What's all this mess?
- We'll tidy up afterwards.
- What are you doing?
Practising.
Making a mess?
- We're honing a new technique.
- It's sharp!
Get out, you maniacs!
Stop bugging everyone!
And tidy up
before there's an accident.
- We were at the inn...
- On surveillance.
Someone tried to hit me.
Why?
- He was drunk.
- He took me for his nephew.
He hates him
because he stole a lettuce...
- I go to draw my sword...
- But the guy
mugs him with his tankard.
He didn't exactly mug me.
He broke his mug on your head.
So we hit upon this new technique.
It was our starting point.
Don't you say that?
Yes...
We decided to learn how to fight
with everyday objects.
The first stage was learning
to recognize offensive objects.
What?
Objects that offend you.
Isn't that the name?
Of course, offensive objects.
Here's an example.
Tell me, Sire,
is fennel offensive?
I'd say no,
but I'm no fennel expert.
Trick question!
The answer's yes and no.
What do beginners do?
Grasp the fennel by the stem
and lash out with the sporadic bit.
Sporadic?
That's when it's round.
You'd have held the stem?
If I found myself armed
with a fennel?
It's possible.
But, no!
What do you see if you look closely?
The sporadic part has no prosperities.
It's smooth.
It's best to hold
the ballerous part.
- Sporadic.
- And fight with the stem.
- The stemorous bit.
The point of which could be offensive.
Are you with us?
Analyzing the brush,
the bristles are offensive.
We use them to scratch.
We saw that sausages
weren't offensive.
But we found a perimetric use
for them
as a whip.
That's whippy!
Like the pipe.
It's offensive because it's pointed,
but it's also irksome.
I am now irked.
Because of that,
I've lost concentration.
What do we do?
We use an object we put aside
because it didn't have prosperities.
But now, it becomes useful.
I'm no longer irked,
my ears are protected,
we can continue fighting.
Would you like a go?
Good! Very good!
A lovely exchange!
Look out!
Drop everything.
We'll both att*ck you.
Improvise with what's behind you.
That was rubbish!
It's you!
I hear a guy snoring, I hit him!
What would you do?
The same thing, I'm sure...
I've got a traumatitis...
Why are you here?
You should be in a watchtower.
Gawain and I decided to take a break.
A break?
The beds are dreadful in the tower.
Who's watching the coast?
- Gawain?
- No, he's here too!
Who's in the tower? No one?
We locked everything up.
No one can get in.
We're not totally irresponsible!
Let me get this straight.
So, there's a part of the coast
that's not being watched?
We weren't shirking.
We were there until yesterday.
We would have been going
back tomorrow,
but it's no fun being there
every day!
If invaders land at that spot
and Arthur hears
they deserted their post...
We thought of that!
We'll go back tomorrow.
When we get there,
we'll hide in a thicket
and watch the tower.
If it's been b*rned down,
invaders have landed.
We'll come and tell you.
If your bed was on fire
would you go quicker?
I knew this was going to cause trouble.
It's no fun spending all day here.
No one will look for us here.
It stinks as well.
- You'd rather go back to the tower?
- Not yet.
We're in our own beds!
We'll end up getting caught.
I nearly bumped into Bors yesterday.
You went up too early.
a.m.! No earlier.
Then we won't be surprised.
We might!
If they release a prisoner.
Plan B.
Plan B's useless!
Plan B!
Take pity!
Nothing but misfortune!
Imprisoned here inadvertently,
against our will!
Someone come and free us
from this misfortunity.
Misfortune.
Misfortune.
This is going too far!
He gave us no time to explain.
This has been a nightmare
from the start.
I think I'd prefer it now.
We won't be seeing our beds tonight.
At least we're safe from invaders.
Also true.
We're not alone.
We've some fellow prisoners.
Hello.
Is he securely chained up?
What's going on?
- What?
- I saw your new wife go past,
I guessed you were alone.
Tonight, yes.
Is something wrong?
I'm afraid of the dark,
noises, insects...
I'm cold, I have nightmares.
You have to find a solution.
I can't go on like this.
- A solution?
- A way to get me home!
It's vital!
I'll see what I can do.
Would you stop eating my shirt?
What can I do for you?
A bedroom potion, I suppose?
Bedroom?
For the ladies...
I don't need it, thanks.
It's what most people want.
- Who?
- Lots of people here.
- You want names?
- I couldn't care less.
Without being alarmist,
I've worked these parts for years
and this place has the most...
Drop it! I'm not interested.
I'm listening.
Do you know anything about angels?
Angels?
Yes.
At least...
Beings sent to Earth
by the Gods.
Don't confuse angels with demons.
This is an angel.
- Know anything about them?
- Not much.
Damn. Demons?
No.
You're a great help!
I know a bit,
it's just not my field.
It's to help an angel
return to its plane.
You know one that isn't?
That's right.
How do you know it isn't?
How?
Because it isn't normal.
It's walking around, it's visible.
- You can touch it.
- Maybe it's a normal guy.
It's a woman.
Do you think I'd be trying
to send her back if she was normal?
A guy will do anything
to dump a harpy!
She was an angel.
She was banished by the Gods.
So, she was banished.
Would you mind not butting in?
She did something wrong.
Right the wrong
and it will be revoked.
I was hoping you'd have...
another way of doing it.
A spell.
If I had a spell against divine will,
I wouldn't be making virility potions
for all the limp-dicks in Britain.
We'll tidy the place up.
And then...
we'll put up a pretty wall-hanging,
in raspberry red,
and there,
a shelf for your bits and pieces.
Won't you dump Mevanwi,
raise an army and get Guinevere back?
It would help me out.
It's not on the agenda.
But look,
I'll put you up a shelf!
I pruned the bushes around
the hut today.
They really needed it.
Tell me about your day?
Why, beloved?
Yours was splendid.
I almost prefer the days
when I was sent packing...
What did I say?
I've been through this before!
I don't want to make comparisons...
Too late now!
To be honest, dear heart,
our relationship
is filling me with doubt.
Doubt?
Not deep down.
You know how I adore you.
But... running away,
living in the wild,
this reclusion...
I'm afraid the situation will mar
our precious love.
Not mine.
Mine then.
That's one out of two!
If I've upset you, tell me!
- He who cannot bend when...
- No, it's not you.
It's everything!
You work so hard,
you have your problems...
I'm not criticizing
but I know the refrain.
With Arthur I said,
"I'm not criticizing" times
and the st time, I left him!
That won't happen with me.
How do you know?
Arthur let you go.
I won't be so weak.
I'd k*ll you with my bare hands
rather than lose you.
Well, that would be a first.
You're not telling me anything.
- What should I say?
- I don't know.
What's going on in your forest?
Well...
Nothing much.
Your journey then.
Did you have a good trip?
Why bother answering?
It's a pointless question!
Make an effort!
It's no joke eating
with you looking like that.
I'll take my food outside.
Get some air.
- No one's stopping you.
- Please!
It's a -day march to eat with you.
I'm not going to witter on as well.
It's so rewarding eating with you.
We exchange opinions...
I left Kaamelott to avoid
the social functions.
I won't attend them here.
This feels just like home!
Every lunchtime at Kaamelott
was like this.
Crockery flying in all directions!
It's lively when my wife is here.
The bitch once broke my leg
with an amphora!
The worst thing in the world
is eating with my wife and my son.
Last time,
the idiot said he wanted a nickname.
We spent the meal explaining
that he couldn't call himself Gawain,
Knight of the Pancreas.
With Yvain,
we fought against Knight of the Lion.
Knight of the Lion?
We got Knight of the Pancreas.
But he wouldn't give in.
Same for us.
It's in writing now.
Knight of the Pancreas.
Did anyone see us come in?
We'll soon know.
What if of them show up?
They won't all get in at once.
Do we bump them off one by one?
No one's coming. Shut it!
It's funny,
even in a situation like this
you're disagreeable.
Any idea who these jokers are?
I'm not sure.
They sound like Germans.
I'd have said Visigoths.
The Visigoths are Germanic.
All right!
A geography ace
but a tactical dunce!
We're stuck here
thanks to your bright ideas!
I don't need your opinion.
I know your tactics!
Stay put and get out the catapult!
Exactly!
Why go haring round the country?
And on what pretext?
To att*ck their leaders on the flank.
- I thought they'd be fewer.
- Well it's a great success!
We don't know if they're Germans
or Visigoths!
Would you change your tactics
if they were Tuaregs?
Get off my back.
You're impossible to talk to.
Someone's coming.
Now we'll find out who they are.
What are you doing here?
I've kept my tools in here
for years!
Well done. Very tidy.
- Did you break the lock?
- We had to hide.
- The Visigoths were after us!
- I thought they were Saxons.
No, they were speaking
something Germanic.
The Saxons are Germanic too.
Them too?
I won't go to Germany on holiday!
They're wasting everything
while you hide here.
- We can whistle for help!
- We're planning!
Our tactics change
with where they come from.
You don't know
where they come from.
That's why we're stuck.
Someone's coming.
What am I doing here?
This is my hut!
I've been using it for years!
What's this boloney?
It's mine!
Yours? Are you dreaming?
This hut goes back
to my great-grandfather's day!
It can go back to Ramses II.
You sold it to me!
I sold it to you?
You often sell me things
then carry on using them.
What's the Ostrogoth doing?
Will you shut up?
Can we leave this hovel soon?
There's inches of muck
on every surface!
Can't you be a bit tidier?
I'll give you a tidy old kick
in the prenatals!
I'm sorry, no one's coming in.
Some whiskery git usually turns up now
and says he owns the place.
I've a suggestion here,
I don't know whose.
- The quest for the Grey Dragon.
- It's from our comrade Percival
who's about to set off
on a dragon hunt
with Caradoc, following a tip-off...
I forget the details.
A traveller stopped at the inn.
He came from some remote village.
It was under att*ck
by a Grey Dragon.
It's the small kind of dragon.
- But it's a beast!
- You're going to save the village?
We all get a turn
at reaping the whatever it is.
I don't know.
We'll all be with you.
No you won't!
It's just Caradoc and me!
Unless that's changed?
It's dangerous.
We must stop getting
our horses stolen.
We're going to look stupid.
I try to be careful...
I hope they've got some horses here.
Are we here already?
I'm really into this quest!
I don't want to be a bore,
but we said we wouldn't stop here.
- We're not stopping!
- But the horses?
We'll ask if they've got any,
then it's goodbye!
And if they aren't to hand?
If they're at the other end
of the valley?
We're not just going to stand there.
We can sit down.
We just don't eat or drink.
They bring the horses, we go.
- No stuffing our faces.
- That's what we'll do.
When they bring the horses,
we go.
If it comes to it...
It's true, it's stupid.
We might as well quench our thirst.
- Have a bite to eat...
- Fill our stomachs...
We mustn't stay too long.
We sit down, eat, relax...
And set off!
It may be mid-afternoon,
but we won't stop.
It's not our style.
Early or late, we'll be off!
Otherwise we'll sit down to supper
it'll get dark
and we'll take a room.
We're leaving right away!
Unless the horses come at night...
He won't keep them miles away.
So,
we ask for horses.
We sit down at a table.
We order while the guy gets the nags.
We see what time he comes back
and either set off straight away
or sleep here.
What are you guys up to?
Can we borrow some horses?
Sorry, I don't have any.
- We'll take a room for the night.
- That's easiest.
How many nights did you say?
Just one! We've work to do!
Flushing out a dragon!
We're not staying long.
As you like. I've got room.
For how long?
We need to know.
At a rough guess,
if you share a room...
or days.
Just under a week's fine.
We'll stay a week and then be off.
Don't just shove it anywhere!
Why tidy up
if we can't find things later?
My point exactly! Why bother?
Can I get some service?
- Can I help you?
- I'm the official Enchanter.
You put the books away.
- How can I help?
- I'm exhausted.
I need to sleep.
I've got days work left
on the maps.
Can you make me something...?
Magical or plant based?
Magical preferably.
Plants don't work.
I'll carry on tidying
or we'll never finish.
- Elias will do it. I'll supervise.
- Right.
When will it be ready?
If I mess up the emulsion,
I'll have to start again.
Slow, isn't he?
- It's so annoying.
- Keep your oar out!
