02x01 - iGuess Everyone Just Hates Me

[bunniefuu]

What is it?

What isn't it?

It's a nine-layer brunch dip.
Combines all your favorites.

Thank you for filling
out my Google survey.

I'm still not sure why I had to tell you

what deodorant I use.

'Cause you smell like an angel.

For Carly, we have
oatmeal, berries and bacon.

For Freddie, we've got grapes,
coffee and leftover pizza.

And for Harper we've got figs, caviar,

spicy Bloody Mary.

Dig in.

Hey, Freddie, should
you be having a mimosa?

I thought you were on
antibiotics for your...

special friend in your... special place.

Oh, you mean my penis parasite?

I'm good.

After two months of
round-the-clock meds,

I can pee standing up again.

It's a brand-new day for my genitals.

Did you see? There's a new
episode of my favorite show.

Oh, no, don't tell me Wes
and Beau made a new one.

Okay, I won't tell you.

Showing hurts more.

Wake up, nation.

I'm Wes, this is my boy Beau,

and we're here with
another episode of...

The Weau Bros Show.

Beau, my man, how are you feeling today?

Good, but, uh, also like... mad.

Beau and I saved
Carly's life at Webicon,

an event she dragged us to...

on my Nonna's half-birthday.

Whoa, bro.

Then she dumped both
of us in a helicopter.

Which was badass... but mean.

Now, no matter how many
girls I hook up with...

- Which is a lot.
- Appreciate you, fam.

I can't commit.

All because of Carly.

BOTH: The Ice Queen.

DEEP VOICE: Ice Queen.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'd expect that from Beau, but Wes?

He's become such a douche,

he makes Chet Hanks look like Tom Hanks.

Yeah. He works "craft beer"
into every conversation.

And they're having people
mail ice to the Ice Queen.

It makes no sense. It melts.

We just end up with wet boxes.

Well, it's official.

The Internet hates me.

This is where you guys go, "No, no."

ALL: No, no.

Don't tell me what to do.

♪ I know, you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see ♪

♪ The brighter side of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪

Oh, you're so lucky Double Dutch

left Kevin with you while she's on tour.

I scraped my knee earlier

and she came over with a slipper.

It wasn't what I needed
but it was so cute.

So, dog still hates you?

Yes, and if Kevin hates me,
Dutch is going to hate me.

This is the fourth meal
I've made her today.

But this beautiful little
idiot won't eat anything

I feed her.

No, she won't. No, she won't.

Okay, it's all hands on deck.

The Weau Bros Show's latest video

has me hemorrhaging subscribers.

I need to win back the Internet.

Can't handle the pressure of
being the main character, huh?

I cannot.

Hit me, no bad ideas.

How do I go from Ice
Queen to Nice Queen?

Queen Latifah! Is that anything?

- Writing it down.
- Yeah!

- Millicent, go.
- Um... pass.

Writing that down too. Harper?

Everyone, meet Dr. Pearl Wallace.

She's the Kevin app's
certified animal therapist.

We already met on Zoom.

Hey, what's a certified
animal therapist?

A pet psychic with student loan debt.

Pearl's here to help with Kevin.

We can hear you two fighting
all the way down the hall.

All right then, let's
see what you can do,

little Miss Wild Thornberry.

Her drop-dead beautiful
exterior's masking

a seething inner rage.

Then we should be connecting better,

'cause that's my whole deal too.

You want a treat, you majestic floof?

It's not the food you feed the dog,

it's the energy you feed the dog.

I know you're helping, but I hate you.

If she meant that,
you'd be crying already.

Thanks again for coming.

I could never leave a
dog, or my favorite CEO,

in distress.

Well, you're my favorite
certified animal therapist.

You're the only one I
know, but still, congrats.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I'll see you at the launch party.

- See you on Zoom.
- Bye.

Speaking of the launch party,

how's the planning going, Spencer?

Amazing. We're going primal.

I thought we could all
eat with our hands tied

behind our backs like the animals do.

Spencer, I'm still trying
to rebuild my reputation

after my last failed start-up,

and this is my opportunity to prove

that I'm a serious businessman.

This party needs to
be the opposite of lit.

So let's get... dim?

I can keep an eye on Spencer.

Good idea. Millicent is
great at serious parties.

The theme of her tenth
birthday was The Magna Carta.

