03x04 - The Birds and the Biederman

[bunniefuu]

Ever since her breakup
with George,

Dallas was taking a new,
hands-on approach to life.

Can I help you?

Oh, I can damn sure help myself!

Except when it comes to Lacey Swiss.

Half a pound, please.

Tasks she used to delegate...

Carmen, can you change the...
Never mind.

...she was now tackling on her own.

In fact her attitude, in general, was...

Let me walk this dog.

All right, girl,

let's show these b*tches
who's pranciest.

Would you look
at the size of that animal?

He has no right being off-leash!

That owner must be a real... Altman?

George Altman.

Abort!

Abort!

Dallas using her dog to avoid George

made it hard to imagine a time

when they were actually happy
to see each other.

Sheila's home!

And the people rejoice!

Hiya, Fred.

What a day. What a day.

Let's see. Got all my chores done.

Victor taught me how to play
"World of Warcraft."

Now, did you know that he's an adviser

to the High Priestess of Elune?

Well, he is.

I know, right?

Then me and the gals went for coffee...

Okay, Fred.

Oh, you're not gonna believe
who's perimenopausal...

Fred! I still have my blazer on, okay?

That means I'm in work mode.

I need a second to decompress

before I can start hearing
about who's high priestess

and who's nearing the end
of their fertility cycle.

So until this jacket comes off,

I need you to be a big, old hush puppy.

- That clear?
- Crystal.

Hi, mom.

Uh, Victor, your mother's had
a long day at work.

Say "hi" to me. I'll greet you.

- Hi, dad.
- Hi, son.

Did I do something wrong?

No, no, and neither did I.

But that doesn't mean
we should not apologize.

Where women are concerned,

you should never be afraid to apologize,

even when you didn't do anything wrong.

Got it.

Yeah. Just say "sorry."

Sorry.

Not to me... to them.

Got it.

Sorry.

Suburgatory 3x04 - The Birds and the Biederman
Original air date February 5, 2014

Okay.

Since when did he get a dog?

I don't know.

I mean, is he trying to run into me?

Because he almost ran into me.

And if that happens,
it's just gonna be awks.

Don't you think it'll be awks?

Uh-huh.

I think so, too. That's why,
when a couple breaks up,

you have to define the territories.

And that dog park is my territory.

Totes.

I mean, what's next...

George Altman getting
his cuticles pushed back

at my nail salon?

George Altman opening wide
for my OB/GYN?

Wait. What?

Dalia, I'm gonna need
your help with this.

But I don't like helping with things.

Just hear me out.

No.

I want you to approach Tessa Altman

with this here hastily drawn map
of Chatswin

and tell her to have her daddy avoid

here, here, here, and here.

Here, there, here, and...

These are the parts in Chatswin
where George shan't go.

We need to slice and dice this town

so there's no risk
of us running into each other.

So it's not awks.

"Awksactly"!

Okay.

I'm gonna need
10% of everything you make.

10%?

If you want me to negotiate
on your behalf, I get 10%.

5%.

No.

Girl stands firm. I like that!

While Dalia prepared
to negotiate for her mother,

Fred tried to negotiate

a little quality time with his wife.

Apparently, the hot flashes
aren't the worst part...

It's the incontinence that you...

- Fred!
- Oh!

Sorry, dear.

I didn't realize you were
still in your blazer.

Well, I am.

Well, I guess
I'll just go talk about my day

with a perfect stranger on Chatroulette.

Chatroulette, incidentally,
is all weenuses now.

So don't go on there
looking for a friend.

You won't find one.

"All weenuses." Got it.

Thanks, dad, for giving me
all this great advice.

Honestly, I don't know

if I should be giving anyone advice.

I can't even get your mother
to take her blazer off at night.

Can't you guys just make love
with the blazer on?

In theory.

But I don't mind telling you, Victor,

ever since she started working
outside the home,

we've been ships in the night.

What does "ships in the night" mean?

Well, it means
she's sleeping in her blazer,

and I'm in here, bunking with you.

Do you represent daddy Altman?

What?

I'm here representing mommy.

Do you represent daddy Altman?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Daddy Altman was at mommy's
dog park yesterday.

And?

