We won't vote for it, Sallustius.
That's final!
This kid is already a centurion.
There's no way
we can justify his rank.
Who'd ask you to do that?
It's unheard of.
What if it does happen?
A snot-nose vigilante
promoted in half an hour.
It's hogwash.
We won't give an inch!
And you should demote that kid.
Enough!
You kicked barbarians up the ladder
when they wouldn't obey force!
That's different.
He's one of us. He already obeys!
Is that so?
What about Britain?
For weeks, you've been
nattering to us about Britain.
The barbarians we make generals
are already tribal chiefs.
Your brat is no Breton chieftain.
He is revered as a king!
What more do you wimps want,
for God's sake?
He hasn't got the sword!
We're no fools! He ain't got it!
He'll get the damned sword!
Is that all?
" He'll get it."
Where?
In your ass.
YEARS BEFORE KAAMELOTT
BOOK VI
That does it.
Their show's cancelled.
Prepare to switch from discussion
to disintegration.
- All four?
- Yes! All four.
A collective crash!
At once?
Won't someone notice?
I don't give a damn.
You can crucify them in the forum.
I'll pay the band.
Speaking of offing people...
If that Breton kid
did Rome a favour,
like getting rid of a troublemaker,
he'd earn a promotion, right?
Maybe.
Got any troublemakers in mind?
There are plenty.
Let's see...
Honestly,
I'd prefer to have him doing
the k*lling, not me!
Okay, I'll put up the dough.
And you?
Logistics.
Right. Don't be stingy now.
It has to impress them.
What'll that cost me?
Money doesn't grow
in cow's asses.
Secondly,
he's spurned money before,
the Breton.
It didn't impress him at all.
But I'm inviting him to Rome,
to see the city.
We'll dazzle him with grandeur.
And bang!
A lot of cash, besides.
How much is a lot?
- A lot.
- How much?
A lotta lot.
A lotta lot? That's too much.
Peace in Britain will pay off big,
idiot!
Come on! Trust me.
We'll become
benefactors!
No Arturus?
Too busy?
- Will you escape the lions?
- Hardly likely.
You can't be sure.
This morning,
they told me I have a week.
What?
Didn't I tell you?
Slipped my mind.
Can nothing be done?
One guy told me that
if you eat basil for three days,
the lions
turn their noses up at you.
I'll get some basil!
Why not?
I think it's bullshit.
You're too close.
To what?
Too close to the building!
Is there a rule about it?
From too close,
you don't see it right.
It's the same for you.
I don't see you right, either.
I'm getting a stiff neck from it.
I wish they'd show up,
so we can do business!
Congratulations, I say.
They can build the Colosseum,
but they can't subdue Britain.
Congratulations!
It's not the same people.
They're all Romans, right?
At home, I chop up any Roman
I meet. But here...
It's crawling with Romans.
Of course, it's impolite...
Right? But...
They're less annoying.
I can put up with them.
This is their turf!
They're a hell of a lot
more annoying in Britain!
True.
It depends on the context, you mean.
Sorry.
You see...
I thought you were expecting me,
so I came in.
It's okay.
Forgive me.
I spent a sleepless night.
I can come back tomorrow.
Aren't you sleepy?
I'm always sleepy, more or less.
So sleep.
Please, Father!
I want to go!
WALES
You've no companions!
KINGDOM OF LOGRES
So what?
So it's an excuse I just thought of,
ISLAND OF BRITAIN
this morning.
It's a good one.
Let the kid leave,
for cryin' out loud!
It's always the same song!
Maybe he'll find a companion
on the road.
Maybe. But who wants him to?
I want him
to find one without going outside
the goat pen.
I'm stuck in the goat pen now?
Dad's challenging you.
Your real goal, I think,
is to stimulate him.
Want to stimulate me?
Take hold of his father
and lock him in the pen
once and for all.
Forget the goats!
Father, come on!
I've packed my bag.
Granny fried me some fish
for the trip.
You're ruining everything!
Granny!
"Granny!"
Granny's had it up to here, kid!
I'll be glad to hit the road -
to escape you two!
Wait. I have another idea.
Listen closely to Dad, now.
That's right...
Every word a gem!
I give you my permission
to go seek adventure
without a companion,
but all the adventures must occur
within that goat pen!
- What crap!
- Listen, everyone.
you know what?
I found him a companion.
Me!
I'll go with him.
That's not a bad idea.
Yes, you may go seek adventure
with Granny.
Let's go!
Anybody home?
It's you.
No maid?
Where is she?
I don't know. I didn't see her.
Isn't Aconia here?
Sleeping.
What were you doing?
- Why?
- You were in the bedroom.
Well, yeah. I went looking for her.
The house was empty.
She's sleeping.
She gives you lessons?
Yes.
But she's sleeping.
So...
What did you learn today?
Greek philosophy?
A little.
Drama, mainly.
Pain in the ass.
- A little.
- I hate it.
What else, otherwise?
Roman history?
Roman history.
Starting with Cicero?
No... With the Tyrrhenians.
Really!
Way back then! The whole arc...
I'll be equipped.
I have a problem.
A big problem.
The senators can't stand you.
And I need their permission
to promote you.
They don't even know me.
It's a question of protocol.
Protocol?
You must accomplish
a m*llitary feat.
A m*llitary feat?
Fat chance.
I'm a city cop.
No battles on my b*at.
I know. But they walk the line,
like all fools.
So shall we forget it?
No. It'll be simpler to do the feat.
For whom?
An enemy chieftain is coming to Rome
shortly. An Ostrogoth.
State visit, feasting...
Here!
Here?
m*rder him here. Easy as pie.
Knock him off, however you want.
Bring in a team...
You want me to k*ll
an Ostrogoth chief.
Then I can kick you up the ladder,
no sweat.
You're totally mad!
I'll give you time to think,
before you decide.
- But it's the only solution.
- No.
I'm sure.
I'm not k*lling somebody
for a promotion. It's crazy!
It's up to you.
I've told you everything.
You have a day to think about it.
Tonight, if you...
if you agree,
you sign the peace treaty
and you go home with the cash!
As a bonus, we'll throw a party.
A rich folks' party.
Good food!
Pretty ladies!
If that doesn't go
against your customs.
- Usually, it's okay.
- Not now.
So we pick up the dough
at the banquet?
Yes.
And sign the peace treaty.
Explain one thing, please.
What's this about Romanization?
I'm not fond of the word.
Romanization?
You needn't worry about it at all.
It's just a small detail.
No worries.
But do go over it again, please.
Officially, you sign...
You become a bit Roman.
Nothing will change, for you.
You can continue...
eating your delicacies...
I don't know...
Maybe you have traditions...
Traditions...
Busting up Romans!
Yes, in a way.
True.
With some emotion, I propose a toast
to the memory of my late father,
who opened this tavern
exactly thirty years ago.
A round on the house!
The first one's on the house.
You pay next time.
Why couldn't he be your companion?
He's not an adventurer.
I don't know him!
We said we'd find somebody,
so we will.
Not the local drunk!
Not necessarily the drunk.
But fools have to take
what they can get!
Not him!
He's nice.
And attentive.
He listened to me carefully.
He did not! He's passed out.
We'll find another.
Since Mister Percival
hates his Granny!
Excuse my grandson. He thinks
you're no adventurer.
Look, he's sleeping. Like I said.
All right!
He's sleeping now.
But a minute ago, he wasn't!
It's crazy!
Accept the mission.
Enough.
I haven't even got used
to being a centurion.
But you'll be promoted.
It's not a promotion on merit.
If you accept the mission,
it'll be on merit.
It involves k*lling.
A barbarian chieftain.
No merit.
Rome thinks so.
Do it yourself, then.
Listen.
For the future, it's important...
May I come in?
I heard voices.
Right, that's because I...
was reciting poetry.
Women aren't allowed in.
I have a pass.
Come with me.
Where to?
I can't say. Come.
Stop arguing. Just come.
But why not tell me...
You wouldn't believe me.
Come. In full uniform, please.
I ask them for a drink, and they
give me this. They sure are odd.
You're pretty odd, too.
Booze is at the top
of your agenda.
I'm too hot!
Go soak your head.
We need wits.
Besides, they're a pain,
with their foul play.
We walked all morning.
My feet are numb.
