02x23 - Ship Ahoax

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship's aground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

[Thinking] the months of isolation,

Monotony, and boredom

Combined with the lack of any hope of rescue

Is driving us closer and closer to island madness.

It is only a matter of time

Before we are at each other's throats.

Skipper: gilligan, I gave you an order.

Gilligan: but, skipper...

Skipper: no "but, skippers," gilligan.

I gave you an order. Now, move it.

From now on, all the junk

That everybody asks you to store for them

Stays on your side of the hut.

What am I gonna do with it?

That's your problem because it's on your side.

I'll stay on mine, you stay on yours.

Well, how do I get to my side

Without going through your side?

You get to your side from the outside.

On the inside, you stay off my side.

Now, did you figure that out?

No, but how come you got that side?

Because I'm the captain.

Skipper, we're on land now.

When we're on land, we both have equal rights.

What was that?

I said, I got rights, too.

Gilligan, you've got what I decide you've got, and that's all.

I've decided I want this side.

Back!

This is my side.

This is my side.

Do this, gilligan. Do that, gilligan.

Gilligan. Always gilligan.

Don't tell me he threw you out.

Just let him try, boy. Just let him try.

Well, then, what's that?

Well, everybody's been using my side for their extra stuff.

Let 'em try that again. Just let 'em try.

Gilligan, there is no need to get angry.

I'm not angry. I'm mad.

Listen to me for a minute.

If you're gonna try to tell me

To make up with big, fat, and bossy, forget it.

Do you realize that we're sitting

On a keg of dynamite?

Where? Where? Where?

Not literally, but figuratively.

People cooped up on an island.

It won't take much to light the fuse.

That's ok with me.

No. There was a case some years ago.

Civilized people shipwrecked near melanesia.

All friendly. All helping each other. Until...

Until?

Island madness set in.

But we're not that kind of people,

We're nice kind of people.

So were they, until they destroyed each other.

Destroyed each other?

D-e-d? Dead?

Lovey, lovey, you did that on purpose.

I did not.

Yes, you did.

Well, I didn't today, but I will tomorrow.

What? You wouldn't dare.

In fact, until tomorrow.

Well, what do you want?

It's me, gilligan.

Well, I know who it is, gilligan.

What are you doing? Playing musical chairs?

It must be perfectly obvious, even to you

That I am alone.

Is mrs. Howell alone, too?

Naturally.

How come I see you both?

If you're collecting for some charity drive,

I always give at the office.

I'm not collecting for anything.

It's just that me and my ex-friend the skipper

Don't want our hut used for a closet.

Ok for you, miss high-and-mighty movie star,

You do, and you can just

Find yourself another roommate.

Oh, why don't you look where you're going?

I wasn't going. I was just standing.

Well, why are you always standing

Where other people are going?

Why are you mad at me?

I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at her.

Well, why are you yelling at me?

Because. That's not a good reason.

Well, it's a good enough reason for you.

[Knocking]

Who's there?

It's me, gilligan.

Come in.

Whose side are you on?

Oh, which side is her side,

And which side is your side?

My side's the right side.

Her side's the wrong side.

In my hut, the skipper's got the left side,

And I've got the right side.

If you've got the wrong side,

Then she's got the right side.

Who's got the left side?

Why can't you learn to speak english?

Because. That's no reason.

It's good enough for me.

Oh, you can put my things there

And throw her stuff over there.

What are you doing?

Fortune-telling. I'm trying to see

How many terrible things I can see for her.

Fortune-telling with cards?

Ginger, I don't even believe that.

You don't?

No. I don't believe in ghosts or goblins

Or the wicked witch of the west, either.

Do you know what card that is?

Of clubs.

You're wrong. It's the card of disaster.

It's the card which tells me

There's gonna be a terrible earthquake.

Oh, come on, ginger. I'm not dopey enough

[Rumbling] to believe anything like...

I'm dopey enough. I'm dopey enough.

Hold on.

Which card's doing that?

The of clubs. Oh.

[Sighs] it stopped.

Here it comes again!

Oh, I gotta go tell the others.

[Laughs]

We have those tremors all the time.

You see, that pot begins to shake just before it hits.

Well, you've convinced gilligan

That you're a th century prophet.

Well, the earthquake helped.

Listen, ginger.

Could you fool anyone else besides gilligan?

Well, sure I can. I learned from the best.

Hey, I broke into show business

With merlin the mind reader.

And I learned the seance and the crystal ball bit

From a phony sheik named ali ben casey.

Could you convince our friends out there

That a ship is on its way?

Well, I could pull a few tricks, professor,

But I don't think I could whip up a ship.

Well, it's important that they think one is coming soon.

Gee, that doesn't seem right.

I know, I know, but we've all reached the boiling point,

And unless we can give them some hope,

The lid will blow off.

