02x16 - Call Me What the Kat Dragged In

[bunniefuu]

Wait, what the hell?

Why are you wearing
somebody's old-ass tablecloth?

Oscar's coming over
and I broke his heart.

So I feel like, as the dumper,
I owe it to the injured party,

i.e. the dumpee, to not
flaunt my feminine wiles

in this, his time of need.

Well, mission accomplished.

Why do you even own that?

It was ten years ago,
it was an art fair,

I was probably high on kettle corn.

Wait, is all that Oscar's?
You know the move here

is to sell what you
can and throw the rest

of that crap in the river.

Oh, great. So, then I'll
be home, watching the news,

and they'll be dragging
a dead body from the river

and it'll be wearing Oscar's
Imagine Dragons T-shirt?

How will I feel then?

- Wait, isn't this your tablet?
- Oh, yeah,

but Oscar used to play
Grand Theft Auto on it.

I thought b*ating up pimps
might be good for him right now.

Fine, but he is not getting
these brownies that you made.

No, they're chocolate
scotcheroos, his favorite.

You're giving him a
damn breakup gift basket.

You think I should
skip all this and just

read him the haiku I wrote?

Do not... I repeat, do not...

read Oscar a haiku.

You haven't even heard it...

- No, oh, eh!
- (KNOCKING)

Haikus and scotcheroos. Crazy person.

Hey.

Hey, come on in.

Here. This is all your stuff.

Okay, right to it. (CHUCKLES)

Lemon-scented and ForceFlex. Bougie.

(CHUCKLES)

That mine?

Yeah. And-and a few extra things, too.

I-I thought you should
have custody of our shared

froyo punch card. Two more
and you get a free sundae.

Premium toppings excluded.

Okay.

And in your email
you'll be finding a link

to a Spotify breakup playlist.

minutes of songs that speak to

where your heart is right now.

How much of it is Adele?

Well, I think the right amount.

So, all of it.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

- Oscar, can we talk?
- About what?

Well, you-you know I feel horrible

about how this went down.

You feel horrible?

I had to bring back an engagement ring.

The guy looked at me like
I was some kind of loser

who got his proposal sh*t down.

You know why? 'Cause I am.

Love, big, and gorgeous,

a bear's life in the forest,

now, hibernation.

Goodbye.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oscar heartbroken,

art fair kettle corn yummy,

play, sad playlist,

play.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

This goes out to all the
broken hearts out there.

And all the breakers of those hearts.

And to you, cookie dough
ice cream, because you...

are the real hero today.

♪ I've been alone with you ♪

♪ Inside my mind ♪

♪ And in my dreams
I've kissed your lips ♪

♪ A thousand times ♪

♪ I sometimes see you

♪ Pass outside my door ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Is it me you're looking for? ♪

Yes, it is, 'cause we're concerned.

Why? I'm great. I'm great. Ah.

Are you sure? Because
you took your lunch break

three hours ago and now you
are shotgunning boxed wine

like you just got into Sigma Chi.

I hate seeing you so upset.

There, there.

Ah, the comfort of a mother's touch.

Brought you a sandwich
and fries. Why don't you

have some of this and a
little less peach moscato?

I don't deserve fries.
Fries are for good people,

like Oscar or Jesus or Savannah Guthrie.

With those abs,

there's no way Jesus ate fries.

Randy, did I just throw
away my only chance at love

and now I'm destined to die alone?

Probably. There, there.

Can you pat me with the hand
that doesn't have rings on it?

Oh, I'm sorry, that's my wedding ring.

I guess you wouldn't understand.

Oh, Kat, it-it's time to stop
feeling sorry for yourself.

Get back on your feet
and live your life.

- How am I supposed to do that?
- Ooh! I don't know.

But maybe first take a shower,

because you smell like
cheap wine and sadness.

And just a kiss of B.O.

Yeah, get out of the
house. Go get some dinner.

You know, after that shower.

Well, who wants to have
dinner with me tonight?

Oh, tonight? Nicole and I are
going on a riverboat cruise.

Carter's working and I have class.

Sheila and I are going
to see Dolly Parton.

But we could skip it.

Shut your stupid little mouth.

I'm sorry,

it's just... it's Dolly.

No, actually, this is better. You know,

I need to get used to being alone again.

Yeah, I'll take myself out to dinner.

There you go. You spent

the first years of your
life alone, you can do more.

In a good way.

Hi there. Someone else joining you?

Nope, party of one. Or
should I say party of fun.

Can I get you something to drink?

Complimentary bread?

I'll take a martini

and bread that tells me
I'm pretty. (CHUCKLES)

Complimentary? Wordpl...
I'll take the martini.

