02x17 - Dead Moon Walking Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪♪

[cheering]

Welcome aboard
the Death Moose Caboose.

Now departing for a traditional
weekend "Log and Hog."

First stop, the Log Museum,

followed by gorging
all-we-can-gorge

at the Gluttony Gulch Buffet.

HONEYBEE: Now, why do they call the
area we're going to Death Moose?

Are there dead moose everywhere?

Wait, am I saying that right?
Is "moose" plural?

Mooses seems very wrong.
Mooses.

Mooses. Mooses.

It's only named that
because it's exactly halfway

between Death Cliff
and Lone Moose.

It's a small strip of basically
abandoned roadside shops

set back and hidden by trees.

And if you didn't already know
it was there,

you would never find it.

That's why it's so perfect
because we usually get

Gluttony Gulch Buffet
all to ourselves.

That way no one has to witness

how gross we all are at buffets,
because we are monsters.

- I'm gonna make myself so sick.
- Well, you won't get

any judgment from me
about your buffet style.

I know my way
around a smorgasbord.

Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look.

I lined my purse with tinfoil
for leftovers.

I'm gonna fill
this thing up with lasagna

and up here, crab rangoon.

Before we fill our mouth
holes with buffet foods,

let's fill our brain holes
with log knowledge.

Oop. Here we go.

Hello, logs.

[snoring]

Aw. He's asleep.

Oh, sorry. [mutters]
Hope I wasn't sawing logs.

I could accidentally
ruin the museum.

[both laughing]

Oh, good, log jokes.
Maybe I'll wait in the car.

Well, and what do we have here?

It's the Tobin twigs and berries.

- Hi.
- T-That's not what that means.

And, Horton,
may I introduce Honeybee.

She's...
[imitating Borat] my wife.

Ugh, babe, what did we say?

[normal voice] Sorry,
to make sure I also say...

- [imitating Borat] She's nice.
- [laughing] There it is.

All right, we are ready
for some hardcore

log museum-ing, right, g*ng?

- Oh, they-they walked away.
- Well, museum's all yours.

Oh, and, Beef, make sure
you really savor today's visit.

- Okay?
- I always do.

Let's get a closer look-see
at this baby log-see.

Oh, this twig's
got me under her spell.

[chuckles] Uh-oh,
I feel a twig jig coming on.

Clear the dance floor,
I'm gonna do my twig jig.

[laughs]
Oh. Nobody's looking at me.

- I-I'm not gonna do it.
- Whee!

[sighs] All of the thrills,
none of the moisture.

These are... fun,

- but is ChewBarka missing an eye?
- HAM: Yeah. He used to have two,

but now I pretend he's winking.

- Oh, wow, very...
- Don't worry, Honeybee,

you don't have to pretend
to be interested in the logs.

We're really just here for these.

Technically, each patron
is only allowed one

chocolate-covered pretzel log
per visit,

but if Mr. Horton
doesn't see you eat them...

That dude just keeps
refilling the jar.

Okay. Yeah, I'm in. These
things are my whole life now.

Sorry the kids always eat
all your chocolate logs, Horton,

and sorry they're not better
at hiding it.

Ah, you know me, Beef,
I'm a pushover.

Hard for me to say no to
anyone who loves my museum.

What's not to enjoy?
I mean, come on, look at this.

So many of the wood world's
brightest stars,

including the
pièce de résistance,

Cocobolo, the single most
stunning log in the world.

It's like Mother Earth
made the oceans

and the land and then thought,

"You know what? I'm gonna
make something just for me,"

and then someone chopped it up
and brought it right here for us

to see with our unworthy eyes.

I know how you feel
about the logs, Beef,

and that's why it's so hard
for me to tell you that,

well, I have to close the museum.

- You shut your filthy log hole!
- [yelps]

Oh, sorry. Are you joking?

Nope. My -year
ground lease is up,

and the owner sold the literal
ground out from under me.

This is our last week, Beef.
I'm sorry.

I know how much this place
means to you.

