02x07 - Castaways Pictures Presents

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Gilligan's Island". Aired: September 26, 1964 – April 17, 1967.*
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Series follows the comic adventures of seven castaways as they try to survive on an island where they are shipwrecked.
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02x07 - Castaways Pictures Presents

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Just sit right back ♪

♪ And you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailing man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day ♪

♪ For a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire ♪

♪ And his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on... ♪

Skipper!

Skipper!

Professor, I saw a ship!

Where is everybody?

Skipper, professor, I saw a ship!

Who's that, gilligan?

What's he yelling about now?

I don't know, professor.

Something about he saw a ship, or...

Saw a ship?

Gilligan saw a ship, professor!

Gilligan saw a ship!

Gilligan: come on. Come on!

Come over here. Look.

Where is it, gilligan? Where?

It's right out there. I saw it plain as day.

Out where, gilligan? I don't see anything.

You're not looking in the right place.

Look a little more over there, see?

How big was it? How many people were on it?

There was nobody on it. It's an abandoned ship.

Abandoned?

Gilligan, where exactly did you see this ship?

Well, you see, it's right out there.

You look over to the left,

And now straight down.

Straight down?

Gilligan, you mean you saw a sunken ship?

Oh, gilligan.

Well now, listen, gilligan.

How far down was she? I mean, how many feet?

Oh, professor, in navy circles,

We don't say feet, we say fathoms.

All right, how many fathoms?

I don't know. About feet.

Skipper, if she's not too badly damaged,

We might be able to raise her.

Sure, and sail her back to the mainland!

It oughta be real easy. She only has a hole

In her the size of a -pound rutabaga.

A -pound what?

It's kinda like a turnip, skipper.

You slice it up and put onions and butter...

Oh, never mind.

My aunt martha could take a rutabaga, slice it up and...

Gilligan, we're not here to hear about a recipe.

For goodness sakes, we gotta check out this hull.

Yes, gilligan. Your discovery of this submerged vessel

May well be instrumental in securing for us

Deliverance from our enforced isolation.

Yeah, not only that... What'd he say?

Good thing the water's so clear.

It makes the job of salvaging that much easier.

He's coming up.

Well, skipper, what do you think?

That gilligan's right, professor.

There's a big hole in the port side,

But the starboard side is the bigger problem.

What's that?

Well, there isn't any starboard side.

Oh, dear. Well, that makes salvaging

Out of the question.

I'm afraid so.

But while I was down there,

I looked into the hold.

There's a couple of big boxes that maybe we can salvage.

Well, let's get 'em up, skipper.

There might be something good in there,

Like, you know, tv, radio, comic books.

Oh, professor, isn't there something you can do with this guy?

Oh, please, fellas. You know, there just may be something

In those boxes we can use to help

Get ourselves off this island.

We'll start salvaging operations in the morning.

You've done a wonderful job, skipper. Come on.

Up in the raft.

Thanks, professor.

Well, gilligan, give me a hand.

I think I'm gonna need a little help, professor.

All right. I'll take the back.

Gilligan, you take the front.

Right.

Skipper, could you kind of

Push your chest back into position.

My chest?

This part of it.

Very funny.

Well, you are a little overweight, skipper.

I'm not overweight.

I just have big bones.

And they're covered with big meat.

Gilligan.

Oh, it's no use.

I couldn't get into this suit, either.

I can!

I don't think we have any choice.

I think you're right. Skipper, take it off.

We'll put it onto gilligan.

Oh, it's just as fat going down

As it was coming up.

[Grunts]

Now remember, ladies.

Each of you has a job to do.

Mary ann, you'll do the pumping that generates the air.

Right.

Ginger, keep your eye on the air lines.

Make sure they don't get tangled.

Right.

And mrs. Howell... Right.

I didn't say anything yet.

Come on, skipper.

No, gilligan.

Oh, come on.

Gilligan, I've changed my mind.

Ah, you're being silly.

Gilligan, no! And that's final!

Hey, professor, see what you can do, huh?

Skipper, we've gotta do this at the warmest part of the day,

And that's right now. Now come on.

Oh, all right.

If anybody laughs, I'm gonna quit.

Now, skipper, this is a very important task we're undertaking,

And you're gonna need those longies for warmth.

Don't forget, it's cold down there,

And keep your flap closed.

You keep your flap closed, gilligan,

Or I'll close it for you.

Don't look, mary ann.

Hello, ladies.

Mrs. Howell: oh, really.

Mr. Howell. Yes.

You take one air line, and I'll take the other.

Roger.

Mr. Howell, that's air force talk, not navy.

Talk to me about navy.

I'm more at home on a boat than anyone else.

Well, I think I'll go aft.

Aah!

I've been scuttled!

If you're not getting a steady flow of air,

I want you to surface.

