05x20 - The Engagement Man Always Rings Twice

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who's the
best-dressed man of all?

Give me my answer
and make me contented.

Make it quick, because
this suit is rented.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Woody, come on in.
My home is your home.

Thanks, Fred.

And what about me?

What did you say?

I said, what about me?

Esther, your home is
where the buffalo roam.

I didn't ask to come
over here, Fred Sanford.

You invited me to dinner.

That's right, I did.
I'm sorry, Esther.

Listen, Esther,

why don't you start helping
us out in the kitchen?

You can start by sticking
your face in the freezer

and making us some Ugly-sicles.

WOODY: Say, Fred,

why don't you stop
the insults, man?

Now, you did invite her,

and the dinner
was supposed to be

so we can all get acquainted

with Lamont's girlfriend.

Yeah, you're right, Woody.

No more insults.

I want Lamont's girl to
think his family is the best.

Yeah, it would be easy for her

to get the wrong impression
about us, you know?

She's definitely gonna get

the right impression about you.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

See, I'm just a little
nervous, you know,

meeting Lamont's girl and all.

I hear she's really special.

Woody, you'd never be
as nervous as Lamont,

because tonight after dinner,

he's gonna take her home
and pop the big question.

Oh, really? That's wonderful.

I'm so happy for Lamont.

Yeah, me too, you know?

What joy. What
happiness... What question?

Lamont's gonna ask
Janet to marry him.

Oh, now, I'll drink to that.

You'd drink to an
ingrown toenail.

Listen, I wanna show you
my surprise for Lamont.

Surprise?

Yeah, you see...

after Lamont proposes to Janet,

and she says yes,

I'm gonna build an
extra bedroom upstairs.

Look here. Yeah.

Fred, are you sure
Lamont and Janet

want to live in this house
after they get married?

Sure, they will.

We have to carry on the dynasty.

Dynasty?

Yeah, you know,

like the son and his family
will carry on the empire.

Just like in China, you
know, the Ming Dynasty.

Hmph,

and what you gonna call
yours, the Ding-A-Ling Dynasty?

Why, you greasy
neck-bone chewing...

Oh, hello, Son. Hi, Janet.

Hey, son.

Hi, everybody.

Uh, Aunt Esther, Uncle Woody,

I'd like for you to
meet Janet Lawson.

ESTHER: Nice to see you, Janet.

WOODY: Hi.

So you're Woody.

Lamont's told me you
have such a great marriage.

Now, I'll drink to that.

Woodrow... now, sweetheart,

you wouldn't want Janet to think

that all you have on
your mind is liquor,

now, would you... booze brain?

Listen, why don't we
all go over to the table

and sit down, make
ourselves comfortable.

That's a good idea, Pop.

Lamont, you sit right there
next to Janet over there,

and Woody, you find
Esther somewhere,

and I'll sit right here.

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]

You made place cards.
Oh, how nice, Mr. Sanford.

Classy, huh?

I had them made up special.

Yeah, hey.

Dr. Gummo Smith,
credit dentist. Yeah.

Turn the card over.

Oh, oh.

Yeah, you know, Pop,
this is really nice, man.

The flowers and the
candles and everything.

You tried hard, and
I want you to know

that Janet and I
really appreciate it.

Thanks, son.

I spent the whole day
getting everything ready,

getting the room and the table

so this would be
the perfect dinner.

I wanted it to be right.

It's beautiful, Mr. Sanford,

and I'm looking forward
to a delicious meal.

What are we having? Huh?

What's for dinner?

Uh, ah, uh... Oh, no.

Janet, we're having
braised tips of beef

and mushroom
surprise and menudo.

But see, I was so busy
getting the house cleaned up

I-I forgot to cook.

Surprise!

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

No, it certainly wasn't,

considering this
is the first time

Janet's been over
here for a meal

catered by Melvin's
Menudo Manor.

I never thought I'd
like sole enchiladas.

