02x18 - The Postman Cometh

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

You don't have to close your eyes, gilligan.

It's against the law to read anybody else's mail.

I promise not to report you.

Ok. It'll go out in the : tide. Thank you.

Your boyfriend sure is lucky.

He not only gets a letter every week,

He gets a nickel back on the envelope.

Hi, skipper. What are you doing?

I'm recharging the batteries on the radio.

Now, if it isn't too exhausting,

Would you mind turning the radio on to see if it works?

Man on radio: and now here's a social note.

Cathay society was stunned today

By the surprise elopement of cybil wentworth, the shipping heiress,

With horace higgenbothum.

Higgenbothum is said to come from a small town

Near horners corners, kansas.

Did he say horace higgenbothum?

Yeah.

From horners corners?

That's right. Why, you know him?

That's mary ann's boyfriend.

Mary ann's boyfriend?!

Yeah, the one she keeps writing a letter to every day?

I just mailed one for her.

Why, that dirty double-crosser!

Marrying another girl. For goodness sakes.

And doing that to our poor little mary ann?

Maybe he's trying to make her jealous.

Hi, professor.

Well, skipper, what's the decision?

Well, gilligan was just about to volunteer.

Oh, no, I'm not!

Oh, yes, you are!

Oh, no. Let somebody else tell mary ann

That some girl stole her boyfriend

Right out from under her nose with her back turned!

Under her nose with her back turned?

Well, it's anatomically impossible, of course.

However, gilligan does have a point.

He should have freedom of choice.

And I choose to wait until after we're rescued,

Then horace can tell her, because he knows her better than we do.

Wait a minute, gilligan. All right, professor.

We'll do this the democratic way.

I'll buy that.

Yes, now all those in favor of gilligan telling mary ann,

Raise your right hand.

There you are, gilligan. To .

On your way, little buddy.

If that's the democratic way,

I'm gonna turn into a republican!

Man on radio: now once again,

It's time for radio's most popular dramatic series,

Old dr. Young.

When last we left county hospital,

Eileen frobersher had been admitted for a checkup.

Unbeknownst to her, her x-rays revealed something.

Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital,

Old dr. Young is talking to his son young dr. Young.

Old dr. Young: son, the young and lovely eileen frobersher

Must be told about her x-rays.

But, father, should we tell her now?

Not we. You.

And right now.

If that is my duty, then I shall do it.

Son, you are walking the wrong way.

Because... I cannot just burst into her room

And blurt out the results of the x-rays.

That I cannot do!

You will have to assign someone else to the job.

Son, be a man.

Remember the hippocratic oath?

Yes, father. You are always right.

I will do it.

Tomorrow.

Gilligan, can't you do anything right?

You see...

For goodness sakes. Must you goof up the simplest assignment?

Well, you see...

Around here it's talk, talk, talk,

But not a word to mary ann!

Gentlemen, this arguing isn't getting us anywhere.

I wasn't arguing. All I was saying was, "you see."

He was the one who was arguing.

I can see that I'm gonna have to tell her myself!

Eh... De...

I wanna tell you, he b*at me by that much.

Another second, and I'd have told her.

Oh, I can still catch him.

Thanks a lot, little buddy.

Radio: and so we conclude another chapter

In the story of old dr. Young.

Ohh...

Hello, mary ann.

[Sniffs]

Say... Oh, something smells good.

What are you cooking?

Mushrooms. I picked them myself.

Oh, that's nice.

Uh, mary ann... Yes?

There's something I've got to tell you.

Why, is something wrong?

Well, yes, there is.

Well, couldn't be half as bad

As what happened to poor eileen frobersher.

I wouldn't trade places with her for anything else in the world!

Who?

Eileen frobersher, the poor girl on the radio.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, you see, it's just that...

Uh... The mushrooms!

You've gotta be careful!

Careful? About what?

The... The species.

I mean, some mushrooms and toadstools

Are gonna make you quite ill, and others

Are actually poisonous! Poisonous!

