04x03 - Ol' Brown Eyes

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, man, that's beautiful.

Yeah, the guy
just put it in, Rollo.

My pop's really gonna be proud

of that window.

Mm, 35 years in
the same business.

That's heavy.

Yep, 35 years ago today,

my father started
this business, Rollo,

a poor man with nothing.

Yeah, looks like
he still hung on to it.

Hey, come on, Rollo. Don't
go putting it down, man.

I'm proud of my father.
Did you get the ring?

The ring? Shh!

Oh, is he... Is he home?

Yeah, he's upstairs

watching The Jackie
Robinson Story

for the 23rd time

on the Monday Morning Movie.

FRED: Slide, Jackie, slide!

He really takes that
picture seriously,

huh?

Here it is.

Ooh, ooh, Rollo. That is bad.

That's one of the best there is.

It's got 35 small
diamonds in the initials,

one for each year.

Yeah, and for the
price that we paid for it,

it was a steal.

That's close.

Hey, Rollo, you didn't...

If I didn't get this
on the up and up,

I hope lightning strikes me down

right now, this second.

Time's up.

Hey, son.

I thought I heard you
talking to somebody.

Hey, Mr. Sanford.

This is a very important
day for you, huh?

Why, are you going to Europe?

Hey, Pop. Rollo's
my friend, man.

Why don't you try and
make him feel at home?

I'm sorry, son.

Uh, Rollo, feel at home.

I do.

Well, would you do me a favor?

Certainly.

Will you take the garbage out?

Well, of course. Where is it?

In your shoes.

Watch yourself, man.

Hey, man, that's all right.
I was leaving anyway.

Hey, later.

How about never?

One dummy ain't
enough in this house.

You gotta bring
home Super Dummy.

Well, "Super Dummy"

chipped in with regular dummy

and some of your other friends

and we got you a little present.

Happy Anniversary, Pop.

Uh, where's the
present? Did you drop it?

I wanted to shake your hand.

Well, thanks.
Where's the present?

Hey, don't worry
about the present, Pop.

You'll get that
tonight. Oh, I know.

You're giving me
a surprise party,

but I don't like
surprise parties.

I just like the presents.

No, there's not gonna
be no surprise party.

Just a few of your friends
are coming over here tonight

for a little get-together.

Now, why'd you have
to tell me that for?

Because you just said
you don't like surprises.

But you're supposed to trick me.

See, you're supposed to
have a fake hernia att*ck

and then send me over to
Julio's to borrow his truss,

and when I get back,
all of y'all's in the kitchen

with valuable
presents piled this high.

This high?

This high?

Well, how high?

One?

Yeah, we all chipped in

and got you this one present.

Well, where is it?

You can't see it until tonight,
but if you come over here,

I'll show you the
present I got for you.

You mean you got another present

besides the one
you chipped in for?

That's right.

Listen, son, I hope
you didn't spend

too much money on
me, because you need it

for yourself and your future.

Where is it? I don't
see my Toyota.

There's writing all
over the window.

That's the present, Pop.

What is?

The window.

What the hell we
need a new window for?

Would you open the door

and take a look at
it? Look at the door.

You keep spending money
and spending money...

I don't know why... Oh, son...

That's beautiful.
That's beautiful.

Sanford and Son,
Established 1939.

I'll go outside
and see if it works.

Well, of course
the window works.

What do you mean?

Well, I'll just go outside
and look through the window,

and you hold up
that other present,

and I'll see if I
can see it clearly.

Hey, Pop, would you forget

about that other
present till tonight?

Now come on in the kitchen,

because I fixed you
a special breakfast.

Okay.

Lint.

Oh...

You're a good son, Lamont.

Yep.

Look at that, ham and eggs,

and cornbread with
Blue Bonnet on it.

And a... And a
yellow hand grenade.

That's a papaya.

Oh, a papaya.

Well, where's my pa-present?

Hey, Pop,

would you forget
about the present

and just enjoy your breakfast?

Listen, let me ask
you something.

Didn't you have to make
a pick-up around 10:00?

Oh, man, I almost
forgot about it.

Wow. Hey, Pop?

I want you to do me a favor.

What?

When I leave here, promise me

that you won't
look for the present.

I promise you I ain't looking

for no present.

Because if you find it,
you'd disappoint everybody.

I'm not gonna look
for nothing, son.

I promise you that. I ain't
gonna look for nothing.

Till you leave.

I can't help it if I
trip over a present.

Now, where could I
trip over a present?

Let's see, now.

Rollo came in...

They were talking, probably...

And I said, "Slide,
Jackie, slide!"

And came downstairs.

Then Rollo left,

and then... He
went in his pocket,

then we walked
around to the kitchen...

I was first, and... [LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

Bingo. Bingo.

