02x05 - The Sweepstakes

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire ♪

♪ And his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

Oh, there you are.

They look very refreshing, gilligan.

Papaya and coconut milk for mr. Howell,

And guava and pineapple for you, mrs. Howell.

I distinctly said pineapple

And coconut milk, gilligan.

And mine was papaya and guava.

Here.

What are you doing?

Gilligan, exactly what are you doing?

Pouring your papaya into mrs. Howell's cup,

And her guava into your cup.

Oh, that's very clever of him, isn't it, darling?

Well, I reserve judgment

Till I sample the brew.

Gilligan, would you adjust the parasol, please?

You know I never take sun.

Yes, ma'am.

Would you turn on the radio?

The midweek financial report.

Very important. Yes, sir.

And my fan, gilligan, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Fluff me, will you, gilligan?

Fluff me, too, huh?

Radio: this is john reid king of kdka news in pittsburgh.

We interrupt our midweek financial report

From the world's capitals.

An item just in from buenos aries.

The winning argentinian sweepstakes

First prize ticket has just been drawn.

Hey, I bought a ticket in that sweepstakes.

The winning ticket number is g .

This million dollars is non-taxable.

[Gags]

Hey, that's... That's a coincidence.

I got the same number. G .

[Laughs]

The winning ticket! I've got the winning ticket!

I won the sweepstakes!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I've got... I got g !

I got the... I got it! Oh, boy!

That is, if I don't have to collect the money right away.

King: the winner

Can collect the money anytime.

Thanks. I'm a millionaire, mr. Howell!

I'm a millionaire! Hey, skipper, professor!

I'm a millionaire! I'm a millionaire!

I got the ticket! I'm a millionaire!

I'm a millionaire! I got the ticket!

I got the ticket! I'm a millionaire!

Hi, skipper. I'm a millionaire!

A tax-free millionaire!

I'm a millionaire! I'm...

Gilligan, for goodness sakes, simmer down.

I'm a millionaire!

What's all this nonsense about being a millionaire?

I'm a millionaire! I'm a millionaire!

Skipper, what's all the screaming about?

He said something about a ticket.

Did you see a boat?

Gilligan, did you see a boat?

No.

Gilligan, what's all the shouting about?

[Mumbles]

Well, it is a bit hot today.

Perhaps gilligan has a touch of the sun.

I think that's it. He does feel...

I got the ticket. I'm a millionaire.

He keeps saying that over and over again.

He's flipped.

What kind of a ticket

Would make somebody rich?

Well, perhaps if the skipper

Will remove his hand, gilligan will tell us.

Oh. Yeah.

Hi, professor. Hi, girls.

Oh, gilligan, never mind the amenities.

Tell us all about this.

I got the ticket. I got the tax-exempt ticket.

I'm a tax-exempt millionaire.

What ticket?

The sweepstakes ticket in south america.

Oh, and I suppose

A little bird flew down here

And told you that you've won.

No, I heard it on the radio,

And see, he read the number out,

And it's the winning ticket.

And I've got the same number,

And the howells heard it, too.

Well, I guess it's true.

Our friend here is a millionaire.

Oh!

Congratulations, gilligan. Put her there.

No, I just remembered what mr. Howell said.

When you're rich,

Everybody's got their hand out.

Oh, for pete's sake, gilligan. Shake hands.

[All talking at once]

Here you are, mr. Howell.

I think I got it right. Guava and papaya.

No, no, gilligan, my boy.

Just put the little tray down.

There you are. Nice.

Now, gilligan, you just come over here and lie down.

Me? There. Yes.

Now, you comfy, dear?

Could you fluff my pillow?

We'll fluff you up a little. There you are.

There. You got a little drink, huh?

Uh, mrs. Howell and I

Were having a meeting of the board,

And we decided to admit a new member

To this terribly exclusive private club,

And, gilligan, guess who the new member is.

The skipper? No.

The professor? No, no.

Who is loaded with money?

You are. Aside from me.

Oh, me. But I'm only a one million millionaire.

Well, be that as it may,

You have the $ , for the initiation fee.

So while I administer the oath of loyalty

To the club and to its principles...

Uh, lovey, will you get gilligan

His own private club blazer?

Oh, certainly, dear.

All right. It's all right.

Put down the drink and we will now...

Uh, here... Place your right hand

On this pile of currency.

No, don't clutch, my boy!

Now, i, uh, pledge allegiance

To the spirit of money,

The color for which it stands,

One currency divisible by ,

With luxury and affluence

To the very fortunate few.

Is something amiss?

Well, that pledge. I never heard one like that before.

