05x26 - My Master, the Chili King

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Oh, uh, hi,
did you lose something?

Yeah. Sure did.

Let me give you a hand.
What are we looking for anyway?

Well, that's...
That's darn neighborly of you.

It's my dad blamed ring.
Your ring, huh?

Yeah.

Uh, I looked in the buggy
here and, uh...

The buggy?
Yeah. My car here.

But, uh, I reckon I dropped it
out here someplace.

Hey, wait a minute.
Yeah.

Don't I recognize you
from someplace?

Well, I work here at NASA.
You probably saw me around here.

Oh, well, I got some kinfolk
working here at NASA.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, what do you know?
What?

Wait a minute.
What?

That reflection right there.

Wait a minute.

There it is.
Why, there it is.

Ha-ha.
How about that, huh?

Ain't that a beauty?

Yeah. That's a pretty ring,
all right.

That is the only square sapphire
east of the Mississippi.

Square sapphire?
Mm-hm.

But it don't go
on my finger right.

Oh.
See what I mean?

Too bad. I'm glad
you found it anyway.

Well,
I-I'll tell you what.

Well, I certainly do declare.

Lovely lifeline.

Let me try something here.

What are you doing?

I'm trying it on your finger,
see if it fits.

Wait a minute.

Now... Now, is that the way
it should look?

Yeah. That...
That does look kind of nice.

Since you're one of our boys
in uniform,

you give me 35
and we'll call it square.

Thirty-five dollars?

Mm-hm.
Thirty-five dollars.

Yeah, $35. Here you are.

I thank you.

Keep up the good work,
lieutenant.

I'll see you soon.

Thirty-five hundred dollar ring,
huh? Oh.

Oh, this time I did it.
Oh-ho-ho.

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

JEANNIE: Ooh-hoo,
Major Healey, hello.

Hi, Jeannie. Uh, how do
you like my new ring, huh?

Oh.
Well, I-it is beautiful. Heh.

I, uh, have never seen
one quite like it.

Yeah. Well,
it's a square sapphire.

It's the only one east
of the Mississippi.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
W-what?

Uh, w-wear it in good health.
Yeah. Thank you.

Nice talking to you.
Mm-hm. Bye-bye. Heh.

[♪]

[MAN SIGHS]

Excuse me, sir.
May I assist you?

Well, heh... Well, that's
right neighborly of you, ma'am.

It's just my goll dang
diamond cuff link. Heh.

Ooh, a diamond cuff link.
It must be quite valuable.

Yes. And...

[STAMMERS]

Jeannie Nelson?

Excuse me, ma'am,
but are you any relation

to Major Anthony Nelson?

Oh, no. No. He is my husband.

Your husband.
Well, I'll be horsewhipped.

I... I'm Arvel, his cousin.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Square sapphire?
Yeah.

But it's the only one east of
the Mississippi. Remember that.

Does it have a magic decoder?

Ah, don't be funny.
This is a very expensive ring.

You know, for secret messages
from d*ck Tracy and all that?

You kidding?
Know how much I paid for it?

How much?
It's a $3500 ring.

You know how much I paid for it?
I paid $35. That's clever.

You're lucky the guy wasn't
selling the Brooklyn Bridge.

Course my partners,
being shrewd businessmen,

won't let anybody else in.

But I said to them,
I 'told 'em, I said:

"Friends, if a man can't let
his own flesh and blood

"share in his good fortune,

why he just ain't
much of a man."

Well, that is very generous
of you, Cousin Arvel.

Well, I did what I could.

But you know something, Jeannie,

as much as I fought them,
they wouldn't let me take in

more than $1000.
One thousand dollars.

Well, it's not much, heh,
but it's the best I could do.

But, Jeannie,
it won't always be $1000.

No. It'll be a-building
and a-building.

And some day, why when...
When Cousin Tony

won't be as young as he is,

he'll be too old to fly
them moon rockets,

and all he'll have is that
pension to look forward to,

why there it'll be,
the greatest gift of them all.

