10x02 - Caution: m*rder Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

[bunniefuu]

DUKE: So, your husband,
the doc's, waiting outside
for me to take a fix, huh?

You're to give him the signal,

he comes in,
gives me a fatal dose.

He's got it all
worked out, doesn't he?

Oh, yes.

He's parked
a rental car

where your body
goes over the cliff
in his car.

And when
it blows up,

not even dental
charts will be
able to prove who,

or what
was in the car.

Mmm.

You and your hubby
really had a scam goin',
didn't you?

(SIREN WAILING)
Yeah.

Until you came along.

So your husband dies,

and the grieving widow
gets the insurance.

You meet him in Europe,
and live happily ever after.

The only change
of plan is

he's going to die.

And this
grieving widow

meets her lover
in Europe,
and lives...

...happily ever after.

Now, it is time
to give the signal, babe.

(CHOKING)

DUKE: Here's a taste of
your own medicine, Doc.

(CHUCKLES)

WADE: Barbara Baylor
is suspected of the m*rder
of her husband

in Washington, D.C.,
three years ago.

Duke Dimarco has
a history of arrests,

for both armed robbery
and drug possession,

in New York
and Philadelphia.

If you have seen
either Barbara Baylor
or Duke Dimarco,

please call our
CrimeAlert hotline at

1800-555-7654.

Okay, hold it
there, one.

Coming up on one.

Hold it. Ready for you one.
Our operators
are standing by

24 hours a day.

Take, one.

With your cooperation,
we have captured
32 dangerous criminals.

And for that,
I thank you,

and CrimeAlert
thanks you.

Remember, keep your eyes
open and stay alert!

And take him down now.

(SHOW THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Dissolve to logo.
Dissolve it.

Super rolling.
Super it.

And rolling.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

We're taking a call
from someone who thinks

they've got a location
on our child molester.

Oh, that's terrific.

Great show, Wade.
Great show.

Listen, I've got
some people
for you to meet.

This is Betty,
Martin and Tina.

They're big fans of yours
and we need you
in the monitor.

Hi, Tina. Forgive me.
Hi.

Great to have
you here. All right.

WADE: That was a great show,
everybody.

That last segment was
a real ratings grabber.

All right, tomorrow,
we do the Tri-State
robbery segment.

Production meeting,
my office, 10:00.

How about
those notes?

Okay, I'll see you
down there in 20.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Get me the sh**ting script
for tomorrow, will you?

I'll go get 'em.

Oh! All these deadlines!

Maybe we should do
a segment on how
this show's murdering me.

WADE: Last year you were
making documentaries,

now, you got
a top-rated
network show.

Well, can I remind you
that just last year

you were a glorified,
what, security guard?

Yeah. Right there.
Security expert, please.

Oh, well, I stand corrected.
Thanks.

Well, you know,
it was lucky for you

that you were working
for Jake Salzburg
at the right time.

Luck has nothing
to do with it.
(SCOFFS)

Jake wanted the best,
that's why he called me

when his wife was
being hassled by
that crazy fan of hers.

Wade, notes
and homework.

And when he picked me
to host the show,

once again, he made
the best choice.

(LAUGHS) You certainly
take a lot of credit
for this show.

Well, what can
I tell you?

The brass is ecstatic
over the audience
reaction to me.

Well, I hope
for your sake

the big chief
keeps you up
on that cloud of yours.

He'd pull the plug
in a minute
if our ratings slip.

Max, I don't intend
to let that happen.

WADE: So, we're set
for next week, huh?
AL: Mmm-hmm.

Excuse me, sir.
Oh, thank you, Andre.

You do good work.

Celebrity Profile Magazine,
a cover no less.
That's great.

Well, my clients
should be so easy
to get a cover for.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

"While it lasts"? Ow!

It's gonna last.
I can assure you that.

You just keep
doing your part.

AL: (LAUGHS)
Oh, don't you worry, Wade.

As long as your show's
as hot as it is,

you won't be able
to keep me away.

(WADE LAUGHS)

Good to see you, Wade.
How are you doing?

You like the show?
I love the show.

Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.

Call me soon.
Call me soon.

Love the show, Wade.

WADE: Hey, Bob, how you doing?
MAN: Wade, thank you.

WOMAN: Al! Hi.

Wade, the series
is going great.
Better every time.

Saw the overnights.
Good going.

Thanks so much.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Henry, ask Monique
to call the sheriff's
department again,

and find out what's
holding up the photo
on the Echo Park sn*per.

You got it.

JACK: Max, there's a call
for you from the FBI.

It's the one
you're waiting for.

Oh, all right!
That'll be about
the Miller's kidnapping.

I think we may have
located those boys.

If that's it, contact
the local affiliate,

and see if you can
get a camera feed

with pictures
of the parents
and the kids.

MAX: All right.

Don't powder me too much.
I just need a little in here.

Mmm.

Thank you.
That's great.

Well, you certainly
have done
all right for yourself.

Still smoking four packs
a day, Budd?

You need me
for something?

Well, as a matter
of fact,

there is something.

Make it fast, Budd,
I got a show to do.

Oh, well, I...

I think I have
a story that you,

that you might be
interested in.

Why don't you let
Henry read it?

And if it's interesting,
we'll get back to you.

No, I don't think so.

It's a very
special story.

For your ears only.

Budd, I would really
rather you not
smoke in here.

I just received a video
from an old buddy.

It was something that
he thought I might find

enjoyable.
And he was right.

Budd, I told you,
I don't have
the time right now.

Holly Does Houston.

Has a nice ring to it.

It's really something
you should look at, Wade.

Go on.
Oh!

I see that I have
your interest now.

I'm listening.

Turns out that

our young film star
gave quite a performance.

As did his
underage co-star.

Not exactly Disney,
if you know what I mean?

Why are you sharing this
information with me now?

Because I just
couldn't forget

the choice bits that
you laid on Salzburg

about my not having
the right image
for the show.

That was some hatchet-job
you did on me.

Budd, it's not my fault
you fell off the wagon again.

Well, there's not
that much
in my background

to compare to yours,
now, is there?

What is it you want?

You're not
a stupid man, Wade.

CrimeAlert was supposed
to be my show.

