05x18 - Camp Creepy-Waka

[bunniefuu]

Scary story night is one of Camp
Kikiwaka's most popular activities.

Much more popular than
Guess the Gravy Night.

Although both will give
you some weird dreams.

I can't wait to scare
everyone with my story.

[GASPS] Let me guess.

It's a frightening tale about
your hot tub breaking down.

I said scare them, not traumatize
them, Lou. They're children.

Speaking of scared children, did you convince
Matteo to join us for scary story night?

Nah, he said he's still recovering from the
excitement of Mildly Amusing Story Night.

Okay, well, we have a roaring
fire, s'mores a beautiful night,

now all we need is something that
will really spook everyone to their core.

Hiya, losers!

Shoulda been more specific.

I got beef with you Hockhauser.

Oh, that's good, 'cause
this camp never serves beef.

That's what makes the chunks
in the gravy so mysterious.

What are you mad about this time, Barb?

You stole another Camp
Champion camper from me.

I didn't steal them, they
came to me on their own.

Josh's nightmares about
sports have finally stopped.

If he didn't want to
play Flaming Dodgeball,

he should have gotten
a note from his parents!

Or signed up for Sting-Pong.
The bees go easy on newcomers.

Don't you guys have any normal
sports over there? Like badminton?

Yeah, we have Flaming Badminton.

Something not flaming?

I've already lost three
kids to you this summer.

If you're going to continue
to steal my campers,

then maybe I'll just steal your...

Parker!

As you recall, Barb, I can't be stolen.

I can, however, be
rented for birthday parties.

Fine.

One of these days,
I'm going to figure out

how you're turning my campers against me.

Or my name isn't Barbzilla Barca!

Barb is short for Barbzilla?

I had it legally changed to
something that would strike

fear into the heart of all mankind.

Also, I lost a bet.

There's nothing to find out, Barb.

Camp Kikiwaka is just a
pleasant, happy place to be!

[CAMPERS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Usually.

[WHISTLES]

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

[CAMPERS CLAMORING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on?

Noah and Finn, you first.

Finn keeps stuffing his
dirty clothes under the bed.

Now the whole cabin
smells like old cheese.

Only because it's also
where I keep my old cheese.

Finn, I agree with Noah.

You need to start putting your dirty clothes
in the hamper and actually washing them.

Stop holding me up to a
ridiculously high standard!

I'm not the queen!

Yet.

Okay, let's put a pin in that.

What is your problem?

Destiny has, yet again,

planned our entire weekend around
another big environmental activity.

I don't want to sort and
recycle old electronics.

I just want to chill
on a Sunday for once.

How can you chill when
global warming exists?

Easy. It's called a book, an
iced tea, and a kiddie pool.

Get into it.

[ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, okay. That's it. Everybody sit.

Now, stay.

Good campers.

We'll talk about all of this later.

Right now, we're going to
have the time of our lives

scaring each other or so help
me I will turn this car around.

Sorry, I slipped into "Road
Trip Dad" there for a second.

And no stopping for food. I
brought us all healthy snacks.

I got your back. I'm "Road Trip Mom."

Right. Now who wants
to kick everything off?

Finn, you're up.

Of course you pick Finn. Camp
is always about the campers.

This is a story so scary,

you'll be afraid to go back to
your cabins at the end of the night.

And not just because of
your meany-pants counselor.

Hey!

That's right. I'm going there. Buckle up.

There once was a meany-pants counselor,

who was upset at his camper
for not doing his laundry.

Dang it, Finn! I'm so upset with
you for not doing your laundry.

Okay, Noah.

You know that bed did not just
eat those clothes. That can't be real.

[ROARING]

I can smell the burp.

It's so real!

Finn! There's something under
your bed that eats your dirty clothes.

Yeah. That's the Clothes Monster.

Of course it is. Do tell.

I leave my clothes on the floor as a
sacrifice to him, so he doesn't eat us.

Okay, but what exactly
is a Clothes Monster?

Uh, it's a monster made of clothes.

Duh!

Aren't you in high school?

Why do you keep saying crazy
things like they're not crazy?

Okay, we need a plan.

We have to offer something
so disgusting, so gross,

that it can't resist showing
itself so we can trap it.

Ooh!

I have a pair of underwear that hasn't
been washed since Obama was president.

That sounds perfect.

And also, what is wrong with you?

Okay, so, remember, when we lure the
monster out with your dirty underwear...

Oh! I brought a sock instead. The underwear
disintegrated when I tried to pick it up.

Oh! Good.

So, that's in the air we breathe now.