Gift?
W-what kind of gift?

Financial security.

Oh. Financial security?

Mm-hm.

Do you really think
Anthony would like that?

Jeannie, Jeannie.
Heh-heh.

Why does a heifer like salt, hm?

Jeannie,
when a man has security,

why he's like a rattler
a-sunnin' hisself

on a flat rock,
not a care in the world.

Then I shall buy it for him.

Hm-hm.
Yes. He'd be like a... Hm?

I will not be but a moment.

Please do not go away. Heh.

[♪]

Well, Cousin Tony

not only married purty,

he married rich.

Hm-hm.

[♪]

Now, there's two possibilities:

Either she's really loaded

or she's plumb loco.

And if she's loco...
[DOOR OPENS]

Heh.

Here you are, Cousin Arvel.

I hope you do not mind gold.

I-if you do, I...
I can get you bills.

Oh, I have some more.
One moment please.

[CHUCKLES]

She's rich, and she's loco.

Gentleman, would you
bring those over here

so we can compare them.

BELLOWS: Here we go. Excuse me.

Oh, major, that's
a very interesting ring.

Thank you, sir.
Actually, that's a genuine...

It is interesting.
I haven't seen one like it

since I used to get them
out of cereal boxes.

[ALL LAUGH]

Takes you back, doesn't it?

Does it have a magic decoder?

Now, wait a minute. This happens
to be a very expensive ring.

I practically stole this
for $35.

Thirty-five dollars?
Y-you paid $35 for that?

Well...

I'm afraid
you've been taken, major.

I couldn't have, sir. I met
this guy in the lot by accident.

It was a NASA lot too.

What happened to our security?

Well, uh, sir, I'm sorry
Roger got swindled,

but these things happen.

Yeah. There's a sucker
born every minute.

SCHAEFFER: No, you don't
understand, gentlemen.

Since the space program has been
so much in the public eye,

it was only a question of time
before con men, swindlers and...

And phony speculators
descended on us.

Oh, general,
it's only a worthless ring.

Yeah.
A piece of junk.

SCHAEFFER: Of course, and next
comes the phony stock investments,

and the influence peddlers,

and the promoters trying
to get our astronauts

to endorse their products.

Right.

We're not allowed
to do that, sir.

Exactly, major. And I don't want
to give that a chance to happen.

I want that man caught so that
the rest of them will know

we're not an easy mark.
Mmm.

Major Healey,
we owe you a debt of gratitude

for bringing this
to our attention.

Well, just doing my job, sir.

Sounds like a snake-oil
salesman to me.

I wish he had sold me
some snake oil,

I could get this ring
off my finger.

W-wait a minute.
I think that's his car.

He must be here.
There's somebody in there.

Let's go.
Yeah.

[♪]

BOTH:
Gotcha!

Now that you've got me,

what do you plan to do with me?

Beans.
Beans, Cousin Jeannie.

Beans. Hm-hm!

Well, they... They... They smell
very good, Cousin Arvel, but...

B-but you did not have
to cook dinner.

Oh, well, I'm not cooking
to show off my culinary genius.

I am cooking these beans
to show you

where your financial security is.
Oh.

Well, I-I...
I do not understand.

Fried chicken, barbecued
spare ribs, fish and chips.

Why, folks have made a fortune
out of that stuff.

Well, I got here
one of the gone dangest recipes

for Texas chili beans that you
ever smacked your lips over.

And with your money
and my recipe,

why, we could make it famous.

Uh, ooh, that is... That is
what you wanted the money for?

For, uh, beans?

Come now, little lady,
don't you worry

your pretty head over that.
Now you just leave

the cooking and the business
to little ol' Arvel here.

[CHUCKLES]

Cousin Jeannie...
Cousin Arvel...

Oh, excuse me. Heh.

Ladies first.

Well, uh, p-perhaps
it would be a good idea

if we did not tell Anthony
about this just yet.

I, uh... I-I would like to have
his financial security be

a complete surprise.