I'm the one
with the qualifications.

Nineteen years invested
in this business.

It was a lock
and everybody knew it.

Everybody?
Obviously not Jake Salzburg.

He knew what
I was capable of.

(CHUCKLES)

No, what you were
capable of was
licking the right boots.

Oh, you're smooth.

You're smooth, all right.
I mean,
you're really smooth.

But what do
you think Salzburg

and the rest of
your adoring audience
would say

if they knew that
you did skin flicks?

Our Wonder Boy
crime fighter.

Look, Budd. Get...
No, you look, Wade.

'Cause if it gets out
that you did skin flicks...

Get to the point!

The point

is that you're going
to lose the show.

That's what
the point is.

Of course, you do
have a choice.

You can leave with
your reputation intact.

I'm sure there's
others out there

who would go
for your particular
brand of charm.

Or you can be

my lead story

on the 11:00 news.

So, which
will it be, Wade?

Camera's ready, Wade.

I'll be there
in a minute!

Where's the rest of it?

Just polishing it on
my computer at home.

We'll have to talk
about this some more,
privately.

Right now,
I've got a show to do.

Certainly.

We...

We can meet

tomorrow night
at my house,
6:00 p.m.

Don't be late.
I'll be there.

MAN: Hey, people, let's move.
We have 30 seconds.
Let's get it moving now.

Wade, we've been
waiting for you.
What kept you?

Did you see Budd?

I saw him.

Well, did he have
a story for us?

Story?

Why else would he
come to see you?

He's not exactly
a fan of yours.

I told him that
I didn't have time
to see him right now.

MAN: Okay,
five seconds from now.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hey, Wade.

Are we going over
the profile segments
tomorrow?

I'll be working at
the production office.

I can
do it myself.

I'll be glad
to come in.

No, no. I can
manage for once.

You deserve some R&R.
You go out and
have a good weekend.

You deserve it.

Okay. Good night, boss.

Good night.

MAX: Oh, good night, Henry.

HENRY: Good night, Max.

Will we see you
at my house
tomorrow night?

I'm making
a new Jamaican dish
for the party.

I'm looking forward to it.
What time?

Around 7:00?

Black beans
and Demon Rum?

You got it.
Okay, good night.

Bye.

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

(HEDGE TRIMMER WHIRRING)

I'm gonna trim
all the hedges
this week, Mr. Anders.

Thanks, Juan.

(DOG BARKING)

Right on time, I see.

So, tell me,

just what have
you decided?

The tape. You said
you had the tape.
I'd like to see it.

Proof?

I'll give you
a private showing.

(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(SIGHS)

I've seen enough.
You can turn it off.

So, let's get down
to business.

I think
I've figured
out a way

to make this
work out
for both of us.

You have?

I propose that
we share the show,
you and I, co-host.

Co-host?

No way.

You've been
in the spotlight
too long already.

I want you out of
the picture completely.

Just hear me out.

Your way,
there's no guarantee
you'll get the job,

even if I leave.

With you gone,

I don't see
any problems at all.

It isn't
gonna be easy.

With the following I have,
(COUGHS)

You're gonna need me
to pull this off.

I have to find
a valid excuse
to leave the show.

Well, you're a very
creative person.

I'm sure
you'll think of something.

It'll have to be something
that the brass will buy.

(COUGHING)

Especially if I'm
going to tell them that
you're gonna take over.

Wade, I can't...

(GASPING) I can't breathe!

(COUGHING)

(CHOKING) Help me!

(GASPING)

Told you those things
were gonna k*ll you.

(PRINTING)

News at 11:00?

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Max.

Wade! (LAUGHS)

Ooh, champagne!

You certainly know
how to make an entrance.

I've put in a hard day,
and I want to celebrate.

Look who's here!

ALL: (EXCLAIMING) Wade!

(WHINING)

Hey! What do
ya say, boy?

How are you?

All right, back off.
Gotta go to work.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(WOMAN CHATTERING
ON POLICE RADIO)

You're a real friendly
boy, aren't you?

Oh, you're a girl.

Well, you know,
you got more life
than my dog.

Yes, you have.

Yes, you have.

Oh, what happened here?

Her name's Sheba.

Sheba?

Hey, that's
a nice name. Sheba.

My name is Randy.

Oh. Hi, Randy.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.

Are you a real
lieutenant?

I'm not d*ck Tracy.

Look at this.

Is that real
enough for you?

Wow!

Randy, I got to
go to work now.

Bye, Sheba.

What have you got,
Sergeant Lewis?

Name's Budd Clarke.

He's a newscaster
on KRVA.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I've seen him
lots of times
on the evening news.

Looks like he's gonna be
making the news
instead of reporting it.

Ah!

George, this is the way
you found him?

Uh-huh.
No signs of v*olence,
no obvious wounds.

I'll know more
after the autopsy.

But he looks like
a good candidate
for heart failure.

He's the right age,
had to be
a stressful profession,

obviously a heavy smoker.

The victim was found
at approximately 4:30
this morning

by a neighbor,
Mr. Eric Larsen,

who says that
the victim's dog was barking
in the middle of the night.

I got to
quit smoking.
This is crazy.

Uh...

Anything else,
George?

He probably d*ed between
6:00 and 7:00 last night.

It looks like
respiratory failure,

possibly brought on
by a heart att*ck.

According to the neighbor,
it was unusual

for the dog to be out
at that hour of night.

It's just a puppy,
and if you can
imagine that.

Have you seen
this dog, Lieutenant?

Yeah. She jumped
all over me.
Seemed very friendly.

Go on, Sergeant.

Well, after a while,
Mr. Larsen
called the police.

The patrol officers
saw the body
through the patio doors,

and broke in.

No sign of
forced entry
or struggle.

The lab boys are here
as you requested.

Did anybody else
live here?

No. No, Mr. Larsen says
Clarke lived alone.

A housekeeper
comes in weekdays.

Frank?
Yes, sir.

Look around and see if
you can find any ashtrays
with more cigarette butts.

I want to
take a look.

Okay.

All right. Tweezers.

George, you got
tweezers?

Here you go, sir.

What's the matter,
Lieutenant?

Lieutenant, I found
this one in the bedroom.

Thank you, Officer.