That's the way I was taught at smu.

Smu?

Super millionaires university.

♪ Moo-la, moo-la ♪

♪ Moo-la, moo-la ♪

♪ Moo-la, moo-la ♪

♪ La ♪ ♪ moo-la, moo-la ♪

Ha ha ha. You had an .

I believe that I had a .

A ? You millionaires can make yourselves believe anything.

Would you believe it that I made once

Less than a hole in one?

Less than a hole in one?

That's right.

I missed the ball and sank the divot.

Ha ha ha. It's a golfing joke.

Oh, there you are, gilligan.

I want you to help me

Fix the back wall in the supply hut.

I fixed that wall last week.

Exactly, gilligan.

That's why we have to fix it again this week.

Aw, skipper, it's too hot to work.

Why don't you join us, huh?

Uh, young man, would you,

Uh, step over here just one moment?

Is he a member of the club?

Is he a millionaire? Is he worth anything

Except that broken-down boat?

Then how can the likes of him

Join the likes of us, huh?

It's not likely.

No, dismiss him.

Dismiss him. Ok. Casually.

Uh, some other time. Huh, skipper?

Yeah, well, thanks a lot for the invitation.

Do you think he's mad?

Well, uh, piqued, perhaps.

Ego bruised, maybe.

Feelings hurt, possibly.

Mad? He's furious. Ha ha ha.

Now, gilligan, observe.

One doesn't drink a tea...

Oh, I'm glad to hear that,

Because I'd rather have, like,

Cocoa or soda pop or milk or root beer...

Yes, dear.

Now, one doesn't drink tea.

One sips, like this.

You try. Ok.

[Slurps]

Oh, gilligan.

Not so good, huh?

Well, I always was a slurpy sipper.

Practice makes perfect.

Now, handling the appurtenances

Of a tea party is really quite an art.

Sugar, the cream,

Balancing the cookies, there.

Now, you try it, dear.

Good.

Hi. Oh, mary ann.

Hi. What are you doing?

Uh, we're having a tea lesson.

Gilligan, when a lady approaches

Or enters a room, a gentleman stands up.

Oh, I'm sorry. I... [Crash]

Gilligan.

[Mumbling] oh, yeah. Marvelous.

Ha ha. Money. Ha ha ha.

All this money, and nothing to do,

And nobody to do it with.

Hmm? You were, uh,

Saying something, old boy?

Mr. Howell, now that I'm a member

Of the club, what can I do?

I had more fun when I was a club steward.

Well, you haven't got the knack

Of being idly rich.

You see, you should do like me.

Just snooze and dream, dream and snooze.

The pleasures are unlimited.

Not for me, mr. Howell.

When I go to sleep, I have nightmares

About big crawly things and creatures

And big hairy monsters that grab you around the throat.

Ooh, how vulgar.

Your dreams are too ordinary.

You should, uh, upgrade them.

Upgrade them?

Well, yes. You... You take my dreams,

Like the one that you just interrupted.

It was marvelous.

I was foreclosing the mortgage

On a life-long friend,

And I was creating a poverty pocket

Right in the heart of beverly hills.

Downtown.

I don't want to dream about making more money,

I want to spend it.

Egad, you have nothing but nightmares.

Now, there's only one use for money,

And that's to make more money.

But, mr. Howell,

I want to spend it to make people happy.

Well, that's a very noble sentiment,

Very warm and generous, but stupid.

Now, let me finish that dream

On a pleasant note.

The wholesale arrest of the supreme court.

Ha!

Me join the club?

Why not?

Well, I can give you the best why-not I could ever tell you.

It just so happens I don't have $ , .

You could get it if you wanted to.

Where? Out of my sea chest?

Out of my back pocket?

Boy, are you a bad guesser. You want a hint?

No, gilligan. I don't want a hint.

Try your little buddy gilligan.

All right, I'll try...

Try my little buddy gilligan?

Good guess.

Gilligan, you mean you'd lend me the money?

No.

You sure know how to hurt a fellow.

No, I wouldn't lend it to you, but I'd give it to you.

Gilligan, I want to tell you

Winning this million dollars

Has done something to you.

It's made me rich.

No, it's more than that.

I mean, it's given you real vision.

Can you imagine the idea

Of you and me and the howells

In the same club?

It's gonna have nothing but class.

Yeah. I'll see you later, skipper.

Uh, where are you going?

I'm gonna find ginger.

I can't wait to see what she does

When I give her $ , .

How dare you?

All you men are alike.

I suppose you'll want a kiss now.

No, I don't want a kiss.

I've never been so insulted in all my life.

