05x21 - Help, Help, a Shark

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Hi, Roge. The general's
not in his office

and he doesn't respond
to the page.

Maybe he's testing out
the new wind tunnel.

You can't hear a thing in there.

[♪]

Four hundred and eighty-six.

Fourteen more balls,

and for the first time
in 25 years, I win.

You haven't beaten me yet,
you old windbag.

Oh?

Let the master here...

[CHUCKLES]

Ah.

[BALLS CLACKING]

Yeah.

The general's
in the recreation hall.

I'm just going there now.

It'll be a good time to ask him.

He'll be relaxing.

[BALLS CLACKING]

[LAUGHS] Drat.

Too bad, Chuck,

you were never any good
under pressure.

[CACKLES]

What did you want to ask
General Schaeffer?

I promised Jeannie
I'd take her to Bermuda,

and I was hoping the general
would give me the week off.

There shouldn't be any problem.
Yeah.

Well, one more after this,

and it's game, set and match

to me.

[♪]

Well, this is it, Charlie.

Well, master,
did you ask him yet? Hm?

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHING] Oh, you gotta be...

Oh!

Your ball, sir.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

I'm sorry, sir.

If there's any way I could
make it up to you,

I'd certainly try...
There is no way, major.

No way in the world.

This just wasn't any pool game.

If I had beaten Fitzhugh,

I'd be eligible for the National
All-m*llitary Tournament.

The dream of my life.

But no.

You had to yell.

Why, major? Why?

Uh, well, I-I really don't think
this is the moment for it, sir.

This isn't the moment?

Major, 10 minutes ago
in the recreation hall,

that wasn't the moment!
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Now, get it off your chest!

I'm gonna be busy the rest
of the day... moping.

Well, sir, uh,
I was wondering if you...

You could see your way

clear to giving me
the rest of the week off.

Request denied.

I thought that's what you'd say.

Anything else?
No, no, that's about all.

Unless, of course,
if I could ask you again

when you're perhaps
in a better mood, sir.

Just because I sh*t pool
with Charlie Fitzhugh

for 25 years

and you made me lose
the only chance I ever had

of b*ating him,

you don't think I'd let that

influence my judgment, do you?

No, sir. You've always been
a very fair man.

Good. I'm very glad
to hear that.

It's very important to me,
very important.

Request denied!

Oh, excuse me, sir.

For heaven's sakes, major,
what made you yell like that?

Well, master, did he say yes?

Did he say yes?
Hm, hm, hm?

Just when the general
was about to...

[SCREAMS] Oh!

Oh, excuse me.

I'll put the question
another way:

What is the matter with you?

One of those cleaning tags, sir,
with the little points on it.

It's sticking into me here.

Then why don't you take it out?

Or do you intend to go about
the base shrieking all day?

Oh, no, I'm gonna
take it out, sir. Get out.

Uh, if you'll excuse me, sir.

Yes.

Darling.
[SCREAMS]

Oh, where did you come from,
Jeannie?

You startled me.

She has a habit
of doing that, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Dr. Bellows.

Oh, that's all right.
Nice seeing you, Jeannie.

Excuse me.
Yes. Bye.

Well, darling,
did the general say yes? Hm?

Uh, not in so many words. No.

Oh, Anthony, why do you not wait

until he is in a better mood
and then ask him again? Hm?

Well, I'm afraid
if I waited that long,

we'd both be too old
to go to Bermuda.

To be absolutely fair, sir,

if I hadn't startled
General Schaeffer

when he was making
his last sh*t,

he would have won, wouldn't he?

Heh-heh. That's his tough luck.

Here. Care to take a cue?

Oh, no, I don't play at all.

Come on, it's good
for your concentration.

No, I really don't play
very well at all.

The eight ball
in the side pocket.

Right over there.

All right.

[SCREAMS]
[CLATTERING]

See what I mean
about concentration?

You can do anything you want
to try to foul me up.

Laugh. Jump up and down. Scream.

Holler. It doesn't mean a thing.

[CHUCKLES]

See what I mean? Over here.
Yeah, that's great.

If you'd just reconsider.

You and General Schaeffer
have been friends for years.

That's right.
We go back to '44.

It was his squadron
against my squadron.

Now it's NASA Houston
against NASA Cocoa Beach.

NASA Houston,
winner and still champion.

Heh. Well, I sure wish
you'd change your mind, sir.

Major Nelson, did, uh,

General Schaeffer send you here?

No, sir.
He doesn't know I'm here.

I have to leave for Houston
at 6:00 in the morning.