Ooh.

Cloudy with a %
chance of rain tomorrow.

Okay.

Software update? Uh,
yes, please. (CHUCKLES)

How you two doing tonight?

I like your top. Very Meghan Markle.

Thank you.

Is that the risotto?
I was looking at that.

How's the mouth feel?

It's good.

Four stars from my table-neighbor.

- Here you go.
- Thank you. Oh,

Oh, she forgot my
bread. Guess she's trying

to get her steps in. (CHUCKLES)

NICK: Hey, Kitty Kat.

Nick?

He owns the sandwich
shop down the street.

So annoying, so full of himself,

so chiseled and buff. Blech.

Eating by yourself?

- Uh, yes. Taking myself on a little date.
- Hm.

I'll take lamest Friday
night for , Ken.

Uncalled for.

For your information, I'm
having a lovely time, and...

Why are you sitting down?

Well, 'cause I don't like
eating standing up. (CHUCKLES)

Ooh, that a martini?

Uh, it's my-tini.

My-tini?

You know, that kind of wordplay
might be why you're alone.

(DOOR OPENS)

What's up, baby?

Oh, hey. What-what are you doing here?

In my home. Alone.

Oh, I spilled cherry
syrup on myself at the bar.

Max thought I got stabbed.

That boy is so sheltered.

I mean, I also yelled,
"Aah! I got stabbed!"

Anyway, your place is closer than mine,

so I came here to clean up.

Well, how did you get in?

Max gave me a key.

Mm.

So, how was art history?

Oh, dull. Two hours of impressionists...

it's blurry, we get it.

Well, uh, maybe I can
help liven up your day.

You want to, you know...

(VOCALIZES FUNKY TUNE)

Or you can vacuum that couch

because you eat like a
first grader at story time.

What if we, uh... (VOCALIZES FUNKY TUNE)

(SINGSONGY): right now?

And then I'll vacuum after?

Okay.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

I'll vacuum now.

So, yeah, Louisville Magazine
wants to do an article about me

calling me the charcuterie cutie.

I mean, I didn't come up with it,

but you can tweet me...

@Charcuterie_QT.

I bet you a hundred bucks this guy

doesn't ask a single thing about me.

So, what's going on with you?
How are things at the cat café?

Well, obviously, I can't
pay each of you $ .

But isn't what we
have better than money?

Did you just ask about me?

Yeah. How's business?

Good. I mean,

kind of thought by now
I'd be in a position

to buy my building, but I
did just get a new cat tree.

I'm just gonna smile and
pretend that that's not pathetic.

And I'm just gonna
smile and pretend like

you're not a giant douche.

I normally suck at comebacks,
but that was pretty good, right?

I am at most a medium douche. But, hey,

buying your building
would be a good investment.

Yeah. Just, I'm starting
to think about retirement.

Plus, I could put a billboard
of myself on the roof

that says, "Yo, Louisville,
I own this bitch."

By the way, where's your boyfriend?

Um, actually, Oscar and I broke up.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Hey, relationships are tough.

I thought I'd be on
my third wife by now.

You really think three
women would marry you?

In my mind, one and
three are the same woman.

If I can fool her once,
I can fool her twice.

(CHUCKLES) And wife number two

would just go back to being the nanny.

- Exactly.
- (LAUGHS)

Wait, am I having a good time?

I am having a good time.

Rebound sex is awesome.

Excuse me.

Oh, dear.

This seemed like such
a good idea last night.

Nick.

Nick?

Still breathing.

Still b*ating.

Still taut and juicy.

Nick.

Nick!

I'm new to casual sex. Is this normal?

Yeah, hey, Randi, um...

can you come up here for a second?

Yeah, and if you've got 'em, um,

bring jumper cables.

Well, look what the Kat dragged in.

Ha, ha, ha, very clever.

Can you holster your
wit and help me wake him?

Well, what did you do to him?

I did all the, you know,

good sex stuff.

Which obviously left him depleted.

Or it was his sleeping pills.

It was the sex stuff.

Look, Kat, I'm all for you

getting your spice where
it's nice, but Nick... really?

Trust me, I don't want
people to know. Just help me

- get him to the shower.
- Okay.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Does he have boxers on?

'Cause I do not want to start my day

with all that flopping at me.

We're good. Flopper in the cage.

- Okay, just... I'll get...
- All right. Okay.

- Okay. (GRUNTS)
- Ooh.

Was he this heavy when
he was on top of you?

Actually, I was the one who was on t...

- You know what, never mind. Just go over there.
- Okay, okay.

- Got it?
- Got it.

- Three, two, one.
- (GRUNTS)

Oh. Uh...
- Oh, wait...

