01x01 - Will

[bunniefuu]

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

Let me be clear.

To truly grasp
man's struggle for power...

we must begin in the prehistoric sea...

that dark and merciless void.

It was eons
before the strongest among us

slithered out of the muck to discover

that the lessons of darkness
would continue on land.

Futility. Toil.

The mass of men spend
their days plowing stones.

But true immortality rests
in a pure and mighty will...

for history isn't written
by the feeble masses,

the pissants...

commies, the queers, and the women.

It is written and rewritten

by soldiers carrying
the banner of kings.

That is what it means to be strong.

[SIZZLING]

That is what it means to be American.

That is what it means...

...to be Nixon.

[UNSETTLING STRING MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[APPLAUSE, UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

[GARRY] You know her as
one of the most outspoken

conservatives in Washington.

You've seen her
on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In

and The Dinah Shore Show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the wife of the Attorney General
of the United States,

the infamous Mouth of the South,

Martha Mitchell.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

[PERSON CHUCKLES ON TV]

Well, welcome, Mrs. Mitchell.

I hope you are ready
to tell the whole truth

and nothing but the truth.

Well, if you're gonna put me on the

stand, I better have my lawyer present.

[LAUGHTER]

Now, Martha,

I have heard the rumor
that your husband was made

the director of the Committee
to Re-elect the President.

Yes. And I am the secret w*apon.

- I bet you are.
- [LAUGHTER]

f*ck, she is cheesy.

Martha Mitchell all dressed up
like a holiday ham.

Nice smile, though.

I can dig on that smile.

And a orangutan.

[DEAN] She's an idiot and a lush.

Why are you leaving all of a sudden?

Stay. We can watch some Password.

- Oh, yeah?
- Do the thing...

- again.
- That sounds nice.

But my boss doesn't exactly understand

the, uh, finer points of the long lunch.

Oh, yeah? Who's your boss?

Mm.

That is on a need-to-know basis.

Well, thank you. It's fascinating.

Oh, hold up.

You work for Nixon?

Oh, you're big-time.
You know, I knew it.

The second I saw this place,
I thought to myself, "Wow.

This guy right here,
he's big-time-plus."

Well, you're the expert.

- Who's your superior?
- What?

Who do you report to at the White House?

Haldeman? Ehrlichman? Hess?

Colson? Atwater? Buchanan?
Chapin? Fleming?

You know a lot of people.

Honey, it's my job to network...

among other jobs.

At least you're at the Oval. [SCOFFS]

You could be stuck with those
headless turkeys over at CREEP.

CREEP's the Committee to Re-elect...

The President.
I know what CREEP stands for.

I actually spend
quite a lot of time over there.

- Yeah.
- Ah.

I used to work for the guy
who was gonna be

Nixon's new campaign chair.

John-boy? Oh, my God!

You tell him Francesca says hi.

You know John Mitchell too?

[FRANCESCA] Sure I do.
He's a dear friend.

Hope he's keeping up
with all that spring cleaning

- over there.
- [COUGHS] Wait.

Spring clean... You...

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

You think h-h-he...
Is he pushing people out?

I didn't say that.

I didn't not say it either.

♪ ...for you and me ♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[ENGINE TURNING OVER]

You are wanted.

You are essential. You cannot be fired.

[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]

["DOWN ON THE STREET" PLAYING]

♪ ♪

[SINGER SHOUTS]

♪ ♪

[SINGER] ♪ Well, down on the
Street where the faces shine ♪

[CAR HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH]

♪ Floatin' around, On a real O-Mind ♪

[PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ I see a pretty thing ♪

♪ Ain't no wall ♪

♪ I see a pretty thing ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ain't no wall ♪

♪ No walls ♪

♪ No walls ♪

- ♪ No walls ♪
- [PROTESTORS SHOUTING]

♪ ♪

♪ Look at you ♪

[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]

A $ phone call?

Who the f*ck is Martha talking to

at two o'clock in the morning
in Los Angeles?

Uh, Lloyd Shearer at Parade.
That would be my guess.

He's a known subversive leftist.

Cocksucker.

Not sure about that, sir,

but I can pull up
his file if you'd like.

I was explicit with her.

No solo interviews
this close to the election.

[GRUNTS]

Any luck tracking down my wife?

[SECRETARY] She hasn't returned
from her taping yet, sir.

But I have John Dean here for you.

Oh, God. Yeah, send the fucker in.

[JEB GRUNTS]

Dean, you flaxen-haired dog.
How you doing, buddy?

- Yeah, good to see you.
- You take a seat.

- [DEAN] Sir.
- Dean.

[DEAN] You look well.

So, uh, I was told you wanted
to see me about something.

[JEB] Oh, yes.

Uh, as you know, we're gearing
up for what promises to be

a grueling reelection campaign.

And as such,
we are currently reevaluating

certain select personnel.

"Reevaluating"?

Yeah, that's right.
Hey, tell me something.

Where do you see yourself in a year?

Where do... in a...

Hmm, that's a... [CHUCKLES]
That's a great question.

Um...

Well, let me start by saying,

I have very much valued the opportunity

to help implement
the president's vision.

