die in glorious battle!
If they could talk,
they'd thank me.
If they had teeth,
you'd have no nuts!
Sire, be serious!
Two weeks in jail, no less.
You're lucky! I'd call it lenient!
One week. Go on, Sire!
Two.
One week,
and I'll give you half the cash.
Add attempted bribery,
it's different.
We'll round it up to a month!
What's happening now?
A meeting of
the Ladies of the Knights
of the Round Table.
Have you nothing else
to bloody do?
No, we haven't much else
"to bloody do" .
We can get together if we want!
To do what?
The same as you. To talk!
For what purpose?
The same as you.
None!
It just came to you:
- "A wives' meeting"
- You're invited too.
No chance!
If I want to hear clucking
I'll go and feed the hens!
Don't come, then.
Will Caradoc's wife be there?
Absolutely.
Percival has no wife.
That would be me,
but not yet.
You'd invite your maid?
If I was his wife
I wouldn't be a maid.
To me,
you'll always be my maid...
That's encouraging.
Lancelot has no wife either...
Nor do
Yvain, Gawain,
Herve of Rinel or Bors.
Bors has a wife!
He does?
Look me in the eye
and say that!
- Just because we don't see her.
- It's a sign.
She's an invention.
What gives you the right
to say that?
- If you ask my opinion...
- It so happens, we didn't.
If Bors has a wife,
I'll make the sandwiches
for your meeting
and prepare the drinks!
I'm delighted my idea
of a meeting
of the Knight's wives
appeals to you, Sir Bors.
To whom would it not?
I think it's
a charming idea!
I'm going ask the King
to let you
- use the Round Table!
- That'll be the day!
Women in the Table room?
I can't go into wash the floor!
How about the stables?
Of course,
your wife will be with us!
My word, why not?
- It's worth considering.
- Consider it, then.
Has your wife ever been
to the castle?
No, she lives in Gannes.
Long journeys exhaust her.
- Particularly by boat.
- I see...
So she doesn't travel.
If possible.
This time she's going to.
This meeting
is compulsory.
- Really?
- Really?
- Am I wrong?
- No...
The thing is...
I don't know if it's possible.
It has to be. King's orders.
- Really?
- Really?
- Since when?
- Since I'm going to ask him.
Sir Bors...
You asked to see me?
We had our wives' meeting.
It went well.
I was looking forward
to meeting your wife...
And no wife.
What a surprise!
- Couldn't she come?
- It was compulsory.
She came,
but was unable to get up.
I see.
Of course,
no one saw her!
She arrived late at night.
May we visit her
in your room?
Unfortunately,
she's in no state for visitors.
I do declare!
- Send her our regards.
- That's right.
Massage her feet!
It relieves headaches!
I most certainly will.
They all seem so edgy
at the moment.
My head's spinning.
All the furniture's moving...
I'll tell the King you can't travel.
You live here when you're away?
Long, lonely nights when
my thoughts fly home to you.
When people visit our country
it's normal to show them
the best bits.
That depends.
% of the people who visit
our country are invaders.
If in doubt, sh**t them!
It's ridiculous!
All the money will go
on some insane device
for cutting people into bits!
I won't go into whys and hows.
If we throw money into balls...
It's not for balls!
It's to set up a permanent
dance company,
which could
demonstrate traditional dances...
Seven towers! You're nuts!
You always want more!
We're on an island!
Until I've towers all round it
I'll keep wanting more.
Without mentioning
the aesthetic side...
Security...
Security's doing fine!
A crab couldn't get through!
Shows I'm doing my job.
I completely agree,
we can't be too careful.
What?
- No, Sire...
- Let me finish.
It's just that I'm forced
to delay the construction.
You're not going to give me
the old budget routine?
You have to borrow cash
if the army needs it.
Money's not the problem.
It's wood.
- Wood?
- There isn't any.
During the summer fires,
we lost half our wood.
We need to keep warm!
Borrow wood instead of cash!
Our neighbours are short too.
You're having me on?
We'll ask the peasants.
And the dancers?
We're going to have to
put that off too.
Why?
Because,
I can't stand dance.
We're agreed?
You'll come and explain
about the wood.
I'm not too keen, Sire.
It sounds stupid.
We're knee-deep in wood.
Think my father-in-law
knows that?
Say neither we, nor our neighbours,
have any wood.
Just be discreet.
I'm here in secret.
- What if he asks why?
- Make something up!
Say there's no more
and that I can't
buy it elsewhere.
I assure you,
if I can, he'll make me.
You can be made to do things?
I made my father-in-law
responsible for defence.
I was newly married,
it was a gesture.
Buying him a goat
would have been cheaper.
This is crazy!
It's a bloody nuisance!
Not a stick of wood!
And don't ask the...
ask the...
neighbours.
It's the same!
What the hell happened?
- This is a first!
- It's a combination of things.
It's a question of...
conjunction.
I only just learned that word.
I'm not sure it fits.
Thank you
for enlightening us.
On the other hand,
I have a small supply
I've amassed over the years,
in case of need.
If it's for defence,
you can have it.
At least, I'll sell it to you.
- It'll cost more.
- What?
Shortages make prices soar!
Peasants can count, too!
- I'm off.
- Will you be at home later?
That depends.
My men and I will be knocking
your house down.
Knocking it down?
A m*llitary prerogative
in times of hardship.
It gives us more wood.
- I'd forgotten that law.
- I didn't tell you.
I was afraid you'd flatten everything.
You were right.
It's you?
Yes.
- I wondered where you were.
- Here.
I woke up,
saw you weren't there
- and said, "Where is he?"
- I was here.
I looked through the window
to see if you were
walking the South rampart
as I know
you do sometimes. But no.
No. I was here.
Next time,
say where you're going.
It'll save me wandering around.
Next time, I'll stay in bed.
These impromptu snacks are nice.
- Do you do this often?
- If I'm hungry.
Do you do it alone,
or with others?
The point of a am snack
is that no one bothers you.
You're right. It's better alone.
No, really, really alone...
You've no idea!
If you're here often...
Getting some peace...
You must have noticed!
What?
Maybe it's hearsay.
- What?
- Well...
It might not be true...
They say
couples meet here at night!
What couples?
Couples!
Knights and their lovers!
Servants even, who knows!
Couples come here?
- Apparently.
- Really.
They even do things
on here!
Had you never heard that?
Strange it hadn't
reached your ears.
Maybe because I don't care.
Do you think it's true?
Maybe.
They can do as they like.
Aren't you intrigued?
- No.
- I'd love to know.
You can keep watch,
I'm going to bed.
- Stay with me.
- Where?
Here!
We'll hide
and see if someone comes.
- You're kidding!
- To please me!
No!
All I want is to go to bed!
You were in bed!
You got up!
Not to watch servants
rolling in the ham!
Go on!
Don't go to sleep!
Open your eyes!
You'll miss it all!
This is too much!
If people hear you snoring,
they'll be off like a sh*t!
What if no one comes?
We're not hiding all night!
Another hour
and we'll go back to bed.
Another hour!
You won't be disappointed!
I'd rather do it tomorrow.
It's late.
It's never too late to have fun!
It's am.
There's a time for everything!
Apart from this.
Just talking about it
gets me excited!
What are you doing?
I don't know.
I do. Stop it right now!
Hare pâté with chestnuts
and preserved liver.
Before going to sleep...
Before, after, during...
Always overindulge
in good things!
I'd rather see this
than something else!
You see this,
you wonder why wars exist.
Can we go to bed?
No one talk to me about famine!
Eating isn't everything!
From a public health angle,
it's better to eat this once
a month than crap every day.
What?
Did you hear snoring?
Snoring?
att*ck the pâté, you'll feel better.
You know, at this level,
it's no longer gastronomy,
it's eroticism!
He was this far away!
The guy was tangled up.
He could have k*lled him!
- Bors never gets his sword out.
- He does.
As a walking stick!
Sometimes he grills sausages on it.
I don't believe it!
The chief!
He'd have had him!
The w*r would be over!
You have to teach him to fight.
I have other things to do!
We could do it, especially
the technical part.
But we're constantly
evolving...
It's too specialised.
He'd be lost...
Up!
Get up!
Sire! What's going on?
It's time! Get your arse
into your clothes and let's go!
Go where?
- The courtyard for training!
- Training in what?
Sword fighting.
Where is it?
- Looking for something?
- Your sword!
- It's not here!
- A Knight is never far from his sword.
I don't keep it in my room!
What if I cut myself?
The first thing to master
- is distances.
- Good.
What do you mean?
As long as
we're not talking fighting!
What are we talking?
You said "distances" .
- Fighting distances!
- Of course.
The fact that you've no...
basic training is all right.
Although I'm nice not
to throw you out
of the Round Table.
But screwing up
the way you did
is intolerable!
I know! I was petrified!
The Vandal chief was a monstrosity!
I don't want to know.
We'll start from the beginning.
Get cracking.
As I said,
the first thing to master is...
Distances.
Say I'm threatening you.
What distance
should you be from me
to run the least
possible risk?
About here, I'd say.
Further, you'll get hit by arrows.
This seems like
a good compromise.
So, that didn't work.
I know.
If it'd been me,
I'd have gone behind the farm,
but there are rams.
No point escaping
one danger
to rush into another.
I still think it was too far.
While this, on the other hand,
is too close.
But, Sire!
There's nothing like an example.
Your position wasn't safe.
You might have told me!
I just did.
This is unarmed combat.
This is about the right distance.
To touch you,
I have to step in.
Do you see?
- What are you doing?
- Kicking you!
In the chest?
That's madness!
The pain must be terrible!
You haven't been hit enough.
You don't even think to dodge!
Every battle,
I try and stay at camp
to watch the horses.
It's a form of dodging.
Won't you at least learn
how to parry a kick?
Or a punch?
- Or a flick?
- Wait!
Before anything,
it would be wise
if I vomited.
- Ready?
- I don't know.
Concentrate.
My God! Is that it?
I parried the blow!
Absolutely.
Take advantage to re-att*ck.
Let's not go too far!
Come on!
Sire!
Answer me! I didn't mean to!
I'm a wretch!
Sir Leodegan?
- You're here?
- Yes.
It's you who's here.
I came by for a look.
A look at what?
I'd heard you'd
withdrawn from society,
you needed to be alone...
That's right.
So, I thought I'd drop in.
So, you sleep here?
- Absolutely.
- It's very...
smart.
Did you build it by yourself?
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Doesn't leak too much?
Tell me again,
why did you come?
We haven't seen you
for a while, I thought,
- I hope everything's OK.
- It is.
If it reassures you.
People say... " Knight errant" ,
but it could mean anything.
- Really?
- Yes.
For you, what does it...
What does it evoke?
How do you...?
Knight errant...?
Instead of being
with other knights
doing missions with them,
fighting evil with them...
- I'm alone.
- You do missions alone?
It's still a bit new.
I haven't been here long.
It has to take shape.
- But you'll do missions?
- In the end, yes.
Very good.
Anything else?
Make your grub.
Don't worry about me.
I thought it'd be less wild.
More...
More what?
I don't know. Less wild.
The forest's wild.
Isn't that the point?
The back to nature side?
Yes.
Sir Lancelot, I brought you
a few things to eat.
I thought you'd like them.
- Wonderful.
- A bit of ham,
half a cheese, some bread...
Try not to let it dry out.
Unlikely, given the damp here.
So, Sir Lancelot...
Tell me about your little retreat.
Are you managing
to refocus on yourself
the way you hoped to?
It depends on the day.
You've double portions
of ham and cheese!
Just think!
Two pairs of little hands
working to make you happy!
Fantastic.
Don't say you're neglected!
I didn't say a thing.
Is this where you live?
It's delightful!
You must be happy here.
The silence, the fresh air...
A haven of peace.
- That's the word.
- What are you doing here?
- Look who it is!
- What a surprise!
- You didn't say you were coming!
- Neither did you!
A gathering
of the great and good!
No more, no less!
- You brought some grub?
- Yes!
Better than a kick in the balls!
There's nothing like nature...
It's a lovely spot.
It's almost
as if you can feel the forces...
They come from the earth...
Telluric.
Lancelot!
Come and eat!
You'll have time to refocus later.
When you asked me
to organise festivities,
I agreed to please you.
And to compensate
for the fact that you've
sponged off me for years.
Following your marriage,
for the sake of which
we gave you our daughter...
A marriage which enabled you
to retain sovereignty
over the Kingdom
of Carmelide.
Which you attached to
the supremacy of Kaamelott
immediately.
Giving you the right
to sponge off me!
- Must we discuss that?
- No. We've said it all.
I'm listening.
When you say,
"organise a party"
it sounds cute. But you invite
the biggest oafs in the land!
They're chiefs!
They're spirited!
Last time
they got so drunk, d*ed!
That's not your problem.
My problem is
they break all my plates
and guests eat
enough food for ...
All right, I know them.
Know their latest game?
They fight with the servants.
So...?
You don't understand.
"With" the servants.
They pick servants up
and hit each other.
All right, that's enough.
- Do you want money?
- No, sir.