So, I'm not worth kissing.

No, that's not what I meant. Honest.

Are you sure?

Cross my heart.

I only want to pay for your initiation

Into our exclusive private club.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, gilligan.

[Bonk] oh.

[Knocking]

[Knocking] oh.

Ha ha ha. Sorry, mr. Howell.

I'm sorry. No one under the rank of rear admiral

Is permitted in the club.

Wait, mr. Howell.

Yes, what's that?

Read this and weep.

Uh, read that. "I owe you. Gilligan"... Oh.

Oh, and, mr. Howell? Yes?

I like my deck chair to face the lagoon.

Ha ha ha.

Mrs. Howell? Nice.

Oh, my goodness.

What are we gonna do with him?

What are we gonna do with her?

Oh. Oh, yes.

No, I'm terribly sorry, my dear.

The servants' entrance is to the rear.

Oh, I couldn't care less.

I am a member, you know.

My i.o.u., Please?

Your i.o.u., Yes. Of course.

Oh, hello, mary ann.

Hello, skipper.

The world is crumbling, lovey.

That girl is sitting in my chair.

[Gasps] she's using my fan!

Ahem.

Look who has a card of admittance.

Your pardon. Yes, I beg you.

No autographs, positively no autographs.

Oh, thurston. She's in show business.

I believe I'm in the right place,

Am I not?

Uh, yes. Heavens! An egghead.

With $ , .

They're the worst kind.

I.o.u. Yeah. Well, come right in.

Thank you, thurston. Lovey.

[Gasps] lovey.

Thurston and lovey. I never.

Well, I see everybody got here.

Yes, unless you lent some money

To cannibals on neighboring islands.

No, just to our friends.

Betrayed by one of our own kind.

Those terrible nouveau riche.

Just look at them over there, lovey.

I want to thank you very much.

Oh, you're welcome.

By dow and by jones, this island living

Has dulled my senses.

I, thurston howell,

The wizard of wall street,

Bought a pig in a poke.

Lovey, did you ever see

The sweepstakes tickets?

No, dear.

Neither did i. Gilligan!

[Laughing]

Huh? You want to see me, mr. Howell?

Yes, I want to see your sweepstakes ticket

In the treasury of this club.

Against these $ , i.o.u.'S

Collateral, you know what I mean?

Sure, mr. Howell, if that's a rule.

It's a rule. It's a commandment.

Hurry it up.

My palm is getting moon burn.

It's gone. Gone?

Gone.

Gone. And so are your friends.

Go on! Get out of here!

[All talking at once]

I want to read the by-laws.

By-laws. Yes.

You can't treat my friends...

And you leave the blazer with me!

Oh, thurston.

You did that perfectly.

You forget I took basic training

Under simon legree.

Oh, sure, but where do we start?

Knowing gilligan,

That ticket could be anyplace.

No, it couldn't, skipper.

It's not in my pocket because I looked.

Oh, great. Where else couldn't it be, gilligan?

Well, let's see.

It couldn't be in that tin box

Buried down at the base

Of that big palm tree by the lagoon.

I didn't know there was a tin box

Buried under that tree.

There isn't. That's why it couldn't be there.

Why don't we divide up

Into search parties?

Mary ann, you can search with me.

I'll go with the skipper.

Yeah, and I'll go with... With, uh, who?

Gilligan, you will be

Our special task force.

And try and not get in anybody's way.

Don't worry, skipper. I'll do a real good job.

[Conk]

I swear, there isn't an inch of this island we haven't searched.

Any luck? Not a bit.

I just can't understand how

On an island this size why we can't...

I'm a millionaire! I got the ticket!

I'm a millionaire!

Hi, everybody. Done searching?

Gilligan, where is the ticket?

Well, where did you find it?

I didn't.

But you just said you did.

You've just been yelling I've got the...

Uh, the millionaire. Where is the ticket?

Oh, that. Yes, that.

Well, I figured I'd get real smart

And do exactly what I did yesterday

Exactly the same, and I'd find the ticket.

Well, yes, and?

Well, yesterday, I began yelling

I've got a ticket! I'm a millionaire!

I've got a tic...

All right, gilligan. We get the idea.

I still didn't find the ticket.

Nor did we.

We found everything else

That you've lost on the island

Since we landed.

Your bubblegum wrappers

And your baseball cards.

Yes, and your library card and your bank book.

And the pages you've been tearing off the calendar.

And that great american novel you keep starting.

Well, at least we did clean up the island.

Yes, gilligan. We cleaned up the island.

Go to sleep, thurston. It's getting late.