And I would urge you
to remember my loyalty

when considering my continued service

in whatever capacity
that service might be needed,

uh, going forward

forthwith...

in the future.

What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

I think he thinks this is

some kind of spring-cleaning
situation, sir.

Wait, what? [SCOFFS]

So you're not recommending
that I be fired?

No. Gosh, no! No.

We brought you in here because we've uh,

we got a kind
of special opportunity for you.

- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

Wow. Okay. Um...

[JEB] I assume you're aware
of the Intelligence Unit

that was set up in the Oval
after this whole Pentagon Papers fiasco?

Right. The Plumbers.

[JEB] Yeah, that-that's right.

Uh, there's a CIA reject
named Howard Hunt.

He's the main guy over there.

And they're currently graduating

from rooting out leaks to, uh,
rat-f*cking the Democrats.

And there is a desire

to enact a uh, similar operation

on the campaign side of things.

You mean you want to set up
an espionage unit...

here, in-inside
the Committee to Re-elect

to spy on the Democrats?

- [JEB] Oh, heavens, no, no.
- [DEAN] No.

Espionage? That's a... that's...

That's a big... that's a serious word.

No, we're talking about
simple intelligence gathering.

I see. Um...

Nixon has points on the Dems.

The election is practically in the bag.

Why would we risk
that kind of legal exposure?

[JEB] It's not our job to ask why.

If men like us asked why,
we wouldn't have the pyramids.

Swollen wet vaginas.

We are good men.

We are men of integrity.

But we come

from our mothers' swollen wet vaginas

with flaws.

And a time comes where we need
to employ those flaws

to defeat our enemy.

We must become snakes.

[DISTANT PHONE RINGING]

I see, uh...

Well, look...

...I'm not sure
that it would be prudent for me

to pursue any...

snake behavior for you...

at this specific point in time.

- [DISTANT PHONE RINGING]
- [JEB] Hmm.

sh*t. [SIGHS]

Well, I'll tell the president.

Sorry, the... the president?

Who the f*ck do you think asked for you?

President Nixon asked for me?

[JEB] Well, to be clear,

the president
would never involve himself

in anything illegal, but, yes.

[MITCHELL] It's a damn shame.

We thought maybe
you were one of us, but...

you can go.

[PHONE RECEIVER CLATTERS]

Diana, get Bob Haldeman for me.

I think I may potentially know
how to charm the snake.

- I think I know a guy.
- [JEB] You know a guy?

- [DEAN] I know a guy.
- [JEB] Oh.

Bud Krogh's guy, Gordon... something.

H-h-he'd be perfect

for an intelligence-gathering
operation of this scope.

He's high logistical savvy,
genius-level IQ, Mensa type.

- Sounds like our type.
- Liddy. Gordon Liddy.

That's his name, uh, Gordon Liddy.

If you were to hire him,

say, as a general counsel...

...I could get him settled in.

Show him the ropes.

And I could answer any...

election-compliance questions
that he might have.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

He's good, isn't he?
Didn't I say he's good?

- [INTERCOM BUZZES]
- [DIANA] Mr. Mitchell?

I have your wife on the phone.

She says she's about to go
into a magazine interview.

Sick... Okay, get the f*ck out.

What the two of you still doing here?

- Yes, sir..
- [MITCHELL] Go. Go, go.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, thank you. Thank you, sir.

Martha marshmallow.

What's this I hear about an interview?

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Hey, Dean, Dean!

Hold on. One more thing.

We're gonna want, um,
your, uh, Liddy friend

to wrangle up a little
presentation for the group,

just a run-through of potential...

[MITCHELL] Martha,
you are not listening...

...intelligence gathering, you-you know,

- [WHISPERS] Espionage targets.
- Right.

So, uh, next Thursday morning?
Is that okay?

Next Thursday?

It's a little tight,
I know, but Mitchell,

he's stretched so thin
with the, you know, wife.

I've told you, no solo interviews

that haven't gone through the campaign.

- M-Martha, what did I tell you?
- [JEB] So Thursday?

Hmm, yeah. Oh, absolutely. No problem.

Terrific. Terrific, Deano! Fabulous.

Martha?

Martha!

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[PHOTOGRAPHER] Right there.

Oh, why, thank you, dear.

And could you please
get a martini for Ms. McLendon?

Oh, no. No, thank you.

I-I don't usually drink
with my interview subjects.

Mr. McCord here, he doesn't
drink on the job either.

I don't trust him one bit.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Uh, with a twist.

- [MAID] Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

[MARTHA] Now, where were we?

[WINNIE] Uh, well, I was ask...

Oh, have I shown you my vases?
They're Chinese.

Yes. Uh, I was asking
if there's any truth

to the talk that
your ease with the press

has soured your relationship
with the president.

A vicious rumor.

I am the one who introduced
d*ck to my husband.

So there's no concern that
you're overshadowing Nixon?

You make me sound like an old oak tree.

Would you ask such
a question to Kissinger?

With all due respect,

Kissinger doesn't have
a % name recognition

with American families, you do.

Well, someone should tell that
to Pat Nixon.

She has been double-booking
our events to make a point.

