05x19 - A Star Is Torn

[bunniefuu]

Mornin' campers.

You will not believe
who's comin' to Kikiwaka.

It's not my principal, is it?

'Cause I was kinda supposed to be

in summer school this whole time.

No. And legally speaking,
I did not hear that.

It is world-famous
actress, Melody Chapman.

Whoa! The Melody Chapman?

Why would she wanna
come to a hot, bug-infested...

Uh, little slice of heaven like this?

Well, turns out, she's sh**ting a
new movie about summer camp,

and she wants to come
shadow me for research.

Wow, Lou. How'd you pull that off?

Well, as president of the
Chapmaniacs fan club,

I may have sent a few hundred
e-mails begging her to come,

and she finally agreed.

Despite the intense
objections of her security team.

Wait, is she that girl

from those silly Witch School movies?

Um... [CHUCKLES]

The only thing silly about
the Witch School movies

is that they only made nine

when they had the material for .

I seem to have touched a nerve.

Melody is gonna love me. We
already have so much in common.

For instance, she once
did a movie with Brad Pitt,

and I once cooked a pig named Brad

over a pit.

I can't wait to show her
what camp is all about.

Uh, are you sure?

Because Chef Jeff's
menu for tonight is

Platter of Splatter.

That reminds me, I need you and Finn

to go over to Camp
Champion and get vegetables

from their garden for dinner.

Why can't we use our garden?

Too dangerous. The raccoons
started using carrots as swords

against the rabbits in the cutest,

bloodiest little turf
w*r you ever did see.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Lou, when does Melody get here?

I don't know. I hid a tracking device

in the smart watch I
got her for Christmas,

but her security team found it.

They'll never find the
microphone in her earrings though.

Well, when she gets here,

I want to discuss my passion
for cleaning up our lake with her.

She could spread the word to her
millions of followers on social media.

Why can't you just
use your own followers?

As much as I love them,

the feedback on my page is

mostly Grandma Baker
typing, "This is a test post."

Look, I know you're just
trying to help the environment,

but I don't think Melody
wants any campers

or counselors bothering
her while she's here.

Well, if that's how you wanna be,

then I humbly submit
my resignation as camper.

Great. You can go
stay with Junkyard Judy.

I humbly rescind my
resignation as camper.

Wise move.

[SIGHS AND GROANS]

Hey, what's the matter, Destiny?

Just your standard
girl asks camp director

if she can get a movie star

to spread her environmental message,

only to be completely shut down.

[SCOFFS] Been there.

Maybe I can talk to Melody for you.

No. Lou said Melody
doesn't want any campers

or counselors bothering
her while she's here.

Then I won't be a
camper or a counselor.

I will disappear into character

and I will speak to her.

You really think that'll work?

Of course. I'm a great
actor, same as Melody.

Only difference is
people pay her to do it,

and people tell me,
"Sir, this is a water park.

"If you're not gonna
use the slide, get down."

Okay, let's do it.

Great. I'll go get my tights.

[SIGHS] Just wear pants, man.

Okay, when we get to the
Camp Champion garden,

I'll keep watch while you pull up
as many vegetables as you can.

Or we tunnel under the
garden and pull them down.

That's how it works in cartoons.

You know, the amount
of cartoons you watch

really explains why you tried to
paint a white stripe down that cat.

Whoa.

What is that?

You think it's a door to
a cartoon rabbit's house?

No. No, I do not.

Let's open it.

BOTH: Ooh.

It looks like a small
room of some kind.

[CHUCKLES] Let's check it out.

Huh.

It appears to be some
kind of survival bunker.

Which they never dust.

How gauche.

Oh, no! The hatch is
locked. We're trapped.

[SIGHS] What are we gonna do?

I guess we wait.

What time do you think cartoon
rabbits get home from work?

Finn...

Six.

Lou, no matter how hard you scrub,

the boogers are not
comin' off. I've tried.

Okay, I haven't tried 'cause gross.