You can count on that, professor.

The girls are willing and ready to go, professor.

All right, mary ann! Start pumping!

Start pumping, mary ann.

Now I want you to test your air line, gilligan.

Here, skipper.

Comes in the back of your suit

And goes to your mouthpiece.

See if you're getting air.

Good.

All right. Submerge.

Now, mr. Howell,

You keep your eye on gilligan's air line.

Yeah, I'll give it my undivided attention.

I just hope we finish before cocktail time.

Just make sure that line doesn't get tangled.

I've had a lot of experience in scuba diving in my pool.

Must be a very large pool.

Large? Last year we had a hurricane. Em, of course.

Couple of japanese fishermen,

And the salmon were at the diving board to spawn.

Gilligan: help!

Gilligan! Good heavens!

This is no time for pranks!

Help!

Help!

There must be a leak in the air line.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I know how to remedy this, professor! Hold on!

Never mind that, gilligan.

Go over and help the girls.

Howell: let's go over here. Skipper.

You're getting it.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

A crate full of crazy costumes!

Look!

Oh, isn't this the end!

Look, a camera!

It's a motion picture camera.

And here's some film to go with that camera, professor.

Oh, look, there's a name on the side.

"South sea film productions."

South sea film productions.

Wasn't that the company formed by fifi lafrance,

The famous movie vamp?

Yes, with her husband, ricardo laughingwell.

A handsome chap with a mustache.

Ricardo, I mean,

Though fifi had a bit of a one herself.

It all comes back to me now.

Fifi and ricardo were married

And sailed away on their honeymoon

To make a picture together.

Oh, it was so romantic.

Not a bad tax dodge, either.

Well, it must be their old abandoned yacht,

And this is silent picture equipment.

I just love those old silent pictures

And those marvelous silent picture stars.

Oh, look, darling. There's theda bara.

And there's little mary pickford.

And rudolph valentino.

Oh, hey, hey.

Ooh!

Hey, skipper, we can have some fun with these costumes.

Certainly we can have fun, gilligan,

But we're not here for fun.

We're here to get off the island.

It's just too bad we couldn't have found something we could use.

Well, perhaps we have, skipper.

Huh?

Listen, I have an idea how we can use this equipment

To get ourselves rescued.

Rescued? Yes. Now listen,

If you'll all gather round. Let me try to explain this.

Howell: watch your makeup. Don't get it wet.

Very important.

A dry makeup is a good makeup.

That's it! Splendid!

Splendid job of acting, skipper.

Professor: keep your face more toward camera.

I don't think this is gonna help us get rescued at all.

Leave the thinking to cecil b. Howell, will you?

I told you, skipper. This movie will show

How we got shipwrecked on the island.

We'll put the film on a raft,

And when people find it,

They'll see us stranded here on the island,

And they'll send help!

We'll release it as a feature.

We'll all make millions.

It'll work, skipper. Believe me, it will.

Well, I hope so, because this acting business

Is really exhausting.

Well, if you're tired,

Why don't you put me down?

All right, gilligan. I'll put you down.

Gilligan: whoa!

Howell: that's not in the script!

Now, remember, gilligan.

While the professor's emoting on the silver screen,

You are the cameraman.

Right. Any time you're ready, c.b.

Eyes and ears of the world, you understand?

Now, in this scene, ginger,

The professor has told you about his plan to make the movie

So we can all be rescued from the island,

And you show gratitude. You understand, girl?

Yes. Don't forget to photograph me

From the left, gilligan.

Right... I mean left.

That's right. Left, right?

Howell: gilligan, will you stop the marching?

Will you please make your entrance

From the hibiscus bush?

And, professor... I mean,

Any time you're ready, rock, baby.

Rock, baby?

Show-biz talk. Understand, pussycat?

Ha ha. Ready over there?

Quiet! Quiet up there, you birds!

Lights, action, camera.

Action!

Oh, there you are, professor.

Stop! Cut!

Cut, cut!

Son, you look so stupid!

Can't you just stand up?

You do it every day of your life.

But mr. Howell, the chair...

You are not playing the scene with a chair.

You're playing a scene with ginger.

Do you understand?

Yes, yes.

I know you do. All right,

Back in the bushes, my dear.

And remember the signal.

Ok, let's have some action.

From the top, as we say.

All right.

Camera.

Action!

Oh, there you are, professor.

Ginger!

Oh, professor, you're a genius.

I do have a rather high i.q.

This whole rescue plan was your idea.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

There must be some way I can thank you.

No thanks are necessary.

But there must be some way I can.

Well, if you insist,

The customary way will do.

Cut!

Cut.

Son, you don't show gratitude

On the silver screen by shaking hands.

You... You give a kiss, do you understand?

Oh.

A real, real kiss.