Anyway, you throw this basket
over it to trap the monster,

and I'll keep squirting laundry
detergent at it until it stops moving.

Is that how you defeat a Clothes Monster?

I don't know, Finn!
And I don't appreciate

that your freaky knowledge stops here!

Okay. The trap is set.

Huh! Maybe even clothes
monster have their limits.

The monster has it.

Pull.

It's so strong.

I fed it well.

I think it also got into my cheese.

Aw, man, it didn't work

Ha! I'll bet that scaredy cat monster

is too terrified to come out and face us!

We showed him who's boss.

He's right behind me, isn't he?

[ROARS]

Whoa!

I just made some more dirty laundry.

I think we're gonna need a bigger basket.

You got this, right?

[ROARING]

I don't got this.

I don't got this.

I don't got this.

DESTINY: Finn! Finn!

Finn!

Your story is about dirty clothes?

Laundry isn't scary.

Unless you accidently put
your cashmere in the dryer.

[GASPING]

Okay. I understand now.

Guys, let's give Finn a break.
We're all scared of something.

For me, it's mortality and the
endless void. But dirty pants

are scary too.

Laundry's always made me anxious.

That's why I put off doing it.

Maybe because the mess has
gotten so big you feel overwhelmed.

That's true.

I barely remember what it's
like to be just medium-whelmed.

Then you have to stop avoiding it.

The bigger the mess gets, the more
it feels like it's out of your control.

That sorta makes sense.

I guess I just don't know where to start.

It's all about tackling big
problems by starting small,

and taking it one step at a time.

You're not alone. I'll help you.

Sure you won't run away screaming again?

That was Story-Noah.

Mmm, Story-Noah screams
a little bit like Real-Noah.

Thanks.

I feel better now.

Me too.

How about now?[SCREAMING]

Yup. I see it now. Classic Noah.

What are you doing?

Spying on you all. Duh!

I need to find out what it is about
Kikiwaka that keeps lurking my campers away.

It's definitely not
from your blah stories.

What's next? A Dishwasher Demon?

Ha, shows what you know.
We can't afford a dishwasher!

Not exactly going down in
the Comeback hall of fame.

So, how do you do it, Lou?

Are you offering kids money?

Scholarships? [GASPS]

Did you finally figure out how to make
a flaming miniature golf course work?

Because I cannot cr*ck that. I
keep burning down the windmill.

If you wanna see what's
so great about Kikiwaka,

then you should stick
around for scary story night.

Ugh! No way.

We'll be scaring children.

Ooh, don't mind if I do.

Okay. Who's up?

Me.

A werewolf creeps slowly...

Ooh! I'll go next

Back in the queue!

Okay, everyone, this is a story
about treachery and betrayal.

This better not be about me.

Not everything is about you, Ava.

This is about somebody named...

Mava.

Oh, come on.

[SHUSHES]

Ava, I wanna hear what Mava did wrong.

She sounds like a treacherous betrayer.

It begins one day with the camper
and counselor sorting old electronics.

I can't believe I have to spend my
chill Sunday sorting old electronics!

Yeah, my voiceover just said that.

Come on, let's try putting
these into two piles.

If they still work, they can be donated.

If they don't work, they can be recycled.

And if they don't work
and complain nonstop,

well then they can be
counselors of Woodchuck Cabin.

Hey!

But also, sick burn.

What is this?

That's an old ham radio.

It's a communication device
used to talk to other people

around the world who
also have ham radios.

And how do you know so much about them?

My mom had one.

She liked to complain about me
and my brothers to people in Norway.

She only knew one phrase in Norwegian.

[SPEAKING NORWEGIAN]

Which loosely translates
to "My kids really bug."

Let's find out if the radio still works.

It's probably broken. Just
toss it in the recycle pile.

Now, what should I do with
this weird tub of grated cheese?

Uh...

That's an old foot spa.

And that's not cheese.

Yup. I'm done here.

Mava, come back. We are not...

MAN ON RADIO: Mayday. Mayday.

Is anyone listening? It's an emergency.

Hello? I'm here, mysterious,

yet familiar voice.

What's wrong?

Aliens are attacking Moose Rump!

Aliens?

Like from outer space?

No. Aliens from Scottsdale.

Sorry, I don't mean to be snippy,

they're trying to destroy the
Earth and it's very stressful here.

Oh, no. They're...

Hello?

I think I owe my weird aunt
with the tinfoil hat an apology.

I'm telling you.

I talked to someone who said that
Moose Rump was being att*cked by aliens.

I'm sure whoever you heard
was just messing with you.