Hurry up! I've work to do!
- You'll do the work of with this!
- Six?
Take a swig yourself!
- It might help!
- It wouldn't help you.
- Six times nothing equals nothing.
- sh*t.
Down in one!
- What are you doing?
- You said, " Down in one" !
I was joking!
It's drop every hours!
- You said, " Down in one" !
- I was joking!
Crappy joke!
What do I do now?
OK...
Calm down!
Stop that!
Merlin told me to chain you up here.
It's for your own good.
Stop struggling!
Come on!
It's you?
- I thought I heard you.
- Help me!
What happened?
Grab his hands!
I give up!
Done it.
That's fine.
We'll be back in an hour, OK?
Stop that!
- Keep still!
- I can't!
- I'm going to disorientate you!
- What?
In secs, take off the blindfold
and try to find the exit.
This is the hardest maze I know.
It should keep you busy.
You're a public figure, Sire.
The people judge your behaviour.
You've given them
ample opportunity lately!
What's it to the people
if I change wife?
Do I ask for anything?
- It's none of their business.
- You can't say that.
You should set an example.
You can't conduct yourself
like some boor.
He's not conducting himself.
He's doing what he likes!
When you swapped wives,
the people were deeply unsettled.
How do you know?
Do you live with them?
Don't answer, Bors.
Bad faith merits contempt.
Or a punch on the nose...
We started off badly.
We waited...
Three weeks?
Not even three weeks!
And crash! April showers!
It's too much!
Every year there's something!
What does the government do?
Thriddle their twumbs!
Thrumble their threads!
They twiddle their thumbs!
What are you going to do about it!
So?
- Aren't you going to say anything?
- What can I say?
I thought I'd lost the people's trust.
There!
Now he's offended!
This isn't really the moment...
I disagree.
"The people are mad at me."
What do you know?
It's easy to speak for the people.
It's only my opinion.
I didn't send out a questionnaire.
Aren't these jokers the people?
Ask them, then we'll know.
We came about the rain!
Don't muddy your chickens
before the water's hatched!
- We more or less knew...
- We got wind of it.
But that's as far as it went.
We were busy with the showers.
Didn't your old wife
run off with a lad from here?
Sir Perniflas, wasn't it?
Lancelot du Lac.
So you got another one?
- That's it.
- The short version.
They say she ran off,
I say he threw her out.
You've got a nerve!
So we say what we think?
That's right. Guide the King
in his future decisions.
- All I can say...
- Yes?
You wanted to say something?
What were you going to say?
We...
don't really give a toss.
I'd say the same thing.
- There you are!
- All right!
The people don't give a sh*t!
Just as I thought!
Maybe they're not very typical.
They're not people,
they're bumpkins!
All right.
Let's say it makes us mad,
it's intolerable.
What happens after?
After who?
Just supposing
we don't like your new wife.
I still don't know who she is.
You do! Make an effort!
She's Sir Capeston's wife.
Caradoc.
Say we don't like her.
Will you take the old one back?
No. The King heard
that you don't like his attitude.
Is that all it was?
What about the rain?
I'm completely lost!
The rain, wife or no wife...
If we answer right, will you help us?
What are we waiting for?
I've forgotten.
For the spy to come back.
The guy we sent in?
The one you kept asking
about what he did for a job.
- That's why he said "spy" !
- Because he's a spy.
Got it.
That's great.
I understand the spy,
but what are we waiting for?
Reckon they caught him?
He's an "ace".
What can I say.
minutes to do a recce!
He needs time.
If it stops them wasting us,
it's fine by me.
- But Lancelot's not there.
- Apparently not.
There are possibilities:
he took all his men with him
or he left them all behind.
I'll wait for the spy and find out.
Hang on! The enemy usually
sends its spies to us,
but we just sent one to the enemy.
It's the other way round.
Does that make him a counterspy?
He's obviously been caught.
No! He's an ace!
Undetectable!
If I was a spy, I'd tell you.
- What are you then?
- I told you.
- A passing merchant.
- You can't pass here.
This is Sir Lancelot's land.
Traffic's diverted.
Where are his wares?
What?
What exactly do you sell?
I sell... animals.
Animals? What kind?
All kinds!
I'm not going to limit myself!
Where are they?
I sold them. It's my job.
Where? In the forest?
No.
At the market.
You're surprised by that!
I am, since it's an egg market.
- A what market?
- Egg.
You were at the egg market.
A few people sell milk,
but it's mostly eggs.
If they sell milk I can sell animals!
Sure you're not a spy?
It's better if you tell us.
It'll save us a lot of time.
Merchant.
Let's go. I'm bored!
You're always moaning
about something.
- I won't sleep here!
- Belt up! I'm waiting for my spy.
You can tell your spy to...
If the enemy keeps our spy
and sends one of theirs
to spy on us,
he'd be a bi-counterspy!
Let me go. They're waiting!
Really? Where?
Back there, on the path.
I thought you were alone.
I am. Alone with...
my merchant friends.
Merchant friends?
So you and your mates
took your animals
to the egg market?
You must be pretty dumb!
We're just doing our job.
We may challenge convention,
but if one day
animals are sold at the egg market,
it'll be thanks to us!
An "appraisal" . What's that?
What it says.
A review of their time at the outpost.
How they got on.
We won't be greatly honoured !
There's nothing shameful
in the heading.
Yvain and Gawain successfully
carried out their mission.
Successfully? No one tried
to inv*de. If they had...
They didn't.
It was a m*llitary success.
But personally...
I thought they'd come back dead.
They're alive! It's a success!
It's also a surprise!
What's to say?
They carried out their mission.
Shouldn't you be thinking
where to send them next?
By, "carried out their mission" ...
Mission accomplished!
"The puppy's on the fatal slope..."
What?
- It's code.
- We made it up in the watchtower.
What does it mean?
Mission accomplished!
Fine, but if you're not att*cked
how can I judge your ability?
Send them back. We'll att*ck them!
- We're not going back there!
- It's miles away!
I'll put you somewhere else,
but on watch.
I'm not giving you troops.
- Where will you send us?
- Somewhere lively?
Where there's action?
Tell me...
- Just one thing.
- Shut up! They'll k*ll us!
No one can hear.
- What?
- Is it prestigious?
- The Round Table?
- No, this post.
That's what I was wondering.
I think the Round Table is.
But is this new appointment
the same?
We're highly visible.
Any visitors meet us first.
But it's not good if we're invaded.
Why?
We'd be dangerously exposed!
We'd go inside.
Do we say something
before leaving?
Of course. Hold your horses!
No. Halt, who...
Halt, whatever your age?
I've forgotten it.
It stops people going in.
Hold your horses would work.
Halt for Pete's sake!
Halt, keep back!
Begone, varlet!
Halt, no entry!
I'm fed up with this.
But that's it.
He's leaving!
No one told us what to do.
Stop anyone approaching the gate.
It's winding me up.
He went before we said anything!
It's all right.
Clear off!
And don't think you can come back!
All right?
Yes, I'm sorry.
I've had enough.
I'm a bit nervous.
Why? What's happening?
I have to tell the Round Table
about my last adventure.
Another epic, I suppose?
No, it's kind of pathetic.
What kind of adventure was it?
Give me a foretaste.
The complete balls-up kind.
My horse bit me, too.
How will you introduce it?
- My horse?
- No, the adventure.
I'd be better off telling them
about the horse.
Let's put the facts in order.
OK, but it'll be crap.
Did you set off on your own?
Yes.
Good. What information...
Caradoc was there.
What?
Was I alone?
Yes, but Caradoc was there.
You set off with him?
Yes.
You weren't on your own.
Yes and no...
If you weren't on your own,
say " No" , not "Yes" !
I was almost right!
I got the tip-off.
Caradoc came later.
Let's begin with the tip-off.
How did it happen?
I was having a drink.
- You were at the inn?
- Yes.
- Classy opening.
- I told you!
Without meaning to,
I heard the people
at the next table talking.
I'm telling you,
they hide in the bushes,
wait till you turn the corner,
slit your throat
and steal your goods.
- What did they say?
- They were merchants.
At a part of the path,
people were being att*cked.
All right.
It's stupid but I thought,
if I caught the bandits,
it would be a quest.
It's not stupid! It's very good!
We'll just change a few bits.
- You weren't in the inn.
- I was!
We'll say you weren't.
You were...
In the forest.
You were coming to Kaamelott
for the Round Table.
The merchants asked for help.
- What's the difference?
- You weren't boozing.
It's different ethically.
It's better if the hero
doesn't set out to do something.
He's led unexpectedly
into an adventure.
He doesn't go out looking for it.
The adventure sets him on his way.
It's more interesting
if he doesn't have a plan.
So the inn's good!
I didn't want anything.
I was just loafing around.
It's good in theory.
Except that I'd rather not imply
that the Knights are alcoholics,
for one thing.
And secondly,
you loaf around so much in reality,
we should optimize the fiction.
- I'm lost.
- Trust me.
They approach you in the forest
and ask you to help them
because bandits are attacking them.
And I say no.
You say... Why no?
I'm not their servant!
You agree to help!
I don't get it...
That way it links up with your story!
Brilliant!
Are you going to remember it?
So, I was in the forest,
not in the inn?
The merchants said
there were bandits.
- Good.
- They asked for help. I said no.
- Yes! I always forget that.
- Otherwise there's no adventure!
That's it.
It hasn't started yet!
I'm not going to ruin
an intro like that!
It's classy.
They ask for help, I say yes.
End of story.
I can't tell you that!
We'll change it. Tell me everything,
as it happened, so I can see.
I went to where the bandits
were supposed to be.
On your own?
With no idea of numbers?
They weren't there.
- What if they had been?
- I'd have known.
I see. Are you crazy?
No more missions for you!
You'll die in the first ambush.
I had to see.
Study the terrain!
Ask for back-up!
- You don't just go!
- I got Caradoc.
I forgot that. Go on.
What can I say?
You made a plan or something...
- Let's go!
- And do what?
We need something to do.
I'm bored with stuffing dough-balls
up my nose.
When did we do that?
Two days ago?
Yes.
Seriously, come on.
I'll be toast if I go alone.
- Where is it?
- I'm not sure.
We'll soon see.
I'll just make a snack.
OK.
Do I say that?
Leave out the dough-balls.
And your mate who prepares a snack
instead of a plan of att*ck.
So I don't say anything?
It's a pity, the part
where the hero gathers his team
may be corny but it works.
A two-man team's a bit naff.
With Caradoc on board,
you went back along the path?
And...?
We weren't att*cked.
What?
No trouble.
It was like a Kn*fe through butter.
Incredible!
Mission accomplished.
Lizard Formation.
Lizard?
- Don't you say that?
- When?
I don't know.
It's turtle formation.
And you don't say it.
What do you say?
You don't say a thing!
They were talking...
Well, not talking...
They came to see me.
They sat down at my table.
I said, " Bugger off! We're not family!"
But it was the forest.
The same thing in the forest.
They were at my table...
No, they were walking
on some twigs.
But I wasn't sticking
dough-balls up my nose.
Let's begin negotiations.
- He understood you.
- No, he didn't.
He doesn't have an interpreter,
but he doesn't understand a word.
We can say anything.
Percival, say something.
I like fruit in syrup.
See?
Arthur! It's w*r!
My God! Does he know
what he's saying?
I couldn't tell you.
Arthur, I like fruit in syrup.
We're all right. No danger.
We've the peace treaty to tackle!
w*r!
He knows what that means.
No, I assure you...
He said it loudly,
but he could have said "salsify" .
Salsify!
There.
How will you negotiate?
We'll struggle, he'll be lost
and go home thinking
we're still at w*r.
Are we?
Yes. We can't talk!
We have to negotiate. Understand?
Negotiate!
Negotiate?
Play.
What are those?
He's suggesting you play
to settle the treaty.
Well, again...
We shouldn't take him literally!
- Play?
- Play! w*r! Salsify!
We really can't be sure.
All right!
Play!
Play!
Concentrate, Sire!
Peace depends on you!
So what's new?
It looks fun.
Don't change plates for cheese!
I think that means he starts.
Do you speak Burgundian now?
Your turn, Sire.
Bravo Arthur!
Crap move!
He's laughing at you.