You just took the words
right out of my mouth.

Oh, good. Good.
Good.

Ooh, hello, darling.
Hi.

Uh, well, I lit the fire,
I got a nice bottle of wine,

and if you turn on the music...
Oh, well, darling, uh, no.

I... I'm afraid not.
We... We have a guest.

A guest? Who?

Cousin Tony.
Lock up the silver.

What?
Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, is this not
a pleasant surprise?

Cousin Arvel came all the way
from Texas just to visit us.

Terrific.
I told you he'd be tickled.

Ha-ha. And I will show you
what a pleasant guest

I can be around the house.

I want you to wrap your lips
around some of the best

Texas chili north
of the Pecos. Ho-ho.

Uh, Arvel, how long are you
gonna be here?

Try this.
Oh...

How's that, son?

Is it not delicious?

Delicious.

What do you think of it?

"Cousin Tony's Texas Chili."

Oh. Oh, Cousin Arvel.

Why, that...
That is most generous of you.

Most generous, but... But...
But it is your recipe.

Jeannie, I just want to show
my gratitude.

Come here.
I wanna t-tell you something.

Sit here.
Sit down here.

Now, I have decided
that we're not only

gonna sell
our chili from stands,

we're gonna can it.

Ha-ho! Before I'm through,
Cousin Tony's face will be

in every supermarket
in the country. Huh?

Oh! Oh, how exciting.

How long will it take?

Well, with Tony's endorsement,

I reckon I could sign up
a canner in about half a minute.

His endorsement?
Did you talk to him and ask him?

Why, Jeannie,
don't you remember?

Don't you remember he said
it was delicious? Huh?

Oh, yes.
If that ain't an endorsement,

I don't know what is.

Right?
Yes.

Oh, by... Before I forget.

Now, not a word of this
until we can show him

a can with his face on it.

Okay?

[♪]

Oh.

It just goes to show you how
wrong you can be about people.

My master's face
in every supermarket.

I can hardly wait.

Oh!

[LAUGHS]

Why should I wait?

Whee!

[♪]

Cocoa Beach Supermarket,
NASA cafeteria, Food City.

Aha.

This is the last one.

Let's see.

May I help you find something,
ma'am?

Oh! Oh. Heh. Well, yes,
as a matter of fact, you can.

Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.

It is delicious.

Cousin Tony's?

I don't think
we carry that brand.

Just a moment please.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, well, never mind.
I found it.

Oh, yes, good. Good.

[♪]

Peculiar.
It isn't here on...

Pickles and ketchup.

Uh, and, oh, yes,
Alfred loves chili.

Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.

Oh, uh, may I see that
for a moment, please?

Oh, oh, yes, yes.
It's a new item.

It's quite delicious.

Cousin Tony.

Oh... Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you very much.

Oh, this is wonderful.
This is wonderful.

I put my master's face
in all the supermarkets

and the NASA cafeteria.

Why, I still have
a whole case left over.

ARVEL: Cousin Jeannie.
Cousin Jeannie!

In here, Cousin Arvel!

Yee-hoo! Ah, we done it.

We done it!

I just left the distributor,
and he told me

that he would take all
the Cousin Tony Texas Chili

that we could deliver.
Oh!

Now... Now all we gotta do

is put that stuff in...

cans.

Oh. Oh, well,
I-I have already done that.

And... And I have even put it
in the supermarkets too.

And I thought I was fast.

Cousin Jeannie, you...
You are a genius.

Oh.
W-what did you charge 'em?

Charge 'em?
Mm-hm.

Do you mean money?
Well, I don't mean rutabagas.

Sure, money. You...

You did charge?

Oh. Heh-heh.

Cousin Jeannie, I...
I-I wanna tell you something.

You see... You see,

the only way that we're gonna
get financial security for Tony

is by selling the chili
to the markets, see?

You see, and if we don't
get money for the chili, heh,

I mean, that ain't selling,
you know.

That's, uh...
Well, that's criminal.

