01x19 - Entering Eden

[bunniefuu]

In Chatswin, the grass really is greener.

The fruit sweeter.

The vegetables snappier.
Even the corn seems crunchier.

It's a produce paradise.

A veritable garden of...

Eden. Nice to meet you, Frank.

Nice to meet you.
- Gorgeous Braeburns.

- Thank you.
- They really are.

Since we're introducing ourselves,
I'm George Altman.

Frank De Luca.
De Luca Orchards. Route 9.

Hello.
- And this is Eden.

- Eden.
- Apple, George?

I'm tempted,
but, uh, won't it get me kicked out?

Don't be stupid, it's a free sample.

Would you be interested
in maybe grabbing a coffee?

Mm.

I don't drink coffee.

You know,
between the chemicals, pesticides...

...and exploitation of workers,
it's basically the devil.

- But I'll do you one better.
- Better?

Than a cup of the devil?

- My treat. What would you like?
- Oh. Um...

All right. Well, it all looks terrible. Heh.

I'm clueless when it comes
to this health crap. You pick.

Okay. Two Kitchen Sinks...

...with bee pollen, acidophilus
and extra brewer's yeast.

Oh, yes, extra, please.

Nothing quenches
like a good cup of yeast, am I right?

- All right. Thank you.
- Thanks.

Cheers.

And thank you, but just so you know,
if I wasn't trying to impress you...

...no way this would touch my lips.

- You're gonna love it.
- Oh, all right. Here we go.

Oh.

Oh, okay. Not bad.

- Right?
- It tastes like...

My throat's closing.

My throat's closing.

You might be allergic to something.

- You think?
- Nettle juice.

Someone run
and get some nettle juice!

Call an ambulance. I can't breathe.

- I feel awful.
- Me too, ha, ha.

I've never seen someone react like that
to natural ingredients.

- Uh, well, I'm a New Yorker.
- I'm sorry.

- I shouldn't have pushed you into that.
- No, it's good.

I convulsed on your shoulder,
I wheezed in your lap.

I really feel like
we know each other now.

Mr. Foreman?

- No.
- George Foreman?

- George Foreman?
- Well, I couldn't remember.

And it was the first George
that popped into my head.

Look, George Cute-Smile
wasn't gonna get you treated.

Mr. Cute-Smile, you're free to go.

We prescribed antihistamines,
an EpiPen in the event...

Another woman tries
to make me drink poison?

I'm afraid I can't prescribe
anything for the googly eyes.

Although I'd like to.
Because they're making me sick.

I've been up for 40 hours.

So this was fun, heh.

On our, heh, second date,
I'll slam your hand in a door.

Heh, second date? That means
I get another bite of the apple, Eden?

Call me when your face clears up.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Sorry. I have to kiss you now.

Just removed
an 85-year-old man's catheter.

I still can't believe
people buy broken shards of glass.

They don't.
They buy Crystal Tears From Heaven.

- Hey.
- Hey, Lisa.

Can I get a half-pound
of the Crystal Tears From Heaven?

And also I need something for Malik.

It's our month-iversary
so it needs to be special.

- Mommy, I need money.
- I'm with a customer.

I'll be right with you. Lisa, does Malik
have a holographic image of you...

- ...set in crystal?
- I'm embarrassed to say no.

- You walked straight through my pile.
- Your pile isn't my problem.

No, I agree. You have much more
serious problems that predate this pile.

You can't talk to me like that.
I'm your boss.

I work for your mother, not you.

- I came out of my mother.
- Not how it works.

- Tessa, you're fired.
- Wanna bet?

Mommy, I just fired Tessa
without severance.

What? Dalia, what has gotten into you?
Tessa's not fired.

But look.
She did a terrible job sweeping.

How would you know?
You've never swept a day in your life.

You know what, Mommy?
You can forget the money.

I don't even want it any more.

Okay, what about a reptile?

- Too cold?
- Mm.

How about a parrot?
They're clever. They can talk.

Not everything that talks is clever.

I think having a pet
would make us feel more like a family.

Ugh, roommates shouldn't have pets.

What if one moves out...

- ...then the pet has to choose sides?
- Roommates. That's another thing.

Why do you insist
on calling us roommates?

How come you put an empty seat
between us at the movie theater?

For popcorn. I've told you,
that's the popcorn seat, heh.

I feel like you are ashamed of us.

Saying no to a pet is just your way
of saying no to a real commitment.

Look, Nora and I had a cat.
After the divorce, I...

You always bring up Nora whenever
I try to talk about our relationship.

- I'm not Nora.
- How about we get an area rug?

If things don't work out,
we can always cut that in half.

I'm telling you, man,
that kiss took my breath away.

Noah, I have not felt a connection
like this, since...

Well, maybe, ever.

Look, I don't wanna one-up you,
but I'm gonna.

Jill and I are expecting.

- A baby?
- A baby, man.

A goo-goo gaga baby. Ha, ha.

Of course, we needed help.
Jill is of a certain age.

- She's all right? She's feeling good?
- She's amazing.

- I know.
- Okay, all right, wow.

That's great, man. Look at us, huh?

It feels like we're,
I don't know, starting over.