Yeah. Mary ann and I

Nearly pulled each other's hair out,

And all over nothing.

Will you do it?

Well, it's not that simple, professor.

I mean, an audience, it has to be ready.

It's gotta be set up and conditioned.

Gilligan: and the of clubs is the earthquake card.

Skipper: gilligan, nobody can tell the future

With a deck of cards or anything else.

She can.

Well, she's gonna have to prove it to me.

Now, you see? You've convinced gilligan

With nothing more than a card trick.

In minutes, I could convince him

He's president johnson.

In , that he's lady bird.

Mary ann, aren't you going to listen to the : news?

I don't want to hear what's going on there while we're stuck here.

Skipper, where's the radio?

I sent gilligan for it. Gilligan!

Well, don't just stand there, put it down.

But skipper... On the table.

I know, skipper, but... Turn it on.

Will you just listen to me for a minute?

Oh, never mind, gilligan. I'll do it myself.

Well, how'd it get broken?

I don't know. It's just one of those things.

One of what things?

One of those broken radio things?

Well, I'll check it over.

I can probably have it ready

In time for the : news.

I only disconnected one wire.

Now, you sit down and listen carefully.

Here comes the : news,

Which will give you the predictions

You're gonna make for gilligan this afternoon.

Announcer: and on the sports scene,

It was army over navy to ,

And ohio state remained unbeaten

And will go to the rose bowl.

Hi, skipper. Hi, gilligan.

It's a shame about your navy.

What about my navy?

Army whopped 'em, to .

Oh, that's a great big lie.

Ginger says it's a great big true.

Oh, and you believe her. Yeah, I believe her.

Gilligan, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll bet you $ . That she's wrong.

I don't have any money, and besides, it wouldn't be fair.

All right, gilligan. Let's put it this way.

If she's wrong, you collect the firewood for a whole week, ok?

She's never wrong.

Collect the firewood for a whole week?

Weeks?

Weeks.

If ginger says it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen.

Ha. "Allied unlimited, up .

"International pump closed at a record high of ."

Ha! "Canadian petroleum..."

Oh, gilligan, my boy, that is ridiculous.

It's all true, mr. Howell. Ginger said so.

Oh, ginger is just pulling your leg.

She never laid a hand on me.

It's just a figure of speech.

And she's got a very nice figure.

Don't you understand? She's fooling you.

I'll bet she isn't.

Bet, did you say?

But I don't have any money.

Well, there must be something we could bet.

This coat, this...

Uh, how about who collects

The well water all next week?

You're on. You're on.

I'm gonna warn you, I'm gonna be

Awfully thirsty next week.

Ok, mr. Howell.

"Allied unlimited, up ."

That's not a prediction, that's a miracle.

Announcer: allied unlimited, up points.

Incredible!

The sports world was equally stunned

By army's to victory over navy.

Incredible.

I think it's very credible.

I could have bet she couldn't do it.

You did. A whole week's worth of water.

Now, I know, gilligan.

Week's worth of wood.

Boy, am I gonna take a lot of hot baths.

Ginger, my darling girl,

Come over here. Oh!

Did someone call me?

Sit here, ginger.

Sit here, my dear.

I think they're convinced.

You mean, about the predictions?

Yeah. That was nothing.

Nothing? Why, I could turn that town

Into enough loot to build a winter resort.

Oh, you said you always think big.

A winter resort?

You ever skied down a money hill, hmm?

Can you predict something else? Can you? Can you?

What would you like to know?

Oh, what I'd really like to know is...

When is the rescue ship coming?

Yes. Say yes. Could you?

I mean, w... Would you?

Tonight, at : .

Ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, sit down, gilligan. That's not necessary.

People in show biz like applause.

The professor isn't in show... Oh, never mind.

We're ready whenever she is, professor.

I give you one of the wonders of the world.

A phenomenon unheard of

Since the days of king solomon.

Ladies and gentlemen, mademoiselle ginger!

Gilligan, sit down.

She's in show business.

I'm getting a vision. It's coming clearer.

It's coming nearer. I see...

I see people on an island.

I told you. I told you.

Oh, even I can see that.

Would you two please be quiet?

Bravo, mary ann.

I see... I see a ship.

I see a large ship.

Uh, perhaps one of my ships.

I see another ship. And another.

And still another ship.

Good heavens. They're calling out my entire fleet.

Thurston, be quiet.

I'm sorry, darling.

Bravo, mrs. Howell.

On the side of the flagship,

I see the words written, "rescue mission."

I see a man in a blue suit...

No. No. It's a uniform.

Radio announcer: this is jonathan sanders, station wcau,

And we interrupt this broadcast

To bring you a bulletin from pearl harbor.

Admiral walker will personally head and search

For the missing destroyer, u.s.s. York.

