06x08 - Fred's Extra Job

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Pop. Hi, son.

If you wanted to
know what I was doing,

why didn't you just ask me?

I don't want to know
what you're doing.

Your business is your business,
and what I do is my business.

But what I want to know
is what are you doing?

Well, I'm adding up all the
money I got in the whole world.

Including your
part of this empire?

I said I'm adding.
I'm not subtracting.

Oh, come on, son. This
empire is worth a fortune.

Look over here.

Look at this antique lamp here,

formerly the property of
the mayor of El Segundo.

Fifteen hundred dollars.

And this week only,
for a clearance sale...

$1.98.

And look at this
hand-carved living-room chair,

formerly prized by the Duck
and Duckess of Windsor.

That's Duke and Duke-ess.

And I'm your son,
I'm not a customer.

Would you stop it? Why
don't you face it, Pop?

This empire of
yours is worthless.

How can you call
this empire worthless?

It represents my life's work.

Calling this empire worthless
is like calling me worthless.

And you know I...
I'm not worthless.

[TEARFULLY] Don't you?

Uh, do you?

Am I?

Pop, do you know how old I am?

Of course I know
how old you are.

I was there the day you was born

and nine months before that.

Pop, I'm 36 years
old, and this...

is all the money
I've got in the world.

Let me see that.

Nothing.

That's right.

Son... What?

You worthless.

Yeah,

I'm worthless, penniless,
broke, busted and...

A dummy. Pop.

I thought that was the
word you were searching for.

No, I was searching
for some money.

I'm engaged to be married
to Janet, and she's got a son.

And, Pop, I want nice
things for her and Roger, man,

and... all I got is
the shirt on my back.

It's awful.

It's worse than that.

What do you mean?

That shirt on your back is mine.

I know. I'll see you later.

Where you going?

Well, I got thinking to
do. I'm going upstairs.

Listen, why don't you just sit
down here and think with me?

I'd rather think alone, Pop.

You shouldn't be alone.
I mean, you're upset.

I'm going upstairs,
Pop. Please, son.

Just come here and
sit down on the couch,

and you'll think and I'll think.

And I'll sit over
here in my chair.

Like father and son. Come on.

You mean you're just gonna
sit there and let me think?

That's right.

I'll think and you'll
think. We'll both think.

What do you think?

Well, all right.

[SIGHS]

What are you doing?

Don't interrupt me.

I didn't interrupt you while
you was thinking about...

Uh... Thinking...

What were you thinking about?

If you must know, I was
thinking about getting another job.

You mean an extra
job other than this one?

No, one other
job, a full-time job

so I can make enough
money to support a family, Pop.

But, son, you don't need that.

Ain't no problem
getting hold of no money.

See, when Janet and
Roger move in here...

They're not moving in here.
And I've already told you that.

And I'm moving out of here, Pop.

The time has come
for me to start being pop

and stop being son.

For 36 years, I've been son.

Now I want a place of my own

where I can be pop and
someone else can be son.

Well, if that's
what's bothering you,

you can be that here... Pop.

Forget it.

[PHONE RINGS]

Say, Bubba, I want to thank you

for coming down here with me.

See, because I don't
trust these bankers at all.

Because that's
why I brought you,

because I need another brain.

Why don't you want Lamont
to know about this loan?

Because he wouldn't
take the money

if he knew I had borrowed it.

Well, what are
you gonna tell him?

I'll just tell him it's a gift,

that I've been
saving it all my life

and it's his wedding present.

That's good.

And if he buys that,

I got some oceanfront property
in Kansas you can sell him.

Well, why don't you go see if
you can get a safety-deposit box

so you can lock
your mouth up in it?

Gentlemen, may I help you?

Yes, you can help me.

Uh, it's not both
of us. It's just him.

He needs the help. I'm
here as another brain.

Will you shut up?

How may I help you? I wanna
borrow some money, see.

My name is Fred G. Sanford.

