05x02 - Divorce, Sanford Style

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Well, let's see how
we did this week.

Got $10.50 for the lamp.

Paid $4.98 for it, less
75 cents for the bulb,

7 percent tax...

Total profit on the
lamp... $36,386.54?

Total loss on the
computer... $3.95.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

What's the matter, Aunt Esther?

Lamont, pour me a sh*t of booze.

A sh*t of what?

Just an ounce of
alcohol, please.

What's the matter, Aunt Esther?

I mean, I've never
seen you drink before.

Lamont, hurry up.

Hurry up, please. Hurry up.

All right. Here you go.

[SPITS, COUGHS]

This stuff is bad, really bad...

but not as bad as I thought.

Okay, now, is there
something wrong?

You wanna tell me
what's the matter?

Lamont, that man...

That man is the most
miserable, low-down,

sneak-sliding, snake
sinner I've ever seen.

Shh!

Keep your voice
down, Aunt Esther.

He's upstairs sleeping.

I ain't talking
about your father.

I'm talking about my
soon-to-be ex-husband.

Oh, you and Woody had a fight?

Drinking and
smoking ain't so bad,

but the way he looks at
other women is disgusting.

Oh, come on, Aunt
Esther, it can't be that bad.

Oh, no?

When he walks down the street,

I have to put a bib on him

to keep him from
drooling all over himself.

Why does he wanna
look at other women?

Oh, Aunt Esther, look,
now, I know you're upset,

but, look, I tell you what...

Look, everything is
gonna be okay, all right?

Now, we'll go for a
walk, and we'll talk it over,

and you'll feel a
lot better, you'll see.

Lamont, you a fine
young man... Yeah.

But I feel so sorry
for your father.

You feel sorry for my father?

Why are you feeling
sorry for my father?

Because even though I've
never had a drop of alcohol

in my life,

I know cheap
liquor when I taste it.

Hey, Lamont. Lamont!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come on in.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I said, come on in, didn't I?
What do you want me to do?

Come on in... Lay
a carpet out for you?

Fred.

Hey, Woody.

Gee, you're just in
time for breakfast.

Good.

Say, how do you like your eggs?

I'll just have some juice.

Well, you know...

I-I think I've lost
the will to live.

Well, you ain't lost
your will to drink...

Why are you so upset?

Well, Esther and
I just had the fight

to end all fights.

Well, did you punch
her in the face?

No.

Well, you want
me to do it for you?

You know, Fred,

I think Esther
and I are through.

Wait a minute, now... "Through."

That's too much, now.
That's serious business.

Yeah, well, I know it's serious,

but I've had enough.

Look, 30 years, 30
years of marriage,

and you know, your marriage vows

are awful strict.

You know, through
sickness and through health,

and for better or worse,
and the main thing

is until death do us part.

You know what I
think of that? What?

k*ll her.

You know the one thing
that really drives me crazy?

Hmm?

The way Esther always accuses me

of running around
with other women.

Well, do you? No!

Want me to do it for you?

Now, look, Fred,

I-I really want to make
my marriage work,

but I need your help.

Well, I don't know.

Now, please, Fred, I'm
asking you as a friend.

Okay, then.

Well, now, here's what
to do... Fool around.

What?

I mean, not fool around,

real fool around...

Just fool around to
make Esther jealous,

and then that'll make
you appealing to her,

and she'll want you back.

I can see the two of
you back together now,

appealing and appalling.

B-but that's no
good, Fred, you see.

I don't know any girls.

You don't? No.

Well, leave that
to Ready Freddie.

Let me... Let me get
my black book out.

Hey, you got a
little black book?

You better bet I
got a black book.

Fred, you're something else.

Yeah, I'm something
else, all right.

Listen here. How
do you like that?

Now, in here is 15
years of the biggest hits,

including some oldies
and some goodies.

[LAUGHS]

Wow, it sure is huge.

You sure know a lot of women.

No, it ain't that huge,
you know what I mean?

It's just I don't know
too many women,

but I just 'em lined up here

and listed three different ways.

See, in alphabetical order,

then I got them in
sizes, and then...

according to their most
recent performance.