- He said, "bravo" .
- He's laughing at you.
Two pieces.
Does that mean something?
- What?
- Moving two pieces?
How do I know?
Do you know what to do next?
I have no idea
what I'm doing with my eggs.
I've never played this before.
Arthur!
I like fruit in syrup!
And the piece you moved?
I had to move something!
What will you play next?
Easy.
There you are!
So, if I'm right,
you came from Tintagel
because of a dream?
A premonitory dream!
A vision!
Was I in it?
No, but your father was.
There was a maze.
A maze?
Do you know any?
Mazes?
- One or two.
- Then let's go!
It's life or death!
But which maze?
We're not visiting them all.
What was your one like?
I just remember it was hard
to get my bearings.
I think we've been here before.
It's a maze!
You always think
you're passing the same spot!
We went round a corner
and through an arch and now...
Just go with the flow.
That's all I ever do.
Are your feet hurting, Mother?
Am I asking you questions?
Don't start snapping at me!
I'll just walk off
and leave you here!
Do you care if my feet hurt?
Not a bit!
I was making conversation.
I'm not thinking about my feet,
I'm trying to find my bearings.
And what have you found?
Nothing!
We keep walking,
I don't recognize a thing.
I just know my feet hurt!
Just one thing...
Is this my left arm?
No, right.
After we came in,
we went left, left, left, right,
left, right, left, left, left, right.
Now it's all messed up.
Unless you reverse everything.
So that would make it,
right...
- No, that does my head in.
- Mine too.
I don't want to complain
but we've been here ages.
Nothing's familiar.
Is it worth going on?
- Make an effort.
- What have I been doing?
I've got better things to do
than yomp around a maze!
- That was in it!
- What?
Don't go off on your own!
If we split up we're done for.
This was in it. I'm sure.
- Exactly the same!
- So?
So what?
What happened in the dream?
I came across this thing,
and then I woke up.
Is that all?
I woke up knowing
I had to come to this exact spot.
To...?
To...
I don't know.
I had to come, I know that.
I once dreamed a guy
came to see me,
and said,
"You never knew your parents?"
I said, " No" .
He said, "Don't worry,
they're cheese-makers."
We talked about scorpions all night.
He was half bear,
half scorpion and half bear.
I see!
Is that funny?
No, Pendragon just spoke to me.
I didn't dream about this.
It was on top of the turret of a castle
we once stayed in.
It looks like this, but it isn't.
Are we going to sit around here
all day?
So, minutes
then it's back inside.
I didn't mean it literally.
Be reasonable.
Don't get tricky.
minutes is minutes.
I can talk to whoever I like.
We're outside the camp.
Lancelot hates us talking
to Kaamelott folk.
Inside or outside!
My fiancé's from Kaamelott.
I have to see him now and then.
OK, minutes,
because he's your fiancé.
Well... fiancé...
Maybe that's exaggerating.
In a way he's...
my fiancé, without knowing it.
He doesn't know?
You said he was your fiancé.
He's becoming it.
We won't get much further
if we only have minutes!
This is crazy!
We're going to be slain!
What?
We're by Lancelot's camp.
You shouldn't have come.
I came because you got around me!
" I have to talk to Angharad..."
Blah, blah, blah...
It's true! I do.
Talk to her in Kaamelott
where it's safe!
She works here! It's not my fault!
We're meeting on neutral ground.
Sir Lancelot att*cks outside his area!
His patrols...
If we meet a patrol,
I'll defend you.
Caradoc and I can fight people
single-handed.
You've had your talk. Let's go.
You promised you'd be reasonable.
- We're fine here!
- Stop being such wimps!
I'll go back
and pretend I know nothing.
Come back when you like.
It's you who'll be thrown out!
I'll get lost on my own.
more minutes!
Sir Percival,
if I had the guts to go home
on my own, I'd be gone!
All right. Who are you?
The teacher?
What?
I thought I'd try for a joke.
I'm meant to att*ck anyone
from Kaamelott on sight.
On sight?
Kaamelott, att*ck on sight.
When they enter your camp?
- No. Anywhere.
- Here?
I see one, I run him through.
I can't do things at once!
All right, we're going.
If you don't come right now,
I'll att*ck you.
- What?
And in my panic, I might hurt you!
I'd watch out if I were you!
If you don't come now,
I'll stone you!
Will you leave us alone?
Do you want a caning?
What's this thing with teachers?
Come now or we'll direct our anger
into these projectiles!
I thought we'd throw stones at them.
If I were a man,
I'd boot your backsides!
So would I! You're lucky.
I can k*ll men at once
with a dead leaf!
Lucky there are of you!
Are you coming?
No. We're not!
Landlord! Is Venec here?
I haven't seen him.
He said he might drop in.
I'll take a room.
Tell him to come and see me.
Do you want a girl?
Maybe.
Why do you use Venec?
I can supply you for less.
You always give me hobos!
I'm fine.
I've some Armorican
too good to miss!
I'm fine. Tell Venec.
- Two for the price of one!
- No!
- I'll throw in a young one!
- No.
I'll give you the room free.
I'll take the room but not the girl.
I can't do any miracles tonight.
The tournaments are on,
the fans all want girls.
Another time then.
Wait a minute!
Kaamelott knights get top priority
with me.
I won't let you down.
Don't send some foreign bimbo.
Give me some warning!
With all the events going on,
I'm cleaned out!
I've got one.
I might be able to find you one,
but she won't speak the language.
But what do you care
if she does or not?
Get me a local girl.
Or even a Welsh one.
Give me mins, I'll send one up.
Do you mind if we settle up now?
And don't take all week!
At this price I'm not going to hurry!
Well try not to dawdle then.
I made the sports fans pay double
and since they're big bastards
I don't want them saying
I don't deliver.
I can't give you more than minutes.
I so want to do well.
I'd love to stumble over the Grail!
To have it hit me on the head
as I left here.
I'd arrive at Kaamelott.
Everyone would say,
" Look, there's that idiot
who never understands a thing!"
I'd act as if nothing had happened,
go up to the King
and put the Grail down
in front of his nose.
They'd never get over it.
They'd say, "It's disgusting!
Why does he get the glory?"
I don't give a toss about glory.
Or about the Grail.
Arthur's all that counts.
I may suck at strategy and archery,
but I know what it is
to love someone.
Get it over with!
The kid's got customers!
Five more minutes!
Stop jerking me around!
I'm coming in!
I don't care if you're at it!
The girl's late for work!
I help you out and you drop me in it!
Is that nice?
I've known some slowpokes,
but you take the cake!
Caius?
Caius? Are you there?
Open the door!
It's open.
He's not here.
Could this be linked to
the unanswered messages?
That's what we're here to find out.
May I make a supposition?
Yes.
That Sir Caius didn't reply
precisely because he wasn't here?
That could be it.
Who's there?
- What are you doing here?
- And you?
You weren't at your place.
I thought I'd check out the action here.
And?
- And what?
- What's the action?
Nothing to report.
So you stayed on for days?
Not days!
We've been sending messages
for days.
They're outside your door!
He didn't reply
because he was here!
You don't live on your estate at all!
I do!
I was just pretending...
And to do that
you wear the uniform?
It's to go with the colour scheme.
I clash otherwise.
Don't tell me this is your tent?
I don't know. There are lots.
This is your superior's tent!
How come he lets you use it?
He's a nice guy.
There's not a soul here!
What?
They've gone!
That's why we got in so easily.
You're all that's left!
What's that got to do
with the messages?
- Try and find someone out there.
- All right.
Now!
But...
Maybe they're just on manoeuvres.
The that were left
have gone on manoeuvres.
Don't take me for an...
What was the name?
- What?
- Who am I looking for?
I said to try and find someone.
That was it.
You're well set up here.
- I'm not doing any harm.
- No?
Playing at centurions
in an empty camp!
I'm not doing any harm.
Why didn't you put on his helmet too?
I looked for it,
but the bastard took it with him.
All he left were his underclothes.
Would you be so kind...
Is Someone here?
So I go home alone in the dark.
Great. What do I say?
To whom?
When I get back?
Nothing. Go to bed.
So, there's no mission?
No. Get lost.
Now!
So you...?
Did they leave any food?
There's some dried pork
and some raspberry jelly
to die for!
And at least lbs of marzipan!
lbs of marzipan!
I know what it is! A dragon's claw.
- So why ask?
- Why is it on your shelf?
I make potions with it!
Are you deaf?
That was weeks ago!
What's it to do with you?
This claw's intact!
That means it's new!
Keep your nose where it belongs!
You didn't get them to buy you
another claw?
No!
You got bottles out of the last one!
- What's this one for?
- To make jerks speak!
Today on the agenda,
a chapter on armament...
Oh no!
Don't start that!
There are other subjects
than armament!
There's never time for them.
Why's everyone so crabby today?
We stick to the agenda.
I'm going to use my authority
for once.
On to the next subject!
Well done.
This is about the place
where the stones
need to be replaced
in the south wall.
The guard says the cr*ck is...
That's boring. Anything else?
This is ridiculous!
There's an item
about coastal surveillance...
- At a pinch...
- No, I'm not interested.
Next subject.
A request from Elias the Enchanter.
Now that's interesting.
Very good.
Shall we do that?
It's boring magic!
It's unintelligible!
It's a change.
Magic never gets a look-in!
The Enchanter Elias of Kelliwic'h
asks for money for ingredients
for a spell.
- They're bold at begging!
- And you're so shy?
- Agreed.
- Agreed?
I didn't say how much he wants.
- Enough for his needs, I expect.
- , gold pieces.
- How much?
- , gold pieces.
Magic costs money.
You're going to pay up?
I always pay up
when it comes to your w*r engines!
But you shout!
You thump the table!
We call each other names!
Why are you giving in
without a single gripe?
It saves us time. Go on.
I'll do it.
I agree,
, gold pieces.
The last thing I asked for
was a shelf.
- That was months ago!
- You'll get your shelf.
I should ask for Pegasus feathers
since we're only interested
in show these days!
Would you be so good
as to leave your comrade alone?
Let him work in peace.
So he can have things
and I can shut up?
Exactly! And your ill-will means
you can tidy up the lab!
- It's disgusting!
- So it is.
I want it spotless in an hour.
This is favouritism!
I'm trying to be fair.
You're always on at him.
So tidy the lab!
You're lucky to get off so lightly.
I've no idea where these things go!
King Lot is arriving so...
So what?
So nothing.
We just have to watch out.
Watch out for what?
I don't know. The King's coming.
He merits more attention
than the cleaner!
You can deal with your King.
I'm not Orcanian.
I never kowtowed to Arthur.
I won't to a two-bit king!
Do we receive him in all this mess?
No chairs, nothing to drink...
Sir Galessin, you're starting
to get on my nerves!
He's King of Orcania!
Not Tommy the Tramp!
So this is where it's all goes on.
- Sir Lancelot.
- Sire.
Speaking of which,
I wondered what you should call me.
Call you?
You're not really one of my subjects,
or under my orders.
"Sire" is a bit bombastic.
I came up with " Lot" ,
" My Lord" , "Sir"...
I even toyed with "old stick" ,
"dear chap" and " rascal" .
I'm not keen on " rascal" .
Me neither. It's hard to find
something both
respectful and casual.
Let's hold that thought
and move on.
Good idea.
I visited your fort this morning.
It's not at all bad.
Are you happy with progress?
We're gradually getting there.
- It takes time.
- Quite.
But you have the means
to work properly.
You can iron out the problems later.
I didn't see Guinevere.
She was there.
She doesn't go out much.
I see. Same thing there.
It's a cliché,
but a happy home life's
a great benefit to army life,
particularly when one's in command.
I was hard on my troops. Why?
Mostly because my wife
is a complete bitch.
Which Guinevere isn't,
needless to say.
Needless to say.
They're different types.
Guinevere was struggling
as a leader's wife back when...
Back when?
- You know.
- No. When, in particular?
Back when she was with Arthur!
There's no shame in it.
It's better to be honest.
You're not your wife's first husband.
There.
She's already been with a w*rlord.
So what?
My wife's been with most of Britain,
but I accept it.
Many people see me
as King of the Yobs,
but I shrug it off, carry on.
It's the only way to cope.
It would suit me
if you found the Grail by September.
