05x03 - Bank on This

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Ah.

Now, look confident, see?

Remember, the only way
we're gonna get this money here

is for us to look
like we don't need it.

Pop, as soon as they find out

we're the same Sanford and Son

from Sanford and Son,

they're going to
know we need it.

I mean, we're not exactly
the number-one business

in Los Angeles, you know.

Hey, how are you, Fred?

Hey, fine, Harvey.
How's Hortense?

Hey, you know my son, Lamont.

Sure, Lamont. How
you doing, Harvey?

Look, we'd like to talk to you,

but we got an appointment
with Mr. Phillips,

we're a little late.

See, we're going to see him

regarding a conglomerate
merger, and some deficit financing,

and corporate restructure.

Ah, broke again, huh, Fred?

Now, wait a second...

Yeah, you got it, Harvey.

Do I look broke?

You look like my brother, Al.

Your brother Al's dead!

And that looks like the
suit he was buried in.

Come on, Pop. Let's go.

It was nice seeing you, Harvey.

Yeah, right, son.

Hey, listen here,
Harvey. You stick around.

See, when we come back out
here we're gonna need somebody

to protect us with all this
money we're fixing to get.

Hey, let me explain
something to you, Pop.

Now, you're not
going to get this $1500

as fast as you think
you are, you know.

When he hears why we want
it, he'll be glad to give it up.

Then maybe you
could give that suit up.

Ah, excuse me, please.

Ah, Fred G. Sanford
to see Mr. Phillips.

Oh, Mr. Sanford,
please sit down.

Thank you, but
I'll just sit down.

And you are?

Lamont Sanford.

Yes, Lamont here,

he's Secretary-Treasurer
of our conglomerate,

and chairman of
my distributing chain,

and vice-emperor of our empire.

Oh, it's nice to
meet the both of you.

I pass your empire every
day on my way to work.

Miss Rhodes, please
hold all the calls.

Yeah, listen here,
and hold mine too.

Now, what can I do for you?

Not a thing.

It's what we can do
for you, Mr. Magnesia.

Ah... that's Phillips.

Your business is to
loan money, ain't it?

I mean... is it not? Yes.

Well, I'm here to help
you stay in business.

We'll take $1500, and
now where do I sign?

Oh, uh, maybe I can explain.

You see, we... we're thinking
of... of an expansion program.

Yes, an expansion program.

Yeah, we want to take over

an existing piece of property...

Piece of Property.

And develop it
to its full potential.

We're full of potential.

Oh, that sounds
very interesting.

We knew you'd feel that way.

Where do I sign?

Oh, now wait a minute.

It's a little more
complicated than that.

I'll... I'll need a little
more information.

Okay, but let's speed
it up, here, shall we?

I mean, you'll find

that our financial
position is strong,

our physical earnings are up,

and our parking
meter is running out.

Now, the nature
of the $1500 loan?

Well, see, there's
a house next us

that's just recently
been vacated,

and we want to take it over.

Uh, buy it?

No. No, we want to rent it.

We feel that the
money that we get

for the... for the rent
would, you know,

give us a nice little income.

Oh, that... that sounds good.

Thank you. Where do I sign?

Now, um, how did you
arrive at your $1500 figure?

I went to Vic Tanny.

Where did you arrive
at your $15-looking face?

Mr. Sanford,

I can understand
your impatience,

but I... I need to know
why you want the $1500.

Well, first we gotta pay

the last month's
and first month's rent,

and, you know,
do a little plumbing,

a little advertising, and
we wanted to get a sign.

Yeah, and then
clean up the place,

because, see,
the previous tenant

was a Puerto Rican named Julio

and... and it's gonna cost
us a couple of hundred dollars

just to get rid of
them chili stains.

Well, it seems feasible.

Well, fease it.

And, as you know,

we're anxious to help
the small businessman.

Small businessman?

Well, I'm only 5'7".

I mean... here.

There's my signature.

Now, you put it
anywhere you want to.

Now, just give me 1500 bucks.

Um, is this to be
a personal loan?