Let's have dinner tomorrow night
to celebrate.

We can meet your new lady
and we can toast my seed, huh?

Up top. Come on.

Smells like burnt rubber.

That is what I'm making you for dinner
because I am going out.

Are you just stir-frying
the nonstick coating or what?

My baby is missing!

What?
- My baby is missing.

- She's gone.
- No one would kidnap Dalia.

- Did she run away?
- Not Dalia. Yakult.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Yakult's missing.
She is missing, y'all.

I've looked everywhere.
Inside the house, outside.

Inside the guest house, outside.

Inside the pool cabana,
outside the pool cabana. She's gone.

I can't breathe.

- I can't find breath.
- Dallas...

Don't touch me. Don't touch me.
I feel confined.

If something happens to that dog,
I don't know what I'll do.

I don't know how I'll press on.
I won't.

Okay, Dallas, hey.

You need to calm down and sit
and tell us exactly what happened.

I'm sure Yakult is okay.
We'll put up flyers...

Tessa, you have to find my girl.
Promise me.

She's out there alone.

What will she eat come dinner?
Where will she sleep come night?

Where, Tessa?

- Hey. Sorry we're late.
- Hey.

My lady was blow-drying her hair
for three quarters of an hour.

Heh, hey. Here you go.

- Oh, why, thank you, George.
- Of course.

Hey, hey what is this? You trying
to steal my gal, huh? Where's yours, heh?

Should be here any minute, hopefully.
I'm starting to think she got cold feet.

You think it was too soon to do
a double date? Did I mess up?

Can I start you off
with some cocktails?

I'll have a Scotch. Neat.

Really? Ls that allowed?

I'm gonna have a Lemon Drop,
and sugar up the rim for me, angel.

We're celebrating tonight, heh.

Thank you. How far along are you?

I gotta tell you, Jill,
you barely look pregnant.

Pregnant? I look pregnant?

Um, am I missing something?
We're celebrating.

You told me she was pregnant.

- I told you we were having a baby.
- What?

We hired a surrogate
to carry the baby.

I wanted to carry it myself but
I'm simply too busy with my new book:

Making Time for What Matters.

Ah. You never mentioned a surrogate.

She is farm-raised, sun-kissed,
and completely organic.

Uterine walls of concrete.

Oh, there she is.

Well, the conversation
may have run dry...

...but my swordfish
was exceptionally moist.

Exceptionally.

Look, this is silly, all right?

You guys only had one date,
George didn't know you were pregnant.

And you didn't know
that George was my best friend.

And now that we all know
what we know, it's over.

We can all put this uncomfortable mess
behind us.

Is that how you feel, George?

This is an uncomfortable mess
that we should put behind us?

Heh, oh, I mean, I don't know if it's a
mess, but I certainly am uncomfortable.

Goodbye, George Foreman.

It was nice almost knowing you.

Come on. You cannot date a woman...

...that has my baby inside of her.

Ha, ha, come on, I know I'm preaching
to the choir here, right?

Right?

Yeah.

She didn't look pregnant.

Did she look pregnant to you?

That's the photo? She looks haggard.
Why couldn't you pick one...

...of her smiling?
Yakult has a beautiful smile.

Is that a security camera?

Yeah, Steven had it installed to make
sure everyone took off their shoes.

I don't know if you recall,
but he had a shoe thing.

It was kind of his
defining characteristic.

- Recording? It looks like it's recording.
- My gosh, it's always recording.

My gosh. It's always recording.
To the control room.

Don't see those any more.

At the time, joystick-based security
was considered cutting edge.

This model came with "Asteroids."

Let's just check some old footage.

There's Yakult right there.

What is she doing?

Did she just...?

Dalia Oprah Royce,
get down here right now.

I'm inverted.

I said get down here now.

I can't believe this. My own daughter.

- My own flesh and blood.
- What, Mommy? I just got upside down.

- You swept Yakult.
- I did not.

We just watched you do so
on surveillance.

You swept that poor, innocent dog.
How could you?

- It was great when Tessa swept.
- Can't believe you're my child.

I can't believe I have raised
such a selfish, vindictive girl.

You better pray that dog is unharmed
or else...

Tessa.

Thank you for being who you are.

Somebody raised you right.
And clearly, it wasn't me.

- Alan, come quickly and see.
- What's wrong?

- I was about to get in the shower.
- I was out buying an area rug...

...low pile, modern, geometric...

...when all of a sudden,
I felt something lick me.

In the heart.
I turned around to find this.

- You went out and got a dog.
- Absolutely not.

He got me. Or more specifically, us.

This dog was sent here, Alan,
to make us a family.

Just look at those pretty brown eyes.

All right. I just got licked too.

The two of us put our heads together,
come up with a name.

I already named him.
His name is Hanson.

Deep cleansing breath.

Did you hear that?
She just took a deep breath.

Guys, just come in. I can hear you.

Hi.

We'd just like to touch base
about last night.

To sum up, George,
not the man we thought he was.

Noah, didn't handle things great.

I don't handle things great.
Ha, ha, I don't.

We don't want you to feel
any resentment.