And she doesn't want him going there

or anywhere else she might be.

So... George is supposed to stay inside

for the rest of his life?

Okay.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Yeah, no.

George is never going to agree to this.

Look, Tessa,

them running into each other
is gonna be awks.

If you ever had
a serious relationship...

I had a serious relationship.

And he moved a million states away

to avoid running into you.

Mommy doesn't want to move.

I don't know what to tell you.

We're just trying to avoid
any unpleasantness.

And you know a lot
about being unpleasant.

Honestly, Dallas' plan seemed
crazy to me.

But that was before I stopped
for an after school yogurt...

Peach'mango unchained?

- Right here.
- Right here.

Oh, hey.

You're the old girl
who used to date Ryan, right?

You mean the original.

Right. June.

Mm-hmm. It's Tessa.

Right.

Ah, here. All yours.

Don't really want it anymore.

You sure?

'Cause it kind of seems like
you still want it.

Hey, Junebug, you want to get...

"Junebug"?

It's just a nickname.

Yeah, I have one for you, too...

Tessa... dactyl.

I texted you after school

to see if you wanted to get a yogurt,

and you said you had plans?

And I do, with Junebug.
Did I not mention that?

No.

That's good, 'cause judging
from your expression,

I would have guessed
it would seriously tick you off.

Oh, no, no. I'm not ticked off.

No, I think it's great

that you love hanging out
with Junebug so much.

In fact, if Ryan doesn't
marry her, maybe you should.

I'm seeing someone.

Hey! Tsch!

- Me?
- Him. Tsch!

He shouldn't be pulling.

He's not the Alpha... you're the Alpha.

Exactly.

I wish every woman
would acknowledge that.

Tsch!

So, are we still on for tomorrow,

for the off-leash stuff in the park?

Are you kidding me?

I am always up for the off-leash
stuff in the park.

What park?

Oh, hey. I thought you were
having dinner with Lisa.

Yeah, well, plans change, George.

Plans change, sides are chosen,
friendships destroyed.

Oh, boy. Tell me while I feed the dog.

So, Lisa, my best friend,
has been hanging out

with my ex's new girlfriend
behind my back.

What?!

Thank you. Exactly.

However, her ex happens to be
Lisa's brother.

- Oh. Well, that is different.
- Is it? Really?

First, she takes her to my yogurt place,

and now they're
at my favorite thrift store,

trying on berets together.

I'm stalking them on Instagram.

Look, I know it's hard
not to feel territorial,

but there are certain things
you can't claim ownership of.

Which reminds me...

What's this?

It's a hastily drawn map of Chatswin

and its George-restricted areas.

Apparently, Dallas saw you
at the dog park today,

and she's claiming that's her territory.

Who's Dallas?

Her territory? What? Like...

That is insane.

I can't believe she felt compelled

to resort to cartography
just to avoid running into me.

Dallas is his ex.

Yeah, we haven't seen each other
since the split.

But if she thinks I'm gonna be weird,

I'm not gonna be weird.
I'm gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be completely Kajagoogoo.

Tell her.

Tell her, Tess. Tell her
how Kajagoogoo I can be.

- It's true.
- Right.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to get Biederman
some more food at the market.

Uh, w... which market?

But it's not mom's birthday.

No, it is not.

Then why are you giving her a present?

Because, Victor,
when empty apologies fail,

sometimes, we must resort to...

- Bird feeders?
- Romance.

Your mother loves hummingbirds.

In fact, on the day we married,

a pair of hummingbirds hovered above

as we exchanged our vows.

Hopefully this feeder will
remind her of that day

and all the glorious days since.

And then she'll let you
touch her boobies?

In a perfect world, yes.

Are you sure we're not related?

Now, I would argue
that's not the best kibble.

With a dog like Biederman,

you're gonna want to go grain-free.

It's easier on his system.

Yeah, when you say "grain-free,"

I hear "unreasonably expensive."

Well, when you say
"unreasonably expensive,"

I hear "kind of a cheap ass."

What about...

Oh, hey. What do you know about coffee?

Holy crap. What... what about wet food?

Wet food's good for protein,
but it's kind of fattening,

and so, with a dog his size,
you don't...

What are you doing?

