05x16 - I Won’t Let You Clown

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Matteo!

Did you hear that Lou's
been letting me stay here

when my mom works nights?

Yeah, I heard you
were in Gwen's old bed.

I think we found all the
booby traps she left behind.

But just in case,

try not to toss and turn.

Well, I wanna repay Lou

by being the camp superhero,

and I need your help.

Sure. Anything.

Teach me Jujutsu.

Anything but that.

Come on. I need you to train me.

I heard you were a Jujutsu master.

That's not true.

I'm a fourth degree master.

But I don't do Jujutsu anymore.

Please. I really need to
up my superhero game.

You know, I do have
other areas of expertise

that might be useful in
your superhero endeavors.

Like... science.

That sounds like...

homework.

If you didn't wanna help me, fine.

And to think I was gonna
make you my sidekick.

Parker, Noah, I need your help.

Oh, no. What did Finn do this time?

Shall I grab the mop
or the tranquilizer darts?

Or both? It's always both.

It's not Finn... for once.

There's a contest going on

down at the Moose Rump
bait shop in Popcorn Emporium

and the owner is giving away a boat.

A bait slash popcorn store

is doing so well they
can give away a boat,

but my air conditioned
hat store failed?

Not cool.

Just like my highly flammable hats.

Winning a boat would be great

since our old one is a goner.

Yeah. Duct tape and gum

could only keep her
seaworthy for so long.

Noah, I have high hopes

that you can win that boat for us.

[CLEARS THROAT] What about me?

Much lower hope.

But I couldn't enter
Noah in the contest

without adult supervision,

so keep up the good
work of being or older.

Come on. Why don't you
think I can win the boat?

Name one reason.

Okay, well, let's see, um... [GASPS]

How about every single thing

you've said or done
since you arrived at camp?

Okay. Name two reasons.

[WHISTLES]

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka!

Hey, Lou, a friend of mine
wants to come visit today.

Is that okay? You can say no.

I don't wanna put you on the spot.

[GASPS] I did, didn't I?

I'll tell her she can't
come. Thanks, Lou.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Of course, she can come.

Why are you being so weird?

[SIGHS] It's just...

Claire and I both grew
up in clown families

that worked for the
same traveling circus.

Claire is still in it.

They're actually nearby in Mooseface.

What? Mooseface
gets all the cool stuff.

First, they teach a dog how to drive

and now this?

Claire and I used to
have our clown act.

Our job was to distract the audience

when one of the Flying Zambolies

fell off the trapeze.

Which happened a lot.

Grandpa Zambolie
had very sweaty palms.

She sounds great.

Why would you think I
wouldn't want her to visit?

Because when I tell
you she's into clowning...

[HORN BLOWS]

Howdy, y'all. Who's
ready to get silly?

I mean, she's very into clowning.

Oh, yay! A clown.

Let me know when
your friend gets here.

Hey, Nadine!

Talk to the cape, mister.

Listen, I understand the
superhero stuff is important to you,

and I really think science can help.

[GRUNTS ANNOYINGLY] Name
one thing science has ever helped.

One thing?

Cool down, Matteo.

You promised you'd never
talk about science angry.

You know what I mean?

Science can't help me be a superhero.

Are you sure?

Because I used it to make... this.

Ooh!

Matteo away!

Whoo!

Whoa! Teach me
your ways, Mr. Science.

MATTEO: Mr. Science
forgot he's afraid of heights!

Okay, here are your name tags

and wear these gloves.

Once the contest starts,

you have to place
one hand on the boat

and don't take it off until
you're the last one standing.

What are the gloves for?

Well, this boat was in
the Moose Rump River.

It protects you from
getting Rump River rash.

But just in case,

if your left cheek starts tingling,

it's probably too late.

Wait. All I have to do
is hold onto this boat

longer than anybody else?

And you don't think I
can manage that? Pfft!

I'll show you.

This hand won't budge from this boat

till it's yours, Lou.

Sure it won't. [CHUCKLES]

Oh. Bye, guys.

Bye, Lou.

I'm waving with my not
budging boat hand, aren't I?

Yeah, good luck.

I feel good about this.

None of these people
seem like much of a thr*at.

Hi, you loser.

[SHOUTING] Barb!

So Kikiwaka's here, huh?

I hope you don't
expect to win this boat

for your sorry camp, Nolan.

It's Noah.