When last heard from, it was in the same area

Which claimed the island pleasure boat minnow and her passengers.

Ships will comb that area

Starting at dawn tomorrow.

[All talking]

Oh! Ginger, what have you done?

It's wonderful, ginger!

I did it! I did it! Oh!

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Good morning, mary ann.

Good morning, professor.

It would seem that you've been

Using our razor to cut bamboo again.

You are as good a fortune teller as ginger.

By the way, have you and ginger

Settled your quarrel yet?

Quarrel? With a rescue ship on the way,

What's there to quarrel about?

Absolutely nothing.

Oh, good morning, gilligan.

It sure is. In fact, I said it to my big buddy.

Good morning, big buddy.

Don't tell me the united states post office

Has finally located us?

No. Ginger asked me to pass these out.

Oh. "Ginger the great. Sees all, knows all, tells all.

By appointment only."

Yeah, I'm gonna pass them all out so she'll take me.

It would appear, gilligan,

That she's going to take all of us.

One by one.

[Knocking]

Come in.

Well, this is very impressive.

Helps to put me in the mood

To predict the future.

Ginger, don't tell me you've fallen for your own act.

Why? I predicted the rescue ship,

And the radio confirmed it.

But that was just a coincidence.

Oh. All you skeptics are the same.

What you don't understand, you call a coincidence.

Now listen, ginger. Before this thing goes too far, i...

[Knocking]

Come in.

I'm sorry, professor.

I have another client waiting.

That's me. I'm the client.

So, you've nothing more to say...

No, no. Nothing.

That is, nothing shakespeare didn't say better.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave

When first we practice to deceive."

Boy, what he said. What did he say?

Oh, we mystics have problems with unbelievers.

Ah. Be seated, please.

Now. What would you like to know?

What's gonna happen to me after we're rescued?

Door to the future, open wide.

Help me take a look inside.

That's strange.

I can't see anything but a dense mist.

It's getting thicker.

Maybe you tuned in los angeles

And got a smog alert.

It's getting thicker. It's...

It's you, gilligan.

Stop breathing on the crystal ball.

Sorry.

I see a ship.

The same one you saw last night?

No. No, it's a different one.

Oh. Am I on it?

Yes. Yes, you're wearing a uniform.

First mate, huh?

No. No, on the cap, in gold braid,

It says, "captain."

Me, a captain?

That's what I see.

What else?

Oh, well, I see you at the wheel. Yeah.

There's a terrible storm. A coral reef.

Oh, yeah? That's enough. That's enough.

Enough? Well, maybe there's more.

Look, I'm the captain of my own ship, right?

Right. I'm in a terrible storm

Heading for a reef, right? Right.

Mmm. Take a peek.

You saved her!

Oh, boy. I don't go through

A storm like that again.

Well, don't you want to hear the rest?

No, I gotta go tell the skipper.

Ahoy there, fellow captain.

Ahoy there, fellow captain?

Now hear this: sweepers, man your brooms,

Fore and aft, and do all those dirty jobs

I used to do.

Gilligan, do you feel all right?

Ginger read her crystal ball,

And guess who's gonna be

The captain of his own ship?

You.

Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum.

Gilligan, you couldn't captain a toy ship in a rain barrel.

Yeah. If I get to be captain,

You can be my boatswain.

Boatswain?

Chief petty officer?

Gilligan, I'm a captain.

I don't think a ship can have captains.

That isn't exactly what I had in mind.

You're jealous, because you're afraid

I'll be a better captain than you.

Gilligan, one thing I do know for sure,

You're gonna be a smarter captain than I am.

I am? Oh!

Yes, because you're not gonna hire

A first mate as dumb as the one I hired.

You're right. I'm not gonna hire a first mate

As dumb as the one you hired.

That's me.

And another thing.

Back!

And another thing.

Well, I wish you'd tell me

What this is all about.

But, darling, I did.

Well, all you do is keep mumbling,

"Ginger money. Ginger money. Ginger money."

Has a lovely lilt, doesn't it?

[Knocking]

Come in, ginger money. I mean, ginger.

I hope I'm not late.

As a matter of fact, you are.

Uh, right on time.

It's awfully nice of you

To have me to tea.

Well, it's our pleasure.

Uh, ginger, mrs. Howell and I

Have grown very, very fond of you.

You have? We have?

Yes, yes, of course we have.

We'd be destroyed if we thought

That we'd be rescued and never see you again.

Oh, I'll be in hollywood.

You can always visit me.

The howells in hollywood?

Why, we wouldn't even apply for a passport.

You don't need a passport, mrs. Howell.

It's part of the united states.

Ah. Not in our part.

Uh, lovey, lovey. Uh, the present, remember?

Uh, what?

Uh, yes, the... The present.

The m-i-n-k.

Oh, yes.