Is this your first threesome?

Okay, new plan, new plan.

We leave him a note

and I tell him to go out the front door.

That way no one'll see him.

Okay. That'll work.

But why does it smell
like stripper in here?

Oh, strawberry love oil.

My mom gives it to me every Hanukkah.

It's kosher.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey Randi, can I get a coffee?

We're out.

You just gave some to that guy.

Oh, well, that guy
didn't give my boyfriend

a key to my apartment.

Come on, it's not that big a deal.

Aw, well, neither is
making your own damn coffee.

(SIGHS) Phil, can I get a coffee?

Sorry, I'm team Randi. She scares me.

I got you. She doesn't scare me.

But if she asks, you got
this out of the garbage.

Hey, Sheila. How's it going?

Oh, I was just accosted

by a pack of youths begging for money.

Mother, those are Girl
Scouts selling cookies.

Giving them a name
only legitimizes them.

How was your evening?

Fine. I-I took myself out, it was fine.

What'd you do?

Just went to dinner.

And then what?

Why do you assume there's a "then what"?

There was no "then what." Back off, Max.

I am not impressed with
the customer service today.

Uh, Kat?

Oh, oh, this is not good.

Hey Kitty Kat, can I get a coffee to go?

Oh, my. It appears Ms.
Silver had a gentleman caller.

So there was a "then what."

Katharine, I didn't
know you had it in you.

Oh, she had it in her.

Um... (CHUCKLES) what are-what
are you doing down here?

Didn't you get my note?

Yeah, "Last night was great.
Please go out the front door."

Not this front door. The
front door to my apartment.

A-And I didn't write
"last night was great."

I wrote "I had a great time."

The sex was great, you know,

and so what if the sex was
great? I deserve great sex.

Wrong front door, Nick!

Hey, baby. You want some eggs?

What are you doing here again?

I thought I'd squeeze in a
nap during my lunch break.

Why are you wearing my bonnet?

Oh, I didn't bring my own.
I got to protect the gold.

And my robe?

If I'm napping, I'm taking my pants off.

Plus, this is buttery
soft and smells amazing.

How do you do that?

I wash it. But who let you in?

I did. Max gave me the key, remember?

- Wh... I thought you gave that back.
- Why would I do that?

Because I am not ready for you
to have a key to my apartment.

What's the big deal? You
have the key to my heart.

No. No, no, no, that was your
lame-ass Valentine's Day present

- because you forgot.
- (GASPS)

I got news for you:

your free massage coupons just expired.

Carter, you can't just come
over here whenever you want.

- Well, why not?
- Because it's too much like we're living together.

Oh, and I guess that's a bad thing.

Look at yourself. It's not a good thing.

Fine. I'll go drain my bubble bath,

blow out the candles and leave.

- Hey, Kat.
- What's going on?

Can I get a double bourbon?

You know it's : in the afternoon.

I need a bartender, not a clock.

I don't know what's going on,

but this is not a good day to be a man.

- You okay?
- Yeah,

I'm sorry. Just, life keeps

kicking me right in my girl balls.

Still upset about Oscar?

No. I mean, yes, but,

it's, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

- talking about the other stuff.
- CARTER: Oh.

Is this about you and Nick getting busy?

Did you tell him?

Kat, come on, I care about
you, I wouldn't do that.

Your mother did.

So what do I do about Nick?

It was a one-night stand.
You do the same thing I did

when I hooked up with
your roommate in college.

That happened more than once.

God, I miss college.

Yeah. I never went to college.

But I had a lot of one-night stands.

Well, I have never had one
before. What happens next?

Nothing. You've done
everything and everyone

that needed to be done.

CARTER: Yeah. You had your fun.

Now you just got to
hope it isn't too awkward

at your son's next
parent-teacher conference.

Well, I'm gonna see him all the time.

Like, what do I do if
he wants more of this?

Sex moves.

Hey, Brutus. Looking handsome.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, what about me? I'm
handsome. I do good work.

I've been told.

By you. Last night.

Three times.

Damn these sex moves.

Yeah, that's kind of what I
wanted to talk to you about.

Talk away, Kitty Kat.

Um, well, last night was fun,

but it was kind of a low point for me.

Like, this is forgetting to wear a bra

on seventh grade picture day, and then

this is you, like, way down here,

below clogging the toilet

at Captain Darby's
Shrimp Boat after prom.

Wow, awesome stories.

You should go tell 'em on TikTok.

Um, uh, yeah, so, I just
wanted to make it clear

that, uh, last night
was a-a one-time thing.

Okay.

You know, hit it and quit it.

Yep.

Hump 'em and dump 'em.

