02x04 - Dagger of the Mind

[bunniefuu]

Not only do I need to see to play this part,
the character is not a pauper.

- So that can go!
- All right.

We will change the crown in the third act.
Make a note, Miss Dudley.

And how about the heater
in my dressing room?

The whole thing's going to explode
any moment.

I told the stage doorman,
and he will fix it when he can.

Now, Lilly, at your entrance
at the top of the dagger scene...

My entrance!
That scenery is covered in nails.

If you want to see me disrobed
and disemboweled, just carry on like this.

Sweetie, they are hammering
as fast as they can.

Now, can we please get back
to the subject at hand,

which, in this case, happens to be
your emergence at the top of the scene.

I've asked you repeatedly to play it
with more speed and more conviction.

- Conviction?
- You've repeatedly ignored my requests.

Aha. Miss Dudley.
More of his stupid notes, huh?

Why don't you bring them back
to my dressing room later.

Nicky!

Uh, no, no. Better not.

- Where the devil have you been?
- To see the queen!

Look, we're an hour late now
for the dinner break,

and I would like to get this curtain up
before midnight.

- Don't worry, dear boy. It'll be up by dark.
- Oh, yes?

I've got at least 30 changes to argue
with you, and Lilly keeps insisting...

"Argue"?

We'll do whatever you say.
Aren't we always the little lambs?

Nick, are you smashed?

Pay no attention to him, darling.
Directors are always hysterics.

My gracious wife... forgives you.

Now, off to the pub, everyone.
Tonight's only dress rehearsal, remember?

Well, what are you waiting to see?
Clear out of our castle!

All right.
Everybody back in one hour.

Lilly, my love,

how would you like to do A Doll's House
in New York next season?

Or star... star in some magnificent film
at Sir Roger's expense.

Nicky, for heaven's sake.

Lover!
What a gorgeous surprise.

But you never come
to dress rehearsals.

I think I managed to get in
without being noticed.

But you couldn't stand not seeing me
for another whole day, could you?

Is anything wrong?

You're not worried about
this production of Macbeth, are you?

We're gonna get rave notices.

Well, you know actors.
We're all just children anyway.

"Children."

Roger, I have the most perfect idea
for Sunday.

I was walking past Covent Garden...
Nick will never know.

He'll think I've gone to visit my cousin
with arthritis.

So I got us two seats for the symphony.

We'll be all alone in a box together.

- And then afterwards...
- "Afterwards"?

What do you think I am, you lying...

You didn't buy those tickets today.
Your husband did.

What?

And last weekend at Brighton,
I suppose he arranged that for us too.

Not that our little rendezvous
meant very much.

You so conveniently had a headache.

Roger, old boy.
This is a pleasant surprise.

Lilly, what a curious position.

And you, you conniving panderer,
you put her up to every bit of it.

He's gone out of his mind.
He's come straight out of a Victorian novel.

And all just to lure me into reopening
my theater, into backing you,

and into playing angel to a has-been
leading man and his aging ingenue.

- Listen to him!
- Lilly, be quiet.

Really, Sir Roger, I don't know
who's been telling you stories,

but if you're implying
any misunderstanding...

of my wife's deep devotion
to you...

Why, she looks on you as her own father.
Don't you, Lilly?

That's enough! Today, I finally realize,
after all my years as a producer,

I-I've simply been taken...

taken by a ham and a tart.

Roger, I'll forgive your nasty language.

You've just helped me decide.
There won't be any Macbeth.

I'm going out and tell the whole company.
This play is not only canceled,

but I'll see to it that neither one of you
ever works again on any stage!

- Stop him!
- Roger!

- Nick...
- Let go of me!

Stop it!
Stop it, both of you!

Miss Stanhope?
Everything all right?

What? Yes.

Is Mr. Frame in there with you?
We're about ready for curtain.

Just a little family fight.
That's all. We'll be ready.

- Dead?
- Dead.

Nick, I didn't mean to.

Well, of course you didn't, darling.
Neither of us did.

Well, what are we gonna do?

I can tell them that he att*cked us.
It was self-defense, you know.

Sir Roger... Sir Roger Haversham?

Don't be so ridiculous.
No one would believe that.

Nicky. He said that no one
saw him come in here tonight.

Places, please.

First-act places, Miss Stanhope.

Whence is that knocking?

How is it with me,
when every noise appalls me?

What hands are here?

Ha! They pluck out mine eyes.

Will all great Neptune's ocean
wash this blood clean from my hand?

No, this my hand will rather
the multitudinous seas incarnadine,

making the green one red.

My hands are of your color,
but I shame to wear a heart so white.

I hear a knocking at the south entry.
Retire we to our chamber.

A little water clears us of this deed.
How easy is it, then!

Your constancy
hath left you unattended.

Be not lost so poorly in thy thoughts.

To know my deed,
'twere best not know myself.

Wake Duncan with thy knocking!

I would thou couldst!

Did you call Roger's club?

Yes. They said he hadn't
been in town all day.

But he must have
talked to someone.

It makes no difference, Nick.

The club was positive that Roger
was alone at home this evening.

So I said, "Never mind.
I wouldn't disturb him."

At home? That's 20 miles.

- Shh! You're coming unglued.
- Oh, go on. Go on.

Here's a farmer, that hanged himself
on the expectation of plenty.

Come in time,
wear napkins enough about you.

Here you'll sweat for it.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

- What on earth's going on?
- Oh, excuse me, mum.

I-I thought it'd be a good chance
to fix your heater pipes here.

You know, what with all that
knockin' goin' on out there.

I won't be a jiffy.

- I think I'd better move this.
- No!

Don't bother with the heater
tonight, Joe.

What, and have you freezin' from icicles?
Oh, no, no, mum.

No leadin' lady's gonna go
trippin' over pipes and tools...

what I leave lyin' all over her boudoir.

That's all right, Joe. I don't mind.
Fix it tomorrow.

Just wanted you to be comfortable.

Very kind of you, Joe.

Oh.

The queen, my lord, is dead.

She should have d*ed hereafter.

There would have been a time
for such a word.

Tomorrow and tomorrow
and tomorrow.

It'll be tomorrow
if you don't get a move on.

Petty pace from day to day
to the last syllable of recorded time.

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death.

Out. Out, brief candle.

Life is but a walking shadow,
a poor player that struts and frets...

his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot!

Full of sound and fury,
signifying... nothing.

I found his car.
I brought it around close in the alley.

Still here, Mr. Frame?

- It stopped rainin', you know.
- Oh, it did? That's very nice.

I'm sorry I'm so slow.

- I-I guess we're the last ones.
- Yes.

Still 20 minutes to closing time
next door, Joe.

Here. On us.

- Oh.
- I'll lock up for you.

Why, that's most gracious of you, sir.
Bless you both.

Night, Miss Stanhope.

Oh. Roger's umbrella.

"If it were done when 'tis done,
then 'twere well it were done quickly."

He had a dirty mind.

Hello, Freddie. What's up?

Scotland Yard out there.
They muffed it.

- Lost some bloke in the airport.
- Dangerous?

No. Big V.I.P. comin' in
from the States.

Missed him entirely.
Bit of an embarrassment, hey?

Excuse me, sir. You didn't happen
to notice my luggage?

Purple, kind of flowers.
Actually, it's my wife's.

Luggage inquiries, bear left, sir.

I was in there, sir.
There was no one there.