The G is for "Gelt."

And if you give it
to me, I'll be gone.

Exactly how may I help you?

Uh, I'd like to
mortgage my empire.

I beg your pardon?

I have a wall-to-wall
empire here in Los Angeles.

I'd like to know how
much money I can get on it.

Yeah, what he wants to do,
he wants to hock his junkyard.

Will you shut up?

I see. What is the
address of this empire?

Uh, that's 9114 South Central.

Uh, South...? [LAUGHS]

South Central
Avenue. Let me see.

That's... That's...

Three hundred
blocks, four hundred,

five, six, yes... Oh,
it's way down there.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's a junkyard with
a and/or recreation area.

Recreation area?

Oh, you mean like a
seesaw and a swimming pool.

More like a hacksaw
and a cesspool.

Bubba, why don't you go outside

and lay in front of
the drive-in window?

How old is this place?

Well, it was there when I
bought the property in 1945.

So it's at least 31 years old.

At that address,

with a lot of 60
feet by 80 feet...

Mm-hmm. Yes.

That means you'll loan
me some money on it?

Why, certainly.
Everything has some value.

Great, well, we'll
just wait right here

until you get back
from the vault.

Yes, well, for that transaction

I don't have to get
it from the vault.

I can get it from my pocket.

You gotta be kidding.

Only slightly, Mr. Sanford.

You see, that particular
piece of property

is practically worthless.

But it's got a
two-story dwelling

and a kitchen that has
all the latest appliances,

including the original
pop-up toaster

that Ma Kettle used to
warm her buns up with.

Well, I can loan you $6000
against your house, Mr. Sanford.

$6000? That's all.

$6000 for my entire empire?

That's about it.

I can't believe that.

An entire empire: Land,
dwelling, running water,

and the tireless effort
of 30 years of hard work

with a guy that came to
this town without a penny

and now has
thousands of dollars.

You got thousands? Where
did you get thousands?

From him. I'll take it.

Fine. Now, uh,
how do you want it?

Uh, cash.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I mean, as
a mortgage or a personal loan?

Well, uh, what's the difference?

Well, you could pay a
mortgage off monthly for 25 years.

Really? 25 years
into 6000 is about...

What? Let's see.
Uh... That's 240.

Two hundred and
forty, uh, dollars a year

divided by 12, goes into 240...

That's $20 per...
Twenty dollars a month.

That's only a
dollar... $5 a week.

And five working days...
That's merely a dollar a day.

For 25 years!

Are you crazy?

Do you think I'm gonna be
paying back a loan 25 years?

Easy, Fred. Easy.

You loan shark!

Mr. Sanford, please!

Loan shark!

Please, Mr. Sanford.
Listen to me.

Speak up, Jaws.

The truth is if I loan
you $6000 for 25 years,

it will come to approximately
8000 with interest.

$8000?

Loan whale!

Oh! Mr. Sanford.

Loan whale! Please, Mr. Sanford.

Be calm, Fred, be calm.

Don't be telling me to be calm.

I'm standing here in
the bank with Moby d*ck,

and you're telling
me to be calm?

Well, why don't we make
it a personal loan of $6000

and we'll keep your
house as collateral?

Good. And I can use
him as a balloon payment.

Hey, Fred, you gonna give
Lamont the money right now?

Yeah. And you better not
tell him how I got it either.

Okay, but how you gonna
keep him from finding out

you gonna get an extra
job to pay back the loan?

That's my business.

Listen, just remember, you
don't know nothing. Not a thing.

Well, don't worry.
My lips are sealed.

Oh, hey, Bubba. How
you feeling, buddy?

Mm-m-m-hm. Mm-m-m-m-hmmm.

Mm-m-m-m.

Mm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!

Mmm-mm-mmm-mmm-mmmm...

What was that all about?

Oh, don't pay no
attention to Bubba, son.

See, Bubba brushed
his teeth this morning,

and he don't
wanna get 'em dirty.