I-I'm terribly sorry,
Cousin Arvel,

but I did not understand
about that part.

All right, now you... Now you
take me to all those places

where you put 'em,
and I'll make the deals, huh?

Very well.
Okay.

Cans.

Alfred, is it or isn't it?

It couldn't be.

Oh, Alfred, you just amaze me.
You really do.

I mean,
now here is a can that says,

"Cousin Tony's Texas Chili"
on it.

We have Major Nelson in
his cute little astronaut suit

smiling at us,
and you still say it isn't him?

But Major Nelson knows

that astronauts can't
endorse products.

He mentioned it himself.
Oh.

Well, that's nice. Well,
I want to mention one thing too.

If he can endorse chili,
you can endorse headache pills.

He's given you enough of them.

It's a joke. It must be
somebody's idea of a joke,

that's all.
Well, if it is, major,

it's in very poor taste.
Mm.

Do you realize what would happen
if Schaeffer got a look at this?

Yeah. We can't have
the general looking at that.

No, you don't, major.
This is evidence.

You're not gonna show that
to him without giving me

a chance to track down who's
responsible for it, are you?

Of course not, major.

But I'm going to keep it

until you do.
Huh?

I'm just going to lunch.
Anyone care to join me?

I'd love to, sir, but I'm...
I'm very busy right now.

Uh, yes. He's very busy.

We'd be delighted
to join you for lunch.

In your purse.

My purse?
In my purse?

Oh, well, he's speaking to me.

I think it's a good idea.

Why don't we go
to the cafeteria right now.

It gets so busy
this time of day.

Why don't you try the chili.
It's great.

Chili?
Yes, it's called

Cousin Tony's Texas Chi...

Oh, Alfred, this is ridiculous.

I have to tell him.

I was shopping
in the food mart today,

and I found this can
with Major Nelson's picture...

Are you people going to lunch
with me or not?

Yes, I'm going to lunch wi...
Y-yes. I'm going to lunch.

I'm suddenly very hungry
for chili.

Well, I... I think
I'll have seconds, g*ng.

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

Shh! I know a shortcut
to the cafeteria.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
I'm not that hungry.

[♪]

TONY: Are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.

Wait a minute. What do you
wanna do? I don't want seconds.

Wait.
We're on the second floor.

Oh!

You're an astronaut.

[♪]

Did you get all of 'em?

Yeah, I got all of 'em.

Why couldn't we eat
in the cafeteria?

It's only 30 cents a bowl
and a big bowl.

Because my picture is on
the front of it, that's why.

Hey, that does look like you.

Yeah. Jeannie, Jeannie,
I'm home.

Oh, and forget about lunch.
We brought it. Huh?

Jeannie!

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Jeannie.

Wait a minute. What's this?
Tony.

Huh?
Wait a minute.

I brought two boxes,
you brought a box.

Where'd this come from?
What?

Oh, that does look like you.

Let me see.
What's the matter?

Jeannie. Jeannie.
What?

I-I knew she had something
to do with this.

And I bet you Cousin Arvel
had something to do with it too.

Yeah. Who's Cousin Arvel?
Cousin Arvel?

Oh, he's the guy that sold you
this square sapphire.

The guy that sold me this?
Your cousin sold me the ring?

Yes. Uh, t-twice removed.
Twice removed?

H-here's the list of the...
Where they sold the chili.

NASA cafeteria, Food City.

We gotta get that stuff
off the shelf, man.

If that's your cousin,
I want my $35 back.

[HUMMING]

CLERK: Yes, I have
some right over here.

I put it right down...
Oh. Ha-ha.

This young lady is purchasing
some right now.

Miss! Don't buy that.

You won't like it. It's poison.
This stuff is just awful.

Really?
Removing it from the market.

Here, have some of that.
It's really a lot better.

Thank you for the tip.
This stuff is bleh!

How dare you badmouth our food?

That happens to be
one of our newest items,

and I just made a deal
with a manufacturer

who assures me that it's
the finest chili on the market.