I know, but those are
the type of mind games

you can expect from me all day long.

Why are you even here?

Camp Champion already
has a fleet of boats.

Yeah, but we need a crummy boat

to sink with our new cannon. Duh!

Noah, who is this intense,
confrontational woman?

I'm Barb Barca,

director of Camp
Champion and... Hold up.

You're Parker Preston
of the Canadian Prestons.

Sure I am. Well, formerly
of the Canadian Prestons.

Currently of the loud
American Kikiwakas.

You're working for Lou? Why?

Sorry. I didn't mean for it
to come out that way. Why?

Because Lou runs a camp

where kids are nurtured
with fun and caring.

[RETCHES] Gross.

Well, however it happened,

I hope Lou realizes how
lucky she is to have a Preston

involved with her camp.

That's what I said.

Maybe a Preston can actually

help her level that dump up.

That's also what I said.

Well, not the dump part.

But if we're being honest...

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, do not giggle with her.

Well, I gotta sign in.

Nice to meet you, Parker.

Nolan.

Ah, she is nice.

No, she is not.

She's our own personal Iago.

-Who?
-She's bad news.

Read some Shakespeare, man.

[HORN BLARES]

And so it begins.

Is it bad I already have
to go to the bathroom?

Whipped cream all over her face.

And that's the story of how
Destiny threw a pie at me

but accidentally hit the
world's oldest woman!

She was at the circus.
She knew the risks.

Destiny, I can't believe
all the super cool,

embarrassing things
you and Claire did.

Yes, well, enough reminiscing.

Now that you're here, I
wanna show you all the fun stuff

we do at camp.

Wanna go for a nature hike?

Ooh! A hike in the woods?

That sounds dangerous.

We might run into some...

snakes! [LAUGHS]

Again. Again.

Uh... I know. We could go

for a swim in the lake instead.

You want me to go
for a swim? In this?

I'll sink right to the bottom.

Clearly, I thought you would
take off all the clown gear.

What fun is that?

You never need less clown.
You always need more clown.

Which is why you should...

I know what you're thinking.

But I don't have my
clown stuff at camp.

Oh, drats.

Actually, I think Lou
held on to the stuff

you and Gwen used in your
clown show last summer.

Thanks, Finn.

[MUFFLED] You're welcome, Destiny.

Why are we talking like this?

So let's get you clowned up.

Oh, I don't know.

Come on, D. Just
like old times, please.

Who's ready to get silly?

Okay. This is a smokescreen capsule.

Throw it down to break the container

and it releases a smoky gas

that allows you to
escape any situation.

And this capsule

releases a knockout gas that

can harmlessly subdue an enemy.

Look at you, Science.

You tricky little scamp.

Matteo, why did Candace just tell me

she had to cut you down
from the mess hall rafters?

You weren't using your
grappling g*n again, were you?

Uh...

Don't worry. I got you.

Smokescreen.

Uh, that's the knockout...

Why do I come in here?

Man, it's been hours, and no
one looks like they're ready to drop.

I got an idea of how
to get rid of some

of these backwoods yokels.

No offense, Bob.

But it is rude to eavesdrop, Bob.

All right. Let's try
something to pass the time.

Okay. We can roast Nolan.

It's Noah!

I'm so in your head.

How about we all try a
little dance I cooked up?

We can do it right next to the boat.

Everyone follow along.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Let's do a dance from me to you

♪ Look, it's the Parker, but part two

♪ First everybody find a b*at

♪ Then boys and girls stomp your feet

♪ Swing your hips round and round

♪ Then shimmy those feet up and down

♪ If you're like me
and you hate to stand

♪ Come on, everybody

♪ Clap your hands!

And stop.

If you clapped, you lost.

Bye-bye. Get out of here.

But also check out my music online.

Way to go, Parker.

You just eliminated
half the competition.

Impressive.

Finally, someone from Camp Kikiwaka

who isn't a stinking dud.

-[LAUGHS] Thanks, Barb.
-Parker!

I mean, watch what you say
about Kikiwaka, but thanks.

Wow! What's going on here?

Just having fun with Claire.

It's like the old clown saying,

"If you can't be them,
honk, honk, slide whistle."

Clowns aren't known for wordplay.

We just came from the archery range.

You guys sh*t arrows
dressed like that?

Well, we didn't use
arrows, we used pies.

And we didn't use targets...

we used...