No, no, no. Uh, this is, uh...

to be made out to...
uh, to the empire.

Yeah, you see,

our... our tax man thought
it would be to our advantage

if we took out a
business loan, you know,

when it comes time
to fill out income tax.

That's what Bubba said?

What collateral
do you have? Huh?

Uh... you know. Stocks,
bonds, property, gold, di...

Yeah, keep on
going. Keep on going.

Uh, Mr. Sanford, I can't believe

that you've been in
business all these years

and you have no
collateral to put up?

Please believe it.

Mr. Sanford.

I got a sister-in-law
named Esther.

Now, you can shove
her up your vault

until I get the money
to pay you back.

Look, I'm... I'm going
to gamble with you.

Let's just fill out this form.

Thank you.

Hey, you're not
going to be sorry.

Look, uh, excuse
me for a minute.

I've got to go put some
money in the parking meter.

Just knock on the door
and the guard will let you in.

Hey, Pop, you got a
nickel for the meter?

A nickel?

Uh, say, Maggie?

Uh, do you have
change for a dollar?

I think so.

Well, let my son have a nickel

and make that loan out
for $1500 and five cents.

Hey, Pop, try and answer
the questions straight.

No fooling around, all right?

I know what I'm doing.
I know what I'm doing.

You think I'm crazy?

Go ahead, man.

Um, age.

Upper 50s.

Exactly how upper?

Uh, 57.

Uh, teen.

Sixty-seven.

I'm sorry, gentlemen.
We are closed.

Good. We make it a rule
never to hold up an open bank.

Well, sir, you can
come back and uh...

Uh, the withdrawal slips

are the pink ones on the right.

You don't have to announce us.

We'll introduce ourselves.

Can I do it, Al?

This is my first time,

and I want it to be special.

Sure, Mel. Go ahead.

Oh, what a guy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[IN A LOUD VOICE] Hi, everyone.

This is an armed robbery
and one of us is a known k*ller,

so stick 'em up, stick 'em up.

How was I, Al?

You did good, kid. Good.

All right, everybody,
on the floor!

Come on! Go on around there.

Listen, now.

Remember, I was
the first one here,

so hold out my 1500.

Come on, Mr. Ambassador.

You too. On the floor!

Listen... listen, pal,

just leave 1500 here,

because they got
thousands of stuff here

over in the vault.

Just leave my 1500.

You men don't have a chance

to get out of here
with this money.

We'll get out of
here with all of it.

Listen, then. You'd
better sit down,

because you'll have
to fill out a lot of forms.

Hey, I don't want
to hurt you, old man.

Old man?

Old man?

Listen, who are you
calling an old man?

I... I... I'll be 103
Thursday night.

Look, why don't you guys
just forget about this job?

I... I've pushed the alarm.

The police could
be here any minute.

The police don't never
get nowhere in a minute.

Hey, Melvin.

You, empty out the drawers,
and you, open that vault.

That's impossible.

Listen, dummy, open that vault.

Open up that vault.
Why risk your life?

Don't risk your life.

Give them what they
want... Less my 1500.

[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]

Al, there's
somebody at the door.

LAMONT: Hey, Harvey, it's me.

Who's me?

Go away, me.

Come on, open it up. Open it up.

And if there's any
trouble, we sh**t.

Oh, please, let it be Esther.

How come it took you so...

What's going on in here?

What do you think is going
on? It's a bank robbery, dummy.

And we're the bank robbers.

I'm Melvin Herman,
and this is Al...

Shut up!

Robinson.

Melvin Herman?

Oh, my gosh.

Lamont. Lamont Sanford!

Melvin Herman,

the cheerleader from
junior high school?

Well, I used to
be a cheerleader,

but now I'm a bank robber.

Give me a B, give me an A,

give me an N, give me a K,

give me all your money,
I'll say "Hip-hip hooray"!

[g*n FIRES]

That was you!

Oh.

Now, okay, pal, on the floor.

Yeah, on the floor. On
the floor. On the floor.

[SIRENS WAILING]

See? I told you they'd be here.