Great. I'll take it. I'll
take it all. Here. Hold that.

I'll take all you got, huh?
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

You'll love it.
You'll come back for more.

All right.
Uh, just check me out.

[♪]

Miss.

Hi, miss. Uh...

I happen to be
the representative, uh,

for Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.

And, uh, these, uh, labels
happen to be very defective.

So we have to get these labels.
They go back to the company.

Now, this one here...
I noticed...

Do you shop here very often?
You're a very nice lady.

And you have very,
very lovely hair.

Now, isn't that prettier?
That's very, very nice.

Very good chili.

Well, it certainly has been
nice talking to you.

Have a nice shopping day. Bye.

Ahem.
Good chili. Very good.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Got everything?

[SIGHS]

[♪]

Oh, Major Nelson, I...
Amanda, what on earth?

You can't go through
Major Nelson's desk!

Alfred, I am tired
of being made a fool of.

Now, I know he switched
those cans on me.

I know it.
I'm going to find the can,

show it to the general to prove
to him I'm not crazy.

But, Amanda,
you promised the major.

Besides, they said they didn't
have any in the cafeteria.

They didn't say
they didn't have any.

They said they were out of it.

And there's a big difference.
Aha. I told you.

There it is, right here.
Amanda,

you're making a mistake.

Now, let me tell you...

Sergeant,
you owe us for one case

of Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.

Here you are.
I'll say it again.

I don't know where it came from
in the first place,

and I don't know where it went,
but I ain't about to pay you

for any chili that don't exist.
Oh.

It is a mystery,

but luckily
there is one case left.

[♪]

Oh, look, sergeant,
you must've missed it.

That's the craziest thing
I've ever seen.

[PHONE RINGING]

Sergeant,
this is General Schaeffer.

Sergeant, this may sound
like an odd question,

but do you have
any Cousin Tony's Texas Chili

in the cafeteria?

What?

You do?

Sergeant,
bring the case to my office.

And the man and woman too.

Well, if this is true,

Major Nelson is finished.

[♪]

Yeah, well, at least
we got 'em off the shelf.

When I find Jeannie,
I'll get her to blink the labels

off the cans
that people already bought.

Oh, Major Nelson.

Inside, please.
You have some explaining to do.

I was just...
Inside, major!

You too, Major Healey.

Hi, darling.
How are you? Ooh.

Sorry, sir.
Sorry.

I am astounded, major,

particularly after
yesterday's conversation.

Sir, if you just give me
a chance to explain,

I'm sure
I can clear this all up.

Well, general, the major did say
it was some sort of a joke.

A can of chili is a joke,
doctor.

A case is a court-martial.

Bring it here, sergeant.

A court-martial.
I do not understand.

What about this ring, Arvel?
Shh.

How about the Hong Kong flu?
Hm? Hm?

Open it up.

They'll be able to see one
if you don't blink the can out.

Oh, but, master,
they have your picture on...

Now.

Yes, master.

[♪]

What is that?!

That is the best Texas chili
north of the Pecos.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪]

Here you are, darling.

Oh, thanks, sweetheart.

Hey, this is not that, uh...
That stuff Arvel...

It is. Yes, it is.
It is chili.

But after all,
we have so much of it,

it is a shame to waste it.

It is perfectly good vitamins.
Shame to waste it.

Hi, everybody.
Hello, Major Healey.

Sorry.
Didn't know it was dinner.

Have a little chili.
Oh, sit down.

No, I'm up to here in chili.
I'll have some crackers though.

Oh, you ever get
that 35 bucks back from Arvel?

Oh, better than that,
he, uh, let me keep the ring,

and for $35 more,
he gave me this water opal

and threw in
the rhinestone cuff links.

Ooh, very nice.

Let me see that ring again.
Yeah.

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Calling
all cars, calling all cars.

Be on the lookout
for a green and white sedan

heading south on Boulevard A.
That's for me. I gotta go.

Wait.
Let me see this.

I haven't seen one of these
in 30 years.

[♪]