My mom used to get pranked all the time,

granted it was me using
our neighbor's ham radio.

I have a great Norwegian accent.

MAN ON RADIO: Hello.

Hello, are you there?

Yes, I'm here.

Oh, thank goodness.

I had to find another hiding place.

The aliens found me.

[BANGING ON RADIO]

Oh, again.

Wow, I'm terrible at hiding.

See, aliens are attacking.

[LASERS f*ring]

And they brought freeze rays.

These aliens are really
starting to level up.

Wait a minute. Level up?

That voice sounds really familiar.

Parker, is that you?

It's me, Ava.

I mean, Mava.

PARKER: Yes! Mava, help.

I drove my RV into town

to get a burrito and extra jalapenos,

and then these aliens
started blasting everyone.

Plus, my burrito has only

the standard amount of jalapenos.

Society is falling apart!

Well, that confirms it.

Congratulations, Destiny,

you have been pranked by Parker.

No, this doesn't feel like a prank.

Parker sounds really scared.

PARKER: You guys have to
run. They're coming your way.

No, alien, please don't blast me!

At least let me eat the rest of my bur...

[LASERS f*ring]

Did you hear that?

Aliens got Parker.

This is real and you
need to take it seriously

and help me.

You're right. I should take it seriously.

Thank you.

I seriously think

you should stop using this dumb radio.

-You're taking it?
-Yes.

Aliens or no aliens,

your ae falling into a
dangerously dorky hobby.

But, what are we going to do...

It was a prank, Destiny.

The jalapenos on the
burrito gave it away.

Everybody knows you only put jalapenos

on a chimichanga.

Is that a thing?

Everybody run. We have to hide!

Which is it, run or hide? Pick a lane.

Parker was in Moose Rump,

getting a burrito with extra jalapenos,

and aliens froze him.

Now, they're coming this way.

What? I can't believe this.

Everyone knows you put
jalapenos on a chimichanga.

Okay, but the aliens.

What are we going to do?

They're getting closer as we speak.

I knew this day would come.

Don't worry, I've fought
these aliens before.

Their weakness...[LASER FIRES]

No!

You're too late, Destiny.

Mava?

You're an alien?

How do you humanoids say it?

Duh-doy.

No earthling could
have curls this glorious.

Fools!

This can't be.

Lou said you checked the box

for human on your counselor application.

[GASPS]

Does this mean

you're not CPR certified either?

Why would an alien want to help you

recycle and save your planet?

World domination will be mine

once you are all frozen.

And then every weekend

will be a chill weekend.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

See, what I did there?

You'll never get away with this.

And your Norwegian accent

isn't as good as you think it is.

Give me a break. My
tongue's made of bones.

Prepare to eat ice, humanoid.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

That was great, Destiny.

You could have trimmed
some of the burrito stuff,

but, overall, really good.

Uh, I have a note.

I am great at finding hiding places.

She did not get my character.

What a spooky story.

It had suspense, intrigue,
and the alien was...

Me!

What gives, Destiny?

Huh.

You not believing we're in danger.

Your refusal to save the world.

I don't see the connection.

So, Destiny,

just between you and me,

Mava was Noah, right?

Look, it's not that I don't care

about the world or you.

But we work together on these projects

all the time.

We pick up trash, we plant trees,

and I even helped you

with your methane reduction project

by treating some very gassy cows.

That was you guys?

I feed them beans for a reason.

Destiny, I love helping you

with your environmental projects.

Sometimes, I just feel

a little burnt out is all.

Well...

I hadn't considered that.

I just need a little

alone time to recharge.

But I'll be ready to help
again next weekend.

I guess that makes sense.

Lou, I'd like to retract my story.

It was dumb anyway.

Everyone knows aliens are already here.

How do you think we got the pyramids

or Stonehenge or Florida?

Hey, I'm from Florida.

And that...

Is fair.

What this campfire needs

is a real scary story teller.

Exactly.

Thank you, Barb.

A werewolf creeps
slowly through the forest.

And I've got a spine chiller for you.

ALL: Ooh.

Come on. She doesn't
even go to this camp!

Parker's right.

It stars you.

[GASPS] Let's hear her out.

Darkness had fallen

across a spooky,

raggedy little village.

The village had been taken hostage

by an evil vampire.

Their only hope was a fearless heroine

by the name of Barb Helsing.

LOU: Oh, Lordy.

Woe is me.

Being turned into a
vampire is a true bummer,

I haven't seen my
reflection since I got here.

You guys are so lucky

you get to see my face all the time.

If only there was somebody brave enough

to save us from this tyranny.