All right, everybody, over here.

Come on. Move it!

First cop through that
door, this thing goes off.

What about my loan?

You've got bigger problems now.

POLICE OFFICER: You in there.

Come out with your hands up.

You make one move and
these seven hostages get it!

These six hostages get it.

How much did we get?

Do I have to tell you?

How much?

A hundred and six dollars.

What?

And 57 cents. That's impossible.

No, it's not.

Look at the neighborhood.

There's also about a
dozen toasters back there.

Oh, no. That's for new accounts.

Hey, listen, why don't you
guys open up a new account,

take your toaster, and
get the hell on out of here?

Okay, you. Where's the money?

Well, most of it's in the safe,
can't be opened till tomorrow.

Wait a minute.

I can't stay here until
tomorrow morning.

I got business to take care of.

I got deals to make,

I've got mergers to complete,

I've got a suit to return.

POLICE: There's no way
for you to get out of there.

Come out with your hands up.

What are we gonna do, Al?

Quiet, I'm thinking.

Hey, Melvin...
Quiet. He's thinking.

POLICE: You've got two minutes.

Hey, Melvin, there's no way

you're gonna get
out of this, man.

Why don't you give yourself up

and they might go
easy on you in court?

Lamont was always
the smart one in class.

Yeah? Well, why
didn't he graduate?

May I offer a suggestion?

Be quiet!

Listen, man, why don't
you just try to figure out

how am I going to get my money

after they take all
this stuff out of here.

Hey, Pop, would you
forget about the loan?

We got other problems.
Forget about the loan?

Son, life goes on even if
they steal all the money.

Life goes on

even if they sh**t
their way out of here.

Life goes on... Even
if they sh**t you?

No, then life... life
stays and I go on.

Knock it off, huh? Knock it off.

Now, for the last
time, I'm telling you,

everybody, on the floor!

And for the first
time, I'm telling you,

my back and my legs
don't do that kind of stuff.

Okay, listen, pal,

Now, I'm... I'm giving
you your final warning.

Now, this whole thing

is starting to get
me a little jittery.

Now, you got one more chance

to get out of here unharmed...

If you cooperate.

Understand? Cooperate!
I'm cooperating.

Everybody, get on the floor.
I ain't gonna tell you again.

On the floor!

AL: We want to talk.

He wants to talk!

POLICE: We've
got nothing to say.

They've got nothing to say.

Yeah, I heard them.

I'm just cooperating.

You got nothing to say, huh?

Well, let me help you out.

Uh, how about, uh...

"Isn't it a shame that all
those hostages got sh*t?"

POLICE: All right.

Come out and we'll talk.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

You send a cop in, and
I'll tell him what we want.

Make sure he's unarmed,

and just to make sure
he's not carrying anything,

have him strip to his shorts.

Gosh. He'll catch his death.

You promised we
weren't going to be cruel.

You just can't get
good help these days.

It's impossible.

Well, do I get a cop or not?

POLICE: Okay. He's coming in.

[KNOCKING]

Officer Hopkins here
for the peace talks.

Before we begin all
of this negotiating,

I have got to know the
condition of the people

you're going to k*ll.

Hey, we're all fine, Hoppy.

Well, I think I would prefer

a professional
medical opinion on that.

Mr. Sanford? How's your heart?

Well, if my heart goes,

I can always borrow
one off your underwear.

Are you really a cop?

Yes, I am a cop,

and I wear my uniform
with unmitigated pride.

Uh, that is, when
I'm wearing the...

And you, what about you?

You are the... the
head crook, I presume.

Is that correct?

Yes, you are correct,

and this is what we want...

Well, okay. sh**t... I
mean, uh, go ahead.

A car outside that door.

Car outside... door.

All you cops gone.

Cops will be gone.

And a plane at the airport.

And a pla... plane where?

At the airport.

Yeah, the airport. Yeah.

Plane at the airport.

Now, how about the hostages?

What about them?

Well, they will
have to be released

before we can acquiesce
to any of these demands.

No deal.

You can't get
them all in the car.