Just this week, I had
to reschedule a fundraiser

just to satisfy her lust
for the spotlight.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [PHOTOGRAPHER] Right on.

Let's get the vase in
the frame now and the portrait.

This won't be the first time

I've had to be glamorous
under my husband.

[CHUCKLES]

[WINNIE] Uh, Mrs. Mitchell,
just because I write

for the Ladies' Home Journal doesn't

mean that this isn't a real interview.

A couple months ago,
you spoke out against the w*r.

And I'm wondering if your husband

or the president has...

[GASPS] Oh, you spoil me.

Look at that. Thank you.

There you are.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Winnie... May I call you Winnie?

- Sure.
- [MARTHA] You want to know why

I've made these comments
against the w*r?

Well, it's because my own boy, Jay,

is over there in that godforsaken jungle

fighting for his life as we speak,

surrounded by men
who are trying to k*ll him.

Do you know what that's like?

Just constantly worried
that he might not make it home?

Oh, dear.

Who is it for you?

My little brother. He's...

I see.

We are empathetic creatures.

[WINNIE] Yes.

Now, some people see that as a weakness.

But I decided long ago
that I will say how I feel.

And if that does not conform

to the president's message, so be it.

If that gets me
banned off Air Force One,

I will fly commercial.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

So you were banned from Air Force One?

- Oh, you're good.
- I-I do want to hear that story.

- You caught that.
- [DOOR OPENS]

We can get back
to the real questions, but...

- [MITCHELL] Martha?
- [DOOR SLAMS]

Where are you?

We're in the sitting room,
cupcake. Put that away.

McCord! Where's McCord?

Yes, sir.

Would you kindly escort these people

the f*ck out of my home?

- Mm-hmm.
- [MARTHA] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[WINNIE] That's okay.

[MARTHA] Thank you for coming.
Thank you for coming.

- Thank you.
- Sorry about this.

[WINNIE] No, thank you so much.

[ICE CUBES CLINKING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Have you gone insane?

I told you, no more print interviews.

Oh, it's a ladies' magazine.

They were asking me about the
curtains, for Christ's sake.

[MITCHELL] Oh, I know
exactly what you're doing.

You're just trying to take
the spotlight from Pat Nixon.

I would never. Let me do this.

Do... do you really think
that she, in a million years,

would plan her concert just to be
on the same night as your party?

It's a fundraiser,

for her husband's campaign, by the way.

And, yes, I think
she absolutely meant to do it.

Oh, it was a misunderstanding.

The Bay of Pigs was a misunderstanding.

This is an encroachment.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

I had to reorganize everything.

The caterer, the flowers,

all because you don't know
how to stand up

to your boss' wife.

At least Pat Nixon knows
how to support her husband.

[SCOFFS] That's not what I heard.

Maybe if she stopped
talking behind my back,

she might find a more fruitful
use for that mouth of hers.

Are you implying that the first lady

isn't blowing her husband enough?

What?

No! You're disgusting.

Oh.

She wouldn't know where to start.

But I do.

I know right where to sta...

Okay, stop it. Stop it.

Don't I?

Stop it, Martha.
I'm really angry this time.

Oh, all right.

[WHISPERING] I'm sorry.

How can I make it up to you?

That'll be enough. You can stand down.

Yes, sir.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[BOTH] Mm.

[MARTHA] I thought he'd never leave.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Welcome home.
- Mm.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

He should be done with his call
any moment now, Mr. Liddy.

Are you sure you don't need anything?

No, thank you.

What's your name?

Uh, Linda.

Gordon. [CHUCKLES] I'm
so sorry to keep you waiting.

Great to meet you.
Finally put a face to the name.

You ready? Let's walk.

These pitches always wind me up.

[CHUCKLES] You nervous?

Oh, I don't experience human neuroses.

I actually feed off these moments.

There's a wild and manic energy
to them, animal energy.

Hmm.

Ouch. [CHUCKLES] What happened there?

I was sourcing operational recruits...

Cubans.

I needed to show them that I am
what the Spanish call macho.

So I placed my hand into the...

The short flame of a candle
and held it there

until the room smelled
of roasting flesh.

Only then were they willing
to call me their jefe.

[SCOFFS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[LIDDY] Gentlemen, as you know,

our president faces
a daunting campaign season.

For that reason, I've devised
a plan for covert operations,

the likes of which our electoral system

has never seen.

I present you...

...Operation Gemstone.

The Gemstone,

brilliant, sparkling...

impervious.

I have crafted an integrated strategy

meant to function seamlessly
in enemy territoire.

Phase one...

Operation Quartz.

- A covert manipulation...
- Oh, quartz...

Uh, quartz is actually a mineral.

Excuse me?

Uh, quartz is actually a mineral.

It's not a gemsto...

I took a little geology at uh, Williams,

which I briefly attended.

But I-I just love rocks. Please proceed.

Operation Quartz...

a covert manipulation

of the Democrats' outer circle.

We will round up
their fringe activist leaders

and export them to black sites
deep in the heart of Mexico.

Each capture will slice
a viper from Medusa's crown.

Their leaderless ranks will wither away.

