02x02 - Beauty Is as Beauty Does

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

Mr. Howell: darling, have you had some of this?

Skipper: have some of that.

The olive matches your outfit.

You're so right.

So, the fella turned to me and said, "thurston..."

Oh, I'll have some more of that, ginger, please.

Thank you, ginger.

[All talking at once]

Mr. Howell.

Mrs. Howell.

Mr. And mrs. Howell, quiet! Please!

Man on radio: johnnie jo langford

From weehawk city, alabama,

Was selected tonight as winner

Of the miss globe beauty pageant.

Oh, they have to be kidding!

Prizes won by the raven-haired coed

Include a round-the-world trip plus...

Huh! Raven-haired coed!

Well, that old bag's been entering contests since I was a kid.

I could have beaten johnnie jo langford

With my hair up in curlers

And my front tooth blacked out.

Ginger, we know you could have won.

In fact, I'll propose a toast.

To ginger, the most beautiful castaway in the whole wide world.

Thank you, skipper.

Here's to ginger.

You know, there's really more to beauty

Than perfection of face and figure.

It also means breeding and poise

And a kind of charm that comes with maturity.

How true.

In my opinion, mrs. Howell

Is the most beautiful creature in the world.

Here's to mrs. Howell.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid that I must inject another opinion here.

In addition to beauty of face and figure,

There is a lady here who also has sweetness and warmth,

The lady I would pick as the most beautiful in the world...

Mary ann.

Oh, thank you.

Here's to mary ann.

Well, it would seem that

There's a difference of opinion here,

But I don't see any reason for argument.

Let's say that ginger's the most beautiful,

Mrs. Howell certainly is the most gracious,

And last but not least, mary ann is the sweetest.

Yeah, let's say that.

Let's not say it!

I said that mrs. Howell

Is the most beautiful creature in the world,

And that is precisely what I meant!

I beg your pardon, when I said that mary ann

Was the most beautiful in the world, that is exactly what I meant.

I know, I know!

Let's have a beauty contest here on the island,

And we can pick a... A miss castaway.

Ooh, a beauty contest here?

Well, that suits me fine.

I think it's a marvelous idea.

I agree, too.

See you on the runway, girls.

Oh, gilligan, what a can of peas have you opened.

All I said was we should have a beauty contest.

Well, how do I look?

Ginger, believe me,

You look like the venus de milo, with arms!

What about the talent part?

Oh, well, I was thinking of doing the final scene

From my last movie. It's very dramatic.

Oh, good! Let's hear it.

I surrender to our passions, my love, willingly...

Hi, skipper. I finished the runway so I thought I'd come over

And see if you needed anything at all...

I want to go where you go.

Right now?

Lift me to the heavens, my love,

Sweep me off my feet.

Oh, please, take me with you. Carry me off.

Well, I'll try. Where do you want me to carry you to?

Gilligan! Gilligan, are you insane?!

She said to sweep her off and take her up into the heavens, so...

Gilligan, can't you see we're trying to work?

What is it you want?

Well, I finished the runway, skipper, so...

All right, you want something else to do. Is that it?

Here, gilligan.

Go get us some lobsters for lunch. Now get out!

You don't have to yell.

Yes, I do! Will you go?!

Now, ginger, right where we left off.

I surrender to our passions, my love.

Well, professor, I bet you never thought you'd be coaching a beauty contest.

Mary ann, the combination of your natural attributes

And my scientific approach will prove unbeatable. Look.

Seaweed shampoo, for lustrous hair.

Crushed blackberries for darkening the lashes.

Powdered hibiscus for ruby lips,

And coconut oil for baby-soft skin.

Just add a little vinegar and I could enter the contest as a caesar salad.

You leave it to me.

By the time science and I are through,

You'll make ginger and mrs. Howell

Look like dropouts from boys' town.

What's the fishing pole for?

Why, that's to provide you with a form of isometric exercise.

Isometric exercise?