This day couldn't get any better.

And later, we're putting whoopee
cushions all around camp.

I stand corrected.

Destiny. Any plans to do normal
camp things during Claire's visit?

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Why
would we? I'm having the best time!

I don't know why my voice is so high.

I know what we should do next.

Let's find something fun to juggle!

Wait for me.

I know where Luke
keeps the chain saws.

Why didn't I just stay unconscious?

Since chemistry didn't work out,

I thought this ultrasonic pulsar

might be useful for a superhero.

Cool. Where do the lasers sh**t out?

There are no lasers.

Next.

No. Listen.

This emits a high frequency tone

that can incapacitate your enemies.

Except this time, you're going
to learn everything about it

before you use it.

Now, let's begin.

And that concludes chapter
seven, setting the date and time.

All right, can I use it now?

Oh, no, no, no, no. We're
just taking a pop quiz break.

So, pop on over to my cabin
and grab your quiz. [GIGGLES]

Who says learning can't be fun?

[HIGH-PITCHED WHINING][BOTH GROANING]

No.

[WHINING STOPS] Yeah. [PANTING]

Nadine!

The manual said to never
turn the pulsar all the way up.

Sorry. I must have zoned out by then.

It was on page one.

We're done here.

Clearly, you aren't
ready to handle science.

You have zero discipline.

Now, please turn me in
the direction of my cabin.

I can't see anything,
but I'm ready to storm off.

Thank you.

We're close, I can feel it.

I hope you're right.
I'm getting shaky legs.

Humans weren't meant to
survive this long without chairs.

I think I can speed this along.

Hey, Bob. Is this your family?

You have two great daughters.

But it looks like you're
missing Jackie's swim meet

and Liv's basketball game.

Your girls need you,

and you can't walk a
boat down the aisle, Bob.

[LAUGHS] All Bob wins
is the love of his children.

Sucker!

Wow, Barb. Nice work.

At this rate, it will be down
to me versus you in no time.

Yeah. Too bad, though.

We make a great team,
but the two best competitors

were bound to face off eventually.

I'm standing right here.

I'm sorry, Noah. I just
really want to be the one

to win this boat for Lou,
so that I can prove to her

that I can do great
things for this camp.

Wow.

Sounds like Lou
doesn't appreciate you.

Oh, that's not true.
Just the other day,

she said, "I'd appreciate you
leaving me alone right now."

Yeah, I guess that doesn't count.

Listen, Parker, if you're
unhappy at Camp Kikiwaka,

I'm actually looking for a
new assistant camp director.

No chance, Barb.

We laugh at the
ridiculous offer. Ha-ha-ha.

Laugh at the offer with me, Parker.

Ha-ha-ha.

But just to be clear, am I laughing
at a camp with an omelet bar?

Two.

I'll be covering arts and
crafts on Ava's day off.

So if your projects
don't come out great,

expect lesser judgment and
more "fudgement." [CHUCKLES]

Just to be clear, I was trying to
mash together fun and judgment.

There will be no fudge.

Whoo-hoo!

Hip hip hooray! Hi![BICYCLE
HORN HONKING]

Oh. I see the clown thing
is still happening. Cool, cool.

If you guys are gonna be here,
can you please take a seat?

Sure thing.

Where do you want me to take it?

Tough crowd.

On your tables are all the
supplies to make mobiles.

You'll need two
hangers, yarn, beads...

[IMITATES SNEEZING]

[LAUGHTER]

Feathers.

Golly gee!

You need a hanky.

Or two, or three, or a million.

"Buy the camp," the Rosses
said. "It will be fun," they said.

Hey, hoobly dooblies!

[HONKING]

Oh, dear heavens, it's contagious.

Nice juggling.

You are on fire!

I better get something
to put her out.

Okay. Okay, that's it.

We've had our fun. Let's
get back to making mobile...

This ought to put out that fire.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Destiny.

We'll see ourselves out.

[FARTING]

I forgot I put this here.

Is Claire in here?

No. She's filling
up a seltzer bottle.

You may wanna carry
an umbrella today.

What is going on with you, Destiny?

You ruined arts and crafts.

Plus, you're bringing
out the worst in Finn

and nobody needs Finn's worst.

I'm so sorry, Lou.

It's just Claire was
having so much fun.

Are you having fun?

I thought you didn't even
like clowning anymore.

But Claire does.