What?
If it's October, I'll work round it.
That's the tricky thing
about starting a separatist movement.
I have to assert my position
vis-à-vis Logres.
I have to have the Grail
to lead operations.
I don't have Excalibur...
It's impossible!
Do you need longer?
If you need a few more men
I'll see what I can do.
Yield, unclean spirit!
God speaks to you through my sword!
To the stake!
Where's the pullet?
It's gone, but it'll be back
in minutes.
Halfwit?
The Devil's emptied your mind!
There's nothing in it!
You will perish at God's hand!
Understand?
You will perish! To the stake!
Auntie said not to fight.
Oh Lord,
give me the courage to fight evil.
Give your sword the strength
to defeat your enemies!
Dies Irae!
Look, halfwit,
here comes a piece of ham!
To the stake!
Sire, God has shown me the way.
Kyrie...
And when he showed you the way
he asked you to make mincemeat
of this guy?
Can I have some ham?
Sire, for all this time
I've been searching for impious souls.
God sent me a revelation!
He said, "Do not make others do
what you can do yourself" .
Without the aid of a third party...
Now you and your clowns
are going to call it a day.
My clowns?
The soldiers
who t*rture anything that moves.
I can't stand them.
If I see them, I'll k*ll them.
Sire, I'm through with all that.
I'm setting forth on my own.
Sire,
I'm going to be a Knight Errant!
Gloria!
You wanted training up.
This is my arms master.
The best there is.
You're too kind, Sire.
Three days to the holidays.
But...
Training's just a formality.
God's running the show!
I'm nothing to do with it!
I was you who asked.
I wanted to learn the basics,
get a few tips.
I've never used a sword in my life!
But God's running the show!
What can I say?
A sword's a thing...
You've got it the right way up!
My auntie's taking me to the sea.
To drown me.
In fact, the halfwit reminded me...
Give me your sword.
Since God gives you
your magic powers,
it'll be really handy.
Give it to me. I'll have it.
Piss off and pester the Pope!
Don't stand in the way
of the Repurgator!
Maybe later?
Ready to parry?
I'm in no danger!
God's running the show!
This is crazy!
He's only a beginner.
God's running the show!
It's up to you.
Fancy playing Owl's Arse?
A game of dice wouldn't go amiss.
Or something else?
I'm in the mood for Owl's Arse!
Do you know Pelican?
No, but we're playing Owl's Arse.
I'll teach you.
- It'll take minutes.
- Really? You say that but...
It's simple!
A moron could do it.
Maybe, but I know
I won't understand a thing,
it'll be a.m.
and we won't have started.
We'll try it. If it's too hard,
we'll play Owl's Arse.
You need artichokes...
The one who wins the hand
sorts his artichokes
from rough to smooth.
All of them?
It'll take weeks!
In the swap round
you can flog % of them
if you buy the bank for double
your neighbour's points,
minus half his artichokes!
Then you say, " Ritornello"?
It's "Raitornello"!
Not if there are artichokes
in the bank.
Or you do an artichette.
I've told you already!
You've won, I'm off to bed!
Aren't I explaining it right?
Are you trying
to make me look crazy?
Back me up, can't you!
I don't understand it!
Can't you try and learn?
You make me look stupid.
Books on Wales?
Giving a talk on it?
No, I can't read.
Then leave the books alone.
I've work to do.
Grumpy!
I need you to read for me!
Read for you?
Do you think
I've nothing better to do?
I need to find a book
on Welsh card games.
Have you got one?
Welsh card games?
It'll take a week to find in here.
Get going,
before you start moaning again.
You're not that stupid!
I've read it times!
You don't understand either!
I'm not trying to!
I don't give a damn
about Welsh card games!
- "Change turn" .
- That's what's in here.
It's not my fault.
"After an asymmetrical deal."
You haven't explained
the bissextile deal!
Because I can't be arsed
to explain it to you!
Stop screaming like lunatics!
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Get out of here!
Go on!
Next time,
go and scream in the forest!
What's Pelican?
Apparently it's rubbish.
I only know crap games
no one understands.
But Pelican's easy!
You know it?
Tell me something,
if the player to your left
buys the bank at half value,
he hands in % of the artichokes
won in the last deal?
Yes.
But if you Artichette
and hit the banker with minus ,
you can go for a Raitornello
and make a bid?
So, Artichette,
double Tichette, triple Tichette,
Tichette ,
Michette, Shedeck, Mick,
Zanandabarlan, Raisinay
and Raitornello.
That's it.
I'm explaining it right,
the others are just stupid.
What's going on?
- No.
- We lost.
I said as much.
What?
The red-headed tramp
who's hanging about.
No one's caught her.
We wondered if she was here.
Some seedy character you dug up.
Since you bring us
nothing but trouble...
It seemed logical...
But no.
Let's go.
Get some sleep.
What are you doing?
Finish your milk.
Not with your tongue!
Do it nicely or I'll take it away.
In minutes it's back to your room.
- My feet are cold.
- So are mine.
Being earthly sucks.
I don't have anything
to compare it with.
Can't you read out loud?
Alliance treaties with the Irish?
No thanks.
I'm stopping. I'm fed up.
Can't we go to the lake?
- Now?
- Not now. Tomorrow.
What for?
I was thinking, Lady of the Lake.
Maybe it will trigger something?
Maybe the Gods will take pity.
Then they'll call me back.
I've other things to do
than go to the lake.
You owe me that!
It's your fault if...
All right! We know, it's my fault!
Go on.
We'll take a picnic.
- Are you going in?
- I'm getting wet!
It's a lake! It makes you wet!
It doesn't usually.
My foot goes in but it stays dry!
I've other things to do
than take you swimming!
Carry me!
- What?
- The first few steps.
Set me off, I'm sure it'll work.
- You're joking!
- Hurry! Something's happening!
It's coming back!
It's like it used to be!
- Do I let you go?
- Go on! I'll float above the water!
Get me!
- Isn't it working?
- Grab me!
Doesn't it work?
Hang on!
Can't the Lady of the Lake swim?
Don't worry about it.
It was just a bit too soon.
What if I can never go back?
If the Gods have forsaken me forever?
No!
They're teaching you a lesson.
Scaring you stiff.
What if I have to stay forever!
Well it's never forever here!
Don't tell me I'm mortal too?
No...
That would be a real bummer.
May I ask a question?
It seems unavoidable.
Why do people vow upon a comet?
I don't know.
You wish upon a star.
It's different.
It's traditional.
Do you change your vow?
Change it?
To the one before?
The star before?
No, the vow
when there isn't a comet.
What vow are you thinking of?
The wishbone thing?
I've no idea what you're on about.
What have comets got to do
with wishbones?
Wishes! That's what!
I know it's me.
Even when I try to be simple,
it goes wrong.
I'm really trying to follow you.
If it's as bad as that,
I'll stop talking!
I've got it! I understand!
You mean a Knight's vow.
That's nothing to do
with wishing on a star.
- Really?
- Wishes are something
you'd like to happen
and vows are more like a promise.
- They're not the same?
- Not at all.
So a Knight's vow doesn't change
with each comet?
Definitely not.
I haven't found a vow yet.
When I see a comet I think,
"Another vow!"
- So I'm not vows short?
- Not at all.
You can't have seen comets.
They're sh**ting stars.
- So I only need one?
- That's right!
Not even!
You don't have to make a vow!
- I haven't made one.
- Really?
Well, yes...
I vowed to find the Grail...
Any progress?
No, not really.
I can't explain it.
You don't need a different vow
for every comet.
He said you don't have
to have a vow.
It looks classy. We could try.
What then? Nothing boring.
There's finding the Grail,
but it's been taken.
- Taken?
- Yes.
I thought it was everyone's,
but it's been taken.
What else is there?
- There's chastity.
- What's that?
Something to do with being chased?
Not that then.
I'd get bored with running around.
A neutral vowel?
A neutral vowel.
Not bad, but I don't see how...
Me neither.
- The vow of silence?
- How would we be understood?
Let's try it for a day
and see if we get by.
A trial run.
It works!
Sorry.
Are you going to order something?
Two mugs of rot-gut!
Some bread to soak it up with?
Coming right up!
Not an ultimatum.
- Isn't it one?
- I don't know.
I think it's a bit strong too.
Yes, ultimatum.
No, it's not that.
It's a kind of warning.
So, what do I say?
Are you in a hurry?
Sir Lancelot's waiting.
Let him.
We're preparing our reply.
How do you tell someone
he's gone a bit too far
and that he's exaggerating
without offending him?
No...
That's it, use "warning".
Warning?
That's stupid.
No, it's very good.
It's measured.
Say we're warning him.
I need a set expression
or I'll never remember it.
No way!
We've other things to do!
Tell him to surrender,
disperse his army
and turn himself in within days,
or we att*ck!
- That's an ultimatum.
- What?
Why not att*ck right away!
Why send messages?
We should att*ck right away!
Do I say that?
- No!
- Yes!
The only thing is "disperse" ...
"disimerse"...
Even if I learn it phonetically,
I'm going to forget it.
Well...
Are you sure that's right?
- Yes.
- They want a denial.
- A denial? Of what?
- What are you saying?
A denial of what?
They were very vague!
- What do you say?
- When?
- When you muddy the waters?
- To muddy the waters?
That's it.
- Do you understand?
- Not at all.
Who are you talking about?
You said something
about the Lady of the Lake?
What did I say?
That it was a bit bogus?
Mind you,
the Lady of the Lake,
muddy the waters... It could be!
Be who?
Go back. I don't understand.
Damn it!
He won't budge?
He wants a fight.
He didn't understand the message.
He doesn't know what you want.
What's to understand?
He disperses his...
Disperse! That was it!
We'll send an ultimatum.
He'll understand that.
Now and then,
we make a leap forwards!
He'll only listen
if we thr*aten carnage.
I said as much.
Can't we find something else?
Instead of what?
" Multimatum". It doesn't feel good.
It's never going to work.
A nutritionist?
Yes, a nutritionist.
Lady of the Lake, muddy waters...
We all understand.
Won't you tell me who it is?
I have to make
a denial to a nutritionist?
Only if you want to.
Don't force yourself.
Anyone there?
So what do we do?
I've no idea.
You're great big jerks!
All three of you!
Go back.
Till they make things clear,
we maintain the status quo.
I'll do that. It'll be fine.
We can't agree.
I think that thingamajig
is the perfect way to annoy us.
He thinks that on that subject,
your imagination knows no bounds.
- How about you?
- What's that?
Twanging that thing at a.m.
Have you finally reached your limit?
I could sing along...
Like a child,
Like a word,
Fly away,
Little bird.
No I'm not,
A soldier of life...
Come in!
Sir Yvain,
- I'm sorry!
- Good evening!
I'm well aware of the cavalier nature
of my request...
Cavaliers?
I have to tell you of a misadventure
of which I was the unfortunate hero.
I think I know it.
That's unlikely.
One dog says to another dog,
"Give me my bowl,
big bad dog?"
- No.
- Then I don't know it.
It's just,
coming back from Gannes,
the inn I usually pass the night in
was full,
so I did the whole journey in one go
and only got to bed two hours ago.
God is my witness, I love music.
However, my room happens
to be next to yours
and I can't get to sleep.
I see!
I thought you wanted a song
about your adventure.
No, it's simply...
A song?
The inn was full,
Come back little...
Frankly,
" Full was the inn" is better.
Nothing rhymes with "full"
except " bull" and "winkle" .
It's tough.
Otherwise you could do,
Full was the inn,
Come back little bird!
Full...
Have you seen the time?
What's wrong?
We're sorry, we got carried away...
I've been running around trying
to track down this din!
Din! Thanks very much!
Yes, din! You could start
by tuning that thing!
I don't know how.
Can't you hear how terrible it sounds?
The harmonies are a bit off,
but I didn't put it down to tuning.
You've different tunings,
but make sure
your double strings are in tune
otherwise you'll go nuts.
You want to see
what nuts really means?
If we sit down and analyze it,
the din's been going on for hours!
Now you're all at it.
Once I've reduced it to shavings,
I might well set fire to the bed!
The furniture too.
It doesn't bother me!
How does it start again?
I've told you a hundred times!
We can't read!