Ma'am, you don't mind if I just take a look
at this loose handle here?

Last night, when my wife was packing,
I happened to notice...

I haven't seen any Senate
or film-star types in here, Freddie.

Why don't you... He's some ruddy great
detective from Los Angeles. That's who.

Detective?

Ma'am, I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.

- I thought it was my bag.
- That's my suitcase!

I lost my bag.
This is not mine. I know that now.

- I saw the purple on the outside.
- No, it's mine.

A little mix-up, eh, sir?

You don't mind if we have a look
at your baggage stubs, now, do you?

I don't have any.
That's the problem, sir.

I thought I had some.
I had 'em here in my passport.

I came in on 28... 707 from L.A.
I thought I had 'em right in here.

I think I made a mistake
when I came in the wrong door...

Quite so, sir.

You don't mind just stepping over here
with me, do you?

- Well, I'd like to help this lady if I could.
- No, thank you.

I'm quite sure you can
explain it all to the inspector.

This way, sir.

Fine. Uh, one moment.
Thank you very much.

- Any luck?
- Afraid not, Sarge. Usual lot.

Bloody hell.

Well, it's not your fault
he missed his plane, Sarge.

He didn't miss it.
I've just checked with the airline.

Freddie. Not a police lieutenant, is he?

I was just about to put the arm
on this light-fingered bloke...

You what? Where?

- Over there, sir.
- Him? Blimey.

There he is, Sarge.

- You have everything back in?
- Yes, I'm... Oh, these. I need these.

You understand, I thought
it was my suitcase.

Is this lady causing you a problem?

- I'm sorry?
- Is this lady causing you a problem, sir?

Beg your pardon?

I'm, uh, Sergeant O'Keefe,
Scotland Yard.

- Lieutenant.
- Oh. This is all my fault.

I'm here to escort you to London, sir.
I'm sorry, uh... I missed you at the plane, sir.

How do you do, Sergeant?

- How do you do, Lieutenant?
- Oh, this is a great honor.

Well... The car's just parked outside.

- Would you excuse me, please?
- Ma'am, I'm terribly sorry.

It's all right. All right.

The problem here is
I seem to have lost my suitcase.

Then the Yard
will find it for you, sir.

It's the least we can do
for an honored guest, eh?

I don't wanna be a nuisance.

- No, no, no. It's no trouble, sir.
- Oh, fine.

Already we've, uh, found
your passport for you.

Oh, and the commissioner's office
asked me to, uh,

give you their official welcome,
Lieutenant.

Even if I did muck up
the red carpet business a bit, sir.

Oh, it's just great to be here.

- How do you do? Lieutenant Columbo.
- How do you do, Lieutenant?

Thank you very, very much.
That's all, you know.

I mean, just to be here... Scotland Yard,
Jack the Ripper and all that.

- Thank you very much.
- This way, Lieutenant.

- Oh, fine. Take it easy, fellas.
- I got the car waiting out here, sir.

- Gee, thanks for stopping.
- No trouble at all, Lieutenant.

Wait till my brother-in-law
sees that picture.

Thank you very much for stopping.
I borrowed this camera from him.

See, he's in the National Guard.
He thinks he looks good in his uniform.

- Certainly, Lieutenant.
- Gee, I hope I put the film in right.

You mean that's it?

I expect you've seen pictures
of the New Scotland Yard, Lieutenant.

That looks pretty new to me.

The New Scotland Yard
was the old headquarters.

Uh, but it wasn't old Scotland Yard.

No, no. It was New Scotland Yard,
but, um...

- O'Keefe.
- I'm gonna take a picture.

Where the devil have you been?
That plane got in two hours ago.

Didn't you meet it?

I'm sorry, sir. I didn't realize
there was a hurry on.

He's never been here before.
I suppose things do look a bit different.

They were changing the guard
at Buckingham Palace.

Fortunately, his camera
wasn't in his suitcase.

Yeah, he's lost it.
Uh, his suitcase, I mean.

Yeah, there was a bit
of a mix-up at London Airport.

What, you mean... I say.

Uh, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant.

This is, uh, Detective
Chief Superintendent Durk.

- Lieutenant Columbo.
- Lieutenant.

Detective Chief Superintendent Durk.
This is a great honor.

"Durk" will do.

He's to be your host
on this inspection visit, sir.

I certainly don't wanna
get in your hair, sir.

Nonsense. I'm the one
that's messing up your schedule.

Beg pardon?

We were supposed to visit the new
police academy at Reading today.

But I'm afraid my wife called, and
we're going to have to make a little detour.

I hope you don't mind.

My wife always calls about
some errand at the grocery store.

A bit different this time.
Death in the family.

We'll use my car.

Sure must be a big family.

The old duffer lived all alone actually.

My wife's uncle, twice removed.

Actually, I saw very little of the fellow.
Come on.

This is just a duty call.

I'll leave my card,
and then we can be moving along.

I thought you might like to look around
one of these old places.

Oh, uh, Mr. Durk, sir?

Yes. Are you
the local constable?

Fatheringham, sir.

And my accident report
is already filed.

Mr. Tanner, he was properly disturbed
finding the master expired.

And before breakfast and all.

So I stayed around to help see
to the removal of the remains.

Uh, just took His Lordship off, they did,
to have him properly coffined.

Uh, for public mourning,
considering his station.

What did he say?

His Lordship d*ed.
Uh, some sort of accident.

What happened?

Well, I really don't know.

You think you could ask?

Could you fill us in, Constable?

Oh, uh, took a fall
down the staircase, he did.

Landed just there, fully clad.

Must have happened
before midnight, the doctor thought,

what with the rigor mortis.

But we added it all up quite neatly.

Sir Roger was reading in the upstairs
sitting room, you see,

and he started to come down.

Here we are, Charlie, dear.

In times of trial, I always say
there's nothing like...

cold beer.

Yes. Well, uh, I'll just have a word
with the servants, Columbo.

Look around as much as you like.

Quite an old showplace really.

Excuse me.
Irish whiskey before luncheon?

I would have thought perhaps
that a glass of sherry...

a nice amontillado...
would have been more appropriate.

Oh, no, sir. No.
Thank you very much.

I really wasn't looking for a drink.
No. I was, uh...

I was just wondering, uh...

I wonder, could you tell me,

do you know whether or not
Mr., uh... the gentleman, Sir Haversham...

was that the chair
that he was reading in last night?

Well, as a matter of fact,

that was Sir Roger's favorite chair
when he wanted to read, yes.

Oh, I see.
Terrible thing, wasn't it?

Yes. Very shocking.
Thank you very much.

- Why do you suppose he started downstairs?
- No idea.

No. Couldn't have been to get any liquor.
Certainly plenty of stuff up here.

Well, sir, it's not for me
to question my master's wishes.

As a matter of fact, he sometimes
preferred to have a cup of cocoa...

as a nightcap, from the kitchen.

You work here?

Indeed I do.
I've been here for many happy years.

I thought you were
a friend of the family.

Thank you very much.

And you, I take it, are the gentleman
who rang the bell just now.

- Oh, that works?
- Indeed it does.

Gee, I thought it was just decoration.

- Boy, that's funny, isn't it?
- What's funny?

No. I was just wondering, if, uh...

if he wanted something last night,
why he didn't just ring for it.

Well, if I may say so,
unlike many masters,

Sir Roger was very considerate
to his staff.