Yes. Always remember that true beauty

Is the end result of the inner glow of good health,

And isometric exercise provides

For the inner play of muscle against muscle

To improve the general physique.

Oh, but professor, I just want to b*at mrs. Howell and ginger,

Not cassius clay.

I'll just attach this to your bathing suit.

You get in that lagoon

And you swim just as hard as you possibly can.

You're sure it'll help me win?

Yes, this will provide for the inner play of muscle against muscle.

All right, but I don't want to come out looking like johnny weissmuller.

Don't worry. You won't. Now, you get in there

And you swim just as hard as you possibly can.

Hold on!

Oh, professor! You hooked a big one!

No, gilligan! Gilligan, I am busy!

Let me help! Don't let him get away!

[Arguing continues]

[Mary ann shrieks]

Aah!

Huh.

Must have been a her.

Gilligan! Oh!

Good heavens.

You go get her.

All right, hands on hips,

Deep knee bend. Here we are.

All right, there, , . , .

, . , . Lower, lovey. , . , .

, . , . All right,

I think you can rest now, my dear.

Oh, really, thurston, this is silly.

Who's going to vote for me over those two beautiful young girls?

But, my dear, you're a howell,

And no one can b*at a howell.

Yes, but does everybody think like a howell?

Now wait a minute. Are you or are you not

Rich enough to be the most beautiful woman wherever you go?

Thurston, I'm afraid it's hopeless.

Unless, of course, we can convince gilligan to vote for me.

Wait a minute. Do you think I'm the type of man

Who would try and influence a judge

In a fair-and-square contest?

Yes, thurston.

You know me pretty good, don't you? Yes.

After all, a howell gets what he needs

And right now, all we need is gilligan.

Ok, ginger, let's try that acting scene again.

You know, skipper, I was just thinking.

You shouldn't have yelled at gilligan this morning.

Why not?

Well, because mr. Howell is gonna vote for his wife,

And the professor's gonna vote for mary ann,

And that leaves gilligan to elect miss castaway.

Why, I know, but he has to vote for you.

I mean, you're the obvious winner.

Well, thank you very much,

But sometimes the obvious one doesn't win.

Well, you've got a point there.

Gilligan is kinda tender-hearted.

He might vote for the underdog.

That is, I mean, girl.

That's right. So we're going to have to do

Something to convince him.

Yes. We do need gilligan.

Just think tall.

Oh, I appreciate all the work you've gone to, professor,

But it's no use.

Ginger's just too glamorous,

And mrs. Howell's too darned cultured.

Now, I will not tolerate negative thinking.

Do you or do you not

Want to be miss castaway?

Well, of course I do, but...

Well, do you think I can get gilligan's vote?

Ooh, that reminds me.

I was a bit harsh this morning

On our uncommitted delegate.

Well, I'm sure gilligan will be fair.

Well, just the same, we've got to remedy that.

We need gilligan.

All I wanted to do was try to help.

Everybody yells at me, picks on me, and...

[Chattering]

Gladys.

Gladys, give me back my hat.

Gladys, my hat.

Please.

Gladys, give me my hat!

[Chattering angrily]

Huh?

Look, don't tell me your troubles, I got enough of my own.

What am I gonna do, gladys?

[Chattering]

Tell them to stop walking over me?

Yeah? And be firm?

Oh, here he comes, skipper.

Gilligan, little buddy, you're just in time.

We saved the biggest lobster for you.

Oh, no, you don't. I'm not taking any more of that.

Oh, gilligan, it's delicious.

I cooked it especially for you.

Thanks, ginger. I guess it pays to fight back.

Nothing's too good for my little buddy.

Ooh, yeah. Everybody loves a fighter.

Gilligan, you don't want that.

Huh? Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

He does, too. No, he does not.

Here, try this, gilligan.

It's really much better.

Taste it. I picked the herbs and the fruits myself.

It's good.