What? Oh, I'm just, uh...

looking at the... the calorie content.

I'm... I'm a little nearsighted,
so this helps me.

Are you hiding?

Because that is not
a very good hiding place.

It's Dallas. She's right over there.

Wow. I guess Tessa
wasn't kidding about that map.

What happened to Kajagoogoo?

Oh, you know damn well

they've been irrelevant since the '80s.

George had underestimated

how seeing Dallas was
going to make him feel.

And now that the reality had hit him,

he had no other choice but to...

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm climbing into the shopping cart.

- Give me your hand. Help stabilize me.
- Oh!

- Stabilize me!
- Aah!

Now, grab those two economy-sized bags

and lay them over me.

Go ahead. Just lay them over me!

Now what?

Use the express lane.

Things had been a little tense with Lisa

since the yogurt incident,
but it was nothing

a little DVR'd "Crocnami" couldn't fix.

It's nice to see
Shannen Doherty starting over

after losing six small children
in the crocnami.

She's very fertile.

She is. And...

I like that she's attempting
a water birth.

Oh, yeah, that's very courageous.

Did you notice her midwife
is wearing crocs?

I didn't catch that the first time.

Push, Jessica, push!
Push my baby out of you!

Your first time?

Well, I was at June's house
the night it aired...

And don't look!

She's about to give birth
to a crocodile!

- Aah.
- Thanks.

Thank you for ruining the ending

and, also, for taking
a giant croc on our friendship.

Tessa!

But, Tessa, when they come back
from commercial,

she's gonna try breast-feeding!

"Oh, thank you, Fred!"

"I love my bird feeder, and I love you."

"That was so thoughtful."

"Why don't you go
ahead and touch my boobies?"

Yes!

From your mouth to Sheila's.

- Sheila!
- Mom!

What happened to your eye?

What didn't?

I had no idea that your father

turned our backyard
into a wildlife preserve

when I stepped out there
with my morning coffee.

It was like something
out of a Hitchcock movie.

They descended upon our haven,
thirsty for blood!

One of them went rogue
and made a beeline

right for my cornea.

And now I'm blind in one eye.

Blind in one eye?

Oh, come on.

Well, I can't see.

That's because you're wearing
an eye patch!

And why am I wearing an eye patch, Fred?

Why am I wearing an eye patch?!

Um, because your loving husband
tried to bring

the romance of songbirds
back into your life.

Does this look like romance?

Does this look like romance?

No. That looks infected.

After some soul-searching,

George and I came
to the same conclusion...

Maybe drawing some boundaries
wasn't a bad idea after all.

Tessa...

I'm so sorry about the other night.

That kind of thing will
never happen again.

You're right. It won't.

Because I came up with a plan
to make sure it doesn't.

June and I will have you

on alternate weekends and holidays.

Additionally,
we'll each have you to ourselves

on our respective birthdays.

I just don't know how to handle yours.

You know what?
Don't even stress about that.

I'll celebrate my birthday
alone, in a closet,

so that neither
one of you feels slighted.

That works for me.

What's all this?

These are my associates.

Where are your associates?

I don't have any associates.

Okay.

Okay, so, this is what George agreed to.

We can alternate days at the dog park,

but he wants Shun Ju.

We eat there a lot.

So do we.

How about this?

We'll take Shun Ju mondays,
wednesdays, and fridays.

You can have it every other day.

We need mondays.

Objection!

Mondays are Moo Shu mondays!

She'd have to be an idiot
to agree to those terms!

Calm down, Schulman.

We can alternate mondays.

However, if you breach this agreement

and trespass on a Monday
designated to us,

we are entitled to damages

including, but not limited to,
one Szechuan Sunday per month,

plus we reserve the right
to invoke cloture,

terminating your future mondays
as designated herewith.

Bitch.

Okay, so, we're agreed, then?

No, Tessa.

Nothing is agreed to
until everything is agreed to.

We haven't even started
with our demands yet.

Sections 3, 5, and 11 are okay,

but I need Christmas
at the Farmer's Market

'cause that's where I buy my tree,

and I want full custody
of the hardware store.

And I want next week's pub crawl.

Well, fine.

I won't crawl the pubs if he promises

not to attend any pageants,
fashion shows,

or fashion-show pageants.

