09x18 - School-ercise

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,
everyone was getting physical.

Walks were powered, bodies were Jaked,

and Richard Simmons made sure
oldies were sweated to.

No one liked moving their body
more than my mom.

(GASPS) Thank you, Richard Simmons.

Your naggy nudginess continues

to challenge and inspire.

Is it weird that it's his job
to constantly work out,

but yet his body looks like
mine after Thanksgiving?

He is ripped and shredded
with enthusiasm.

You're just defending him because you

share the same t*nk-top glitter-er.

I wish. All my sparkle
comes from these hands.

And that smile.

(CHUCKLES) I have an adult friend!

Who's ready for the best
news in the world?

Did Giuseppe's change their policy

and are now accepting parties of one?

New Year's Eve, here I come.

No, and wow.

The actual good news
is that P.E. was canceled

for the rest of senior year.

We would high-five,
but that would require

a level of dexterity we're no longer
interested in achieving.

Squishy, you need to continue to mold

your perfectly formed child's body

into the sculpted adult statue

it's destined to become!

No, no, no, I don't!

Coach Mellor popped a massive hernia

lifting the front end
of a Pontiac Sunbird.

Was he trying to save a child?

Apparently, he was trying
to impress a child.

- Been there.
- The giant hole in his insides

means he's out
for the rest of the year,

and Principal Ball decided
it's not worth replacing him.

So P.E. has turned into rest hour.

No pain, much gain!

Principal Ball made
that kind of decision

without consulting me?

I'm his right hand.

I'm the Hooch to his Turner.

This is wholly unacceptable.

And yet, we're all accepting it
without reflection.

At the holiday party, Principal Ball

told me that he valued my input.

But then he called me Dennis.

No child of mine

is gonna sit around
and become a lazy lump.

Don't bother. He's pretty dug in.

- He tried to make me carry him home.
- No.

I asked you to pull me home in a red
wagon.

Your version makes me look bad.

I'm always pestering Ball
every waking hour

to keep me involved.

Is it possible he's not
responding to that?

Exercise is the heartbeat
of the Goldberg family!

Please, Dad stops and sits
on the way from the couch

to the fridge to break up the trip.

You are not gonna become
your dear but inert father.

John, cue Richard.

You're needed again,
tireless curly-haired oddball.

Left, left and right.
Nope, not gonna happen.

Gaah! Leave me alone!

We're moving! Dave Kim, look away!

Not a chance.

No hustle, no muscle! Knees up!

Whoo!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was April th,
-something,

and Barry was on top of the world,

as was his best friend
and new brother-in-law, Geoff.

There's my bro!

There's my bro!

Isn't it so cool now that
I'm married to your sister,

when I call you "bro,"
it's, like, a fact?

Totally! I used to toss around "bro"

like it meant nothing.

Like when someone gets mad at you

for cutting them off in traffic,

"Enh! The hell, bro?"

Or like when it's a guy you kinda know,

even slept at his house once as a kid,

but you can't remember
if his name is Greg or Craig?

- "Hey, bro!"
- No more.

I hereby declare "bro" a sacred term

reserved for our special brotherhood.

And I will always honor that, bro.

Unless I run into Greg/Craig.

His dad lent me boxers
to sleep in once.

I remember his name was Dwayne.

I'd love to keep bro'ing it up,
but I got a thing.

I got a thing, too, bro!

- Bro you later?
- Later, bro.

- Wait. Are you going left here?
- Sure am.

Huh. Me too!

ADULT ADAM: But the same direction

wasn't all these bros had in common.

Suite ?

Wait. Barry, you weren't selected

as a finalist for an internship

with renowned surgeon
Dr. Andrew Solit, were you?

How'd you guess?

- Brothers know.
- Brothers do know.

A summer with Dr. Solit
would look amazing

on a medical-school app.

I heard last year's interns

all got into their first choice,

except one guy who got caught

switching out urine samples
with his own.