If he wants to play tonight,
I'll give him another chance.

No holds barred.

Really? You mean it?
Yeah, 200 balls.

Oh, really, sir? I'll tell him.

[GRUNTS]

I'm sorry. Here.
I'm awfully sorry.

[♪]

Tonight I'll m*rder him.

Ha-ha. I'll really destroy him.

TONY:
I... I'm sure...

I... I don't take charity
from Chuck Fitzhugh.

Oh, sir, it's not charity.

General Fitzhugh just realized
that he won by a fluke,

that's all.

Well, it isn't just me, it's...

It's the honor of the base, huh?
That's right, sir.

Now, you wouldn't want me
to let, uh,

Chuck go back to Houston

and say that NASA Cocoa Beach
couldn't sh**t pool.

No, sir. Couldn't let
that happen.

And there's a cup involved,

a beer stein from
our 8th Air Force days.

No, I want that cup
for our own display case.

We're all counting on you
to get it back for us, sir.

I'll do it.

You tell General Fitzhugh to
meet me at the rec hall at 8:00.

Right, sir.
No, no, no, no. I'll tell him.

All right.

Oh, and, uh, by the way,
Major Nelson...

Yes, sir?
...About your leave?

Mm-hm?
I'm reconsidering it.

Thank you.
Oh, you wait here.

Yes, sir.

[LAUGHS, YELPS]

Did you ask him again?
Would you please get outta here?

By the way, thank you.
Ah! Yes, sir.

SCHAEFFER:
No!

[♪]

I am sorry, master,
but I was so excited

about going to Bermuda
that I-I could not wait to hear.

Yeah, well, you might as well
forget about Bermuda.

The way General Schaeffer feels,
I'll be lucky if he lets me

have the night off
to go to the movies.

How is his hand?
I don't know.

He wouldn't let me go with him
to see Dr. Bellows.

ROGER:
Oh, hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, Roge.
I thought I'd come over

and cheer you up.
How's General Schaeffer?

Well, he's all right,
but just don't come near me.

What's the matter?
If you're the jinx he says,

I don't want you to touch me,
that's all.

My master is not a jinx.
It is I who caused the trouble.

I always cause problems.

Well, with you
I'll take the chance.

How about Schaeffer's hand?
What's the matter?

His hand? He broke it,
that's what's wrong.

He's not gonna be able
to play pool in six weeks.

Oh, boy, I feel terrible
about that.

Think of it this way:
With a broken hand,

he won't be able
to break your neck.

Oh, I have a fantastically
brilliant idea.

I'm all ears.

Suppose you take
General Schaeffer's place,

and I would help you to win,

then Schaeffer will get his cup

and we will go to Bermuda.

Forget it.
[DOOR CLOSES]

Hello, Jeannie,
Major Nelson, Major Healey.

Hello, Dr. Bellows.
I, um...

I just left General Schaeffer.

He's about to...
That poor man.

I do not blame him for not
letting us go to Bermuda.

Oh, uh, I'm afraid there's more.

The orbiting laboratory

we're planning to launch,

where the astronauts plan
to live for, uh, six months...

Six months? Now, for that
I would blame him.

No, you misunderstand.

He doesn't want Major Nelson

to go on
the orbiting laboratory.

He wants him to monitor from
the North Pole tracking station.

Well, that is much too harsh
a punishment.

Yeah, well, Tony, I hope
you enjoy your new partner.

The general doesn't see it
as a punishment.

He just feels that, uh, uh,
NASA should be protected

from Major Nelson for a while.

Yeah, well, don't worry about
a thing, Tony. I'll write.

No, there's no need to write.
You're gonna be there too. Heh.

I'll be right there.

Oh, well, uh, on the other hand,
I-I have a better idea.

Tony plays great.
Great... Great pool player.

He could take
General Schaeffer's place.

TONY:
Roger, that's ridiculous.

I haven't played pool in years.

I wouldn't know what to do.

Oh, darling,
do not be so modest.

You know you were
a regular pool trout.

A trout?

That's a pool shark.

[LAUGHS] She's always kidding.

I-I will show you.
This way, darling. Come on.

[♪]

[♪]

Go on, Anthony.

Show Dr. Bellows
how good you are, darling.

Oh, I don't know anything
about this.

Uh, Dr. Bellows, I don't know
the first thing about...

Come on, major, with your own
pool table in your house?

Pick up a stick.
A stick?

We don't have any sticks.
I don't think we have any.

[QUIETLY] The pool cues.
The pool cues.

Oh.
Major...

Where did that come from?

Uh, where'd they come from?