Quit ranting and raving.
I swear!
What's so special?
I'm destabilized.
That's what's special.
That rotgut's going to steady you?
I'm talking with Romans!
- The Bretons will say...
- You're a tramp.
But a rich tramp!
Remember your father.
When Rome offered cash,
he took it!
That was different. It was at home.
These dumb Romans
want to pay us off twice.
Go for it!
As usual!
You bet! Shut up and act.
If I sign a truce here, I can't
go home and pretend I didn't.
No way.
Wait and see.
Wait for what? When?
Take the money.
That's all there is to it.
If you have second thoughts,
nothing wrong with that.
But first...
Act first, think later.
I know that already.
I'm upset.
Damn you!
This much!
Your Tranquillity?
Centurion Arturus.
Your Tranquillity?
Centurion Arturus.
You may go in.
Sit down opposite the bed,
and wait until he speaks to you.
All right?
I was told to impress you.
" Impress him!"
What a laugh.
How could I possibly impress him?
Know what?
They changed my shirt.
You must be wondering
"Who is this old fart
"who summoned me
"to talk shirts?"
Well, the old fart
has his head on every coin.
Imperator?
Imperator!
God, that feels good.
What a change from these fools:
"Your Tranquillity, this and that."
I'll say I'm tranquil:
in bed / ,
snoring,
eating stewed fruit...
Talk about stress-free!
Sit down.
Unless you're about to sing.
Urban police?
Yes.
And before that? The Legion?
Three years in Africa.
Which do you prefer?
The Legion, or the police?
The Legion, by far.
The urban police are useless,
I've always said.
I hear you're a skilled strategist.
Well, I read all about it.
Which books?
Everything you wrote.
My writings on strategy?
Total bullshit.
Come on.
Not bullshit, but...
But I copied half of it
from Sun Tzu.
- Who?
- A Chink.
Ages ago...
I'd raise a finger,
and , soldiers
would yell, " Imperator!"
Now, when I raise a finger,
they bring a bedpan.
Heroes don't age well.
But so do jackasses.
I'd rather be an old hero like you.
Not everybody writes books,
either.
Don't get pushed around.
- Meaning?
- I don't know.
Don't let them push you around.
That's an order.
What's the fuss?
That damned centurion...
What centurion?
He insists on coming in,
despite the guards.
It's okay!
Leave him alone.
Get the hell out of here! Now!
- So...
- I'm ready.
I'll do it.
But I'll pick my men.
You have to free Appius.
He's my man.
Sure.
If I succeed, he gets a pardon.
Or I don't do it.
Granted.
- Is that your Breton?
- Yes.
What's the plan?
Why do you care?
You can tell me.
The bastards!
- They'll screw it all up!
- If Arturus kills the Ostrogoth,
Sallustius promotes him!
Damn that Sallustius!
Him and his protege
are pissing me off!
Our plan looks silly now.
Hell!
Am I chief of security at the party
or not?
So?
My duty is to ensure the safety
of the guests, right?
Yes. So?
Sallustius's plots
are unknown to me.
Spit it out, already!
I shall forbid weapons
inside the villa.
I spat!
Everyone will be frisked.
I'll demand to see invitations.
How will Arturus
k*ll the Ostrogoth, then?
That's the point, numbskull!
Sallustius will be furious
you sabotaged him.
Screw him!
He should have let me in
on his plan!
What about me?
Will I have to k*ll the Ostrogoth?
- Warn me, at least.
- Shut up.
Shut up once and for all!
Exactly.
Keep your mouth shut.
Are you nuts?
Quick! Let's warn the others.
- Who?
- Quick!
Why?
- Have you been adventuring long?
- Three weeks.
- Have you been adventuring long?
- Three weeks.
Longer than you!
Greenhorn.
- I'm a beginner.
- So is he.
I do have three weeks' experience.
Are you ready to take a partner?
No problem. But I tend to confuse
partners and financiers.
Both are pastries, I know.
- What are you saying?
- I'm not going anywhere with him!
I'm fed up with you!
Fed up! I'm going to get a drink.
Because if I stay here,
I'll whap you!
Both!
You too.
That's the second judo expert
I've met in my travels.
What?
Your granny's a judoka, right?
Sorry, I must be mistaken.
But she moves like a praying mantis.
My orders are to search the house.
Fine, but not this room.
It's in the house.
Let me make this clear:
We lend rooms to the Palace
for its feasts, galas,
and other orgies and excesses.
But we only lend the atrium.
It goes from the door
to the stateroom.
From the peristyle on,
it's private property.
That includes the peristyle,
the master bedroom
and various rooms
which are off-limits to snoopers.
But I have orders from my superiors.
Your superiors
will have to change plans.
No one goes in those rooms.
And if I do?
You'll have to find another villa.
They say it's private. Let's go.
- Shall we forget it?
- Totally!
That's best.
You're not part of this!
I'm at the gate. And Procyon
will be bugging me all evening.
We don't need you. We have a pass.
Let's not go.
Do you plan to strangle him?
That would take way too long!
You could always brain him.
With what?
A statue or something!
- What?
- Brain him with a statue?
How should I know?
Count me out.
So?
Forget it, of course!
There are only three of you!
There are four of us.
Well!
Look who's here, to party!
Salute your officer, boy.
Ave, Titus Nipius Glaucia.
Ave, Arturus!
- What's that about?
- He's my superior now.
Rank is rank...
- Your turn.
- What?
Salute your officer.
Ave, Arturus.
But you should have saluted me.
Ave Aulus Milonius Procyon!
But we got here together.
- We have a shitload to salute.
- I don't know the names.
Shut up!
This is a private party.
Please f*ck off.
We're invited. Quite officially.
I know what's in there.
Without opening it? Amazing.
My competence tells me to check.
But you don't know how to read.
Put that somewhere safe.
Let us in.
- Changing plans.
- I have to frisk you.
Is this a joke?
No weapons allowed inside.
A security measure.
- We have no weapons.
- None.
We're checking anyway.
I have to.
I'll have you watched very closely.
Very, very closely.
- What, "what?"
- Got a problem?
He farted on me!
That's disrespectful.
- It was an accident.
- Sure.
Just quit.
Shut up!
Very, very closely!
I think he's the one in the middle.
You "think" it's him?
If you're mistaken...
I'm sure it's him.
Scatter.
Wait till Verinus gets here.
So far, so good.
- He's still alive.
- Who?
That chief dude. He's alive.
And he'd better stay that way,
you big lunk!
- Isn't the private part off limits?
- Not to him.
I must greet my preceptress.
His what?
Shouldn't you be guarding
your barbarian chief? There.
What are you schlepping?
You should have checked it
at the door.
Is that your business?
Don't start, you two.
Your reply wasn't very friendly.
Screw you! Like that better?
What's up?
Are you sick or something?
Leave me the hell alone!
It ruins the mood.
Screw the mood.
Get a load of her!
What a face!
Like an angel.
Think I stand a chance?
If you've got the money,
they've got the time.
They're not whores!
They're guests.
If they invited whores, sure.
I'd cuddle one of the boys,
but they look gnarly.
This one looks like
he's not in the mood.
I'm trying, without money.
Bad idea!
They're here for the barbarians.
Think so?
Look! He's not touching them.
Just wait.
Unless the chief prefers
our lovely queen of the night!
The queen of the night
packs a punch.
You guys are a pain.
What I look for in a woman
is her divine hypothesis.
A woman
represents the sacred.
She has the power to create life!
Of course, I like a roll in the hay,
too.
Is that wine?
I call that piss!
Piss it is!
Wish I'd brought my own.
These Roman bastards are nitwits.
Have a drop from my flask.
- Me, too.
- Me too!
No way.
The Ostrogoth's my buddy.
We deserve respect.
Respect, sure, but not this.
Bottoms up!
Then we'll go m*ssacre women!
m*ssacre women? Cool idea.
We'll gouge out puppies' eyes!
Fun city! Drink.
Let the good times roll. Drink.
Otherwise, how's life?
Still breaking face?
I'm trying to write my biography.
Biography!
Where's your Breton?
- He'll be here.
- When?
These coins are damned heavy!
Shut up. Do what I tell you.
I'm sick and tired of your schemes!
Well!
Here for a lesson?
I just came to say hello.