Perhaps you'll be good enough
to excuse me.

Oh, certainly, sir. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hold you up.

I just get curious about these things.

I guess nobody heard anything
when he fell downstairs.

Well, that's understandable.

You see, cook's quarters
are in the south wing.

And the maids also sleep there.
I live in the old cottage.

And it so happens Sir Roger
dismissed us early last night.

I should say not later than 7:00.

What I was wondering...

Tanner's been the butler here
for over 20 years, Columbo.

Uh, the lieutenant's here from
Los Angeles for a few days.

He's observing
our latest techniques at the Yard.

How interesting. Let's hope some of it
"rubs off," as they say.

Oh, thank you very much.
I certainly hope so.

Listen, now, if you're the butler,
then maybe, uh...

You know, this is not too important.
But, with your permission,

it's just that I noticed that somebody said
that Sir Roger was fully dressed.

And I was wondering...

I guess they meant by that that he
was wearing, like, a smoking jacket?

Actually, Sir Roger was wearing
a gray Harris tweed suit with a blue tie.

While he was reading?

Well, isn't that something?
You know, I can't even stand a necktie.

Sir Roger, if I may say so,
was rather particular.

Quite. Well, uh, shall we
be getting along, Columbo?

Oh, yes. Certainly, sir.
Oh, uh, sir. Uh...

You know,
I couldn't help noticing, uh...

Do you have a moment?

Now, I couldn't help noticing that
a man with such an impressive library,

isn't it funny
what he did to that book?

What?

I mean, if this was the book
that Sir Roger was reading last night.

- I'm afraid I don't follow you.
- This is a valuable book, isn't it?

Alice in Wonderland, first edition.

I, uh... I imagine it's worth
a few thousand, yes.

You see, back home,
we call this the spine of the book,

and you know you can break that thing
by putting it down upside-down like that.

Of course, I never knew that until I did it
to my mother-in-law's cookbook.

She almost hit me with a frying pan.

Well, perhaps he was in a hurry,
or, uh, perhaps something startled him.

Yes, sir. You know, maybe
that's why he started downstairs.

Maybe he heard something.
He was an older fella, wasn't he?

Yes.

Just looking for his reading glasses,
'cause I didn't notice any around.

Would you mind asking the gentleman?

Tanner.

Mr. Columbo would like to know
the whereabouts of Sir Roger's glasses.

- If you don't mind, sir.
- No, not at all.

Actually, it was Sir Roger's custom,
when not actually reading,

to keep his spectacles
in his breast pocket.

And, if you must know,
that's where they still are.

Ah. They must have gotten
smashed up pretty badly...

after he fell down all those stairs.

Oh, well, we didn't actually waste time
looking for broken glass...

under such tragic circumstances.

Besides, we noticed nothing
unusual or abnormal.

No, no, no. Just a...
Just a simple accident.

Well, thank you, Tanner.

- And, once again, my sympathies.
- Thank you, Mr. Durk.

Constable. I just had a thought.

- Lovely chatting with you.
- My pleasure.

I'm gonna tell my wife
that I met a real English butler.

- She's gonna get a terrific kick out of that.
- You flatter me.

- Thank you. Good-bye.
- After you, Columbo.

Please. Please, gentlemen.
Not now.

I'm-I'm sorry.

Hold it just like that, Mr. Frame.

Thank you, sir.

No, no, no.
We don't want that sort of thing.

Lilly, pull yourself together, huh?
Hmm?

Let's get you out of here.

Out of the lights.

Poor Lillian.

She was like a favorite daughter
to Sir Roger.

A daughter, Mr. Frame?
Not much older than you, was he?

Whose idea is this little bash?

This little "bash"
is a dream, gentlemen,

Sir Roger's own dream which he confided
to me on several occasions.

"When I'm dead," he told me,

"I'd like one last chance
to say good-bye...

to all those beautiful actors
and musicians and..."

There, there, there, Miss Dudley.
Stiff upper... lip.

And what about Macbeth, Mr. Frame?

Somebody says
you're still opening tonight.

Oh, but-but for his sake,
not for ours.

Oh, if we didn't go on,
Sir Roger would roll over in his grave.

"Spectaculum procedere debet,"
he always said.

"The show must go on."

Doesn't hurt advance ticket sales
either, I suppose.

Swine.

Uh, I'll be right back, darling.

Ma'am.

It's a lucky thing I packed a spare
in my pocket instead of my suitcase.

- Thank you.
- It got lost somewhere.

- You're American.
- L.A. Got in yesterday.

707. Eleven hours.

At least you're not a photographer.

My makeup must look dreadful.

Actually, I did bring a camera...

and I wanted to take a picture of you,
but not now. Wrong time.

- You can keep that.
- Thank you.

Guess you must have been as close to
Sir Roger lately as anybody in the whole world.

He was our dearest friend.

Sir Roger was mostly retired,
you know, until the last few months,

when he persuaded us
to do this lavish production...

what he'd always wanted to do.

Now he won't even be able to see it.

Terrible time to ask,
but how could I get tickets?

I'd love to see the show tonight.

Well, I... I think I could...

Well, can't your newspaper arrange it?

- You are a reporter.
- Oh, no, ma'am. No.

Oh, no. I'm terribly sorry.
No. My name is Columbo.

- I'm just a visiting fireman.
- Fireman?

Oh, that's just an expression.
I'm a policeman.

- Police?
- Yeah.

You see, I'm just tagging along
with that fella over there.

Mr. Durk... detective chief superintendent,
Scotland Yard.

- He's showing me around London.
- Well, Lieutenant, can we go now?

Oh, yeah, certainly.

Let's see if we can
get out this way, shall we?

Excuse me, ma'am. It was wonderful talking
to someone as famous as you.

And I hope I've been able
to make you feel a little better.

I, uh... I had a word
with the funeral chaps.

They're bringing the body
about 2:00. No fuss.

Listen, that was a great idea that you had
about checking up on those glasses.

I mean, if he fell all the way down that
staircase with his glasses in his pocket,

and they weren't even cracked...

Actually, I rather had it on my mind
to request a postmortem.

- Post what?
- Autopsy.

Well, one never knows
with these little, uh, accidents.

You can never be too sure.

In the meantime, you might like to
take a look at our ballistics laboratory.

It's quite the latest thing.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

- Autopsy?
- And detective chief superintendent.

- That means the m*rder squad, doesn't it?
- Well, I'm not sure.

Well, why aren't you sure?
Oh, Nicky, they'll find something.

No, no, no. Not here, they won't.

Now, this trunk
is absolutely clean.

And we washed that cold cream jar
that-that you hit him with.

I hit him with?
If you hadn't moved...

Now-Now wait.

Nobody even knows that Roger
was in the theater last night.

- Nobody even knows he left home.
- How do you know that?

He knew already about us
when he came here last night.

He must have been talking to someone.

And I bet I know who...
that nasty little Miss Dudley.

Oh, that child? Don't be absurd.

Besides, I can handle Miss Dudley.

You try that just once,
and I'll have your guts for garters.

Oh, Lilly, please!

Nicky, darling, won't an autopsy...

give a clue as to what we did
with Roger's body after he was dead?

- I'm not sure. I really don't know.
- Well, why don't you know?

If you'd taken that part
in the Agatha Christie play,

like I told you to,
you would know these things.

You know perfectly well
why I didn't take that rubbish.