Is that "export" as in kidnap?

"Forced rendition"
is the optimal descriptor.

- Next up...
- [PAPER RUSTLES]

...Operation Ruby...

The blood-red gem
of a duplicitous woman.

The Democrats are weak,
their women cold.

We will secure a pleasure craft

wired for sight and sound

and sailed to the Democratic
National Convention,

where we will capture their officials

enjoying the company of women
trained in the erotic arts,

some of the finest in the country.

You want to film...

Democratic officials...

on a boat with hookers?

Call it a passion play
for opposition leverage, sir.

Just out of curiosity,
how many of these gemstones

are we going to be reviewing today?

Eleven. With four subparts.

And, uh, how much is this
all gonna cost?

We're looking at a price point

between $ , and $ , apiece.

Right. Just finger math...

That's uh, way over budget, sir,
astonishingly so.

And that will not be a problem,
young man.

Oh, good.

[LIDDY] I do hope you
gentlemen have had a chance

to brush up on your II Corinthians,

because, well...

this is where we get to play God.

My pitches are too ambitious?

[SHOUTS]

Who in the fresh hell
does Mitchell think he is?

You see the way he looked at me
when all was said and done?

[STAMMERING] Uh, no.
I didn't catch that.

I'll tell you, like a rat at his feet.

It was like vomit.
That's how he looked at me.

You know, t-those guys can be
very indelicate, uh, sometimes.

I wouldn't take it too-too personally.

And Magruder... that little pissant...

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

..."Quartz is a mineral."

He's lucky I didn't snap his spine
right in the f*cking room.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[DEAN] Um...

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

What did you think?

Huh?

Of the pitch, what did you think?

You can tell me. I'm... I can take it.

What did I think?
I-I-I-I-I really liked it.

I-I knew it!

I saw your body language
in the room, and I knew...

I knew Dean liked it.

What was your favorite part?

[DEAN] My favorite?

Um, gosh, you know, th...
T-there were a lot of elements.

You know, I loved the...

T-the cheerful font
was very interesting.

I did the font.

- [DEAN] Great, uh...
- I came up with the font.

Yeah, look, let me pitch you something.

How about you and I never talk
about this ever again,

ideally?

Okay, compadre.

Enough said.

["LET'S FLY AWAY" PLAYING]

I do. I really like this one.

I think that's nice, dear.

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

♪ ♪

[JERI SOUTHERN] ♪ Let's fly away ♪

[LAUGHTER]

♪ And find a land
that's warm and tropic ♪

[MARTHA] We are in for a night.

[MITCHELL] You.

Whenever he has on tails, this happens.

It does. Whenever you put on
your tails...

[CHUCKLES] ...it makes you crazy.

- It's Daddy dancing time.
- [MARTHA, LAUGHING] Aw...

[SINGER] ♪ And find a land
that's so provincial ♪

♪ We'll never hear
what Walter Winchell ♪

♪ Might be forced to say ♪

[MARTHA] I need a zip here when
you're done, Fred Astaire.

Yes, ma'am. I think we can
hear mother now.

♪ ♪

[MARTHA] Shimmy it up.

- Ooh.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

There it is. Look at that neck.

There's a tiny little hook.

Now, that's a neck. That's...

that's a neck I'd like to neck.

[LAUGHTER]

I can't get that...

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

- [MARTHA] Lovely.
- Love you.

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES]

♪ ♪

[SINGER] ♪ I'll make your life sublime ♪

Pat sure has made a statement
seating us back here.

I can't see a thing.

And, honey, you know it was no accident.

[SINGER] ♪ I'll take up all your time ♪

♪ Compromising you ♪

♪ Let's not delay... ♪

[HOST] And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the President and Mrs. Nixon present

the Ray Conniff Singers.

[APPLAUSE]

[SINGER] ♪ New York is not for me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Let's fly away ♪

♪ ♪

President Nixon,

stop bombing human beings,

animals, and vegetation.

You go to church on Sundays,
and you pray to Jesus Christ.

If Jesus Christ were here tonight,

you would not dare drop another b*mb.

Bless the Berrigans
and bless Daniel Ellsberg.

Get her off the stage!

[CROWD BOOING]

[APPLAUSE]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[HOST] Sorry about that, Mr. President.

Looks like someone needs to go
back to finishing school.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Let's move along, shall we?

Ladies...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

Maureen?

Hey, John Dean.

- Hi.
- Hi. I am so sorry I'm late.

[MO] That's fine.

It's not some first-date power move.

You know, things have been
nuts at work...

- You know what? It's Mo.
- Traffic and... what?

You can just call me Mo.

Uh, the dating service
suggested that I use Maureen...

Oh, Mo...

...'cause I guess they thought
people would make...

- Like the Stooges?
- ...a Stooges joke.

- [IMITATES GOOFY CHUCKLING]
- What? Oh.

So sorry.

You're doing the Stooges...
I didn't... No, I-I remember.

[CHUCKLES]

- Good.
- Yes.

- Stooges.
- Um, so...

Hi, hello. How are you know?
Now, I'm gonna give you these.