I'm here to say,
one banquet's hard enough,
I can't do two.
- I can't cope. I give up.
- To organise two?
We've two at once.
That's stupid!
Move one.
There's my husband's
catapult display
and Bors' First Snow Ball.
Neither will budge.
It's a gathering!
All the chiefs are coming!
We can't cancel!
All the chiefs!
That'll be a quiet night!
More mental defectives!
I won't budge.
For days we'll discuss
methods, technology,
new tactics...
For pulverising one's neighbour!
Very rewarding!
And your ball is? days
watching poofs prance about!
Anyway, I can't.
There's not enough food.
Although Bors' lot eat less.
If those psychos don't wolf it all
we might nibble something.
Wiggling your bum's
hungry work!
All right,
let's call a halt
while we find a solution.
What's more,
I'm not even invited.
- To what?
- His stupid ball!
Invite you? Of course!
Why not Nero?
We'll be dancing,
not k*lling people.
- You'd actually have gone?
- Of course not!
It's the principle!
What's he on about now?
- I'm lost.
- Me too.
Bors is creating a division.
He holds his ball
and thinks it's
no one else's business.
No wonder there's trouble!
Now I've heard it all.
I'm happy to invite you!
No, I'd b*at everyone up!
I've received no invitation
to your depraved display.
You?
At a catapult display?
If it makes life easier,
I'll stare at catapults!
It's not a bad idea.
The dancers could stand
by the weapons
and I'd get them to improvise
a dance on the theme of w*r.
Upon my word,
I really couldn't say...
- What could you do?
- I don't know.
I can't bring a catapult to a ball.
I'd look stupid!
We could try catapulting a dancer!
- It's there.
- We're not sure.
It's where the old man said.
How come we found it
straight away?
He explained it well.
We usually get lost.
This time, no.
I'm sorry, it's fishy.
Let's go in, now we're here.
- I'm sorry, it stinks!
- You think?
We never get anywhere.
This time we find it first go!
sh*t! What do we do?
Truly, I don't like it.
We'll never open the door.
We'll be home in a flash.
- Got the tools?
- We don't have tools for that.
Got any tools that don't?
I've got my shirt.
It's too soft.
- I've got a spoon.
- Not bad.
It's a bit like a key.
- It's open.
- What is this?
This smells like a trap!
I'm getting the jitters.
I'm not into this!
Someone's having us on!
Should we go?
It's a bit stupid.
For once it's open.
You want to go in?
We'll go in, if it stinks,
we'll leave.
I think it's a mistake.
Hang on!
How far into this trap
are we going?
- No one's here!
- It's the ultimate trick!
minutes and we haven't
seen a soul.
Maybe we're too crafty!
There was a real trap,
but it failed!
No monster,
no dodgy magician, nothing!
I know!
We answered the riddle!
What riddle?
We answered
without knowing!
I know! I said, " It's like looking
through a spade".
The riddle was: "What object
is it like looking through?"
- Sure?
- It's obvious!
That's why there was no one.
We foiled the traps!
I'm sorry but
I still say it stinks.
This is really bad.
I agree.
It's not normal.
Don't give me that riddle stuff.
This is the fatal trap!
- The snare tightens!
- A monster may show up!
It stinks to high heaven!
Coming across money!
First go?
We didn't even get a blister!
Don't take us for jackasses!
Don't be too clever,
there'll be hell to pay!
Think we're just going
to take your cash?
- Drop dead!
- We're not touching it!
Find some other jerks
for your filthy tricks!
Let's go!
They may have locked us in!
sh*t!
- Are they following us?
- I can't see!
Bastards!
Hurry! It's our last chance!
We leave feet first
over our dead bodies!
The bastards!
So no one else gets suckered
we should lock the gate.
Still no tools?
My shirt, but it's too soft.
I'll lock it with my spoon.
It's a good thing we're here!
- There you are.
- Yes. Why?
- Off to your lab?
- No...
Going there later?
- No.
- All right.
Do you mind if we go in?
- I have to talk to you.
- That depends. Got the keys?
It's crazy we can't get in.
I'm freezing!
Elias won't be long.
I know you're not
the tidiness king
but don't lose
the keys to your lab!
I didn't!
Elias has them.
We've always had
sets of keys.
- Elias has his, you have yours.
- He has them both.
- What?
- His, and mine.
I understand. But how?
It worked out badly.
He borrowed them
and didn't give them back?
He banned me from
entering my lab again.
What? What's going on?
Could we move away
from the lab?
Elias forbid me from coming
within ft of it.
Explain this mess!
What mess? The lab?
You're kidding!
- It's never been so tidy.
- Cut out the tidy gags!
Why hasn't he any keys?
He won't give them back.
No I won't.
I was nice at first,
I let him potter about,
but I've work to do.
What's this nonsense?
You're supposed to collaborate!
So there!
Fine collaboration!
You said we should
find a way
of moving up a rung.
Yes, by collaborating!
- With that?
- All right!
You wanted
to go your own way.
You don't even follow
the instructions.
Let's be serious.
How can I collaborate
with a fool
who can't tell the difference
between turnip juice
and bear's piss!
The bear's piss
tasted like turnip.
There's always something.
I haven't time!
I won't go over why I thought
Kaamelott should have
enchanters.
That's my business.
However,
I don't want your opinion.
You will both glue yourselves
to your mixtures and make me
a Wound Healing potion,
together. Got it?
I can do it in minutes...
Together! Are you deaf?
I'll be back in one hour.
If I hear the slightest
"What's that?" ,
I'll throw you both in jail
for a week, understand?
Watch it!
- Here.
- Did it work?
- It depends what.
- Isn't it a Wound Healing potion?
- No, it's fox bile.
- What can I do with that?
We shared the tasks,
like you said.
For a Wound Healing potion
you boil sand and herbs
while marinating roots
in fox bile.
- So?
- I did the marinade, here it is.
He was boiling water.
It blew up in his face.
There must have been
a problem as I lit it.
So, you have half the result.
Fox bile.
Can I use it?
If you come across an enchanter
who knows how to boil water,
you could try
a Wound Healing potion.
But then...
You'll be out on your ear
unless you buckle down.
Keep screwing everything up,
you'll become a legend!
What?
My hearing's sh*t to pieces!
I said, you'll become a legend!
A moment alone at last!
Yes, it's nice.
It's good of you
to give me your time.
- You're very busy.
- Am I? Who told you that?
No one.
I imagine Round Table Knights
have a lot to do.
Like what?
I don't know!
Fight, dispense justice...
I see...
- Am I wrong?
- No, they're always rummaging about,
I never know what
they're up to.
I wanted a word with you.
I don't want to appear unseemly.
- I don't know what it means!
- Really?
Go ahead!
If you say so.
With others, I've a technique
if I'm lost. It works!
I play fair with you.
If I'm lost, I tell you.
No point telling each other lies,
is there?
I agree!
I can unburden my fears
with more confidence.
Try not to use tongue-twisters
if possible.
I'll try.
What's your technique?
It's a secret thrust.
I can't say.
As you wish.
- Did I do right with Angharad?
- It's risky.
You admit you're clueless...
but it's honest.
Then you say, with her...
It has its charm.
- She didn't laugh at me.
- Everything's fine!
But then she said something,
I nearly swallowed my spoon!
What were you doing
with a spoon?
It's an expression.
Swallow your spoon.
Yes.
"Oh, I swallowed my spoon!"
I hope I don't seem cavalier.
- I've never seen you ride.
- What?
I've seen you in a carriage,
drawn by a horse
You can't judge.
You've seen me
trot up a few times.
You didn't find me cavalier.
Did you?
- You said that?
- She brought up horses!
Cavalier means insolent.
Impertinent.
You looked stupid.
No! That's the worst!
She had something to say.
She wasn't listening.
I know you don't like
to hurry things.
We meet regularly,
and you must admit...
To your credit...
- You're not pressing things.
- What should I be pressing?
I don't know.
Other, less courteous knights,
would have
pressed certain things.
- Understand?
- No.
I'm touched by your benevolence
believe me.
But...
may I remind you,
until we make a decision
about you and me...
I stay a servant.
Meaning?
Making our union official,
apart from the great joy
it would bring me,
would be a wonderful way
of extracting me from my position.
You're not wrong.
I hadn't a clue!
I couldn't tell her!
You mentioned honesty...
But if it makes me look
like a berk...
She wants to marry me
to stop being a maid?
Not only!
She wants to marry you
for many reasons.
It's a mystery to me,
but that's part of it.
What do I do?
Do as you like.
Have you no advice?
As a maid, I loathe her.
I say, marry her!
Listen, it's simple:
she isn't up to it.
People know.
They aren't stupid.
It could have been anyone.
She gets by, poor thing.
Don't get me wrong,
I like her.
You're not asleep?
Goody!
We can have a nice chat!
What were you saying?
I forget.
Let's talk
about something else.
I don't know if I'm pregnant.
- How can you tell?
- Sometimes, you can't.
You do the necessary?
You have to do something
special?
- With Arthur...
- I think so.
You think so?
It's easy to know.
In fact...
How do you know you're
doing what's needed?
We're naked and everything,
but what I mean is,
how can you be sure...?
How do you do it?
Do what? Make babies?
You must know that?
Sort of,
but I want to be sure
I haven't confused it
with something else.
It's hard to explain...
- Roughly!
- Even roughly.
Don't you do it?
- Sure!
- And you're not pregnant?
- We avoid it.
- Avoid it?
You can do that?
We mustn't be.
It would mean bastards.
It's up to you
to bear the heir.
Say what you do,
we'll say if it's right.
Be technical.
At least we can say...
Technical?
What goes on between
the hips and the knees.
I knew that's where
it went on!
My mother never told me
about it!
When I asked her at ,
she said,
" Find out for yourself!"
- You've only been with Arthur?
- Of course!
I'm a princess.
I didn't spend my adolescence
rolling in the hay!
You don't know
what you missed!
If you'd spent more time
in the hay
you'd know
what goes on between
the hips and the knees!
And there'd be an heir!
You have the heir
if you're so clever!
It's not our job.
If it's mine, at least tell me
how to do it!
It's not our place!
Who cares?
Tell me!
What would it cost you?
- It's revolting!
- Revolting?
- In what way?
- It's like dogs!
Dogs aren't revolting.
No, it's impossible!
- I can't do that.
- We do it. Everyone can!
But you were raised
in the countryside.
So we're yokels!
I don't understand.
Arthur's never tried
to do that with me.
Never, ever?
Sometimes he cuddles up a bit.
He always has cold feet.
He comes close
to warm himself up.
At least,
he warms his feet on me.
- Great.
- Yeah.
The line is assured.
What did you tell her?
Not once? If people knew!
Not a word! My title's on the line!
You deserve to lose it!
It's up to you.
Fancy going back to the farm?
You haven't tried even once?
I can't.
It's just...
It's physical, obviously.
I did try once, but...
I almost...
threw up.
That was that.
I can't. What more can I say?
Why didn't they
bring anything back?
- I'm not sure.
- Because they're useless.
Sending Percival and Caradoc
on missions is daft!
Don't say that.
What do I say instead?
I'm sick of this!
What happened?
- Nothing.
- As I understand it,
nothing happened.
They weren't att*cked,
didn't get lost,
had no particular trouble...
So?
They're morons!
They thought it was fishy,
suspected a trick
and left the gold there.
This isn't the night to hassle me!
- Don't get worked up.
- Worked up!
Come to nag me about the Grail?
We can talk about
something else.
Like what?
The Grail quest?
No one knows what it is.
Even the Gods disagree.
I lug around
a load of loonies.
Lancelot's the only sane one
and he's going!
- You're not giving up?
- It's too hard.
I've got an easy-peasy
quest for you.
Give it to some other dolt.
I'm giving notice!
You can't do that.
I don't care.
I'm fine here.
I'm wealthy, I'm comfy.
Why ruin my health
yomping around Europe.
- And Excalibur?
- You want it?
Here, have it back.
Give it to Percival.
His destiny outstrips mine.
Give him the Grail quest.
What a joke! The Grail's staying
wherever it is!
If you give up,
I'll be eradicated!
I'm your guide for the Grail quest.
If you give up
the quest, I'll disappear.
Trying to make me feel guilty
is really unfair!
It's true. I'll be punished
for letting you lose faith.
We're in the same boat.
- What's your mission?
- It's very simple.
Go and get the treasure
and come back.
Why make me do it?
Percival and Caradoc
went already.
Seeing no danger,
they thought it was a trap.
I know the story.
I'll take you there.
I thought no one was here?
Apart from him.
Percival and Caradoc
didn't see him?
- They ran away.
- From that?
They ran before they saw him.
- What did they see?
- Nothing. It worried them.
- I told you!
- I know. It's too stupid!
Where is it? I'm bored already.
- Straight ahead.
- And then?
You'll see!
- What do I do?
- What do you mean?
- You take the gold!
- There's no riddle?
Nothing.
A beginner could do it.
This sucks!
- Sorry, I won't take it.
- Why not?
You think I'm a kid,
giving me this?
I warned you.