I just want everything to be
perfect for when Melody gets here.

But now she's gonna know
that Dylan hearted Megan,

then Dylan hearted Heather,
then Dylan hearted Sam.

If only Dylan's feelings were as
permanent as the marker he used.

Hiya, friends.

I'm looking for Lou Hockhauser.

[GASPS] Sweet groundhogs in gravy.

Melody Chapman, I love
you. I mean, I am you.

I mean, I am me. I mean,
I am Lou and I love you...

[HIGH-PITCHED] And
why didn't I just say hi?

Lou, it's okay. I get that a lot.

But I'm just a normal girl who
puts her pants on one leg at a time

with the help of a team of
stylists, same as everyone else.

Well, welcome to Camp Kikiwaka.

I'm Ava, one of the counselors here.

Nice to meet you. This is
my first time at summer camp.

Is it true that you guys make

tiny sandwiches with
chocolate and marshmallows?

Yeah. They're called s'mores.

It's not real chocolate.

See, we have old tires that...

Okay, Ava.

Don't you have some counseling to do

far, far away from us? [CHUCKLES]

No, not really.

Gosh, I'm just so excited to be here.

I spend all my time on movie
sets, so I don't get out a lot.

I've already been pooped
on by a bird. [GASPS]

I feel so alive! [CHUCKLES]

Well, Melody, you and
your new bestie, Lou,

should take a little tour of
our home away from home.

Oh, can Ava come, too?

My character in the movie
is actually a camp counselor,

so it would be great if she could
teach me some tricks of the trade.

-Me?
-Her?

By her, do you mean me? [CHUCKLES]

Of course.

Just how alive are
you lookin' to feel?

'Cause at this point,

our zip line is mostly old shoelaces.

Well, I guess I rented
that tandem bicycle

for nothing. [CHUCKLES]

This is amazing.

[CHUCKLES] The trees, the fresh air.

And what was that game those kids
were playing where they kick the ball?

Kickball.

[CHUCKLES] Genius.

Lou, there's an emergency

in the kitchen. I
need you right away.

You see, Melody, when
the campers have a problem,

they always come to me, and only me.

I need Ava, too.

Well, you could've said that
before I got all smug about it.

Come on!

Ooh! [GASPS]

A pole with a ball tethered to it.

I wonder what this game is called.

Greetings, random pedestrian.

I am Doctor...

Professor...

Scienceton.

And I am in the middle
of an environmental crisis.

Nice to meet you. I'm Melody Chapman,

and I am in the middle

of this lawn.

I've come to warn
you. Moose Rump Lake

has become extremely
dangerous due to human pollution.

We need to spread the
word before it's too late.

Oh, my gosh. How dangerous is it?

Does this fish with baby
arms answer your question?

Not at all.

If we're not careful, this abomination
could become the future of sushi.

[GASPS]

This is horrible! I love sushi.

Yes, if only there was someone

with the reach to warn people.

Someone with million
followers on social media,

for a completely random example.

Hey, I have million followers.

What a shocking revelation!

LOU: Well, that was a waste of time.

Great Scott!

Destiny, in the future,

if the salt shaker is ever empty,

it's not an emergency.
Just put more salt in it.

Got it. That's why
everyone calls me Destiny

[IMITATING AN EMCEE]
"Can't Fill The Salt Shaker" Baker.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] So, Melody,

did you learn any hard truths

while we were gone
that you now feel the need

to share with the world?

Destiny, what did we
talk about this morning?

[GROANS]

I'd be so out of here

if there was a hotel in this
town that wasn't condemned.

[GASPS] Matteo, good news.

Uh, you found a way
to open the hatch?

No.

I found this bag of
Gopher-Peno Poppers.

Wait, we're trying to get out?

Look, a junction box.

That must mean the hatch
is electronically sealed.

Let's start yanking on these wires.

That's how my dad fixed our car.

And now you can honk with the radio.