It's for the, uh, Dijon Porsche
out front.

Now, there's not a scratch
on it right now.

And that's how I want to find
her when I come back, okay?

I'm gonna take
special care of you, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you so much.

[WAITER] Your table's ready.

All right. Thank you.

Mele Kalikimaka.
That's the thing to say.

In blood, chained to the door
of County Animal Control,

and I am screaming,
"No more pets have to die!"

I'm sorry.

[SOFTLY] "No more pets have to die."

And then minutes later, I, uh...

I find out I-I have the wrong address,

and I am chained to
the dentist's office next door.

- No!
- [LAUGHTER]

I guess I was a-a young man
with conviction.

So what can I say?

You know, it's embarrassing
to even think about it.

No, no, it's so cute.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You know, I'll be honest,
at the start of the night, I...

I thought I was in real trouble.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Why is that?

Well, I don't want to burst your bubble,

but you don't exactly make
the best first impression.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

You seemed like you were
gonna be a huge piece of sh*t.

Oh. [CLEARS THROAT]

Well, that's funny,
because you kind of seemed

stuck up and weird.

No, I didn't.

You're right.

You seemed great from the beginning.

[ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

So what's a stewardess from L.A.

doing on a-a D.C. dating service?

I'm doing research.

I'm thinking of doing some writing.

You want to be a journalist.

- Mm.
- No.

Someone didn't read
my profile too closely.

- Well, I...
- I want to write novels.

- Oh.
- Romantic novels.

Oh?

Stop it. It's nothing smutty.

No, no, no, that's... that's fantastic.

But, um...

why D.C.?

I mean, people come here for depth...

No, I really like it here.

- You do?
- I-I don't know.

People come here to make
a difference in the world.

- Well...
- It's nice.

I mean, God, I'm not naive.

I know, everybody has
to make compromises.

And, well, you probably know
that better than anyone.

What do you mean by that?

Come on. You know...

I'm... I'm not sure I do.

I mean, um, i-it just must be difficult

working for a man like that.

A man like what?

A man like Richard Nixon. [SCOFFS]

He's just a little bit
of a liar, don't you think?

Oh, right.

And you think LBJ
was some kind of Boy Scout?

Well, Nixon really takes it
to a whole other level.

How so?

Uh, the stuff about ending
the w*r, for one thing.

He's drawn down troop levels by
two thirds since he's been in office.

I saw on the news
he's increased bombings.

Did the news also mention
that he signed Title IX

or established the
Environmental Protection Agency?

Wow. You've really talked
yourself into this, haven't you?

Talked myself into what?

Um...

Maybe this wasn't the best
topic of conversation to bring up...

- No, no, no, no, no, no..
- We don't have... John...

What about you? What... what about you?

What about me?

Oh, come on.

Uh...

You're just like
all your liberal friends.

You... you playact like you want
to save the world,

when all you really care about
is finding a guy

with enough bread to pick up the check.

[CHUCKLES DERISIVELY]

♪ ♪

[WAITER] Hoped you guys saved
room for the Baked Alaska.

♪ ♪

[MITCHELL] I must have
been drunk when I said that.

Now I've got d*ck calling me

'cause he's got Kissinger
up his ass again.

I should have said no to d*ck

the second he asked me
to come play politics out here.

Should have stayed in New York.
Could have kept my practice.

Hmm. We'd still have our house Upstate.

Remember when we used to drink

a whole bottle of blackberry wine

and watch the moon rise over the bay?

- I miss those nights.
- Mm.

[GASPS] I've got an idea.

Let's catch a flight somewhere,
we'll go to China, India, New York.

d*ck needs me, honey bear.
You know that.

The man's an emotional wreck.

Without me, he wouldn't
get through to November.

Of course.
Don't know what I was thinking.

[SERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

[MARTHA] Winnie, honey.

You won't believe the night I've had,

a protester crashed...

Martha?

[MARTHA] ...the first lady's
miserable social evening.

Jesus, what time is it?

Poor woman. They had to
drag her right off the stage.

[WINNIE] How did you get my number?

Of course my husband had to
leave me alone the whole night

'cause he's busy playing the middleman
in this silly feud

the president's got going with Henry.

[WINNIE] Henry?

As in, like...

Henry Kissinger?

I really shouldn't say.

♪ ♪

[LIGHT CREAKING]

Father. May I?

♪ ♪

Raymond, what are you doing up?

♪ ♪

I was having bad dreams again.

Are you okay, Father?

Had a little whoopsie today at work.

What kind of whoopsie?

[EXHALES DEEPLY] Remember
when you were in art class

and Miss Grimmer caught you
eating all the other kids' glue

and all the other kids laughed at you?

All the other kids laughed
at me today, Raymond.

♪ ♪

Sometimes...

when the other boys
at school laugh at me...

Mother says I should make
friends with them.

She says there are good ships

and wood ships

and ships that sail the sea,

but the best ships are friendships.

♪ ♪

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Linda, would you put in a call

to, uh, ah, Harry Welch at the FAA?

Have him send us any information

he has on a registered
flight attendant, Maureen Kane.