You said it was easy,
but there's nothing to it.
That's right, nothing.
I'm sorry,
I'm off.
I find it humiliating!
Look at that!
You did a bad thing.
You don't abandon a mission
on the pretext...
Can't you see me?
Can't you hear me, either?
Why isn't it working?
That's really not clever!
I love autumn.
It makes me want
to recite poetry.
You won't, will you?
No.
I don't know any.
Sire!
What it is?
- I love these entrances!
- What?
Running up and everything!
It's so dramatic!
My dad wants to see you.
He does. He said so.
- I'm not going.
- It may be important.
He keeps shouting!
As usual! Do I have to have
apoplexy each time?
Shall I say you agree?
Agree to what?
Knocking down
the main gate.
The main gate?
Where is he?
At the main gate.
I've never known your name...
What do you mean,
"What is it"?
It's the gate. So?
There's no money
to buy catapults.
- So?
- A guy came to build a ballista.
- Where?
- Inside the castle.
It's taken weeks.
- Now he's finished...
- What?
Your gate's too low.
I can't get it out!
You're completely stupid!
Be so good as to smash
that thing so I can get it out.
You've gone mad!
Or raise it.
- By how much?
- feet.
feet?
We can't leave it
in the courtyard!
Is it my fault
it won't go through the gate?
I can't make it knee-high!
It's standard size.
So's the gate.
You can forget about wrecking it!
We can't fire it from inside.
- Some do.
- Their ballisters are more accurate.
Train them to sh**t over
the gate. Sort it out!
You're really not helpful.
Sorry. You know business...
- No.
- Where were we?
This was supposed
to be romantic.
I've , things going on!
It doesn't work to order!
We only do this
once every years.
If it doesn't work to order,
we've a problem!
Do we go on
or put it back years?
It's fine. We'll calm down,
take a deep breath...
Say something nice to me.
At least kiss me.
Sire!
- What now?
- This is wicked!
So?
My dad's started training
with the ministers.
Ministers, that sh**t
the balustrade.
Balustrade?
- The catapult?
- That's it.
- The ballisters?
- That's it.
The main gate!
Bloody hell!
Flavien? Is that it?
See where obstinacy gets you?
Don't push it!
- I hope you're fixing the gate.
- Yes.
It'll cost you a packet,
I'm warning you.
I'm paying, of course.
It's not my gate.
There.
Happy? It's like new.
Good.
I'm building an onager next.
You've delusions of grandeur.
I thought the ballista
was a bit faggoty.
Build it outside this time.
Hey, you! Stop! Wait!
How do you say,
"Hold it!" in Roman?
I've nothing against a wager,
but don't fleece my punters!
- You want a share of the profits?
- I wouldn't say no.
I've special customers
who provide me
with half my income.
Don't rip them off!
Anyone paying attention
stands a chance
in Pellet.
So does someone throwing
himself off a cliff.
Come on, don't be shy!
Not today, thanks.
A little one?
What could happen?
- I could get thrashed!
- With your training?
Are you kidding?
You know where the pellet is now.
Yesterday, I was sure
it was on the left.
You were sick.
It doesn't count.
I wasn't sick.
You were white as a sheet,
coughing up spit...
- Don't mention yesterday!
- Really?
Today,
you're in Olympic form!
I saw you, I thought,
don't play with him!
- He's got mole's eyes!
- Mole's eyes?
It means you're unbeatable!
It's your day!
Would you miss it?
If I've mole's eyes,
why play with me?
I'm awestruck.
I daren't say no.
I owe you a return game.
Just a little one.
I don't believe it!
I'd have said the same.
Pay attention.
With your abilities,
you shouldn't lose.
I'm staring at the pellet!
Your mind's not on
what you're doing.
You're thinking of your wife.
- My wife?
- I saw right away.
What did she say
this morning?
I don't know.
Before you came here?
It's pointless defending her.
"See you tonight.
Take care."
There you are. "Take care" .
Treating you like a kid!
Can't she see you're a big boy?
- It's true.
- I've always said so.
Bugging you the very day
you've mole's eyes!
- It's criminal!
- She's so dumb!
I'd be even but for her!
- Isn't that dumb?
- I always said so.
Now you know
what's holding you back,
kindly recover your cash!
If I cleaned you out
the day you've mole's eyes,
I'd never get over it!
Don't think of her
or you can't concentrate.
The pellet!
It won't escape me this time!
Now you've made me happy!
There's the champion I know!
If it's not for money, I'll play.
That one.
That was my master stroke!
It always starts well
and ends up badly.
You're going to slaughter me!
For no money again.
I'll do this for a little gold piece.
Yes.
That one.
We've got a champion here!
He won back one
of Caradoc's coins!
more,
you'll have got the lot!
gold pieces!
When do you win it all back?
I'm trying! I can't dupe him!
He sees everything!
Mole's eyes!
The next one's for pieces!
My lucky move!
That one.
It's not your day.
Well done!
Now we'll play something else.
I told you,
it always ends up badly.
We eat together,
then I go with your parents.
I see!
If it's like that, I'll come.
What was worrying you?
- I don't know how to say.
- Be frank.
Who asked your opinion?
I was worried about
eating alone
with your mother.
- Why?
- Need Sir ask?
Sir isn't asking you.
Don't take it badly
but your mother scares me.
- She scares everyone!
- Shut up!
It's a little bit true...
She even scares Sir.
Son-in-law,
pack some warm clothes.
Carmelide isn't like here!
I have been before.
Shame I have to stay here.
I'd have loved
a few days at home.
Go instead of me.
If we want your opinion...
Grandfather Goustan's
birthday
happens once a year.
You'll be there.
He always kicks me.
It shows he loves you.
All my youth, he hit me
with logs. He adored me.
All the same,
when Lady Ygerne leaves,
I'll be alone here.
With flunkeys,
regiments
and all the Knights
plus families!
And her mother-in-law.
Aren't you leaving, Mother?
My carriage has a split axle.
It would be dangerous to go.
It will be repaired
by tomorrow.
I'm staying.
I'll spend an evening
with my daughter-in-law.
- Girls together.
- You know,
if we whip the workers
and thr*aten
to burn them alive,
they'd soon be finished.
Wouldn't they?
I'm going to cry a bit.
Excuse me.
Do you have nightmares?
Not usually,
but after this evening,
I might well start.
I only have one.
It's always the same.
- Shall I tell you?
- Please do.
I haven't fainted
in a puddle of pee for ages!
I wake up in my room, worried.
I look around.
As my eyes get used
to the darkness,
I see the door is ajar.
Here comes the pee!
As I get up
to close it,
I realise that
someone's hurrying up
the stairs
to get to the door before me.
Do you mind if I slit my wrists?
I hurry towards the door.
On the other side
the steps get quicker.
The prowler and I
reach the door together...
- And I wake up.
- Fantastic!
- Can you stop now?
- Well...
Time for bed.
Of course!
A good night's sleep!
I'm sorry, my former lover
is coming to visit me.
Your lover?
Pendragon.
The one I'm thinking of?
- There's only one.
- The one who's dead?
He's coming...
Great. Should I prepare him
a little snack?
- He's here!
- That's wonderful!
Good evening, Father-in-law!
I'm so pleased to meet you!
Me too.
What's wrong with her?
I slash the prices,
you still complain!
I just don't want any slaves!
for .
Last offer!
- I don't want them!
- !
- You're cutting my throat!
- I will, in a minute!
Cod stinks, but it's tasty.
All right, beloved?
- You seem down.
- I'm fine.
You're all pasty.
You should eat more sugar.
Kids asleep?
- Yes.
- The baby!
He ate a slice of smoked
bacon earlier on!
He'll be a winner
if he carries on like that!
- He nearly choked.
- It's normal.
You learn to walk by falling.
I was always choking
on rabbit bones.
Never let a failure defeat you.
That's the secret.
Damn!
- What is it?
- I don't understand.
- I can't find it.
- Find what?
A lamb's head. I put it here!
Something's wrong
with my wife.
That's why I don't have one.
I'm too busy
to watch her diet.
- Maybe she fancies someone?
- No chance.
My wife's into prestige.
We met as kids. She loathed me
until I became a Knight.
Then it was plain sailing.
Sure it's that?
She can't stand peasants.
Her family's got dough.
She needs refinement.
Distinction.
When I say something,
you can tell I'm not a yokel.
I've got style.
Maybe it's a stylish guy
she fancies.
There are enough toffs here.
Some can even write.
- All right?
- Not disturbing you?
It depends.
What do you want?
Nothing. Just a chat.
- How are the dirges doing?
- Dirges?
All that Devotionis, Deus stuff?
Latin's very impressive!
Works well with the birds?
Chicks must fall at your feet!
We'd save time
if you said what you wanted.
My wife!
Stop sniffing around her!
And stop showing off!
We'll burn your papers!
I doodle in my books.
I'm cultivated.
I sharpen my own pens!
I see the horizon,
I think of life!
Nature is beautiful
by night!
Snow shimmering
in our lonely youth!
You have to stop!
Next time I'll truss you up
and throw you out to sea!
Next time what?
You sniff around
other men's wives!
I call my wife my own!
No, you call her...
You understood me!
Books are the best place
to keep bacon.
It dries clean and flat.
We had herbariums,
now we've baconariums.
Always adapting.
Don't tell me I'm not literary!
- Where's my bookmark?
- It's unhygienic.
I gave you some rind instead.
They're in order of maturity,
from freshest to gamiest.
Snow shimmering in our lonely youth.
What do you think?
I don't know.
I wrote it.
When it comes to nostalgia,
I'm the best.
Sorry, but I'm working.
Rejoice!
You can stop pottering about
and be useful.
Can't he?
Don't bring me into this!
Thanks, but I've no time.
Please leave
my private laboratory.
I can inform you if you don't
get busy immediately,
you'll get a slap in the face.
Won't he?
Possibly.
I don't want to get involved.
Don't do my head in
with your heir again!
The day you understand
how a monarchy works,
we'll ask your opinion.
In the meantime,
do as you're told and shut up!
I don't take orders from you!
I know the old routine.
" I take orders from him,
not her..."
I've a weighty argument
for you today.
If it's me you're referring to,
I'm not sure I like it.
A Knight!
As official as you get, dubbed,
Round Table, the whole works!
And so?
Well!
Take your orders from him.
That'll shut your trap.
- What do I order him to do?
- Make an effort!
Before you waste your breath,
in terms of hierarchy,
Druids come above Knights.
- What?
- Absolutely.
I take no pride from that...
- Is this true?
- I don't remember.
Are you kidding me?
I was dubbed ages ago!
The details escape me.
Druids are above us,
but depending on his grade,
he could be
under the orders of...
I don't know...
These things are
years old.
It's handed down orally...
It's a total mess.
I answer to the King,
not his underlings.
Do you answer to a slap?
That's another way of...
- Is that a thr*at?
- An ultimatum.
Either you make
a Fertility potion that works
better than your
usual bottles of piss,
or my husband here will happily
overstep the hierarchy
and give you
a smack in the teeth!
I'll do nothing. Get out!
What?
Do I smack him?
A Kingdom without an heir
is nothing.
It makes us look half-arsed.
You always stir things up!
So, who do I slap?
I'll wake you
when you're needed.
You're beginning
to get on my wick.
I don't give a toss about the heir!
I'm here to help you.
Start by shutting up!
- I'm dealing with the dopes.
- Hold on!
If I get down to it,
it'll turn nasty.
I'm not going to go on
thumping them because
they don't want
to do something.
All right. Go away!
- All you're good at is eating.
- You're right, time for a snack!
You oaf!
So, do we negotiate or argue?
- Argue!
- Negotiate.
Fertility potion, home made,
a guaranteed cr*cker.
gold pieces.
Done!
Fertility's not the problem.
If someone buys, I sell.
The King and Queen never touch!
Who looks stupid now!
When she realises, I'll sell her
my Aphrodite love potion for .
There are always
at least solutions to a problem.
Lancelot? What's up?
The guards think
troops are approaching.
Think?
They thought they saw torches
or leagues off,
but it was fleeting.
- So?
- I'll go up and look.
If it's nothing, I'll let you sleep.
All right.
- Wait!
- Sire?
Wouldn't it have been better
to look first
and wake me up afterwards?
- Yes.
- That's it.
What are you doing here?
Sorry.
The drawbridge chaps think
- troops are coming.
- Yes.
- What did Lancelot say?
- About what?
- The troops?
- I don't know.
- I haven't seen him.
- He went to the battlements
- to look for troops.
- I said, if you'd just listen,
that the drawbridge guys
came to see me.
Make an effort, you two!
Coordinate your information!
Lancelot runs the battlements,
I run the drawbridge.
Can't you talk to Lancelot?
Talking's your thing.
You're always chewing the fat.
They aren't private militias!
They're the same army,
flights apart!
Who climbs those stairs?
You?
You're pissing me off.
Go and see
Lancelot and ask
if troops are coming.
According to the drawbridge...
The battlements are higher.
They've a better view.
It's what they're for!
- I'll see to it.
- Good.
One thing.