Sergeant, you better
have the lab boys
check out

all these
cigarette butts
in these ashtrays,

and any others
you can find
in the house.

And this one,
the one that was
on the desk,

have that marked.

What is it, Lieutenant?

COLUMBO: These cigarettes,
the ones on the desk,

they weren't smoked.

Weren't smoked?
What do you mean?

Look.

No nicotine stain
on the filter.

But these cigarettes,
in these ashtrays,

were smoked.

Notice the yellowish-brown
nicotine stain on the filter?

Oh, yeah!

And look at here.

Clean as a whistle.
Tag it and get it
to the lab.

You got it,
Lieutenant.

Frank?

FRANK: You finished
with the body, Lieutenant?

Yeah, all finished.

LEWIS: Lieutenant,
the press is outside.
They want a statement.

Uh, tell them
the usual.

LEWIS: Yes, sir.

Anybody know how
to work this thing?

These machines,
they baffle me.

What do you need?

I want to see
the rest of this story.

Stop it.

"Seventeen-year-old girl
disappeared from
a small town..." Okay.

Just want to check.

"Seventeen-year-old girl
disappeared from..."

Can you make
a copy of that?

In a flash.

(PRINTING)

Here you go, Lieutenant.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Sergeant.

Check this out
for latent prints.

Oh, you!

(WHIMPERING)

Yes, you're a princess.

Good girl,
aren't you?

Oh, what, you wanna
go with me?

Here, I got
something for you.

My dog loves these. Here.

Oh! Okay, down.

Did you do this?

Thanks a lot.

Ruin the whole door
of the car.

I got to go now.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Homicide?

You mean it may not
have been a heart att*ck?

Not necessarily.

You see, when a person
dies like this,
we have to investigate.

Oh.

These machines are
something, aren't they?
Computers.

And there's where
you type.

Me, I only can type
with two fingers.

This is Mr. Clarke's
office?

Yes.

Could I look in?

Yes.

Oh, I see he has
his own computer.

Yes.

Did Mr. Clarke type
his own news stories?

Most of the time.

Except if he was
close to deadline,

then sometimes
I'd type up his notes.

Notes?
Yes.

He kept notes?
Yes.

Where did he keep it?

The tape recorder,
on the desk.

He used it almost
everywhere he went.

Oh, so he would
talk his notes?

Yes.

Well, people
do that now.

Yeah, they used
to write them.

The notes are in here?

Yes.

There's nothing here.

Oh! The tape was
there on Friday.

I gave him a new one
that morning.

Where is
the old one?

They're erased.
Then we reuse them.

Hmm.

Are these the news stories
that Mr. Clarke
was working on?

LISA: Yes, at least
some of them.

But all our news stories
are logged on the computer.

Could you show me?

Yes.

Wow, look at
all those stories.

Is there a particular one
you're interested in?

Yes, if you could
roll down to the Es.

Yeah, that's good.

"Evening in the Kremlin.

"Emergency in Pentagon.

"End of the line for Dope..."

(MUTTERING)

And that's the end
of the Es?

Could Mr. Clarke
have a story

that wasn't
on this list?

"Escape to Death."

I don't see it here.

Yes, I suppose so.

But it would have to
be a new one if it's not
in the computer yet.

Thank you.
You've been
very helpful.

Oh!

Could you tell me
when you saw
Mr. Clarke last?

On Friday.
He came in
around 2:00.

About 3:00, he said
he had to go down
to see Wade Anders.

Do you happen to recall
when Mr. Clarke returned?

He was gone
about 30 minutes.

Then, he got ready
to go on the air at 4:00.
I left at 5:00.

Never saw him again.

Can you tell me where
I can find Mr. Anders?

He's on the main floor
where CrimeAlert is.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

We don't allow
anyone in this area
without authorization.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo,
Homicide.

Boy, it seems like
you've got
more equipment here

than we've got
down at headquarters.

I'll get someone.

(WHISPERING) Miss Max.
There's a guy over here.

His name's Columbo,
Lieutenant.

I'm Maxine Jarrett.
You're Lieutenant Columbo,
is it?

Uh, yes, ma'am.
Boy, this is
quite a place.

I was just saying

that it seems like
you're better equipped
than we are.

You have no idea
how much paperwork it is
just to get a phone.

Oh, I'm sure that's
a problem for you.

Yeah.
I'm sorry, Lieutenant,

but we run on
a really tight schedule.
What can I do for you?

Oh, I understand, ma'am.
I'm checking up on
Budd Clarke's death.

Oh, yes.
I heard about it
this morning.

I heard he was here
on Friday.
Did you see him?

Yes, he was here
on Friday,

but he talked to
Wade Anders, our host.

Oh, you don't have to
tell me who he is, ma'am.

My wife and I,
we love the show.

If she could just spot
one of those suspects...

Well, that's what makes
our show popular, Lieutenant.

Well, I hope you all had
a very restful weekend,

because we got
a very busy week ahead.

Good morning, sir.
Meeting in five minutes.

You got it.

Mr. Anders, could I speak
to you for a minute?

Who are you?

Wade, this is
Lieutenant Columbo,
from Homicide.

It's a real pleasure
meeting you, sir.

Lieutenant, I don't have
any time right now.

Why don't you
give your story

to my assistant
over there?

If we can use it,
we'll call you.

Oh, no, sir.

I'm here about
Budd Clarke.

Budd Clarke?

Yes, I heard.
Something about
a heart att*ck?

Well, that's what we're
trying to find out, sir.

I understand that
he was here on Friday.

Oh! It's been
so hectic lately.
Friday?

Yes. Yes,
he was here.

He said something
about a story we might
be interested in.

Did he say what
it was about, sir?

No, I was called
to the set.

I told him to
see my assistant.

Uh-huh.

I bet you're always
getting people who want
you to use their stories.

WADE: It's incredible,
Lieutenant.

We receive far
more requests
than we can ever use.

We have to pick
the ones we feel

will catch the
viewers' interest.

Oh, yes, sir. I can see
it's very complicated.

Wade, the meeting.

I'll be
right there.

I'm just going to
give the Lieutenant
a few minutes of my time.

Well, thank you
very much, sir.