Do you know how much money

I have to give to the washerwoman

to get the blood out
of all my cute cloaks?

This is awkward.

I ate the washerwoman.

Greetings.

My name is Barb Helsing.

I'm looking for some of my villagers

who have gone missing.

I believe they've been captured

by a powerful vampire

who is turning them into vampires too.

So, I speed walked across the sea

to find their captor.

Huh. This all sounds like information

that's not important to me

but that someone watching
us might find useful.

Do you know where I
might find such a vampire?

Absolutely not.[BARB GRUNTS]

But try the tavern.

And ask for Draculou.

Curse that hideous beast.

She deserves to die for her puns alone.

I away.

Evening, villagers.

A few announcements.

First, moving all activities
to nighttime has made it

so no one's bursting into flames anymore,

which is a plus.

We'll miss you, Stan.

Also, I caught Chef Jeff

trying to sneak garlic
into the mound of brown.

So, moving forward the secret ingredient

will be Chef Jeff.

[POT BUBBLING]

Draculou, I'm here to report

that the villagers from overseas

have been successfully changed,

into vampires.

Hmm. Fangs came in nicely.

Looking really blood
thirsty. Nice work, y'all.

My villagers.

Draculou has transformed them

into her blood-sucking minions.

Welcome, guys.

Remember, we're not just vampires,

we're fampires.

More puns.

I must stop her at once.

Everyone welcome our
three newest vampires.

Hiss-hiss-hooray.

[ALL HISSING]

Yeah, I'll just wait till she's alone.

Ooh, that smell.

What d*ed in here?

Oh, right.

I'll put an end to your reign of terror

while you sleep, creature of the night!

Well, this is embarrassing.

[BAT SCREECHES]

Ah. You didn't think it'd
be that easy, did you?

Curses.

I forgot you guys could do the bat thing.

This is what happens

when you try to steal my villagers.

Get ready for some stake and garlic.

I know it sounds super delicious

but it's actually very deadly.

[GASPS] Oh, no.

You got me confused

with someone who doesn't
have amazing powers.

[ZAPS]

Wait.

You can move objects with your mind?

That seems more like a superhero thing.

It's your ding dang story.

And it's your funeral.

Ha! Joke's on you. I
already had a funeral.

It was great. We had a mashed potato bar.

Oh, I'm totally stealing that.

Die, fiend!

[GASPS]

[HISSES][GASPS]

Now, would you like to meet your end here

or in the bone corner.

The bone corner is
more convenient for me.

Then I don't have to
move your bones later.

It's a whole thing.

Huh. Wait.

Do you happen to have the time?

Doesn't matter, because you're out of it.

Nice one, Draculou.

No, I think you're out of time.

Goodbye, Dracu-loser.

[SCREAMING]

It burns! The sun, my one weakness.

Agony, oh, agony.

Help me.

Okay, this is taking

an uncomfortably long amount of time.

Uh. Sorry, if you don't like how I die...

[GASPS] Which is now.

[THUDS]

Count Draculou is no more.

I have ended her reign of terror

and her terrible taste in curtains.

The curse is broken.

We are no longer vampires.

I missed you, dude.

Barb Helsing,

thank you for vanquishing Draculou.

We didn't like her but
had to pretend we did.

It was awful.

Who is your vampire slayer?

-Barb Helsling!

-Barb Helsing!
-Barb...

You know, just Barb is fine.

-Barb!
-Barb!

ALL: [CHANTING] Barb!

-Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb.
-Barb, Barb.

Okay. Really, Finn?

Sorry, I got caught up in the moment.

Barb, have you ever considered
the reason your campers left

is because they were
tired of the competing

and back-stabbing at Camp Champion.

And, maybe they wanted to go somewhere

where their issues are faced
head-on with compassion.

Wait. I'm confused.

Is compassion another word for nunchucks?

Camp Kikiwaka is a happy place to be.

And when it's not and
we do have conflict,

we work it out, together.

So, in order to get my campers back,

all I have to do is work

on my conflict management skills?

Yes.

Blah.

Keep the kids.

I'm gonna go find out
who took my foot spa.

And thus ends another

successful scary story night.

Well, everybody off...[GROWLING]

Parker, we're sorry that you
didn't get to tell your werewolf story,

but this is just corny even for you.

[GROWLING]

Oh, what's next?

You're gonna bite us
with your sharp little teeth?

Hmm, that feels kinda real.

Sorry, I was checking
on Matteo. Who's that?

[ALL SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

Thanks for coming on
such short notice, Bernie.

I swear, it's the last time I ask
you to dress up like a werewolf.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]