Horton, no, I'm not ready
to log off yet.

[groans] I didn't mean
to be playful like that.

I'm actually very upset.

WOLF: Look at him
over there, Honeybee.

He's absolutely crushed
about the ding darn museum.

Only getting soup at a buffet?

- It's the saddest thing I can think of.
- They don't even serve soup.

That's just orange juice
in a bowl. [sighs]

I don't know what to do. I mean,
he freaking loves the Log Museum.

Honestly, I'm not sure
if he'll be able

to recover from losing it.

I mean, losing Mom
was one thing, but logs?

Um, Wolf, what, uh,
what're you doing there?

- This is how I make salad.
- Sweet baby cheeses,

you really are
disgusting buffet people.

Dad used to make me wear
buffet coveralls,

so I have improved a little bit.

Now, I got to add some crunch.

Okay, strawberry soft serve,
macaroni and cheese,

chicken nuggets, ketchup,

now to stir them
all together and...

Uh-oh, Debbie's here.
My friend who is also my bully.

Should I say hi? Or just
walk away very...

Oh, no, she saw me.
Oh, no, I saw her...

playing with a doll.

- RUSSELL: Moon, what did you do?
- I saw Debbie playing with a doll.

Oh, God, and what's a pee punch?

Oh, she's been developing that
for years.

It's when she punches you in the
bladder and you pee yourself.

Well, I'm sad it's happening,
but also glad

that she hasn't developed
the poop punch.

Oh, yeah, you should be,
'cause she told me she's close.

Shall we retire to our
conference room, gentlemen,

and figure out
how to get Moon into

the pee punch
protection program?

Okay, so this is very, very bad.

There's no way
she's gonna back down.

We all know what Debbie's like
when she gets embarrassed.

Remember when her mom
bought her that Princess Pony

lunchbox, and she
filed for emancipation?

Or the time she tripped
in the school entryway

and had the whole school's
office staff

arrested on bogus drug charges.

We've always known this is the
game we were playing with her.

She's already so embarrassed
just to have friends.

Maybe you should tell
Judy and Ham.

- They could protect you. They're big.
- No way. I'm not gonna tattletale.

Moon's right.
He can't tell anyone.

I've seen this
kind of thing before,

and it's only going to get worse
the more people he tells.

Yeah, it's bad enough
that you both know.

We absolutely cannot
tell anyone else.

Everyone loves money.
Maybe you can just pay her off.

I like it. Empty your pockets
and backpacks, gentlemen.

Okay, looks like we have
ten dollars,

cents, and a % off coupon
for Fudgey Town

with a nice drawing
of Fudgey the Snail.

I'm not allowed
to go there anymore.

I ate some turned fudge once and
then diarrhea-ed so profoundly

that they actually studied me
at the Anchorage Medical Center.

- I'm in a textbook.
- Pretty sure this'll change her mind.

Moon, you have to practice
what you're going to say.

Just don't remind her
of the D-O-L-L.

Keep it short and sweet, 'kay?

Like when I text
my mom's boyfriend, Jamie,

the smiley face emoji
with the sunglasses.

It's just one cool guy saying,
"Hey, you're a cool guy,"

to another cool guy.

Well, hello, Professor John Nash
from A Beautiful Mind.

You look rad as hell
with that calculator.

I'm trying to figure out
how to save the Log Museum.

I started by looking into
how much it would cost

to move the whole building
on one of those trucks.

We could do it if we don't use
hot water for... ever,

and also sell
the hot water heater

and the van
and all of our furniture

- and the house. So...
- Dad, I know how much

you love the Log Museum, but
sometimes love just isn't enough.

Mm-hmm.
He's right, Beef.

My neighbor Denise in Fresno
loved her boss so much

she ended up getting fired
and herpes.

- You just need to let it go.
- [sighs]

Hey, what do you say
we take one more trip

over to Death Moose
to say goodbye?

- I'd like that.
- Me, too.

My esophagus is just a little
chocolate log flume now.

MOON: Hello, Debbie.