You know, my wife,
she's not going to believe
this, my meeting you.

She's a big fan.

Just the other day,
she told me she thought

the grocery clerk
looked like one of
the suspects on your show.

Well, that's part of
our appeal, Lieutenant.

The audience likes
to get involved in
catching the criminals.

You don't think some
of those people could
become vigilantes, do you?

Pardon me for saying
this, Lieutenant.

I'm sure you do
the best job you can,
but let's face it.

The police departments
of this country
are woefully inadequate

to meet the overwhelming
rise in violent crime.

Maybe you should take
a few tips from us.

What can you tell me
about Budd Clarke?

Were you aware
of any problems
he was having?

Coffee, Lieutenant?

Budd, he was all right.

Good newsman, I think.

Of course, he didn't
like me very much.

Everybody knows
he wanted my job.

When he found out
I was hired for the show
instead of him,

he told anyone
who would listen
I wouldn't last.

Well, that's
bad forecasting.

Good thing
he wasn't a weatherman.

But he came to you
about doing
one of his stories?

Well, Budd might
hold a grudge,

but not when it came
to selling stories.

Wade. You ready?

We have a meeting,
then we want to do
a run-through.

WADE: I'm being
summoned, Lieutenant.

It can be grueling
at times.

I can see that, sir.

(LAUGHS) It's been
a pleasure, Lieutenant.

Oh, by the way,
Lieutenant,

if I can ever be
of any help to you,
you let me know.

Appreciate it.

And tell your wife,

we'll look in
on that grocery clerk.

(LAUGHS)

It's a good thing
you ordered a toxicology
report, Columbo.

Why?

Because that's
the only way
this can be traced.

Really?

The victim d*ed of acute
nicotine poisoning.

Three times the lethal amount
introduced through the lungs.

Like in
cigarette smoking?

No.

Nicotine in cigarettes
metabolizes more slowly
in the body.

That's why it takes longer
to k*ll smokers.

If it wasn't nicotine
in the cigarettes,

then what was it?

A highly concentrated form.

Nicotine sulfate,
one of the most poisonous
substances around.

Paralyzes the lungs,
the heart action goes nuts.

Bingo, you are dead.

That quick?

With the amount
he had in his system,

he must have d*ed within
minutes of ingestion.

Thank you, George.

You're welcome, Lieutenant.

(CAMERAS CLICKING)
This angle.

(COLUMBO CLEARING THROAT)

What's going on?
(SHUSHING)

Who are
all these people?

(WHISPERING) They're from
Celebrity Profile Magazine.

Oh, Mr. Anders is
being interviewed
by Celebrity Profile?

Not just an interview,
Lieutenant.

Wade's going to be
on the cover.

The cover.
(EXCLAIMS)

About your background.

I heard that you were
a security consultant.

That sounds like
a Cinderella story
to me.

I feel as though CrimeAlert
is the most important work
I've ever done.

The show must be
quite a responsibility.

I do feel an obligation
to my viewers, yes.

Our readers are
as interested in you
as they are the show.

What's your reaction
to all this?

Have I touched on something
you'd rather not discuss?

What?

No, no, I...

Distracted.
I've got a lot
on my mind,

I'm sure you can imagine.

Now's the time
to take a break.

Henry!
HENRY: Sir.

COLUMBO: Mr. Anders.

Lieutenant, what brings
you back so soon?

I have something here, sir,
that I'd like you to see.

Oh, certainly.

May we step
into your office?

Right this way.

I hope I've got
the right envelope.

I've got
so many of these.

Well, we'll soon know.

Oh, dear. Oh, yes!

I've got 'em, sir.

What have you
got there, Lieutenant?

Uh, news stories?

Right, sir.
If you could
just look at these.

You want me
to read them?

If you would, sir.

Out loud?

That would be fine.

"Escape to Death,
Hot Time for Slum Lord,
Overdose in Medical Center."

You did notice the other two
are different from this one.

You see, sir,
Mr. Anders.

This one has upper
and lower case letters,

while these two
are all
in capital letters.

That's right,
just as you say, Lieutenant.
But what's the problem?

We found these
on Mr. Clarke's desk
when we found the body.

Where you found the body?

Right, sir.

Forgive me, but I don't
understand the problem.

We found the same story,
"Escape to Death"
on the computer screen,

so, it would appear
that this story,

is the story
that Mr. Clarke
was working on.

Yes, I would agree
with you there, Lieutenant.

Well, the trouble is,
sir, that this story,
"Escape to Death,"

it wasn't typed the same
as these other two stories.

Why is that significant?

I can't explain it, sir.

Ah! You can't explain it,
I see, that's the problem.

Yes, sir.

Maybe Budd typed that
story and the secretary's
typed the others.

Well, sir, then
the titles would
still be the same.

There's no way
for you to know this,

but they all use
the same format,

Budd, the secretary,
the newsroom,
same format.

Same.
Yes.

Like these.
All the titles in caps.

Hmm...
Hmm.

Can you think
of some explanation?

(SIGHS)

Nothing comes to mind.

No, huh? Hmm.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

(SIGHING)
Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Wait a minute.

Maybe somebody
other than Budd
typed that story.

So, someone other than
Budd typed the story.

Yes.
Yes.

That could be the answer.

Yes.

Thank you, sir.

Ironic, isn't it?

Sir?
The title.

Oh!

"Escape to Death."

That is ironic.

Isn't it?
Yes.

Well, I hope I've been
of some help, Lieutenant.

Well, you certainly have,
sir, and I appreciate
your input.

And thank you
for your time.

Oh! Mr. Anders.

I forgot something
I wanted to show you.

Could you step out here?
It'll only
take a few minutes.

Two minutes.

What have you got
there, Lieutenant?

Sir, did you see
what I just did?

You just tore a page
out of my printer.

Well, now watch carefully.
I'm going to do it again.

Now do you see
what I mean, sir?

What I see, Lieutenant,
is you've torn two pages
out of my printer

and you're
now holding one.

Yes, sir, but do you see
how I'm holding it?

Yes, I do.

I've tried every way
I know how, sir,

and I can't tear a page
out of this printer

without touching
both sides.

I don't understand
the significance.

When we found
Mr. Clarke's print,

it was only on one side
of the page
that was under his hand.