Tenth and eleventh.

Establishing the power
of law is not something

that can be contained to one afternoon

at a Build-A-Bear.

Great, that's settled.

Now help me, please.

I know I said there are no bad ideas,

but are you seeing this whiteboard?

- You gotta top Queen Latifah.
- (SCOFFS) With what?!

(DOOR SLAMS)

Have you tried just
talking with them directly?

Oh, you mean handle my
problems in the most direct

and adult way possible?

No, I have not.

♪ ♪

Man, this was such a bad idea.

I thought if I had Wes
and Beau on my show,

I could tell my side of the story.

But look at them.

They're so committed to this bit.

Can we get started? It's hot in here.

Maybe you should take those adorable

woodland creatures off your heads.

The winter gear is because Carly...

BOTH: Is an Ice Queen.

Freddie, please just do the countdown.

In five, four,

three, two.

Hey, friends. As promised,
I've got two very special guests

for this very special
live episode of iCarly.

Everybody's favorite
ex-BF's turned BFF's...

- Wes and Beau.
- (BOTH SHIVER)

They're here to have a good long chat

about their feelings, 'cause
when boys have feelings,

everybody needs to know.

Look, I never wanted
to hurt either of you.

But you both told me that you loved me,

and I didn't feel the same,

so I thought it'd be
worse to lead you on.

I really am sorry.

If you really don't want
to date either of us,

you must not be capable of love at all.

You're gonna be a lonely, alone person.

No hobbies, no boyfriend, just
you and your word searches.

That's not true!

- I will have a boyfriend.
- Yeah.

Because I do have a boyfriend.

I'm in a hot, hot relationship...

that is very hot, and very relationship.

Well, that wraps up this
very special episode.

Wait. With who?

What a rude question.

Uh...

- Um...
- Me!

Yes. Freddie is my boyfriend.

BOTH: Whoa, bro.

♪ ♪

(LAUGHS)

Freddie, our first date as a
fake couple is going amazing.

I can read my viewer comments
without bursting into tears.

- No more death threats, baby.
- (GIGGLES)

You know, I'm actually glad
the apple orchard was closed.

Digging for onions is equally romantic.

Hey, how's this for a caption?

- "Our love has layers."
- Yes.

Ooh, hey. Do you think Millicent
would like this onion root doll?

Actually, yeah.

Thanks for doing this.

I know you're really busy.

Hey. What are producers
slash best friends

slash sort of exes for?

Plus, it's good publicity for my app.

This is working out so well.

And all I had to do was
what women have been doing

since the dawn of time:

Say I have a boyfriend to
get men to stop bothering me.

(GASPS) Oh, it's them.

We went to three different
onion patches to find you guys.

We've been waiting years
for you two to get together.

We're obsessed.

Emily, shut up. Be cool.

We wanna hear exactly how it happened.

Take us on the "In-Creddie-ble" journey.

- We're obsessed.
- Emily.

When did you know? Where did you know?

Oh, my God, how did you know?

He pulled up to my house,
and he held a boombox

over his head and...

You guys don't know who
John Cusack is, do you?

That's exactly what happened.

ALL: Aw!

- Obsessed.
- Emily.

Creddie forevvie. See, it's on my shirt.

Mom. What are you doing here?

She was our ride.

You're not my first choice,
but I trust Fredward's judgment.

Just remember, you may sleep with him,

but I'm the one who tucks him in.

Let's see you kiss.

ALL: Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

Kiss. Kiss. Come on.

(LAUGHTER AND SCREAMS)

Ooh. Steamy.

Get a room.

He gets his raw animal magnetism
from my side of the family.

One ticket to the
family reunion, please.

I'm not gonna tell you
again, you gotta stop it.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ ♪

You are very tense,

which is ridiculous because
you live an easy life.

- You are being impossible.
- No, I'm not!

- Harper, this launch party...
- Shh.

Dutch texted asking for
a picture of us together,

so I'm trying to get her to relax.

I haven't rubbed on a bitch
this much since prom night.

Got it. Would you please tell Millicent

that Freddie put me in charge?

But Freddie put me in charge of Spencer.

I am a (SHUDDERS) year-old man.

I know parties. Two
words: Human bowling ball.

Whereas I'm thinking classical music,

understated florals and soft cheeses

with unpronounceable names.