- What's the thrill there?
- Coupla bros going

for the same internship.

Well, if you think about it,
bro, it's...

Great. So great... bro.

This is so not great.

Barry and I applied
for the same internship.

So? You'll definitely get it.

Why do you assume that?

I love my brother,

but you have better grades,

you're more responsible,

personable, and you're super cute.

- You really think it's mine?
- I know it, babe.

Look, I love my brother,
but you're smarter,

way more passionate and alpha.

Plus, you're smoking hot in
a way that sneaks up on you.

I do sneak up on you.

- Although...
- Although, what?

Barry's crazy competitive.

There's no way he could handle
losing to you.

But Geoff is so...

Sensitive. Like,

emotionally fragile in a way

that's always alarmed our parents,
neighbors, and rabbi.

If I won, it'd be like the pudding
incident all over again.

We were freshmen.

There was one pudding left
in the cafeteria,

and we both reached for it
at the same time,

and, knowing how he'd react,
I let him have it.

I took what was mine.

With an air of emotional
and physical recklessness

that he couldn't deal with.

Oh, baby, no one can.

He then accuses me of being selfish

'cause I brought my lunch
and he forgot his.

He didn't talk to me for days.

Lunch has always been
Barry's favorite meal.

Right after breakfast, dinner,

and something he calls
"midnight madness."

Maybe things would be different now.

'Cause we're brothers.

Like, real brothers.

It's by marriage, which
is meaningless, but...

a bro is a bro.

He's lived in your jacked
shadow your whole lives.

Maybe there's another
internship out there.

There's gotta be another summer gig.

You're right.

I wouldn't wanna hurt Barry
for anything.

It's the right thing to do.

For family.

- It's what you do for family.
- Proud of you, babe.

I'm so proud of you, hon.

Let's celebrate with you
giving me a foot rub.

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff
and Barry made their minds up

about the summer internship,

my mom was determined

not to take the cancellation
of P.E. sitting down.

How could you, Earl?

This isn't some silly thing

that they're never gonna use
like Spanish.

This is physical education!

Oh. A meeting with a concerned parent.

Was this on the books or impromptu?

Either way, I'm here. We can begin.

We've already begun.

Mrs. Goldberg wants us to rethink

the decision to pull the plug on P.E.

GLASCOTT: I'll handle this.

Beverly, I'm so sorry.

Our personal relationship
notwithstanding,

that ain't gon' happen. (CHUCKLES)

See, you can delegate to me.

A-And she's twisting my arm! Literally!

Earl, as Quaker Warden,

I feel a sense of responsibility

to send these kids out into the world

with healthy habits for life.

That's all great and weird,

but we got no P.E. teacher here.

Then I will personally teach
an exercise class.

- You?
- I was gonna say, "You?"

Based on my relentless input,

Aubrey, who teaches over at
Jenkintown Shape 'n' Sculpt,

has often asked,

"Uh, Beverly, would
you like to lead the class?"

Um, Beverly, it's sadly naive of you

to think that you can
just saunter in here

and appoint yourself to teach P.E.

You know what, Bev?

You've worn me down. Go for it.

On the other hand,
we'll allow it just this once.

I'm gonna teach Jazzercise
to the lazy seniors. Whoo!

ADULT ADAM: The only problem
was, my mom had no idea

just how lazy we'd become.

I never thought P.E. was a class

I'd actually look forward to.

I know.

I finally found a good use
for a badminton racket.

Ahh.

This is why we take the field.

Who's ready to get physical?

Whoo!

Oh, balls.

Goldberg, why does your mom look like

Liza Minnelli ready to take a jog?

Mother, a word?

Schmoo, I told you I was gonna
make you move your body.

She did say that back at home.

We have a personal friendship
outside of these walls.

Anyway, I'm your new P.E. teacher. Yay!

Are you kidding me?