Oh, you can never tell. You've got to get rid of those.

It's a good thing you didn't say anything to mary ann.

I mean, that'd be all wrong.

It would?

Well, certainly. There's only one thing

That can ease her breaking heart

When she hears about horace higgenbothum.

Only one thing can make a girl forget a man.

What's that, ginger?

Another man! Mary ann needs a dream man,

Someone very exciting to just come along and sweep her off her feet!

Well, I'm terribly sorry, ginger, but I'm already married.

Well, mr. Howell, there's eligible bachelors on the island.

You're so right!

With attractive bachelors vying for her attention,

All thoughts of horace will vanish!

Exactly! Now, just a moment.

I have never shown the slightest romantic interest in mary ann.

Professor, a few lessons at my private charm school,

And you'll just captivate her.

Now wait a minute, ginger.

I've been acting like her big brother.

I can't act like her boyfriend now.

For her sake, it's casanova time, captain!

I'm going to take you in hand.

What about me? Who's gonna teach me?

It's a nasty trick to play on my wife, but c'est la guerre.

Your hair, with the light shining on it,

Is breathtakingly beautiful.

Oh, gilligan.

And your eyes are limpid pools of indigo blue.

Oh, gilligan!

Shell-like ears and pearly teeth.

Those lips, those nose... Oh, gilligan!

I'm sorry, mrs. Howell, but I am improving.

This time I got as far as the nose before I blew it!

You're supposed to charm mary ann,

Not take inventory.

Can't you use a more romantic voice?

[Husky voice] more breathless?

Mary ann, you're peachy keen.

[Wheezing] eee... Eee...

Gilligan, you're supposed to sound romantic,

Not asthmatic.

Not so good, huh?

No. We'll have to try another approach.

We'll pattern you after somebody else. Now let me see.

Oh, I have it! Charles boyer!

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

That my soul can reach!

Oh, mr. Howell, I feel so silly.

Must you hold my hand like that?

Well, I'm just trying to show you how to act, that's all.

I know, but, mr. Howell, I can't recite poetry.

It just isn't my image!

Your image? Just exactly what is your image?

Well, I've always figured myself

As the big outdoor type.

Well, you are built like the ponderosa.

Oh, no, you know what I mean...

The big, strong, silent type.

I've always thought that I should be a cowboy.

Somewhere there breathes a horse that is glad that you are not.

Come on, mr. Howell.

You know how the girls are always crazy about marshal dillon.

Come to think of it, they do favor outdoor types.

Exactly! They like men that talk about ridin' the range

And bull doggin' and sh**t outs

And all that sorta thing!

Ok, bravo billy, head her off at the pass!

You're on, partner!

They went thataway!

Good evening, mary ann.

Uh... You look very healthy tonight.

Oh, brother.

Oh, that wasn't much like cary grant, was it?

It wasn't even very much like general grant.

I'll never be able to learn this.

Let me show you, professor.

Pretend that I'm cary grant.

You?

Yeah. Pretend that I'm tall, charming,

Loaded with masculinity.

Well, I shall find it very easy to pretend you're tall and charming,

But you've got the wrong kind of load.

We're just pretending, professor.

Now cary is the kind of man who sweeps a girl off her feet.

He'd take her in his arms like this,

And he'd whisper her name over and over and over...

Mary ann... Mary ann... Mary ann.

Isn't that a bit redundant?

Professor, a girl likes to hear her name!

Now let's try it again.

Mary ann... Mary ann... Mary ann.

Now you whisper something to me.

Ah, cary... Yes?

Gee, you smell nice tonight.

Oh!

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Ah, ma cherie.

Quelle surprise to find you at 'ome.

Ah, I brought these pour vous.

And now, I kiss your hand, eh?

Gilligan, do you feel all right?

Oui. Come. Let us sit over here

So I can tell you about la plume de ma tante,

Which is across the street from the kasbah.

[Knock on door]

I'll be right back.

Howdy, ma'am!

Oh, skipper, come on in.

Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.

The strangest thing just happened...

Gilligan came... "Howdy, ma'am"?

Yup!

I sure am glad to see you're alone, ma'am.

Well, I'm not, exactly.

I was sewing on this dress, and gilligan came...

Here, ma'am. I picked these for you down at the corral.

The corral?

Is that anywhere near the kasbah?

Oh! I'm sorry, ma'am. Pardon me.

I thought you was alone!

Howdy, partner!

[Knock on door]

Oh, come in!

[Imitating cary grant] mary ann, mary ann, mary ann.

Professor!

Just a minute. I've got a few more mary anns.

First, I want you to put these into a vase!

I see you've been down to the corral, too!

Corral? Why, my dear, you do have a sense of humor.

And what have we here?

That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out.

My dear, they're not good enough for you.

Not half good enough!

Zat is not true, you... You... Limey!

Limey, eh? Why,

I've got half a mind to teach you a lesson!

It's a duel you want, eh? En garde!

Now wait a minute, you two!

I don't advise no fighting around here while I'm here!

Stay out of this, sheriff john!

Oof!

They've gone stark raving mad!

Oh, mr. Howell, mrs. Howell!

Come in, child.

Oh, mr. Howell, you've got to help!

It's gilligan, skipper, and the professor,

They've gone island happy!

Oh, you've got to help me, please!

Let's just discuss this calmly, my dear.

Oh, you girls have got to hide...

In the closet, under the bed,

In a trunk! Please, mr. Howell, hurry!

What's wrong with you, mary ann?

It's not me! It's them!

Them?

Yes! I was sewing on a dress,

And gilligan came in and he thought he was charles boyer!

Oh, good for him!

Then the skipper came in

And he thought he was matt dillon,

And he had a fight with cary grant!

What a parlay.

Next time you have a dream like that, send for me.

But it wasn't a dream, ginger!

They're just trying to make an impression on you, darling.

They impressed me, all right.

They impressed me right out of my wits!

Well, you'd better get right back there.

Without feminine influences,

No telling what they might do to each other.

Skipper: how long do we have to keep up this masquerade?

Professor: I'm not sure.

A young girl like mary ann...

I'd give her about a week.

Poor kid. I wish there was an easier way to tell her.

The same thing happened to a friend of my sister's.

How long did it take her to get over it?

She never recovered.

Poor mary ann.

Ohh... The mushrooms!

They were poisonous!

Oh, no wonder they're being so nice to me.

They don't want to tell me I'm gonna d...

Oh!

Man on radio: young dr. Young,

On the advice of his father the doctor,

Has told her the results of the x-rays.

Eileen speaks.

Eileen: doctor, please don't spare me.

Tell me everything.

How much longer do I have?

Young dr. Young: a week, perhaps. Maybe less.

I will spend it alone.

I will not burden others with my problems.

That is wrong, very wrong.

You must seek out your friends,

Be honest with them.

Tell them that I know.

Face it with a smile?

Yes. And above all, be brave.

Oh, doctor! I will be brave!

And I'll be as brave as you, eileen frobersher.

... ... ... ...

... ... Oh, gilligan!

You're not even trying!

Hi, gilligan. Hi, skipper.

Hi, mary ann!

I came over to thank you for last night.

For last night?

Well, I know why you were trying to cheer me up,

And I wanted to tell you I appreciate it.

Who told you?

Nobody told me. I overheard the professor

Talking to both of you about it.

That's wonderful, mary ann.

You're quite a girl for taking it so calmly.

Yeah, we thought you'd cry and stamp your feet and everything.

I've decided to be brave.

Good girl. You might just as well make the best of it.

Huh?

It'll all be over in a little while.

Oh!

Let's go tell the others.

They'll be real happy she's taking it like a man...

Considering she's a girl.

Mr. And mrs. Howell!

Wait'll you hear the good news!

Mary ann knows, and she's calm as anything!

Oh, what a relief.

Thurston, did you hear that?