Go on.

So, if Mr. Clarke
had pulled the page
out of the printer,

his fingerprints
would have been
on both sides.

I think you're on to
something, Lieutenant.

Oh, well,
thank you, sir.

That's good work.

Well, coming from you,
that's a real compliment.

Keep me posted
on your progress.

We could use
some good material
for our show.

Oh, that would
be terrific.

And I'll be sure
to let you know, sir.

Do that.

Tell Max we're in
perfect position.

Okay, we're in perfect
position, Max.

MAX: Good.
It'll be a second.

WADE: Ready
when they are.

Okay, the cameras
are in place down here.

SWAT team's almost ready.
It's about to go down, folks.

Okay, Max, we're in place
and we're ready.

Wait for my cue.
Okay, everybody,
cameras are ready.

Roll on Wade
in 15 seconds.

Okay,
everything's ready, Wade.
This is going to be good.

It better be.

Any second, now.

MAN: Here we go.
Three, two...

Today, you're going
to see, firsthand,

the capture
of two suspects profiled
on CrimeAlert last week.

Due to a tip
from one of our viewers,

we've led the police
to a motel
across the street

from where I'm standing
at this very moment.

Police! Open up!

Freeze!
(WOMAN SCREAMING)

WADE: Barbara Baylor
conspired with Duke Dimarco

to k*ll her husband
for the 500,000 dollar
insurance policy on his life.

I want to thank the viewers
who watch our show.

Because of you,

criminals like Barbara Baylor
and Duke Dimarco
can be taken off our streets.

That's a wrap.

We got it.
Good.

Well, how was it?
Talk to me.

Great, Max said
they got it all.
It's going to be great.

Now, you tell Max
not to start that editing

till I get a chance
to go over it with her.

I'll tell her.
MAN: Great show, Wade.

Thanks.

Oh, I got a message
for you from
Lieutenant Columbo.

He said he wanted to let
you know that he wouldn't
be able to see you today.

Said that
he's "Hot on a lead,
will fill you in later."

That Lieutenant's certainly
bent on getting one
of his cases on our show.

Yeah.

Everybody's out
to make a buck.

Well, your show's
got 'em coming out
of the woodwork.

Oh, Maurice was
setting up in the trailer
to trim your hair.

I'll head over
there right now.
Thanks, Henry.

Lieutenant Columbo.

(CHUCKLES)
Thanks, fellas.

Yeah.

Great show.
Okay.

But, Lieutenant,
just a little here and here,
and right off the top.

It will make you look
much more distinguished

(WHISPERING)
And sexier.

(LAUGHS) My wife
would like that.

You're going to take
mostly off the top, right?

No, no, I'm going to
trim the ends all over.

Oh, just the ends?

Give it a little shape.
A little body.
Oh, I see.

COLUMBO: 'Cause I got
the same barber 20 years.

I wouldn't want to hurt
his feelings or anything.

MAURICE: Look, don't
worry about a thing.
We won't tell him.

I promise you,
you're gonna love it.

Okay, just, not too much.

Lieutenant!
What are you doing here?

Oh, Mr. Anders.
How are you?

I was over
and about here...

I just got a message
that said you were tied up
following a hot lead.

Well, I was, sir,
but it fell apart.

A hot lead
turned cold, huh?

Yeah, it busted
out on me.

But, this morning
I found this.

And this is really good.

Cigarettes?

Cigarettes.

Really?

Maurice, I need a little trim.
I haven't got much time.

Excuse me, please.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Your hairdresser,
he was giving me
a few pointers on my hair.

Really?
What did he think?

He wants to make
me more attractive.

(CHUCKLING)
By the way,

what is the difference
between a hairdresser
and a barber?

Oh, about 50 dollars.

That's a good one.

Oh, I'm going to
remember that.

You know what
this is like, sir?

This is like the fingerprints
being on only
one side of the paper

instead of on both.

It opens up
all kinds of questions.

Really?

And I'd love to
show it to you.

Well, sure,
if it doesn't take too long.

Two minutes, sir.

Mr. Anders, do you see
the difference between
these two cigarettes?

Yeah, but I'm not
the guy to ask
about cigarettes.

You know I hate 'em.

Well, you don't have
to be a smoker, sir.

You can see the difference
between these two.

Sure.

Now, this one was found
on the ashtray
on Mr. Clarke's desk.

That's where
we found the body.

But this one,
this was found on an ashtray
in another part of the room.

Am I stupid?
I must be missing
the point.

Well, you can see, sir,

that these two cigarettes
were put out in two
completely different ways.

One was crushed,
other was twisted.

Exactly. Twisted. Crushed.

Lieutenant, people
put out cigarettes
in many different ways.

But that's the point, sir.

Someone else was there.

(SOFTLY)
Someone else was there?

Of course. That's good.

Why didn't I
think of that?

Now, sir, I don't know
what this all means.

But it's food for thought.

Oh, definitely, sir.
This is something to chew on.

Thank you, Wade.

My driver's waiting.

Well, you go right ahead, sir.
I don't want to hold you up.

Lieutenant,
that's really good.

Maybe you should
host the show.

(LAUGHING)
Fix his hair.

Keep me posted.
Lieutenant.

Oh.

He's got a great sense
of humor, hasn't he?

Yes, he does.

What's this?

"Presumed Innocent."

What's that?

It's an audio book.

Budd didn't have much
time for reading,

so he'd listen to
the cassette in the car.

Yeah, but I read that book.
That's a big book.

You mean they got
the whole book
on this little thing?

No!

It's a condensed version.
Kind of like Reader's Digest.

Oh, that's great.

I should use that.

Of course, first,
I have to get
a tape deck in my car.

So, is this all?

As far as I know.

Yeah, get me
a tape deck in my car.

In the car.

BUDD ON TAPE:
Pick up the dry-cleaning,

take a look
at the station IDs
for the 11:00 news.

Check Arnie's in Hollywood
for background info
on the p*rn film.

(MOUTHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey, cutie! Want to show me
what's under the raincoat?

(CHUCKLING)

There you go, pal.

Excuse me, sir,
do you have a minute?

Just wait
your turn, buddy.

Hope we both
have fun tonight, pal.