And to take a little break
from that crowd out there, I admit.
Sit down.
How come you were invited?
I have no idea.
Palace decision.
They don't usually
invite centurions.
Come in! I think...
- Come quick.
- A problem?
Yes.
Coming.
Who are you?
- My name, you mean?
- Never mind.
I'm Lucius Falerius. Ave!
- Need a hand?
- Maybe. See him?
He looks a bit unwell, doesn't he?
I'll say. I just poisoned his ass.
What? You're kidding!
Is he one of your pals?
But I was supposed to k*ll him.
For my promotion.
Me too.
I'm up for Dux Bellorum
in Byzantium.
Now what?
He can't k*ll him twice!
k*ll him a second time. That's it.
The plans stand.
- Slit a dead man's throat?
- He only just d*ed.
The senators
have to see.
Say we both did it.
I want my promotion, too.
I'll shout.
Why?
Your victim's gotta shout,
if you want it to look real.
Go ahead, then. But do the guys
have enough lemon juice?
Plenty!
I rounded up the best for you.
Selected for sourness!
Enough. Let's go.
I hope I didn't screw things up.
They fled by the back gate!
We've considered your proposal.
- We'll take the dough.
- Not now.
- Yes, we will.
- Right now.
If you don't mind.
What is this?
We can't sign a treaty here.
And we won't talk for hours.
Curfew!
- Let us through.
- Wait.
- We added a bonus.
- We take the bread, and don't sign.
Do something, nincompoop!
We'd better get started.
What about me?
Let me throw a punch.
In Britain. To the pier!
I got the dough!
- We cast off in minutes.
- Wait, now.
If we pay for the boat,
we choose when it sails.
CONTINENTAL KINGDOM OF LOGRES
Are you coming?
What do you want?
To talk to you.
I don't have time.
You never have time!
That's right.
Same story.
Also, please get your brother
to stop following me!
- I asked him to.
- Caradoc.
To keep you from hanging out
with chaps
- like that one.
- You are crazy.
If I do a good job,
I get cheese cubes.
This ret*rd must go,
or I'll ask Dad to k*ll him.
Here's the story:
The future king of Britain wants heroes.
He's found two.
Quest request!
Not you, certainly!
You bet!
We're sailing in an hour.
Bound for Hadrian's Wall!
- To kick Roman ass!
- Yas!
It'll be ready for the king.
He can sit on his throne.
That's the occupied zone.
She's worried
for her fiancé.
My fiancé!
- She's not a total bitch.
- I didn't say that. It's her looks.
No fair damsel, she.
Go ahead! Get pulverized.
- Wait.
- Are we leaving?
Listen.
I'll be sitting next to the king
someday. Get used to it.
'Cause you'll be my wife.
Time will tell. All right?
- You couldn't find a prettier girl?
- No, trust me.
- Let's go bust some Roman!
- Okay!
The water!
The hen!
Subtitles by Anita Conrade
DVD Subtitling: CNST, Montreal
Yes, Druid, a hundred times yes!
The nobles of Gaunes
will meet your challenge.
Not " my" challenge...
How many times
have I bestrode my horse
at the request of Uther Pendragon?
And how many traitors
have I fought for him?
I couldn't say.
Druid, what are these tidings
you bring?
A new king for Logres!
I didn't expect you to...
My answer is yes!
If there is a thr*at to be curbed,
we shall prove our worth!
Are you sure you're up to it?
That's enough!
I know to what you allude.
On the beach he inadvertently...
Yes, I did myself an injury
running after a crab!
Could happen to anyone!
You already gave so much
in your heroic youth.
The filthy critter hid in a hole.
When I pulled my foot from the sand,
by a suction effect
I lost my shoe
and my legs became tangled.
Let's be realistic.
Would it have happened
years ago?
I don't know what to say.
So be it.
Since Pendragon has given us
his son,
I shall send mine...
Lionel, come here!
But... Father!
Is it not traditionally
the eldest son who...
Of course!
You think I'm a rookie?
Then why...?
Because I loathe
your brother's style!
Those ridiculous clothes,
the kebab-seller's haircut...
- It's fashion.
- Crazy fashion!
Still, according to tradition...
It's true.
Let us respect custom.
Come, Bohort.
Are you not Bohort?
Not Bohort!
Yes. He shall be
the family standard bearer.
God knows I should like to go
in his stead
but not with that haircut!
What will be your mission?
What bloodthirsty monster
will your rid Brittany of?
Well... off the top of my head...
I'd have to weigh up my options.
Don't do anything dangerous.
For the quest to be valid,
there has to be some risk.
Risk? He must dice with death.
At least a dozen times!
Remember there are many ways
to dice with death.
Even mounting a horse...
As long as you deliver the land
from a scourge.
CONTINENTAL KINGDOM OF LOGRES
Something like... black ice?
Will that do?
YEARS BEFORE KAAMELOTT
BOOK VI
Will you sign the tablet,
yay or nay?
The wax is starting to melt.
You're annoying, Sallustius.
Big time!
We're here to relax
but my nerves are in shreds.
Relax?
You do nothing all day long!
If you're going to be like that,
forget your tablet.
- You can stick it.
- But the kid...
Has he distinguished himself?
Does he deserve to be general?
No!
He k*lled a hog at a fete.
He hasn't earned his stripes
in battle.
Now wait,
you wanted Ostrogoth k*lled.
You'd been busting my balls
about Ostrogoth for months.
" It's urgent! It's urgent!"
It was urgent.
We may do nothing all day long
but we know what's urgent.
- Now it's done.
- The kid saw to it.
So now we thank the one
who rid us of the scourge
by promoting him.
I've brought along his suit.
Are you sure we're not
inviting criticism?
Promote, promote...
What do you mean by that?
We need Caesar's signature.
I'll deal with Caesar.
Yeah, he'll deal with Caesar.
You're a real father figure.
Such devotion!
You carry out Caesar's orders?
What?
You're more the kind
who gives orders.
Sign.
Bastards, bastards, bastards!
- Bastards!
- Who?
Who? The lot of them!
URBAN MILITIA BARRACKS
Sallustius and that sonofab*tch Arturus.
All those Brittany yokels!
What's Arturus now?
Dux Bellorum.
- No more than you, then.
- No more?
Dux Bellorum?
I'm in charge of a bunch of wasters
in the lousy barracks of an army
no one cares about.
Arturus is a general, a chieftain.
He can meet with Caesar in person.
More than you, then.
You said it.
So... is a general's uniform cool?
When merited.
I'm your deputy,
I don't deserve my uniform.
But I still look cool.
I made it from bits
of Praetorian uniform
I found in Grandma's loft.
Shut up before I demote you!
But...
I know you don't know
what that means.
Get a move on.
I said get a move on!
I can't!
It's like wearing a sideboard.
Regulation issue.
Chieftains
wear a chieftain's uniform.
Chieftains
dress like this in battle.
In town, can't I wear
a skimpy number like yours?
Wear what you're told!
A chieftain but still a flunkey.
Have you any idea how many people
envy you?
Why not pick one of them?
Because we picked you.
Now drop it.
You wouldn't talk that way
to a real chieftain.
You're right.
Sorry, Arturus.
Now would you be kind enough
to get your ass in gear?
No. The " hey!" was OK.
We'll sort it out tonight.
Halt, languid rich girl!
You'll weigh less when you've
relinquished your riches!
Here. It's all I have.
Yum, mushrooms to plunder!
A snack of sundry pickings in store!
Only mushrooms?
Yes, what you call
ambush à la forestière.
Let me go.
Skip, skip, skip away!
Uncle, we have to hurt her.
How?
Please, leave me alone.
Just... one moment.
Virtue is a patience.
If we don't hurt her,
she won't be scared.
Can I be any more scared?
The poor girl is blunt.
And sharp with it!
Let her tell everyone
we're horrible!
She's fleeing!
Aye, a grim conclusion.
We have been nayed.
Come. Now we may relax.
That girl will remember me
in expansive terms.
- Are you sure?
- No.
But I have the sureness
of a chief.
Hold onto your hat... Boom-boom!
Bohort! Bohort!
- Mum!
- My sweet!
- What happened?
- My God.
- Highwaymen!
- What?
It was awful.
I gave them my mushrooms and ran.
- Did they desecrate you?