So we always end up doing
clown stuff when we get together.

Maybe because...

it's the only thing we
ever had in common.

Oh, Destiny.

I think it's time we
had a little heart to...

[FART]

Touche, Finn.

Come on, talk to me.

Claire was my first best friend.

When my family left the circus
and I had to say bye to her,

it crushed me.

This is how we reconnect.

And if I don't clown,

maybe Claire won't wanna
be my friend anymore.

But this isn't you, Destiny.

If you have to pretend
to be a different person

for someone, that
isn't a true friendship.

You're right.

I should talk to Claire.

You should.

Then please talk to Finn.

He's still clowning around camp,

and now he's making
balloon animals for everyone.

The only thing is, he doesn't know

you have to blow them up first.

This was supposed to be a giraffe.

♪ Sixty-two bottles of rejuvenating
hand cream on the wall ♪

♪ Sixty-two bottles...

Parker. Shh. Look.

[SNORING]

Yes. Now it's down to two on one.

But which camp has two?

Parker? Did you decide
anything about my offer yet?

You wanna be a Champion?

Well...

Parker.

You can't seriously
be considering this.

Everyone at Camp Kikiwaka loves you.

I'm sorry you feel like
Lou doesn't appreciate you,

and I know being a Preston probably
means you didn't have to earn a lot,

but the Prestons
also sent you packing.

Lou's been there for you.

Noah, I'm sorry.

It's just been too hard
trying to earn Lou's respect.

Barb gets me.

Barb, if that assistant camp
director job is still open...

It is. I've literally been standing
next to you all day not filling it.

Then I'd appreciate a position
where I feel appreciated.

Deal?

Actually, no deal. [LAUGHS]

What?

I just wanted you
to let go of the boat,

so that Noah would win. Bye-bye.

I win?

I win!

But most importantly, Barb loses.

Huh. Barb lost to Nolan. Wait, Noah.

Stupid mind games.

I really do appreciate the offer,
Barb, but I'm happy where I'm at.

Sorry, I had to be so deceitful.

Shh! Hush, my Canadian prince.

Never apologize for
such an admirable trait.

I look forward to
destroying you one day.

See ya, chumps.

You didn't really think I'd
take Barb's offer, did you?

Not for a second.

Actually, for a lot of seconds.

Are you re-reading the pulsar manual?

What can I say? It's a page turner.

This appendix is suspenseful.

I'm sorry, Matteo.

I know I messed up.

I just got so excited when you
showed me all those neat things.

Yeah. Science can really
get the blood pumping.

But those neat things
aren't the answer.

There is something
more important you need

if you wanna become a good superhero.

Childhood trauma?

No. Discipline.

And the best way to
teach you discipline is...

And I can't believe
I'm going to say this.

With Jujutsu.

You're finally going to
teach me how to kick butt?

More importantly,

I'm going to teach you the
discipline to not kick butt.

And once you have discipline,
you can use it as a foundation

to become a superhero or a scientist,

or even just a kid who
doesn't accidentally

knock her friends unconscious.

I understand. And I'm ready.

Good.

And remember,

with great power comes
great responsibility.

Whoa.

Did you just make that up?

Yes.

Where's your clown gear?

Those pants don't look
very seltzer friendly!

Yeah, about that...

The thing is, I don't really
like clowning anymore.

I haven't for a while.

I just do it so we'll
have fun together.

Wait, you don't have fun with me?

I do! Just in spite of the clowning.

The truth is,

I always hoped that our friendship

will grow into other
things, like I did.

But I can't keep pretending,

even if it means you don't
want to be friends anymore.

Destiny.

This goes against
everything I believe in.

But...

don't be silly.

Really?

Sure, we were both clowns.

But that's not why you're my friend.

You're a smart, caring person

and you're fun, with or
without the rainbow wig.

So you'd be cool

if we took a break
from all this clown stuff?

Of course.

And, you know,

I'm into other things
besides clowning, too.

I'm also into fire
eating, tightrope walking,

and on the weekend...

getting sh*t out of a cannon.

Yep, you've really branched out.

I should've just talked
about all this a long time ago.

From now on, let's always
be honest with each other.

Agreed.

Can you give me a second?

I need to do something for Lou.

Finn, we really need to talk.

[FARTING]

I will be so glad

when all those whoopee
cushions are out of camp.

That wasn't a whoopee cushion.