Oh, no, it's no use, Fred.

I'll never be a Romeo like you.

Well, that's true,

and you can say that as
many times as you want to.

Hey, look here. I think I
met a girl the other day,

be perfect for you. Oh, really?

Yeah, see, I met her
in the supermarket.

See, I was buying
corn... Mm-hmm.

And she was buying
some lima beans,

and we bumped into each other,

and immediately, suc-co-tash!

See, I got it right here.

Here she is, right here.

Laverne Gomez.

She's part French
and part Indian

and Spanish,

and I'll leave the
best part for you.

I got her phone number.
I'll call her for you now.

Well, I don't know, Fred.

Maybe I'm... Maybe I'm acting

a little hasty, you know?

Maybe Esther isn't all that bad.

Yes, she is.

She's bad, Woody.
I'll tell you the truth.

When Esther was a little
girl, a guy drove up beside her

and offered her some
suckers to get under his car.

Hey, Fred, now,
Esther is still my wife.

Well, you have my
sympathy on that.

I'll just go ahead
and call the girl here.

Well, all right, b-but what
am I gonna say to her?

Well, I mean, you
know what to say to her.

Just be natural.
That's the main thing.

See, the trick
is for these girls

is just to relax,
be normal, relax.

Here it is, right here.

See, and don't try
to put on no airs.

Just be calm. Okay.

[REGALLY] Hello there.

Yes, this is Baron de Sanford.

Hey, listen,

I was just recently
describing you

to a very debonair
friend of mine,

and according to his actions,

I'm sure he got the hot to trot.

Here he is.

Now, go ahead and
make a date with her,

and I'll go fix us
a pot of coffee.

Okay.

Uh, hello?

La-Verne?

Yes, Le-Woody here.

Yes, I'm fine, thank you.

I would love to meet you too.

Yeah.

You feel any
better, Aunt Esther?

Oh, I think so.

You know, maybe Woody
and I can work something out.

He's not such a bad man.

You know, I'm sure
everything is gonna

be just fine, Aunt Esther.

Look, let's go in, and I'll
get the keys to the truck

and drive you home,
all right? All right.

See, you feel better
already. I feel much...

You know, that's really funny.

You know, you have a
great sense of humor.

Say, listen, why don't
you drop by sometime?

Hello, Woodrow, darling.

And fix the leak
under the kitchen sink.

Woodrow. Hmm?

Would you please forgive
me? It was all my fault.

Well, just forget it, Esther.

Maybe we can try again, huh?

Well, if you'll cut down
on drinking and smoking,

I promise I won't be jealous

of you and other women.

And find me appealing?

Well, it might be
pretty hard, but sure.

Okay.

Oh, hey, now, that's
what I like to see.

That's... That's beautiful.

Well, here you are, Woody.

Hey, Esther, what
are you doing here?

What do you mean,
what am I doing here?

Well, wolf women
don't usually come out

until there's a full moon.

Hey, Pop, why don't
you dig yourself, man.

Can't you see that Uncle
Woody and Aunt Esther

are back together again?

Yeah. Oh, oh...

Well, then you won't be wanting

this coffee, Woody.

And why not?

Well, you don't wanna
be staying awake

married to that.

That's enough with
the insults, Fred.

I'm going home with my wife.

Come on, baby. That's right.

You do that, Uncle Woody.

You tell him, baby.
We going home.

LAMONT: That's right.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

FRED: Hello.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, Woody, Laverne
wants to speak to you.

Laverne? Who is Laverne?

Oh, that's all right, Esther.
That's all over with now.

Over? FRED: Bye.

You must've had to
have started something

to get something over,

so if you done
started something,

I'm gonna get it over.

Now, you see,
there you go again,

convicting me without a trial.

Now, I'm getting
tired of you thinking

I've done something wrong

when I haven't
done anything wrong!

FRED: Go ahead and tell her!

Now, let me tell you
one thing, Woodrow.

I am not leaving this house

until I find out about
this Laverne woman.

Well, good.

Fred, go to get some
cement. We'll make us a statue.

FRED: Yeah. What?

Now, let me tell you one thing.

I can't trust you at all.