And I want Thanksgiving
at the Farmer's Market

because that's
where I intend to buy my bird

and all the fixings
for my acorn stuffing.

Okay, she cannot purchase
every single acorn known to man.

Some of us have dishes
that have acorns in them, too.

I want a 36-acorn cap.

Then I want all marathons,
walkathons, bikeathons,

and anything -thon related
that I might be forgetting.

Pictionary at the Shays'!

Furthermore, he must cease
and desist tweeting about me!

I've never tweeted about her!
I'm not even on Twitter!

Actually, Noah set up a parody
account called @therealgeorgealtman.

It's... it's blue
but pretty entertaining stuff.

Well, that's Noah's hobby, not mine.

No deal. Tell her no deal!

For two people who didn't
want to be in contact,

they were doing an awful lot
of second-party communicating,

and the second parties
were getting weary.

So, mommy is running errands tomorrow,

and she needs to park on Weaver street.

Ohh, George has Weaver street,
and you know this.

It took a lifetime
to bang out Weaver street.

I don't know what to tell you.

These appointments were
scheduled months ago.

Aren't you sick of this?

- Totes.
- Who are they kidding?

They don't want to be in communication?

They're in constant
communication via us!

- I never wanted to talk to you this much.
- Ditto.

Maybe the two of them running
into each other would be

for the best... get it over with,

and then we can all get back
to our lives.

Yeah.

Even though you don't have one.

Victor, what are you doing?

Packing up.

Is it okay if I keep this squirrel?

Well, of course. Sinclair is yours.

I may have named him,
but he belongs to you.

Thanks.

It's been fun being your son.

I'll drop you a line sometime.

Where do you think you're going?

Back to the orphanage.

In my experience, once the marriage fails,

the first thing to go
is the foster kids.

The marriage didn't fail.

But you don't love dad anymore.

What? Why would you say that?

It doesn't seem like you love him.

You don't take your blazer off at night,

and you don't talk
about your day with him,

and he never gets to touch your boobies.

Victor!

That's private talk.

Fred, is that what you feel?

We miss you, Sheila.

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

I have just been
under so much pressure at work,

and it's lessened my libido.

That happens, Victor.
That's a real thing.

Then my wife is never gonna work.

It is a lot of responsibility
being the sole breadwinner.

I know. I did it for years.

But I learned
to leave my work at the office

to make time for you.

I don't want our marriage to fail.

I... it won't.

We won't let it.

Look, I know
work's been hard on you, though,

and I just want you to know
that our family appreciates it.

And I just want you to know

that your pumpkin bread is
moister than mine ever was.

Really?

- Well, the secret is Greek yogurt.
- Oh.

Relationships take work,

whether you're husband and wife or BFFs.

That's what I'm talking about.

You have to know
when to hold on tight...

- Mm!
- Oh, God.

- Take off my blazer.
- Will do.

- Take off my blazer.
- Aye, aye.

...and when to let go.

She's not supposed to be here.
It's a Tessa day.

June!

Over here.

What are you doing?

What I should have done
from the beginning...

being a good friend.

I hope you know I never
would have let you celebrate

your birthday in a closet.

I hope you know I would have for you.

No, no. It's past that. Keep going.

If you park on Weaver,

- then you just have to walk down...
- Yakult.

George!

I'm sorry. I think...

Well, there must have been
some confusion.

I think there definitely
was some confusion, yeah.

Well, how have you been?

I've been okay.

George, I just want to say,

I know you felt blind-sided,

and I... I wish I could have handled...

done things differently.

Dallas, you don't have to say anything.

I mean, please don't say anything.

George! George!

Come here, boy!

Wow. Looks like
someone has a new friend.

Yeah.

Listen, I got to go.

Oh. Okay.

Well, maybe we'll mix up
our Moo Shu Monday sometime

- and accidentally run into...
- Maybe.

Hey, slacker! Come on!

Here I come! Give me that big, old ball!

All right, buddy. Ready?

Hey! Go get it!

There.

Now you can leave your work at the door

at the end of the day.

I love it. Mwah!

Oh.

Ohh!

I'm blinded! You double-blinded me!

You double-blinded me!