Sit down.

Well, I don't have
time. I just got in.

I wanna get upstairs and
change 'cause I gotta go to Janet's.

You can wait a minute, can't
you? I got a surprise for you.

Pop, I gotta go pick up Janet.

We're gonna go have dinner,

and then buy the paper
and see if I can't find a job.

Well, as long as you're
looking through paper,

uh, here's some more paper
you might like to look through.

Pop, where did
you...? That's $6000.

Six thous...

Six thousand dollars?
Where did you get $6000?

What is this money
for? It's for you, son.

It's a wedding present, see.

And I knew that you and Janet
could put down on a nice house.

Where did you get
this money, Pop?

Uh, I been saving it
ever since you were born.

Every day I would
hide a few nickels here

and a few pennies over there

and some dimes and quarters

and 50-cent pieces.

'Cause I knew this
moment would come, see?

And when you got married,

I wanted to be
able to give you this

so you didn't have to worry
about getting another job.

Then I can see you every day.

You took $6000 worth
of coins to the bank?

That's unbelievable, Pop.

You telling me.

If that had been
a bus to Europe,

I'd have had the exact change.

Where did you hide $6000 worth

of nickels, dimes,
pennies and quarters?

Well, uh, see,

you know that old milk can
that was out there in the yard?

The one I sold yesterday?

Yeah, yeah.

See, well, it was right
next to that old stove...

That I sold with the milk can.

Well, see, wait.

Right between them,

buried down in the
ground i-i-in a bag,

was all this change.

Well, I don't know
what to say, Pop.

Um... Well...

I-I... You saved all that
money for me? What can I say?

Well, try to say something nice.

You're really special,
Pop. You know that?

I mean, saving for me
every day of your life.

I think that's great,
Pop. Thanks a lot.

Oh, that's all right, son.

Now, see, now you
can go get dressed

and then go tell Janet

that you don't have
to look for no other job.

Yeah!

But I do.

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah. I took this
sign out your window.

Oh. Put it back on your way out.

No, I came to apply for the job.

Hmm. Have you had
any experience with food?

I eat three meals a day.

No, no, I mean have you
ever worked in a restaurant?

[BRITISH ACCENT] Certainly.

After World w*r II I
was quite down-and-out.

I arrived in London flat broke.

I didn't even have a pence.

But I had a jacket
and a nice tie.

So I got a job working in the
finest restaurant in London.

Hmm! That's very impressive.

Pip-pip! Good show.

Tallyho, and, uh,
how's your crumpets?

Well, can you supply
any references?

Of course. I have an
encyclopedia at home.

I'll be glad to bring it.

All right, you've got the
job. Be here at 6 sharp.

May I ask what the wages
are? Oh, $15 a night.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Fifteen bucks! Is that all?

What happened to your
accent? That'll cost you $5 extra.

Very well.

Here's your uniform.

But I want to warn you.

This is not like
working in London.

You'll have to set up the tables

and clear them after all the
people are finished eating.

Tell me, do you mind bussing?

Well, if it's okay with
the Supreme Court,

it's all right with me.

[SNORING]

Pop!

[BRITISH ACCENT]
Huh? May I help you?

I wish you would.

The sign outside says
"Sanford and Son,"

not "Sleeper and Son."

And I need a partner to do his
share of the work around here.

I'm doing my share.
No, you're not, Pop.

You haven't been. That's
what I want to talk to you about.

Good. Sit down, sit down.
Tell me what's on your mind.

Well, you're what's
on my mind, Pop.

Now, for the last week,
you've been in a daze, man.

You know, you've been
half-asleep half the time

and all asleep
the rest of the time.

Well, son, maybe
I'm getting older.

You are getting older,
Pop. We're all getting older.

But you gotta get more sleep
at night, not in the daytime, man.

You're not... You're not
sleeping enough at night.

I mean, you know, all day
long you're asleep and then...