Well, I have a church
meeting at 9:00.

I have to go.

Bye, Fred, Lamont.

Aunt Esther. Janet.

Yes, goodbye.

Yeah, thanks for everything.

Yes, thank you.

And, um...

Come by the church sometime
and meet Brother Spike.

I'd love to.

Yeah, and jump in the lake

and go take a hike.

You old heathen.

Oh, glory!

Lamont... Lamont, Mr. Sanford,

if you'll excuse
me, I'll be right back.

Okay.

Well, son. Tonight's
the big night, ain't it?

I'll bet you're really excited.

I'm excited, and
I'm nervous, Pop.

See, we gonna go back
to Janet's apartment,

and I'm gonna pop
the big question,

and if she accepts, I'm
gonna buy the ring tomorrow.

Do you know what
you're gonna say?

Not exactly,

but I'm not gonna
get down on one knee

because I don't
like corny stuff.

Well, when you get
back here tonight,

I got a big surprise for you.

A surprise? Yeah...

And I can hardly
wait. Now, you listen.

Can I give you a bit of advice?

No. Good.

Now, when you ask
her, be tough, be firm.

Let her know who's
the boss right away.

Say, "Look, baby,

"you and I are getting engaged,

"and that's the way it is,

and gonna be that
way all the time."

Is that what you told Mom?

No, that's what
your mom told me.

Oh, Lamont, thank you.

I had such a nice time.

Me too, Janet.

Can I get you something?

No, thank you, Janet.

There's something
that I want to say to you.

I want to say it fast, or
I might not ever say it.

Okay, yeah.

Janet, would you...
Hi, Lamont. Hi, Mom.

JANET: Hi.

Hi, Roger.

Mom, I'm going outside
to sh**t some baskets.

Be back in a while.

Okay.

So long, Lamont. So long, Roger.

Uh, let's... let's sit down.

Um, see, Janet, uh...

Well, what I wanted to
say to you was that, see...

Now, I feel...

It's too cold outside
for basketball.

I'm going to get a snack.

Good idea, Roger. Get a snack.

Why don't you make yourself
a 24-decker sandwich?

Lamont, is something wrong?

You're acting very strangely.

Yeah, I know,
Janet, and it's silly.

If you got something
to say to somebody,

you should come
right out and say it,

and I'm gonna say it.

I'm gonna k*ll Roger.

This rocky road is great. Mm.

So how's it going, Lamont?

It's going great, Roger.

Say, Roger, do you...

Do you believe
in pay television?

I love it.

Okay, here's a dollar.
Go watch the Lakers.

Okay, I'm going upstairs
to watch it. See you later.

Okay, Roger.

I know the way your mind works.

Now, what's the matter?

Well, I said I wasn't
gonna do this,

but a chance like
this only comes once

in a man's lifetime, and...

I love you a lot, Janet.

Lamont...

Hi, Pop. Don't "Hi, Pop" me.

Did she say yes? Did she
say no? What happened?

Well, you know that old saying,

"Rocky is the road to marriage"?

Sure.

Well, I got rocky
road all over my pants.

She said yes.

She said yes.

Oh, will you look
at him, Elizabeth.

So tall, so handsome,
so intelligent.

It won't be long
before we'll hear

the pitter-patter
of tiny dummies

around the house.

Hey, Pop, now just go
easy on that baby talk.

I mean, we're not even
married yet, you know?

That never stopped nobody.

Listen...

Come over here. I wanna
show you a surprise.

Hey, what are
these blueprints for?

Our family castle.

See, these are the plans

where I'm building
the extra room for you.

Uh, Pop...

See, and this here
is the basketball court

for Roger.

Oh, but Pop...
And then over here,

I figure that you
could share my room,

and the new room will
be for Roger and Janet.

I know, Pop, you see, I...

And I thought you'd say that,

and then, see, well,

Roger can sleep with me
and you sleep with Janet.