Oh, and, uh, Liddy should be
here any minute

- for the meeting.
- Uh, Liddy's already here.

He arrived over a half hour ago.

He's already here? Where is he?

Mitchell's office.

- Jesus.
- You want me to go...

I'm so sorry.

Are they in there?

[LAUGHTER]

Speak of the devil, and he doth appear.

What's the matter, Dean?
You look like you just got caught

butt-f*cking your sister.

I don't have a-a sister, sir.

Um...

are we celebrating something?

Wow, sharp as a tack. Tell him, Liddy.

[LIDDY] I ran into Mr. Mitchell
this morning

on the way into the office, and...

I had a few rough ideas
for pared-down operations...

Sketches really.

[MITCHELL] Ah, don't b*at yourself up.

We made some adjustments.

It was all you, Mr. Mitchell.

He helped me come up with
a whole new operation plan.

This man truly knows his tradecraft.

Sir, are you sure it's wise to be, um...

casually discussing illicit
activities in your office?

Teacher's here. Fun's over.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [MITCHELL] Well, no.

[GROANS]

Gordo, fabulous work.

Just, uh, talk to Jeb.

He'll take care
of the logistics with you.

[LIDDY] Thank you, sir.

Well, whatever you told that chowderhead

to get him to drop
the James Bond act, it worked.

Well, I just, uh, showed him
how to be a team player, sir.

Hmm. Tell you what...

my wife is doing a campaign fundraiser

at our house Saturday.

Why don't you come by?

You know? For all your hard work.

I'd be honored, sir.

And bring a date...
Something nice on the eyes.

Right. Okay.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What the hell?

Go, go, go.

Mo. Hey. [CHUCKLES] I can't believe it.

I was just about
to check in for my flight.

And I was thinking, what are the odds
I'd run into Mo Kane at the airport?

And here you are. That is crazy.

Huh, how did you find me?

Well, I just... I saw you
coming up the thing.

- Where's your ticket?
- Excuse me?

You said you were checking in for
your flight. You should have a ticket.

Oh, right, ticket, um...

That is a very good...

Oh, you know, sh**t,
I must have thrown it

in the trash with my food there.

Um, I have to get a new one now.

Do you know the lady? Maybe you can...

You little psychopath.

What?

[GIGGLES] Did you call the FAA?

Call the...

[CHUCKLING] No. What? No.

Why would I... why would I do that?

To find out my flight schedule

so you could manufacture
a way to bump into me

in the futile hope you could
apologize your way into a second date.

Has this... has this happened
to you before?

It's a pilot trick.

I have to say, it's never felt
quite so pathetic until now.

Mo. Wait, please.

- John.
- Please.

You seem very nice.

Do you know what it is?
I am looking for a man.

And I can't waste my time
with little boys anymore.

I know I was an assh*le the other night.

- Mm-hmm.
- But, I want to make it up to you.

There's this fundraiser next weekend,

and everyone who's anyone
in D.C. is gonna be there.

You want to take me
to a Republican fundraiser?

It'll be great material for your novel.

And besides, we don't have
to talk to anybody.

We can just sit in the corner all night,

drinking John Mitchell's
scotch, making fun of people...

Um, John Mitchell?
Martha Mitchell's husband?

Yeah. Why? You... you like her?

- She's completely insane.
- [CHUCKLES]

I love her.

So you will go with me?

Um, I'm gonna think about it.

I'm gonna see when the airline
has me back in D.C...

Thursday. I-I mean...

I hope they have you back on-on Thursday

because that would be, uh...
that would be perfect timing.

Holy sh*t, man.

- Do you have my number?
- Leave it with the FAA.

[CHUCKLES]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[PHONES RINGING]

[CHUCKLES]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

- Ahoy!
- Oh! Ha ha!

What the...

Mitchell sent me down to inform you

he's approved of my plans.

Now, before you fill your diaper,

you'll be relieved to know
that I've trimmed the budget

to a manageable quarter million.

Hey, well, that's fantastic news.
That's great.

Uh, only problem is, um...

...Mitchell doesn't control
the purse strings around here.

I do.

So you're gonna have to make do
with $ , .

That's... that's all we got.

Do you think this is a joke?

[JEB] No.

This operation requires

untraceable foreign contractors.

I need at least five Cubans.

Cubans? Well, I mean, how-how
expensive are Cubans these days?

Why-just get cheaper Cubans.
What? Puerto Ricans?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Hmm.

You've never tasted your own blood.

- Pardon me?
- You haven't. Ah...

I can tell.

You know that?

You don't know the first thing
about passion,

about el sangre de libertad.

But you know who does?

Those magnificent men you just maligned.

- Yeah.
- [LIDDY] They know.

God, I got to tell you,
I-I don't appreciate your tone, Gordo.

No.

They are freedom fighters, you f*ck!

Please let go of me, you psychopath.

You prep-school sissies think
that you own the world...

but you don't.

The natural world rejects you.

You taste your blood now, don't you?

[DISTANT ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Bean-counting Ivy League f*g.

Rough day?

Never thought I'd encounter
a bureaucracy

more stocked with vipers than the FBI.

A thousand petty tyrannies.

You're a Bureau man?