I get carsick.

Would you rather be sh*t?

Oh, I'll share the driving
and chip in on the gas.

Now, uh, about these hostages
that appear to be doomed...

All right.

We'll keep one.

If you need a
volunteer, I'll stay.

You've got a brave
son there, Mr. Sanford.

I know it, and I'm proud of him.

Yeah. Thanks a lot, Pop.

I hope you realize that
your chances of survival

with this mad-dog
k*ller are quite slim.

However, you will be remembered

as the man with the big heart.

And the big mouth. Yes.

Well, I will relay
all of these requests

to my superiors.

And no tricks.

Well, I, uh, have
nothing up my sleeve,

because I...

I'll just, uh, go and tell them.

Gee, Lamont, you're
so strong and heroic.

I wish I had got to know
you better in Algebra.

I might be whatever you are.

Whatever are you?

A junk man.

Maybe Algebra isn't
all that important.

Hey, look. I'm not
heroic or anything.

I just don't want anybody
to get hurt, you know?

POLICE: You in
there, Officer Hopkins

has given us your
demands, and we agree

if you let everyone out safely.

They're on their way.

Come on. Everybody, out.

Lamont, son,

you're the best son a
father could hope for,

but I don't want you
sacrificing your life for me.

I mean, you're young.

You're young, and you've got
your whole life ahead of you.

I'll be the hostage and you go.

He is going.

You're staying.

But he volunteered.

Look, I'm running this robbery,

and, you see,

they wouldn't take a chance
with an old man in here.

Come on. Get going.

Hey, now. That's good.
Now everybody's gone.

Now, go cr*ck that
safe and get my 1500,

and y'all can keep the rest.

Get that car and
get out of here!

Wait a minute.

What do you intend
on doing with me?

Oh, you're coming in
the car with us. Then?

Well, you'll be our protection
all the way to the airport.

And then?

Then you'll get in
the plane with us.

And then?

Then we'll throw you out.

Oh...

Here it is! The
whopper! The whopper!

It's the biggest one
of all times, honey.

Oh, open up the big
vault in the sky, Elizabeth.

I'm about to make a deposit.

Me, honey.

Did we scare him too much?

Yeah, he looks bad.

It's here, Elizabeth.
I'm coming, honey.

Meet me at the gates.

I'll be the one with no money.

He looks ready to cash in.

Hey, you promised me
there'd be no trouble.

And I promised my wife.

She knew it'd be this awful,
she'd have put a ky-bosh on it.

A ky-bosh?

Hey, quiet. I'm thinking.

Oh!

Quiet. He's thinking.

Oh.

Hey, if he dies, this
could be a m*rder rap.

LAMONT: Hey, Al,
I forgot to tell you,

my father's got
a heart condition.

Well, if he don't want a
hole-in-the-head condition,

you'd better get
away from there.

Do what he says, Lamont.

He's vicious.

I've seen him eat kidneys.

Get going.

POLICE: We're leaving your car.

I'm halfway there, Elizabeth.

Oh, hello, cloud.

AL: Hey... hey. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hey, the old man
is dying in here.

Send in some help.

But no policemen. Just doctors.

Hey. Hi, I'm Freddy.
Are you Gabriel?

Hurry up! Hey, oh...

Hey, yo... you'll be all right.

Hey, we're not K*llers.

We're just trying
to make a living.

And I'm just a little guy
trying to make a dying.

Oh... Hey.

Doctors with a stretcher.

Hurry up, before he dies.

DOCTOR: We'll need some help.

I'll help. DOCTOR: You too.

Hands up.

Over against the
counter. Let's go.

What about me?

Your son said you're okay.

That dummy. Who... wha... wha...

What if I was dying?

Everything's under control.

Hey, Pop. Are you
okay? No, I'm not okay.

Suppose I was
having a real big one

and I was going.

You wasn't going nowhere
until you got the money

from that loan and you know it.

Hey, wait a minute. Reward.

Claim the reward.

Is... Is there a reward
for these dudes?

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford.
There's nothing.

