04x17 - Strange Bedfellows

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Now
for our first caller.

You're on the air, sir.

CALLER: I want to complain
about that new factory

they've put up over
on Central Avenue.

Now, that's an ugly
building and an eyesore,

and among other things,

it's going to create parking
problems and traffic jams,

and for crying out loud,

haven't we got
enough smog already?

Oh! Did you hear that?

Oh, yeah, yeah... and
now for some music.

Oh, Lamont, don't you care

about what's happening
in your community?

Of course I care what's
happening in the community,

more specifically, the block,

narrowing it down, this house,

pinpointing it, this sofa,

and hitting it on the
head, this cushion.

Lamont, that factory

is right here in
this neighborhood.

As a matter of fact,

it's right down the street

on this very block.

Yeah, I know all about
that factory, Denise,

and that's terrific and
everything, but see, like,

there's a time and a
place for everything,

and this is the
time and the place.

Oh, Lamont,

you're a shallow,
uninvolved person.

I am not.

Look, if I wanted to, I
could call that station

and tell them a few
things, if I wanted to.

Well, so, go right ahead,

go on, tell them right now.

Oh, there's no way in the world

you're going to get me
to call up that radio station

and talk to them people
and make a fool of myself.

Lamont...

Ain't no way you're
going to get me to do that.

I would only give myself totally

to a man that gets
involved, really involved.

What's the number
of that station?

555-3211.

You want involvement?

I'll give you involvement...

Some involvement.

Hello, is this the
"Talk Back Show"?

Well, this is "Involved"
Sanford calling.

Am I on the air?

Good.

Well, I just want to say, I
want to make a comment

about that guy that
called about the factory.

Now, that factory
might be an ugly building

and an eyesore and everything,

but it takes millions of people

off unemployment and welfare
and gives them steady jobs.

In fact...

I would do all that I could

to encourage more
trade in the area...

To make jobs available
for people who want to work,

and give them steady
employment and pride and dignity

so they can hold
their heads up high.

It's one thing to have
trouble breathing,

and it's another thing
to have trouble eating!

That's all I want to say.
Thank you very much.

Come here!

Hi, son.

Hey, Pop, what
are you doing here?

I thought you and Grady
went to the drive-in movie.

We did, son, but
see, after the movie

they were going
to raffle off a turkey.

So?

So a lady left early
and backed over him.

Yeah, it was terrible.

They even took him to
the vet, but it was too late.

The poor thing was DOA.

That's Drumstick on Arrival.

Hey, it's getting
pretty late, you know?

You haven't introduced
us to your lady friend.

Denise, this is my
father, Fred Sanford,

and his friend Grady.

How do you do?

Hi. Hello, Dolly.

Yeah, it is getting
late, though.

Fred, I'll see you.

Lamont, take it...

Oh, and it's nice
meeting you, Dennis.

Denise.

Yeah, Denise.

Denise the Menise.

Hey, listen, man...

Denise, can I get you something?

Oh, no, thank you.

Well, would you
excuse us for a minute?

Sure.

Can I see you in
the kitchen, father?

Excuse us.

I just want to have a little
involvement with my dad.

Hey, man, what's
the matter with you?

Listen, son, I know
everything that's going on here,

and that's your business.

I was hoping you'd understand.

I mean, if you want to stay
down here, with that girl,

that's your business. Thank you.

If you want to be hugging
and kissing her all night,

that's your business.
I appreciate it.

But when she smacks your
face and the police come here

and arrest me for
harboring a sex maniac,

then that's my business,

so you get her
the hell out of here!

Hey, man, I'm not...

[WHISTLING]

Would you knock
off the whistling?

It's bothering me.

[CONTINUES WHISTLING]

Will you stop it?

I can't, son.

It's the theme song from
the movie I saw last night.

See, it was a science
fiction western.

It was called
Blazing Werewolves.

See, it's all about
this werewolf

that hid his six-sh**t
up under a wide flea collar.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hey, Mr. Sanford.

Hey, Lamont.

Listen, I've only got a second.

Yeah, your time is up.

Would you dig yourself, Pop?

Listen, as Confucius once said,

"If you don't want an order
of knuckles in your face,

then get your poking
noodles out of my place."