It's no good, Pop.

Huh? Sure. It's no good.

See, Pop, Janet and
I discussed it, man,

and once we're married,

we're gonna get
a place of our own.

A place of your own?

Oh, I-I understand, son.

I was hoping you would, Pop.

Just make sure you get a
place near the cemetery,

because if... if you
move out, it would k*ll me.

My moving outta here
is not gonna k*ll you.

But what if...

The big one comes,
and I'm not around?

Oh, I feel one coming now.

Pop... It's the big one!

It's like a big hand
clutching my heart.

That's your hand.

Son, I'm sorry I was trying
to make you feel guilty

by having a phony heart att*ck.

Well, that's the first
time you've ever admitted

that those heart
att*cks were phony.

Well, for once in my life,

this time I'm gonna play it
straight with my own son.

No trickery, no games, no lies.

Just plain facts.

Good.

Lamont? Yes?

Yesterday, I went to the doctor,

and he said I have this
mysterious, incurable disease

called "Son-move-outis-ectomy".

See, first, your nose fall off,

then your toes
fall off, and then...

Hey, Lamont. Dig, man.

Look here, let me do
all the rapping, man.

I know all about jewelry,

and I can get you
a real good deal.

Okay, bro, you got it. Yeah.

Now, watch how I handle
this dude here, man.

It'll be like taking
candy from a baby.

All right, then. Eh, mister!

Yes?

May I help you?

Yeah, you work here?

No, I just asked
if I could help you

because I just made
corporal in the Salvation Army.

Hey, look, I'm gonna
give it to you straight.

We'd like to see
the cheapest thing

you have in a ring.

Yeah, how about two
tickets to the bullfights?

Hey, man, are you
trying to get smart?

Oh, no, then you and I would
have nothing in common.

Hey, Lamont.

Come on, man. Let's split.

We ain't gotta stay here
and take all his hurrah

and his stuff.

You are so right.

You can just go down
the street to the fruitstand

and put a kumquat
on your finger.

Wait a minute.
Excuse me for a minute.

Come here, Rollo.

Now, look, man,
it's 4:00 already,

and I wanna give the
ring to Janet tonight.

Now, there's no more
jewelry stores open

at this hour.

Let me handle it.

Yeah, okay, man. Good luck.

All right.

Uh, sir. Sir?

Well, I like that.

You call me sir,
and I call you sir.

That's mutual respect.

It shows a regard for the
other person's feelings.

Uh, I'd like to see
a-an engagement ring

for under $200.

Under two hu...

You've got to be kidding!

No.

Well, I may have something.

Oh, this ring is $75.

It shines in the dark,
decodes secret messages,

and is already engraved

if you want to give it to Marsha
and your name is Skippy.

I think I'd like to see
this ring right here.

Oh, excellent!

You know, I tend to judge a man

by his discriminating
taste in jewelry.

Oh, thank you very much.

How long has your
girlfriend been a Gypsy?

I'll bet... Hey, wait a minute.

Remember what you told
me, jack. Look here, man.

You gotta be crazy to buy
anything from this dude, man.

This dude is the rudest,
crudest dude I ever met.

You know, you're
absolutely right, sir.

I'm sorry.

Please accept my
deepest apology.

Would you mind turning
the other way for a moment?

For what?

Well, the store is having
a little free giveaway,

and I want to surprise you.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Good, the security camera
just took your picture

for nothing.

Good!

How would you like
me to take your teeth

for the same price?

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Hi, Pop. Hello.

Oh, you're speaking
to me now, huh?

Of course.

I'm speaking to you
the way I'd speak

to any of my tenants.

Tenants?

That's right.

You treat the
place like a motel.

Move in. Stay 35
years. Move out.

Pop... Just
remember, Mr. Sanford,

no pets and no cooking
cabbage in the room.

Would you cut it out? I
got the ring. Wanna see it?

What for? I've
seen rings before.