Uh, ginger, we are a very lonely couple.

Oh, I thought you had millions of friends.

No, we have millions of dollars,

But very, very few friends, my dear.

Oh, that's too bad.

I know it.

Uh, which one do you like?

Oh, they're both fabulous.

Oh, for me?

Yes, yes. For you.

But why?

To make you happy.

Oh, do you mind?

Of course.

And to make us happy, all you have to do

Is give me the prices one hour before the market opens.

It wouldn't be fair, mr. Howell.

We're talking a financial deal,

Not the honor system.

Anybody want to hear the news?

Later, later, gilligan.

Oh, but I want to see how close our rescue ship is.

Oh, did she shake on it?

Not yet. Not yet.

Not yet. Not yet.

Radio announcer: now, the latest word on the intense search

For the missing destroyer, u.s.s. York

Is mission accomplished. The boat has been found,

And all aboard are safe. The hunt is over.

The fleet is headed back to pearl harbor.

Well, so much for our rescue.

You said they were coming for us.

Well, what about it, ginger?

Well, uh...

Well, go ahead, ginger. Tell them.

Tell them?

Yes, what you told me not minutes ago.

Ginger saw in her crystal ball that the york was found.

Yeah, but what about the ship

That's coming to rescue us?

Well how about that?

Mademoiselle ginger will give you

The exact date, hour, and day of its arrival...

Tonight.

I won't. You must.

Professor, I'm all through

Conning myself and them.

But you saw what it did for their morale.

The answer is no. N-o, no.

Hi, professor. You all set?

For what? To read my future.

I can't wait to see what's gonna happen next.

Gilligan, I've got to tell you something.

No. First, we're gonna sit down

And stare into the crystal ball.

Oh.

Oh, my. It's cracked.

Never mind, ginger. I know my future.

Everybody's gonna k*ll me.

Oh, no, they won't.

They won't?

No, she can do the same thing with a seance.

Seance? Wait till I tell the others.

Ginger, can you do a seance?

Now, he asks me.

[Whispering] where's the professor?

He thinks it's silly.

Why are we whispering?

Well, it's : on the dot. Ooh.

Mademoiselle ginger, we're ready.

Are there any unbelievers present?

Unbelievers, stand up.

Oh, gilligan. She doesn't need any help.

What do we do now, ginger?

Everybody must be very, very quiet.

Hold your fingers lightly on the table.

O spirits, if you can hear me,

Make the table rise.

Lower the table, o spirits.

Ow! No talking!

But... Shh!

Oh, thank you, spirit.

Now, I will see if the spirits are willing to speak.

O spirits of kitchatoomie,

Are you ready to speak?

[Muffled honking]

Louder.

[Honking]

Ginger: louder.

[Loud honking]

The spirits are ready to speak.

Now, does anyone have any questions?

I have a question.

You will have to write out your questions.

Gilligan. Huh?

Don't you have any questions to ask?

I want to talk to my uncle john.

Well, write it out.

He can't read.

Now, let me see what I can ask you.

I already know what I want to know.

The boat. How about the boat? The boat.

The rescue boat will arrive... When? When?

Not soon enough for friends so true.

Look for the boat when the moon is blue.

Oh. It's a blue moon, skipper. It's a blue moon.

That's nice, gilligan. Now, good night.

But that means the rescue ship is coming.

I've gotta go light the signal fire.

Gilligan.

I'm afraid you're wasting your time

Building that signal fire.

Well, I didn't want to show you this before,

But now, I guess I'll have to. Read it.

Where did you get this? Ooh!

"Please don't tell anyone I'm a fake"?

Remember at the seance the other night,

When she handed out those blank pieces of paper

For us to write on?

Well, this is what was written on mine.

I didn't even look at mine.

Well, you shoved it in your pocket, remember?

Yeah, but I still got it.

There, you see?

Mmm. What an honor, skipper.

We're the only people she trusts.

That's right, little buddy,

And we're not going to let her down, are we?

No, siree, skipper. There's some things bigger than boats.

That's exactly right, gilligan. Exactly right.

I still think it sounded like my uncle john.

Oh, gilligan, it was a trick.

Now, will you go to seep?

How come the table went up and down?

Like I said, gilligan, she used some sort of a trick.

I don't know what she did, but that's what it was.

Don't you believe in anything?

Gilligan, I don't believe in magic, if that's what you mean.

Me, neither.

Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that.

Now, please go to sleep.

Sir, I think it might get cold tonight.

Do you want me to get some blankets?

I'll get it for you.

Oh, that's ok, skipper. I'll get it.

Blanket, blanket, on the shelf,

Come to gilligan by yourself.

Gilligan.

Night, skipper.

G-g-good night, gilligan.

♪ Now this is a tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In their tropic island nest ♪

♪ No phone, no light ♪

♪ No motor cars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