Okay, what can I
do for you?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
Homicide.

Homicide?
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm just a guy trying...

Well, sir, all I want to do
is ask you a few questions.
Nothing to worry about.

Did you know
Budd Clarke?

Yeah.
How well?

We served together
in the Army.

Then, you were friends?

We didn't exactly travel
in the same circles, you know?

But, when we were
in the service, yeah,
we were close.

Whenever I needed him,
he was right there.

And I'm real proud
of his success.

Did you send a tape
to Mr. Clarke?

Yeah.
Holly Does Houston.

Holly does what?

It's a p*rn film.

Holly does...

Houston. Oh!

I get it. Okay.

I came across it
in some boxes in the back.
Forgot I had it.

I figured Budd would
get a kick out of it.

As far as I know,
it's the only p*rn film
that Wade Anders ever made.

Wade Anders?

He did a p*rn?

Gave quite a performance,
if you know what I mean.

Well, what do you
know about that?

Why would you think
that Mr. Clarke would get
a kick out of that film?

Well, you know, Anders
aced Budd out as the host
of the CrimeAlert show.

Did a real
hatchet-job on him.

So, I figured Budd
would really get a laugh

out of seeing Mr. Clean
in a p*rn film.

Do you know
if Mr. Anders knew that
you sent it to Mr. Clarke?

I never heard a word.

Do you have a copy
of that film?

Do you figure this film
has got something to do
with Budd's death?

Why, you never know, sir.

Got to check
everything out.

Yeah.

I'll have to
run you off a copy.
It's in eight millimeter.

Well, I would
appreciate it.

Anything for Budd,
Lieutenant.

You can wait right
in here, Lieutenant,

Mr. Anders should be
with you any minute.

Well, thank you
very much.

But you must be brief.

He's due at a rehearsal
for the TV Awards
in an hour.

Oh, he's going to get
one of those statues?
That's great.

No, he's going to be
one of the presenters.

We're all
very excited.

Ah! Yeah.

Well, this is
some office here.
Look at all this stuff!

And that rug.
That must cost a bundle.

Oh, Lieutenant, Mr. Anders
doesn't allow anyone
to smoke in his office.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

If you need anything,
I'll be at my desk.

Well, thank you,
ma'am.

(WHISTLING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

MELANIE: Mr. Anders,
a couple of phone calls,
but nothing important.

And Lieutenant Columbo
is waiting in your office.

WADE: In my office?

(DOOR OPENING)

Lieutenant.

Hey! You and
the Governor.

That's pretty good.

Yes, that was
a very special day
for me, Lieutenant,

I can assure you.

I'll bet it was, sir.

I was admiring your desk.

It's an antique,
isn't it?

It's well over
100 years old.

What a beauty.

So what brings
you here, Lieutenant?

We got the report
from the medical examiner,
sir, and it showed...

If you don't mind.
Would you, sir?

You want me
to sign this?

For my wife.
She'd really get
a kick out of it.

You were saying
something about
a medical examiner's report.

Hmm? Oh, yeah.

Mr. Clarke d*ed
of nicotine poisoning.

Nicotine poisoning?

So, Budd smoked
himself to death.

That's great!

What?

Your picture, sir.

It wasn't the nicotine
in the cigarette tobacco
that k*lled him,

it was nicotine sulfate.

Nicotine sulfate?
What's that?

Oh, you've never
heard of it?

No.

Oh, well, sir, it's one
of the deadliest poisons
there is.

It takes only one little drop
to k*ll a man.

That's incredible,
Lieutenant.

You're telling me
that Budd was m*rder*d?

Oh, yes, sir. Mr. Clarke,
he was m*rder*d, all right.

I know you always thought
there was some sort of mystery
surrounding Budd's death.

But poisoned?
Who would have
thought of that?

Well, right from the start,
I thought there was
something fishy here.

(STUTTERING) Yes.
I remember you...

You were worried about

the fingerprints
being on only one side
of the page.

Didn't make any sense.

Well, you were right.

And now it appears,
at least to me,

that somebody must have
placed Budd's hand
on that paper.

The m*rder*r.

Exactly the way
I figured it, sir.

Only way it makes sense.

But I still don't see
how Budd was poisoned with,
what did you call that stuff?

Nicotine sulfate?

Right, sir. I haven't
figured that out yet.

But I'm working on it.

Oh, I'm sure
you are, Lieutenant.

And I have the utmost
confidence in you,

that you'll come up
with the right answer.

(OPENS DOOR)

Thank you
very much, sir.

Oh, there's something else
that's been bugging me.

And what's that,
Lieutenant?

We found an ashtray
full of cigarette butts
on Mr. Clarke's desk.

We also found
a cigarette in his hand.

Budd was a chain smoker,
Lieutenant.
Now, you know that.

The autopsy report showed
that he inhaled the poison
only moments before he d*ed.

But, Mr. Clarke hadn't smoked
the cigarette in his hand

or any of the cigarettes
on his desk.

Why would
you say that?

No nicotine stains
on the filters.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN: Okay,
come on, you guys.

Right. Come on out.

Good, fellas. All right,
move forward, please.

Yes.

Move in.

Right, hold up.
You got it.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Good.

Good, guys.
Yeah, high kick.
Yeah, that's it.

Good. Flip, flip it.
Come on, let's go.

Hop.

Girls, and roll it.
All right,
here we go. Yeah!

(INSTRUCTOR
CONTINUES CHATTERING)

All right. Good.

Rock it up, come on.

All right,
now roll it.

(STUTTERING)
I don't know.
I think so. And...

We're ready for you,
Mr. Anders. Could you
come with me, please?

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir.
Can I help you?

I'm looking
for Wade Anders.

The security guard said
I could find him here.

Well, if you'd like
to leave your name.
I can take...

I'm from the police, ma'am.
Lieutenant Columbo.

Oh, I see.
He's right over there.

Huh? He was there
a minute ago.

Let me ask you something,
is Roseanne Barr here?

No, she won't
be here until later.

Oh, I'd like
to see her.

You know,
this is my first time.

She'll be here
at 5:30.

This is a great number.

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, let's go.
Big finish. Come on.
More energy.

Lieutenant.
Oh, there you are.