Oh. All right, now, pick it up lines

Before the gratitude shtick.

But there must be... Hey!

Wait till the director says action.

Yes, sir.

Quiet up there, birds.

All right.

All right. Quiet up there.

Action!

But there must be some way I can thank you.

Well, if you insist.

The customary way will do.

Cut!

What is the matter now?

You're turning your stupid head, don't you understand?

Well, kissing on the mouth is far from sanitary.

It can lead to all sorts of bacterial transfer.

Certainly make a kiss sound romantic like germ warfare!

Will you forget the science, professor,

And give her a real kiss.

All right, now, pick it up once again

From the gratitude shtick.

Lines before.

But there must be... Ginger!

Mustn't talk before I say action.

Sorry.

I know.

Quiet up there, you birds. Ready?

Action!

But there must be some way I can thank you.

Well, if you insist.

Wow, that sure is some kiss.

It's a doozy.

Gilligan, why aren't you working the camera?

No germ could live through that kiss!

They're gonna break the world kissing record.

World kissing record?

Yeah, held by skinny mulligan and florence oppenheimer.

Hours, minutes, and seconds.

Well, how could anyone possibly kiss that long?

Oh, it's easy.

They were chewing bubblegum and their braces locked.

Now in this scene, mary ann, I want to show

The everyday dangers that we face here on the island.

Are you ready?

Oh, right, mr. Howell. I come down the path,

The cannibal ties me to the stake,

He scares me, and I plead for my life.

Oh, you're going to be marvelous!

All right, back there.

And then we check over here.

Are you ready, cannibal?

[Speaks cannibal language]

[Mimics cannibal language]

Method actors! I tell you, never again.

All right, camera, lights, quiet up there,

And let's have action! Action!

♪ Here I go gathering nuts in may ♪

♪ Nuts in may ♪

Boo!

Cut!

What is this "boo" shtick?

You're a crazed savage!

You're terrifying! A real gestreit!

Now back to your respectives. That's it. Ready.

Lights, camera, action!

♪ Here I go gathering nuts in may ♪

♪ Nuts in may ♪

Grrrr!

Aah!

Oh.

Gilligan, my boy, forget the fruit!

But it's our dessert.

Scare! Scream!

Aaah!

Aah.

Oh! Oh!

No, no, no! Menace her! Menace her, boy!

Menace me, gilligan. Oh! Oh! Oh!

You're gonna be b*rned at the stake,

And smoke will get in your eyes and everything.

Stake her. Ooh, what a frightening actor.

Now, don't stand there. Tie her to the stake.

That's it.

Oh, kind sir. You have such a kind face.

How can I talk you out of doing this horrible deed?

Oh, do not harm me, cannibal!

Now... Now do your dance. The dance of death.

[Growling]

I'm gonna k*ll him.

Just be grateful it's a silent picture.

[Grunting]

Aaah!

Howell: cut!

Now, I repeat,


This is the most important scene in the picture.

The picture means nothing

Unless this scene has great impact.

It must have motivation.

It must have precise timing.

It must have...

Never mind all that static, mr. Howell.

All I want to do is show the approximate location of our island.

Actors! Temperamental children.

All right, get ready.

I've been ready for a half an hour.

Just what do you think you're doing?

I'm just standing.

Well, will you stand someplace else? Get out!

You can't talk to my little buddy like that!

I'm the director! I'll talk to anyone that I please.

All right, are you ready, cameraman?

As we say, camera, roll 'em, action.

This is hawaii.

Cut! Cut, cut, cut.

You've got to show emotion.

Joy of the impending voyage.

You don't know we're gonna have a terrible storm and a shipwreck.

All right now. Play it again.

Camera, lights, action!

This is hawaii.

We started to drift southeast,

And then the storm... Howell: wait a minute!

If you want people to find us,

You've got to give them a universal starting point,

Like fort knox!

Fort knox?

That's the only shrine my friends know.

Fort knox!

Mr. Howell, we are wasting film.

You're so right. Keep rolling! Keep rolling.

If you want a landmark, hollywood is here.

Hollywood?

For %, my agent will swim down here personally.

We oughta start with the nation's capital!

Washington, d.c.!

Washington, d.c.? I'm a republican!

No one would ever find me there.

Mr. Howell, if you'll just listen to me,

We started from hawaii.

That's the best place to find us.

If lana turner was discovered in a soda fountain,

I can be discovered here.

Gilligan, operate this camera!

Now listen, we must approach...

Point the camera this way, please.

I want to send a few pictures to princess grace.

Hello, prince rainier and all you darling children!

Professor: gilligan, you turn that camera right back here.

Now, starting with peru...

[Everybody talks at once]

Now, before we roll the film,

I'd like to explain something.

Never mind the explanation.

Just get on with the film.