What do you want, Elbow Face?

Perhaps in exchange
for not b*ating me up,

I could offer you these
ten dollars and this cents.

Would you like to accept
my proposal?

[growls]

And, um, just to be clear,
well, you know,

I definitely didn't see anything
you were doing with dolls

- at Gluttony Gulch in Death Moose.
- No, no, no, no.

It didn't even look that much
like you. I mean, maybe you

have a long lost twin you've
never met. [laughs nervously]

- Did you ever go to summer camp?
- Oh, thanks for the money.

Now I'll be even richer
when I pee punch you.

Why did you keep talking?
We went over this.

I know, I know, I know,
but she didn't say anything,

and I got nervous
and I just kept talking.

When I get nervous,
my whole body smells like feet,

but not my feet,
which is the weird part.

There still has to be
a logical way out of this.

- Let's brainstorm.
- Okay. Maybe we...

hmm, I don't know,
paint your face green,

bury you up to your neck
in my mom's garden,

and pretend
you're a head of lettuce?

Uh-huh, that's a good start.
I don't mind dirt.

Maybe you can get a bigger bully
to scare her off.

There are no bigger bullies.

She's the tip-top
of the bully food chain.

She's above high schoolers.
She's above Gargamel.

Oh, I know. We can go
to Jamie's boxing gym and...

Oh, sh**t. I just remembered,
Jamie's in Salt Lake City

for the Toot-A-Loo
Flute Festival.

He said maybe next year
me and my mom and my brother

could go with him,
and I could be his flute caddie.

- Can you imagine?
- Levon!

Stop pretending those dodgeballs
are your butt cheeks.

Am I gonna have to send you
to the principal's office again?

Oh, Robbie! Stop slow dancing
with the climbing rope.

It's beautiful, but it's not
on the curriculum.

- Huh.
- What?

Coach Kiely was mad at Levon,

but then Robbie
did something bad...

I see what you're getting at.
We just need to shift

Debbie's anger for you
onto someone else.

Yup. Then she'll be
more mad at them,

and she'll forget about
how mad she is at me.

- Bravo. It's genius.
- RUSSELL: You guys want to see

my flute caddie walk?

[whistling]

Hello, Horton. I won't be long.

- I just wanted to say goodbye.
- Course, Beef. I understand.

And, Beef, no rules today.

If you want to touch
the cocobolo log,

I'll turn the other way.

Do you want me to put on
white gloves first?

I keep some in the car
in case this day ever came.

No, Beef, not necessary.

Hello, handsome.

Oh, sweet Suddenly Susan,

it's so smooth,
naturally oily to the touch,

which of course is common
for the tropical hardwoods

of Central America. The grain...
it's perfect. [gasps]

Logs. Of course.

[chuckles] You knew how
to save yourselves all along!

Honeybee, Wolf, Horton,
come here!

Look, the stone blocks
for the pyramids

were too heavy to move by hand,

so they rolled them on logs.

We can't keep the museum on
the land it currently rests on,

but we can save
the museum itself

- by moving it to our property.
- Aw, well...

- Uh...
- It can stay rent-free

and remain open for everyone.

And I can visit Coco
whenever I want.

Do you hear that, Coco?
You're safe now.

Beef, I'm not really sure
that's a...

I know it seems complicated,
but I'll figure the whole thing out.

We'll do it exactly
like they did back then.

Sick plan, Dad. Count us in.

And, Horton, you keep
those chocolate logs coming.

We're gonna need our strength.

Okay, guys, every time Ms.
McNamara supervises lunch,

she walks the cafeteria eating
her raspberry and cottage cheese

mix-'em-up cup.
At exactly the right moment,

I'm going to trip her, in a very
safe, but very effective way,

so that she spills her raspberry
cottage cheese all over Debbie.

That way, Debbie's anger for me

will move over to Ms. McNamara,
but lucky for her,

she's an adult
and can't be beaten up.

And then my problem is solved.

- Okay, but what if you miss?
- I won't miss, Henry.