Spencer, Freddie is counting
on you to make this party adult.

You need to listen to the -year-old.

Fine, but only for Freddie. And you.

And Harper, 'cause I
respect her opinion.

♪ ♪

Be longer.

Hello... Oh, my God,
that is your entire back.

Yep. Just casually % naked.

Can you come zip me up?

Yeah.

This whole fake relationship thing

isn't bringing up any real
feelings for you, is it?

Nah. No.

Why, what about you?

Did my kiss unlock some
dark, secret yearning

lying dormant at the
bottom of your heart?

No. Of the eight times we've kissed,

I'd rank that one... seventh.

- So. Big launch party tonight.
- Yeah.

You ready to act all
lovey-dovey on my livestream?

I will be.

Um... Actually, can
you... My mom normally...

Yeah. Okay, mm, this goes

through here tight,
and then here, and...

Wow, I did not know
I knew how to do this.

My Avril Lavigne phase really paid off.

Oh, s-sorry to interrupt.

No, you're not interrupting.

I think you might
wanna get to the party.

- It looks a bit... somber.
- Somber?

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Who d*ed?

Apparently you.

- Then what's in the coffin?
- Bones.

Ooh, bones for dogs to chew on,

but still, not great.

Ah? So? Is this serious enough for you?

(SCOFFS) Yeah, you really
got the message across.

That my app is dead on arrival.

Before you judge, have
you seen the soft cheeses?

It's everything you wanted.

Chic dress code, focus
on you, boring as hell.

Spencer, look around you.

What sad event does this remind you of?

- Oh.
- Yep, yep, yep. We threw a funeral.

I gotta go see if I can salvage this.

Spencer, can you please,
just... I don't know,

brighten the place up a bit?

I'm on it!

Hi, I was told to brighten things up.

Ha, ha. Can I have either
of your phone numbers?

- Wow. You guys look amazing.
- Thank you.

Based on Spencer's description,
I figured we should dress

for a funeral that he
didn't know he was throwing.

Mm.

No, no, no, it's a cake for eating.

I don't want anyone to pop out of it.

Well, let her out.

Is there anything I can do to help?

I need this party to be fun.

I have access to a lot of animal dr*gs.

Oh, I am joking about
that. I've never done weed.

No one cool has.

I should've planned this party myself.

I was too focused on iCarly.

Of course you were. I mean,
Carly's your girlfriend, so...

Oh, no, no. Carly's not my girlfriend.

That's just for the channel.
I'm single. Very single.

Not in an undateable way.

Just a regular... very single.

Oh. Neat.

I mean, whatever.

But I mean neat. I think it's neat.

You do?

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

Buddy, you gotta pick up the pace.

(PACE QUICKENS)

Nope.

(PLAYS "CHARGE")

This party looks like a home run to me!

Hey, everyone,

coming to you live from
my love's launch party.

The Kevin app is the cutting
edge of animal therapy.

It really is.

I downloaded it ten minutes ago

and now I don't feel
bad about my passive role

in climate change.

You're so strong, Tati.
You're my best friend.

Look. I had my grandmother's
ring sized for Carly.

Just in case.

How'd you know Carly's ring size?

What? (GIGGLES) Are you accusing me

of breaking in last night
while Carly was asleep,

measuring her finger,
then singing a few bars

of "Landslide" just to
ensure pleasant dreams?

Harper, you are so silly.

Now, where is the hubby-to-be?

Let's go find him.

Freddie, my little stinker,
your mom did something

very sweet and expensive
and a dot illegal.

Come check it out.

(SCREAMS)

- (ALL GASP)
- (PLAYS CHORD LOUDLY)

I should have warned you,
that kind of sexual charisma

cannot be contained. (GIGGLES)

My little Burt Reynolds.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

♪ ♪

I know what you have to do.

Dump me.

I'm a dirty, rotten cheater.
You gotta cut me loose.

No, I can't let you
take the fall for this.

This is your launch party.

Don't you see? This is the answer

to your problem, people
love a woman scorned.

But they don't love a woman angry.

Only men get to do that.

So, do whatever you want,
but be chill about it.

Okay. Thanks, Freddie.

And also, I'm sorry.

- For what?
- This.

Who was that for?

(GASPS)

(RINGING)

Dutch.