It's not an expensive ring,

but I went through
a lot to get it.

Look. Yeah.

One thing you went
through was my heart.

Now, don't start that again.

Pop, you've gotta face it, man.

Things change, man.
Nothing stays the same.

And I was changing your
diapers since you was 8 years old,

and now you're
running out on me.

Okay, just forget about it.

I've got a couple of
deliveries to make,

and then I'm gonna
go over to Janet's

and give her the ring.

Already? So soon?

I'll see you later, Pop.

Oh, no. He's really gonna do it.

Then I'll be all alone.

I'll have to sell the
house and move out.

I can see it now...

Old man living
here in California

with nothing to do

but sit on the back porch
and drink orange juice

with Bing Crosby
and his families.

I-I can't let him do that to me.

I just can't.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

Janet.

Just a minute, Janet.

Come in, dear.

Listen, I don't care how
much Lamont owes you.

Don't be bothering me about it.

Good day.

Hello, Mr. Sanford.

Oh, hi, Janet. Come
and sit down, darling.

Can I get you
something? No, thank you.

Lamont should be
here any time now.

We're gonna go
out and have dinner.

Oh, by the way,

I couldn't help overhearing
that phone conversation.

Is Lamont okay?

Oh, nothing to worry

your pretty little head about.

Fine, good.

It's just that Lamont
owes a huge pile of money

at the liquor store,
and if he don't pay it,

they're gonna k*ll him. What?

But don't worry about it.

Last month he owed
them money too,

and somehow he paid them.

By the way, that
was the same month

all the children in the
neighborhood got mugged

and had to go to school
without their milk money.

What are you talking about?

I thought you knew.

Knew what?

That Lamont was a heavy drinker.

A what?

And a heavy gambler.

A drinker and a gambler.

Sometimes he bets on
how much he can drink.

Mr. Sanford, I think you're...

I guess I shouldn't
be surprised that...

That he didn't tell you.

Lamont's so ashamed about it.

He don't want anybody to know.

That's why he belongs to
A.A... Anonymous Anonymous.

I don't really believe...

But look, don't worry, Janet.

He'll make you a good husband.

Just always hide
your purse at night,

and if you smoke,
hide your lighter fluid,

because he'll drink that too...

And see, I even have
to lock up my own liquor

here at home.

Can I tell you something?

I know just what you're
gonna say, honey.

I know exactly what
you're gonna say.

Well, look, if you
change your mind

about marrying Lamont

because you found out about him

drinking and
gambling like that...

Drinking and gambling?

It's okay, Lamont. I understand.

LAMONT: Excuse me a minute.

Hey, wait a minute. It's gone.

The ring is gone.
Where's the ring?

FRED: Well, don't ask me.

You probably sold it

and then spent the money
at the Kentucky Derby

on some Kentucky bourbon.

What are you talking about?

He probably doesn't remember.

Lamont has those blackout
spells where he forgets everything.

Pop.

Last year, he disappeared,
and we found him in Denver

with a hootchie coochie
dancer from Durango.

Mr. Sanford,

would you come over
here and sit down, please?

We'd like to talk to you.

Over there? Mm-hmm.

What'd you do that for?

Because I love you. Huh?

And I love you because
you love your son so much.

Listen, I... I don't know...

We knew what you
were trying to do, Pop.

I know Lamont is
not a heavy drinker

or a gambler.

Yeah, but I forgot to tell you
he's a burglar and an arsonist,

and in the morning, he
needs a gallon of mouthwash

before he can say hello.

Mr. Sanford, you
love Lamont so much

that you're terribly
afraid of his moving out.

Now, that's why you're making up

these stories, isn't it?

Well... When Lamont
and I get married,

you're not going
to lose his love.

That's right, Pop.

In fact, you're going
to be getting a family

that loves you very much:

me, Roger, and
maybe even our child.

Already?

You sly dog.

No, Pop, that's not
what she means.