This isn't my first staged tripping.

Go time.

♪

- Ah!
- [gasps] Oh, my God. You are dead.

Debbie. Oh, no. Oh, I am
so, so, so sorry, Debbie.

I don't know what happened.
An apple rolled under

my foot somehow, and...
Oh, here. Oh, my gosh,

let me just clean you up.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Ms. McNamara, don't worry at all.

Everyone makes mistakes.
Maybe, if you could be so kind,

you could get me
some paper towels

- from the janitor's closet?
- Oh, yes. Thank you.

Thank you, Debbie. Of course.
Everyone out of my way.

- Debbie needs paper towels.
- Hi, Moon.

Interesting tactic.
Get me mad at someone else,

so I'll forget about you.
I respect it, but it didn't work.

Oh, and just a quick update
on what's up with me,

my research on the poop punch
has finally paid off.

- [groans]
- Okay, new idea,

we slather you in Vaseline,
so you're too slippery to fight,

and if she still
keeps coming after you,

then we just slide you
right into the ocean.

Oh, Moon, great.
You're just in time.

We're about to begin.
Come on, grab a seat.

Sorry, Dad, no time for sitting.
I've got a prob... ject,

school probject
I need to work on tonight.

Say no more. From one projecteur
to another, I wish you luck.

- You two know about this probject?
- Yeah, we know about it.

We're currently
monitoring it from afar.

Listen, when another girl
threatens to punch

your little brother,
it's best to let him

try to work it out
before getting involved.

Especially when you yourself
are afraid of said girl.

- Debbie?
- Debbie.

Understood. Now, let's
get down to brass logs.

I have created a foolproof plan

of how to move the Log Museum
here to our property,

where it will be
conveniently located

near the family cemetery.

I want our ancestors' spirits
to be able to enjoy the logs.

Okay, but if I see
any ghostly Tobins

near my chocolate pretzels,
I will k*ll them again.

Now, first things first.
Junkyard Kyle has

kindly agreed to raise
the museum structure

and put it on cinder blocks
in exchange

for a gallon of vape juice,
two old coffee makers,

and Wolf's half-shirt
that says, "Who Farted?"

Oh, I'm gonna miss that shirt,
but I got a t*nk top

that says "Fart Loading"
ready to take its place.

And then, we'll attach
the tether apparatus

around the museum and
to the back of the family van.

I'll pull the museum forward,

and as it passes over
each log in the rear,

you guys will lift said log

and move it to the front
of the other log.

And, of course, this must
all be done in the dead

of night when there won't
be any cars on the roads.

Now, I'm usually not one
to be tooting horns,

but, uh, a-tooty-too-toot,
this plan is perfection.

What else can we roll over here?

Can we get a Dave & Busters
on the premises?

- Oh, boy.
- Hey, Moon, um... So...

I may have inadvertently
fixed your Debbie problem.

- Really? How?
- Well, you know how I do

my weekly check-ins
with Principal Gibbons

because I'm head
of the Junior Janitors?

- Yeah.
- Well...

I may have been doing
that weekly check-in

and everything about Debbie
may have kind of

totally accidentally
come spilling out.

You ratted?

GIBBONS: [over P.A.]
Will Moon Tobin and Debbie Van

please come
to the principal's office.

Would you be less mad
if I told you he has

Andes after-dinner mints
on his desk this week?

No? Okay, bye.
[whimpers]

Now, Debbie, what is
this I hear about you

saying you're gonna
b*at up Moon on Friday?

Oh, yeah, I did say that,
but it's because I...

- have a crush on him.
- GIBBONS: Oh.

Of course, yes.
Romantic feelings at your age

- can be very confusing.
- Yeah. Totally. So sorry.

Moon, would you like
to share anything?

- Mm-mm.
- Well, feeling shy is also perfectly normal.

You guys can head back to class.

Thank you so much.
I've sure learned my lesson.

- And, Moon.
- Yeah?

Take it easy on Debbie, okay?
She's in new territory here.