Next time, wait till you're sure
we're under att*ck,
then wake me up.
I came to warn you
that if it's confirmed,
I'll have to wake you up.
Arms Master?
Why are you here?
In the castle,
or in the corridor?
I don't know. Here.
I arrived at the castle yesterday
for the tournament
and in the corridor
because the watchtower guard
is worried.
Really?
He thinks he can see troops
stealing towards
the East rampart.
And you've seen neither
Lancelot or Leodegan?
You mean, lately?
Why did the watchtower
guard warn you?
He's an old pupil of mine,
a youth full of goodwill
who's always shown
great motivation.
He knew I was here.
He never meant to
sidestep the hierarchy...
It's fine.
Let me explain something.
Kaamelott, surveillance-wise,
is straightforward.
There's a drawbridge
a path round the battlements,
a watch tower at each corner,
a sucker on the keep
and advance posts everywhere,
supposed to light fires
if they see anything.
Consult them all,
make an assessment
and if it's really worth it,
come and wake me up.
- All right?
- You're going back to bed?
I'm delighted to be of service,
but surveillance isn't my job!
The drawbridge see nothing.
We're safe.
The battlements advise
sending out scouts.
What do we do?
Good evening.
I went up to the watch tower.
I myself saw nothing.
What were you doing up there?
As I told our Sire, Arthur...
So, shall we go back to bed?
So, curate!
Feeling peckish?
Are you completely mad?
- I'm doing my job.
- Meaning?
Seeing no one comes
and steals grub at night.
- Are there leaks?
- Leaks?
Kaamelott's food bill
is enough to raise an army
and inv*de half the world.
Each time we lay in provisions
to welcome eminent people,
they vanish in the night.
The result?
The guests eat sandwiches
and I'm fed up!
It's not my fault!
Not entirely,
but you're obviously
an accessory to the crime.
Haven't you made a vow of...
- Whatnot?
- A vow of whatnot?
Don't play dumb.
Don't you vow to eat light?
That can happen,
but I didn't vow to die
of starvation.
This is just for survival!
Been on campaign in the snow?
Besieged in your room?
weeks pulling a cart
will teach you self-control!
All over a slice of...
The cupboards are shut!
Trot back to your room,
if you're still hungry
eat mosquitoes.
They're nourishing and free!
- Well, well!
- What's going on?
- We can't eat any more.
- Shut up!
Will you explain?
There's nothing to explain.
We're stocktaking.
Come back in a week.
She nearly cut my throat
for a bit of bread!
An Irish chieftain's
coming in days.
I've brought in game, vegetables
and everything we need
to be stylish.
If I don't put a stop to this,
he'll be eating
his sandal straps.
That's great!
Starve the residents
to feed Irish chieftains!
It's not so much feeding them
as not looking cheap.
We're getting a great reputation
amongst the world's leaders!
They leave convinced
the country's ravaged by famine!
You know, there's one person
we should be very wary of...
Our good King must be referring
to a certain Caradoc?
- For example.
- Our good King
should know that
wolf traps have been set
in between his room
and the central corridor.
He has been given several
verbal warnings.
Posted here since sundown,
I've yet to receive a visit from him,
proving that firmness...
Look! A familiar face!
- You're here!
- Yes.
And you too!
Looking for me?
No.
I came for a snack.
Without a quiver in his voice!
The impertinence!
He's unaware
of the latest measures.
That reminds me.
I came here
for a bit of sausage.
I'll say it for all to hear,
as in a Greek tragedy.
Try and get the gist.
Eating is forbidden
apart from at meal times!
Go and get stuffed!
What's going on?
Nothing. Don't go to pee.
There are wolf traps everywhere.
The bastard!
- He took everything!
- Sure it's him?
- Who else?
- You didn't see him?
He did it as soon as I told him.
Traitor! I'm coming
to kick your backside!
I'm waiting!
Mind the traps. I added some more!
I'm delighted to welcome you...
Don't start all that.
Don't start yourself!
What's wrong?
We're not delighted.
I said " I", not "we" .
You're not delighted.
You kept sighing about it!
There!
You have to be honest.
You're here because
you're unable to find
- any common ground.
- They squabble all day.
That's what I was saying.
Say it simply.
Forget common ground...
I'll speak as I want.
Let's hurry this up!
The challenge
will take all week!
Challenge?
What challenge?
- Bravo!
- It saves time.
Enough's enough!
He's ruined my life!
Thrown me out of my lab,
messed up my things...
Before I came, your lab looked
like a goat had been in it!
Everything was broken!
That's it!
The trial period's over!
Get rid of him!
No challenges!
I wasn't asking your opinion.
A challenge is the easiest way
of seeing who's best!
Of course, you always win!
In that case, so do I!
You also what?
I don't know. I'm cross.
It's the only way
to decide between you.
Challenges are all show!
He'll get out the full arsenal.
You'll be taken in!
Get your arsenal out!
We're watching!
I do telluric magic.
I'm in communion
with the elemental spirits!
I don't do conjuring tricks
for old dears!
You may have to
if you're fired!
A -minute challenge,
to help us find our feet!
That's one less to look for!
No, not the magic!
Stop!
Elias of Kelliwic'h!
Great Enchanter of the North,
scourge of the Snow Dragon,
- Deviser...
- Not the whole biography!
It's traditional.
Don't start.
Say what I've done this year.
What have you done?
Invented the
Deadly Breath spell.
You did that?
- Yes.
- What is it?
He breathes on you, you die.
- Pretty good.
- Merlin!
Enchanter of Britain,
Winchester Weasel slayer...
Say what I did this year, too.
You did nothing!
I perfected a potion
to make desalinating
cod fillets quicker!
Not good enough for Mr. Elias!
It has to be sensational for him!
Death and destruction!
Not making women's
work easier!
Women's work?
How out-dated!
- Is the challenge coming?
- Elias!
Can you tell me exactly
what I'm thinking of now?
A fruit tart.
A piece of fruit tart!
Made you look,
Made you stare,
Made you poop your...
Merlin!
Can you parry this?
That's one all.
We've made great progress.
You'll just have to get along.
Until the next challenge.
Don't you get it? I'm the best!
You're not the best, Mr Elias.
Confusing a tart with a piece
of tart
is nothing to brag about.
So, to sum up...
There's you, Knights...
Lancelot, Bors and Gawain.
Gawain,
not your father-in-law?
Gawain's not only family
but a novice knight.
It gives a young perspective...
Unless I take ?
A lot for a delegation.
Then, the army...
A master archer,
a master lancer
and I thought possibly,
just like that, a chief ballister.
Won't a ballister
without a catapult
look stupid?
It's true.
And then, Merlin...
sadly unavoidable,
you and that's all.
We need one or two peasants.
Peasants?
Sorry, it's representative.
Maybe, but it's bad for our image.
We're going to Rome
to meet the Emperor.
He's -and-a-half!
It's ridiculous!
You wish you were coming.
I've better things to do!
A delegation represents
its country on all levels:
political, m*llitary
and agrarian.
Rural.
- We need yokels.
- Say that to begin with!
You're taking those things?
Very classy!
- But we've a problem.
- What?
You have a tendency
to ronk around the rear.
- If you get my drift.
- Not really.
What are you " insiniating"?
I'm " insiniating"
you're not presentable
to the Roman emperor.
Why are you bothering for a kid?
I'm not spending a month
with them like that!
- That's different.
- It's important.
So you're coming to the castle
to make the acquaintance
of the bath room.
Bath room.
And you, all this stuff,
you're going to get rid of it.
Burn it, whatever.
I've got to go now.
Why's the drinking trough inside?
And upstairs!
They can't bring
the beasts upstairs!
These toffs!
Reading and writing
addles their brains!
- What do we do?
- I don't know.
You're there!
Look at you!
- What a difference!
- Good, isn't it?
I wouldn't say that,
but it's different.
Sire, do we need all this
to go to Rome?
That pile of crud
is your clothes?
- They're ours.
- I'll have them b*rned.
- You can't burn our clothes!
- I've had that shirt years!
Too long,
without ever taking it off!
Get in.
- Get in?
- Get in what?
What?
It's hot! They're crazy!
My nuts are stuck
to the bottom!
I won't boil in here!
I'm not an artichoke!
- He said to rub ourselves!
- I've nothing to rub!
I won't die like a crayfish
to please him!
What will he say?
"The two red guys
are my peasants?"
- We'll look stupid again!
- Give me that thing.
What for?
He said to rub ourselves with it.
What colour's the water now?
Still a bit black,
with a layer of grease.
I'll change it a th time,
then you can get out.
Do we re-soap ourselves?
We're sharing one bar.
- We need one each.
- I'll look for another.
We want the water to stay clear?
Forget it. You'll never do it!
These hicks annoy me!
They say they're revolting
then don't show up!
This is different.
They've found a leader.
A leader of men,
to raise them up against us!
- Who is it?
- A defender of the poor.
That's right.
I don't see the interest, but still...
Just a minute.
What the hell's going on?
- What?
- Silence, toff!
- Where's your master?
- Master?
He doesn't have one!
He's the King!
Excuse me.
- No harm done.
- It's not obvious!
His "effrigy's" on all the coins.
I haven't seen one for a while.
The money's
in the nobs' pockets!
- Revolt!
- Stop!
You're Justinian?
- You're not?
- No.
Address me properly
or I'll be upset.
He'll get mad!
Well, then...
But what's...
Who are you?
He's King Arthur!
Why make us look stupid?
Arthur?
Justinian's
the Byzantine emperor.
And this is?
Remind me...
- Britain.
- Britain?
Britain. Fine!
You share a border
with Byzantium!
Is this geography for dunces?
What are you doing here?
Justice has no frontiers.
Aristocrats the world over will bow
to the power of the people!
Revolt!
I'm not doing so badly!
Point us to your gold, matey!
Address me properly,
I'm warning you.
The strongroom, please.
The little people will grab back
what you've squeezed from them!
- " Little people"?
- Steady on!
We don't need you
calling us hicks!
You're going
to grab it back, though!
The taxes
are more than reasonable.
Reasonable?
It's "vampirisement" !
Revolt!
If I were you,
I'd point out the strongroom.
If I fire this thing, you've had it.
The arrow will go through you,
pierce the tub and hit
the guy downstairs in the arse!
How can he get it in the arse
from above?
He's looking for a mouse
under some furniture.
Or it's some lady fooling around
with some lord,
stuffing themselves with cakes
bought with your money!
Revolt!
Now, get out!
If I draw this,
there's no warning sh*t!
Big deal!
That's not a bow string.
- What?
- The string on your thing.
Pull it inches,
it'll snap in your face!
If I quickly changed the string,
and put on a much better one?
You don't have any arrows.
I'm dealing with a professional.
Revolt!
Leave him.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing serious.
Know what time it is,
you madman?
- I can't sleep.
- I can!
It's tomorrow's mission.
Yes,
it's hard to sleep
before a mission.
- Nervous?
- No, scared!
Don't worry. It'll be fine.
Just Caradoc and me,
with the living dead...
- I'm worried.
- What can I do?
I just thought...
If you got up now,
you'd still have time
to go with us!
- Can't you manage?
- One last time!
Can't you do anything without me?
You get mad when
we bring nothing back!
I didn't say I'd
always come with you!
One last time.
Show us the ropes!
I'm sick of doing it!
You never catch on!
I know they're not ropes
you tie with.
- Go on, Sire.
- No.
If you don't come, we'll die!
It's nice of you to come.
We make great progress
with you.
Before we went in single file
we didn't progress!
What?
Isn't that what you said?
What did I say?
"We progress in single file."
- We didn't know.
- We usually go side by side.
We never made progress!
" Progress" means "advance".
We never advance
because we're not
in single file.
It's like the tea-shop.
It doesn't mean
it's T-shaped!
You thought the same?
But I've seen one
that's L-shaped.
So it's tea, not T.
So we progress
one behind the other!
It's vital that
you come with us!
It's vital you learn
how to cope without me!
It'll come.
Don't be impatient!
See the progress we've made!
In what matter?
We have to progress
through matter?
That's wild!
Something else we didn't know!
Until today we walked
side by side,
now it's single file,
through matter!
It's a leap forward!
The same there!
A leap forward!
A few years ago
we'd have hopped!
Of course!
There's no shame.
We didn't know.
Now we know.
It's a metaphor.
What?
Isn't it?
Isn't a metaphor
a family in need
that's too proud
to accept help?
I forget.
It's one of the two.
What does metaphor
mean to you?
That you don't do what it says.
" Make a leap forward" ,
I don't hop.
"Send someone packing" ,
he doesn't grab his bags.
" Launch an att*ck" ,
I don't move.
- I wanted to ask...
- Me too.
The living dead...
That's a good one!
Are the living dead
either living or dead?
They're both at once.
I won't explain it today.
You've already made
a lot of progress.
It's really beautiful.
Even if you did it all,
we're making progress.
I know.
Were the living dead you k*lled
living or dead?
Living and dead.
I won't explain it today. Don't ask.
Grab the loot and let's go.
We'd rather watch you.
That way we learn the ropes!
I'm so sorry, Sire!