Oh, well, they...
Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie...

Oh, here you are, major.
Oh, thank you, sir.

I-I... Heh. I'm, uh,
really a-a rank amateur.

I really don't know
a lot about this.

Well, try. Just try.

Yes, try.
Yeah, try.

Uh, all right. The, uh,
eight ball in the side pocket.

Eight ball in the side pocket.

Eight ball in the side pocket.

Right.

[♪]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Not that side pocket.
Not that side pocket!

The table side pocket!

Major, what are you
yelling at Jeannie for?

It was Major Nelson
who made the mistake.

ROGER:
Yeah, but you...

Oh, well, uh... Yeah, well,
I'm a little edgy, sir.

That's... I'm sorry, Jeannie.

I think we better forget
the whole thing.

Good idea, sir.
If General Schaeffer was beaten,

you'd be humiliated.

Sir, I'd like to help, but I
just don't think I'm qualified.

Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

That was his first sh*t.
Anybody can make a mistake.

Anybody can make a mistake
on his first sh*t. Yeah.

Thanks, both of you.
I-I needed that.

Just try, okay?
Try. Try again.

All right, uh... Uh, in the...

In the corner pocket.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Not only will he make that one,
but he'll do the nine ball,

the seven ball, uh,
the six ball and the five ball.

Nine, seven, six and five ball.

I don't have a chance of making
the nine, the seven, the six.

I-I could maybe make
the one, two, six and 10.

TONY: Yeah, I could.
Do the six and the 15.

The nine, eight...
Nine, seven, six.

Oh, now, I could maybe make
the one, two, six...

Two, six, 15.

ROGER:
It's the nine ball, eight...

Nine ball, seven, six...

Nine, seven, six, five...

BELLOWS:
Please, major, will you try?

sh**t anything.

All right, sir.

[♪]

Extraordinary.

Absolutely extraordinary.

I'll go get the general.

Huh? Uh, sir,
wait a minute. Wait!

[CHUCKLES]

Major Nelson sh**t
for General Schaeffer?

I could b*at him blindfolded.

I'll take that bet.

Uh, please, Major Healey.

After all, general,

the terms of your bet
with General Schaeffer

were that the best
pool player at NASA Houston

would play the best
pool player at NASA Cocoa Beach.

Now, if Major Nelson wants
to play for General Schaeffer,

I can't see
what difference it makes.

Colonel, I came here
to defend this cup,

not to give pool lessons.

All right, bring on
your Major Nelson.

Good. I'll go get him.

Oh, uh, general.
Yeah?

Sir, uh, how would you like
to make this interesting?

It is interesting.
Uh, well, I mean...

I mean, how would you like
to make a little wager, huh?

Let's say my month's salary
against your month's salary?

Those are some odds.

You're only a major
and I'm a general.

Well, then how about
your month's salary

against my month's salary?

I have a feeling
that you're trying to hustle me.

Okay, you're on.

Oh, sorry.
[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry, sir.
[GRUMBLES]

You'd, uh, better look at it
while you have a chance.

After this match
it goes back to Houston.

[CHUCKLES]

We'll see.

[CHUCKLES]

Women at a pool match?

Oh, uh, Jeannie.

Why, thank you.

Oh, uh, excuse me, uh, general,

this is, uh,
Major Nelson's wife.

Jeannie,
this is General Fitzhugh.

How do you do?
How do you do, Mrs. Nelson?

No offense,
but, uh, pool is a man's game.

Oh, I am not going to play.

I came here to watch.

Now, look, if she stays,
the match is off.

Call it superstition
if you like,

but women and pool don't mix.

Oh, Jeannie, I'm awfully sorry,
but I'm afraid...

Jeannie, why don't you wait
in my office?

There's magazines...
No, I must stay.

Coffee in the machine.

Anthony!

Goodbye, Sunshine.

Hello, Frostbite.
What?

Wait a minute, wait.

She can't go!
Huh?

I mean, she can't go.

All right, let's get this show
on the road! Come on.

She can't go.
About that bet, sir...

What's the matter? Cold feet?

Yeah, cold feet,
cold nose, cold everything.

I'll give you the advantage.
I'll break.

Well...
What is that, a bridge?

Give me a cue there, will you?

I'll give it to you, sir.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

All right.
Call the game off.

Here you are, sir.
I'm sorry.

[♪]

Oh, dear, how can I blink

if I do not know
what I am blinking?

FITZHUGH:
Your sh*t, major.

[CHUCKLES]

Sir, there's no sh*t.

I... I couldn't possibly
get a ball in the hole.