Huh!

What, "huh"?

"False face must hide
what the false heart doth know."

Huh?

Ah, Mr. Durk, sir.
Spot of tea this afternoon?

My guest is rather hungry, George.
I've been hauling him about sightseeing.

I'm afraid he hasn't had
much time to eat.

Would you, uh, care to sit here?

When you said "club," I thought you meant
a country club or a health club.

Mm. Bit stuffy, I'm afraid.
Hasn't changed since Father's day.

My father was an Elk once,
till my mother stopped him.

Ah. Here we are. Pitch in.

- That's for us?
- Yes.

Oh. When you said "tea,"

I was afraid we were gonna get
nothin' but those tiny sandwiches.

This is terrific.

Why do you think
we keep the ladies out, sir?

- Diver. What are you doing here?
- I left my assistant to finish up the job.

This is Lieutenant Columbo,
Los Angeles Police.

Really? Now, there's a place
with opportunity.

- Why, 20 times the business I get here.
- Beg pardon?

- Liverwurst, sir?
- Yes.

Go on. Go on, gentlemen.
I'll just talk while you eat.

- Uh, Diver is our pathologist.
- Oh.

Waiter. Chop.

Postmortem lividity, Mr. Durk.
There it was, all over him.

There was your answer
before I even made the first slice.

Oh. You're the autopsy surgeon.

Stilton cheese is particularly nice
today, sir.

Fine. Thank you.

As if you didn't know more about
postmortems than I do, Lieutenant.

All that opportunity.
Here. These photos are still wet.

Just notice those purplish spots
on the left thigh there.

- Oh, yes.
- Do start. Don't wait for us.

Get to the point, Diver.
You mean the body was moved?

Oh, yes. Some little time
after death, I'd say.

What time did he die?

The abdomen too. Notice there
where the... the blood's settled.

Oh, anywhere from
early evening to midnight.

I've got the, uh, fluid samples.

I... I don't think they'll
tell us much more.

Then Sir Roger did not die
by falling down a staircase.

Oh, no. He d*ed somewhere else,
and then he was moved there later on.

There are several bruises,
almost as if he'd been in a fight.

And a blow to the occipital region
causing that brain hemorrhage there.

You agree, Lieutenant?

Uh, oh, yes.
It's m*rder, all right.

Extraordinary.

Thank you.

Yoo-hoo! Tanner.

Go on, go on.

Well. This is a surprise.

I must say, I didn't expect
to see you here at this hour,

with your opening
and everything tonight.

This must be dreadful
for you, Tanner.

- Thank you, miss. And for you too.
- For all of us.

Uh, Tanner, I didn't want to bring this up
at this time, but something's been bothering me.

- My Sir Henry Irving, remember?
- Irving, sir?

Yes. The other day, out on the terrace,
I was showing it to Sir Roger...

Irving's own copy of Macbeth.

Of course.

Yes, well, I left it here
for Roger to have a look at.

Hmm, I didn't realize. And you need it
before your performance tonight.

Oh, scarcely.
I do know my lines.

But, uh, that old book had Irving's
own comments on every page.

And I got to thinking, when someone dies,
there's always all that legal nonsense.

You know, inventories
and sealing things up.

And, uh, since it is just about
the most valuable thing I own...

I quite understand, sir. We won't let
those stupid tax people even see it.

I'll slip it to you myself,
and mum's the word.

I'd, um... I'd rather not go in,
darling, if you don't mind.

Yes, I understand, dear.
Shan't be a moment.

That actor fellow... Frame.
That's odd.

I thought he had a play opening.

Hey! Better stop that.

You'd better leave that. We don't
want anything touched for a while.

Scotland Yard.

- Sir Roger's, huh?
- That's right.

Sure pretty.

Well, Mr. Tanner says wash 'em.
I wash 'em.

Well, it's not very dirty anyhow.

A few spots. That's all.

Say, did you wash this car
yesterday?

I wash it every day.

You'd think it was his own
bloomin' chariot.

m*rder*d?

Oh, God!
I can't believe it.

Yes, well, you see,
the autopsy showed the, uh...

But we won't
go into those little details.

No luck, darling.

Wasn't in the downstairs library.
Wasn't anywhere I could...

Nick!

This is Superintendent Durk.

He says that someone...
m*rder*d poor dear Roger.

Good heavens!

We had no idea.

Mr. Frame.

Yes, Tanner. Uh...

Here. It's not upstairs, sir.

I've looked everywhere,
even in Sir Roger's safe.

- What is this you're all looking for?
- Oh, nothing. A book.

We were out for a drive and stopped by.
That's all. It's not important.

- Tanner. Mr. Durk says...
- Now, just one moment.

The Yard will decide
what's important here.

A book, you say. What sort of book?

Well, it's rather a nice little volume.
I lent it to Roger one day last week.

Sir Henry Irving's own copy of Macbeth.

Had his own notes
scribbled on every page.

Really? And now you say
you can't find it?

No. Searched everywhere.

Have you indeed?
Do you hear that, Columbo?

Yes, sir, I did.
I was just wondering, who is Irving?

Excuse me, sir.
Sir Henry Irving...

perhaps the greatest
English actor who ever lived.

Well, one of them, let's say.

But I do suppose that, uh,
little copy of Macbeth...

must be worth all of, uh,
20,000 or 30,000 by now.

Do you hear that, Columbo?

There, never mind.
I'm sure it'll turn up.

We have an 8:00 curtain, so, uh...

Please call us if there's
anything we can do, Mr. Durk.

My dear fellow, you already have.

You already have.

Now, simple deduction,
I suppose.

Suppose there were a thief
in the house.

Suppose that's what Sir Roger heard.
Came down to investigate...

Would you excuse me
for just one moment, sir?

Mr. Tanner.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Tanner, sir, could you tell me,

was there any sort of rain
out here last night?

Rain, sir? No. We haven't
had a drop all the week.

Excuse me.

- Say, you won't forget, will ya?
- What?

My ticket. You won't forget
my ticket for tonight.

No. I'll leave it
at the box office in my name.

Hook, line and sinker.

Nice to see you.

Oh, you are a dear.
Thank you so much.

- Thrilling, wasn't it?
- Oh! How are you?

Lilly, you divine little devil.

- You were simply marvelous.
- Thank you.

Lilly, astounding.
Absolutely astounding.

- Ah, you are sweet.
- If only Roger could have seen it.

Yes.

- Oh.
- Oh. Sorry.

- Oh, it's you.
- I think I stepped on something and broke it.

Oh, no.

Oh.

I guess this is somebody's necklace.

Mine, silly.

I thought I'd found
all the beads last night.

It was like this.

My wardrobe mistress
made me another one this morning.

Lillian.

- Oh! Darling.
- Gorgeous thing.

- Oh, you were fantastic. Just fantastic.
- Oh, you are sweet.

- Excuse me.
- Sarah Bernhardt. Our own divine Sarah Bernhardt.

In other words... This is just
a little thing that you broke last night...

during that little fight that you had?

- That's right. Did you really like it?
- You were incredible.

Of course I'm too young to have seen
Sarah Bernhardt...

What did you say, darling?

Listen, before I forget,
let me thank you for the tickets.

I have never been so shook. I saw Hamlet,
but that was back in high school.

I mean, tonight when you stood there
with that bloody dagger...

- It was thrilling, wasn't it?
- Yes.