And what happens when you're wrong,

and you trap us in here
forever with spicy rodent pieces?

We feast like kings!

Wait, uh, where does this go?

Hey.

This was probably connected

to whatever opens the hatch.

Ah-ha!

This computer must be our way out.

[CHUCKLES] Good thing
I'm a master of technology.

We'll be out of here in
no time. [CHUCKLES]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Loading.

Okay, maybe a little time. [CHUCKLES]

As you can see, Melody,

arts and crafts is the
bedrock of summer camp.

Didn't you also say that about
scrubbing barnacles off the kayaks?

We got a lot of bedrocks.

Here, bonds will be formed.

Edible jewelry will be made.

Dylan will break up with Heather.

Sam will break up with Dylan.

Tears and macaroni will be spilt.

Or if arts and crafts
isn't your thing,

you can just put on these bad boys,

and look really interested
while actually being

fast asleep.

What? I made them in here.

Ava, that is... So cool.

Say what now?

Yes. The character I'm
playing is a bit of a rebel.

See, she's a city girl
who got into some trouble,

and was ordered by the
court to do community service

as a camp counselor.

That was me last summer.

Well, I wasn't court-ordered,
I was mad at my mom,

but I grew as a person,
yada-yada-yada,

and I became the goddess
you see before you.

Oh, my gosh, this is so perfect.

Hey, Lou, maybe I should
be shadowing Ava instead,

she's more my character.

Shadowing her? [CHUCKLES]

Cool, cool. [CHUCKLES] Ava,
can I speak to you in private?

We are getting a
little off track here.

She's supposed to be
shadowing an expert,

and you've only been
here for two summers,

and you've apparently
spent most of that sleeping.

Oh, I see how it is.

Excellent.

So, you can excuse yourself
and I can take it from here.

Melody, Ava has something
she would like to share with you.

Isn't that right, Ava?

Yeah. Turns out that

Lou cleared my schedule.

I don't have to do anything else

other than hang out with you.

Yay! This is so great.

Lou, you're the best.

Now, come on, Ava, I want you to
teach me everything about camp.

Like, who is Simon,

and why does everyone
do what he says?

Noah,

Melody still hasn't posted

about the lake. What happened?

I'm afraid Doctor Professor
Scienceton failed you.

I'm sorry.

Professor Scienceton?

Doctor Professor Scienceton.

Albert Scienceton didn't spend
eight years in science medical school

to be disrespected by
a non-Doctor Professor.

Noah, if we're going to
get Melody to help us,

we have to go bigger,

and you need to come up with

a less ridiculous character.

I've got it. Gil Fishington,

cyborg marine biologist.

Oh, less ridiculous. Got you.

The touch screen's broken.

[CHUCKLES] This was made
before touch screens were invented.

See that blinking cursor?

We need to type in a command.

So, we have to use a keyboard?

Like cavemen?

These computers
are pretty simplistic.

So, I'll type in a
rudimentary inquiry.

Matteo, are you sure you
know what you're doing?

Maybe we should look for
some kind of instruction manual.

That's what my dad always
says before he just gives up

and pays the neighbor kid to do it.

Finn, I got this.

I'm going to try

"Hatch release."

AUTOMATED VOICE:
I'm sorry. Did you mean

"Launch release sequence?"

Well, this is a lot of attitude

coming from something with the
computing power of my electric toothbrush.

If you're going to be
pedantic about it, computer,

then, "Yes, launch
the release sequence."

AUTOMATED VOICE: Location?

Uh, well, we're in "Moose Rump."

AUTOMATED VOICE: Sixty-second
m*ssile launch sequence has begun.

Target, Moose Rump.[ALARM BLARING]

Uh-oh. [SHUDDERS]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Sixty, , ...

Matteo, you're about
to launch a m*ssile?

Uh, no! Uh, but...

I don't think so.

But am I?[SIGHS]

You oversized calculator, stop!

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

AUTOMATED VOICE: m*ssile launched.