It doesn't matter. I was...
I was asleep.
I came to see the queen.
She's in Carmelide.
Can I help?
I've disturbed you
enough already.
- It was about flowers.
- Flowers?
It's not important.
I'll wait till she gets back.
Was it urgent or not?
It's no problem.
I'll be back in a minute.
Listen,
I'm sorry, I can't come.
What's up?
Something urgent.
The manuscript's due tomorrow.
I know...
I just can't.
- When do we do it?
- Another time.
When?
Who cares! Your writing
sessions drive me nuts!
I'm in a jam now!
I've no time!
Something's come up
needs fixing.
- It's crucial.
- Crucial?
Crucial.
This is wisteria.
It's pretty,
but your wife wants a change.
- I see.
- There are options.
Replace the wisteria
with something else...
A pity in my view...
Or leave it and grow
something else through it.
Absolutely.
I'm not sure
this really concerns you...
Everything here concerns me.
You've more important
matters to see to.
It's all important!
You can't just pull up wisteria!
Not when the plants
come from so far away.
We'll leave the wisteria
where it is.
The Queen mentioned changing it
for a plant with red flowers.
That's crap.
- I'm sorry?
- Crap.
She sees a red plant
at her cousin's,
rips everything up
and puts red everywhere.
She's starting to wind me up!
Don't say that!
She's trying...
It's not enough!
I need a wife with common sense!
I don't ask her to help
with strategies and alliances!
Surely she can do the flowers
on her own!
She's distracted...
It's not hard!
What's this place for?
I don't know.
Walking in.
Exactly.
Walking, with someone
you want to walk with.
To whom you want to say things,
beneath white flowers!
Not red!
Red is for declared passion!
The main path's bright red
from May to July.
This is for undeclared love.
We need white flowers.
Or yellow at a pinch.
We'll bring in jasmine.
Jasmine?
From China. Yellow.
Yellow?
Winter jasmine.
We'll have flowers
all year round.
Uncle!
- What is it?
- Look what I can do!
- What's that?
- I can wink!
I couldn't do it yesterday!
We'll continue this later.
Did I interrupt important business?
Would you put
red or yellow flowers here?
Red.
Wrong.
But, Uncle!
- Hey, Venec!
- What are you doing here?
At your table or in the inn?
- In the inn.
- At our table.
It's the only free table
and I'm meeting a guy.
I'm in a jam.
What's wrong?
It's tricky.
One of my guys
burgled the wrong house!
He brought back stuff
I can't use.
This guy's going
to shift it for me.
I'm telling you, but...
Aren't Knights supposed
to enforce the law?
- No.
- I don't think so.
I said, "The posh gaff
with cypress trees" .
He ended up leagues off course
outside some farm!
We can't criticise.
We're crap at directions.
All that right and left stuff...
- Don't wind me up!
- What did he steal?
He wasn't thrown!
He robbed the stable!
So I've bowls of goat's cheese
to get rid of!
I might be interested!
Really?
I won't be sniffy.
- I'll do a deal.
- Check the gear first!
Who?
Check the gear out first!
Take a discreet look.
The idiot!
It hasn't matured yet!
Who are these dopes you hire?
Can't he see it's too fresh!
You'll get me nicked!
You're lucky
I can't do it myself!
I wonder if we can't.
I'll take all .
They'll have got hot.
They're ruined,
but I'll attempt
the impossible.
I'll do you a price.
What?
You should leave now.
He's not a bad guy,
but it could get nasty.
This is vile!
- I'll go and get the rd one.
- Fine by me.
Put it down.
Wait for me here.
Why?
I have to check
my wife's still asleep.
She hates me storing
food in the bedroom.
If I turn up with
bowls of cheese,
she'll make a stink!
I'll be right back.
Watch the cheese!
- Who's there?
- It's me, Sire.
Is the bowl out there yours?
Don't worry, it's cheese.
That's cheese too?
We're hiding it
from Caradoc's wife.
It's hard to explain.
Don't bother.
Venec stole it from a farm,
but it's not mature.
I don't understand.
Caradoc says it's too fresh.
I'm sorry.
It's true.
I wanted to see...
Did you see the consistency?
What are you doing?
No, it was me.
- Entirely me.
- It had got hot anyway.
You don't play with food!
It's ruined.
No one will eat that.
- Not even you!
- No kidding, Caradoc.
Say goodbye to it.
Go on!
Get the King of Britain!
The traitor!
Don't play with food!
I'm out of a*mo!
There's some pâté
in my wife's bedroom!
Getting chilly again, isn't it?
I'm amazed it's so cold
in this season.
You don't even answer now.
Sorry. Yes, you're right.
It is cooler.
I'm going to bed.
You've minutes?
We can talk quietly for once!
About what?
Nothing special.
How are you?
Meaning?
In general.
Are you managing?
That depends what.
I must say,
with all your responsibilities,
I wonder how you do it.
It's not always
a barrel of laughs, but...
You're not the problem.
You're a leader,
you're immune to fatigue...
You're exceptional.
What bothers me,
quite frankly,
is your entourage.
Which entourage?
Those closest to you.
I wouldn't dare criticise!
That's not your style!
But if you're happy...
Go on. I'm interested.
Those closest to you
give you the least support.
Your in-laws,
although charming,
live off you entirely!
Charming? My in-laws?
Are you
sickening for something?
You won't get the support and...
encouragement
you need from them.
I gave up any hope
of that long ago.
Why not get a bit closer
to your roots?
Your own blood?
Carmelide's nice,
but not being hurtful,
they're a nation of peasants,
lost way up there
towards Hadrian's Wall.
Tintagel's quite different!
It's wonderful in this season.
I just thought!
It's the Winter Festival
in a week.
I knew your poxy festival
would come up again!
I won't set foot at it!
Don't be stubborn!
I'm not going!
You've no place here.
There's no place more fitting!
Watch out! Your double act's
becoming old hat!
This is a grievance session.
Anything outside government
business, we stop!
And you, Madam, go home.
Got it?
She can leave now.
I won't go.
I get it!
Too bad for you.
Spurning the riches
of your native land...
Do you take me for a prat?
No private stuff!
The riches of my native land!
- Do you hear me?
- Is Aunt Cryda one of them?
She's in the top Celtic b*tches!
She's suffered a lot.
We're stopping.
This is nonsense!
One second.
I've a message from
the elders of Tintagel
for the Kaamelott government.
Stuff the elders of...
That's enough!
We're listening.
The elders have decided that,
as of today,
Tintagel will pay no taxes
to the Kaamelott government,
unless the King of Britain
answers favourably
to their invitation
to the great Winter Festival.
Aren't you being a bit extreme?
I don't want to go.
You know what
this stupidity's costing us!
I don't want to go.
Tintagel refusing to pay
until further notice!
We can't send the army.
It's your mother!
I don't want to go.
Doesn't the country come before
family disputes?
Yes, but I don't want to go.
I can't believe
we're dressed as tramps!
We were spotted.
We're so unpopular,
it's best to lie low!
The hicks scare you?
Confronting the whole
village would be a problem.
I'd take them on
with one hand!
Say that louder!
- I'd take them on with...
- No, that's fine!
Bloody hell!
You love this incognito stuff!
We can't go up to the Saxons and ask,
"What's your plan of att*ck?"
I know already.
Just charge in!
I don't have to dress up
to learn that!
With decent spies
you wouldn't have to!
It starts there!
No. . Get our clothes back.
We can't!
Why not?
I hid them in the clearing.
We can't go back!
You're kidding me?
We were spotted!
It's over! We lost!
We go home,
and not together!
Why not together?
The Saxons are looking
for guys like us.
We go back separately
to confuse them.
I'll go first and use
the back door,
you come through the main gate.
- Our guards won't know me!
- They're not stupid!
Our guards?
- We're talking about ours?
- Don't exaggerate!
They locked me up last time!
They won't make the same
mistake twice.
It's a regrettable mistake!
I agree.
They recognised my clothes,
but not my face!
Rest assured, Sire,
Lancelot's working on
your release.
Stuff working on it!
Just let me out!
What's there to work on?
- I'll hurry him up.
- Can't you let me out?
I'd feel awkward.
Lancelot said,
"I'll deal with it."
So, what's he doing?
I'll run and get him.
About time!
I'm sorry, Sire.
I finally found Lancelot,
He's finishing some
urgent stuff.
Because me in the nick
comes after "stuff"?
- He won't take long!
- Get out of here!
Come back with Lancelot!
Unless he wants
to take my place,
he can put his "stuff" off
till tomorrow!
Sire!
Good news!
The Saxons are pulling back!
Great!
Can you let me out?
A few things to check
and you're free.
Like what?
A few security measures,
mostly to do with Excalibur.
Excalibur.
Before returning it,
we're checking you're you.
If it fell into a usurper's hands!
Have you gone completely nuts?
I'm in charge of security
during your absence.
I'm doing my duty.
How will you check it's me?
Several of Arthur's close
friends will observe you
and ask you questions,
their opinions will be collected
and compared,
pending a swift decision at
an extraordinary meeting.
Which I will, of course,
be chairing!
I must go.
You've all you need?
It has to be really quick!
You go up, sock the guard, get the key,
come back down, let me out,
lock the guard in here,
and throw away the key. OK?
Can you say it again?
No! Get moving!
I should have said it again!
It's nice we regulate our meals.
Not answering?
Not if I don't understand.
- Understand what?
- What you said.
It's nice we regulate our meals.
It doesn't mean anything.
- How do you say it?
- Say what?
We eat together regularly
despite your work.
Say that, then.
- " Regulate" doesn't mean that?
- No.
It's when I say things for you.
Say them for you, first,
then see about the rest.
Sire, I've a favour to ask.
I'm listening.
I'm asking because you explain well.
Really?
Don't laugh.
Things you explain to me
stick in here!
What can I explain?
It's not for me. I need to
explain to someone else.
I see!
If I understand,
I can "compose" it.
Convey it?
Convey it to the "otters" .
To the others.
That was tough!
Is that it?
No, but it was tough!
- Who needs explaining to?
- My grandmother.
I know what she wants to say,
but she can't "expire" it.
- Express it?
- Yes.
I thought of something.
Remember teaching me archery?
Yes, I remember.
It was clear.
I understood everything.
You understood everything?
It was simple!
Can you do it now?
I don't see why not.
When I taught you archery
it took all morning,
you broke strings,
stuck the bow in both our eyes
and sh*t a horse
behind us in the rump!
I lack technique,
but you explained it well!
I called you an idiot
and you drove me nuts!
You got slapped senseless!
Well explained?
I understood.
Like ordering half chickens.
What half chickens?
If you ordered half a chicken
in an inn,
the other half got wasted.
That...
You explained,
and I saw it wasn't a waste.
I forget how it works,
but it's not a waste.
- What do you want explained?
- It's not for me.
- I know. Tell me.
- It's my grandma.
She had sons.
My dad and my uncles.
She's dying.
She feels guilty.
She hadn't much time
for her kids,
but she did her best
and always loved them.
Blimey!
She has to explain like you,
all in order,
so they get it.
Is it easy?
Give me minutes.
There might be something
to do with night falling.
Night falling?
Night falling is inevitable,
like your grandma dying.
That night falls is obvious.
No need to say it, everyone knows.
Like your gran's love for her children.
See the...?
How bright are your uncles?
They're pretty stupid.
And your dad?
They won't get it?
It's hard discussing love
with morons.
What's wrong?
Sorry to wake you,
but it's urgent!
What's he doing here?
He heard me go by,
he keeps following me.
I can't get rid of him.
Go to bed!
I'm fed up with him!
He won't go to bed.
He never sleeps.
What's so urgent?
It's classified info.
We need to talk in private...
He won't understand.
Nothing at all?
What's my name?
Kaamelott?
You see?
Strategically speaking, it's clear.
The first line advances,
we lose men but form a front line.
So, what's wrong?
The first line are novices.
By chance, the young soldiers
are at the front.
Because the old soldiers
sent them there!
It's possible.
We'd be sending
kids to get butchered?
That's right.
I'm surprised you're bothered.
It isn't your style.
What's my style?
Blithely sending everyone
to the abattoir?
No, it's good.
I might say I prefer it!
Sometimes we have
to sacrifice youngsters.
Can we avoid it now?
We delay the att*ck,
set off in an hour
and reorganise the troops.
That's what we'll do.
Go to bed!
It's simple!
I asked you
to quote an order
given by a w*rlord
for us to analyse.
Just try
to remember something
said by the King
or Sir Lancelot...
"We have to
sacrifice youngsters."
What did you say?
The tall guy said it.
I don't understand.
That's what he calls Lancelot.
What did he say?
We have to
sacrifice youngsters.
They no longer want to fight!
. It's true.
. It shouldn't have left
this corridor!
Not all truth is good...
So, the young soldiers
won't fight?
Or leave the castle!
Your brother-in-law's
stirring them up!
Know what he's saying?
They're the government's
"skategoats" .
"Skategoats"?
The others understand.
They won't move!
Send experienced soldiers
while we settle it.
They won't move either.
What?