Sleep does not come easy these nights, lovey.

Aw, you're still upset.

To think that i, thurston howell iii,

Should be taken in by a pink-cheeked boy.

Accepting a piece of paper I never saw.

He says he has and it's lost,

And I don't know whether he did or whether he didn't.

You're beginning to sound like gilligan.

Don't say that name.

Right, darling. Good night. Mmm.

I, thurston howell, who always insisted

On seeing things in writing.

Should have demanded... Should have insisted...

On seeing it in writing.

Seeing it in writing... Seeing it in writing...

Seeing it in writing... Seeing it in writing...

[Snoring]

Whoa! Ha! I struck gold!

I struck it rich!

Hey, I'm a millionaire!

Come along, sea biscuit.

Yes, sir. I struck gold.

You hear me? I'm rich.

Hey. Did I hear you say gold,

You bearded old desert rat?

I've got enough gold here to fill every tooth

Between here and st. Louis.

Well, in that case,

You just come right on into my office,

You kindly old man.

Yeah. You mind if I double park?

There, baby. All right, son.

You've gotta help me. I've been out there.

You're a nice fella. I like you.

Oh! Oh, my goodness, son.

Right over here.

Right here. Perfect.

Let's get this out.

Years diggin' in the rivers.

Years climbing the mountains.

Years in the hills. How much is that?

That's years.

I don't mean that.

I haven't had a bath in years.

What are you doing there, boy?

I'm making out your deed.

Proof that you're worth $ million.

Oh, keep writing, my boy.

There you are, sir, and I wouldn't lose

That little piece of paper if I were you.

That ticket is worth $ million.

Aah! $ Million! How much do I owe you

For your services, son?

I like you, you know.

My fee is $ , .

$ , . It's worth every cent of it.

You don't mind if I write you an i.o.u.

Against this deed? There you are.

All right. That's my signature.

You know, sir, a man of your wealth needs protection.

Marshal gilligan is the man for you.

Who's that? Marshal gilligan.

Never heard of him. Here, son.

Did I hear someone call the marshal?

Oh, there you are, marshal.

This gentleman right here, marshal.

Yeah.

This dirty, bearded, desert rat

And you call him a gentleman?

He's worth a million dollars.

That's right.

Like I was saying, you can't judge a man

By the clothes he's wearing.

Yes, I understand, son,

This is a rough, tough, sh**t' town, huh?

Rough, tough? Mister, anyone past here is a tourist.

Well, I'm gonna need a gunfighter

To protect me.

It's worth $ , , yeah.

Mister, are you trying to buy a u.s. Marshal?

Of course not.

That's funny, 'cause you just bought yourself one.

Hey, well, here's an i.o.u. For $ , .

I got it against my deed, yes.

That's my signature. There you are.

Now, let's go to a saloon

And celebrate, huh?

Follow me.

Dancin' girls, huggin' and squeezin'.

I haven't had a bath in years.

I know.

Go on. I'll cover the rear.

Yeah, you cover me from the rear.

Uh, everybody belly up to the bar, boys.

I hear you struck it rich, sir.

Uh, news travels fast in these parts, huh?

Well, nothing gets past ginger le plant, sir,

Owner of the last chance gambling and drinking saloon.

Yeah, I like you, girl. You're all right.

I like you, too, sir.

Thank you.

Drink on the house.

Ah, you pour it so gracefully.

Aah!

That's smooth.

How about another drink on the house?

Don't mind if I do.

Gracious. Here's to you.

Aah!

Oh, that's great whisky.

Do you believe I haven't had

A drink of whisky in years?

We serve nothing but the best, sir.

It's been aged for a solid week.

Ooh. Think I'll have another round.

How much do I owe you?

Well, let's see, that's, uh, drinks on the house,

And one that you bought yourself,

I'd say that's, uh, $ , , sir.

Oh, it's, uh, reasonable enough.

I'll just give you my i.o.u.

There you are.

Thank you, sir.

My signature. Thanks.

There you go.

You know, I haven't had a bath in years.

I know.

[Mumbles]

Marshal?

Keep your hands where I can see 'em.

Oh. Oh, marshal. It's just me.

Sweet little warm-hearted girl

Of the golden west me.

Why are you crying, mary ann?

Will you have a little drink on me?

Would you like a little drink?

Oh, dare I say it in front of a stranger?

Well, I'm not a stranger.

I'm a friend of your father's.

Was.

You mean, he passed over?

Helped by the apache.

Well, your mother and me, we were kind of friendly.

Pushed out by the cherokee.

Your brother, tom?

Sioux.

Your sister, emily?