Now, look, this isn't the end.

It's the beginning, man,

of a whole new way
of life for all of us.

We love you very much, Pop,

and with all that love,
you'll never be alone.

FRED: Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

That was a beautiful
thing you did, honey.

I just hope Pop
can understand it.

I think he understands.

I think he
understands a lot more

than we give him credit for.

Yeah, you know,

now that you're gonna
be a member of this family,

there's family secrets that
I think you should know.

I'm gonna show
you one of them now.

Come here.

Now, this is our family vault,

and I'm gonna show
you this one time,

and you gotta get it
right or it won't work.

You ready?

You think you got that?

I think so.

Hey, son, here.

Okay.

Now, I know this isn't
an expensive ring, Janet,

but see...

Hey, wait a minute.
This isn't the ring I bought.

What are you
trying to pull, Pop?

Lamont, I don't understand.

Well, I do. He took...

This ring is beautiful.

It is?

Oh, it's not only
beautiful, it's unique.

Unique?

They haven't made a
ring in this particular style

in at least 40 years.

Hey, Pop, that's
Mom's ring, isn't it?

I guess it is.

You're the greatest,
Pop. I love you.

Oh, thank you.

No, I don't want this stuff
on me. I don't want that stuff.

Look, it fits perfectly.

Come on, let's show it to Roger

so he'll feel part of
this beautiful evening.

Yeah, and y'all hurry back here

and I'll take the two
of you out to dinner.

You're gonna take us to dinner?

Uh-huh. Thank
you, Pop. I love you.

Bye, Dad.

Bye... bye, now. Bye, daughter.

Elizabeth, honey, are you busy?

Well, I'd like to talk
with you for a minute.

See, I know you didn't mind me

giving your ring to
Lamont, did you?

Because we always
wanted the best for our son,

and Janet... well,
she's the best, honey.

Of course, it'll never
look as good on her finger

as it did on yours...

And another thing about the ring

I know you... I know it's
gonna make you real happy.

I paid it off this week.

That was a marvelous dinner.

Yeah, and wow,

when that truck pulled
up in front of Chasen's...

Well, I never thought
I'd ever eat there.

I loved the tip your father
gave the parking attendant.

Yeah, he told him
to pull the choke

or the truck wouldn't start.

Where is your father, anyway?

Well, I think he's
upstairs sleeping.

He's had a big day.

Mm.

You know, it's really nice,

just the two of us here, alone.

Yeah.

I'm glad Pop finally realized

that we have to
lead our own lives

and make our own decisions.

Hey, Lamont, Janet.

I've been working
on these upstairs.

Take a look.

Well, what is that, Pop?

It's my plans for the wedding.

See, we'll rent
out the Legion Hall

and put the tables here
and the violin players there.

And here's the
guest list over here,

and then, Janet,
you'll get your gown

at Leon's Discount
and Wedding Wear

and w*r Surplus, and
uh... [ENGINE STARTS]

Let's see.

Pull out the choke
or else it won't start.

And then... and then I'll
get some more place cards

from Dr. Gummo,

and Esther will sit
with the musicians

and stick her
head out the tuba...

There'll never be
a greater wedding...

Yes?

You work here?

No, I'm the heavyweight
champion coming out for round two.

Listen, I got something
I'd like to return.

I can see that,

but Mother Nature
doesn't work here anymore.

Uh, was that an insult?

Was Attila the Hun naughty?

Look, my son bought
this ring here yesterday,

and I'd like to return it

so I can give him the money back

for a wedding present.

Oh, I'm sorry,
sir, that's a no-no.

But on the other hand,

if you don't give me my money,

I'm gonna take that tie,
wrap it around your neck,

and wrap the other
end around my truck,

and stamp "Just
Married" on your butt

and drive you to Niagara Falls.

Would you like it in cash,
check or money order?

You changed your mind.

Yes, nobody ever explained
it to me that way before.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]