What's wrong with them?
In solidarity with the recruits,
they're supporting the movement.
"A nation that neglects its young
is a sick nation."
What do we do?
Issue a denial.
Say we never said it.
We'd never sacrifice
young soldiers
for strategic ends.
Let's hope it's enough.
What is it now?
Now the old soldiers won't fight.
Why not?
They say, why serve for years
if they can't send
youngsters in their place?
Send the youngsters then!
They won't fight!
Why not?
Solidarity with the old guys!
But why me?
I need something.
Will you do it?
If I mess up, don't yell at me.
Of course I'll yell at you!
I'd rather not, then.
You don't have a choice.
Go to Kaamelott
and get me something.
What thing?
A tribute to the enemy
in exchange for a truce.
We need a valuable object.
Not that valuable...
What do I do?
Go back to the castle,
go to the strongroom
with the password,
choose a precious object,
bring it back,
and I'll give it to the enemy.
Isn't everything there precious?
The password's awesome!
I thought they'd hit us!
That guy was so full of it!
Strutting about with his keys!
He took us for idiots.
"Access to the strongroom
is forbidden..."
He had it coming!
And Wham! A password!
Did you see his face?
He looked so dumb!
" I see...
" If you have the password..."
Those guards are loafers!
Lolling around all day.
One password
to learn each week,
the rest of the time,
asleep on a stool!
You can remember
a password, too.
You bet I can!
I'll ask Arthur.
Why couldn't I be a guard?
Time I went up in the world!
One moment...
I think knights
might be above guards.
I don't think so.
Aren't guards more....
I'm not sure.
If I sit around
on a chair all day
the King bawls me out.
- Guards get away with it!
- We'll ask.
Where's the thing
you have to take?
I'm not sure.
I have to choose.
How?
It has to be precious.
Not overly so,
but precious looking.
That's hard!
- It has to impress those dopes.
- Which dopes?
The Burgundians.
It seems they're real dopes.
- What impresses dopes?
- What?
How do we know?
We might get it wrong.
There's a technique.
A dope will be impressed
by whatever
doesn't impress us.
What?
What impresses you?
Precious things with gold
and jewels.
General bling!
Like me.
But we are top of the heap.
We know gold and rubies.
Burgundians are hicks.
Think like them.
They don't like bling?
What would they do with it?
Something they could use
is a nice chest.
They could put things in it!
A nice one, though.
Except Burgundians
are horsemen...
And a chest on a horse...
Lucky you're here.
We almost messed up!
A big bag
would be more practical.
A bag's impractical
with all the stuff on their saddles.
So, here!
A board to tie to the horse's tail!
They can put things on it.
It's great for carrying things!
To make things stay on,
we give them honey.
They stick things onto the board
and they stay put!
And it's tasteful!
Shall we go to bed?
You go. I'm coming.
You're not coming now?
Yes, I'm coming.
So, come on!
You go first! We're not joined
like a pair of cherries!
We never do anything together.
That's how we are.
I'll be up in hours.
Good evening.
I'm not disturbing you?
Not at all.
What were you doing?
Nothing, as you can see!
- Nothing.
- I'm relaxing.
Warming my feet before
hitting the sack.
- Don't take me for a goose.
- What?
I've seen you do that
but never understood.
I thought it odd.
- What's odd?
- Then I got it!
What's that lance?
It's a lance.
You keep lances in cloths?
I keep them in...
They have to go somewhere!
I suppose it helps you think?
Exactly.
I set things down, too,
and think in front of them
for an hour and a half.
I do as I like!
- What's it to you?
- The fact is,
I don't like it!
- Like what?
- The lance.
Don't you call it a " regia"?
"You" who?
You! The Romans!
I'm not a Roman!
That depends!
You prefer a lot of Roman
things to Celtic things.
Like what?
The food,
for a start.
The climate, the politics,
m*llitary strategy,
the sea, the mountains,
even the women!
That's all.
If only it was.
But that, unless I'm wrong,
is a " regia" .
When alone,
you get it out,
stand it up in front of you,
and put your head
in your hands.
I think
you're praying to Mars!
Praying to Mars?
Maybe. So what if I am?
Praying to a Roman god!
You're taking the piss!
May I remind you,
you're on a quest
in the name of the one God!
And he's Celtic, is he?
No,
the one God is...
unique.
And what are you?
Red hair, skin as white as whey?
Might you be Celtic?
My roots are.
So you divide your time
between both camps?
No, it's not that...
Religion's a mess!
Accept it.
Let me pray to who I want.
It won't stop me looking
for your bloody Grail!
I've nothing against redheads!
You prefer Romans.
They're not redheaded.
I like Mediterranean girls.
A redhead could do it for you!
Hop onto the earthly plane
and ask me to dinner!
It's blatant discrimination!
If I'm nice about redheads,
can I pray to Mars or not?
This is the same as usual.
A counterweight,
a system to go from
the sling to the sheath
and here, as usual,
the release lever.
It's revolutionary
in its characteristics,
but classic
in its conception.
All right.
How much will this joke cost?
A classic price:
an arm and a leg.
That's all.
I could go on,
but why bother.
We all know it's important
to equip ourselves quickly
and fully.
It's with machines like this
we'll distinguish ourselves
from our neighbours
and remain leaders
in the field of defence.
Defence?
I was about to say...
That's a siege w*apon.
Only if you besiege
someone with it!
We can always use it
if we're besieged,
to att*ck the enemy front line!
Sorry, but that's rubbish.
What?
Sieges are mayhem!
We'd never have time
to get that thing out!
I don't see why not.
We all know
what sieges are like.
Between pushing guys
off the battlements
and dodging arrows
in the bum,
we can't use that!
How many men does it need?
A chief ballister
and servants.
Twelve?
Are you mad?
It's not a slingshot.
A thing that powerful
takes coordination.
How many do you want made?
I suggest to begin with.
You're crazy!
men immobilised,
plus ballisters!
That's a ballister's job!
He's glued to his machine.
With scorpions they command
several units at once.
With that thing,
they're on one machine.
And what's the rate of fire?
We haven't mentioned that.
It can't be pretty.
It's quite presentable.
So?
One sh*t every hours.
Every hours?
It's not like a crossbow!
You'd have guys lobbing
barely pebbles an hour?
pebbles?
It fires lb blocks of stone
cubits!
Call that pebbles!
If it takes hours to load
you wouldn't want to miss!
Aiming these things
can be a problem.
You need or test sh*ts
to get the right setting.
hours...
to get it lined up,
then the fun begins.
By which time the enemy
line's moved!
You're being unfair!
Ballistae always need lining up!
The targets move!
We're not idiots!
It's a w*apon
for besieging other people,
not for our own defence!
It's an indispensable w*apon.
I'm standing by it.
And it's beautiful.
Beautiful?
It's a fine engine.
You can't say it isn't.
is too many.
or , to begin with...
I've already ordered .
We can't go back on it.
I thought we'd have
before the end of winter,
but we needn't have as many.
There are on the way?
You're a nutter!
We're not besieging anyone!
It's a good time to start!
You've heard a lot
of pompous words,
such as nobility,
chivalry, dignity, courage...
Just remember,
these aren't just ceremonial terms.
Dignity, for example,
can be very tangible.
Nobility
is very definite.
Chivalry,
a word you often hear
bandied about.
What does...
It's a question!
Don't write down the questions!
What does chivalry mean to you?
Yvain?
Is shivery when
you're feeling cold?
If there's a Lady to save
and it's chilly,
you still do it, taking off
your woollies first
to show you don't mind the cold!
Uncle!
Another example!
Say you come across a peasant
and want to ask directions.
you don't say, "Peasant!
"show me the way
"or I'll run you through!"
but rather,
"Good man,
" be of stout heart,
" be ever worthy,
"strike a comely pose.
" Does the castle lie this way?"
Hold it a moment.
Chivalry's an art.
"Well-placed nobility
- " Is always..."
-"A sign of spring."
" Is always a welcome guest."
I said "Stop!"
I'll try and define chivalry.
It's not easy.
It's a complex notion.
Particularly for you.
I'll simplify. It's no picnic.
Chivalry,
above all, is abnegation.
That's really generous!
Have you gone nuts?
We're expressing our joy!
It's great news!
- What is?
- No.
- The Ball of Nations.
- What?
The Ball of Nations!
Wasn't that what you said?
"Abnegation" .
- Isn't that a ball?
- Shame.
Will you shut up
for seconds?
We're getting nowhere.
Forgive us, Uncle.
Abnegation
is one of a Knight's
great qualities,
allowing them to think of others
before themselves.
Knights only ever act
in the interests
of those in greatest need.
They have a great
propensity for empathy.
They can put themselves
in another's place
and share their suffering.
They never fight for a concept,
out of habit
or even out of zeal.
They fight against the cause
of a shared suffering.
That's why they're incorruptible.
- Six!
- Pardon?
Just in that speech,
words I don't know!
Incorruptible means
they can't be corrupted.
Except "corrupted"...
It's someone
you can't suborn.
That doesn't work either.
I'm sorry, I can't explain
what chivalry means.
Our vocabulary's rather restricted.
You're OK. I'm not even sure
what vocabulary means.
Put simply, whatever your doubts,
always fight for the oppressed.
- Oppressed?
- Tricky.
If guys are b*ating up guy,
fight for the guy on his own.
Really?
My father says something similar:
Whatever your doubts,
always fight for the guy with money!
Why do you let your husband
flaunt his mistresses?
He does as he pleases with them.
I'll never come to terms
with polygamy.
It's not in your culture.
Or your father's, either.
But seeing Arthur strutting around
with his birds,
it might become so!
- What are you thinking about?
- Nothing.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Relaxed?
More or less.
- Make an effort.
- What kind of effort?
Take pleasure in being
with your lover.
Good day, Sire.
Excuse me.
Good day.
Why did you drop my hand?
So she could pass.
You dropped it before that!
Dropped it...
Why did she have to walk
in between us?
- Don't get mad.
- Why did she have to turn up?
I'm never alone with you!
You won't be again
if it's like this!
It was funny
seeing you the other day.
How long's it been?
years?
Near as dammit.
Someone said
they made you Dux something
when you left army camp in Rome.
Dux Bellorum.
What does that mean?
The guy couldn't tell me.
Commander of Battles!
Are you still that?
I'm the boss!
King of the heap!
You might find out about
the places you go!
You mean,
you're Arthur of Britain?
Of course I am!
You don't say!
Why Arthur?
Arturus was just for Rome.
My name's always been Arthur.
I'm sorry, but I won't
bring in the bacon drinking wine.
Divination's a pain.
Hustling wears you out!
That's sort of why I came.
Is there any truth in your augurs?
No, it's all hogwash.
Why? Got problems?
Just the usual.
I'm not going to fleece you.
Is it about money?
Women?
Yes. It's a bit complicated.
It always has been for you.
You always had girl trouble.
This is a bit special.
Don't touch the knight's wife,
Arthur.
The Gods will be affronted!
What?
- "What" what?
- What did you just say?
You always had girl trouble.
Did I offend you?
I don't mean us.
We were just...
I don't blame you for anything.
Less tense this time?
- I wasn't tense last time.
- Not much!
- I wasn't tense!
- All right, you weren't!
But I am now!
He always says we're broke.
He does the accounts.
We're too busy to check
the books.
It's his business.
We have to trust him.
Why's it his business?
Why do priests
keep the accounts?
It's true,
it's a fairly new idea.
The Druids didn't know
or care about money.
Christians love it.
They're good at it.
I'll soon see.
I can count, too!
And I'm a Christian.
Albeit a recent one.
- So?
- So what?
Where do you see no money?
- In my books.
- Stuff your books!
- Don't get irate...
- Why not?
We may not be the smartest,
but battles - we win,
missions - we've
accomplished or ,
and cash -
we bring it in!
But my books still...
Stuff your books!
Look in front you
and tell me we're broke!
We're broke.
Don't get wound up!
We're not recounting it now.
- It's all in my books.
- What if you're wrong?
Could that be
remotely possible?
Mistakes can happen.
We should check.
By hand? Count me out!
Before checking, see what's
underneath your nose!
I've been in strong rooms in Rome.
We've nothing to be
ashamed about.
You can't judge a kingdom's
fortune at a glance!
This is without counting
the cash from the allies
and the federated dukedoms!
We've money in Orcania, Vannes,
Aquitaine, Ireland, Carmelide...
- Watch it!
- Watch what?
- Go easy...
- Hasn't it sunk in yet
that your cash
is the kingdom's?
It's hard.
Don't spring it on me
when we're talking
about something else.
- We're talking money.
- Not mine!
At first glance,
we've less to worry about
than you suggest.
Isn't that lovely.
No kidding!
And that! I don't know what it is.
A watering can in solid gold.
You could found
a barony on that alone!
Except, that's mine.
- What?
- I inherited it from an uncle.
I put it there
when we had a visitor.
The place looked shoddy and bare!
I put some of my stuff in.
I don't think it's real gold.
- You left it there?
- It's fine there.
It's safe.
Something else, then!
Those chests...
That's money?