Come on.
You've had her long enough.

- Oh, yes, ma'am.
- Lilly, love.

What insight. What depth.
Oh! You were delicious.

Oh, darling. You are sweet.

- Come to the party.
- Yes, I will.

Come tomorrow night.
You'll see something...

Thank you.

Ah! There you are.

Ah, so, you liked it, huh?

Better than any movie
I've ever seen in my whole life.

I don't know what that fella Irving had,
but, believe me, the way you took that part...

- Oh, thanks.
- I'll never forget it. I was thrilled.

Wasn't it thrilling? Huh?

Thanks for coming. Thanks.
Good to see you.

Oh, by the by, they haven't found
that little book of mine, have they?

I don't think so, sir. No.

- Oh, you were simply marvelous tonight.
- Thank you. Good of you to come by.

They seem to think there was a robber
in the house, I guess.

- Good Lord.
- Oh, oh. Oh. Thanks.

Well, that would explain things,
wouldn't it?

I... I mean, uh, if... if old, uh, Sir Roger
caught him in the act, then...

No, sir. I don't think so, sir.

Nicky, darling,
you were simply marvelous.

Thank you, my love. Thank you.

- You don't think so?
- No, no. I don't think so...

Because if he had k*lled Sir Roger...

and then moved the body in order to
make it look like an accident...

With all those beautiful things around,
why would he just take one book? Would you?

Right on, Nicky Frame.
All hail Macbeth!

Magnificent.

- Good to see you.
- Splendid. Good to see you.

Well, we-we've got to have a drink.

Thank you, dear. Thank you.
We did try... for Roger's sake.

This needs a damn good brush, Mary.
It's been trampled to death.

Oh. Here you are again, Lieutenant.

What little snoop told you
there was a fight in here?

Was she perhaps blonde?

Oh, no. Just some guy in overalls
out there happened to mention it.

Oh, Nick and I always fight.

Ma'am, I didn't mean to pry.
I was just asking about the rain last night...

Lilly, get your clothes off.
It's time to celebrate.

Rain?

"Spots on the hood"?

Oh, the bonnet.

Well, anyway, on his car, and it hasn't
rained out there for over a week.

Ah. You think that Roger might have
driven somewhere else last night?

No, no, no, no, no.
Tanner would have noticed his leaving.

Mr. Tanner says not, sir.
So I got to wondering.

Uh, well, anyway, of course,
from what I hear, uh,

your wife might know
Sir Roger better than you do, sir.

But at any rate, uh...

Come along, Nick, darling.
We're having a simply smashing party.

Yes, go on.

No, I was just
gonna say that the, uh...

the paper does say that it sprinkled
here in London a little last night.

Uh-huh.

But it must have rained
in lots of places, don't you think?

That's exactly what Mr. Frame said.
Only I got to thinking...

Since you and Sir Roger
were so close,

maybe he might have come here to wish
you luck in private or something like that.

But he didn't. I don't know what
your man in overalls told you.

Oh, nobody saw him.

Of course, I haven't asked the stage
doorman yet. I can't seem to find him.

Lieutenant, the last time
I saw Sir Roger Haversham...

was the day before yesterday.

It was at the Dorchester for lunch.
Uh, Roger, Lilly and I...

were discussing plans for an
American production of Macbeth.

That's if the critics like us,
of course.

And after lunch, Nick and I came back
here for rehearsal.

And Roger never interfered
on those days.

But as for that
childish little fight last night...

Lilly struck me.

Well, he was making fatherly eyes
at one of the understudies.

Lilly is paranoid.
So I struck her back.

In a not very nice place.

She landed against this wall
over here.

Clumsy thing.

So I picked up my bloody dagger,

and I went at him!

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.
I didn't realize it was so late.

Didn't mean to stay so long.

Oh, yes, you did, Columbo.

You heard some silly gossip, I suppose,
about... about Sir Roger and my wife.

You have some vulgar
American notion of a love triangle.

No, sir. Not at all.

You have some nasty idea...

that poor old Roger must have been
lured into town last night...

by Macbeth himself, perhaps.

The play is rather suggestive of m*rder,
I suppose, to impressionable minds.

Too bad he didn't come visiting
at Christmas.

You could have got him
tickets for the children's pantomime.

- Nicky, stop it.
- I'm terribly sorry, sir. Believe me.

I guess I did get carried away
by those questions.

But, you see, I just...

I just have never seen
anything like you.

Like that performance
you both just gave.

Thank you.

I didn't mean to be nasty, old boy.

No hard feelings.

You both must be exhausted.
I don't know how you do it.

With innocent, loving hearts.
Good night, Lieutenant.

Well, whatever it is,
it sure must be most unusual.

Uh, the reason I say that is because, you know,
when my wife and I try to remember...

what happened yesterday or the day before,
well, we don't agree on anything.

And you two, you not only agree,

you use almost the exact same words
to tell about it.

- Good night.
- Good night.

After that performance we just gave.

Of all the nerve.

Hold it! Hold it!

We can't have our leading lady
opening her own door.

Oh, I just stepped out for a...
for a moment, sir,

to get a little sniff of the fresh air.

Oh, and I never heard such glorious
remarks about an opening night, sir.

Oh, and you too, Miss Stanhope.
You were an angel in the part.

If I heard it a thousand times,
I heard it once.

The queen herself will be buying tickets.

Here. Ooh. Dear me.
Oh, these doors, how they do go on.

Well, in you get. Oh. Oh, sir.

That's most especially gracious.
Thank you.

And you was marvelous too.
That dagger and the blood and all...

and holding up your hand like a carnation
and making the audience gasp.

Well, thank you both so much.
Good night, sir. Good night, Miss Stanhope.

Good night.

Where did he get that umbrella?

Hmm?

That little engraving on the handle,
just like the one that...

Don't you remember?
Roger told us...

that Lady Astor had given him
this engraved umbrell...

- You took the umbrella last night.
- Yes, of course.

I put it in Roger's closet with his coat
and hat, just where it belonged.

Mm-hmm.
You sure you got the right one?

Oh, Nick. Yes, of course.

It was the only one there.
Umbrella, I mean. In my dressing room.

Except... Well, Joe did pick up
some of his own things earlier.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Here. Watch it, mate.

Why, Mr. Frame. What a delight. What are...
I thought you'd gone home.

I couldn't get away from the curb.

Some of Lilly's
country cousins came by.

Stopped us. Dreary things.
They'll be talking forever.

So you drop in for a
pint of wallop, eh?

- Uh, what are you having?
- Uh, well, it was bitter.

I'm dying of thirst.
Uh... Uh, Bess, uh,

give us two of the same,
and put it on my account, love.

Yes, sir, Mr. Frame.

Why, that's extremely gracious
of you, Mr. Frame.

Thank you.
Thank you very much. Very nice.

You know, that thing
is rather dangerous. Uh,

you're gonna s*ab somebody with that.

- Let me put it on the stand for you.
- No, no.

No, I'm... I'm very careful
with it, Mr. Frame. Thank you.

- Cheers, Joe.
- To you.

- Ah! Not so rusty after all, huh?
- No, Mr. Frame. It's not bad.

What do you say, Joe?
Uh, a penny a point?

Penny a point?

Oh.

Well, you know,

my rheumatiz.

Oh, rheumatism. All right.
Let's make it a tuppence.

Tuppence a throw, sir?