Oh, no, you don't. Mine is much better,

Gilligan, really.

Vitamin a, gilligan, vitamin a.

Exactly what a nice boy like you needs

To grow big and strong.

Ooh, I can hardly wait.

Gilligan, dear, I made those hors d'oeuvres

Especially for your discerning palate.

Here, my boy. Try that.

[Whispers] what's that?!

From my own private stock.

It beats that rabbit food any day of the week, huh?

Some more, hmm?

Come back here, gilligan.

You eat that lobster, and that's an order.

Because we want you to be happy.

Well, so do we.

Gilligan's happiness means more to us

Than anything in the world.

Well, everybody's so happy,

How come you're mad at each other?

Oh, gilligan, we don't want to worry you with that.

We know whatever your decision will be, it'll be unbiased.

My decision about what?

Well, about who wins the beauty contest,

Of course.

We respect your integrity, gilligan.

That's why we're glad you have the deciding vote.

Deciding vote? Me?

Look, I don't want to be judge.

Mr. Howell: you have no choice in the matter.

To gilligan, who will cast the deciding vote for mrs. Howell.

For ginger! For mary ann!

Look, I'm not gonna vote for anybody right now...

Ginger, mary ann, or mrs. Howell! No! Uh-uh!

All right, then, my dear.

We will make our meals elsewhere.

Come on, skipper.

Mrs. Howell: come along, thurston.

We'll have our dinner in our rooms, darling.

[Chattering]

Whoo-ooh-ooh... Ooh!

A friendly little beauty contest.

You know what I think, gladys?

It's about as friendly as world w*r ii.

Skipper: gilligan!

Hey, gladys, it's ok.

It's just the skipper. The skipper.

You remember the skipper, don't you? Huh?

Yeah, that's him.

Skipper: gilligan!

Gilligan, where are you?!

There you are.

Hi, skipper. I'd like you to meet gladys.

Gladys, this is the skipper.

Gladys, how... Oh, I know gladys!

Gilligan, I've got to talk to you.

Alone.

Alone? Oh, ok, skipper.

Gladys, you got to go now. I'll see you later, ok?

[Chattering]

Ooh!

What did you want to talk about, skipper?

Gilligan, there's a broken heart for every light on broadway,

And we have one right here on this island.

A light on broadway?

No, gilligan, a broken heart.

Now, think about it.

If you had broadway lying at your feet

And it was all smashed to smithereens,

What would you do?

Stay off broadway.

Gilligan, please. Give ginger back a piece of her dream.

Make it up to her for the way the cruel fates have treated her.

I guess you're right, skipper.

Ginger deserves to win.

That's right, little buddy.

Professor: gilligan?

I'm down here.

So you are.

I am delighted that you dropped by, gilligan.

Gives me a chance to talk to you,

To appeal to your reason,

Your... Your intellect.

Ok, professor. Appeal.

There's a girl on this island

To whom victory would be the pinnacle,

The attainment of all her unspoken dreams,

Her unfulfilled desires.

Do you know who I'm talking about?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

All right, follow me, gilligan.

Now, first there's ginger. She's made her mark in the world.

For the rest of her life she can talk about her fabulous career.

Now, consider mrs. Howell.

She's got her fabulous husband;

And then there is mary ann.

Pretty, sweet, little mary ann.

Now, what does she have that could be considered really and truly fabulous?

Her butterfly collection?

Oh, try to understand, gilligan.

Mary ann needs to be miss castaway as the other couldn't possibly,

And you can do this for her, gilligan.

You must do this for her.

I guess you're right, professor.

Mary ann deserves to win.

Aww. What a lovely thought.

You see, on one hand, the skipper's right,

And ginger should win;

And on the other hand, the professor's right, and mary ann should win.

Oh, what a spot.

Only an idiot would get himself in a spot like this.

What?!

I don't know. There must be an answer to the problem somewhere.

I don't know.

I wish somebody would tell me what to do.