I'm not crazy?
Coins fill a space,
but they don't amount to much.
You're having me on!
I heaped them in there
to give them bulk.
When you pile them up
it doesn't give
the same impression.
If we have to count it,
let's count it!
Or get some servants busy on it.
The servants can count now?
Forget it.
We'll worry
when the chests are empty.
The books say
there's nothing to build
your towers with.
- You're joking!
- No.
I don't trust your books.
You'll have to count it, then.
I'll do it.
- That's mine.
- Are you sure?
How much do we have?
I'll have to look in my books.
- Approximately...
- I can't tell you.
Just give us an idea?
I could be wrong.
Tell us roughly...
Roughly, I'd say...
I'll have to look.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Get a move on!
- What are you up to?
- Ignore us.
Can't you clear off?
We're studying you.
Study the number
of toes you have!
Ten!
Except one got cut off.
No, wait...
Get out!
- Why can't we watch you?
- I want some peace.
I don't get much!
We'll keep still!
What do you want to see?
He said, "Come and look!"
There's nothing to see!
You know we're interested
in techniques.
You're not going,
so sit down and shut up.
- What now?
- That was cool!
I hadn't finished.
- Sorry.
- You'd gone stiff...
All right.
You've seen it all.
Bug someone else!
What are you doing?
I don't want to discuss it!
I want to practise
then go to bed!
Are you tired already?
Are you working too hard?
Really, Sire.
Explain quickly!
There's nothing to explain.
It's a kind of meditation
using movements...
used in fighting...
I don't want to chat now.
Come here
stand in front of me,
and copy me.
Shut up, do as I do and keep quiet!
What are you doing?
Copying you!
You stood with your eyes shut.
If you keep them shut,
you'll find it hard to see me.
- What do we do?
- Stop?
- Who?
- All of us.
- Do something else.
- I've had enough!
Enough! Get out!
We'll keep our eyes open.
We'll copy you,
apart from the eyes. OK?
I shut my eyes
for the exercise
and to blot out your faces.
As for you,
as long as you
don't make a sound,
you can do as you like.
No, I can't do it.
I can't concentrate.
For the last time, get out!
We're copying you!
I didn't turn around!
- We're facing the door like you.
- We can't see.
It's not nice, Sire!
You're going to get out of here!
No, wait!
It's not finished!
Wait!
Sorry.
It was too quick to do quietly!
- Are you pissed off?
- No.
You look as if you are.
Yes, but I'm not.
Seriously, you're pissed off.
I soon will be at any rate!
You're being a pain!
- Sorry. I thought you were...
- It's all right!
Let's have a kiss and cuddle.
- A Roman kiss!
- One of those!
Don't we know
each other well enough?
You said a kiss and cuddle.
- The kiss comes first!
- All right.
- You don't know that?
- No.
I didn't either before
I met the King.
He grew up in Rome.
They all do it there.
- All do what?
- Roman kiss.
What's so special about it?
It's like a normal kiss
with a bit extra.
- Extra?
- It's a bit embarrassing.
I'm just curious.
Your husband might know.
He'd have done it if he did.
When you kiss, you stick
your tongue in the guy's mouth.
- Really?
- And he does the same back.
It doesn't sound very pleasant.
I was the same to begin with,
but you soon get hooked on it.
The other person has to have
good oral hygiene.
My husband's mouth is spotless.
It's the tool of his trade.
Try it.
You'll see if you like it.
- That's foul.
- They all do it in Rome.
- They're foul in Rome.
- Everyone says it's nice.
Don't be taken in
by ridiculous fads!
They're always inventing
new rubbish!
How can trying hurt us?
We could throw up.
Why bother?
Just to please me.
I'm not licking your tonsils for that!
- What's the point?
- To see!
There's nothing to see.
I'll give of myself
for ordinary sh*t
because we have to have kids.
That's all.
Ask anything, but not that.
Pass me some bread.
There you are!
A healthy activity!
- Good day, Sire.
- Good day.
Sire!
Can you spare me a minute?
Go ahead.
- Sorry to bother you...
- Not at all!
- It's a bit delicate.
- Really?
- I'm not sure I dare...
- I'll never guess if you don't.
Forget it. I'm sorry.
Go on.
I won't eat you!
I'm sorry, I feel unwell.
I must lie down.
Do that later.
Tell me what you want!
I wondered...
if you could...
stop Sir Percival playing
the drum at night.
I can't get the children to sleep.
It's not my thing.
It's not the same.
The same as what?
As the way it was explained to me.
Can we forget about it now?
It was great last time.
When?
When it was explained to me!
I suspect the peasants
are cooking up trouble.
- It's like them.
- It's possible.
But before it hits us,
what can we do?
It's only a supposition.
- You know what I think?
- Yes. Thank you.
- Any other ideas?
- Send a spy.
A spy, Uncle!
- How exciting!
- Do you want to go?
No.
To stop us all looking silly,
anyone not volunteering,
raise your hand.
What? I'm sorry,
I wasn't listening.
Who is it?
Sir Hervé? What's wrong?
You've got a nerve!
Coming in without knocking?
Are you cooking up trouble?
- What?
- Are you cooking up trouble?
What sort of trouble?
- No?
- No what?
Thanks.
They're aren't cooking up trouble.
That's good news.
- Sure?
- I went to several houses.
- They said the same thing.
- What?
They're not cooking up trouble.
- I don't get it.
- Neither do I.
- They're not talking baloney?
- Baloney wasn't mentioned.
I entered their dwellings
in a "subrogatious" way.
- What?
- Surreptitious?
" Flauntingly" .
- " Flauntingly"?
- Furtively.
- You're good!
- I've had practise.
So we needn't worry?
By flauntingly entering
in a subrogatious way,
I gave them no time to think.
I'd have seen if
they were cooking up trouble.
I came to warn you
before it's too late.
Warn me of what?
We get all kinds of knights.
We're used to them now.
We don't always understand them
but we get on OK.
There are nutcases in
all walks of life!
Look at the peasants!
I won't deny it!
We've some fine examples.
- There's no shame in it.
- So?
The guy you sent us,
I've never seen the like,
and I've seen them all,
from congenital loony
to rural degenerate!
I've seen the lot.
We didn't get a thing
he said or did. That's rare!
He was on a special mission.
He told us.
Subrogatious?
That's it.
Subrogatious and flaunting!
Don't support him!
I spend my life
supporting the castle cretins!
I wanted to say,
the countryside's too hostile
for a guy like that.
One day a farmer will
stick a fork in his head.
That's why I came to see you.
- You're too kind.
- Ask him.
We've a question for you...
Are you cooking something up?
What?
One was cooking stuffed cabbage.
- So?
- Is that trouble?
- Stuffed cabbage?
- I couldn't say.
It's fine, Hervé.
Mission accomplished.
Yes, sir!
Go and rest. You deserve it.
I once ate stuffed cabbage...
It sure gave me trouble!
Caradoc!
What's got into you?
Why are you yelling?
The ghosts want to k*ll me!
Ghosts? Where?
Hidden in the corners!
It wasn't a bad dream?
I wasn't asleep!
What were you doing
in the dark?
Yelling!
Won't you stay a minute?
It's am. If you don't mind,
I'll go back to bed.
- What if they come back?
- It's fine.
With candles,
they won't come back.
I'm alone against them!
Where's your wife?
She's at her parents'
with the kids.
Don't go!
They'll k*ll me!
Who? The ghosts?
The dead want revenge!
They know my wife's away!
If they want revenge,
your wife would hardly be
a major problem!
You have to stay!
Till I'm asleep!
I'm not staying all night!
I drop off quickly.
I'm done in!
Count to ,
I'll be snoring like a pig.
Two minutes.
Not a minute longer!
If you're not asleep then, I'm off.
No, that's not on...
Move over...
- Remind me...
- The ghosts.
- I was yelling.
- All right now?
- Can I go to bed?
- I'm not asleep!
Come off it!
It's almost day!
The vengeful ghosts!
Don't pretend not to understand.
What are they avenging?
It's those k*lled in battle
coming back!
Did you k*ll anyone in battle?
Maybe.
I don't know.
That's what worries me.
If you'd k*lled an enemy soldier
you'd remember.
He was one of ours.
What?
- I took one of those things...
- What things?
Like a big crossbow with wheels.
- A scorpion.
- No, a w*apon.
- Yes, a scorpion.
- Isn't a scorpion a...
It's also a w*apon, get on with it!
I sh*t a lancer in front of me
in the bum.
He ran off, screaming!
He was never found!
Maybe he's seeking vengeance!
You don't die from an arrow there.
Maybe he's alive
but his grandpa's ghost
is seeking vengeance!
Why, if he's not dead?
An arrow in the arse is humiliating.
I've had so far.
It's annoying!
?
It seems I leave my post.
Don't foot soldiers go
in front of the archers?
feet in front.
feet?
I never measured it.
You should have.
Or it's the other guy's ghost.
- Know who I mean?
- Not really.
We were knocking down a door,
in Ireland,
with a battering thing.
- A ram.
- No, to knock down doors.
- A battering ram.
- Isn't a ram a...
It's a w*apon.
I dropped it on his foot.
He swore at me...
He's not dead, but his grandpa's
come back to haunt me!
Lady Mevanwi?
- Feeling peckish?
- Yes.
Doesn't your husband
keep a well-stocked larder?
Yes, but...
There's no fruit.
- Tuck in!
- I don't want to disturb you.
I'd be delighted.
Unless I'm disturbing you?
Maybe you've a tryst
with a lover?
Everyone's hungry tonight!
- No, I can't.
- OK.
I can't do it!
I understand. No problem.
All right.
No, I can't do it.
I can't.
You're not cross?
I'm great!
Go easy on the fruit.
It'll ruin your stomach.
Is something wrong?
I'm just out of sorts.
It's the fruit!
Stop eating it.
I don't want a depressive wife.
Happiness!
Happiness goes with ham.
There's only one recipe
for pleasure!
Where are you going?
If it's to get a pear,
you're stupid!
- No, some sausage.
- I've got some here!
There's one I prefer downstairs!
The one hanging over the pans?
That one isn't dry!
Are you crazy?
I have to talk to you.
If my wife wakes up...
Say it's me.
If she asks why you're here?
I'm worried about a friend.
- Which friend?
- You don't know her.
- I'm listening.
- It's a Knight's wife.
- I know them all.
- Don't interrupt!
I know all the Knight's wives.
Except Bors'.
It's not her?
This friend
is in love with another Knight.
- Who is it?
- I'm not going to tell you.
Is it Bors' wife?
We agree that
if anyone found out,
the husband and the lover
would have to fight a duel?
That's the law.
- Are you sure?
- Sure.
Of course I am.
It's an old law.
It's from way before my time.
So, Knights can have
any number of mistresses...
But not a Knights' wife.
Or there's a duel to the death.
The paradox being,
that it's other Knights' wives
Knights are most likely to meet.
Precisely.
- It lays itself open.
- What can I do?
I'm coming to that.
To win the heart of a Knight's wife
without k*lling the husband,
you just have to change the law!
Are we talking about us
or your friend now?
Repeal this and my friend
could show her love without fear.
I've thought about it. I can't.
- Why not?
- I've repealed lots of laws.
t*rture, capital punishment,
sl*very...
I can't repeal everything at once.
Not even a little tiny one?
Are you asleep?
- Yes.
- I don't know how you do it.
I'm tired.
So am I.
But I'm worried.
I said sleeping in the forest
could be disturbing.
All right, I'm disturbed.
Don't think about it.
There are too many animals.
They growl and hiss
and scratch...
You wanted to experience
sleeping under canvas!
Sleeping under canvas...
I wanted to know
what it was like for you.
I'm taking a normal
interest in your life.
Too right!
After years marriage!
The opportunity arose...
You call days of solid nagging
an opportunity?
You'd never think of it.
Bringing you on campaign?
No, I wouldn't.
You never think about me.
You've carried on today
as if I wasn't here.
So I cancel the att*ck
and take you mushrooming?
Or something else.
Anything.
I'm on campaign,
not organising a country ramble!
Yes, you're on campaign,
you're busy...
I understand.
You could make an effort, that's all.
Get your priorities right.
What else can I do?
Do I repel Germans
or take a stroll with you?
As choices go, it's easy!
Let me join in the manoeuvres!
Join in?
This gets better and better!
All I want to do
is share your interests,
just for a day or two!
Look around, can't you?
Try and see what's happening?
This is w*r! I've no time
for embroidery workshops!
If you were into embroidery
we'd have a little bit
of common ground.
But you're into w*r!
It's not my thing, so what!
I try and show an interest in it.
- I adapt.
- Do you need to?
Do I?
You're into embroidery, I'm not.
That's fine!
We don't have to
share everything!
We should share something!
You could easily give me
a little job to do,
so I can learn.
What job can I give you?
The guys here have a trade.
My army's shambolic enough
without you joining in!
You mean, the men sharpening
bits of wood
are doing a job?
Even I could do that!
The guys making arrows?
A badly made arrow
won't fly straight.
Those guys
do a vital job that takes
years of practise.