No!

What happened?

We just blew up Moose Rump.

We?

And that is how you
set up a proper campsite.

All we have left to do is stake the
tent down so it doesn't blow away.

Pro tip, if you can
trick other counselors

into doing this for you,

you can go into town
and buy ice cream.

I'm sorry, what?

Lou! Ava taught me
how to set up a chair

without an assistant.

[CHUCKLES] I didn't like it.

What are you doin' here, Lou?

Oh, I just came by to
see how you were doing

making a campsite,
and I'm glad I did.

That tent is way
too close to that fire.

See, I normally like
to roast hot dogs,

but I see Ava prefers
to roast campers.

[CELL PHONE
CHIMES][GASPS] I got a message.

Happens all the time when
you're super-important.

Uh-oh, it's from Doomsday Doris.

Um, who's Doomsday Doris?

She's one of our many
colorful local crackpots.

She lives across the
street from "Flat Earth" Fred

and Spaghetti "Controls
the Weather" Wendy.

Apparently, Matteo and Finn

locked themselves inside
of Doris's survival bunker.

Poor guys. Are you
gonna go let them out?

No way. If they're in there,
they're staying out of trouble.

Speaking of trouble, that
tent needs to be staked down

or else it's gonna blow away.

I was just about to do that.

Oh, I'm sure you were,
and I was just about

to start getting eight hours of sleep

and drinking less caffeine.

[CHUCKLES] See how
we can lie to ourselves?

Wait. You really don't
believe in me at all, do you?

Oh, that's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is we should

tear down your campsite
and re-do it the right way.

Well, you know what? You
can do whatever you want,

because I'm out.

You're not gonna be
seeing me again today.

Come on!

I'll get it.

Knock, knock.

AVA: I can't hear you.
I'm in the basement.

Ava, I wanna apologize.

I'll come upstairs then.

The truth is, I was jealous.

I wanted Melody to base
her character off of me

because I'm her biggest fan.

Don't know if you knew that.

Oh, I know. Last year you tried
to have yourself mailed to me.

And it would've worked perfectly

if I hadn't been stolen off
your stoop by porch pirates.

Gotta admit, the disappointment
in their eyes hurt a little.

Ava, I never meant to make
you feel like I didn't believe in you.

You didn't?

No way.

Ever since you've gotten to camp,

you exceeded all of my expectations.

And that is saying something,

because as my Woodchuck successor,

I set the bar sky-high. I mean,

I was so great, and won
so many awards, and...

This is not about me.

Ava, you are a great counselor.

Thanks, Lou. It means a lot.

Well, I really mean it.

Hey, why don't we both show
Melody what camp is all about?

That way her character
can be an expert and a rebel.

Deal.

Oh! This is so touching.

[GASPS] I should have
them write this into the script.

Right now, my character feeds

the camp owner to
one of the dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs? In camp?

This movie sounds... Amazing.

Okay, we can't just sit here

while everybody else is out there.

We have to get back to camp

and see if there are any survivors.

But how? If we go
out into the blast zone,

we'll melt like a microwave
inside a microwave.

Don't ask how I know that.

Wait, oh, we can use
these hazmat suits.

They'll protect us from the fallout.

Although, the cut of these
things will not be flattering.

Still like my chances
of pulling it off though.

If we're gonna save anybody,

we have to get out of here first.

But how?

Dad, send home the neighbor kid.

I'm gonna make you proud.

No, Finn, don't![GRUNTS]

[GASPS] The hatch is open. It worked.

Finn, I'm sorry.

If I just listened to
you in the first place,

we would've gotten
out of here earlier.

And we wouldn't have
incinerated a small town.

It's okay, Matteo.

But stop saying "We."

[BOTH COUGHING]

Ugh! What is going on?

Oh, I knew I never should've
bought Chef Jeff that air fryer.

Mound of Brown is only
meant to be cooked one way.

Low and slow.

Attention, everyone!