Well, if it's going to be
high finance.

All a matter of balance, sir.

Well, that cleans me. Here.

Why, thank you, Mr. Frame.
Thank you very much.

Oh, well, that's it, Joe.
I've really got to, uh...

- You're empty again.
- Oh, oh.

- Bess.
- Yes, Mr. Frame.

Drinks all around. You hear me?

- Certainly.
- It's on me. Drinks for the whole house.

Oh, that's... that's gracious of you,
Mr. Frame. Very gracious.

Do you have a minute, sir?

- Excuse me.
- Don't touch me.

Sorry.

Mr. Fenwick?
The stage doorman?

You see, I was at the theater earlier,
but I couldn't find you around anyplace.

I was there
in my post of duty as always.

I wanted to ask you about yesterday,

because you're the only person
who could have noticed anything.

My name is Columbo. I know that
doesn't mean anything around here.

I wish I could find my wallet.

I've got a friend over there
at Scotland Yard... Mr. Durk.

He's chief of all the detectives there.
This is me. Columbo. C-O-L-U-M-B-O.

- Police officer.
- Yes, sir.

- You want to ask me about yesterday?
- I do, sir. Yes.

Well, no. Tomorrow.
"And tomorrow and tomorrow."

Did Mr. Haversham
come to the theater yesterday?

Did he call or anything like that?

If you happen to be referring...

to Sir Roger Haversham,

for 20 years I've been
in his trusted employ...

and never once
have I caught a glimpse of him...

on dress rehearsal day.

It's the shrapnel. Oh!

It sort of makes
the trotters a bit wobbly.

Are you sure about yesterday? I know
sometimes it's kind of hard to remember.

I mean, couldn't Sir Roger
have maybe come to the theater?

- Are you calling me a liar?
- No, sir.

- Saying I wasn't at my post of duty?
- No, sir.

With Monty I was, at El Alamein.
That's where I caught mine.

Mr. Fenwick, could we maybe go
to someplace more dry?

Someplace where we could sit and talk. I mean,
I don't have an umbrella either.

You know something?
Josser nabbed it.

My brolly.
Right up there at the pub.

And, you know,

it's the young ones what does it...

the ones with the long hair.

As I was saying to Mr. Frame,

there's no honor left
in this evil world.

You were saying to who?
To Mr....

Frame. Mr. Nicholas Frame.
The great actor.

Oh, a finer gentleman
never breathed.

And y-you know... You know, he took the time
to buy me a couple of pints.

He did. And for all of them too.

Right there
in the public section.

You mean Mr. Frame
was just now in that same pub?

Yes.

Miss Stanhope, Mr. Frame.
Come in.

Tanner, I was afraid
you'd gone off to bed.

No. Mr. Durk thought it'd be better for me
to stay in the main house tonight.

Of course. Of course.
We don't want any more robberies.

But you know what, Tanner? I got to thinking.
We never looked in the sunroom.

Roger was always putting things
in that, uh, little mahogany desk.

Excuse me, sir, but Mr. Durk did say
he didn't want anything else touched.

Oh, no, no, no.
Just have a look. That's all.

- And if the Irving is there, um...
- Be right back, darling.

Well, now that you're here,
for heaven's sakes, find it.

I am sorry, Tanner. I apologize.

I... I just had to know.

You were right, Lilly.
Still no Irving.

Isn't that typical
of my brainy husband?

Driving all this way out here,
all this distance...

I'll crawl all the way back...
hands and knees.

I want a drink. Uh, Tanner,
do you suppose we could?

Of course, madam.

No, it's too late.
Now come on. Let's go.

Nick, there's something
I'd like to find here.

Something of Roger's
that I always loved.

I'm sorry, madam, but the police were
rather explicit.

Oh, hang the police.

I-It's just that silly old
tweed hat he always wore.

You know the one with the feather in it?
I'd love to have it.

Nick, it must be
in a closet somewhere.

- You want me to get it?
- Tanner, didn't he keep it in the closet?

- Yes, madam. It was kept...
- It does seem a bit ghoulish, dear, but...

Yes, it's not there now, sir.

The Wax Museum picked it up this morning,
along with his cape and umbrella.

Who?

The Wax Museum. They're using it,
I am told, in their new exhibit,

alongside your wax figures
as Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.

I must say I thought it rather an honor
for the late master to be included.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Roger would be pleased.

The Wax Museum?

The things some people will do
to sell tickets.

And do you mean to say
you let them walk out of here with...

Actually, madam, it was the downstairs maid
who saw the gentlemen.

This was before
Mr. Durk came, of course.

But I must say I really saw
nothing wrong about it.

Of course. We must all be willing to
share his memory with the public.

Yes, I'm... I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm being selfish.

I think it's just lovely
that now the whole world...

will be able to see... everything.

Oh, dear.

Hi, Mr. Tanner. Look, I'm sure sorry
if I got you out of bed,

but at least it doesn't look like
you were asleep.

- Do you mind if I come in?
- Seems to me you are in.

Well, look. It's just a little thing
I wanted to ask you about.

It's unimportant,
but, well, it's about an umbrella.

An umbrella?

Come with me.

Come along, love.

Smells like the Roman catacombs.

A storeroom, I think.
I was here before.

They keep all the things
for each exhibit in a big box.

Jolly. Just like a treasure hunt.

If we don't get Roger's umbrella
back where it belongs and get Joe's out...

You don't have to rub it in.
It wasn't my fault.

Oh, Nicky, look.
Aren't they marvelous?

I've always wanted to be
in a horror film.

- Well, you certainly qualify.
- Thanks.

Oh. Over here.

Sorry, Roger.

Ah. Here you are, sir.

Did Sergeant O'Keefe explain
what this American wanted?

- Yes, I got the message.
- Jones here is unlocking for us, sir.

Jones, you say.
Well, I hope we're not wasting his time.

Uh...

I just hope you don't think
it's a waste of time, sir.

Like I told your sergeant on the telephone,
I know I shouldn't be interfering like this.

Nonsense. You're our guest here.
I invited you on the case myself. We're, uh...

We're most fortunate
to have your assistance.

Thank you.
Thank you very much, sir.

'Cause, you see, it's been bothering me.

Whoever arranged
that little scene on the staircase...

must have known that house pretty well...
and Sir Roger's habits too.

Gentlemen, um,
see, this is where Sir Roger will go.

Right next to the new Macbeth there.

Will you come this way, gentlemen?
All our storage is downstairs.

When are you opening your exhibit?

Oh, in a few days. And now that his death
is a m*rder, we'll hurry it up.

Naturally, you know,
people do enjoy that sort of thing.

- And over here...
- Ruddy lifelike set of arms there.

Uh, come over this way, because I think
Sir Roger's things are in one of these baskets.

I didn't think there was any harm, Mr. Durk,
in letting them have, uh, Sir Roger's clothes.

After all, he was famous
for the way he dressed.

Oh, good heavens.
Look. Look. Look.

Oh. Good heavens.

That's not wax.

Oh, yes, sir. We took it from a bust
that was made last year.

It's not a bad likeness.

Oh, uh... Ah, yes. Here we are.

Now then, exactly what is it
you're looking for in here?

- The umbrella, sir.
- Oh, yeah.

You see, I have this theory
that it might be the wrong one.

Otherwise, why would
the stage doorman's be stolen?

I mean, if the stage doorman's umbrella
somehow got mixed up with Sir Roger's...