I'd be very happy to tell you, my boy.

Thanks.

Ahh!

Oh. It's you, mr. Howell.

Gilligan, I'm a man of few words.

What will it cost to get your vote?

A yacht, villa on the riviera,

Controlling interest in the golden gate bridge?

Mr. Howell, you're trying to bribe a judge.

No, no, no. Just testing your honesty,

And may I say that you came through with flying colors.

Then you're not trying to influence me?

Oh, no, no. Cherish the thought.

Let's sit down and chat a while, shall we?

Ok. What about?

Mrs. Howell, of course.

Oh. What's her problem?

Any woman's most cherished possession, her pride.

I mean, look at it this way:

Mrs. Howell, a woman of renown,

Competing in an ordinary contest like that.

It isn't fair. It isn't equitable.

It isn't democratic, if you'll pardon the expression.

Now, suppose your own mother was running against tuesday weld.

Tuesday weld?

Who would you vote for?

I'd choose mom. I'd choose mom.

You're absolutely right.

A vote for mrs. Howell is a vote for those ladies

That deserve our recognition:

The american wife and american mother

And private enterprise.

Gilligan, are you an american?

Yes, sir, and I vote for mrs. Howell.

, If you don't mind. , Ok.

[Whistles yankee doodle dandy]

On one hand there's ginger,

On the other hand there's mary ann.

Looks like I'm gonna need another hand for mrs. Howell.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

And welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

To the first annual miss castaway contest.

[Cheers and whistles]

Mr. Howell: oh, lovely.

Professor: the lovely contestants are: number one...

[Music playing]

Miss mary ann.

Professor: that's lovely, dear.

Number , ginger.

[Skipper whistles]

Attagirl, ginger! Come on!

Skipper: oh, boy!

Boy, you look wonderful, ginger.

[Whistles]

Professor: and last but not least,

Mrs. Thurston howell iii.

Oh, bravo, bravo, mrs. Howell.

Never mind the tempo, darling.

You're above it. You're a howell.

Mr. Howell: bravo!

Such grace! Bravo!

And now the next event, worth points,

For charm, poise, and sincerity.

[Applause and whistles]

The first contestant: miss mary ann.

Now, you just relax, dear,

And you tell us in your own sweet, charming, simple way

What it is that you want most out of life.

[Clears throat]

I would like a world without strife,

Universal harmony, international goodwill

Where the sp...

Spirit of brotherhood enriches all of mankind forever. Thank you.

Oh, how revolting.

Thank you, thank you, mary ann,

For that sincere, unselfish, and unrehearsed speech.

Thank you, my dear. Please be seated.

And now for contestant number ...

[Whistles]

Ginger! Come on!

Will you wait, please, till I introduce her?

I already know ginger.

Come on, ginger! Go! Go!

All right, then. Miss ginger.

Thank you.

First of all,

I'd like to thank all of you wonderful people

For allowing me to be in this wonderful contest.

It really is a wonderful experience,

And it just makes a girl feel wonderful.

Wonderful!

Second of all,

I'd like to thank all of you marvelous people

For allowing me to be in this marvelous contest.

It really is a marvelous experience,

And it makes a girl feel marvelous.

Marvelous! Marvelous!

Thirdly... Thank you very much, ginger.

I'm not finished yet.

For allowing me to be in this terrific contest...

Ginger, your time is up.

Thank you very much.

Terrific! Terrific!

And now for our third contestant,

Mrs. Thurston howell iii.

Mr. Howell: bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

I'm not going to make an unrehearsed speech,

Or a speech that's wonderful, marvelous, terrific.

I'm just going to say, thank you, judge,

For being the son of an american mother.

Bravo! Bravo!

More! Encore! Author!

Thank you.

And now there will be a -minute break for a costume change

Before we commence with the talent competition.

Thank you.

[Whistling]

Mr. Howell: very good! Good show!

And now, to open the talent competition,

Mary ann will perform a soft-shoe dance.