Now, let's see. Rollo
brought it here, so...

It's probably the
world's smallest hubcap.

I shouldn't open it, though.

I promised Lamont
I wouldn't look for it.

So I shouldn't open it.

He trusts me...

But he ought to know
better than to trust me.

Wow.

Look at that. What
I've always wanted...

A signet ring with
my own initials.

Look at that! "F.S."

♪ If I didn't care ♪

♪ And would I be
sure That this is love ♪

♪ Beyond comp... ♪

[KNOCKING]

Well, that's it for
the dinner show.

Oh.

Hey, Fred.

Hey, Smitty, Hoppy,
how you feeling?

Best felicitations on
this auspicious day

commemorating the origination

of your very successful
entrepreneurial enterprise.

Come on in.

Say, Fred, I'm afraid

we've got some
disappointing news for you.

Uh, hold it, Smitty.

In other words, Fred,

we have some
disappointing news for you.

Listen, we're not gonna be able

to make that little
party of yours tonight.

We're gonna have to cancel out.

Uh, "86 it," as they
say in the streets.

The department's
putting us on a new shift.

We've got to cover
that big robbery

at the Royal Wilshire Hotel.

Yeah, the Tiptoe
Burglar struck again.

And y'all got to cover that?

Yeah, well, it wasn't
just an ordinary robbery.

No, no, this was
a very big tear-off.

Rip-off.

Oh, yeah. A rip-off.

As a matter of
fact, they ripped off

one of the most legendary stars

of stage, television, and radio

ever to grace his profession.

Don't tell me they
finally got Reverend Ike?

No, Frank Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra?

They really cleaned him out too.

Wallet, cufflinks,
watches, everything,

and to top it off, a
$50,000 signet ring.

Poor Sinatra.

Poor Sinatra...

He lost his wallet, his ring...

Lost his chance at
the vice-presidency.

♪ It's been a very bad year ♪

Yes, that's right, Mr. Sanford,

but happy anniversary to you,

and I'm sure you're
going to enjoy the gift

that we all chipped in for.

A gift?

For me? What a surprise.

And I know you're gonna love it.

Lamont's friend
Rollo picked it up

from one of his contacts.

Rollo's contacts?

Only way to contact his
contacts is to contact a warden.

Well, see you later, alley cat.

Alligator.

Oh, yeah, alligator.

"Gator" rhymes with "later."

Get in the car. Okay.

It's beautiful.

Sure wish Rollo didn't
have nothing to do with it.

♪ And would I be sure ♪

♪ That this is love? ♪

I should've been a singer.

Yeah, just like Frank Sinatra.

He got a ring with his
initials in diamonds all over,

just like mine. "F.S."

Yes, that's funny.

No, that ain't funny.

This is Frank
Sinatra's diamond ring.

Rollo stole it.

Rollo's the Tiptoe Burglar...

And Lamont is
receiving stolen goods.

He's going to jail.

My son's going to jail.

He's going to jail in
the prime of his life.

Oh, who's gonna drive the truck?

Who's gonna guard this empire?

I'd better get this ring
back to Frank Sinatra

and try to save Lamont.

Oh, goodness. But
first, one more time.

♪ And would I be sure... ♪

What are you doing?

I'm the valet... Oh.

I'm the valet,

and I was just returning
Mr. Sinatra's jacket.

See, I forgot my keys,

and I was just trying to
use... I was just using this, uh,

master pin.

Master pin?

That's a safety pin.

Well, that's a safety lock.

Do you have the key?

Can you open the door for me?

Yes, but where's his jacket?

Oh, here's his jacket.

This thing is Frank
Sinatra's jacket?

Yeah,

and he's got a pair
of pants to match it.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Me either, but
this is the jacket

that he does his act in.

You're kidding?

No, you ever hear him
sing "I Did It My Way?"

Oh, yeah.

Well, this is the
jacket he did it on.

Now, would you be so
kind to open the door for me?

Well... All right.

Uh, we're a little short
downstairs in the laundry.

FRED: Gee... The
royal suite. Sweet-ee.

Oh, it's fit for a king in here,

and there's the throne.

This is a nice place
here that Frank's got.

Sure knows how to live.

Look at that great
picture of Spiro T.

♪ Scooby-dooby-do
Scoo-dooby-dooby ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

I wonder where he
keeps his jewelry box?

Okay, that's it.
Hold it right there.

Wait a minute!

What are you talking about?

I'm delivering clothes.

Clothes? You call this clothes?

This looks like more
than clothes to me.

This looks like another
one of Frank Sinatra's rings

you were taking.

No, I wasn't taking it.

I was returning it.

See, I'm the valet.

Now, see that? It's
cleaned and pressed.

Okay, wise guy, if
you're returning it,

then who stole it?