We can't use the script!
We have to remember it all!
Percival and Caradoc
meet in the garden
... fortuitously.
" Percival and Caradoc
meet in the garden..."
That's a stage direction!
You don't say it!
You see!
I can't say "fortituistally"
anyway.
Fortuitously.
I can't say it.
Try harder or we'll never be ready.
Do I say that?
No, I was talking to you.
Are you in it too?
I'm lost!
I'm sorry, I can't do this all day.
I'm doing you a favour already.
Me too!
If it takes much longer...
- That's not their line.
- It's, "Noble Knights" !
Let's start again.
I haven't read this thing.
I'm not in the first three pages.
Can't you do the bit I'm in first?
We won't understand the story!
Hear the beginning.
You don't know the story.
I'll never will at this rate!
We never get past the first page!
" Lady Mevanwi,
"chivalry is no easy art..."
" Far from it, over the hills..."
Back to your first positions.
This time we'll get it!
" I hear someone coming!"
" It's our Good King Arthur!"
No, you have to move first!
- This isn't on!
- I warn you, I'm off!
Just a moment!
Percival, move next to Caradoc
before you reply
or you won't see the King coming.
Right.
I say, " I hear someone coming" .
I go towards him and say my line.
That's it.
You see the King because you move.
Start again.
This is the very last time!
Places, please! From the top.
" I hear someone coming!"
" It's our good King Arthur!"
Turn round!
I'm off! My head's reeling!
Is that in the script?
" Have we shown unseemly haste?"
"Should we forsake this crazy venture?"
"We must show some reason."
Just a minute.
You're taking the piss here.
What's wrong?
This is about us!
Clearly!
They're Greek heroes!
Which ones?
We'll decide later.
Caradoc and Percival play themselves,
and we're Greek heroes?
Caradoc says, "Good King Arthur"!
I made a mistake.
It should be, "Good King Menaleus" !
" Begone, filthy sorcerer!"
"You and your evil magic!"
No!
What?
You've skipped pages!
Lancelot, hurry!
Why?
You've a visitor. King Lot.
What's he doing here?
It's his place.
I've funded every plank.
Shame if I can't visit.
What's he doing here?
- We need to talk.
- I invited him.
Kaamelott knights aren't allowed here.
Apart from the ones I invite.
Really?
Sorry to get heavy,
but you need to set things straight.
Why did you bring him?
I met him on the way.
He said he was coming to get his wife.
- It made me laugh.
- What's she doing here?
Isn't she in Kaamelott?
You're my wife now.
What?
That's what made me laugh!
He swapped wives with Arthur.
Didn't I tell you?
Send Lady Caradoc here
before I get angry!
Do you want a kicking?
I'm ready!
I won't leave here without my wife!
Easy!
You wouldn't b*at up my guests,
would you?
If they take my betrothed...
- May I say a word?
- No. I'm not here for that.
- Get your men. I've a speech to give.
- What speech?
You'll see. Hurry up.
You're still in line for a kicking!
Women aren't allowed
at m*llitary speeches.
What are you doing?
Am I a woman? Must I go?
Get down there with the others!
There's no point getting mad.
Save it for later, wife stealer!
Shut up! I can't hear!
" Dear friends..."
One thing, I didn't write this.
I just gave the broad outline.
It's a bit formal,
but don't be alarmed.
Focus on the main points.
This is way over my head!
Mine too, but it doesn't matter.
Look serious and you'll be fine.
" Dear friends..."
You see, "friends" .
I never set foot here.
There's no friendship
between you and me.
If he asks me something,
I've had it!
If you don't understand you say...
Will you shut up?
Go on, Sire,
You big boot-licker!
" Dear friends..."
I don't like it, I can't deny it.
I'll carry on,
but I wish I'd read it through first.
Your speech is total crap!
"Since Arthur is an enemy of the Grail,
"should we not fight Arthur?"
There was another "friends" ,
but I left it out. They're everywhere.
Do I have to fight Arthur now?
I don't understand a word.
I keep myself awake
by giving him different hairstyles.
Listen, or you won't know
what he said!
Do I have to lose my temper?
This speech is such crap!
So, our son has teamed up
with a traitor.
Not exactly.
Orcania is on Lancelot's side.
Orcania's full of idiots,
starting with Lot,
the King of the idiots,
Gawain's father.
Is Gawain on his father's side?
He's on no one's side.
He's clueless.
But seeing who his father is,
he has to make a choice.
He either renounces Lot or Arthur?
His father or his uncle.
What will he do?
Faint probably.
He can't even count up to .
He'll never work this one out.
What's wrong?
If we stick to the agenda...
Out with it!
It's your nephew next.
Go on then!
Is this about me?
Brilliant! He says " nephew"
and you know it's you!
Simple deduction.
You know your father betrayed me.
- I didn't know it was so clear.
- Yes.
Crystal clear...
He's a real bastard!
Stop! No jibes, no remarks.
Your father betrayed me.
He gave Lancelot men,
including Galessin of Orcania,
who has, of course,
left the Round Table,
to Yvain's benefit.
Now, we think the Orcanians are all...
Sons of b*tches!
Not sons of b*tches...
They've chosen their side,
we'll see who was right.
No, the bitch in Orcania
is my sister.
The Queen. Your mother.
But you knew that.
- I didn't know it was so clear.
-Yes.
So, whose side are you on?
Whose side?
Either you're with me
and against your father,
or with your father against me.
Maybe you should confront
your nephew
somewhere more private.
We're daunting him.
Would you rather talk in private?
I see no problem with that.
So, we don't waste him yet?
Because I'd...
It doesn't matter.
I'm well aware
it's not an easy choice.
We have to know what to do.
They're trying to trick you!
Uncle, you know how much I love you.
- You're like a father to me.
- A father?
Perhaps not a father?
Someone in my family.
An uncle?
Exactly. Like an uncle.
So is it your father or your uncle?
There's trickery in the air!
Why choose?
I can tell you what my father's doing,
then go and tell my father about you!
Yeah!
You can be a bi-mole.
He wanted to know about our troops
and where our watchtowers are.
We're in trouble now.
But wasn't Orcania one of your allies?
Yeah...
And one little betrayal changed that?
See? He isn't here.
Who was right?
Yours truly.
That's enough.
It's handy for you, though.
It's not my fault Caius isn't here.
You know he's never here.
Which is fine because,
what we've got to say,
you daren't tell him to his face.
That's rubbish!
- You dare tell him?
- Absolutely.
I don't know how you can do it.
I couldn't.
How are you going to put it?
I'll tell him what we said.
We're thinking
of reconsidering the Roman camp...
That makes it really clear!
" Looking at reconsidering..."
Do I just say
we're going to demolish the camp?
If you've got the guts, yes.
OK, I'll tell him.
I don't know how you can do it.
I couldn't.
- It's me!
- Come in.
- Giving the Roman salute now?
- Did I?
You bet!
It's a*t*matic.
Old habits die hard?
One of the things I miss most
is eating like this.
Sitting on a throne,
I find it much harder to digest.
When I'm being the Lord
in my dump,
I always chow down in bed.
I'd take it home,
but you'd say I wasn't adapting.
If you're clear in your mind
that you're a Briton now,
you can take anything you want.
I'll see.
Hey! Break out the grapes!
- Who are you talking to?
- A minion.
- Don't sulk.
- I didn't say a thing.
You were about to!
Touchy!
I thought you were the last Roman
on the island!
So did I, but he was here.
He got lost on patrol.
When he came back
everyone had gone.
So, here he is.
He cleans a bit but he's pretty dim.
Yeah.
It's odd, an empty camp.
I don't miss the squaddie stuff,
but it's a bit depressing.
Don't you think...
What?
Is there any point keeping this big
old empty place on?
What else will you do?
Demolish it?
Yes.
That sounds good.
You're not going to start crying!
What harm's it doing? It's empty!
Not that empty.
I told my people
we were free from Roman oppression.
Roman oppression!
We weren't nasty to you!
You said, "we" !
You still think you're Roman!
You just gave the Roman salute,
so button it!
It's coming down!
It'll stop you living here.
I live in my crappy house,
knee-deep in chicken sh*t! OK?
Demolish it, but not now.
We'll leave it a bit longer, OK?
For the last time, don't go!
Can't you see it's a trap?
They asked to see me.
Leave me alone.
I'm supposed to ensure your safety!
You're supposed to obey my orders!
Get off my back!
Let me go with you.
No, it's fine.
I'll be back before dark.
But,
if I'm not back by ,
send someone out.
You are worried!
If you don't let me come...
- What?
- Well...
It'll be really mean of you.
Sire! Don't go!
- Why not?
- Because it stinks!
It's got the hallmarks of a trap.
What can happen in a public place?
tramps won't stop them k*lling you!
There are easier ways of doing it
than arranging a secret meeting
in an inn!
I know about playing dirty
and I tell you,
this stinks to high heaven!
That's odd. You arranged it.
Arranged...?
The meeting, yes.
But once you're sitting down...!
- Shall we go?
- Yes...
I was just thinking...
Why don't you go without me?
I don't want to get in the way
if there's an ambush.
Don't we have to give a password?
- I'll tell you it.
- Don't you have to give it?
It doesn't matter.
We stick to the plan,
or they'll think its odd.
You go on ahead.
I'll follow in mins
and I won't trip you up.
- I was thinking...
- Can't you walk as well?
Since it's probably a trap
and mostly aimed at you,
is there any point in my dying
just because I'm with you?
Heard the word "Chivalry"?
- Vaguely. I'm not a knight.
-"Sacrifice"?
I've never tried it.
Here's a great opportunity.
That walk was endless!
Constantly turning round
made it much longer.
I'm sorry if I'm vigilant.
Now's the moment for it.
Go and announce me.
But if I go in on my own,
they'll think I didn't bring you!
Wasn't the plan that you went in
with the password?
- So?
- What if they've forgotten?
I can k*ll you just as easily
as they could!
Wait!
- I'll go first.
- Why?
It's safer. I'll say the password
and come back.
- But that's...
- Hide in the bushes!
It's all right. You can go.
I'm going to be late!
How far is the inn? mins?
if we get a move on!
Sorry lads,
but those are my orders!
No one from Kaamelott until sunset.
We heard something was up.
We asked but we were sent packing!
So we came to see for ourselves.
If you know anything...
They made a big deal about it!
The centre table's reserved
and the ones around it
have got to stay empty.
The whole thing's crazy!
And no one from Kaamelott...
Until sunset.
Go now or you'll get me into trouble.
We'll be back at sunset
to get the scoop.
It's because we're from Kaamelott.
If we were like the other alkies,
we wouldn't budge!
I've known guys like you,
who set off alone to find the Grail.
They came back
with their tails between their legs.
You've known losers.
I've known all sorts.
Do you see me hunting wizards
with a big Grail tattooed on my arm?
You're right.
I couldn't bear to fail.
Then don't go on your own.
I do what I do best.
You do what you do best.
King of Britain.
Has that never tempted you?
What do you do?
Oversee those wasters.
Explain the same things times a week?
That's part of it.
Great. Is that your life?
No.
My wife's left me...
- Still no heir...
- A guy told me,
a real Knight owns nothing
that he couldn't leave in seconds.
So you have nothing?
I have my wife.
And would you leave her
in seconds?
- Just like that?
- Those are the rules.
And your life's worth more than mine?
Maybe we should do something else.
- I wouldn't know how.
- Nor would I.
- I wouldn't want to.
- Nor would I.
You know,
here we both are having a drink
like normal jerks.
What happens the day
I have to k*ll you?
It won't make me happy.
But between you and the Grail,
the light for all the people,
I wouldn't hesitate.
There's another side to this.
If we find the Grail
and you try to share it
with your shifty puppet Knights,
I'll k*ll you right away.
And it won't make me happy either.
Landlord!
Guess who!
You missed them by minutes.
We saw.
You took us for plonkers!
Don't play the wise guy!
We saw them come out.
We were hiding.
Arthur and Lancelot.
What a surprise!
What do you mean?
Lancelot, OK.
But isn't Arthur from Kaamelott?
It's all right for some.
You're the plonker now!
We're going to report you.
The innkeeper doesn't obey orders!
How stupid!
He'll have to close the inn!
