10x24 - Bud Hits the Books

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married... With Children". Aired: April 5, 1987 – June 9, 1997.*
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Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
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10x24 - Bud Hits the Books

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪]

Thanks for inviting me over

to play Strip Study, Bud.

Well,

just like it says on the box,

"It's a game with no losers."

Okay, Ariel.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Ulysses S. Grant was
a general in which w*r?"

Um, the w*r on dr*gs?

Ooh, close.

[SOFTLY] Aw, man.

No, the correct
answer is the Civil w*r.

They named a w*r
after Civil Shepherd?

Oh, man.

Now, you know the rules.

For each wrong answer

you must remove
one piece of clothing.

Gee,

if I'd known the rules,

I would have worn underwear.

Okay. "Who was the first
president of the United States?"

George Washington.

Wrong.

Gosh, Bud, I'm not that smart.

I can't figure out why
you'd want to study with me.

Well, you make every
subject come to life.

Bud, finals are a week away

and every time we try to
study, we end up having sex.

Trust me, Ariel, in two minutes,
we'll be right back to studying.

[SNORES]

Bud, wake up.

What is it?

George Washington was the
first president of the United States.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what time it is?

Uh, 6:00?

No, it's 8:00.

Damn.

No, we're not playing
that game anymore, Ariel.

It's morning.

What am I gonna do?

If I don't pass these
exams I won't graduate.

Come on, we gotta
get out of here.

Well, won't it be awkward

when your family sees me
coming out of your room?

No, I have girls
over here all the time.

They won't even bat an eye.

Come on. Let's go.

[HORNS BLOWING AND CHEERING]

That's my boy!

Congratulations, son.
Your first sleep-over date.

And with a girl too.

Unless it's one of those
Crying Game kind of things.

How did you guys
know Ariel was here?

Well, for once the cries of:

"Oh, Bud. Oh, Bud,"

wasn't just you
throwing your voice.

Yeah, and then about 1 a.m.

you suddenly yelled
out the window:

"I just got busy."

Now, being down with the
lingo you youngsters use today,

I knew that you had just done
the function at the junction.

So you spent the night
with my brother, Bud.

Could you, uh...? Could you
bend your head forward, please?

Nope, no air nozzle.

Will you leave her alone?

The girl just had the
best sex of her life.

I didn't say it was the best.

I said you did your best.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

So, Bud,

shall I study your
brains out again tonight?

No, no, no.

I really have to study alone.

I have to get my diploma

so I can get the
hell out of this house.

Bud, come here a second, son.

You're, uh... You're
gonna do the right thing

by this girl now, aren't you?

You mean marry her?

No, I mean never call her again.

Yeah, thanks... Thanks
for the advice, Dad.

Look, Ariel, I really need to
get my grades up, all right?

So, uh, until finals are
over, I'm swearing off sex.

That's a good idea. I'm
gonna get my grades up too.

So you'll swear off sex also?

No, I'm gonna sleep
with all my teachers.

Thanks.

[HORNS BLOWING AND CHEERING]

E equals MC...

cup.

[GROANS]

I have to concentrate.

I know.

And...

She's still too sexy.

Bud?

[CRIES OUT]

What the hell is that?

Dad, I'm trying to study.

What, why presidents marry ugly?

But, son, actually, I'm
glad you're studying

because then you'll be quiet
while the guys and I watch TV.

Today's the premiere of the
new Big 'Uns Network, B-U-N.

Or BUN.

Dad, why do you have to watch
it down here on my small TV?

We're not watching the
BUN on your small TV.

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

You, uh, guys wanna give me
a hand here with Marcy's TV?

Sure.

Put it right there.

Dad, I'm not gonna
be able to study

with you guys sitting
there watching bimbo TV.

They're not bimbos.

They're "hooteracious"
Americans.

And secondly, son,

you're not even gonna
notice that we're here.

MAN [ON TV]: Welcome to the
premiere of the Big 'Uns Network.

I'm former Senator Bob Packwood

and this is a real
dear-diary day for me.

[GIRL GIGGLES]

[ALL CHEER]

Yeah, shake them. Shake them.

This is ridiculous.

I'm gonna have to
find a place to study

where there's absolutely
nothing that can turn me on.

Why, Bud, what was that for?

Just for being you,
Miss Hardaway.

You're so cute.

What can I do for you?

Be as creative as you
like with your answer.

I would just like the, uh...

The reserved reading
for these classes, please.

Oh.

By the way, do you
have a poster of yourself

I could hang up over my desk?

Well, I don't have
a poster of myself,

but I was featured
in this magazine.

Library 'Uns?

I'm the centerfold.

[SCREAMING]

ALL: Shh!

I've marked the parts
you're supposed to read

and I've taken the liberty

of putting my home phone
number on the bookmark.

Oh, Bud, if you're looking
for a quiet place to study,

try that reading room
there. It's very private.

Thanks, I'll give it a try.

Oh, this is perfect.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

Now I can finally
forget about sex

and concentrate on my studies.

Oh, I guess I'll start
with Shakespeare here.

"Her breasts like ivory
globes circled with blue,

A pair of maiden
worlds unconquerèd."

God, what I wouldn't give
for a pair of globes right now.

Okay, I've gotta calm down.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

Okay, what could be less
stimulating than Biology?

[SIGHS]

"The woman indicates
her readiness by..."

"When the female has
reached peak arousal..."

Oh, I'd like to peak
at some arousal.

Okay, no sex. No sex.

No sex. No sex.

Okay, Anthropology will
definitely cool me down.

"Costumes of the
Trobriand Islanders."

Okay.

Hm.