Quite. Quite. We would know exactly where
Sir Roger went last night.

If indeed he went anywhere at all.

- Ah. Here you are, sir.
- Oh. Thank you.

Mr. Tanner said that the maid might not have
noticed a difference when they took the stuff out.

Mr. Tanner, could you identify this?

Oh, yes. That's it. That's it.
Rosewood, you see.

That was a gift from Lady Astor years ago.

The... Yes, the engraving's
a bit faded,

and, of course, they've had
the material changed time and again.

No, no. You're wrong.
You have to be wrong.

It is Sir Roger's.
I recognize it myself.

No, that's impossible.

Unless, of course, somebody...

Mr. Tanner, who else has been asking you
about umbrellas?

Possibly just before
I arrived at the house tonight.

No one.

- Are you certain?
- Absolutely.

I could have sworn...

On my way up the house,

my taxi was almost hit
by one of those English sports cars.

The same kind as Mr. Frame drives.

We do have quite a number
of English cars over here.

And I suppose you can find
dangerous drivers anywhere.

There's got to be an explanation.

- Somebody feel a draft?
- A draft?

I think I feel a draft.
Maybe there's a window open.

Maybe somebody got in here
through a window.

- Is this the only window?
- Oh, yes, sir. That's the only window.

- Hmm.
- So your bird has flown.

- Hmm? What?
- Your little theory, Columbo.

- Good Lord. Look at the time.
- Wait. Please.

There has to be an explanation.

Oh, come, come, come, come.
Don't be so distressed.

At least it's been amusing chasing an
American wild goose for a change, eh?

Hmm?

"Astonishing," he says.

"One would never have guessed
that this radiant ingenue of years past...

could deliver such power
as Lady Macbeth...

almost as though
she were born for the part."

- What's that? The Express?
- Mmm. I love him.

"And as for Mr. Nicholas Frame's
surprisingly eloquent interpretation...

of this Shakespearean tragedy,
I think it's the best..."

Here. Let's trade.

Ah. Listen to this.
"Regretfully, though,

Mr. Nicholas Frame's still glorious voice
was in charge of the evening...

charging in various
noble directions."

- I thought I'd hidden that one.
- Coward.

Well, one out of 10, you know.
That's not bad.

Oh, I'm lovely. I'm gorgeous.

I'm the greatest actress
since Sarah Bernhardt.

Oh, darling.
They actually liked us.

Success, Your Majesty.

Stark, raving success.

After all those years
of those miserable second leads.

Now nothing can stop us, can it?

And no one will ever be able to prove
that we were within miles of Roger...

Listen. More cables
and telegrams.

Go on. Answer it. Answer it.

Tanner.

Good morning, sir.
I hope I'm not too early.

Excuse me. Uh, I happened to notice the
Guardian just reached the newsstands.

I thought perhaps
you'd like to, uh, glance at it.

Oh. That's... That's
very thoughtful of you.

Gives us quite a rave, sir.
I'm delighted to read that, up to now,

uh, you've only received one,
shall we say, inadequate notice.

Oh, but that was...

- What's this?
- Croissants, sir.

Nick, what is it? Oh.

Oh, good morning, madam.
I brought you some croissants.

Fresh from that nice old dairy
on the corner of your street.

I thought that
after your triumph last night,

the least I could do
was to serve you breakfast in bed.

Tanner, what the devil...

I'm afraid I won't be able
to stay very long today.

When someone in my position
suffers a tragic loss, madam,

one has to think of
one's future employment.

But we already have a maid.

Hmm. Scarcely adequate
for persons of your station.

- Wouldn't you say?
- Uh, now, now. See here.

Tanner, was it you, by any chance,
who happened to notice my husband...

buying tickets to Covent Garden
the other day...

and told Sir Roger about it?

Oh, very regrettable.

But, uh, loyalty to one's master.

- Filthy snoop.
- I told you it wasn't Miss Dudley.

- Throw him out of here.
- Madam, please, please.

You know, Sir Roger was beginning to show
signs of distrust...

with regard to your amorous
interest in him.

But be rest assured, both of you,

that in your employ
my loyalty will be doubly great.

I take it that's the kitchen in there.

- Nick!
- Wait. Uh, Tanner.

- Yes.
- What else?

Let me think. Oh, yes. Uh,

it might interest you to know that
your concern about a certain umbrella...

hasn't been mentioned to a single soul.

But I do hope that
certain other umbrellas...

have been properly disposed of
in the river by now.

Tanner,

what sort of wages would you expect,
working for us?

Oh, madam. Don't let's talk about that
until after breakfast.

Holmes. Sherlock Holmes was,
I suppose, our most famous detective.

But I'm sure you noticed on your visit
to our new file section at the Yard...

why he wouldn't even
qualify these days.

No, no.
In our modern police...

Those fish-and-chips are greasy,
but they're sure good.

- What were you saying, sir?
- Uh, special section.

Well, as you've only
a couple of days here,

I expect you'd like to see
how we handle some of our larger cases.

I think I can lay that on for you. As a matter
of fact, we had a very interesting case...

That's Big Ben, isn't it?

Yes.

Boy, that's terrific. A thing that old,
and it's only a minute slow.

Really? We must put
another penny on the governor.

- Did you get petrol?
- Yes, of course I got petrol.

Now, watch it, darling.

There. Take these.

- Is there any air in these tires?
- Oh.

Tie that tightly.

Nicky, supposing you had
a flat tire.

Of course there's air.

- Listen. We've gotta hurry.
- Uh, no, I know. We do.

"This deed I'll do
before this purpose cools."

And stop acting.

Lilly.

D-D-Do we really have to do this?

Nick, we've been through
all that before.

What else can we do?

Lilly, if we get out there
too early,

the police might still be there.

But that's what the bicycle is for...

so that you can ride in the back way,
and no one will notice you.

I haven't ridden a bicycle for 10 years.

You can't start practicing now.

Besides,

Tanner says there won't be
any police there...

because they haven't started
doing an inventory yet.

They have to wait for...
for an expert from Oxford.

Ah, yes. What would we have done
without Tanner, huh?

Good old, faithful Tanner.

- "I knew him well!"
- You're off again.

Ah, yah.

Ah. There you are.

Frame. This your bicycle?

Yes. I, uh...
I had a flat up the road.

A farmer's fixing it for me,

so I borrowed this from, uh,
his kid and came in the back way.

What have we got here?

The books, sir. I'm going to post them
to our numbered box as we arranged.

- I just want to have a look. That's all.
- You know, sir... excuse me saying so...

But I am rather concerned
about removing any more books.

Oh. Oh, nonsense, Tanner.

We're all in this together now,
aren't we?

Can't very well pay you suitable
wages without the wherewithal.

I see. And, of course, it would make it look
more like a robbery, wouldn't it?

- After you, sir.
- Get in there!

Mr. Tanner.

Mr. Tanner, where are you, sir?

I've been trying to phone you
from the house.

Lieutenant.

Lieutenant.

Good news, sir.

We found something
pretty important.

You did? I knew you would,
because I just...

I couldn't believe
the stupid stuff in the newspaper.

Your suitcase, sir.
I've got it in the car.

- Just in the nick of time, eh?
- Mr. O'Keefe...

Well, we'd better be getting
to the airport pretty quick, sir.

Tell me something.

It says here the butler did it.
Chief Superintendent Durk...