[SNORING]

Pop! May I help
you please, miss?

Oh!

Pop, you gotta stop
going out every night.

I can't stop, son.
You know Donna.

I mean, she's
young and attractive,

and when she wants
to go out, I have to go,

or she'll give me up
for a younger man.

Now, that doesn't
sound like Donna.

I know it doesn't
sound like Donna.

I don't do imitations.

Pop, I mean... I
know what you mean.

You stay out of my business
and I stay out of yours.

See, you not the
only man in this family

that has those
romantic evenings.

Pop.

All right, well, at least
you're not going out tonight.

Why? Wh-what
time is it? It's 5:30.

Oh, I got to go. I'll be late.

Oh, don't tell me
you're going out tonight!

No, I'm going out tonight. I
mean, that's right, you know it.

But Donna doesn't
get off from work till 6.

That's right. Are you suggesting
that I be cheating on Donna?

Now, you know she's
the only girl I'd go out with.

Get in the truck.
I'll drive you.

What's the hurry? She
doesn't get home till 6.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
LAMONT: Coming!

Hello, dear.

Donna! What are you doing here?

I came by to visit your father.

I haven't seen him
for over a week.

And I wondered
if he was all right.

Is he home?

Uh, uh, uh, is he up...?

No! No, he's not at home.

No, he's not. Ohhh...

Well, will he be
home soon? Soon?

Uh, soon. No, not soon.

No, he... Not soon, no.

Oh! Well, Lamont, where is he?

Ah-ha!

Uh, that's a good
question, Donna.

Where is he?

Well, see, I'm gonna
tell you the truth.

Because it's just as easy

to tell the truth
as it is to lie.

I've been trying
to cover up for him.

The fact is, is that Pop...

went to Beverly Hills to
buy you a birthday present.

My birthday was last week.

Yeah, last week was your
birthday. I know that, see.

But when he left, he said,

"Why wait till next year
to buy her a present?"

You know? He said that.

Well, isn't that
wonderful? Yeah.

Well, then, I guess I'll go and
get myself something to eat.

I hoped we could eat together.

But, uh... Well...

Well, listen, why don't
you let me buy you dinner?

Oh, no!

I was gonna take Janet out.

And we were gonna
have a bite to eat.

It'd be great. It would
be good for my reputation

to be seen with two
beautiful young ladies.

Oh, Lamont, you two probably
wanted to be alone together.

It's more romantic.

Hey, I don't have to
be romantic anymore.

We're engaged.

[LAUGHS] Lamont!

What do you say? How about it?

All right.

Come on. Okay.

[ELEGANT MUSIC,
PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[YELPS]

MAITRE D': Will
you clear this table?

Clear the table? Right away.

Come on. I need
water and rolls on 32.

FRED: Water and rolls on 32.

Clear the table.
Water and rolls on 32.

Here. Hold this for me.

Water and rolls on 32.

Here's 32, here.

Rolls for 32, and water.

Water on 32.

MAITRE D': Will you
please clean up table 18?!

Who you talking to? [SHRIEKS]

Who said that?

Just a moment.

More rolls. No! No more rolls.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Here hold this. Here's the roll.

MAITRE D': What is
this? What are you doing?

I'm giving the man his rolls.

Never mind that. Come over here.

Come over here. My goodness!

Sanford... when I
hired you a week ago,

you told me you had
experience in England,

both waiting and
bussing on tables.

I did. You finish up tonight.

Get your check and get
out. Please don't fire me now.

Because I need this 24 months
to pay off a loan with the bank.

Your 24 months
are not my concern!

Your 32 teeth are my concern.

And you better be concerned
about my 10 knuckles too.

Will you please set up table 26?

Table 26.

Please... [WHISPERING]
Table 26...

Excuse me. Okay.

Uh, listen, uh, I
gotta go on sick leave.

You can't go on sick leave.
You'll be through in two hours.