Hey, man, ignore him.

Ignore who?

Listen, man, I've
got to tell you,

I listened to you last night,
and it sounded fantastic.

I thought I told you to
get that girl out of here.

That's not what he's
talking about, Pop.

See, I called up the
"Talk Back Show"

and I said a few
things, that's all.

That's all?

Listen, I'm telling
you, it was terrific, man.

The whole neighborhood
is talking about it.

What did you say?

Well, I just, you know...

Oh, he was, like, angry.

He talked about old
people and unemployment

and ugly buildings...

Listen, son, if you
don't like it here,

why didn't you tell me?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I just wish everybody
would leave me alone, man.

I've got some work
to do around here.

I'll get this, son.
Don't worry about it.

I'll make them leave you alone.
Don't you worry about a thing.

You're Lamont Sanford...

Yes, I am. Who are you?

And you're perfect,
absolutely perfect!

Hey, wait a minute. I know you.

I saw you on television
at the last election.

You were on the
mayor's platform.

Correct.

Will you hold this
for me, please?

James Montgomery
Cambridge, mover of men,

past holder of public
office, servant to the people.

And who are you?

Fred G. Sanford, mover of junk,

present holder of
this stinking cigar,

and servant to this dummy.

Say, why don't you have a
seat there, Mr. Cambridge?

All right, thank you.

Say, you're the District
Committee Chairman, aren't you?

Correct, and we've learned

that the radio station reported
public opinion to your call

at 90% positive,
and all morning long,

my office has been having
phone calls, telegrams.

It's incredible.

Well, that's nice and
everything, but, you know...

"Nice"?

What do you think of
that, Mr. Sanford, huh?

Hold this.

Now, shove it up your nose.

Lamont, I'll get to the point.

You are the perfect
candidate to run for the office

of State Assemblyman
in this district.

Assemblyman? Me?

Hey, man, I didn't even
graduate from high school.

Oh, Lamont, that doesn't matter.

You're down to earth, young...

You're a breath of fresh air.

Maybe you should
run for deodorant.

Look, I appreciate

all the nice flowery speeches
you're making, Mr. Cambridge,

but I'm just not interested.

Now, Lamont, I beg
you to reconsider.

Your state is calling you.

No, man, definitely not.

Well, all right, I guess

I'll just have to cancel
your fund-raising dinner.

Uh, fund-raising?
Fund-raising...

Listen, son, your
state is calling you.

Now, hurry up and
answer before they hang up.

Lamont, by the
way, just in passing,

an assemblyman does
earn about 20,000 a year.

My son, serving his country
with honesty and youth,

serving his voters
with integrity and pride,

and serving his father

with a new truck and a color TV.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come right in. Welcome
to the black caucus.

Hey, everybody.

Say, Lamont, you mind
signing these postcards?

I promised the fellows
down at the barber shop

that I'd get your autograph.

Do you hear that, Lamont?

Why, every one
of those autographs

represents a vote.

And a dime.

You're charging a dime
for Lamont's autograph?

No, Fred.

That's what they offered.
The dime was their idea.

Why, that's magnificent.

I wanted a dollar.

Say, look, wait a minute.

Now, this whole thing
is getting all out of hand,

me being assemblyman
and signing autographs...

You're running for the assembly?

Hey, that's terrific, Lamont.
You can make a fortune.

You can make a fortune,

plus you get
$20,000-a-year salary.

Hey, Pop, would you
stop it? Now, just stop it.

Mr. Cambridge, the point is,

I'm just not
qualified for the job.

Qualified? What do
you mean, qualified?

The man is talking about
politics, not brain surgery.

Through one of my connections

at the Department
of Motor Vehicles,

I took the liberty

of having your
driver's license photo

put onto this poster.

Hey, Lamont, look at that.

It's just a picture.

Lamont, if you decide to
run, we'll put them up all over.

Why, every person
in this district

will have your face
embedded in their memory.

Well, it is a nice likeness...

A very good likeness.

Now, why don't you
reconsider it, huh?

Come on.

Yeah, come on,
Lamont. Yeah, son.

It's good for this district.

All right, I'll do it.

So you have decided to
answer the call, huh, son?

Yeah.