Oh, it's my two girls.

Yeah, the two amigas.

Kevin, let's show
mommy that game we play

where you pretend you can't
stand to be held by me.

Oh, yeah, great job. You doing it.

We had fun.

Harper, my tour got extended.

Oh. Congratulations.
That's-that's such great news.

I'm really happy for you.

You must be confused
because I look devastated,

but I just have resting devastated face.

Come with me. My next stop is Bavaria.

They say it's the Texas of Germany.

As restrictive to my
rights as that place sounds,

I can't just pick up and leave.

The thing is I'm gone for six months.

Oh. I guess we could try long distance?

Oh. No, I can't.

Phone sex is illegal in Germany.

Maybe we just have to
wait until we're back

in the same place.

Which is what we said
we were going to do.

Uh, only instead of six days from now,

it's six months from now.

Look, I...

I know you're right but
this just really sucks.

It does. But you know what could

really help? Why don't you keep Kevin?

No.

I mean, she would just remind me of you.

That makes sense. (SNIFFLES)

Okay, well, I'll just have
my mom pick her up, then.

Goodbye, Harper. For now.

Bye.

♪ ♪

(SNIFFLES)

Aw. Thanks, Kev. (SNIFFLES)

♪ ♪

Wait, her mom could've
taken you this whole time?

♪ ♪

It's like I finally got a taste
of what real love looks like,

then poof,

it's touring the Black Forest.

I love Bavaria. It reminds me of Texas.

Do you think Pearl and Carly
have the same size ring finger?

It looks that way, but
Carly's all knuckle.

Here lies Creddie.

- We had a good run.
- Mm-hmm.

Until I k*lled it with my lusty ways.

I'm a bad, bad boyfriend.

Probably because I'm such a good CEO.

And that is why I have
magnanimously and warmfully

ended things with Freddie.

Please respect our privacy
during this difficult time.

In lieu of being mad at him,

donations can be made to the Pear store

in the form of purchasing the Kevin app.

Boo!

- Now, now, don't boo Freddie.
- We're not.

We're booing Pearl.

She's a homewrecker!

(GASPS) Shut up, Emily.

Preddie forevvie.

Mrs. Benson!

I love who Freddie loves.

Carly can choke.

I've known you my whole life.

You taught me how to use a tampon.

Oh, I'll teach you too, dear.

And hating Pearl is an insane opinion.

Insane, but popular.

"Pearl makes me hurl" is trending.

Maybe they're talking
about a different Pearl.

No, your last name's Wallace, right?

And you live at
North Bell Creek Terrace?

She got doxxed? How did that happen?

Put her driver's license back.

- And stop the organ music!
- (MUSIC STOPS)

Here. Freddie, get this.

Freddie and I were never together.

I just said that because
people were demonizing me

for not reciprocating
Wes and Beau's feelings.

And Freddie's...

Freddie's the best, so...

he went along with it.

And he and Pearl would
be great together.

You can hate me.

At least you'll be
hating me for the truth.

Please don't hate me.

(SCREAMS)

Boom! Brightened it up.

Who was that for?

♪ ♪

"Dang, Carly, stop lying.

"We've all been cheated on.

Pathetic how you're trying
to save face by pretending

the relationship never existed."

Oh. "Carly, I would never
cheat on you, queen."

Then ten minutes later,
he called you a lot

of mean names for not responding.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

"Freddie is a baller."
"Freddie is a boss."

"Freddie, can I be
your third girlfriend?"

Oh, wow, she is pretty.

Gross. This-this is bad. I hate this.

Well, now they're sending you vacuums,

'cause you suck.

Ooh, a Dyson. Thank you, hater.

You okay, Carly?

People are gonna think
what they wanna think.

And my real fans never left me.

That's who I make content for.

Them and the people who
hate watching on repeat.

Still counts.

Did you guys see the new Weau Bros Show?

(GASPS) Spencer, you get
to sh**t a reaction vid

of me watching Carly watch it.

I'm just saying, I respect Carly

for standing up for Pearl.

Nah, bro, all women are the same.

That is a really myopic view
of gender and personality.

Look, man. I don't know
what "myopic" means,

but I know I don't like it!

I quit!

But I just bought you all
that yogurt for the break room!

ALL: Whoa, bro.

♪ ♪

Ooh.

He hates these cans!