Did you light the beacon?
No, that's not what's burning.
It's coming from somewhere.
- Sir Yvain!
- Knight of the Lion.
Sir Yvain, Knight of the Lion, look!
The forest's on fire!
Do we raise the alarm
if there's a fire?
- Light a fire to signal a fire?
- Yes.
I just set fire to his tool shed.
And I set fire to his dung shed.
Then the two fires became one...
The wind got up and it spread.
Half the forest's gone up in smoke!
Thank God it started raining!
I've been telling you to wise up
for years, to no avail!
Now you're burning forests!
It's over.
We're calling it a day.
We're taking away your land.
Wait! We made up!
I've even...
invited him to dinner
at my place tonight!
- What?
- Yes!
- He invited me.
- The fire's set things straight.
We've realized certain things.
We'll try to be good.
I'll give you one last chance.
If I find out you've been arguing,
or that you raised your voices
during your meal,
I'll take your land away.
- Shall I bring the wine?
- That sh*t...?
If you'd care to.
I hear it's excellent.
- Am I too early?
- Please, come in!
- I'll make everything dirty.
- No, come on in.
I brought you some chard.
You shouldn't have. Too kind!
Sit down!
I haven't been here for ages.
You've made the place lovely!
Well done!
It's characterful!
It reflects your personality!
Too kind!
It's bit by bit.
I don't have your patience.
I'm in awe of the meticulous care
you've taken with your barn door.
You've got golden hands!
But it's taken ages!
I should be like you.
If I didn't fix things all winter,
I'd sow my crops on time.
Walking past your cherry orchard
this morning,
I said,
" My God, what a gift he's got
with fruit trees!"
No kidding!
You've got a real talent for it!
I'm sure you know that already!
But by mid-season,
they're as dry as a slap in the face!
You were smart enough
to create some shade.
It's your wall that creates the shade.
I put it up without asking you.
Quite right.
We'd get nothing done
if we asked permission first!
Walls go up, walls come down.
I can always take
the sledgehammer to it.
I can always help
and take the hammer to you too!
Not being nasty...
Good job you brought some bottles!
We weren't initially
going to come and visit you.
We decided at the last moment.
I'm sure you did.
If I'd seen you in the guest book,
I'd have remembered.
We heard some delightful news.
We only just heard,
but we're far away in Tintagel!
Not far enough!
We'd have been here earlier,
but your aunt wanted to make you
something.
It's nothing!
But I was sure you'd like it.
Strawberry jam.
She made it herself!
The cooks didn't do it!
I remembered during your last stay
at Tintagel,
you sat in a corner
and ate a whole pot of jam!
My last stay at Tintagel?
Aren't you impressed
by your aunt's kindness?
Not as much as by her memory.
Didn't I last stay at Tintagel
years ago?
Around about that!
You were so small and shy!
After whacks of the stick!
Kids scare so easily!
You must have been naughty.
- I ate a pot of jam!
- That's right!
Eating this will be your revenge.
I'd really need a stick for that,
but it could get nasty.
We came to express our happiness.
What an effect the news had on us!
We're so used to
your dreadful behaviour!
Every message we got
recounted some new act of stupidity.
But then... We were so happy!
To what news do I owe the honour?
Your wife-swap!
It's certainly one of your wilder ideas!
When we read, "swapped wives",
at first we were outraged.
We called you names,
such as " Dickhead" !
Then we saw the Lady's name.
Well done!
The High Society of Vannes!
The upper crust!
At last a little prestige!
Even if she has children
from her first marriage.
You know Mevanwi?
Not as such,
but the line of Vannian dignitaries.
It caused quite a scandal,
when she married whoever he was...
Some moron.
- He came on here.
- Caradoc of Vannes.
Yet another country-bumpkin's son
you ennobled!
We laughed and said,
your Round Table is almost
entirely composed of losers!
Your Guinevere
was a silly goose.
That's chieftains' daughters for you.
Cameliard used to be
a den of down-and-outs!
Now, with your Federation,
they think they're kings and princesses.
But the Goustans and Leodegrances
are all idiots!
For once, I find it hard to disagree.
Caradoc! What is it?
Help me!
Good God, Caradoc! Shut up!
What's going on?
The ghosts want to k*ll me!
Aren't you pushing this a bit far?
If you're afraid,
why blow out the candle?
I'm afraid of fire too!
I'm sorry I got you up.
It doesn't matter. Try and sleep.
Were you with Mevanwi?
Yes.
You're lucky.
Come on, Caradoc.
We swapped wives weeks ago.
Don't start getting jealous now!
I'm not. You're lucky.
You've company in bed.
I can't get your wife...
I mean, my wife, back here.
I know.
I've a confession.
When we did the swap,
I knew getting her back would be hard.
I agreed in full watering technique.
Except...
- What?
- What is it?
- In full what?
- Watering technique.
When you know the score.
In full knowledge of the facts?
I said yes in full knowledge
of the facts.
But I didn't think
it would be as hard as this.
Lancelot's a real assh*le.
He is rather special.
To be honest,
it was pride made me
want to get her back.
I said, " My wife's no business
with that git."
But I wondered how we'd get on.
Would she give me sh*t
about my diet?
There's one thing I take seriously:
my food.
You astonish me!
I was a bit comprehensive.
- Apprehensive.
- Yes.
But now it's different.
Now I really want to bring her back.
Not to show off
but because she's not happy.
Over there?
No, she's not happy.
I wouldn't be surprised
if she was being held there by force.
- Really?
- That's the feeling I get.
I hate it that I can't do anything
for her.
She is my wife after all!
I'm really sorry, Caradoc.
Genuinely.
About your night frights...
Shall I find someone
to sleep with you?
Just for tonight?
It won't be like your new or old wife
but it might comfort you?
You mean, you're going?
I need to sleep.
I have to get up tomorrow.
- I'll find someone, but not to...
- What?
Just to sleep with.
- Not to...
- What?
- You know what I mean.
- No.
Now you'll be fine.
He doesn't speak the lingo.
He knows some Latin...
I know some Latin. Cave canem.
That's " Beware of the dog" .
He won't get that.
I said to stay until you were asleep.
Thank you, Sire.
You're welcome.
How do you feel about boys?
What do you mean?
I mean,
are you birds all the way or...
The lad's in a tight spot otherwise.
I don't understand.
Do you like to fool around with boys?
No! It's bad enough with girls!
Open up!
Open up, Caius, it's us!
- Us who?
- Us! Me!
Arthur!
Open the bloody door!
Come in, it's open!
It's not!
- It's open!
- No, it's closed!
- No!
- Yes!
It has to be open.
It doesn't shut!
I don't bloody care! Open it!
We can't do it! Hurry up!
It's o-pen!
It's clo-sed.
Do you want a fight about it?
Our hands are full, assh*le!
It's as if it's closed for us
even if it's open!
sh*t! Britain sucks!
What the...?
Put him down.
What happened?
- We were att*cked.
- I've been savagely wounded.
Who att*cked you?
Highwaymen. They set on us
as we left the path.
They got their comeuppance!
Have I been savagely wounded?
Did you get the guys or not?
Of course! They were tramps.
One only had one leg!
But somehow or other,
he got hit!
I'm too savagely wounded!
It's incredible!
It happened right here?
I use that path every day.
You mean the hobos
by the forest edge?
That's them.
Are you kidding me?
They can hardly stand!
Shout and their teeth fall out!
That's them.
They're always drunk!
One's missing a leg.
That's what we told you.
But one managed to hit him...
With a savage ferocity!
Which one was it?
The one with one leg.
I'm not surprised though.
He was the meanest.
Like he was getting revenge
for his leg,
with such ferocious savagery!
It's fine.
There's barely a scratch!
You were screaming for that?
It was pissing blood!
It's stopped now!
Shall I put something on it?
No, I'd rather let it breathe.
Let it breathe while you walk.
Get up.
I can't.
It'll start pissing again.
I've really had enough of this.
Life stings too much,
it stings and throbs
and stings again...
I don't know how you did it!
I can outpace those tramps
by walking fast.
I saw a strawberry bush.
He was doing his business behind it.
Is it a hereditary wound?
Hereditary?
What are you on about?
When someone
gives someone else a cold.
Contagious.
Same thing. Is it?
Is it what?
We don't understand you.
The guy who hit me had one leg.
Could it be hereditary?
Contagious.
I'm going to lose my leg!
No, you're not, cretin!
But you deserve a thrashing.
A one-legged guy
wounds me in the leg.
What a coincidence!
Good King Arthur is a big fairy...
Fly away, fairy fly...
Is a big fairy!
Like my little intro?
I thought it would be a change!
You think it's different?
It's the same principle, I agree.
Come on you big poof,
get dolled up!
I don't feel like it.
I don't care what you feel like.
Get downstairs!
You're going to get a b*ating!
No, I'm not joining in.
I'm not in the mood.
I won't keep on saying this!
What counts in training
is regularity.
We'll regularize next time.
Do it without me.
It's because
I don't put enough guts into it.
I'm not sleeping well
at the moment.
I'll try again.
You're going to get
your willy sharpened to a point!
It's no good. Sorry.
It must be the heat.
I can't get to sleep.
- We'll do this later.
- No.
I'm your arms master.
I have a job to do.
On guard! You stupid jerk!
It's no good, I'm sorry.
I never touch a drop of alcohol,
never go to bed after midnight.
- Never have a thing wrong.
- Good.
It's good...
for the body, but the mind?
- What do you do for the mind?
- Me? Nothing.
You're looking at a guy
who eulogizes over Stonehenge!
Last time I was there,
I said something like,
"See this, you can die happy!"
That's fine.
Stonehenge is very nice.
I'm not saying it isn't.
But you're not going to die happy
because you've seen stones
stuck in a field in a circle!
Specially since...
it was windy, it was wet,
I was up to my knees in mud
and I was all,
"See this once..."
It's ball-breakingly pathetic!
You're just an optimist,
arms master!
I've had enough.
Come on, Sire.
Let's get ourselves feet
of grilled sausage
and a keg of plonk each!
And then...
we might get some girls!
Live a little!
Quite. Now...
Sausage and girls at a.m.?
I'm not sure...
Try, Sire!
You can see I'm not myself!
Do some training.
Call me whatever you like...
Maybe it'll help!
All right!
On guard, you little...
Poofter?
I'm sorry but it's no good.
Look at you.
Inflexibility's not an end in itself.
If you have to change wife,
you change wife.
Or shelve the quest for the Grail.
Shelve the Grail?
What with your women and Lancelot,
you've no time for it.
But you're not bothered.
You're not depressed.
Do you still feel like some sausage?
Nice to see you!
Must you always keep me waiting?
I was busy.
When I ask,
you drop everything and come!
Don't you get it?
You're under my heel!
I come from the forest.
I don't need you.
I could live in a hut and eat roots!
- Watch it!
- You want to clear off?
I said I could if I wanted to,
so watch your lip!
You come when I call,
or I'll boot you back to the forest!
All right!
What did you want me for?
Do you know how to enchant objects?
What?
Enchant objects.
That can't be the term.
- What do you want to do?
- Enchant an object.
That's enchantment of objects.
I could go and live in a hut!
Shut up and listen.
It's possible.
I read it somewhere.
I want to make some big panels.
Some fabric stretched over
a wooden frame.
And enchant it
so I can hide behind it.
The wood's OK,
but fabric's dodgy.
- Why?
- Durability.
- In relation to what?
- The wood.
Treat wood and it won't let you down.
Once fabric's worn you've had it.
I don't care...
We'll see how to make them later.
Can you enchant the panels
so I can hide behind them?
So, you go behind the panel -
either wood or fabric -
and disappear from view.
No need to enchant them.
Of course there is!
No.
You make some panels,
treat the frames
so they don't swell in the rain.
Wood's a living matter.
Then cover the frames with fabric,
or a panel of wood,
like a kind of floor.
Then it's all wood.
Then you've got your panels.
Let's say this is my panel.
Look.
If I go behind it, I disappear!
I want to see what's behind the panel.
Behind what?
The panel.
I want to see through the panel.
You don't need to enchant it!
Make the frame,
treat your wood or it won't last
and put nothing on it.
Leave it open
and you can see what's behind...
You can see through it,
but when I go behind it
you don't see me!