I only have five weeks left in school,

and my social runway's cleared
for a smooth landing.

And now this?

I just think it's important

that children remain active.

Well, I'm not doing it.

Okay. Well, then you're not
gonna get your P.E. credit,

and you're not gonna graduate.

Fine. I'll give up
all my hopes and dreams

before I let my demented mother

make me Jazzercise with my friends.

Actually, I'm gonna call it
"School-ercise."

I don't care what it's called. I'm out.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go lay down

in the hammock I made out of
jump ropes and Nerf balls.

- I guess it's over.
- Oh,

it is far from over.

That's too ominous for a school
setting involving children,

but, hey, I'm along for the ride.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom wasn't
gonna go down without a fight,

Geoff was prepared
to give up his internship

to his number-one bro.

Yo, Brobi-Wan Kenobi.

My man Dominique Bro-ilkins.

Some work better than others.

So, look, I've been thinking.

About that internship with Dr. Solit?

I don't think I'm gonna do it.

Me neither. You've got to.
You're a shoo-in.

If anyone's shoes are in, it's you.

That's not the expression.

Barry, there's no way
I could go for this thing

knowing that you're up for it, too.

There's no way I can go for it
knowing you are.

- Aww.
- So much aww.

So, what're we saying?
That I should do it?

- Do it up.
- Totally. By "do it up,"

does that mean backing out

or not backing out?

It's backing out of backing out.

And I insist, because now
the path is clear.

- The path is clear?
- Exactly.

- For me?
- Uh-huh. My pleasure.

What exactly is your pleasure?

Clearing a path. For you.

Oh. Okay.

- Well, thanks.
- Anytime.

Have fun on your rocket ride,

and remember to mention me

in your speech at
the Medical Hall of Fame.

It's just, I gotta ask, are...

Are you backing out because
you think you'd b*at me?

What? No.

Well, not like b*at b*at,

but I think it's obvious
I'd have a slight edge.

- An edge?
- A slight huge edge.

Wait. Why were you gonna back out?

Because I know I'd get it.

Oh, you know?

Well, what if I got it?

Like how I got the pudding?

I let you have that pudding.

Or I took that pudding

with my indomitable will and brawn.

Or I knew that baby Barry
would throw a tantrum

if he didn't have his Snack Pack.

- Because I'm smarter than you.
- Oh, yeah?

How many fingers
am I holding behind my back?

Is it one and it's the middle?

Mmpf! Don't care.

I'm still getting that internship.

The hell you are, because now
I'm not backing down.

Then it's on. It's on like Donkey Kong.

Isn't Donkey Kong the loser
in that game?

Everyone's the hero of their own story.

Dammit! Find your own way to storm off.

You find your own way to storm off!

ADULT ADAM: As Barry and Geoff
were ready to go to w*r,

I was still riding high
on defeating my mom.

Or so I thought.

Gaah! I mean, "Gah."

Well, hello, Adam.
Or should I say pupil? (CHUCKLES)

Because I am a teacher...

A teacher of the physical arts.

No. You are nothing because you

have no students to instruct.

Au contraire, fruit of my -hour labor.

I have plenty of eager bodies to shape.

In fact, here comes my star scholar now.

Ready for class. Brea, what is this?

I'm School-ercising with your mom.

How did she get to you?

It's our pantry, isn't it?

It's loaded,

and your mom hasn't bought
a bag of chips in years.

- We have chips.
- Yeah, homemade banana chips.

That might as well be deviled eggs.

Adam, I like P.E.

And aerobics seems fun.

That's why Mariel's doing it, too.

I forgot my workout clothes.

Is it cool if I just wear my bikini?

Well, keep all the obvious hot
zones covered, and we're good.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

You know, I'd like to continue
my education in P.E., too.

All are welcome!

(CHUCKLES) Oh, look, Adam,

all your peers want to get
physical with your mama.

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, there was
no version of that phrase

that brought me joy, but to my horror,

with the popular kids on board,

School-ercise was taking off.