The women use
coconut shells as clothing.

Hey, those aren't
coconut shells,

but those are coconuts.

A man can only take so much.

I wonder what's up with Bud.

PACKWOOD [ON TV]: This is Senator
Packwood live from the Big 'Uns Olympics.

The officials are on
the field measuring.

It's a new world record.

Seventy-two and one half inches.

She's won the gold.

Yes.

Yes, I knew she
had what it takes.

What event is it, long jump?

No, they're just
measuring her chest.

Dad, I need to talk to you.

The university just
put me on probation.

Way to go, son.

What did you do, paint
the school mascot?

Go on a panty raid?

I was caught having
sex in the school library.

All right-o. That's my boy.

Who's the lucky girl?

You're shaking her.

Dad, I'm gonna be tried
by the university deans.

I might not be able to graduate.

Won't you give me a hand?

Obviously, you have
too many as it is.

Dad, if I don't graduate,

I might just live here forever.

Son,

you need the best
defense no money can buy.

We will now try the case of

Trumaine College v. Bud Bundy.

We have convened here
at the scene of the crime.

Um, you're, uh, not going
to re-create it, are you?

No, that was not my
intention, Dean Markwand,

but I cannot speak
for Mr. Bundy.

Perhaps he should be handcuffed
during these proceedings?

That will not be necessary.

I am confident that my
client can control himself.

Then obviously you
haven't seen the videotape.

I think I can defend Mr. Bundy
without viewing the tape.

In fact, that was
the one condition

on which I agreed
to take the case.

Bud Bundy, how do you plead?

Absolutely 100
percent not guilty.

Yeah, it was really nice of Bud

to let us watch the Big 'Uns
Extreme Games in his room.

By the way, where is your son?

I have no son.

Haven't you heard?


Bud was caught in
the Trumaine library

doing what will soon
be referred to as, uh,

"The Bundy."

Try to raise a kid with
values and decency...

Oh, look, Big 'Uns freefall.

You don't need a parachute
when you've got 'Uns.

It's enough to make you
wanna do "The Bundy."

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, I give Bud credit.

The library's a
pretty creative place.

Most creative place I ever
did it was on an airplane.

You did it in a
bathroom on a plane?

Who said anything
about a bathroom?

And so in light of the
videotape evidence,

and the eyewitness account
of the now traumatized student

who had the misfortune
of opening the door

at exactly the wrong moment,

we must conclude that Bud Bundy

is absolutely 100
percent guilty.

Well, does the defense
possibly have anything to say

other than the obvious
"I'm so, so sorry"?

We do not dispute the
evidence of this case.

Then you admit the
defendant committed this crime.

He committed the act.

There was no crime.

Allow me to quote from
your official student handbook.

"Abstinence saves lives."

And what guarantees
abstinence better than self-love?

Constant,
never-ending self-love.

I ask you to look
at this young man.

Would you rather
he do what he did

or be out there breeding?

And I did "The Bundy"
at the Ice Capades.

During my driving test.

Watching Shaft.

On my honeymoon.

On your honeymoon?

That doesn't count.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

I think I may have been a
little too harsh on my son.

After all, the only thing
he really did wrong

was going to the
library in the first place.

The rest is totally
understandable.

I mean, we men have our needs.

It's women who tell us
these things are wrong.

And why?

Because they wanna take
away the only good sex we have.

[AGREEING INDISTINCTLY]

That's right.

I know now what we must do.

And so in conclusion,

I say if touching
yourself is a crime

then who among us does
not deserve the chair?

All right.

We concede that what Bud
did was not in itself a crime.

But how do you explain
doing it in the library?

Well, I'm glad you asked that.

Bud, how the hell
do you explain it?

Easily.

I was set up.

I direct the attention of
the court to Miss Hardaway

who has had a
crush on me for years.

In fact, at this very moment

she's thinking about what I
must look like under my clothes.

That is a tight little lie.

I-I mean a little white lie.

Can you deny that
on the night in question

you gave me your home
phone number? This number?

Ugh.

And did you not tell me
which study room to sit in

knowing full well it had
a surveillance camera?

And did you not give
me erotic textbooks

with all the good parts marked?

You gave him Costumes
of the Trobriand Islanders?

I did.

My God.

The boy is only human.

So you see, I was entrapped

by a middle-aged librarian

who saw a hot little
tushy and wanted more.

That is not true.

I dare you to
take a look at this

and still deny your feelings.

All right, I confess.

I am in love with Bud Bundy.

Whenever he comes in the library

I turn the heat up so he'll have
to strip down to his t*nk top.

When he returns a book
late, I always hope he'll say:

"I've been a bad
boy, Miss Hardaway.

Spank me hard."

The court will
excuse me if I heave?

I've read every book
on loving in this library.

I could do things to him
he's never even dreamed of.

Really?

I think we have a
unanimous verdict.

We will dismiss this case,

allow Mr. Bundy to graduate,

and seal the records

so as to maintain the good
name of the Michael Milken Library.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. D'Arcy.

Oh, you were great.

And best of all, nobody's
ever gonna know

about this ugly little incident.

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Free the Bundy one

Free the Bundy one
Free the Bundy one

Free the Bundy one
Free the Bundy one

This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal

broadcasting live
at Trumaine College

where the group called
NO MA'AM is picketing

in support of Bud Bundy's
inalienable right as an American

to touch himself in the library

or anywhere else
for that matter.

Four, three, two, one
Bud's alone but he has fun

Two, four, six, eight
It's his only steady date

One, two, three, four

He shouldn't have
To lock the door

Free the Bundy one!

["POMP AND
CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING]

[♪♪♪]
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