Yup, I'll take it easy
on Debbie. Sure thing.

- [gasps]
- You listen to me, Pajanimal,

you messed up big time
trying to get me in trouble.

It wasn't me. Russell
told Principal Gibbons...

Well, your plan backfired
because now I'm going

to do a pee punch
and a double poop punch.

So, first,
you'll pee out the front.

Then you'll poop out the back.

- Then you'll poop out the front.
- [gasps] That's not possible.

A pee pee.
A poo poo. A poo poo.

[sighs]

All right, time to figure out

how to sneak into
the wheel well of a .

Hey, Moon, how's the, uh...
school project coming? Uh...

You know, son,
if I didn't know any better,

I'd swear that you've
attempted to change your

appearance and are now
planning to go on the lam

so that a certain frenemy
doesn't punch you.

Great guess,
but don't try to stop me.

- This is the only way now.
- Well, I'm sure you're right.

Do you have everything packed
that you need?

Yup, just need to burn off
my fingerprints

and eat my SIM card.

Wonderful.
Now, before you run away

and live a life of adventure
walking the highway

and hustling pinball
at truck stops,

I wonder if you can just
take one more look

at your problem
from a different angle.

You might find the answer
is closer than you think.

Like, no one was threatening
to b*at me up this week,

but my heart felt b*at up
about the Log Museum closing.

My problem was logs,

and it turned out
my solution was also logs.

Maybe your solution
is right in front of you,

and you just don't know it.

So, give it a think before you

head out and never see
us again, okay, bud?

Hm...
My problem is Debbie.

Maybe my solution is also Debbie.

Dad, is it okay if I walk over
to the Van's house?

Sure, just take
the emergency phone

- and stay on the path.
- I carved that path.

I'm not gonna abandon it now.

Hello, Debbie's mom.

Hi, Moon. I'm sorry,
but Debbie isn't here right now.

She's at the ice rink...
Uh-oh, I know that face.

Is Debbie planning
to b*at you up?

You could tell that
just from my face?

Ugh, she threatens
to b*at people up pretty often.

Just last week, her
orthodontist showed up here

looking just like you do right now.

- What'd you do?
- I saw her with her doll

- at Gluttony Gulch Buffet.
- Yikes.

Why is she so worried about me
seeing her play with a doll?

We all still play with toys
at our age.

We don't talk about it,
but we know it happens.

Well, it's a little bit
my fault, maybe.

I mean, I shouldn't tell
you this, but you look

like the kind of small
bear that can keep a secret.

- Is that right?
- Yup.

I made Debbie
repeat kindergarten.

You held Debbie back?
Why?

Well, she was just so tiny
back then.

And the first time
she did kindergarten,

when we lived in Death Cliff,
she got picked on all year.

So, when we moved
to Lone Moose, I thought

it'd be a good idea for her
to repeat kindergarten,

so she'd be a little bigger.
But guess what?

- She hated it.
- That's right, Moon.

She wouldn't talk to me
for months.

It wasn't until
I bought her that doll

that she started
calling me Carissa again.

Then we worked our way back
to Mom over the next few years,

but the whole incident
had some... lasting effects.

She really hates being seen
as little in any way.

I see. So, she's not mean.

She's just hurt
and kind of scared.

[laughs] Come on, Moon,
she's definitely mean.

But, yes,
hurt and scared as well.

It's also the reason she wears
those darn skates all the time,

so she'll be taller
and have weapons on her feet.

Thank you, Mrs. Van.
I think I know what to do now.

No need to tell Debbie
I was here.

Actually, it's probably better
if you don't.

Sure thing, Moon...
Uh-oh.

That's gonna be her
father dropping her off.

Run, Moon. Cut through
the backyard. Jump the fence.

See, Horton, it's working.

The museum will be open
for decades to come,

and I can visit you
and Coco every day.

That's nice, Beef.
That'll be real nice for you.

- But...
- [both scream]

Oh, no, it's gonna hit the van.

Oh, no it didn't hit the v...
oh, no, the rope's breaking.