We're gonna do some pelvic loops, okay?

Pretend there's a crayon
tied to your hips,

and you're gonna just do big circles.

This is the worst thing that's
ever happened to anyone.

Not you, too, Dave Kim?

Sorry. Mariel's here.

Dave Kim needs this.

Just go.

I never wasn't gonna.

(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

Pretty soon, everyone
will be joining in.

Everyone.

ADULT ADAM: And by "everyone,"
she clearly meant me.

ADULT ADAM: Geoff was determined

to win the internship away from Barry.

Only one problem... Geoff was Geoff.

Oh, thank goodness, strawberry Quik.

I really need to take the edge off.

Well, it's over now, baby.

- The internship's Barry's.
- What?

I'm the superior candidate.
You just said so yourself.

And you are.

But thinking about it,

Barry's got something
that you'll never have.

The irrational, aggressive
intensity of a lunatic.

- But that's a bad thing.
- Most of the time.

But this is a competition,

and the person who's willing
to be the boldest always wins.

- That's not true.
- Isn't it, though?

By the way, I made a reservation
at Bombay Palace tonight.

What? You know I can't eat Indian food.

Their spices are too vibrant for me.

Sorry, bud, Mama's in a hurry
for curry.

My neck is already sweaty,
but it is my husbandly duty.

And point made.

Oh, you were just trying to prove

that I can't stand up for myself?

You folded faster than
the laundry I make you do.

How do I win this internship?

There's only one way, out-Barry Barry.

Done. I will be the most
irrational, confrontational,

not-so-nice fella
the world has ever known.

You're in the game, kid.

Yes! And even better, I don't have
to eat Indian food.

Nah, grab your jacket.

That little scenario gave me
a taste for tandoori.

ADULT ADAM: And so Geoff
harnessed his inner Barry.

Gentlemen, while the internship
is mostly clerical,

I expect you to have basic knowledge

of medicine at your fingertips.

My fingers are jacked.
Surgeon's hands, yo!

Playing God with my mitts!

O-kay.

Mr. Goldberg, question...

What are red blood cells shaped like?

Doughnuts! They're
shaped like doughnuts.

(CHUCKLES) Cream-filled.
Maple bacon. Glazed.

- Cake for breakfast, y'all.
- Huh.

- What are you doing?
- While that is basically correct,

I have to say the ensuing outburst

was embarrassing, at best.

You said best. And that's what I am.

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-best!

I'm just gonna continue
heading this way.

What are you doing, dude?

Say hello to Dr. Big Tasty, MD.

That's right, I've taken your rap name,

just like I'm taking this internship.

Well, good luck,
fellow qualified candidate.

What's going on?
Why are you being so gracious

and not attacking me
with words and fists?

I had a little chat with Joanne,

and she suggested there's no way I'd win

'cause you're too nice,
so I'm out-Geoffing you.

Y-You can't out-me me.
I'm out-youing you.

I don't know where you got
that terrible idea, but...

neat-o mosquito.

- Is that supposed to be me?
- Yeppers.

Oh, no. You're disarmingly innocent.

Wait! Dr. Solit!

I'm the kinda guy who says "yeppers."

ADULT ADAM: While Geoff
was losing ground to Barry,

my mom's aerobics class was
taking the school by storm.

Wow.

You look like Alyssa Milano
in Teen Steam.

I only know that
because Barry rented it.

We watched it in dead silence
and went our separate ways.

Ignoring all that.
Your mom is teaching during lunch

- since the other class filled up.
- Neat.

Now none of my peers have to miss out

on watching her glisten
like Kathleen Turner

in the erotic thriller Body Heat.

- Barry rented that, too.
- I get it. She's your mom.

But to the rest of us, she's just
this fun, hilarious lady

who, honestly, really knows
how to move her body.

You did it. It's all okay now.

Come on. The entire senior class
is having a blast.