Five years strong. You?

CIA.

I've always admired Hoover.

They don't make them like him anymore.

I agree.

Jim McCord.

Liddy, General Counsel.

Liddy...

fella who burnt himself
with a candle, right?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Gaius Scaevola would be proud.

Hero of Rome.

Soldier.

Soldier.

♪ ♪

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Oh, hi. [CHUCKLES]

Great shirt.

Mo, he's here.

Smells good in there.

I, uh, smoked a little grass
myself, back in college.

Hi.

Wow. You...

You look...

Thank you. Anything for Martha Mitchell.

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

All right.

♪ ♪

[PERSON] Welcome, sir, ma'am.

- For you.
- Oh, thank you.

[BOTH] Cheers.

- Oh, hi. Hey.
- John.

- How's it going?
- Hello. Hi.

You have blood on your hands.

Look who it is. See? Want to go say hi?

Oh, my God. Yes, I want to say hi.

- She looks amazing.
- [MARTHA] So gorgeous.

I want to get a picture.

Aw.

Excuse me, Mrs. Mitchell.

Uh, my name is John Dean.
I work with your husband.

Oh, Mr. Dean.

Yes, my husband speaks
very highly of you.

Say hello to Mr. Dean, buttercup.

- Hi.
- Hello.

[MARTHA] Hmm.
We're working on her volume.

Who is this vision in blue?

Maureen Kane. It's an honor to...

- I'm j... I'm a huge fan.
- [MARTHA AND JOHN CHUCKLE]

Thank you.

May I say the two of you
make a striking couple.

Oh, we're not really...

That's so sweet of you.
Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you.

All right, Mrs. Mitchell,
right over here.

[MARTHA] Oh. Picture?

Are we getting in? Oh, my...

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Thank you.

[MARTHA] Mm-hmm.

Enjoy yourselves. Nice to meet you.

- So nice to meet you.
- Thank you.

- Hmm?
- Hmm.

[ELEGANT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

Okay, who are they, the buzz cuts?

Oh, that?

Uh, that's the president's
chief of staff.

On the right, Bob Haldeman.

[MO] Okay.

[DEAN] On the left is John Ehrlichman.

And nobody gets to Nixon
except through them.

They call them the Berlin Wall.

Hmm.

- The Berlin Wall, huh?
- Mm.

Hmm. Hmm.

Wait, where you going?

Mo. No. Mo. Mo. Mo, Mo.

Now McGovern's got James Taylor
and Barbra Streisand

stumping for him,

as if the voters are going to be swayed

by a couple of moderately
fuckable socialists.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

I'm a big Streisand fan.
What's wrong with her?

- [SCOFFS] Excuse me?
- Uh...

sorry, you-you are?

I'm Mo Kane. I think you know my date.

♪ ♪

John Dean, sir.

I got a haircut.

Yes, that's it. Right.

My apologies if John caused any offense

with the Streisand thing, ma'am.

Oh, God. Hey, as a-a member
in good standing

of the league of moderately
fuckable socialists,

- I accept your apology.
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER]

Where did you find this one, Dean?

- She's a live one.
- [LAUGHS]

Uh, by the way, Bob, I've been
meaning to, uh, thank you

for conveying that message
from POTUS on my behalf.

Mitchell told me about
the, uh, president's request

that I come help with the
election compliance operations

over at CREEP.

Oh, uh, I'm... I'm sorry.

I've never spoken about you
with the president

or really anyone else for that matter.

Word of advice...

learn to recognize a snake
when you see one.

Hmm.

[JOHN MITCHELL LAUGHING]

♪ ♪

[MO] Oh, God. John, this party is crazy.

Ehrlichman is a fascist.

He wants to nuke all of Asia.
Everyone's so evil here.

I'm having so much fun. What's wrong?

- You okay?
- It's nothing. We should go.

No, we just got here.

[DEAN] I'll get our coats.

Oh, okay.

Uh, sir, Kissinger's office just called.

They've been trying to
reach you for the past hour.

In regards to what?

[DEAN] Apparently your wife spoke out

about some sort of feud
he's having with the president.

What the f*ck?

[POUNDING ON DOOR] Martha.

God as my witness, woman,

I will cancel your Diners Club card

if you don't open this door right now.

What? What do you want?

You want to berate me
in front of our guests?

♪ ♪

Oh, f*ck me! Jesus!

[BREATHING HEAVILY] Ah.

I mean...

Sorry.

♪ ♪

- Are you okay?
- I hate this stupid dress.

My mom had it made for me.

- I look like Little Bo Peep.
- [CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

You want a Doublemint?

No, thanks.

♪ ♪

Cigarette?

[MARTHA] It's just
an interview, for God's sake.

It's not the end of the world.

You had to mention Kissinger,
like I need more enemies.

"Martha Mitchell bares all."

Is this some kind of
retribution for the other night

'cause I didn't just drop everything

and whisk Martha
off to some foreign land

or wherever the f*ck?

Yeah. So you... you do know
I have feelings.

You just choose to ignore them.

I see. I'm sure if he asked
to go on vacation,

you'd have your bags packed in one hour.