- No.
What if they'd caught me?
What are we to do?
Dry your tears, my wife.
I shall seek out those b*tches
by the scruff of their...
Sorry, Mother, but do not heroes
thr*aten their foes thus?
Heroes maybe, but you...
will be sweet enough to desist!
Anyway, I must go.
I shall do my utmost to take revenge
on your tormentors.
I'll teach them to be polite
to my wife!
Those faggots!
Forgive me, Mother.
To hell with your lame excuses!
You're standing in the way!
- They were going...
- To hell with it I said!
I'm sick of this bunch of wasters.
Sick of them!
Worst of all is your ugly mug,
Manilius!
Every day, your mug!
You should be in a lion by now.
Sorry.
Shut it!
When I say, "soldiers" ...
What's wrong, sh*t eaters?
When I say, "soldiers" ,
raise your hand.
Understand?
- You do it every day, so...
- Shut up!
Who's a little soldier's whore?
Who's a little soldier's bitch?
Who are the crappiest,
lousiest, most pathetic soldiers
in the world?
pressups.
pressups or I'll flog you all!
One...
Two...
Three...
Shift those buns, Papinius!
Or you'll do more!
will k*ll me!
Hold on.
Up... up!
Ave Publius Servius Capito.
And?
And what?
No salute?
He's way above your crappy rank.
I don't know his name.
Your full name?
- Just Arturus.
- See? You knew it.
Ave Arturus.
- Sorry?
- Ave Arturus!
There. So what's up?
I was just punishing the lads.
- It's routine.
- Carry on.
Carry on?
Unless your superior
has any objections.
Which soldier's a fat bastard?
And which soldier's the craziest?
pressups.
pressups!
pressups, by gad!
Or it's the whip!
Come on, give me a break!
No women allowed in barracks!
Why are you all alone, ruminating?
What's it to you?
You're a chieftain. Get busy!
And do what?
What do chieftains do?
No idea.
And that's the problem.
Well... make some decisions.
Issue orders.
b*at it!
How's that for an order?
- Keep quiet.
- Why?
- Someone's here.
- No one can hear me.
I can!
- What's up?
- Nothing.
- Well?
- Well what?
- What happens next?
- Next?
When do you start?
Who's in your team?
What does the alliance say?
Don't ask me!
Speak.
We all await your decisions.
Let go of my skirt!
OK, I get it.
Take your time, think it over.
Say the word and we'll be
standing to attention.
You're in love with the Roman.
sh*t.
Being in love is fine
but sort it out,
it's distracting you.
sh*t.
Gran!
I'm here!
- Where?
- Here.
- I can't see you!
- Darn it!
What are you doing?
Looking for enemies?
No, looking for fruit for dinner!
Oh no!
Teammates should stick together.
It's dangerous in circular country!
Open country, idiot!
We're trying out
a new battle technique.
Says who?
Remember my great idea?
Where we fight with ferns,
in case we get hurt.
You promised!
Promised! I promised I'd play
with you when I'd finished picking.
That's what I promised.
That's rubbish!
Would you like to prepare the meal?
No! So wait till I've finished.
Gran?
Honestly!
Teammates should never
lose sight of one another.
I've never lost sight of you
since you were born!
Come out!
If a ferocious boar appears,
I'll get smoked!
Ferocious boar?
There are lots of noises.
Supposing they're venomous birds?
Have you finished?
You want a punch in the nose
from a venomous bird?
Dad told me venomous birds
can be red, yellow,
even redder, or purple.
They only eat nuts
and veal cutlets.
When they peck you, you see
a bright light and get diarrhoea!
Come on,
tell me about it on the way.
I'm fed up. You never listen!
Because you make my head
feel like a watermelon.
Maybe we could extract the poison
and use it on darts in blowpipes
to give enemies diarrhoea!
- Is she here?
- No!
Where then?
Go away and don't come back!
Wait...
When you're in someone's home,
you don't dishonour it
by k*lling a guest.
That's your final lesson.
I never want to see you again.
Wait, you can't just throw me out.
Let me explain.
Sallustius asked me to do it.
Do you hear?
b*at it!
FORTIFIED CAMP, HADRIAN'S WALL
We don't mind being prisoners!
BRITO-ROMAN ZONE
Because we're free in our minds!
Free as birds!
ISLAND OF BRITAIN.
Untie us, you'll see!
- We'll do you in!
- f*ck you over!
Pull your dicks off!
I don't believe it!
What the hell's this?
These guys were caught
attacking the camp.
How many of them?
- How many?
- Attacking the camp!
They're all here.
The two of them?
Exactly.
Apparently they're from Vannes.
- Vannes!
- Untie us, we'll d*ck you!
You came all the way
from the mainland to att*ck us?
And the mainland will notice
we're gone.
They'll be over to kick your ass!
I tried grilling them nicely.
They're rebels.
Look, I'm sick of your idiocy.
Tie the jerks to a tree.
Far way.
I'm working, I want silence!
Untie us, we'll b*at you up!
We'll screw you!
I packed your scarves:
beige, blue...
Not the green silk one,
you might catch it on a bramble.
You're right.
Have you hired any mercenaries
to assist you?
No, Mother, a test of worthiness
must be undertaken alone.
Some heroes only work in pairs.
Take him as a partner.
And why not him?
My word!
Should misfortune strike,
Mother couldn't bear
to lose both of us at once.
Have the good grace to blush,
you coward!
I've put a few cakes in
I made earlier.
Tremble, scoundrels, tremble before
the avenger of the oppressed!
So here you are,
ready to take wing.
- Yes, Father.
- The cakes...
You're a pain with your cakes!
You think I'm leaving home
to stuff myself?
Give them here and clear off
before I stick your bakery
up your backside!
And you tearful lot!
Simper elsewhere,
give the hero some air!
Oh, Father, I can't wait
to give my life...
Bohort, adventure
is a beautiful thing.
For sure.
Strangely enough,
I wish you to take care
that misfortune does not befall you.
I imagined tragedy
last night in my bed
and concluded that your dying
would plunge me into great sadness.
But...
Take these cakes
I had baked specially.
Should peril lurk,
climb into a hole, or up a tree.
Hide in every nook and cranny.
Once concealed, eat them calmly.
And think hard about
he who gave them to you
and awaits your return.
Fancy having a general in the house.
You're not saying much.
What are your days like now?
All that responsibility.
If he's here...
Don't take this badly...
- You seem pretty workshy.
- Are you crazy?
You think you don't look workshy?
I am workshy, I admit it!
But I didn't think generals...
had a moment to themselves.
You were wrong.
What exactly do generals do?
Lead legions.
And you don't lead?
Maybe in Brittany.
Not in Rome.
See?
You're workshy.
- Don't start.
- Honestly!
I'm not being nasty.
Excuse me,
but how about...
one for the road?
The drinks are on me.
On Dux Bellorum's tab.
You mean... we come with you?
At the same time?
Why not?
No reason.
Shall we?
Halt, bourgeois of modern times!
A stitch in time
is worth two in the bush.
- Shall I grab his belongings?
- Capital idea!
Wait!
I have nothing.
Nothing? Nothing?
I hope you jest,
honest bourgeois fellow.
Do you spin a nimble yarn?
So shall I k*ll him?
Wait, let me explain.
Beware, rich man.
No one ever fools Urgan
the gudgeon twice.
Or even once.
Exactly.
I don't know why I said twice.
No one fools the gudgeon once.
I'd need to do a few fittings.
Quick, then.
My patience has no equal.
What the hell are you doing?
We're not sure whether
to walk beside you
- or keep our distance.
- Are you stupid?
Hey, say it if you have to.
I have nothing to say.
Walk how you like!
It's not just us.
People sidestep you.
You're not people, are you?
- Why are you mad?
- I feel like a ghost!
I've been promoted,
I haven't grown rabbits' ears!
Walk normally, we'll have a drink.
Try to forget
that I'm a chieftain.
Yes, General!
b*at it, you bunch of berks!
Go on!
Not you!
Walk ahead of me. Go on.
What!
Get on with what you're doing!
- Come on, let's go.
- Where to?
To find adventure!
There's a time for adventure
and a time for eating.
We ate this morning!
You're thin as a rake.
Eat what I've cooked
or we're going home right now!