[Cheers and whistles]

Very lovely.

What's the matter, professor?

You having trouble with the phonograph?

Uh, just a moment.

Here, I'll help you.

Whoop.

Almost stepped in the glue.

Professor: all right.

Take your seats, please.

[Music playing]

Dear, what is the matter?

Oh, I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life!

Look!

Something wrong, mary ann?

Oh, I don't know. My shoe!

What is it, mary ann?

Glue, I guess.

Glue! Well, for goodness sakes,

Take your foot out of your shoe.

That's it.

Mr. Howell, you put glue on that stage.

Oh, man, now where would I get glue?

I mean...

Something in a ... You need a new tailor, there.

Mr. Howell, two can play at that game.

Mrs. Thurston howell iii

Will now recite a dramatic poem.

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Paul revere's ride.

Listen, my children, and you shall hear,

Of the midnight ride of paul revere.

On the eighteenth of april in ' ,

Hardly a man is now alive

Who remembers that famous day and year.

He said to his friend if... If...

[Whispers] if the british march.

If the british march. Hut, .

No coaching from the audience.

If the british march from town tonight,

By land and... Or by sea,

Hang a lantern high in the north church tower

For... As a signal... Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Excuse me.

Light one if by land two if by...

Ah-ah-ah-ah-choo!

Ah-ah-choo!

If by sea.

And i, on the opposite shore will be ready to...

Ah-ah-ah-ah-choo!

Oh, I can't do this anymore!

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Thank you very much, mrs. Howell.

You had something to do with this,

And don't try and tell me that you didn't!

Why, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

I'll tell you what you both did.

You just cancelled yourselves out of the competition.

Ha! Well, I guess we know whose girl's gonna win now.

Professor: I'll see about that.

Why don't you two just sit down.

And now for the final contestant in the talent competition,

Miss ginger!

[Jazz music starts]

♪ Let me ♪

♪ Entertain you ♪

♪ Let me make you smile ♪

♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪

♪ Some old and then some new tricks ♪

♪ I'm very versatile ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And if you're real good ♪

♪ I'll make you feel good ♪

♪ I want your spirits to climb ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Let me entertain you ♪

Ooh!

♪ A good time ♪

Oh! Oh! Ooh!

Ow! Oh! Ooh! Oh!

We're even steven.

Give me back the w*apon.

Ok, I'm ready.

All right, little buddy.

Get up on the stage and announce it,

Little shipmate.

You ladies may be seated.

First of all, I'd like to say all the ladies are very beautiful

And each one deserves to win.

Yeah. Very charmingly said.

Never mind that now, gilligan.

Who won?

With all due respect to candidate number one,

And candidate number ,

And candidate number ,

My deciding vote goes to candidate number .

? ?

But there were only candidates,

Not , you fool.

What are you talking about, gilligan?

I had my own candidate.

You had your own contest?

Here, I'll show you.

Miss castaway!

[Chattering]

I've never seen anything like it in my life.

A monkey.

[Chattering]

[Shrieks]

She's prettier than we are?!

And you call yourself an american.

That's just it, mrs. Howell. We're all americans except her.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, to enter a beauty contest, you have to be a native,

And she's the only one born on the island.

Well, he's got a point there.

And besides, if I picked one of the ladies, I'd get in trouble.

Well, he's got a point there, too.

If I picked gladys, I can't get in any trouble.

[Chattering]

I don't think so. Whoa!

Gilligan, little buddy!

How about telling us who really won the contest?

I already told you. Gladys.

Come on, come on. We're friends.

Just for the record, show us who won on points.

No one. No one.

With all those notes you'd been making,

Someone must have been ahead.

Let me see!

[All talking at once]

Tick-tack-toe?

They're all covered with tick-tack-toes.

I didn't want you to see I lost every game.

♪ Now this is a tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In their tropic island nest ♪

♪ No phone, no lights ♪

♪ No motor cars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