I got it.

Sex-it and ex-it.

Yes, I'm familiar with
how one-night stands work.

Okay, good, I'm just not
in the headspace right now

to take a lover.

Wow, "headspace to take a lover."

(ENGLISH ACCENT): So, Lady Chatterly's
closed her bedchambers, then?

I'll see you around, Nick.

(REGULAR ACCENT): Hey, you
want to have breakup sex

on a giant wheel of
parmesan cheese in the back?

What is wrong with you?

How does he know just
the right thing to say?

Let's do this.

All right, the score is
nine to nine, next one wins.

BOTH: One, two, three.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, you're going down, little man.

I'm big where it counts.

Oh, that makes me uncomfortable.

I meant my quads. But
also the other thing.

- (RIP)
- Oh! Did you just fart?

You know that's an a*t*matic forfeit.

No. But I think I ripped my pants.

You want to give up?

- Hell no.
- Oh... (GRUNTS)

Uh, what are y'all doing?

- Working.
- Working.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. (GROANING)

I got to go change my pants.

What's up?

Not much. Just haven't
seen you in a couple days.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, I've been, uh, busy.

Okay. Well, you want
to come over tonight?

Nah, I-I don't think so.

Are you sure? 'Cause we can
have dinner and then maybe,

you know... (VOCALIZES FUNKY TUNE)

It's been a long week.
I'm kind of tired.

Okay, what's going on?

I was thinking that maybe I should

take a step back
from-from this, from us.

- Wait, what?
- I... I feel like

you've been fighting this relationship

every step of the way.

Is this 'cause of the key thing?

Because we both agreed
we would take this slow.

We were taking it any slower,
we'd be going backwards.

Wow. Well,

sorry I'm not sticking to your schedule.

Did you put my backup
pants in the freezer?

I'm not in a joking
mood. But yeah, I did.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Um, hey, Randi, I-I know

you're having some problems with Carter.

If you think it might help,

I do have a "trouble
with your boo" playlist.

How much of it is Adele?

Look, I can't help it if her songs

apply to almost every situation.

Well, actually, it would
help to talk this out

with someone who understands guy drama.

Well, my dear, you've
come to the right place.

- I have a lot of...
- Phil.

Step into my office, darling.
You can call me Dr. Phil.

Hey.

Hey. I'm, uh, glad you're
here. We should probably talk.

Oh, let me guess... the
lady regrets her dalliances,

both upon bed and upon cheese?

Yes. That is never happening
again. Especially not right now,

'cause Randi and Phil
are in the kitchen.

Well, that's probably best, because

I got a lot of work to do anyway.

- I just came by to thank you for your idea.
- What idea?

Well, the other night you
mentioned buying your building,

so I looked into it.

You-you looked into this
building? My building?

- Soon to be my building.
- Your building?

Yeah, I'm buying it. I'm
gonna be your new landlord.

This guy just found
another way to screw me.

He owns my building. He owns
the room that I sleep in.

And the room he sometimes sleeps in.

Hey, that was just once.

Mm, I heard it was more than once.

How'd you hear that?
I didn't tell anyone.

- You just told me.
- (GASPS)

Oh, gosh. Well, what can I say?

It's these unstoppable sex moves.

Yeah.

- Here.
- What's this?

- Just open it.
- Whoa.

My own robe. Won't flatter my
figure like yours, but thanks.

Check the pocket.

- It's a key to my apartment.
- Really?

Yeah. You were right, I have been

- fighting this relationship.
- Why?

Look, I already pay somebody
by the hour to talk about it.

Just trust me, I don't
want to screw this up.

Baby, I think we both know that

I would be the one to screw this up.

So, you can come over whenever you want.

Appreciate that.

Just make sure you text
me three hours in advance.

- Not a problem.
- And Sunday morning is my time.

- Yes, Lord, it is.
- And no more than two days in a row.

Are you sure you want me to have this?

No, but I gave it to you anyway.

Maybe I'll surprise
you and stop by tonight.

- (CHUCKLES) Don't.
- Got it.

KAT AND MAX: One, two, three. (GRUNTING)

- Oh, you're so strong!
- Oh, geez!

For the record,

these are not my unstoppable sex moves.

♪ I do it big, big, big ♪

♪ This ain't no medium,
this ain't no medium ♪

♪ I let 'em gas me up ♪

♪ Only take premium, only take premium ♪

♪ Do what I want, want,
want, so disobedient ♪

♪ Say I don't got the juice,
you a comedian, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ I do it big, big, big ♪

♪ So big, large ♪

♪ Only take premium, only take premium ♪

♪ This ain't no medium,
this ain't no medium. ♪