You know, I hate
you. You know that?

But I'll take into consideration

your bravery when I
process your application.

You're nice.

Ah, there you are,
safe and sound.

Yeah. I could have
been dead and gone.

Oh, never fear, Mr. Sanford.

The law is here.

Oh, and by the way...

Lamont, here's a citation.

Overtime parking on the truck.

How would you like an
overdue punch in your nose?

Ah, we'll take care of
that ticket, Mr. Sanford.

Oh yeah. You... you...

You know, you've
turned out to be all right.

And let us know about the loan.

Oh, you'll get your loan.

Really? I mean, that's great.

Really, you'll give us the loan?

That means we're
going to be able

to open up the Sanford Arms.

Hey, that's great.
That's great, Pop.

Bye, Lamont.

I'm sorry it turned
out this way, Melvin.

Oh, that's okay.

You know, I... I really
envy you, Lamont.

You have something
I never had...

a really wonderful,
marvelous father.

If I'd a father like him,

why, I might have turned out
to be a better human being.

It's been an honor, sir.

[SNIFFLES]

You know, I really liked him.

Why couldn't you be
more like that, dummy?

You say this is
going to be live?

That's correct.

Ah, good afternoon.

Don Martinson here,

reporting from the State
Federal Bank in Watts.

Now, the gentleman
standing next to me

is Mr. Fred Sanford.

Ah, G.

G? G. Fred G. Sanford.

Oh, um, sorry.
Mr. Fred G. Sanford.

Ah, Mr. Sanford
successfully thwarted

an attempt at bank
robbing this afternoon

at this very bank.

Mr. Sanford, what you
did took a lot of courage.

Courage.

Daring. Daring.

Guts. Guts.

Brains. Brains.

♪ And a little
shifafa On the side ♪

Now, Mr. Sanford...

Mr. Sanford, excuse
me. I'm sure...

I'm sure that our
viewers would like to know

why you did this.

Why would you risk
your life for this bank?

Well, the answer to
that is very simple.

See, I risked my life
because this bank

is an important part
of our community.

Right, Mr. Phillips?

Yes, sir! And because
it helps people like me.

That's right. I see.

I'm not finished yet.

And this bank was good to me.

You see, I came
in here for a loan,

and they granted it.

That's right.

I risked my life

because I felt I
owed them something

for loaning me $1800.

That's right.

He said that's right.

You heard him, America.

Eighteen hundred bucks.

Do you want to know
why we need the $1800?

No, not really.

Here.

Hello, America.

This is my son, Lamont.

We're the owners of
the new Sanford Arms.

Every wall has a ceiling.

Every bed with a spread.

Drop in soon, we'll
rent you a room.

Yeah, I'd just like to say...

Thank you, sir,

for that unsolicited
testimonial.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Excuse me, Mr. Sanford,

we're running out of time,

but before we sign off,

I'm sure that the millions
and millions of viewers

would like very much to know

if perhaps you'd give them
one inspirational thought

since you are the
hero of the hour.

How about that, Mr. Sanford?

Millions of viewers? Millions.

Well, only because you insisted.

♪ And would I be
sure That this is love ♪

♪ Beyond compare ♪

♪ Would all this be sure... ♪♪

Look at this check, son.

$1800. Yeah.

Tomorrow, we'll deposit it.

Why you don't want to put
this in our account today?

Well, see, this way,

it's a new account and
we can get a toaster.

Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.

I'll deposit it first
thing in the morning,

and then we can start
working Julio's place.

Then we gotta give
our place a little class.

We need some class.

Yeah, see,

because all them fancy hotels,
they have their own emblem.

And we should have an emblem?

I can see it now.

All the sheets and pillow cases,

the towels,

the silverware of
the Sanford Arms

will have beautiful
emblems on them.

Oh yeah. "S.A."

"S.A." That's class.

Yeah, that's classy.

Say, son, drive me
down to the bus station.

Where are you going?

New Mexico.

Yeah, I feel this sudden
urge to spend some time

at the Sheraton Albuquerque.

[♪♪♪]