Well, who's going
to stop me? Ah-ha!

Bruno! Bruno...
Yeah, what is it?

Bruno, meet Sanford.

Sanford, meet The Stopper.

Uh, Bruno, I-I'm
crazy about your hat.

That's a nice hat, Bruno.

[CROCKERY CLATTERS]

Pop? Uh, waiter! Waiter!

Right over here, and
bring the check, please.

Pop, what are you doing in here?

What everybody else is doing
in here. I'm finishing my dinner.

I mean, what else do you
think I would be doing in here?

Hello, Janet darling. Hi, Dad.

What about Donna?
What about Donna?

You said you were
taking her out tonight.

I am. She just finished dinner.

And she's in the...
She's in the ladies' room.

I know she's in
the ladies' room.

You do?

We do.

You do too? Yes.

Well, how do you
know she's in there?

Oh, I know.

You went in there and
y'all bumped into each other.

Just a coincidence.
Some coincidence!

I guess it's a small world.

Guess it's a small
ladies' room too.

Sanford, come here!
Uh, that's Mr. Sanford.

This is the last time I'm gonna
eat here in this restaurant.

Uh, excuse me, son.

I will teach this guy a lesson.

I want to talk to you. I'm busy.

No, I'm gonna put
on my clothes. Bruno!

Bruno! No, no, please.

Not Bruno. Anything but that.

Just pay me my money.
I need the money.

See, my son is getting married,

and I borrowed some
money from the bank,

and I don't want him to
know where I got it from.

[DOOR OPENS]

Bruno. Bruno, easy!

[GASPS]

What is it now?!

Bruno, take it easy here.

Listen, Bruno. Let me
advise you. Bruno, listen.

I-I-I'm an undercover
agent for the CIA

a-a-and the FBI a-and the PTA.

And I must inform you

that I have a
learners' permit to k*ll.

A learners'
permit? That's right.

A-a-and I only need
but one more victim

before I get my license.

Hang on, hold it,
Pop. Just take it easy.

Yeah, son, tell
him. Now, just listen.

My Pop is gonna quit,

and I want you to pay him
everything you owe him,

or I'm gonna have the city
labor union on your back.

You heard all
that, son? I heard it.

All right, Sanford.

Pick up your check from
the cashier and get out.

The name is Mr. Sanford,

and he's not leaving until
he finishes eating dinner.

Pop, you're gonna sit down
with Janet and Donna and me

and we're gonna have
dinner. You mean that, son?

You're gonna treat
me dinner? That's right.

[BRITISH ACCENT]
Uh, excuse me, chap.

Uh, I'm going to join
my family for dinner.

We'd like our rolls and
butter right away, please.

[NORMAL VOICE] See, son,

I knew you wouldn't
take this money

if you found out that
I had borrowed it.

Hey, Pop, don't worry about
that now. Don't even think about it.

I just want you
to sit down, relax,

and enjoy a pleasant dinner with
Janet, Donna and my best friend.

Uh, when's he coming?

He's already here, Pop.

Hey!

Well, the first thing
tomorrow morning,

we're gonna drive
down to the bank

and straighten everything out.

What has to be straightened out?

Well, you gotta
return that $6000.

I want you to have that.
After all, you deserve it.

You're a nice son, and
I owe you that much.

I mean, and besides,

it's not really that hard to
pay that much off anyway,

because you're worth it.

Pop, you almost k*lled
yourself from exhaustion,

you couldn't keep your
eyes open half the time,

you had to take all that abuse

from the guy down
at the restaurant.

And you stand here
and tell me it wasn't hard?

That's because I'm 68.

And for a guy of 36, it don't
make that much difference,

you know what I mean?

You could do that in a snap.

Here, you take
this and put it on

and just have the
sleeve let out a little bit.

And, uh, when
you get down there,

be there about
5:30 so that, uh...

you can have your buns on 38.

[INAUDIBLE]

[♪♪♪]