Please, mr. Howell.

I've heard of having previews

In out-of-the-way places, but this is ridiculous.

Oh, now, come on. Quiet, everybody.

Now you go ahead, professor.

Well, in the processing of this film,

I encountered what you might call a few technical difficulties.

Technical difficulties?

He means me.

Now just remember that the main object of this film

Is to get ourselves rescued, and that is its only purpose.

So if the quality of the film

From time to time appears to be inferior,

It's just that...

Never mind that. I can't stand late curtains

Or talky projectionists.

All right, gilligan.

Start pumping the projector.

Oh, noisy projectionist.

[Drumroll]

That should get our message across.

Well, already you've goofed.

Message pictures don't make any money.

Mary ann: oh, isn't that our island?

Skipper: yes.

Now if some sailor recognizes that,

We'll be found! We'll be rescued!

After all these months,

I don't know if I'd recognize a sailor.

Hey, skipper,

Here comes the part where you rescue everybody.

Skipper: quiet, everybody! Quiet!

Ginger: oh! That's me! Hello, skipper.

Skipper: what happened?

Uh, technical difficulties, skipper.

I'm walking on my head!

Hey, that's great, skipper.

I never even saw that on the ed sullivan show.

Ginger: why am I moving so slow?

Professor: a technical problem.

Wait a minute! I... I didn't say print that!

Ginger: why am I moving so fast?

Professor: well, it's a silent picture, ginger.

I don't think you should see this, lovey.

Heh heh heh. It's for adults.

I've never been so... Never get legional.

How'd you learn to hold your breath that long?

Professor: I used to be a scuba diver.

Sure it wasn't siphoning gasoline during the w*r?

Howell: gilligan, I said close-ups.

I remember saying distin... Close-ups!

Oh, they're coming up, mr. Howell.

Ginger: and it's one eye!

What... I...

Oh, gilligan, you ruined the whole scene.

Well, the, uh, the camera was still,

But you kept moving.

Skipper: whose ear is that?

Professor: i... I think it's mine.

Howell: what's that horrible thing?

Gilligan: ginger's mouth.

Ginger: oh!

I asked for a love scene, not an anatomy lesson.

Skipper: what's that?

That's my hand.

I got it in front of the camera.

Oh, it's really quite difficult to follow the plot.

Well, the plot's not important, mrs. Howell.

It's the island, the people, and the danger we're in.

Yeah, like the part that's coming up now,

Where I play a savage cannibal.

Mary ann: ooh, and that's my best part.

Professor: yes, unfortunately, it's also the part

Where gilligan opened the door to the darkroom.

Skipper: what's that?

Howell: good heavens. X-rays.

Professor: as I said, mr. Howell,

There are great problems connected with this picture.

It isn't even good enough

For the late, late, late, late, late show.

Gilligan: oh, here comes the part now

Where we show where our island's located.

Mrs. Howell: oh, darling, there I am.

Look. Look at me!

Howell: yes, you look absolutely ravishing.

Howell: cut the film!

Professor: well, that's the end.

Boy, that's the end, all right.

Oh, and it's awful.

It's enough to make a boy and a girl

Leave a drive-in movie.

I'd walk out on that picture

Even on an airplane.

Professor: please, now listen, everyone.

The main purpose of this film is to get ourselves rescued.

He's right. Now let's get it

All nice and wrapped real airtight.

We'll put it on a raft,

And hope somebody finds it.

Couldn't we see it again?

I love a picture where I know the ending.

Mr. Howell: take my name off it, that's all...

Radio: in saturday's game, the slippery rock teachers

Squeaked by the polytech institute

To a crucial win of to nothing.

Hi, everybody.

Be quiet.

We're listening to the news.

Radio: oh, here's a late bulletin

On that mysterious film washed ashore on a raft.

Hey, did you hear that? They found our film!

That's wonderful!

My career! I'm ruined!

We're gonna be rescued!

Radio: this film, made by unknowns,

Was the unanimous choice for first prize

At the cannes film festival.

In a statement released today,

The film was described as a work of genius.

Particularly effective were the numerous blacked-out scenes,

Where the audience was left to use its imagination.

Though it was anonymously submitted,

The committee is quite certain the film is either

The work of the swedish master ingmar bergman,

Or that italian genius, vittorio de sica,

Or possibly it was the combined effort of both.

It was felt that this ultra-modern example

Of surrealism will bring back silent pictures.

Well, whoever is responsible for this masterpiece,

Your prize is waiting.

All you have to do is come to cannes and get it.

You hear that?

We won the festival.

First prize!

Maybe it's a motorcycle! [Makes revving noises]

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make ♪

♪ The best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In their tropic island nest ♪

♪ No phone ♪ ♪ no lights ♪

♪ No motor cars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪
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