Stole it? Stole what?

The ring.

Now, somebody stole the ring.

If you didn't do it,
somebody else did.

Now, who's in this with you?

No, I... I... Nobody.

I did it. I did it myself.

Aw, come on.

I think you're trying to
cover up for someone.

No, I ain't.

You expect me to believe

that you're the Tiptoe Burglar?

Well, I can prove it.

Now, if you're
taking me in, let's go.

Hey, that's it,
Bubba. That's perfect.

Hey, Lamont, you
sure you told your pop

there was gonna be a party?

Yeah, I told him
this morning, Bubba.

Hey, man, maybe he drank

one of your Bloody Marys, Bubba,

and crawled off
to a hole and d*ed.

Let me taste that, man.
What's the matter with...

What's wrong with
my Bloody Marys?

How did you make these, Bubba?

There's only one way
to make a Bloody Mary:

a bottle of vodka and
a bottle of ketchup.

I don't know where he could
be, Rollo. I really don't know, man.

Hey, man, maybe
he got kidnapped.

You know, everybody's
getting kidnapped lately.

Who would kidnap my father?

Some guy who don't
get bored too easy.

I don't understand it, man.

He left here at
10:00 this morning.

Man, don't worry.

He's probably on his
way here right now.

Come on, cool it.

Yeah, Lamont, long
as we're waiting,

how about showing us that ring?

Oh, yeah, that's a
good idea, Bubba.

It's gone.

It's gone? Where is it?

I don't know.

I put it in that
cushion this morning.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Pop, I'm here waiting for you.

You're gonna be a little late?

How late?

What do you mean,
"Get the calendar?"

♪ And would I be
sure That this is love ♪

♪ Beyond compare ♪

♪ Would all this be
true If I didn't care ♪

♪ For you? ♪♪

Yeah, yeah.

Right on, baby,
right on. Right on.

That was so good. So good.

You ought to hear me
sing with my ring on.

Tell me something.

What are you in
here for, anyway?

I'm in here for
"criminal innocence."

Oh? Oh, criminal innocence?

Yeah.

That sounds like a new one.

What kind of rap is that?

That's for returning
a stolen ring

to a fellow singer.

Oh... Oh!

You stole from one
of your buddy singers.

I didn't steal it. I
was returning it.

I was just protecting
someone who did.

Oh... Oh! Man!

Hey, why don't you
go back over there?

Your breath smells

like you've been
drinking Tidy Bowl.

Listen, in case
we get separated.

Why don't I give
you one of my cards,

because maybe I can
be of further service.

"Safety Babcock's
School of Driving."

OFFICER: Okay,
Fred Sanford. Let's go.

Come on.

Say, I want to confess.

It was a one-man job
and I'm the one man.

So you're the Tiptoe?

I'm Tiptoe, Fred Sanford.

Lamont Sanford didn't
have nothing to do with it.

He's a nice son.

He's on his way over here now.

You'll meet him later.

Mm-hmm.

He's coming over
from choir practice.

Sure.

And then, tonight, he's
gonna collect some money

for the March of Dimes.

That's a good
boy, I'm telling you.

Many times,

I saw him sit down
and just read the Bible

and draw pictures of Jack Webb.

Hey, Fred.

Hey, Smitty, Hoppy.

Do you know this guy?

Of course we know him,

otherwise would
we say, "Hey, Fred?"

You should have
picked up on that, Morry.

He's a friend of ours.

Yeah, really.

Hey, uh, listen, Morry,

could we talk to
him for a minute?

Sure, but keep
an eye on this ring.

Yeah, okay. Evidence.

All right.

Hey, Fred. What happened?

We heard you got picked
up on a four-five-nine,

breaking and entering.

That's true. Every number of it.

I can't believe you're
the Tiptoe Burglar.

Well, I am.

But how? The Tiptoe Burglar

struck in New York last week.

That was me.

Well, how did you
get to New York?

I tipped in.

Hey, Rollo, baby!
What's happening?

Hey, what's going on, Snake?

They got me on a bum rap, baby.

Drinking too much. Yeah.

Hey, Pop, what
are you doing here?

Lamont, go home.

Go home? Would somebody
tell me what's happening?

Bad news, Lamont.

Some of our men picked him up

at the Royal Wilshire
Hotel about an hour ago

in the possession
of some jewelry,

allegedly the property

of one Francis Albert Sinatra,

alias "Old Blue Eyes."

Hey, Hoppy, you've
got to be kidding, man.

There's got to be some mistake.

No, son, it's true. I did it.

Would you tell me

what's going on here, Smitty?

Now, Lamont, just relax
and let me handle this.

Now, Mr. Sanford, when did
you steal the alleged jewelry?

It's "allegedly
steal the jewelry."

Yeah, that's right.