Navajo.

Your dear, sweet, innocent little grandmother?

sh*t by the marshal.

Well, you can't win 'em all.

Never mind them killings, honey.

Why... Why all them tears?

I need $ , to help save my ranch.

Is that all that's bugging you, boopie?

I'm gonna lay a little i.o.u. On you here

For... Help me.

I've kind of got the shakes, you understand?

Here you are.

Oh, thank you, kind sir.

You know I haven't had a bath in years?

[Sniffs] I know.

Gamblin', that's what I like.

Stranger, you, uh, mind if I sit in here?

I reckon there's enough room.

You know, I haven't had a bath in years.

We know.

What's your game, partner?

Card monte is my game.

Cut 'em.

There, I cut 'em.

Wait a minute. Cards for card monte?

Everything has gone up.

I bet , .

I'll give you an i.o.u.

I'll just... I'll just cover that.

It's a little soggy.

Aces. Hold it.

I've got aces.

Oh. Just like you said. Everything's gone up here.

Uh, it's been kind of a long game.

I think I'm gonna turn in.

Now, how about paying me the , you owe me?

Well, I gave you my i.o.u. Right there.

Sure, but how do I know that's good?

Well, I've got a million dollar mine,

I've got a piece of paper to prove it.

I ain't seen no piece of paper.

Well, i... I got it on me, if you'll just...

Watch it.

I got it. I lost it! I lost it!

A likely story.

No, but I had it! I had it!

Marshal!

What are we gonna do about this man?

You're under arrest.

I've got a better idea.

Let's hang the desert rat.

Oh, he deserves it, giving the girl

Of the golden west a bum i.o.u.

Well, somebody's gotta do something for me.

I'll do something for you.

Oh, thank you. I sure needed that.

Wait a minute, marshal.

You gotta help me.

Marshal? What marshal? I was the fellow

You owe $ , to.

Well, you can't hang me,

'Cause I can't prove I'm a millionaire!

Who are you deceiving now, howell?

I had a piece of paper, but I lost it.

That was the worst crime of all.

Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me!

Save me! Lovey!

Lovey, save me! Save me!

Thurston. Thurston. You're having a bad dream.

Oh, I know. Wake up.

I know. It was terrible.

I haven't time to tell you.

I must get to gilligan right away.

Here, take teddy.

Gilligan, my boy. Wake up. Wake up.

Who is it? What did I do now?

You didn't do anything. Everything's perf...

Thurston had a bad dream,

And he wants to tell you about it.

Did you see one of those monsters?

Those big hairy monsters that grab you around the throat?

Gilligan.

That argentine sweepstakes ticket that you lost.

Oh, yeah. I lost it real good.

Yes. Was it about inches long and inches wide?

Yep. Was it orange colored?

Yep. [Laughing]

And was the number g ?

Yeah, mr. Howell. That's it.

Oh, thurston. You found the ticket.

Yeah, and you found it in the first place you looked.

Well, just don't lie there.

Tell your friends they're back in the club.

Get along. That's it.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Hey, mr. Howell? Don't lose that ticket.

It's a son of a g*n to find.

Don't I know it?

Thurston, how much is

A -year-old sweepstakes ticket worth?

Not a cent, but don't tell anyone.

It's our little secret.

Oh, darling.

I always knew you had a heart.

Yeah, remind me to speak to the professor.

There must be a painless way

To turn it back to stone.

Ah, ha ha. Good sh*t.

I missed.

Bad for you. Good for me, that is.

Let's get on with the game.

It's in my honor...

Radio: we interrupt our musical program

To bring you this news item from the united states.

The winner of the one million non-taxable dollar

Grand sweepstakes prize will leave

For buenos aries tonight by jetliner

To pick up his cashier's check.

When contacted at his home in peeling, vermont,

Mr. Hugo abernathy attributed his success

To clean living and a lifetime of gambling.

Gilligan, your mouth is open.

You knew. All along, you knew.

That it was last year's sweepstakes ticket? Yes.

And you let me back in the club and all the others, too?

Let's get on with the game, shall we?

Mr. Howell? You're not a mean, rotten, scary guy.

You're a real nice guy.

Well, that's one flaw

In an otherwise sterling character.

If you dare breathe one word... I won't.

I'll boil you in coconut oil

And serve you with an apple in your mouth.

Let's get on with the game. Better yet, caddy!

Now you're talking and acting like the mr. Howell I know.

Shut up, will you?!

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make ♪

♪ The best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate ♪

♪ And his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In their tropic island nest ♪

♪ No phone, no light ♪

♪ No motor cars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