Fancy meeting you here.

Oh, this is really
something, sir...

Hi! Can I have your
autograph, please?

Me, too!
Me, too!

Yeah, it's exciting,
isn't it?

Thank you.
I love to watch 'em dance.

Yeah, they got
great legs.

Thank you.

No business
like show business,
eh, Lieutenant?

Oh, you can
say that again, sir.

Talking about
show business,

do you know the first
actress that was ever
on a postage stamp?

No, I don't, Lieutenant.
Now, who was that?

Grace Kelly.

When she married
Prince Rainier.

You don't say.

To commemorate
the wedding.

Lieutenant, are you
here to see me?

Yes, sir, I am.
Here's what happened.

After I left you,
I had a meeting
with the captain.

This case is now
m*rder, right?

Right.

So he said to me,
"Where do we go
from here?"

Natural question,
right?

Right.

Me? I got no answers.

And now he sits down
and he's looking right at me.

This guy is tough.

So he says, "Who did
Mr. Clarke last see?"

I said, "On Saturday, sir,
the day he d*ed,
he didn't see anybody."

"But who did he see
on Friday?"

I said, "On Friday,
he went to work,
saw the people there,

"had an appointment
with a Mr. Wade..."

Wade Anders.

He knew you, sir.
He did?

Loves your show.
Really?

WOMAN: Mr. Anders!
They're waiting for you
at the podium.

Thank you.

So, the bottom line is...
Lieutenant.

Is this your way of asking
what I was doing on Saturday?

It is, sir. Yes.

Well, for heaven's sake,
why don't you just
come out and ask it?

Well, with certain
people it's hard.

Don't be foolish.
Now, what time
was the m*rder?

Between 6:00
and 7:00 p.m.

Between 6:00
and 7:00 p.m.

I was in my production
office, working.

Anybody with you?

No.

How can we
verify that, sir?

Verify it?

If we could.

Verify it.
That's where I was.
That's it.

Anything else?

No. Thank you very much.

WADE: The nominees for
Outstanding Directing and...

Lieutenant.

It just occurred to me,
that my presence
in that production office,

is probably recorded on
the surveillance tape.

Oh.

Would that be of help?

Absolutely.

Good.
Then I'll have it ready.
Any time you stop by.

Tomorrow?

Fine.

Thank you very much.

Marty, I'm sorry
to hold you up.

The nominees for
Outstanding Director in a
miniseries or special are...

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GEARS GRINDING)

(BACKFIRING)

Could you back it up?

Move it back!

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

Are you all right?

No problem.

Hey, it looks
pretty good.

I don't see anything.
I think the bumper
saved you.

WADE: Lieutenant,
do you see that?

They're gonna have
to take off the hood,
try to match the paint.

It's going to cost
about $2,000.

Well, why don't
we look at my car?

What kind of car
was that anyway?

Oh, this is a 1950 Peugeot,
sir, they're very rare.

This didn't just
all happen.

Well, you see this
here? That's new.

Oh, that just
happened. Yeah.

(BUMPER CLANGING)

Got insurance?

Yes, sir.

It's not going to be easy
to match my paint.
I can tell you that.

(SIGHING)

Oh, that shouldn't
be too hard.

That looks like
a standard gray.

Smoked silver,
custom.

Smoked silver? Oh!

Hmm.

I presume you came
for the surveillance tape?

Yes, sir,
I promised the captain
I'd pick it up today.

Fine.

Is everything all right?

Not serious.
Just help me
get rid of him.

How do you do, ma'am?

Hey, look at the camera.
It's just like in a bank.

We have a lot
of confidential data
here, Lieutenant.

If it got in the wrong hands,
it could do a lot of harm.

Well, I hope this
satisfies your captain.

I hope so too, sir,
and thank you
very much for this.

You're welcome.

Oh, gee.

You know,
while I'm here...

Maybe I'd better
give you the name
of my insurance company.

Well, I think
it'd be easier

if you'd just let
the production company
handle it.

Oh, well,
that's very nice.

Here are your notes
for the Policeman's Ball.

They want
your okay on it.

Oh, we're going,
you know.
The wife and I.

Oh, yeah, she's already
picked out a new outfit.
She's so excited.

Well, I'll see you
tomorrow evening, sir.

(DOOR OPENING)

(SIGHS)

(BAND PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hello, Ken. You've got
quite a tan on you.

Thank you.
I don't think
you've been working, huh?

Hi, Jim.
Wade! How you doing?

Thanks for all that help.
Hello, ladies.

Wade! How are you?

How are you?
Thanks. I'm fine.

I haven't seen you
since the Bel-Air Hotel.

That's right.

Lieutenant.

That's...
That's quite a change.

Oh! Yeah.

It's my wife.
She made me wear it.

Well, she's so excited.

(STUTTERS)
I wondered...

Would you mind,
could I introduce you
to her?

Certainly, but,
we're going to have to
make it quick, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Gee, she was here
a minute ago.

That's all I've heard
on the way over.

Oh, I know.
Probably in
the ladies' room.

You know how women are.
They always want
to look their best.

When you find her,
you bring her over
to the table.

I'm looking forward
to meeting her.

What? Is something
wrong, Lieutenant?

Well, it's your shirt, sir.
It's so perfect.
There's not a wrinkle in it.

What'd you pay for that?

Well, I don't know.
Maybe $300.

Just for the shirt?

Yeah. Starch was extra.

It's...
It's Italian.

Well, that's amazing, sir.

Now, this shirt I got on,
it traveled just as far.

It only cost 29.95.

It's Korean.

Well, it's very nice,
Lieutenant.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I've got to get to the table.

Oh, I don't want to
hold you up, sir.

Oh, Mr. Anders!

I know you're going to
want to hear about this.

Can this wait
until later?

I realize this is not
a good time.
I'm bothering you and all.

Right.

We found a film.

About a girl.

Holly.

She lives in Houston.

Why don't you go on
up to the table,
I'll meet you there.

All right,
fine.

Lieutenant.

What were you saying
about some girl in Houston?

There was an audio tape
in Budd Clarke's car.

His notes
on information
on a party film.

Isn't that what
they're called, sir?

Holly Does Houston.

You do remember it,
don't you?