We're not getting anywhere.
We need to find an enemy.
An enemy?
I'll give you an enemy
if you don't eat up!
This is boring.
Fancy a punch in the snout?
Next time I'll pick a teammate
who isn't obsessed with food!
In the meantime I'M your teammate!
And if you don't eat up...
I'll give you such a whack.
Now eat!
So is it a maggot?
No idea, it isn't moving.
If it's a maggot, we share it.
It isn't moving,
must be a piece of wood.
- Is it soft?
- Soft?
Soft like a maggot.
No, it's soft like wood.
When will they bring food?
Food! I've been here
two days longer than you.
No one's passed by.
No one?
How have you survived?
By eating every piece of crap
within reach: flowers, weeds...
I drank a stagnant puddle.
The bastards are going to
let us starve. Bastards!
Cheers, then.
Maybe not.
Cheers to what?
Your promotion?
Don't yell at me.
I might just.
Well, if we can't drink to you...
What's bothering you?
Being a general
is every soldier's dream.
- Aren't you proud?
- No.
Why not?
I don't like it.
My being Dux is impossible.
No.
It's impossible for ME to be Dux.
You're a soldier.
Soldiers get to be centurions,
not Dux.
You moaned about being a centurion.
Let's just have a drink like
we used to and change the subject.
Ave, General!
Wait, they didn't mean anything
by it!
Wait... wait!
Honestly, it pisses me off.
Look, Verinus is a really good guy.
I never said he wasn't.
He only grassed on Manilius
because they b*at him up.
I didn't bring that up.
OK, so he isn't a Dux-thingy,
but he's got a good job
and he fancies me.
Ah, I see.
I keep waiting for you.
To no avail.
Don't moan if I submit
to his advances.
I won't.
You won't?
I won't moan if you submit
to his advances.
But you've got first refusal.
I'd like to be a general's wife.
No, no, I only want you to be happy.
You've developed a nasty attitude
since you've been a general!
Father, fret no more.
I shall find my brother
and bring him back alive.
I swear!
Help! I slipped on a cow pat!
My leg!
Easy does it.
I must see her.
Please, Drusilla, it's important.
- Important for whom?
- For me.
Yeah.
For you, maybe.
I can't...
I can't just not see her anymore,
it doesn't make sense.
You don't betray the trust
of people you like.
- Sure you do.
- What do you mean?
Who else's trust
am I going to betray?
Who else would trust me?
She's the only one I can betray.
- You must leave.
- No.
I'm not leaving till I see her.
- Why?
- I'm suffering.
She's suffering too.
Why won't she talk to me, then?
Short of k*lling another
Ostrogoth chief in her atrium,
I can't hurt her any more
than I already have.
- What do I say?
- That I want to see her.
- She doesn't want to!
- Tell her I'm suffering. Weeping.
- You're not weeping.
- I am.
No, you're not.
Well, I want to.
Maybe my ducts are blocked.
Who knows?
As for her...
I don't know if she wants to,
but she's weeping.
Real tears.
You can go.
And don't make things any worse.
You've done enough harm.
I was doing my job.
I taught you to read,
to write...
I taught you algebra...
I took you to the theatre.
I explained everything I knew
about Rome.
What else can I do?
Is that all?
All?
Are you upset
because you've finished your job?
Quite.
And because I k*lled some jerk
in your atrium.
Quite.
No other reason.
No.
You don't want a hug?
No.
You want me to leave?
No.
So where do I go?
On the chair.
On the chair...
- Not saying cul-de-chouette?
- Cul-de-chouette.
Try and keep up.
It's not my job to say it.
Especially not at the wrong time,
after throwing a .
- It makes no difference.
- What?
Don't argue.
I taught you to play,
now you're giving me lessons!
You say it every go!
Are you playing Aquitaine rules?
Aquitaine rules?
Do you want a punch in the nose?
You seem to disagree
with your grandson.
- No one ever agrees with him.
- It's Welsh rules.
You say it any time!
Play how you like,
make the rules up,
I've had enough,
I'm going back to Wales.
You can manage without me.
Gran, stop!
Dammit!
- You can't leave, it's dark!
- Dammit!
So do I miss a go?
Dammit!
Gran!
No, but...
Why can't you?
I don't know.
Has it happened before?
I don't remember.
Yes, you do.
No, it's never happened to me before.
I know why.
Oh?
Why?
It's the age difference.
There.
I knew it.
- I'm right, aren't I?
- No.
Yes, I am.
You manage with your girlfriends.
Yes... but you're not my girlfriend.
When I'm here with you,
in this big house...
home of the wealthy...
I feel too fortunate.
I don't deserve
to be sleeping with you.
You don't?
No, I don't.
I don't deserve you.
What does deserving
have to do with it?
You asked me, I'm trying to reply.
In any case...
it isn't the age difference.
Hey there!
Say... how's it going?
When I gave orders to assemble
at the HQ tent, I meant you too.
Just throwing a few peelings.
Yes... throwing them where?
In Germania?
Get on with it and move yourself!
When I say everybody,
I mean everybody!
Very nice of you.
Hey, give us some!
Toss some over here!
You can't let me die!
I don't have the strength
to chew.
To hell with them.
I wasn't bothering anyone, was I?
IMPERIAL PALACE
Stop shouting.
Leave him alone.
Arturus Centurion.
Arturus Dux Bellorum.
I haven't given an order to anyone!
Quit yelling,
you're in Caesar's bedroom.
So are you,
but when it comes to shouting...
You for example. Now I'm Dux,
you're not allowed to talk to me.
What! Is it true?
Yes, it is.
You're not meant to
address me either.
Let's say you have
special dispensation.
I don't deserve to be chieftain.
Or a centurion.
Or to wipe your ass, like she does!
- That's enough!
- Come, come!
Dux Bellorum or not,
I don't need help to kick you out!
- Listen, Arturus...
- No.
- Listen!
- I don't deserve to be chief.
You don't get to be chief
by deserving it.
You happen upon the job.
Then you deserve it.
It took me years
to deserve my rank.
Or even .
I worked every day
not to be overcome by my uniform.
You don't have much choice.
Arturus...
Pretend. Pretend to be Dux,
to deserve your rank.
Pretend to be a great general.
Pretend well and one day,
you won't need to any more.
Valiant Bohort with his proud sword
chased away the army
threatening the people of Gaunes!
Why doesn't he come home?
He's celebrating his victories!
Can this really be?
Can it be? You just heard it
with your own ears!
They say Bohort is the greatest
avenger this land has ever seen!
- Wonderful!
- It's wonderful!
Wonderful, yes.
Let us immediately prepare a feast
in honour of my worthy heir, Bohort!
Bohort!
Clear this up!
I don't want a dead guy in the road!
Hang him. Cleanly!
But I'm alone this morning
to take them to the gallows.
This one's so weak
he can barely stand.
And he's the same.
This one...
Can't he stand either?
That one? Maybe...
Looks are deceptive.
I feel rough, I ate too much.
Hang him cleanly.
The others...
I can't just let them die
and get a couple of legionnaires
to burn them ASAP.
Alright!
See to him.
I don't want to see you
idling around, understand?
Yeah, I understand.
Now go.
Stand up.
I'm too weak.
Come on, pal, make an effort.
In minutes you'll be hanged,
and the job's done.
I'm pleased. We did really well.
I'm surprised, though.
It's a change from
the previous get-up.
You'll get used to it.
The fabric will break in.
I like the camouflage aspect,
though.
When you said "camouflage" ,
I thought you meant "camouflet" .
It wasn't easy to combine comfort,
discretion and style.
Not everyone has it, I assure you.
It's true, you can move around...
and still move around...
I told them all. They're moved,
especially your father.
I'll be off.
And I hope you keep your word.
Wherever you go...
Wherever we go, we'll say that
the mighty Bohort the younger
threw us off his land,
never to return,
so firm was his hand.
And he's a swift helper.
- Perfect!
- Shall we say who made the outfits?
Of course not!
Do you prefer Bohort the Younger
or Bohort Friend of the Grape?
I was thinking the latter
sounds a bit fruitier.
But it's up to you.
Let's stick to the first version.
Fidelity breeds good sense.
Boom-boom!
Farewell!
Remember to stress my brutality!
Make an effort. Get up!