Mr. Cambridge, my son
is going to take the call.

Would you kindly
deposit $20,000, please?

Hey, son, it sure is
good to have you home.

You haven't been
home for dinner in weeks.

Mm-hmm.

Sure has been
lonesome around here.

Yeah.

You know, I fixed your favorite
dinner tonight, to celebrate.

I got steak, and onion rings,
and French fried potatoes.

You love all that.

Yeah, the French
fries, and the...

I got pig feet and chicken eyes.

I've got the favorite
stuff you like here...

Peach cobbler and grits,

and Grady's knees
and bended fleas.

Here you are, son, right there.

Gee, you finished already, huh?

I guess you were
so busy writing,

you didn't realize that
you had two helpings.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pop.

Listen, when we
move to Sacramento,

I'm going to get you a cook
to make it easier on you.

Move? Move where, move?

Well, if I become
an assemblyman,

we'll have to move
to Sacramento, Pop,

because the state
legislature is in the capital.

Move?

I ain't moving
nowhere. I like it here.

Then you can fly up and
see me every now and then.

Fly up? You mean,
you'd leave me here?

Fly up?

You'd like to fly
up? I'll fly you up.

I'll fly you up on
knuckle airline...

And I'll fly you up, fist class.

Oh, wow, look at the time.
I've got to get out of here.

You mean you're
going somewhere again?

Listen, son, you don't never
stay home like you used to.

Why don't you stay
home sometimes

so we can talk like we used to

and sit on the couch and
watch television and stuff?

We could stay home tonight

and watch a good
horror or something...

There's a monster picture
on tonight, your favorite.

It's called

Teenage Frankenstein
Meets the Acne Doctor.

Hey, Pop, look, man,

I got that debate
tonight on television

with Harriet Radner.

How could you forget that?

Well, if you can
forget your father,

I can forget a
television debate.

Oh, man, hey, look, I'm sorry.

Look, I know we haven't been
spending any time together,

but look, I promise you, Pop,
as soon as all of this is over,

we'll spend a lot of
time together, okay?

Hey, I got a good idea.

Why don't you come to
the station and watch me?

No, that's all right.
You go ahead.

I'll just stay
home and I'll wait

in case somebody calls,
you know, taking a poll

to find out who's the
lonesomest old man in town.

Well, I gotta be
running off, Pop.

Take care, now.

I ain't going nowhere.
Move to Sacramento...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come on in.

Hey, Fred.

Hey, Grady.

Hey, listen, Fred...

Grady, I don't know what to do.

I'm gonna miss Lamont so much.

Yeah, but listen, Fred...

When he moves up to Sacramento,

I'll be in this
house all by myself.

Yeah, but listen, Fred.

I feel so low... Listen, Fred...

And despondent. Fred!

I mean, geez, I'm
just depressed.

Well, listen, Fred,

the swinging Sandler sisters
are on their way over here.

I ain't never felt
this good. What?

The Sandler sisters
are coming over here?

Yeah.

When they coming over?
Well, any minute now.

Well, let's get together, get
some party stuff together.

Well, I got the party stuff.

I went out and got
some potato chips,

and a bag of pretzels,

and a whole bottle
of Silver Satin,

and I even got us some cigars

so that we can offer
the ladies our Tipparillos.

What we'll do,

we'll sit down and
pour us a little drink

so when they get here
we'll be looking cool.

Yeah, and suavé.

Yeah. Yeah, and swave.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

There they are.
Our little pigeons.

Right on time.

Two little pretty
pigeons. Come in...

Come in, pretty pigeons.

Welcome.

Hey, Grady, it must be magic.

Our two pretty pigeons
turned into an ugly buzzard.

Just as I thought...
Drinking, smoking,

and wallowing in
a snake-pit of evil.

Listen, cobra-face, what
are you doing here, anyway?

That's all right.
Don't tell me. I know.

You came here to
tell me and Grady

that you came in first at the
King Kong look-alike contest.

Fred Sanford, I am here
in my official capacity

to tell you that
Lamont has made me

Chairman of his Committee...

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

On Morality and Virtue.

Hey! Shut up, Grady.

Your son, as a politician,
cannot afford to associate

with an evil-doing father
and his heathenish friends,

so from now on, in this house,

there will be no more
drinking and no smoking.