The minute I turn my back,

you're fooling around with
some broken-down hussy...

This is it!

I don't want you no
more. I'm through.

You didn't have to
sit on the furniture.

Well, now, that's
just fine with me too.

Goodbye!

Hey, wait a minute.
Where you going?

I will not stay in that house
with this man no more.

Lamont, can I
sleep in your room?

Sure, Aunt Esther. Go
ahead, help yourself.

Thank you.

Now you did it. Now
you went and did it.

Esther's gonna be in this house.

Oh...

Oh!

Esther's gonna be here.

Elizabeth, I'm coming,
honey. I know I'm coming.

This time I can
see my tombstone...

"Fred Sanford lies
here, 1908-1975.

d*ed from an overdose of ugly."

Good morning, Pop.
See you went shopping.

[HUMMING]

Oh, you still ain't
talking to me, huh?

Hey, what'd you want me to do,

throw Aunt Esther
out on the street?

[HUMS] Mm-hmm!

Look, Pop, in a day or so,

Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody

will get this thing settled,

and everything will
be back to normal.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

You're still gonna be
stubborn, aren't you?

You ain't gonna talk to me?

Are you gonna
talk to Aunt Esther?

Well, that's good.

If you don't say nothing to her

and she don't
say nothing to you,

there won't be no arguments.

Good morning, Lamont.

Good morning, Aunt Esther.

I hope you slept
well last night.

Yes, I did. Thank you.

Sit down. I'll get
you a cup of coffee.

Thank you.

[HUMMING]

Just stop it.

My, my... Poor little couch.

I know you haven't
been dusted in years.

My, my, poor little couch.

I bet this is the first time

you've been sat on by a buffalo.

Poor little walls, I
feel so sorry for you,

to have to stay here
and hear the language

that comes out of this house.

Poor wall, you oughta be
glad you ain't got no eyes

to see who's talking to you.

Why don't you move
your smelly old feet

so I can get the
nap up on the rug.

Why don't you bend over

so I can put my foot

where to raise the
nap on your head.

Why, you old bean-eating,

beady-head,
battle-hugging donkey!

Listen,

it'd take a jackass
to know a donkey.

Why, you... You don't tell me...

I'm gonna tell you anything.

Now, you ain't
gonna tell me nothing.

I'm gonna knock you
out... Wait a minute!

I thought you two wasn't
gonna talk to each other.

Well, son, I wasn't
gonna say a word,

but she came down here

and tried to turn my
sofa and wall against me.

Listen.

No, you listen.

You see these two fists here?

They're stereo,

and I'm gonna put
'em both in your ears.

Why, you... Wait a
minute, just stop it.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come in.

Well, Mr. Sanford, Lamont.

I heard about your
aunt and uncle,

so I thought I'd drop by to see

if I could be of
some assistance,

when I heard the
disheartening clamor

of a personal altercation.

It was her. It was him.

Her. Him.

Would you two stop this?

Would you just stop it!

Lamont, I believe
we have here a 415.

What's a 415?

Unsolved domestic squabble.

Now, Mrs. Anderson, I
think you should know

that we policemen
are specifically trained

in the psychological problems

emanating from the
aggressive tendencies

between espoused couples.

So, now, why don't you...

Why don't you try to
settle your little differences

amicably and intellectually?

What you should
do is run right home,

look your husband
straight in the face and sing,

♪ It's so nice to have a
man Around the house ♪

♪ Rickety tick It's so... ♪

That was just a little
madcap musicality,

you know, that I threw in there

to try to ease
the tension a bit.

Yeah.

Mrs. Anderson, if I may
speak to you for a moment.

Perhaps we can
straighten this thing out.

Now, in a day or so

this whole thing between
Aunt Esther and Woody

will be straightened out.

I gotta spend another
24 hours with Esther?

I'd rather drink muddy water...

♪ And sleep in a hollow log ♪

Pop, would you
just do it for me?

It's only 24 hours.

I mean, what could it hurt?

Okay, one more day. I'll try it.

Just be calm. I'll be calm.

Be cool... Be cool.

And be collected. Be collected.

One day, I'll be calm,
cool... Just one day.