Now we can stop pretending.

Yes, mary ann, you have our sympathy,

Though I must say it's a small loss.

What?

Thurston, must you be so blunt?

Well, it's not the end of the world.

Sure. This kinda thing happens every day!

Yes, dear. We cry a little, and then we forget.

I've got a good idea.

Why don't we give a party to celebrate?

I've been saving a bottle of bubbly... ...

Oh, how can you all be so callous at a time like this?

How can you think of giving a party at a time like this?

Whatever's the matter

With that poor little girl?

Well, I'll admit was a bad year,

But to get so hysterical about it...

She probably cries over a bad crepe suzette.

Professor: aw, the poor girl.

I'll give her a week... Maybe less.

Skipper: it would break my heart to have to tell her.

Gilligan: the same thing happened to a friend of mine's sister.

She never recovered. Never recovered. Never recovered.

She's so sweet and innocent.

Never recovered.

You can't be sure about mushrooms.

They might be poisonous.

Never recovered. Mushrooms.

She's so sweet and innocent.

Never recovered...

Where am i?

Nurse?

Nurse?

Nurse!

Did you ring, my dear?

What am I doing in the hospital? What's wrong with me?

I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to tell a patient

With a fatal disease what's wrong with them.

You mean I have a fatal disease?

Wherever did you get that idea?

From you.

Oh. No wonder

All the nurses call me miss blabbermouth.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Ah, good morning, nurse!

Good morning, doctor.

Ha ha! Great day to be alive.

For some of us, that is.

You're always a million laughs, doctor.

Ha ha. Thank you. And who have we here?

I'm mary ann. Who are you?

Oh, I'm kindly dr. Zorbagalespie,

Lovable chief of staff. That's who i...

She's an inquisitive little creature, isn't she?

Well..."Mary ann frobersher."

That's who she was, all right.

Was?

You must be the one they call miss blabbermouth.

Well, this doesn't look too bad.

Oh, yes, yes.

Ooh! Ooh, ooh.

[Whistles]

Ha ha wow! Wowie.

Ooh! Hoo!

Well, there's nothing to worry about, my dear.

I have a feeling you're hiding something from me.

Nonsense!

This room will be available this afternoon.

Shall we charge her for the full day?

Please... I have to see old dr. Young.

Well, you can't see old dr. Young.

He's on another case.

He can't be bothered.

Bothered? But I'm gonna die!

Well, that's exactly the sort of thing that bothers him.

Oh, nurse, let me see young dr. Young.

I'm awfully sick!

My dear, this is a hospital.

We have more important things to do than take care of sick people.

More important?!

We're preparing a tv series.

Oh, please, I've gotta see somebody!

Yes, and so you shall, my dear.

You shall indeed.

We are flying in...

At no expense to us but a bundle to you...

Of the most important surgeons in the world!

Mustn't keep them waiting, my dear.

I'll send them in the moment they arrive, doctor.

I, miss frobersher, shall make other arrangements.

Other arrangements?

The next of kin and who rides with the family.

Ohh!

Oh, so nice to see you, doctor... Doctor, uh...

Dr. Boyer!

Please, I do not have time for zee chit-chat, doctor.

I hope I have not arrived too late, eh?

Of course, of course. The services won't be until tomorrow.

Miss frobersher, neither the wind nor the rain

Nor the dark night could keep me from your side.

Isn't that what the mailmen say?

Oui. I graduated from a correspondent school.

Oh, doctor, you've got to tell me the truth. Please?

First I take ze pulse, eh?

Oh, well.

Doctor, I'm still alive!

Please, when I make a diagnosis, it's final.

Hey, something is wrong.

[Knock on door]

Put your hands down, partner.

It's me.

Oh, it's old doc dillon, specialist from the west.

Where's this sick filly?

Right this way, doctor.

Well, sorry, ma'am. Got here as soon as I could.

[Horse whinnies]

You came by horse?

Well, that's what slowed me down a little.

You see, I got a ticket on the freeway...