Praise the Lord.

And pass the amm*nit*on.

You go ahead on
and break that, honey.

Because you won't be
needing that no more,

because I just saw
the Sandler sisters

and sent them away.

No, you didn't. You did what?

You heard me... Oh, no.

Now, hear this... Repent.

Listen to the Lord.

Let me put some
salvation in your ear.

You're right, Esther.
I've been wrong.

I've listened to you, and I'm
gonna make a deal with you.

It's about time.

I'm gonna let you put
some salvation in my ear...

and I'm gonna put
some lead in yours.

And federally funded,
low-cost housing

deteriorates in a few years,

and we have yet another ghetto.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you, thank you.

In reply to my honorable
and distinguished opponent...

All I will say about
the housing problem

is that it is a problem...
GRADY: Wow.

But I assure you that
myself and my staff

will look into the subject

with all the diligence
at our command.

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

Now that the two
candidates have had a chance

to meet each other face to face,

we'll take a one-minute break

and then come
back for the debate.

Hey, Fred, Lamont's doing great.

He's gonna win by a landslide.

Yeah, and I'll be under it.

Lamont don't care
about me no more.

Aw, come on, Fred.

I mean, he moves to Sacramento,

and leave me in that
house all by myself.

Aw, don't say that.

I'm gonna leave. No, don't.

Sir, sir, excuse me, sir. I
couldn't help overhearing.

Did you have something to say?

Something to say?
What, something to say?

Well, yes, sir, you
were standing here

and I, well, I thought
you might have a question

or something to say to
one of the candidates.

You see, we're newsmen

and we'd like to hear
something that's newsworthy.

Oh, you're
newsmen. That's right.

Yeah, I got something
to say to the candidate.

I got something to say

to this honorable and
distinguished dummy, here.

You go right ahead, sir.

Lamont Sandford, that's him.

Yes, sir.

Son, come on home, will you?

If you come on home, I swear

I'll stop drinking
and give up smoking

and won't fool around
with those nice girls...

And if you want to have a
girl downstairs on the couch

every night, I don't care.

That's you,

because you're
younger than I am.

Hey, come on back,
son. I'm not kidding you.

Just be careful when
you're down there

and don't make me no
grandfather before my time.

I know I asked you to be an
assemblyman for the money,

but I don't want you to be an
assemblyman for the money.

Come home. You
make a better junk man.

Sir, are you related
to Mr. Sanford?

Damn right I'm related to him.

I'm his long-lost father.

I see.

Come on home, son.

Sir, sir, excuse me,

you do realize that
we're on television?

I didn't... Huh?

We're on television, sir.

We on television, now?

Yes, sir, that
camera right there.

Everything we said
was on television?

Yes, sir, everything.

And it's live now?
Right there, sir.

Y'all excuse me for
a minute. Yes, sir.

Can you back up
a little bit? Yes, sir.

♪ If I didn't care More
than words can say ♪

♪ If I didn't care
Would I feel this way? ♪

♪ And now... ♪♪

Where you going?

Somewhere, anywhere, it
don't make no difference.

You don't care.

Aw, come on, Pop.

That's right, you don't care.

You're moving to Sacramento,

and there ain't
nothing here for me.

I might as well just
walk outside that door

and fade on into the sunset.

Pop, the sun went
down six hours ago.

You don't care.
Look, I do care, man.

I've withdrawn my
candidacy. I've quit.

Yeah, you quit because
I embarrassed you.

Yes, you embarrassed
me, but, look,

I finally realized that I
wasn't qualified, man.

What the people need is somebody

that knows what's going
on in the community,

and that person
is Harriet Radner.

I think she'll make a
fine Assemblywoman...

And it's not your fault.

It is my fault, too.
It's all my fault.

I feel like just walking
down the street,

and just alone, contemplating
where I failed you.

Aw, come on...

I think I'll stop
by sanctified city

and pour my soul
out to Reverend Spike.

Well, if you think it will
make you feel better...

It'll make me feel better, son.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, Fred, will you
please come on?

Our pretty little pigeons

are waiting out
here in the truck.

Uh, it will really

make me feel better, son...

Really.

[♪♪♪]