Mrs. Anderson and I have
solved the entire problem.

She's going to get a divorce

and she'll be staying
right here with you,

but, oh, probably for
no more than six months.

Oh, no, six months?

Son, call Forest Lawn,

and tell them I'm calm, cool,
and ready to be collected.

Six months?

[HUMMING]

Hey, what's happening, Pop?

Love is happening, son.
Love. How about this?

That's hip.

All this for Aunt Esther
and Uncle Woody?

Yeah, kind of classy, isn't it?

Yeah,

especially these
placecards written in crayon.

Well, see, they don't
even know it yet,

but I'm getting these
two lovebirds together

so I can get that
buzzard out of my house.

Well, I see you still
haven't learned your lesson.

Sure I have.

Look where I got the
bouquets right here,

son, see?

It's sitting right there
in front of Esther's face

so Woody won't have to see it.

That's not what I'm
talking about, Pop.

I'm talking about interfering

with a husband and
wife when they're arguing.

Listen, I know what I'm doing.

All right, I just don't wanna
have nothing to do with it.

I'm going upstairs
and get cleaned up.

As long as you know
what you're doing.

Good. I know what I'm doing.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come on in.

Hey, Woody.

Hey, Fred.

Say, I got this invitation
to dinner from Esther.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Esther's so lovable, so warm...

She's such a...
Such a... such a thing.

Yeah, yeah.
Listen to this, Fred.

"Roses are red
Mustards are green

"Come over for dinner

And we'll lick
Our plates clean."

Hello, Woodrow, darling.

Well, hello, Esther.

Thanks for the
dinner invitation.

Invitation, but I thought you...

Uh, listen, why
don't the two of you...

Esther, come right over
here and sit down, honey.

Sit down right here. Oh, okay.

Sit down, Woodrow.

Listen... [CLEARS THROAT]

See, this is the best dinner

I've ever fixed
in my life for y'all.

You know what I'm having?

Oysters Rockefeller and
spaghetti under glass,

and for dessert,
something continental...

Twinkies flambé.

Well, listen, you two get
together, enjoy yourself.

I'll be right back.

Oh, Fred, you didn't have
to go to all this trouble.

FRED: I know that.

Just enjoy the
champagne there, darling.

Champagne!

Nothing but the best,
nothing but the best,

from your husband Woody.

French wine...

straight from the
vineyards... of J.C. Penné.

Ooh la la.

[VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS]

You two just get cozy.

Get real cozy.

I'll be back in a minute. Okay.

Woodrow, I missed you.

Did you miss me?

Well, yes, I guess
I did, Esther.

Oh, Woodrow.
How do I really look?

Oh, you look just like a
big bouquet of flowers.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Here you are.

Isn't that nice...

Isn't that romantic?

Holding hands.

That's nice. I'll be back.

Hey... Look here, son.

They holding hands,

and Woodrow ain't even
wearing his work gloves.

Oh, man, don't you
ever know when to stop?

Fred, Lamont,

I'm happy to announce
that Esther and I

are getting back together.

See, didn't I tell you? I
knew what I was doing.

Fred Sanford,
the king of hearts.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hi, I'm Jackie,
Laverne's sister.

Jackie, Laverne's sister?

That's right.

She said there's a fellow
here who wants to swing.

Where is he?

Swing?

Who?

There must be some mistake.

Start talking, Woody.

Uh, it's no mistake.

I'd like for you to
meet Fred Sanford,

your gypsy prince. No, come on.

Oh, he's cute.

Come on, cuddles.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Help me, fellas, help me.

Hey, I got no money.

Oh, I got lots of cash, cuddles.

You got real cash?

Where you keeping
it, in this piggy bank?

So long, cuddles.

Ah, yes.

What's happening, cuddles?

Hey, look, Aunt
Esther called, man.

She said everything
is fine at home

with her and Uncle Woody.

How was your date with Jackie?

Well, son, we went
to a disaster movie.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, The Sound of Music.

Pop, The Sound of Music
is not a disaster movie.

It is when you're walking
down the aisle with Jackie,

and she slipped on a Milky Way

and crushed me and
the usher to death.

[♪♪♪]