I missed that on the exam too.

It cost me my straight
A at the Academy.

Well, see, I
stole it last night,

because I like to tiptoe
through the twilight.

But you were home last night.

Yeah, until you went to sleep.

Then when you went to sleep,
I tiptoed down to the hotel.

Smitty, what's he talking about?

This ring, Lamont.

He says he stole it
from Frank Sinatra.

He didn't steal that
ring from Frank Sinatra.

He got that from behind
the sofa at our house.

Listen, will you shut up?

You had nothing to do with it.

I stole it.

Me, not him. What's
wrong with you?

Listen... Oh, listen.

Lock me up. Lock me up.

Do you have an
intensive care cell?

Lamont, was this
ring in your house?

Yes, it was.

And I put it there. Not you. Me.

Pop, are you trying to
protect me from something?

Don't you know when to shut up?

Wait a minute. I know.

You think Rollo stole
that ring, don't you?

Rollo? Steal?

You think I'm involved in it

and you're trying to protect me.

Here's what I'm gonna tell you.

Let's remember that
everything you say

is gonna be held against
you... Like some of these.

Smitty, weren't you with Rollo

when he bought the ring?

Well, we met him

when he came out
of the jewelry store.

Is this that ring?

Yes, it is. Hey, Rollo.

Isn't this the ring you
bought for my Pop?

Yeah, that's the one.

There's 35 tiny
diamonds in the initials.

And where did you buy the ring?

Bob's Precious City.

Hey, you can call them
and verify it, Hoppy.

No, wait a minute.

There's an easier way
to prove it than that.

There's a jeweler's
glass in this drawer.

I can tell in a second
how much it's worth.

Now, we all know
what we paid for it.

Yeah, well, uh, see you later.

Uh, Rollo.

Uh, just a minute.

You're taking the ring.

Yeah, well, I was gonna

take it back and return it,

because it's tainted.

Rollo, let me have the ring.

Uh, brother Smith, look
at it through the glass

and tell us what's happening.

Uh-oh.

Oh, yeah, well, I'll
see you later, man.

Uh, Rollo...

Yeah. That's Frank
Sinatra's diamond ring.

This is nobody's diamond ring.

This is paste.

Paste? Paste? Paste?

Paste? Yeah, paste.

It's fake, phony,
glass. Worthless paste.

You mean to tell me

I've been doing my
imitation of the Ink Spots

with pasties?

You mean to tell
me all y'all chipped in

and couldn't give but $15?

The least you
could do is give me

a hundred-dollar diamond ring.

Well, actually, we did
pay more than $15 for it.

A lot more.

Hey, look, guys, you
gotta figure my overhead.

You know, like mileage,
phone calls, insurance...

Insurance? Now, insurance.

When the man's
right, he's right.

You're gonna need
some insurance,

because I'm thinking to perform

a four-five-nine.

What's a four-five-nine?

Breaking and
entering your skull.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it!

You want me to help you, son?

No, Pop. Look.

You've helped me
enough already this week.

I have been
wonderful, haven't I?

You really were, Pop.

You know, taking the
blame like that and all for me.

I was really moved.

Now, if you could move
Rollo out of your life,

then you'd be doing
something smart.

Hey, Pop, Rollo didn't
mean any harm, man.

Well, he's just no good.

I just don't want to see you
hanging around with him.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

Rollo.

Ain't no way you're
getting through that door.

I brought you a gift.

Uh, try the knob.

LAMONT: What's happening, Rollo?

Hey, yo.

Hey, pops, I know
how you feel, man,

and I'm very sorry,

so I brought you an
extra anniversary gift.

This is the gift?

Yeah, and that's not
an ordinary baseball.

Now, look at the signature.

"Jackie Robinson,
Ebbets Field, 1947."

Hey, that's beautiful, Rollo.

Yeah, I bought it
off of Leroy Whitney.

He used to be a
groundskeeper at Ebbets Field.

Hey, Rollo, that's real nice.

I thought you'd like it.

I think I feel a
little tear in my eye.

You deserve the best, pops.

Hey, Rollo, would you give
me a hand with this stuff?

You grab the little box here.

Hey, just a moment, Rollo.

How do you spell "Jackie"?

J-A-C-K-Y?

Yeah, that's right.

That's the way
you spell "Jackie,"

but that's not the way that
Jackie Robinson spells Jackie.

What's the difference?

The difference is that
you're a no-good cheating liar,

and on the other hand,
you're a no-good lying cheater.

You probably stole this
baseball off of some kid.

Well, all that might be true,

but that's one place
where I draw the line.

At least I don't go
around boring the world

with no jive imitation
of the Ink Spots.

What do you mean,

jive imitations
of the Ink Spots?

Wait a minute. You
forgot something.

What? This!

[♪♪♪]