Lieutenant, why would
you mention that now,
in here?

You knew that Budd Clarke
had a copy of the film?

How would I know that?

Well, he came
to see you.

Wait a minute.

You don't think that
was the story he was
working on, do you, sir?

Are you saying Budd Clarke
was planning to blackmail me?

That's a possibility.

What would
that accomplish?

We all make mistakes.

I was very young
and that was a long time ago.

MAX: Oh, there you are.

Sorry, Lieutenant.
Wade, you're needed
at the table.

Oh, would you tell Ken
we'll be right there.

Lieutenant, I would
deem it a great
professional courtesy

if you'd not mention
this to anyone else.

Oh, I understand, sir.

Wade, you're holding up
the entire party!

I'm coming!

Sir...

Come on.

(DOGS BARKING)

Hi, Beauty!
Dog ready?

I believe so, Lieutenant.
John, is Dog ready?

Ready to go.

Hello, Lieutenant.
How are you?

I'm fine, John.
Just fine. And you?

(GRUNTING) Oh,
we're just great.
Here we go.

Oh! Get a look at you.

How good you look!

You know, there's not
a dog in the place
you couldn't have.

(DOG GRUNTING)

He don't look
too happy.

Come on. Come on,
we got to go now.

Come on.
(GRUNTING)

Come on, come on.

I think he's mad at me.

He shouldn't be.
We gave him
the royal treatment.

A herbal conditioner
after the bath.
Makes the skin soft.

And when Mrs. Columbo
heard we had a special,

she said, "Go ahead,
give him the pedicure."

The what?

Is Sebastian
ready yet?

Yeah, I'll go get him.
Hope to see you soon,
Lieutenant.

All right.
Pedicure?

Oh, look,
he's sulking.

All right, I'll give
you something you want.

You want
a little beef? There.

Let me see your pedicure.

Oh, oh! That's nice.

Pedicure?

Hold this.

(DIALING)

FRANK: Hello? Yeah?
Yeah, Frank?

Columbo. Look, I'm going
to be over at the station
at 4:00

to look at
the surveillance tape.

When I get done, I want
a photographer there.

Photographer?
Right.

You got it.

And tell the photographer
to bring the macro lens.

Instead of the video?

No, I want to look
at the tape first.

All right.

WOMAN: What are we
looking for, Lieutenant?

Let's just run it
one more time.

Something's
bothering me.

And I just can't
put my finger on it.

Well, I really don't know
what you're looking for.

You've run this
so many times already.

I know, but...
Maybe this time.

That's it.

Okay, enough.

I saw all I need.

(CREW CHATTERING LOUDLY)

That's fantastic.
Max, you did it.

Remind me
to call the network
in the morning,

I want to use this
for this week's promo.

You got it.

Well, a few of us
are going out for
some Mexican food,

if you guys
want to join us?

Oh, count me in,
I'm starved.

Wade?

You're starved
and I'm tired.

I'm going to
do some work and then
I'll head on home.

Come on.
Come on.

You all go ahead.
Thank you.

All right, good night.

Good night, Wade.

Good night, sir.
Good work, Max.

(DOOR CLOSING)

COLUMBO: I saw the tape.

Lieutenant?

You... You saw the tape?

Yeah, I saw
the surveillance tape
you gave me.

And?

I'd like you
to see it, sir.

I've already seen it,
Lieutenant.

You know, I kept
looking at that tape,

I couldn't figure out
just what it was
that was bothering me.

There's nothing wrong
with that tape, Lieutenant.

I can assure you that.
I've seen it myself.

I'd like you to
see it again, sir.

I don't need to
see it, Lieutenant.

I'm tired
and I've got
a lot of work to do.

Mr. Anders.

Mr. Anders,
there is something
you should see.

What is it
that's bothering
you, Lieutenant?

Why don't
you look for yourself,
then decide?

This better be
worth my time.

If you would, sir.

It's perfectly fine,
Lieutenant.
Just as I said.

It would appear that way,
but if you could just
play it once again, sir.

There. Right there.
Stop there.

Do you see, sir,
when you came in
the production office,

the hedges
were neatly trimmed.

You claim that was
Saturday morning.

Now, it's seven hours later,

you can tell that
by the clock
and you're leaving.

But it can't be
Saturday night,
because, look.

Look at the hedges!

Well, even my niece's
green thumb couldn't
grow hedges that fast.

Just what are you
driving at, Lieutenant?

That you weren't in
your production office
as you said,

at the time that
Mr. Clarke d*ed.

(DOG PANTING)

Have you ever seen
this kid before?

No, I can't say I have.

COLUMBO:
What about the dog?
Have you seen the dog?

WADE: No.
Are you sure?

How should I remember
every dog I see?

It's Budd Clarke's dog.

Well, how should
I know that?

Are you sure
you've never seen
that dog before?

I have never been
to Budd Clarke's house.

You have never been
to Budd Clarke's house?

No, I have never been
to Budd Clarke's house.

I don't even know
where he lives!

You have never been
to Budd Clarke's house.
Are you sure of that?

Lieutenant, how many times
do I have to answer that?

Frank! Did you get that?

(DOOR OPENING)

Yeah, I got it.

This is
a real friendly dog.

(WHIMPERING)

Got a missing claw.

When we had that
car accident the other day
in your parking lot,

I felt some scratches
on the car door.

Didn't think too much
about it at the time.

But then I remembered,

that the first time I went
to Budd Clarke's house,

this dog was
all over my car.

Made some scratches.
Nothing serious.

And the scratches
on your car door

came to about
the same place
as the scratches on mine.

Then it hit me.

We used a special
magnifying lens.

See, your car door,
left paw, three scratches,
right, four.

My car door. Left,
three scratches, right, four.
Exactly the same.

So you see, sir,
you had to have been
at Mr. Clarke's home.

A dog?

(WHIMPERING)
Man's best friend.

Well, at least you got
a good story for our show.

ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Tune in, CrimeAlert,
Tuesday at 9:00 p.m.

And see the capture
of Duke Dimarco
and Barbara Baylor.

No, I don't think so.

But it will be
for the 11:00 news.

Remember!
Keep your eyes open
and stay alert!

(DOG BARKING)