- Who is it?
- I've untied you. You must leave.
- What about Lan?
- Who?
Lan. The Chink.
I don't know if it's him
but a young Asian was hanged
near the camp.
I untied your other pal
but I'll have to carry him.
Since I can't carry two,
you'll have to stand.
Come on, you can do it!
Remember me?
My name's Lancelot of the Lake.
I saved your life.
Lancelot of the Lake?
Remember to tell people
wherever you go.
Now get going
before a Roman comes.
Stay off the roads,
go through the woods.
Spend our lives in here?
A sudatorium is to relax in.
But with Mr Sallustius
spouting bullshit all day long,
you need one hell of a sudatorium!
I don't feel relaxed.
Better, but not relaxed.
How about we whack you
with a meat tenderizer?
Would that relax you?
Sallustius, ask your pet animal
to stop threatening us.
Feed him to the lions,
teach him to respect his superiors.
- Superiors my ass!
- Here we go again!
Not necessarily.
It might even be short-lived.
One little signature here
and I'll leave you in peace.
Another signature?
We're always signing stuff!
Didn't we make your blue-eyed boy
Dux Bellorum?
Yes, he's Dux Bellorum.
Now he has to be
Dux Totius Britanniae.
I don't believe it.
You need help!
Why not just make him Emperor?
Why mess around
with intermediate ranks?
My nephew is going through
a tricky phase.
My sister says he keeps playing
with his willy.
Making him a general or senator
would keep him busy!
You can be a senator
and still play with your willy.
I know one who does both.
He has to be made
Dux Totius Britanniae
because it's part of the exercise,
you hicks!
Why am I doing this?
No, really, why am I doing this?
In order to get Britain back.
To get Britain back,
the kid has to be chief
of all Britain.
Dux Totius Britanniae dammit!
This little sh*t gets promoted
times a week!
What's it to you?
Wait... wait.
Is it a question of merit?
He doesn't deserve it?
He doesn't deserve it.
He certainly does not.
Let's see.
I'll just ask you this.
Do you deserve it?
Really, do you?
Do you deserve your place?
Lurco?
You were off to Germania.
Your aunt got you into the Senate.
Pisentius.
Not a single year in the Legion.
Have you ever held a w*apon
in your life?
Desticius, your father gave away
half his land
so someone could take your place
in Africa.
True or not?
You've all got cushy numbers!
- What about me?
- You?
He didn't mention me.
When it comes to cushy numbers...
Will you sign this tablet?
We need your agreement
to charter a trireme.
Yes, a trireme!
The kid's off to Britain.
He can't swim there.
He has to look the part.
You're going to sign
this tablet for me
and you're going to sign it now.
The kid deserves his grade
as much as you deserve yours.
Easily.
You have to hand it to him,
he's good at dramatic exits.
I mean, every time,
it's always so...
- He's got this strength...
- It's from within.
Then he comes back and he's all...
Food... food, food, food!
Don't worry, I'll pay for it all.
Landlord, everything here
six times over. And quick!
Coming up!
I tell you, anyone wanting
to prise me off this stool
has got his work cut out!
Another, this one's not so good.
It's got less nuts.
There aren't any less.
When you cut a slice,
if you count all the bits of nut,
you get an average of . .
If you count slices a sausage,
with smaller slices at the ends,
you're up to between
to nuts per sausage.
But there seemed to be less nuts.
The filling's the same
for every sausage,
with an average of
to nuts each.
You must have hit a slice
with not many bits in it.
- So I can get stuck into both?
- Oh yes, trust me.
Hey, thanks!
Come on, finish up.
I'll flog you, Papinius!
I'm sh*t!
You'll be flogged.
Leave him, he's dying!
Shut it, Manilius!
One more word
and you'll be hanged!
It would be my pleasure!
Mine too.
Come on, Papinius!
- I can't!
- Come on!
Stand up!
Seems silly to have to
say it myself but...
don't I get a salute?
Ave Arturus!
When I say "soldier" ...
raise your hand.
Both of you.
- How many pressups can you do?
- Now?
Yes, now.
- They'll be his last.
- Don't make him do pressups.
I'm just asking a simple question.
Give me an answer.
What's the most you can do?
Well...
one.
- One?
- One.
Right. Do two.
Two?
Two good ones, go all the way down.
Take a deep breath.
- It's now or never, man.
- Put your all into it!
One!
Two. At rest.
Twice as many pressups
as the very most he could do.
Twice as many.
Who agrees that Papinus
has what it takes
to be a great soldier?
See? Even they know.
When did you last manage to do
a couple of pressups?
Well!
Can't you do without me now?
Actually...
I've been thinking.
- About what?
- Does it involve me?
Not... specifically.
- Then I'll leave.
- It's something and nothing.
- Should I leave or not?
- I don't know!
I've been thinking...
and I'm here...
to ask you to marry me.
- What a jerk!
- Drusilla...
What a total jerk!
- Drusilla...
- He's a jerk!
- Hear him out.
- I don't see why I'm a jerk.
Oh, you are, I assure you!
He is a general.
Yeah, but this... He's pathetic!
What's so pathetic?
I love you,
I think about you constantly...
OK, I get it.
It's the age difference, isn't it?
Age difference?
What a jerk!
That's enough.
- Yes, that's enough.
- Enough!
I'm already married.
Married?
I see... Indeed...
Fine.
Where's your husband?
Away.
Away.
I'm sorry.
What a jerk.
Subtitles by Kevin Smith
DVD Subtitling: CNST, Montreal
Say that again?
I was overcome.
You proposed marriage?
It just popped out.
She's years your senior!
So what?
You ask for her hand
when you shouldn't.
This one doesn't, though he should.
Call that work, you punks?
Yes, " punks" is an insult.
But I'm shocked!
What did I hear?
You asked an elderly person
to marry you?
What about Julia?
I have to do everything myself?
Very well.
Thanks, you brats.
Not such a gentle term, either.
And hurray for the General!
I don't mind cleaning up after you.
Did she say yes?
She's already married.
YEARS BEFORE KAAMELOTT
BOOK VI
We're managing pretty well.
The main thing
is to avoid wasting energy.
I'm sorry,
but what's your name again?
Some call me
the Valiant Knight...
Who calls you that?
The hicks, generally.
What do you do?
I serve Pendragon's son.
And you?
Well, I'm...
You're a little hen
who clucks and squawks too much.
Shut up,
and let the big boys talk.
We've thought about it.
Leodegan of Carmelide
won't join your federation.
Just a minute.
Why wouldn't he?
Believe us, he won't.
- But there's a solution.
- Listen up!
We're proud of it.
It's stunning.
You must
marry his daughter.
He just got rejected.
One thing, though...
If you diss the future king
one more time,
I'll de-ball you.
You'll get a neat bag
for your thimbles.
Wait.
Where are you taking us?
Not to see her!
Two seconds.
Orders are orders, kitten!
Why insist?
Give up!
I know she said no.
But I have to go back and apologise!
Who said no?
No to what?
I'll be right out. It's an order.
Take one step, and I'll clobber you.
Well...
I must say...
I accept.
Sorry?
I will marry you.
I thought you were already married.
Don't start up about that.
Fit my dress.
That's all.
Yeah, I'll shut up.
So!
I've thought it over.
I love you.
I see no reason not to.
Except you're already married.
We'll just keep it a secret.
As you know.
I won't shout it
from the rooftops!
A secret marriage.
Well, yeah.
You see... Honestly...
I can do no more. Got the rings?
- Yes or no?
- Yes!
You mustn't be too picky.
I just looked in the junk box.
I'll be married in red.
You don't mind?
Not at all. It's perfect.
All we need now is a priest.
- Of course.
- A priest is essential.
We won't tell him
she's married.
We have to lie to the gods!
So we'll lie!
I want to be happy.
Madam could bed a young stud
without marrying him.
We haven't even had sex yet.
I'm marrying.
I'm in love! It's what I want.
I say it's wrong.
May I say something? Please?
Would a Christian priest do?
A Christian priest?
You'd lie to that God?
What's the big deal?
He's more wrathful than the others!
You know a Christian priest?
He's right outside. I'll get him.
Right outside?
Excuse me.
Could the priest come in?
If it's okay...
You may all come in. Come.