For attracting flies.

This, doctor, is a very sick girl.

Well, I'll have this case diagnosed in no time.

Let me see what it says here on the last roundup.

Well, now... We got a broken fetlock.

Doctor, that's the bedpost.

Don't listen to her.

She thinks she knows everything.

[Knock on door]

Oh, come in, please!

Dear, dear, dear, you look awful!

Oh, he ain't the patient.

Well, you look even worse.

I'm the patient!

Oh, well, stick out your tongue.

Ah, yes, well, I think we're going to have to operate.

Operate? What have I got?

Well, you've got a severe case of roomis igloomis.

Zat is what you have, all right.

What is roomis igloomis?

It's a medical term, my dear.

No concern of yours.

Oh, but I'm the one who's got it.

Well, if you insist upon knowing,

Igloomis is from the eskimo word igloo, meaning mush.

Roomis is from the latin word motel meaning vacancy

Or, in the layman's tongue, room;

Therefore roomis igloomis, mush room.

Mush room.

Mushrooms!

I ate poison mushrooms!

Zat is ze only way to catch roomis igloomis.

Well, let's get on with the operation.

I got to get back to a sick calf.

I will ring for the operating nurse.

Where is the ringer, eh?

The ringer?

[Mumbling]

You rang, doctor?

Hmm? Not yet.

Ohh, zis kind of nurse is my kind of nurse.

Now, see here, doctor.

We haven't got time for tomfoolery!

Oh, yes, we do.

I've got time for tom foolery.

d*ck and harry foolery, too.

We got to prepare for an operation.

Where can we find a kitchen table?

Just a minute, doctor. We've got to scrub up.

Now, nurse, where do we go to scrub up?

Walk this way, gentlemen.

We'll try and walk that way, ma'am,

But I don't think we'll make it.

No stampedin' now!

Oh, isn't anybody going to pay any attention to me?

I'm the one who's sick!

Ohh, please.

Please, somebody help me.

I'll help you, honey.

Oh, get old doctor young or young dr. Young.

I'm too young to die. Oh, please, help me.

Take it easy, honey, you're going to be all right.

You're going to be fine. Take it easy.

Wake up. Wake up, honey.

It's only a bad dream.

Wake up.

Where am i?

You were having a dream.

Pretty bad one from the way you were yelling.

Oh, it wasn't a dream, ginger.

I ate some poison mushrooms.

That's why you had a nightmare.

Mary ann, those mushrooms weren't poisonous.

W-well, why were the of you so nice to me?

You know. To make you forget horace higgenbothum.

Horace? What's he got to do with it?

He got married!

Horace higgenbothum got married?

Oh, the poor girl.

Poor girl?

Oh, ginger, horace is a real creep.

How come all those letters, all the ones I mailed?

Oh, I'm sorry about that, gilligan.

I guess I acted sort of foolish.

Well, you see, ginger has so many boyfriends,

And mrs. Howell has mr. Howell,

And I just wanted somebody to think I had someone,

So I invented a romance.

Oh, we all care for you.

Well, certainly. You didn't have to scare us half to death

To make us prove it.

Oh, I guess you think I'm pretty silly, huh?

Silly? Just because you write a letter

And address it to a guy you hardly know

And stuff it in a bottle

And throw it in the ocean?

Who would call that silly? Ha!

Hi, boys. What's for dinner?

Hi, mary ann.

Mushrooms.

Mary ann: what?

We're just kidding you, mary ann.

I guess it'll be a long time

Before you'll eat another mushroom.

Boy, you can say that again.

I guess it'll be a long time before...

Oh, ha ha ha!

You don't have to worry about mushrooms anymore.

I got a book that tells all about them.

You do?

Uh-huh, yeah, and it's called

"How to tell a mushroom from a toadstool,

By the late dr. Morton keptstoned."

Both: the late?

The late?

♪ Now this is a tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make ♪

♪ The best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate ♪

♪ And his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In their tropic island nest ♪

No phone... No lights...

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