A man-made disaster
has taken over our camp!

The lake is on fire.

But I'm not gonna
rest until it's put out

or my name isn't Blaze Hotstone.

"Blaze Hotstone?"

I'm the fourth generation
of Hotstones to fight fires.

My great-great-grandmother, Ember
Hotstone, put out the Hindenburg.

Noah?

Uh, right. Oh...

No, another environmental disaster

caused by humans.

We polluted our lake so much,

it caught on fire.

This is exactly what Doctor Professor
Scienceton was warning us about.

I have so many questions.

So, Blaze Hotstone,

would it help if someone
warned the world

about the dangers of
polluting our waterways?

Perhaps in an informative,

yet easily digestible
social media post?

Uh, just a spontaneous
thought. [CHUCKLES]

Yes, it is our only hope.

Something must be
done. Our planet is on fire.

I knew it!

[SIGHS] It was me.

I blew up Moose Rump.

Oh, what hath my hubris wrought?

Oh, lordy, it's gettin' dumber.

We have to get back to
the safety of the bunker.

Everyone, follow me.

Actually, the bunker
is kind of small.

Some hard decisions are
gonna have to be made.

Okay, knock it off.
Nobody is in any danger.

And you two donuts didn't launch a
m*ssile that destroyed Moose Rump.

-We didn't?
-No.

You played a video
game called m*ssile Control

in Doomsday Doris's survival bunker.

And by the way, she
does not appreciate

you wearing the hazmat
suit that she was married in.

Whoops. Sorry, Lou.

But if we didn't launch a m*ssile,

then where's all this
smoke coming from?

I'm gonna guess from those smoke
machines behind Grizzly Cabin.

Wait, so there's no fire?

[SIGHS] No.[CRACKLING]

Actually, yes.

One of the smoke machines
just burst into flames.

Fire? Fire?

It's everyone for
themselves! Out of my way!

[SCREAMS]

I'm beginning to
wonder if Blaze Hotstone

is a real firefighter.

Okay, all the smoke has cleared.

Although, there's a small cloud

still lingering over the septic t*nk.

Eh, don't worry, that's always there.

Melody, I'm so sorry

for trying to trick you into
posting about the lake earlier.

It's just that cleaning it
up means so much to me.

And I wanted to get my
message out to a larger audience.

Don't be sorry. I love using my
celebrity to promote great causes.

Why didn't you just ask me for help?

Well, someone told
me you wouldn't want

anyone bothering you.

Finn and Matteo tried to blow us up.

Anyway, I would love to post

all about your polluted lake.

People need to know about that
six-legged fish before it's too late.

Maybe I should help
you with the wording.

Phew. Bravely saving everyone

from that fire worked
up quite the thirst.

Wait, Blaze Hotstone?

What are you still doing here?

Oh, no, the fire
b*rned your beard off.

Actually, that's Noah.

He's one of our
counselors, and an actor.

He also played Professor Scienceton.

[COUGHING] Doctor Professor.

Whoa! You were both
of those characters?

I had no idea.

You have to have a part in my movie.

Seriously?

You can just do that?

[CHUCKLES] Watch this.

[LINE RINGING]

Hey, Billy boy, how are
the kids? Great, great.

Listen, I have a fresh face here,

little green, but perfect
for what we need.

Give him his own
trailer, double scale,

and if the studio gives you flak,
tell 'em I'm not doing any press.

[LAUGHS] Bill, baby,

you're a doll. Love to Ariel.

Whoa.

What? I may not
know a lot about camp,

but I've been working in
Hollywood since I was two.

[GASPS] Ooh-hoo! Anyone else
want to be famous? This is fun.

I'm gonna be in a movie?

I'm gonna be in a movie!

What am I gonna be in a movie?

I got you the part of the camp chef

who gets the time machine working.

[GASPS] Time machine?

Yeah. How do you think
the dinosaurs show up?

BOTH: I cannot wait
to read this script.