CARMELIDE
If you don't jump onto the cart in time,
you end up walking.
KINGDOM OF LOGRES
And I say,
ISLAND OF BRITAIN
if you don't pick the cherries,
you can't make a pie.
We won't get ahead.
Is this about carts or cherries?
That's the danger of metaphor.
Talk to big hulks that way,
- and they get perplexed.
- I am!
Go on.
Say some chap claims to be
the new king of Britain.
What do we do?
Bean him!
Then splash! Into the lake.
Say he's got Excalibur, though.
That would mean he was legit.
- I wouldn't dare bean him.
- Me neither!
Who needs the gods' wrath?
This is a problem
that is common, in politics.
The people are fools.
They see him
with Excalibur,
they'll clamour for him.
See?
If the guy is toting Excalibur,
we let him be king.
We've no other choice!
And we start milking goats?
We'll still be kings of our clans.
But we'll have a boss.
I don't like to say it,
but it's true.
Basically, you're asking us
to bend over and say Ah.
Now he's using metaphors
without realizing it!
Am I the only one who's irritated?
Forgive me, but...
This is all new to me,
but I think you're doing it wrong.
- It's my first wedding, I admit.
- We can tell.
You left a lot out.
You should be strewing petals.
How come you missed our faces?
I do as bidden.
I think we're good to go.
- "Good to go."
- How solemn.
Just thinking out loud.
So we heard!
Actually,
I'm rehearsing the whole thing
in my head so I don't forget stuff.
Conscientious dude!
I shouldn't say this
to a Christian priest,
but you look like a half-wit,
so I will.
The rings.
sh*t! The rings.
- Blockhead.
- Tyro!
Quit it! It's my first wedding.
What's with the rings?
If you have them, put them on.
- If you don't have any...
-" Don't." Got it.
Wise chap!
So we put them on.
That's what the man said.
Do we put them on ourselves?
Or do I put hers on, and...?
Whatever.
There's no special rule.
However you want.
There! You're married.
Enough.
I'll change, and then we dash off
to the Palace for a meeting.
A meeting with whom?
You and me.
What do we do?
I'm sick of sightseeing.
I'm not hosting the whole g*ng.
She'll do as she's told.
Right. Sorry.
Drusilla will mind you.
I'm in a good mood.
Of course, in the street,
we must walk separately.
Why not?
People know
that I'm already married.
Sorry, but this is secret.
Walk ten steps behind me, please.
Ten steps, you say.
So... You're going to stay here.
Don't make a mess.
- This is the city.
- I'll watch.
She'll watch!
She can curtsey
when she serves us.
One friendly question...
May I knock you upside the head?
Shut up!
Or do I have to soak your heads
to calm you down?
When I come back from the Palace,
I want a good report.
They'll behave!
IMPERIAL PALACE
Arturus and Aconia Minor...
Come in.
Ave, Lucius Sillius Sallustius.
Ave, Arturus.
Shall I serve drinks?
No, this'll be quick.
Yes, but...
Not that we're stingy,
but we're not going to sit down.
Just formalities.
- So we'll look like rats...
- Enough!
- Don't worry about us.
- We're fine.
Sorry. She really can be...
a pain in the ass.
Have a seat.
I asked you to come
so that Aconia could sign
a tablet.
It's just a certificate
saying she gave our Dux
a good education,
and that he's worthy
of assuming his lofty rank.
I'm not forcing you!
I'll willingly sign.
Did you two get along well?
I must say...
It was fine.
Very good! I'm glad.
She's sulking.
I know her.
She won't speak to me till tomorrow.
That girl!
She's charming.
Sometimes, though, I swear...
- Looking for something?
- The tablet!
It must be signed.
So what do we do?
I can't find it,
and she won't look.
I'll be right back.
I want you.
- What?
- I want you, right now.
Are you mad?
What can I say?
- Right here?
- Are you scolding me?
- What shall we do?
- I don't know. Nothing.
When we go home?
Can you wait until then?
- I don't know.
- Unbelievable.
I wish I could promise you that,
but, with my record, I can't.
- Over it?
- No.
- Now I'm having visions.
- What?
- Things I feel like doing.
- Friend...
Let's not wait.
I can't! I have six layers on.
How do you take a leak?
I remove them.
You don't really want to.
You were fooling me.
My sincerity
is easy to prove.
Just take this part off.
I can't take off just that part.
Maybe...
- The string.
- Right here.
Not that one!
That's the skirt.
Why not take it off?
You raise it. But other stuff...
- This?
- I can't feel you.
- Here. Is this it?
- You got it.
So he asks everyone
to do a m*llitary feat.
A dazzler.
He calls it a "quest."
But we're excused from it,
as rulers!
Because we're already kings, so...
No need to perform a feat?
He pardons us from it. Right?
If you like, of course,
you may go on a quest.
You're a pretty laidback crew.
All that is well and good.
But just when do we betray?
Early on?
Or after some time goes by?
Who are we betraying?
Pendragon's son!
We need revenge.
I'm totally lost again.
I'm going home.
I don't understand half.
Wait. Explain exactly why
you want to betray him.
Wait.
You mean that all you've
been telling us so far is not
just in case...
We let him be king
and everything...
We support him,
but we never overthrow him?
I haven't decided.
It's up to you.
Okay. Why not?
How original.
Worth a try!
What an idea. Modern!
Here we are. Got it!
After a -minute argument
with that nut. Here.
Stylus...
Go ahead.
What's that?
In your hand.
It's the...
I'm taking this thing off.
Taking it off?
These useless things flapping around
are a bother.
Wait a minute.
It's your uniform.
There are rules about it.
You can't decide what's useful.
I told him, but he won't listen.
Put the skirt back on.
Sorry.
You need it for the signature
with Caesar.
Tablet!
Tablet...
Incredible!
I have to go get another tablet!
I'll be back. Put your skirt on.
Quick.
To hell with the skirt.
Let's give it another go.
Again?
- You don't mind?
- Quite the contrary.
I just thought...
Now that I'm willing,
there's no stopping me.
All right.
- What...
- What what?
I don't know.
Me neither.
Off to see the Emperor?
Where is he?
Or is it a state secret?
He's up there.
Why not stop at my house
on the way?
On my way upstairs?
That's the long way 'round.
Because, to be absolutely sure,
- we'd have to check.
- True.
To be absolutely sure, I agree.
Now that we're married,
I have duties to perform.
And I'd like to give it a go
outside of this tin.
It opens horizons...
I'd be into that, too.
Go home. I'll have him sign this,
and be over straightaway.
Absolutely.
Sorry. Just one more thing.
Back there, when we were...
did you notice you called me
"My general"?
Perhaps.
I'm sure I heard.
Are you going to do that every time?
I just couldn't help it.
It's me.
But I like to know what to expect.
The surprise spoiled things a bit.
As you like.
How do you feel about stuff like
"I'm yours, I'm your sl*ve"?
That works pretty well for me.
Nothing in particular bothers me.
It's the context.
Okay. Hurry over.
To hell with your tablets.
I'm too busy to sign that.
I'm fed up!
I'm sick of this dump!
I want out.
For a walk?
I'd like to see that!
Then keep your eyes open!
Here I go.
You're mad!
I'm not mad! I'm fed up with
seeing you, and I'm outta here.
I'm not so sure it's a good idea.
What do you know?
Did I ask
your opinion? No!
So mind your own business.
I'll call the guards!
Call your guards.
I hope they run fast. I'm leaving.
What should I do? Call?
What will the guards do?
Subdue him with a punch in the nose?
Caesar does as he pleases.
- He's gonna croak.
- He does as he likes.
Do something!
Find me four men.
I'll follow him with an escort.
Where can I find four men?
Call the guards, right?
Guards!
Dismissed.
I have a family meeting.
- Already?
- We haven't eaten.
What did we do wrong?
Nothing! But my family's coming.
Can't you postpone it?
Why should I?
Because we're here.
But you're leaving now.
Do you know how long it takes us
to get to your place?
You live next door, practically!
I'm from Armorica.
It takes days and days!
Better start home early, then.
Clear out!
I won't forget this!
It's a family reunion!
Would you wreck my home?
When I was first married,
I used to do the same crap.
Every week, "to vent grievances
and clear the air" .
Now, whenever we cross paths,
my ugliness makes her gag.