I admit, when I stare through
the gym-door window in horror,

everyone does look kinda sorta happy.

Because we are.

Give it a try. Please?

For me? Let's get to the gym.

ADULT ADAM: Who was I to argue
with my girlfriend in a leotard?

So I suited up and gave
School-ercise a sh*t.

Your thighs, neck, and tushy want this.

What does that even mean?

Come on. Just go with it.

I took Brea's advice,
and to my surprise,

grooving with my mom wasn't that bad.

(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm feeling loose. How 'bout you guys?

- Until this.
- (FARTS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Yep, in a high school career

filled with embarrassing moments,

this one topped them all.

And not just for me.

As my day couldn't have
gotten any worse,

Geoff's stunk, as well.

There you are.

Your advice was terrible.

I was rude and obnoxious,
and Barry was a saint.

Hello, my dear and loving husband.

- How are you today?
- No pleasantries.

I am reeling here.

And not to mention, the Indian
food is not sitting well.

The bus trip home was a white-knuckler.

Okay. We'll figure this out.

What's there to figure?

I'm doomed to be a beloved
but average country doctor

who treats his simple patients
with folksy wisdom.

Your worst-case scenarios
are always so charming.

But this isn't over.

We can still hit Barry back.

How? He's stolen my delightful persona.

He said that laughter
was the best medicine

and then gave everyone several doses.

We'll just force the real
Barry out of him

with the one thing that he can't resist.

All the buttons in an elevator?

His incredibly fragile ego.

ADULT ADAM: Erica was right.

If there was one thing
Barry hated the most,

it was someone else being the best.

Dr. Solit says he'll join us

as soon as he wraps up with a patient.

- Thanks, Raj.
- Say, Raj,

I understand that you're
a world-class fencer?

Not world-class, but...

I did do it for a few
years in high school.

Wow. Well, that would
definitely make you

the best person
with a sword around here.

- Wouldn't you say, Bar?
- I don't know about that.

No, no. Raj is the best. Clearly.

Even with a katana,
which is the blade of a ninja.

Samurai.

I'm sorry. Did you say something?

Because this is all about Raj

and how he dominates with all
hand-to-hand combat weapons.

That's an exaggeration...

Oh, and so humble despite
your clear top-dog status.

I challenge you, Raj.

Cage match or elimination chamber?

Those are the same thing,
and, no, Barry.

Raj is clearly
the exceptional bladesman.

Falsehood! Choose your w*apon.

I was just hoping to enjoy
this three-bean stew.

Raj chooses bread.

Take your garde.

Yeah, I refuse on the grounds
that this is incredibly stupid.

Ouch, Bar. Are you just gonna
let Raj talk to you that way?

Never!

Please don't. You're
getting crumbs on my jacket.

What is happening right now?

I'll field this one.

Barry is emotionally out-of-control

and att*cked Raj with bread.

Raj goaded me into it

by having limited success in his past.

Okay, I'm ready to pick my intern.

I-It's Raj. Come with me.

Huh.

Well, that didn't go the
way I thought it would.

What the hell, dude?

You let me make a fool of myself!

You did the same thing to me.
I hope you're happy.

Why would I be happy?

I didn't get the thing I wanted!

Well, I didn't get it, either.

Then you should storm off.

You storm off. I have food here.

I have food here, too.

God!

ADULT ADAM: While Barry and Geoff

were feeling less than brotherly,

I had some familial issues of my own.

Uh, hey, so, what's the word
in the hallway, homebody?

Has my, uh,

- little aerobic miscue blown over?
- Miscue?

Half the senior class
heard your two-cheek squeak.

This thing has legs!

Oh, my God.

I only have a few weeks left
at this school,

and you just couldn't help
but embarrass me?

You think this is how
I want to be remembered?

It's how you should be remembered,

as a complete embarrassment
to your children,

family, and community.

Is your mom hiding
in the custodial closet?