So when I'm carrying the panel,
you don't see me or the panel
but what's behind it.
You just see my fingertips.
But what's the point?
I'll be invisible.
Wouldn't you rather be invisible
yourself?
Yes, but you can't do that!
So enchant an object!
I can't do that either.
But I can treat the frames for you.
We were leagues
from the border
and we saw two yokels
beside the road,
floundering around in the mud.
And the guys
watched me go by
with eyes like this!
They looked like halfwits!
I said, "What do they want?"
I stopped and said,
if they wanted my portrait,
I'd give them a closer look!
I can't quite remember how I put it.
That's when they said,
"Aren't you Sir Leodegrance?"
I said, "Yes, so what?"
Then one says,
"We thought you'd passed away."
Dead!
So I get mad,
give them a thrashing and off we go.
When we get to Cameliard...
The village is in mourning!
They're preparing my funeral!
Nice, don't you think?
We're getting lots of letters
of condolence.
I think this phenomenon is...
Everyone thinks you're dead.
Quite a few people are saying
they're happy too.
The main gate was left unguarded
for more than a day!
We didn't know it mattered.
We saw next to no one all week.
If I set you to guard the main gate,
you guard the main gate!
What if someone
had tried to inv*de us?
I'm really sorry, uncle.
If you have to follow orders exactly,
it's not worth it.
Where were you all this time?
- We were on a mission.
- In the villages!
- You had no mission.
- Apart from the main gate!
It was our own one.
A self-stipulated mission.
Of what exactly did it consist?
We visited all the local bars
to get to know the people.
And we changed our nicknames.
Changed your nicknames?
I've nothing noted down!
We haven't settled on them yet.
We wanted to get people's reaction.
It was mostly positive.
What are these nicknames?
Aren't you The Knight of the Lion?
No, I'm that now!
I'm The Orphan of Cameliard.
I think it's wicked!
The Orphan of Cameliard?
Since when were you an orphan?
I wanted it to be an animal.
It ties in with a previous mission.
With the fakir.
I remembered the animals
with the trunks.
- The elephants?
- No, orphans.
sh*t, yes.
That's it! It's elephants.
Aren't they the same?
They're the same family.
That's it.
I'll give you a funeral! A big one!
Officers in uniform, trumpets...!
You nitwits!
You deserve I don't know what!
I'll make sure they get it.
It wasn't my fault.
I'll be Knight of the Lion again.
Knight of my arse!
You must try and calm down.
Is it really that serious?
No! In Cameliard,
they're fighting over who'll replace me.
People think we're ghosts!
They throw stones at us!
I'll send round an erratum.
In days,
everyone will know you're alive.
There are going to be
a few long faces.
You're here?
I've been looking for you all day.
I was arrested!
They caught me last night!
I told you not to go out!
I was hungry.
I went to get some bread.
I waited till a.m.
so I wouldn't meet anyone.
Caradoc's always in the kitchen at .
You said it was !
And also at .
I said not to leave your room!
I get claustrophobic there!
And you don't here?
I hadn't thought about it!
I told you not to!
If you need something, ask!
Sometimes you go to bed
without looking in on me!
I come when I can!
I've other things to do!
Will you release me?
Yes... No.
It's not as easy as that.
Why not?
People think you're a tramp.
Can't you release a tramp?
I don't usually deal with tramps.
People might ask questions.
I have to stay chained up?
- I'm thinking!
- About what?
You can free whoever you want!
But if I set you free,
you'll be taken and thrown out!
They won't just leave you!
I'll have to sneak you in again.
I've got other things to do!
I have to set you free
without your being thrown out.
Dead easy!
Say you were passing...
That's pretty unlikely.
- Why?
- I never come here.
But I'd looked everywhere else!
You'll find a reason.
Then you see the guard
and say you've seen me
and you want him to release me
because you want to...
Then I can stay in the castle!
Because I want to...?
You understand!
It's got to be slightly credible!
Don't push it!
Have you seen yourself?
All right, I'll tell the guard,
I'll say, "Hello,
" I was passing the dungeons..."
which is already iffy enough,
and seeing you I thought,
I think I'll set that one free.
Don't say you've never done it!
Taken advantage of a prisoner.
No, I've never taken advantage
of a prisoner!
My birds are washed
and well-dressed!
I don't get them from the dungeons!
Leave me to rot then.
I didn't say that!
It's not easy, that's all!
Washed and well-dressed
is dead easy!
I happened to be passing.
It can happen!
And, in passing,
I, quite logically,
came across this woman.
It was a cause and effect thing.
God knows,
I'm not the type to hit on prisoners!
But one can't be bound by principals.
Set her free.
But, don't throw her out,
permitting me to get her washed
and lend her clothes...
And, who knows,
something might develop...
Come on! A noble gesture!
We said no! No, no!
It's in the bag! Zero risk!
There's no such thing.
- You said so.
- It's a golden opportunity!
You could get rich with one fight!
We don't like dogfights!
- All that v*olence makes us puke!
- Me too!
There won't be time for v*olence!
I've found the ultimate destroyer!
We open the cage,
count to and it's over!
The other mutt's snapped up,
wolfed down and digested!
The answer's no.
Turning down a chance like this
is denying your intelligence!
Sir Percival, let me tell you
about my champion.
We're not interested!
Leave us alone!
I'm telling you,
you're being completely unfair.
I've won you a tidy sum in the past.
And lost us twice as much!
- Don't forget.
- It's not the money.
We don't like fights or dogs!
Leave us to eat, will you?
Do it for the dog if not for me!
We told you, we don't like dogs!
We don't know your dog!
That's easy to remedy.
Look out!
The bête noire of the kennels!
The canine Armageddon!
- What kind of dog's that?
- He's weird.
His name's Chinkiz.
If the other dogs hear his name
they'll sh*t their pants.
I may not be an animal specialist,
but isn't he rather ferret-like?
- Same family, maybe?
- That's the beauty of it!
Tonight the guys will say,
"That dog looks like a ferret."
But no, gentlemen!
It is a ferret!
And a first class ferret too!
- Are you nuts?
- You want us to bet on that?
Look at him.
Look him in the eye
and say you don't see it.
Chinkiz is a ferret,
with a ferret's best qualities.
He's good,
obedient, affectionate...
A cute bundle of fluff...
Until he meets a dog.
Then, in a second,
he becomes a harbinger of death.
I'll be quiet now
and let Chinkiz commune
with the dark side
while I take your bets.
If you don't do it for you,
do it for the other dog,
so he doesn't suffer in vain.
Prostrate yourself
before Attila the chinchilla
and say bye-bye to your doggie.
Chinchillas are his playthings!
He tortures them
before he bumps them off!
Attila's speciality
is swallowing ferrets whole!
I daren't let him go.
I'm afraid he'll go for you!
Shady traders are his thing!
Mine will eat you whole.
Three..
Two...
One!
There you are!
What are you doing here?
I've got a job on, Mr. Elias!
Some sucker's ordered something?
No sucker!
The King in person!
So make room
and share the ingredients.
I'll lend you a spade to make mud pies!
I'll smack you in the face with it!
If you want ingredients...
Catch!
May I know what he ordered?
Some Concealment Panels.
What's so funny?
You're going to make
Concealment Panels?
Exactly!
Frankly, I don't see the difficulty!
There isn't one
if you have a clue about magic!
Do you think I lack the skill
to make Concealment Panels?
You lack the skill
to make a pancake!
Imagining you
making Concealment Panels
is too funny for words!
The King places his trust in you.
You should try to please him!
You want me to make the Panels?
I can do it on my own.
The chassis at least.
- What chassis?
- For making the frames!
Magic's all very fine
but there's a lot of DIY involved.
Frames have to be made,
with right-angles!
You don't suck at magic.
You suck at everything,
including DIY.
I'll prepare some perfect frames!
Impeccable!
You enchant them and the job's done.
Me? You've got a nerve!
You want to make the frames too!
You want it all? All right!
Do it all! What can I say?
But don't try to turn it
to your advantage.
Make them if it makes you happy.
But it's my project!
I won't do a thing.
You sort it out!
Please, pretty please...
It's more fun with two.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Nothing?
- You're not allowed in my tent!
- I was looking for something.
- What?
- Your panels.
- What panels?
- Your Concealment Panels.
You made them?
I did them with Elias.
I see. So you've got them.
Yes, but you can't see them.
That's the idea.
I can't remember where I put them!
Can you help me?
You really are a plonker!
I might have put them down outside.
It'll be easy to find them there!
We'll get the army to sweep the area!
I've got them!
No, it was the shelf!
" ...until the end of the ceremony.
The swapped wives
should be dressed..."
Are you taking the piss?
You've been on at me to read
to you all day.
- Now you're nodding off!
- I'm sorry.
It's hardly riveting.
Legal documents seldom are.
Go on. I'll concentrate.
Can't someone else do this?
No. Go on.
"The swapped wives should be..."
I've got to find something!
It'll take hours without you!
Hours?
You don't know how to read!
I'll have to learn to read
and then come back.
Won't you tell me
what you're looking for?
When Arthur and I swapped wives,
I let him take me for a sucker.
I gave him my wife
and he "virtually" gave me his.
Back then, I didn't know
what virtually meant.
- Now you do.
- No, but I don't care.
He said, "She's yours.
Go and get her from Lancelot."
Being nice, I said OK.
He said, "It won't be easy."
I've tried several times.
It's not hard to get her back,
it's totally bloody stinking impossible!
So what are you going to do?
I want it the way it was.
My wife, my ex-wife,
may be less prestigious,
but she doesn't live hours away
with another guy!
So why have I been reading
about Vannian law to you?
We have to find a way
to annul the swap.
Like the fact
that he didn't bring his wife along.
Let's see if that annuls it!
Of course it does!
How do you know?
I read you that bit hours ago.
The whole chapter on annulment.
I was asleep!
I've endured hours of this book
for nothing?
Are you sure?
- It definitely annuls it?
- I told you!
I won't look stupid?
You might,
but for other reasons.
That I can cope with.
There are laws
which are there to be used.
So, open up your ears.
Father Blase will read about annulment.
- No.
- What?
No, I won't read it.
Why not?
Because it'll take months to find it.
If I'd known what I was looking for,
I'd have marked the page.
Tell me. I'll believe you.
If a wife isn't at the exchange,
it can be annulled
if one of the husbands requests it.
There you are! I'm requesting it.
An annulment?
Exactly. It's the law.
You have to request it at the time.
It's too late now.
All right.
All right, we'll annul it.
I'll give you back Mevanwi.
It may seem ruthless,
but push me too far
and you get the whole judicial machine
in your face!
Come on!
No dawdling today!
Why not?
It's the Grievance Session!
Come on! If we don't sort it today,
we've had it!
So you're doing it with me?
What?
Bors was meant to help me.
He hasn't been following events.
Let him tend to the rose bushes.
You can't just come in
and change everything...
Let's not waste time talking.
I'm just doing my duty
as a monarch's wife.
Lying in bed till noon isn't my style.
My name's not Guinevere.
Another breakfast?
What?
Would you like all that again?
No, thank you.
I said I didn't want it.
This one's for your wife.
She's been up for ages
and she never takes breakfast.
- Must I say this every day?
- So, no breakfast then?
Will she want a second one?
What do you want?
The tray!
Finished already?
You've not eaten a thing.
This is my wife's tray.
Won't you have that
as your second one?
Or do you want a new one?
I don't believe it!
I'm surrounded by idiots!
What did I do to the Gods?
I'm not responsible
for your marital problems.
What?
You don't know how to ditch
your new wife.
It's making you edgy.
Eggs with the second tray?
But let's hear them out!
Grievance Sessions are for the people,
not knights.
We normally get to say things.
Today we're going to do things
properly.
How can it hurt?
There's no one here.
Then the session's over!
- But we're upset!
- Don't take us for idiots!
State your grievances
at the Round Table.
- We can't speak there either.
- We get cut off.
The King isn't exactly patient
when it comes to our friends.
The King must be reminded of the law.
Now get out!
Maybe you preferred the Queen
who did bugger all?
I wouldn't put it like that.
If being Queen's
about cake baking and household linen,
I don't see the point.
State affairs never interested
our good Guinevere.