That resentment will flow through
your body and drench our fetus.

Don't worry. There's nothing happening
between George and me.

Yes!

I'm sorry you're alone.

You guys,
we need to figure out where Yakult is...

...so I can bring her back to Mommy
so she won't be sad and mad at me.

You guys, we seriously need
to brainstorm, you guys.

What was that, Kimantha?

Nothing.

No, I just... I shifted my weight
from my left foot to my right.

Oh. Good idea.

Word on the paddle courts
is Noah knocked up your lady.

- Are you homeschooled or what?
- You think you're the first fella...

...to fall for a bird
with someone else's egg in her nest?

Look at Heidi Klum and Seal.

She had someone else's bun
in the oven.

- What's your point?
- Sarah Jessica Parker used a surrogate.

If Broderick can deal, so can you.

I don't have a problem
with surrogacy.

I'm just trying to wrap my head
around the idea...

...of dating someone
who's carrying a baby.

Jill and Noah's baby.

It's...

It's complicated.

AJ, even you must see that.

Chalk up your tip, George, and you'll
have better control over your balls.

Mr. Wolfe? Could you make
an announcement at the assembly?

- A friend of mine lost her dog.
- Aah! Um...

- ls that the dog?
- Yeah, her name's Yakult.

Yakult? That dog doesn't look like
a Yakult to me.

- Have you seen her?
- No. No, I certainly have not.

Tessa, aren't you supposed to be
in forensic science right now?

Why, yes, I am.

Yes, I am.

All right, look, I've been thinking.
I made a decision. I wanna be Seal.

Not how he is now but how he was then
and I want you to be okay with it.

I love you, but you're no Seal, okay?
He's my desktop image, okay?

I ran into him once in a D'Agostino's.

.50..
- Noah, I wanna see Eden.

And I want your blessing.

All right, I don't wanna be
a hard ass about this...

...but I strictly forbid it.

I know you're caught up
on the sex stuff, but it's not about that.

I just... I just like her, you know?
I can't stop thinking about her.

- So you'll keep it platonic?
- Heh, I didn't say that.

How would you feel if Jill and I
wanted to have sex on top of Tessa?

That's not the same thing.
I hope you know that.

- I want you to be happy.
- I want you to be happy too, man.

Okay. Let's make a deal, all right?

You keep all the physical stuff
on the back burner...

...until my baby is birthed...

...and I'll be completely supportive.

Okay? She'll never take you back.
Ha, ha.

Come on, buddy.

Yakult's in that welfare hotel?

It's not a welfare hotel,
it's a condominium.

Just trust me.

I'm trying to help you.

You knew I was grounded, so you lied,
so you could lure me into East Chatswin...

...so you could m*rder me,
get plastic surgery...

...so you could assume my identity,
so you could be cool.

Yakult isn't even here.

Oh, my God. There she is.

- Mr. Wolfe, stop.
- You didn't see anything.

- That's my mom's dog.
- No, it isn't. This is Hanson.

- What's going on here?
- Alan, they're trying to take our dog.

That is the Royces' dog.
Her name is Yakult.

She is not Hanson. She doesn't
even have a boy part. Look.

She doesn't have a boy part.

- Hanson.
- This is why I didn't wanna get a dog.

I guess maybe you were right.

No, no, I was wrong.

God, Alan, you're so contrary.

But I think what you and Hanson
have taught me...

...is you can't not get a dog forever.

Sooner or later, someone is gonna
come along and lick your heart.

The way you licked mine.

So if you want a new dog,
I'm open to it now.

- You said that roommates shouldn't...
- We're not roommates.

We're h*m* lovers.

And it's time I started acting like one.

- Can you wait?
- Part of the problem was...

...I didn't show Mr. Wolfe
public affection.

- So, no.
- Mm.

Okay, we're gonna go.

But these are all
h*m* boy clothes.

Yakult was living as a gay male dog
in East Chatswin.

I can't thank you enough, Tessa.

It really wasn't me. It was Dalia.

- Dalia?
- She's the one who spotted Yakult.

- Good eyes.
- She gets that from my side.

- Steven has astigmatism.
- I'm sorry I swept, Mommy.

I promise I'll never sweep again.

From now on,
I'll leave all that up to Carmen, okay?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Like you can't stand if someone else
gets attention for two seconds, Yakult.

We get it. It's your big day.

- Frank, you have any olive branches?
- You know damn well I don't.

Eden, wait. I'm sorry.
Look, hear me out, please.

George, you don't have to explain.
I get it.

It's a weird situation and you feel
uncomfortable. Didn't work out.

Oh, well. Sucks.

- I know I acted...
- Narrow-minded.

Yeah. Didn't expect that from you.

- Kind of blows.
- Which is it? Does it suck or blow?

Both.

Eden, I've never been in a situation
like this before.

I don't exactly
know how to navigate it...

...but I have a feeling
I'm gonna regret it if I don't try.

Do you have any other allergies?

Like, where do you stand
on steamed squash blossoms?

I reserve the right to be allergic
to anything that sounds gross.

Okay.

You know,
I'm gonna start showing soon.

Let's just worry
about squash blossoms for now.

Heh, okay.