That's the name of the game.

[SIGHS] No sh*t.

[♪]

Your sh*t, major.

Thirty-seven to nothing.

Do you think
we have a chance, sir?

Of course, if Nelson's
as good as you say he is.

You can sh**t.
Yes, sir. Just, uh...

Roger, could I have
some talcum, please?

I'm just trying
to line up the sh*ts.

Oops. There.
A problem with the top.

Hey, hey, hey.

[COUGHS]

[TONY COUGHS LOUDLY]

[♪]

Tsk. Oh...

Tsk. It is no good.
They would see me.

I know.

[GIGGLES]

The, uh, seven ball
in the corner pocket, sir.

Would you excuse me, sir?
Move back a little.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

The seven ball and six others.

That's incredible.

I told you, sir.

Did I do that?

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, money, money, money.

Oh, a general. Two-star general.
One month's salary.

Whew. Rich. Rich.
Money, money. Whew.

[MUTTERING]

[BALLS CLACKING]

I think he's a hustler.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, right. Ha-ha-ha.

I know he's a hustler.

Oh, money, money, money.

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Ah, one month's salary.

One month's salary.

How much does a general make?

He's a hustler's hustler.

[BALLS CLACKING]

Ha-ha!

How much does
a general make, sir?

Shh!
Shh.

He missed. He missed.
It's right under there.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Don't worry.
Three more balls and we've won.

Fitzhugh can't
possibly catch us.

[♪]

Oh, no.

I saw it go under there.
To the left.

Jeannie, what are you doing?
Get out.

Major!
Yes, sir? I'm here, sir.

I... I just wanted to get some,
uh, talc... Talcum powder.

Talcum powder. Talcum powder.

Oh, hey. Hey, what's...?
That's a good idea.

Here, put out your hand.
Put out your hand.

May I have your hand, sir?
I don't know.

[GROANS]

What in...? SCHAEFFER: Watch it!

Yes, major!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir,.

BELLOWS: Major Nelson,
where is the ball?

[QUIETLY] Jeannie, please,

wake up.

[COUGHING]

Jeannie.
BELLOWS: Major!

Wake up and get outta here.
[COUGHING]

Oh. W-w-what happened?

Would you blink outta here?

I don't care. Anywhere.

Yes, master.

BELLOWS: Major?
Coming.

Oh.

Where'd you go?

Come on, let's get on with it!

Ah, yes, sir.
Your sh*t, sir.

[YELPS]

Sorry, sir.

TONY: Would you like talcum?
FITZHUGH: Never mind. Please.

[GRUMBLING]

I had better let the general
catch up a little,

just to make it close.

Ah, gentlemen.

Yeah.

[BALLS CLACKING]

He's playing way over his head.

One ninety-nine.
One more ball and we're through.

Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah.

That is close enough, general.

Sorry, gentlemen, this is it.

Ha-ha! Like sh**ting fish
in a barrel.

He missed. He missed!
[LAUGHS]

You never were any good
under pressure.

Oh, come to papa, little cup.

Where's the cup?
Where's the cup, maj?

There we...

Heh-heh. You're going
to be all mine.

Well, I can't understand it.

It was the easiest sh*t
I've ever seen.

There was a... Heh. A setup.

Tony, finish him off, huh?

Jeannie's trapped
in the beer stein.

Oh, no. Well, it's an easy sh*t.

Do it yourself.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] Yeah.

That's one.
Two more to go.

Oh, one more to go.

One more and we've got it.
One more. One more.

[ROGER SIGHS]

Oh, wait a minute. I can't...

I can't take much more of this.

[SCREAMS]

General, what's...?
Something's in there.

Something moved.

Talk about cracking
under pressure.

Excuse me, major.
Just, uh... Heh.

Nice try, though.

[CHUCKLES]

Too bad, major.

Nice try.

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry, sir.

Anthony, darling, I'm so sorry.

It's, uh...
It's all my fault, Tony. I...

I don't know what came over me.

Well, I guess we're even, sir.

Chuck.

Thank you.

Major?
Uh, yes, sir? Thank you, sir.

I believe that, uh,
we had a little wager.

Uh, yes, sir.
I'm sorry about that.

All's... All's fair
in w*r and games, sir.

Mm-hm. Your salary against mine.

Yeah, your salary against mine.

Fourteen dollars?

Well, there was withholding.
Withholding?

And there was Social Security.
Social Security.

Pension plan.
Pension plan.

And, uh, flight insurance.

Flight insurance?
Yeah.

To the moon.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[♪]

[♪]