She didn't understand them!
She wasn't concerned by them.
She never took that place.
How could she refuse the chance
to do something with her life?
It beats me!
I'm in charge of negotiations,
inside surveillance and some outposts.
If someone said,
" Now you're in charge
of cake baking and household linen."
I'd jump at the chance.
There's no one else. Let's go!
Are we going to sit here all day?
Sometimes people just turn up.
We normally wait until noon.
We don't wait for the people!
They should be waiting for us!
Some people come from far away
and get here late.
If we've gone,
they'll come back next time.
Here's someone.
Let's at least see...
You have no right to be here.
I can go wherever I want.
It's not easy to speak to you.
- Should I go?
- What do you think?
First of all, I love you.
Even the fact that you annoy me
doesn't change that.
I don't imagine you're talking to me...
Shut up. I want to hear
what's coming next.
The fact is,
I've no room for a relationship
like ours.
I'll admit, I probably used it
to avoid dealing
with a tricky situation.
The Grail, Sir Lancelot, Britain,
the people...
But the Gods aren't happy.
They don't like us being together.
They show it every day.
So we're going to call it a day.
I'm giving you up.
It's the best thing to do.
Don't hate me too much.
May I go now?
You wanted to see me?
It's nothing really.
- You wanted to see me for nothing?
- Actually...
Rumour has it that you've...
I don't know how to put it.
Me neither.
Given up your relationship
with Sir Caradoc's wife.
That got around fast!
It doesn't take much!
We're concerned
about your well-being.
- We who?
- Your mistresses.
I'm their spokeswoman.
Well I never...
You must be upset.
Breaking up is never easy.
I'm coping.
What can I do for you?
It's more what we can do for you?
To stop you getting embroiled
with another Knight's wife
you're then forced to leave.
Your ex-wife's the same:
a mass of complications.
I think it's time
you should have someone
dependable by your side.
- One of you.
- That's right.
We've been talking
and we've agreed it should be me.
- They sent you to tell me?
- It's a bit tricky.
I'm their spokeswoman,
but they don't know it yet.
If you insist, I'll come back to you.
That's a bit rich!
Who asked you?
Don't argue. I know Arthur dumped you.
What?
Of course. If you want to come back,
it's up to you to insist.
You wouldn't!
I would.
And don't think
you can take it easy like before!
You can come back,
but expect to see some changes!
- Hello, you!
- All right, Sire?
- I didn't know you fished.
- I don't.
You don't?
I don't like fishing.
I see.
Is it the rod?
Yes. It puts one in mind of fishing.
It's just a stick and some string.
A stick and some string?
And a stone to keep the line taught.
Because that's important?
Otherwise it's pointless.
I can't explain it. It's relaxing.
I've no problem with that.
Some drink, others swordfight,
I do this. I'm not hurting anyone.
Not even the fish.
I think about them.
The fish?
I wonder if I unsettle them.
- Unsettled fish?
- I don't know.
They might be offended.
They must say,
"He thinks we're stupid!"
Or that you know nothing
about fishing
and you're the stupid one!
Maybe.
But I don't come here for them.
It's just hello and goodbye.
Why do you come here?
I don't know.
You don't know?
Well I do.
I'm not sure I should tell you.
Suit yourself.
It's to be like you.
Like me?
Everyone knows you come here.
It's here you think about the Grail.
It's a magic lake.
It makes you understand things.
Is that true?
Sort of.
It's not only that, but...
There.
I thought I might give it a try.
What do you want to understand?
- The Grail?
- That or the Round Table. Anything.
Nothing makes sense to me.
The list's endless!
You know, the Grail...
I don't get it all either!
So I try and come here
and take stock from time to time.
Does it work?
Not necessarily.
Not always.
The rod helps me.
I picture the stone in the water.
I feel I'm part of a whole:
me, the stone, the string,
the lake, the sky...
It's whole. It's complete.
It's at these times
one understands things best.
- Do you think I'm stupid?
- No.
The fish probably do, though.
But fish are pretty stupid themselves.
- It doesn't count.
- No.
There's no... Forget it.
I just got the point of the rod!
Would you mind enlightening me?
It's pointless.
It alludes to our own purpose.
Man... faced with the absurd.
I thought you wouldn't be here.
I was thinking, "Who's that?"
I didn't know where you were,
I wondered, "Will he be there?"
- So I knocked.
- Shall we start work?
Where? In your bedroom?
They say that's not healthy.
Arthur's in the armoury.
The servants are tidying
the dining hall.
They won't open
the Round Table room.
There aren't many options.
The inn.
Fine.
We're too well known at the castle.
We can't concentrate.
It's Sir Percival here,
Sir Caradoc there...
- Life comes to a halt without us.
- That's right.
If nothing unexpected happens,
they get by.
But if there's a setback,
they've had it.
- Stop!
- What's going on?
You can't come in.
Is there a flood?
No, a leak. A cash leak.
- Money's missing?
- Money's owed.
- You're closed?
- To those who owe me most.
I did the accounts.
And believe it or not,
the tab you've run up
since you first came here
comes to more
than the value of the inn,
including the stock
and the land it stands on.
- Are you sure?
- It's a mistake.
There's no mistake.
Don't set foot here again
until you've paid everything,
down to the last penny!
I warn you, I'm adamant!
- That's right!
- You can't! It's criminal!
Let us in! Go on!
You're welcome...
When you've paid up!
In the meantime,
you can drink water
or start a slate over the road.
- I'm turning off the tap.
- What do we owe?
This will give you an idea
of the damage.
It's right...
Shove off
and come back
when you've found a cart
to carry what you owe me.
Hop it!
And I liked you too!
You've got a lot of guts.
Asking me to pay your drinking debts...
I hope if the King grants your request
this shameful episode
will be a lesson to you.
- Of course!
- We'll be careful now.
I won't always bail you out!
Otherwise it's too easy.
What am I reading?
Apparently it's what we owe.
How much?
He said years.
I'm sure if we put our backs into it,
we can pay it back in , maybe !
There's no harm in manual labour!
You meet people, learn things...
What do we do next? Wash the floor?
No, bedrooms first.
Great! I'll learn how to make beds.
Then I can make my own!
That reminds me,
I have to salt the cheese.
We're living like kings!
Will he let me work the bar?
It's for your own good.
I never thought otherwise.
Now you won't be tempted to leave.
I'll be back in days.
I've left some men to protect you,
feed you and take you...
- To pee, do you mean?
- That's it.
What fun we'll have
for the next days.
I'll return victorious
and cover you in glory!
After days tied to the bed,
I'll need it!
I can hear footsteps.
Maybe because we're walking.
Trust me. I've the ears of a bat!
You'd have to,
to hear non-existent footsteps!
We're not alone, that's all.
If we meet someone,
we just k*ll them.
If there are no more than ...
I could k*ll single-handed.
If you're scared go back
to your old croneys in Kaamelott.
- What are you doing here?
- What?
Were there footsteps or not?
Don't fight!
If you die, I'll never get out.
No rash moves.
We've no room to fight.
You've no business here.
I was tipped-off about this tunnel.
Venec told me about it.
It cost me gold pieces.
He told me too,
and it only cost .
One of us has to give up.
There's no room for us all.
You're ready to back down?
I thought you might.
Really? So what do we do?
We go back to our camps.
Whoever's bold enough
returns here tonight.
Get within your boundaries
and think hard.
If you're here tonight,
I'll k*ll you!
Use your time to reflect wisely.
If someone's here when I get back,
I'll destroy him.
Very good. Till tonight.
Till tonight.
- At last!
- I had to get there and back!
- So?
- No one.
I waited and waited. Nothing.
Not a hoof, and I hear everything.
Arthur chickened out!
It's strange though.
A coward surrounded by cowards
shrinks away from danger.
Maybe something came up
at Kaamelott.
Maybe he remembered
my superiority!
Devoid of courage,
but not of good sense,
he made way for the stronger man.
Have my horse made ready.
Our mission awaits.
I'm not your squire.
I said, " made ready" ,
not do it yourself.
Sorry.
Why sneak away?
You'll look like a wimp.
How long will it take
to complete the mission?
Exploring properly...
With no hitches...
days. with luck.
Lancelot will be in a cavern for days.
That means he won't be at his fort.
Have my horse made ready.
I'm not a squire...
He's talking to me.
- What are you laughing about?
- The Panels.
They're no good
unless you get behind them.
Yes, but look!
Are you making that noise?
You can't make a walking noise
without walking.
So, don't raise the alarm.
Raise the alarm!
Blow it, just to see.
I look stupid, don't I?
Yes, I look stupid.
I leave to be free
and end up tied down.
You find it funny.
No.
What will you do with me?
Do you still fancy
being Queen of Britain?
Like before?
I know it's not brilliant.
I'm tearing you away
from your dream life!
It didn't turn out the way I hoped.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
You won't regret it?
I regret it already.
Save your snogging for later,
we've got to get out of here fast!
I suppose she comes too?
I'm an added bonus.
What can you do?
Some days, you just luck out.
Wait!
What's wrong?
I need a break.
We haven't left yet!
I've been holding it in for ages!
We have to move.
What if Lancelot comes back?
You'll fight him. What can I say?
Wouldn't you rather stay here?
I don't know why I'm here.
I didn't betray Arthur!
It's not my fault Lancelot's
on my land.
You're involved.
- Two hundred percent.
- But why?
Because, in the first letter
I wrote Arthur
about overthrowing
his corrupt government
I quote you throughout.
- I even say it was your idea.
- Jeez!
I'm not taking the rap for everything!
It's lucky Lancelot
hasn't returned to his camp.
He won't accept Guinevere leaving...
Guinevere's gone?
Arthur took her back in a raid.
Our men got a b*ating!
Listen, I've a simple suggestion:
Lancelot's going crazy
while Arthur's getting back
on his feet.
Our coup d'État has failed.
We have to get back in with Arthur.
He won't forgive a coup d'État.
Attempted coup d'État.
It's not the same.
Dagonet and I won't go back
to the Round Table!
Maybe not the Round Table.
But you can avoid being quartered.
That's something.
Get our men out of Lancelot's camp.
And all the banners,
marked weapons and shields...
I want nothing Orcanian left in there.
Lancelot will come back
to nothing and no one.
It's a bit tough.
We backed the wrong cock.
We have to protect ourselves.
Victoriae mundis, et mundis lacrima.
It's meaningless but it sounds good.
In a flash, the camp was empty.
No soldiers, nothing.
- Did you see Lancelot?
- No, he never came back.
You mean...
- He doesn't know Guinevere's gone?
- No.
Where is he?
Everyone's wondering
if he isn't going a bit...
- Crazy?
- He thinks someone's spying on him.
That's what I pay you for.
He could be right.
Not me.
He talks about a guy in black
who watches him from the forest.
When I spy on him
I wear a green shirt...
I don't want to know about that.
So he's gone looking
for the guy in black.
There's no guy in black.
There's no one.
Sometimes Lancelot goes running off
after him like a madman.
And then he loses sight of him.
I think it's in his mind.
He might be starting to lose the plot.
Finding the camp empty
and Guinevere gone
won't help.
That's right.
At least it's a nice day.
- Help me. Stop talking!
- Druids appreciate nature.
Don't start bugging us.
Not on a day like today.
- We're having a bash!
- Don't make us bash you.
Will we be sentenced to death?
It would be logical.
But maybe Arthur's modern ideas,
which usually make us look stupid,
will act in our favour.
What can we do to help?
We'll write a nice letter.
We'll say sorry,
we lost our common sense.
We'll grovel.
If we had any dignity,
we'd really be in the sh*t.
- We are gathered...
- So you begin?
Quiet!
I don't believe it.
Please try and be serious.
It's a baptism!
We are gathered on the shores
of the Sacred Lake.
Praise the Holy Grail,
Excalibur and the late
Uther Pendragon.
Your turn.
You've said my bit already.
Carry on for heaven's sake!
This isn't what we planned!
We hadn't planned for me
to thump you!
Get a move on!
Guinevere!
Above our heads,
a crow has alighted on a branch.
In a few seconds, it'll fly away.
There.
The summer solstice has passed.
While others celebrate
the longest day of the year,
we secretly celebrate
the return of the long nights.
Get up.