Everyone get away
from the museum!

She's gonna break free.

[all yelling]

- No!
- Oh, no!

[overlapping yelling]

We can save the museum.

Everyone, just grab some pieces.

We'll rebuild it
and make it even better.

It'll be ten stories... no,
stories tall, and visitors will

- come from around the world...
- Beef. Just let it die.

It's what I want.

The land lease didn't get
sold out from under me.

- I let it expire.
- Why?

I'm done, Beef.
The only people that come

to the museum anymore

are drifters that
need to go number two,

and there's this guy Rodney.

He always tries to put
his mouth on a log,

and when I stop him,
he accuses me of doing / .

I want to retire to Miami
and get a girlfriend.

Maybe a boyfriend. Wear
a thong underwear bathing suit.

Feel the sun on my lower cheeks.

I understand, Horton.
Far be it from me to stop a man

that has so honorably served
the history of logs

from living out his dream.

Everyone deserves a chance
to show off their butt

in their autumn years
if they wish.

Now, let me help you. We
need to get Coco out of there,

so he can go to his new home.

He belongs with you, Beef.
He always did.

You hear that, buddy?
You're coming home with me.

Okay, Moon.
Time to pull up or shut up.

[Henry and Russell gasp]

- You can't.
- Moon, are you sure?

Yes.
Hey, Debbie.

[students gasp and laugh]

Oh, my gosh.

Um, what the hell
do you think you're doing?

Why are you wearing a diaper?

- And holding that stuffed sloth?
- His name is Jeremy,

and I'm publicly
embarrassing myself

to show you that
it doesn't matter

what people think about you.

So what if people think
I'm a weirdo baby in a diaper?

You're my friend, Debbie,
and it's worth it

to put myself out there
to end this.

There's nothing wrong with
still being little sometimes

and wanting to play with a doll.

I got Jeremy when I was four,

and I still hold him
when I feel scared,

like when I accidentally
watched The Purge,

and then when I watched
all the sequels on purpose.

Personally, I think
your doll is cool,

and I would never pick on you
for being small.

Oh, thank you so much.

That was such a great speech,
Keith Bore-ison,

but I have never even been
embarrassed in my entire life.

And I don't own a doll.

And I'm not little,
and I never have been.

When I came out
of my mom's vag*na,

which was also very big,

all the doctors
in the hospital fainted

- because I was so large and scary.
- Okay then, Debbie,

proceed with the pee and poop
and double poop punches,

but just remember that,
even after I've pooped

out my front,
I'll still be your friend.

[grunts] Oh, my God.

Get out of here. I can't b*at up
some little diaper boy

because that would be
embarrassing for me.

And like I said, Moon Tobin,

I've never ever
been embarrassed.

This is probably the most
triumphant I'll ever feel

while wearing a diaper in
front of a bunch of people.

- At least, I hope so.
- All hail Moon Tobin.

- The Diaper King.
- Russell, no.

So, Moon, how'd your
school probject turn out?

Well, you were right, Dad.

The solution was
right in front of me.

It was a large diaper
and a stuffed sloth.

There you go.
I'm proud of you,

and Coco's happy for you, too.

Hey, Dad, where are you
gonna keep Coco?

Oh, I meant to tell you.
I'm gonna need you and Honeybee

to move to a motel downtown.
Coco needs his space.

Fair enough, Dad.

- We'll go get our things.
- Wolf, no.

♪ It's the most important ♪

♪ Job in the world ♪

♪ Not a doctor, a pilot,
a mommy or a daddy, no ♪

♪ I'm talking about ♪

♪ Being a flute caddie ♪

♪ The pressure's on,
your flautist ♪

♪ Needs an alto, a standard C ♪

♪ A piccolo, or a bass ♪

♪ The first step's
important, though ♪

♪ Number one, open the case ♪

♪ Slowly move it to the left,
forward or right ♪

♪ Your flautist will be waiting,
lock eyes ♪

♪ Don't lose sight. ♪