I could have joined in.
A few arrows
would have gone off course...
Would it have been that bad?
I'm sorry I screamed.
It doesn't matter.
The Germans will have spotted us.
They'll be here soon.
I'm so embarrassed.
No, it's a good experience.
When they att*ck the camp,
they'll be glad to find a woman.
With your love of hobbies...
I'll finally see what it's like.
You may discover a new interest!
I don't get it.
You're not a novice.
I like hearing you explain things.
What will the others say?
You're an accomplished Knight.
It'll be odd,
you taking a lesson.
It proves my ubiquity.
- What?
- Isn't it ubiquity?
- Humility?
- Isn't that to do with leaks?
So...
Our Arms Master
being indisposed,
I'm teaching today.
Aren't we lucky?
Sir Percival...
The King himself!
Try not to keep butting in.
I'm here because it's you.
The other guy's boring.
Thanks for the compliment,
but I'd like to get on.
We like it when it's you, Uncle.
- It's less formal.
- More natural.
The Arms Master's stiff.
Like he's a lance up his...
Thank you!
Today's subject is the catapult.
No, "Ahs" .
Everyone listen.
This is really good!
It's awesome!
- Why the applause?
- It's really well made.
I couldn't do that.
What?
I didn't make it!
Who did?
I don't know. Who cares?
He's no arsehole!
Will you kindly shut up?
Excuse me.
Go on.
Thanks very much.
This is a catapult.
The difference between this
and other throwing weapons
is that this has wheels,
which makes it a...?
w*apon on wheels!
I said that too loud.
On wheels.
Mobile.
Mobile wheels?
Can we conclude
that the catapult
isn't a fixed wheel
throwing w*apon?
It's like ponies
compared to horses.
I'm not sure about that.
It's where
"wheel and deal" comes from.
The guy can chuck rocks,
like a catapult,
while advancing
in a mobile fashion.
The next person to speak
will be sent to the galleys
for years.
The catapult is one of the most
reputed investment weapons.
Too bad if you don't know
what it means.
It can fire several sorts
of projectiles:
darts, stones...
Up to lbs in weight.
Let's hear your questions.
You can speak,
but mind what you say.
Yvain?
Can you use one
to set off a pigeon?
Isn't a lb stone this big?
More or less.
A little thing like that
can throw a stone this big?
- This is a replica.
- A replica?
Didn't you say it was a catapult?
- Did we get the time wrong?
- I don't think so.
Father Blase will come soon.
Know what he wants?
He didn't tell you?
Maybe he wants to talk about...
About?
A problem with...
- I don't know.
- I've no idea.
We'd best wait till he comes.
That's the easiest.
Sorry I'm late, it's total panic.
- Never be a w*rlord!
- Sorry?
Your job's scribbling.
You say, " It's total panic" .
- Never be a w*rlord!
- Making digs already?
- It's a remark, not a dig.
- Thank you.
I sent for you because...
I asked you to come...
because I'm worried.
Never be a w*rlord!
My job -
"scribbling" apart,
is gathering opinions
and assessing everyone's
fears and concerns.
Hence the panic.
Will you give me a break?
We'll see.
People are worried
that you've fallen out.
- Who?
- You two.
Have they nothing better to do?
Many think
the Kingdom's stability
rests largely on your friendship.
Therefore, if you fall out,
it will all collapse.
We don't need to tell
the people everything.
What do you
want to do about it?
I thought I could act as mediator
at a quiet discussion
between you both
and maybe review
certain things
with a view to improving
your relationship
- if not a reconciliation.
- You're confident!
We're big enough to talk
on our own.
We don't need you!
- What's the harm in trying?
- Trying what?
To air your grievances calmly!
Grievances wind people up.
If we air them,
we won't be calm.
We don't need a mediator for a fight!
That's a good start!
Go into more detail.
I'd criticise him
for being too inflexible.
- You mean, physically?
- Exactly. Physically.
I hate guys who
can't touch their toes.
What do you mean, " inflexible"?
You always have to be...
You're inflexible.
You're too flexible.
Say " I think" rather than...
- I think you're too flexible.
- I think you're pretentious.
- What?
- Sire...
It's fine.
Your purity,
your noble heart,
your devotion...
The impure
are worthless to you...
The Grail quest is for the elite.
Dump the jerks
or we'll get nowhere.
Who are they?
Have you made a list?
Good idea!
Let's list all the jerks!
I can do some "scribbling" .
So, in the end,
it's everyone except us three.
- I said you.
- What?
I said " Father Blase" .
So, I'm in the list of jerks?
Yes.
What do we do with the list now?
The list?
You can stuff it! And your purity!
Before that,
I'll add you, then it's complete!
Arthur the Boar of Cornwall!
We've made good progress today.
Let's try to stay on a positive note.
Why are you here?
Aren't you on a mission?
Sir Percival's giving his report.
His report?
He's completed his mission?
Successfully, I imagine?
- Exactly.
- Exactly?
You found the Ether Medallion?
I found the magician,
I solved the riddle
he gave me,
he congratulated me
and gave me this.
What was the riddle?
"What walks on legs morning,
" noon and night?"
- And?
- I said a fox.
Why a fox?
It could be anything.
He said a fox was fine.
You're the perfect couple!
- How was his magic?
- Not brilliant.
I asked him to do some.
It went wrong.
He b*rned his thigh.
And you brought back
the Ether Medallion?
Percival,
I congratulate you.
Your act of bravery,
although not much
to write home about,
honours the court of Kaamelott
and brings us one step closer
to the light of the Grail.
Do you mean me?
Sire, are you asleep?
What is it now?
What do we do with the medallion?
Did the magician
tell you how to use it?
I've forgotten.
You know what it's for?
No, I was lost in the riddle.
We'll ask Merlin,
in case he knows what it is.
He won't, so we'll
put it in the strongroom
with our treasures.
Awesome!
Something of mine
in the strongroom!
How cool is that?
Remember what you're told
about things like that.
They can be powerful!
I'll pay attention.
Go to sleep now.
- Sire?
- What?
Will you come to
the strongroom with me?
If you want.
Afraid you'll get lost?
I want you to see me
put the medallion
with the other things.
Then you'll be proud.
I'm proud already.
But I'll come.
Too cool!
Did you see?
I nearly fell over!
Great.
Put your thing down.
Where?
Anywhere.
That chest has a magic lock.
Dagonet put it there.
I never know who he is.
You're kidding me?
I get them mixed up.
He's short?
- No.
- Big moustache, cross-eyed?
Small, gammy leg
and buck teeth?
He always has
a gorgeous girl with him
and turkey fillets
wrapped in lettuce?
I know.
Will you find a place
for your medallion?
- Are you proud?
- Yes! Hurry up, I'm freezing!
By Dagonet's chest,
even if I don't like him.
You don't like him?
If it's who I think,
he's really weird.
- I don't believe it!
- How did they get past the guards?
- How do I know?
- We've been cleaned out!
- They left my medallion.
- I'd like to know why!
- Too much to carry?
- Please!
I remember what this thing's for!
What?
Left overnight in a sealed room,
it turns all objects into gas!
Hey, arsehole!
Is someone there?
Of course, dickhead!
Is that you, Sire?
- Where are you?
- In front of you, you jerk!
No kidding?
You're invisible?
How did you do that?
It was your sore throat potion.
I must have made a mistake.
- How's the sore throat?
- Great. It's still there.
I was so happy when
I got your message.
- I thought we'd fallen out!
- Over what?
The cousin thing.
- Careful!
- Sorry! They're sealed.
A knight errant has no cousins.
Exactly right.
What can I do for you?
I've a favour to ask.
Anything you like!
There's a message I'd like you
to give someone.
- A message?
- Yes.
Of the utmost importance.
Give it to no one
but the person it's for.
I'm listening.
- You made him invisible?
- Leave me alone!
Your spells only go right
when no one wants them!
I don't understand!
You never do!
That's the problem!
Go back to your scheming!
Leave us be!
Would you mind seeing to me,
imbeciles!
I'm off.
It's not my business.
Go on!
Give us some space!
He really winds me up!
Do I dismember the British Empire
or will you fix this?
It's not that bad!
It's tricky leading an army
when you can't be seen!
Give me a day or two
to knock something up.
Take your time!
Remember me if you find
a remedy for a sore throat!
Sorry.
Anyone here?
Damn!
Where is everyone today?
Or are we all invisible?
I don't believe it!
Sir Bors, what's wrong?
My Queen, listen, I beg you!
I've an important message
for you from Sir Lancelot.
- Lancelot?
- It's a secret.
I pray no evil spell
descends upon us.
An evil spell?
Have you been drinking?
Sir Lancelot is in love with you.
What?
From the first moment
he saw you.
He neither asks
nor expects anything of you.
He wanted to share the secret
he's carried all these years.
What an awful draft!
You won't do anything stupid?
These things soon get out of hand.
Your reaction to this could mean
the end of the Kingdom, the Grail...
- So, what do I do?
- Nothing. Forget it.
- Forget it?
- Is it that serious?
He loves her, she loves him...
What?
- Did I say, "She loves him"?
- Yes.
I'd be surprised.
Sure I didn't say, "She's lovely"?
Try and relax, Bors!
You're clutching
your sword.
It's no good!
It's Excalibur, Sire!
I'm afraid I'll get b*rned!
You will if you fight like that!
Drop your shoulders,
relax your arms!
Relax your arms!
Breathe!
Fighting's mostly
about breathing.
Very good!
Do it again!
Make an effort!
This is ridiculous!
A break!
I'm thirsty, I need a drink.
You keep stopping
to drink and piss!
Focus for minutes!
Well, I never...
Sir Lancelot!
You've rescued me!
For the th time!
- Funny, seeing you here.
- Funny?
I thought I'd never
see you again!
That's what I'm here about.
Can Bors stay?
- I can go.
- He can stay.
- Yes, but I can go!
- Stay!
I needn't remind you,
half the time I'm at court,
the other half, a knight errant.
- You're reminding me now.
- All that's over.
- Over?
- Well done!
- No comments!
- Sorry.
You're back for good?
- Wonderful!
- Shut up!
- Sorry.
- No, I'm leaving for good.
What? You're joking!
Shut up or I'll clout you!
Good afternoon, Sire.
Are you taking the piss?
- About?
- Don't turn your back on me!
You might at least expand a little!
Expand on what?
You're not up to
leading the Grail quest.
Lumped in with the puppets
in your government
you look weak
to the neighbouring countries.
Without mentioning the Gods!
Anyway, I'm going.
I'll manage on my own.
I'll get further naked on one foot
that you and your cretins!
Do something!
You can't let him go like that!
He went off. He won't be back!
It's a shame.
He was a good recruit.
A straight guy.
But was he up to it?
We're under such pressure,
you need a balanced lifestyle...
And an irreproachable diet.
It'll demoralise the team.
It's a bloody pain.
We'll have to buoy them up again.
The tragedy today is the fragility
of the human condition.
k*lling me would be rather pointless.
You'd feel better now, I agree,
but looked at objectively,
taking out your aggression on me
is not devoid of absurdity.
Which is where I say,
"Is it worth it?"
- If Lancelot forms a clan...
- He won't. He's gone off.
I said, " if" .
It would be an extra clan.
He'd be independent.
He wouldn't have to work.
What if we formed our own clan?
It's tricky.
If we didn't want to work...
There's lots of administrative stuff.
- Such as?
- You have to sign things.
Forget it, then.
You've no business here.
Go away!
Sir Lancelot, I beg you, think!
A separatist movement is madness!
The Kingdom's stability is in peril!
It's been in peril for ages!
I've tried to keep it standing.
I give up!
Go before I lose my temper!
But this is Arthur's land!
Tell him if he wants it,
he can come and get it.
I knew it!
It's beginning!
Provocation, threats!
You're destroying the Empire!
You're all damned!
- What did you get?
- Food.
Anything for me?
No. It's just for me.
- Shall I go back?
- No, I'll go.
- I don't mind.
- You eat.
You're starving every night, now!
You're not pregnant?
Again!
We're going to come to blows!
I came one last time to beg you
to give up your plan.
Get out!
I no longer know you.
You or any other maniac
from Kaamelott.
You're nothing to me!
Listen as my cousin!
I'm no one's cousin!
- As a friend!
- I'm not your friend!
If it's like that, destroy everything,
k*ll each other!
Put Britain to the fire and sword!
Don't expect me to bring you
the apple cakes
you like so much!
You can cook them yourself
from now on!
Between raids!
Farewell, Bors!
You're here?
Who are you kissing at this hour?
My God.
- You're completely crazy.
- What's wrong?
A Knight's wife?
The greatest sin!
I'm overcome with shame!
You can't see, it's dark!
She's a Grecian sl*ve.
Really?
Go on, say something.
In Greek?
It won't be very convincing.
What are you going to do?
Respect the law
and k*ll your friend Caradoc?
We don't know
what we're going to do.
What will you do with me?
With you?
Nothing. I don't know.
As usual.
Nothing.
This time, Bors,
don't say I didn't warn you.
Draw your sword and prepare to...