She'd love to see me dead.
It destroyed my faith
in round tables!
Great. You can tell that story
to your pals, on the road home.
Shove off, now.
A walk is fine with me,
but stay in the forum!
I can see that from my window.
Where do you want to go?
To the ghetto.
There? Are you kidding?
Don't you ever go to the ghetto?
I'm not commander
of the world's top power.
I'm not the commander, either.
The commander in chief
is pulling the strings,
backstage.
All I am
is a puppet show.
This is the day
the puppet cuts his strings.
And hits the ghetto!
I want a peach.
Yes, indeed!
You've already had four.
- I want a peach.
- No.
Careful! I have the rudius
my buddy Arturus got me.
You won't b*at the vendor.
The hell I won't.
So buy me a peach.
We've spent an hour shopping.
The guards are so loaded down,
they can't defend you!
I've got my rudius.
- Let's go home.
- No.
No! I want a peach,
and I want to hit somebody.
You promised me
you wouldn't hit anybody!
I'll hit this tramp.
I'll pat her ass, then.
Or I'll hit the girl,
and pat his ass!
So buy me a peach.
Here's your peach!
Let's go, before we start a riot.
No! And away we go!
What is unclear?
It can't be that simple.
HADRIAN'S WALL FORT
Why should it be complicated?
BRITO-ROMAN ZONE
Your assignment in Britain is over.
ISLAND OF BRITAIN
They've let me rot here for years.
Now they tell me to go home?
What did you expect?
I may not even have a home!
I've been away for years!
It's absurd.
That's life in the army.
I know, it's tough.
You knew that, didn't you?
They'll surely find you
a juicy desk job.
Not good enough for you.
After years at the front,
I'm going to put on a toga
and sandals, and become
a Senate hack?
I'm shocked at you.
How could you reach such a high rank,
when you're so naive?
Do you know how long
I've been chasing you?
Why don't you cooperate?
I'm trying to be nice.
What's wrong?
What's up? I'm getting cross.
- I don't want to say.
- Please do.
You'll scold.
I will not!
You tell a secret, first.
Why me first?
You go first.
- I don't have a secret.
- Too bad.
I got married today.
Really?
And you're not spending the day
with your wife?
You're a patient man.
Your secret, now?
We made a deal!
I've sh*t myself!
- When?
- Just now. It's the peaches.
Are you cross?
No.
You must be upset.
It's no big deal.
It can happen to anyone.
What do I do?
Do as I tell you.
Do you agree?
Will you trust in what I say?
Don't worry.
Together, we'll manage.
Get up. Finish at home.
Come in.
Why take it so hard?
It's no big deal.
You can put those things down.
Go to the market, and buy a tunic.
Okay.
Come on down.
There's a way to do it, cheap.
How cheap?
The girl.
What girl?
Ours, nitwit!
Sell her?
We marry her.
Marry her to Pendragon's son.
Exactly.
As the king's in-laws...
the heir's grandparents...
Not a bad idea.
It couldn't be your own.
It certainly is! I'm a genius.
- Will the groom be willing?
- No.
Notably when he sees her.
He'll be the one to propose.
You have no hand in that.
Yes, I do! I won't relent!
To get me
to join his damned federation,
he makes me a proposition
I can't refuse:
my daughter becomes queen.
Not bad.
Now for her...
Easy.
I'd just yell.
That's a good way.
You're undressing?
Wear my armour.
What?
Why?
Because.
- I won't do it.
- Yes, you will.
Listen.
I'll follow you anywhere.
Even if I look like a fool.
I'll crawl through muck for you.
But you must
put on
the armour!
I forgot what a pain in the ass
it is to wear that stuff.
Where's the rudius?
You didn't chuck it!
Never.
Give it.
In bed?
What do you care?
It's a souvenir.
- Something wrong?
- No.
Hardly.
Listen,
I had a kickass day. Don't ruin it.
- What if I can't get it out?
- Get what out of where?
The sword in the stone.
Sword? Stone?
In Britain. To be recognised king,
I must pull a sword from a stone.
I'm supposed to be the only one
who's able to do the trick.
You never mentioned this nonsense!
No, because it's magic,
and I knew you'd mock me for it.
Me?
You dare accuse me of mocking?
You'd say magic is for hicks.
att*ck me.
- What?
- att*ck me.
With your w*apon, not the rudius.
- Lunatic!
- Do what I say, damn it!
Give me a cr*ck on the crown.
Be good to me!
I won't notch your noggin
to please you!
I asked you to. Do it!
You asked for it. What a day!
What kind of dope is that?
The blade-controlling ring:
a present to you.
If someone att*cks you with a blade,
aim the ring at him to block it.
Then you deflect it.
I can't accept it.
In return for the rudius.
Take it, will you?
Trust in magic. It's the only thing
on earth that works.
The rest is a joke.
What can I say?
Thank you.
There are all kinds of warlords:
good ones, bad... by the shitload.
But now and then,
there's an exceptional one:
A hero. A legend. Lords like that
are very rare.
But do you know
where their secret power comes from?
They fight only
for the dignity of the weak.
The newlyweds!
The newlyweds!
What did I say?
Keep it down!
- At a wedding?
- Shut up!
I see they behaved.
Well enough, I'd say.
I did have to wallop one.
Wallop one? Who?
It doesn't matter who it was.
It was you.
Fair enough.
I was drowning that guy...
Who?
- Him.
- Me!
He dunked me.
I was sh*t-faced.
So was I!
But I punched you.
I got hit twice,
but I deserved it.
I threw up twice,
but I cleaned it up.
If my lord and lady
take it into their minds
to adopt as posterity
gangs of mates of this stripe,
I'm warning you, I'll resign!
- That's my date.
- Does it have your name on it?
I was saving it, by my bowl.
It's not your bowl!
It belongs to everybody!
Enough!
Enough!
What do I do?
About what?
Your bags.
- Shall I pack for you?
- Yes! Pack my bags.
They send me home, I go.
But I won't spend a single night
in Rome, do you hear?
Once I complete the paperwork,
I head straight for Macedonia.
My parents' house. Olive trees.
Aubergines. Cheeses.
You'll surely have Palace business.
Who cares?
Caesar might want a word with you.
I won't go. I don't want to see
any of them, not even Caesar.
Anyway, I'll pack your bags.
She said no. Leave her be!
I didn't say I don't want to.
You simply specified a blond.
Yes. Sorry, but ever since
I was little,
I've dreamed of my wedding,
and in my dream,
the husband is blond.
Is Pendragon's son blond?
- We've never set eyes on him.
- His mother isn't.
Neither was the father.
We're screwed.
I'm quite willing to marry...
But he has to be blond.
We heard.
If he isn't?
- Do it for your father.
- It's important!
- Don't guilt-trip her.
- We're not!
But she's k*lling us.
Why a blond?
Seriously.
That's just the way I imagined it.
- Otherwise...
- Otherwise?
Don't give in!
They're outwitting you.
Will you shut up?
If it really matters to you...
- It does.
- Totally!
I'll try.
On one condition:
Which one?
I want to leave this house
and live with my husband.
If not, forget it!
That's fine.
It's perfect!
We'd throw you out.
Maybe you could take your Grandpa.
Not only am I staying,
but I shall dismay you
with my longevity.
I may outlive you!
He could, too.
When do I meet him?
You're not with the others?
I need to talk with you.
Sounds serious.
It is.
They're shipping me out to a place
where the enemy is extremely hostile
to the Legion.
- That's what enemies are about.
- This is dire.
They're unbending.
There's one solution.
To get them to join
a coalition government.
Rome and the enemy?
A sort of...
federation.
And to do that,
according to those fellows,
there's only one way.
What's that?
I have to marry
the chief's daughter.
I refuse, over and over, maybe.
But it's true that unless I accept,
it's no go.
So?
So there it is!
I'm just letting you know.
Maybe it's okay with you
if I enter into a false marriage
in another country.
A political marriage.
If I absolutely must,
I'll accept.
But if you oppose it,
understandably, I won't.
All right.
On one condition.
What's that?
Make me a promise.
I'm listening.
Have as many mistresses
as you like.
But if you marry,
promise me never to consummate it.
Consummate it?
You won't sleep with your wife.
Okay.
Never.
You swear.
I swear.