Does he really believe that Mr. Tanner k*lled
Sir Roger, panicked and then k*lled himself?

Uh, there was some evidence.

I mean, the butler had quite a little
cache of Sir Roger's best books...

including the Irving...
stashed away beneath the floorboards.

Must be worth...
close to half a million...

- I know, but...
- As to what the papers guess at...

and what Durk really thinks...

He's not much to live with today.
I can tell you that, sir.

You know, I keep thinking to myself,
if I had stayed out of his hair,

if maybe I hadn't come up with
my theory and butted in...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No blame, sir. No. Well, he told you
so himself when he said good-bye.

- It's not your fault there are no clues.
- And all we needed was one little one.

Like where Sir Roger was that one night.

Well, as I always say to the missus, sir,
a policeman's lot is not an happy one.

Yeah.

You know, I bet I've read
this thing a hundred...

Didn't read that part.

That exhibit at the London Wax Museum is
opening this afternoon. Would you take me?

Now, we gotta call Mr. Durk,
ask him to meet us there.

Oh, and I want to buy
something... an umbrella.

All those sweet people.
They're just lovely people.

Uh, my name is Jones,
Miss Stanhope and Mr. Frame.

- Uh, perhaps you remember me.
- Of course. Of course.

We got your message, hurried over
as quickly as we could.

Aren't you a little late with the opening?
They'll break down the door.

Yes. A bit, but...

Oh, look!
Drapes and everything.

Oh, what's the idea, Jones?
You going to have a regular unveiling?

Oh, yes, sir.
In a manner of speaking.

I thought it might be something like that,
so on the way over I made some notes.

- I'll be glad to say a few words.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you very much, sir.

Uh, excuse me.

- They here yet, Jones?
- Yes, sir. They just arrived.

That's Mr. Durk's car, sir.
He's beaten us to it.

Good luck, Lieutenant.

Where the devil is...

Columbo?

Boy, a lot of people here.

Why, Mr. Durk.

- Miss Stanhope, Mr. Frame.
- Oh, and, Lieutenant.

You're beginning to look
exactly like a Londoner.

Oh, you mean this.
No, no, ma'am. I just bought this.

You see, ever since I've been in London,
I've been thinkin' and thinkin',

what would be the best souvenir
to bring back to Los Angeles?

- I thought you'd be on your way home by now.
- Right. But I sort of missed the plane.

Anyway, it suddenly
struck me... an umbrella.

Mr. Jones, did someone
ask you to invite us here?

What are those curtains doing there?

I thought we were
going to get to see an exhibit.

- Jones.
- Oh, yes.

Yes. I'm dying to see it.

After all that silly business
we had modeling for it.

There you are, sir.

Quite remarkable.

- Yes, it is.
- Do I really look like that?

Marvelous. Let me tell you.
I don't want to repeat myself,

but the other night when I saw
that performance that you two...

Durk, will you please explain
what we're doing here?

Why don't you ask the tour guide?

What about the other one?
Isn't Mr. Haversham ready?

Oh, yes. Yes.

I'm sure you want to see this too.
It's part of the exhibit.

Look at that.
Boy, isn't that something.

Of course, I didn't know him
the way you folks did.

I guess you were
closer to him than anybody.

Poor Roger.

Kind of shakes ya, doesn't it?

Do you know, they have stuff
in the chamber of horrors here...

that actually makes my skin crawl?

I think it's disgusting...
putting him on display.

Oh, listen.
I know how you must feel.

And I sympathize with ya.

But somebody's been m*rder*d.
And you know what they tell me?

They tell me folks around here
kind of enjoy that sort of thing.

You want to bet they hang up a figure
of Mr. Tanner too?

Most people, Columbo,
have frightful taste.

Yourself included.

Now you'll have to excuse us.
Come along, Lilly.

Not just yet, sir.

If you think we're going to play
some sort of charade with this ridiculous...

Gee, Mr. Frame,
I'm always getting you angry.

I'm sorry about that.
It must be my accent or something.

But I wanted you here because I wanted you
to help me prove something.

Um, I think I'll get rid of this.

I don't think Mr. Tanner k*lled anybody like
the newspapers are saying.

I think it was you.

Oh, Lieutenant. Just when
I was beginning to like you.

This is going to sound silly,
but Sir Roger...

He was k*lled someplace else,
and his body was moved later on.

And if I can only prove
where it was that he drove that night...

prove who it was
that he went to see...

then everything
will start falling into place.

Well, he did not come to see us.
Now, how many times...

No, sir. Not to your
dressing room in the theater.

It was to yours.

That's where the umbrellas come in.

I guess umbrellas are the kind of thing
that I can understand.

You know, I've been watching people...

to see what they do with umbrellas
when they come in out of the rain.

They close the umbrella,

they give it a shake like this,

and they find someplace
to lean it against.

But...

they never fasten this strap
because then it won't dry properly.

- Fascinating.
- There's only one problem with that.

Sometimes things drop in.

Almost anything can drop in.

So I got to thinking...

if maybe that's what Sir Roger did
with his umbrella,

and something dropped
into it... that night,

well, then maybe, uh...

I got these things here somewhere.

Just give me a moment, would ya?

Oh. Forgive me.

Amazing likeness, isn't it?

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Ma'am, the other night,
I stepped on a pearl in your dressing room.

I have some more just like it. I got it from
your costumer. She says she makes them.

Oh, yes.

Well, maybe, if the necklace was broken
in a fight like you said...

But... But that... that was Nicky and I.

Uh, Jones, bring us
that umbrella, would you?

Oh, yes.

Yes, sir.

Well, there's a chance...

a pretty good chance
that if the fight was with Sir Roger...

No. No, it wasn't.

Well, there's no point speculating.

Mr. Jones. Could we move back
just a little, give the gentleman room.

Mr. Jones, would you open
the umbrella, sir?

Why, it's the same.
Exactly the same.

Well, ma'am?

Sir?

"Sir."

"Sir."

"Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow... and tomorrow..."

Nicky, stop it.

He put it there. Can't you see?
Before we came.

He put it there!

Uh, Jones, has anybody but you
touched that umbrella?

No, sir. I'll testify to that.

He must have done it
when we weren't looking.

Oh, Nicky, please!

He... He was mad. Don't you see?

- Yes, ma'am.
- He... He didn't know what he was doing.

- I know he didn't, ma'am.
- And Sir Roger... That was my fault.

- I understand.
- It was an accident. I... I swear it!

Oh, Mr. Durk...

Don't be too hard on Nicky.

You must try to understand.

Yes, well, uh, I think we can
settle all this at the Yard.

- Smythe, will, uh, you take over, eh?
- Very good, sir.

"And fury."

"Tomorrow... and tomorrow..."

Thank you, Mr. Jones.

And now I believe you can replace
the umbrella and open your doors.

Anything for the Yard, Mr. Durk.

It's been very, um, interesting.

- Ah. Bit of luck, eh?
- Hmm?

How did you know
that bead was in there?

Oh. Just the odds.

The odds were very poor,
and you know it.

Come now. You can do better than that.
Off the record, eh?

Well, Mr. Durk, when you were maybe in
the third or fourth grade,

and there was a pretty redheaded girl
in the front row,

and you couldn't get her attention, um...

Well, go on.

Just a little trick I learned.

Excuse me. Throat.

Amazing likeness.

By Jove.

Sir?