He's my boss.

He's your life.

You roll over for him day and night.

- [JOHN] My God. My God.
- What is the draw, really?

- Tell me. The subservience...
- That's enough.

Is it that he makes you feel
like a big man,

- makes you feel wanted?
- That's enough, Martha.

[LAUGHING] I mean, your d*ck
must look so big

in his tiny hands.

[MARTHA GASPS]

[JOHN BREATHING SHAKILY]

Look, let's just both take a breath.

You take a f*cking breath.

My mama slaps me harder than that.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[MITCHELL] You're a... you're a pig!

- All day...
- [LOUD THUD]

[ARGUING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

Nobody cares what you think!

[INDISTINCT ARGUING CONTINUES]

They used to like each other
before we moved here.

Now everything's just terrible.

I hate parties.
I hate all of these people.

How old are you?

Eleven and a half.

What you need is an exit strategy.

You can petition for emancipation at .

Seems a little extreme.

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT ARGUING CONTINUES]

And that isn't?

Do you have a business card?

[CHUCKLES]

I will represent you pro bono.

I'd get started now,

but, uh, I'm a little busy
with the president.

My mom says Nixon's dogshit.

Honestly, I wouldn't know.

I've never even met the guy.

♪ ♪

Bye.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

- You ready?
- Yeah.

[INDISTINCT ARGUING CONTINUES]

The election is in eight
f*cking months, Martha.

You can just keep your mouth
shut for eight months,

we'll be fine.

Get another wife
if you want a silent one

or marry that portrait
I had made for you,

which you never
thanked me for, by the way.

♪ ♪

You want to know the truth, Martha?

There's no conspiracy against you.

There's no collusion
hiding in the shadows.

People just don't like you.

That's why we can't fly
on Air Force One.

Oh, and those journalists

that you call in the middle of night...

They're not your friends.

They just can't take
their eyes off a good show.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪ ♪

[DOOR OPENS, SLAMS]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Bob Haldeman sees my name
on six memos a day.

Has no f*cking idea who I am.

Oh, important people
are only as important

as the rest of us make them.

Just don't give them that power.

♪ ♪

You're very wise.

You sound surprised.

[SCOFFS]

These f*cking people.

I think it's a good thing
you're not like those people.

You're better than them.

- You barely know me.
- That is true.

But I do know you well enough to know

that you're a good person deep down,

even when no one's watching.

But then I also know
that you used the FAA

to find out my flight schedule,
which is a huge red flag,

but it did show uncanny initiative.

Oh...

And I know your dirty secret.

♪ ♪

In the moments when you shut up,

you actually know how to listen.

- Wait, I know how to shut up.
- Stop talking.

- Wha...
- Stop f*cking talking.

I'm stopping.

♪ ♪

- Which one's your house?
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

♪ ♪

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

♪ ♪

Met a young couple tonight.

Reminded me of a long time ago...

being at the beginning of something.

I'm sorry, I didn't know
anybody was out here.

That's quite all right.

Would you happen to have a cigarette?

- Thank you.
- [LIGHTER CLICKS]

I hope I'm not out of line
here, Mrs. Mitchell, but...

I wanted to tell you that I read

your Ladies' Home Journal interview.

There aren't many honest people
left in this town.

I believe you're one of them.

Well, thank you.

McCord, wasn't it?

Yes, ma'am, James McCord.

I appreciate you, James McCord.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] Ma'am.

[MITCHELL] Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

[STAMMERS] Fetch the sugar
for me, would you, dear?

California?

We got a couple of fundraisers
out there.

I thought it'd give you a chance

to try on that new swimsuit of yours.

The one with the cutouts?

I don't know if that's
appropriate for a public beach.

Well...

maybe you and I could find

something a bit more...

secluded.

I want to go to boarding school.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

♪ ♪

[MO] You know, John,

whatever it is they're making you do...

...you don't have to do it.

Just saying you always have a choice.

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ ♪

Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr. Mitchell's out for the day.

Oh...

But you can leave that
on his desk if you'd like.

- Right.
- [PHONE RINGS]

Mr. Mitchell's office.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

[SECRETARY] Mr. Dean,

uh, I can hold on to that if you want.

Give it to Mr. Mitchell
personally when he comes in.

Don't worry about the letter. [CHUCKLES]

It was a false alarm.

[LIDDY] The names of great men
are etched in the halls of power...

I'll see myself out.

[LIDDY] ...Napoleon,
Alexander, Charlemagne.

But who will tell our stories
when we're gone?

Who will sing our songs?

♪ ♪

For not all men who change
the world are remembered.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[LIDDY] Most are lost
like embers in a fire.

Some worship at the boot of power,

weak against the tide of human frailty.

I know your spot right there.

[LIDDY] Others are born to be forgotten,

reaching for a greatness
they can never fully grasp.

♪ ♪

There she is, machos...

our destiny.

¿Qué es eso?

El Watergate.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

[LIDDY] But make no mistake...

a triumphant will is what binds us

to those creatures
from the prehistoric sea.

And with it, we can alter
the course of human history.

♪ ♪

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ ♪

- [SIZZLING]
- Ow!