Right by the lemon Pledge
and a little chair by a radio.

She must feel terrible.

Yeah, she's acting like
she's more embarrassed than me.

Well, you're not the one
who canoonerred.

- It's my family's word for it.
- Adorable,

but Beverly Goldberg's public explosions

are nobody's fault but hers.

Maybe you could at least be sympathetic

to the woman who tries
to give you everything?

Hmm, let me think about it.

- No.
- Adam,

all she wanted was
for you to be healthy.

- Just like I do.
- You care about me that much?

Almost as much as she does.

So you'll make it right?

I'll consider it, but I need a day.

ADULT ADAM: Or possibly
the rest of my life.

ADULT ADAM: Even though my mom had

committed the ultimate embarrassment,

the school day rolled right on.

It's Bike Safety Week, seniors!

Although most of you drive cars

and stopped learning things weeks ago,

let us not forget
our two-wheeled friends.

Right. "Bicyclist" is just "friend"

spelled with many different letters.

Thank you, Principal Ball,

for scheduling this emergency meeting

so that we can talk about
what happened yesterday.

cr*ck att*ck!

Thunder from Down Under.

- (COUGHS) Colon bowlin'.
- (LAUGHTER)

Stop! We are not replacing Bike Week

to have a discussion about
a faculty member's flatulence.

I see.

Well, I guess my time here really

has come to an end.

I'm sorry it ended this way.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out I didn't
want it to end this way, either.

Wait. Mom...

You made gym, a class I normally

hate, into something fun.

And not just for me

but for all the students here.

(STUDENTS MURMURING)

Why should one horrible,
life-scarring moment

mean your time is done?

Last week, my glasses
fell into the toilet,

and I couldn't fish them out,

which meant, a whole day of...

(STUDENTS EXCLAIM)

I mean, who here hasn't done
something embarrassing?

I barfed on seventh-grade picture day,

and they made me wear the only
T-shirt in the lost and found.

So for the rest of the year,
I had a new nickname...

(BLEEP) Last Resort.

I may have once kissed the TV
when Wonder Woman was on.

Also, it was more than once.

I got one.

I once paid my girlfriend's rent
in Florida for an entire year,

even though I knew she was cohabitating

with our dog groomer.

They went to St. Maarten for a vacation.

I paid for that, too.

I agree with young Goldberg.
We all make mistakes.

Like Bike Week.

Why was this a good idea?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Adam.

So you're not embarrassed of me?

Always.

But I can't have you being
embarrassed of yourself.

You're Beverly Goldberg.

(ROY ORBISON'S YOU GOT IT PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM: As my mom cleared the air,

tensions still lingered
between Barry and Geoff.

What? No. I'm not going anywhere he is.

Good. 'Cause there's a huge
world out there for you to explore,

most of which doesn't have me in it.

But stay away from Australia
and the Americas.

Guys, stop.

Joanne and I talked about it,
and we're to blame, as well.

It's true.

We should've just encouraged
you to be yourselves.

You're brothers. You'd do
anything for each other.

Even giving up something
that you want more

than anything in the world.

I really did want you to get it.

- Me too.
- ♪ Anything you need, you got it... ♪

Bro.

- Bro.
- ♪ Anything at all...

ADULT ADAM: That's the thing
about family.

Sometimes there can be disagreements,

even embarrassments,

but eventually,

if you find yourselves in step
with the people you love,

there's no telling

the great places you might go.

♪ Baby, you got it ♪

ADAM: I've added some sound
effects to old home movies.

- (FARTS)
- Stop videotaping!

Adam, what the hell?
I'm gonna crimp your face!

(FARTS)

- I quit!
- (FARTING RAPIDLY)

We're called the Dropouts because...

- We dropped out of college.
- (FARTS)

(FARTING)

(ALL FARTING)

Ha! Classic bathroom humor
never disappoints, am I right?

When it's classy.