33x18 - My Octopus and a Teacher

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Second grade is a turbulent time.

In gym, I was given a "C"

when I refused to play
with the non-vegan football.

And so, I was searching for meaning.

And extra credit.

I found it in the Future Nature
Documentarian Day Camp.

I knew two things going in.

I would produce
a three-minute documentary

and lunch would not be provided.

What I didn't know
was that I would become friends

with an eight-armed miracle.

♪ ♪

At first, she was shy, like me.

Unlike me, most of her brain cells

are located in her tentacles.

Which can smell, taste and even think.

I named her Molly.

She was the most fascinating creature.

A master of camouflage.

Her liquid body could slip
into the tiniest spaces.

MARGE: (GASPS) A shark!

Mom! I'm recording my voice-over.

I wasn't expecting to see a shark.

What if it bit you?

Quick, let me do a finger count.

It's a tiny shark.
It's not dangerous to people.

I don't like you hanging out
with sharks.

You should have land friends.

Noted.

Though Molly and I
are both solitary creatures,

- we forged a bond.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

- Mom.
- It's so cute.

SKINNER: Your résumé is impressive.

Very impressive.

You won the Tishman Prize
for Classroom Excellence

and the Fallberg Prize
for Cloakroom Excellence.

I invented a new coat hook.

So, what brings you to Springfield?

Oh, my husband was hired by the
Springfield Symphony Orchestra.

He's an oboist. He's not great.

But that-that was unsupportive.

He's good. Oboe is hard.

See, for two years I taught in Ghana,

which was so rewarding,
but not so much for him.

Ghana doesn't have an orchestra?

Well, they do, but you have to
be really good to play in it...

Ooh, n-not that Springfield isn't good.

It is a fine regional orchestra,
and-and my husband

fits right in.

(LAUGHS)

Anyway, that's why we're here.

Uh, uh, would you, uh,
excuse us for one moment?

Oh, uh, c-certainly.

CHALMERS: Yes. An actual
qualified teacher.

SKINNER: And she's stuck here
because her husband sucks at oboe.

- CHALMERS: Ha!
- SKINNER: Booyah!

(CLEARS THROAT) Um...

obviously, we're meeting
with other applicants...

Of course, and I'm meeting
with other schools.

No! You're hired, you're hired.

Here's a ninety, uh, three
dollar signing bonus.

And you can have his parking spot.

I'll park at the yogurt place.
They-they know me there.

(GASPS)

Are-are you okay?

Boys, meet your new teacher, Ms. Peyton.

This is Nelson, Milhouse and...

w-who is that behind that locker?

Just me. Bart.

Bart. Bart. (LAUGHS)

You know, like a seal?

You look familiar. Have we met?

(ROBOTIC): No! You are a stranger.

Stranger, stranger,
overheating alert, alert, alert.

(HIGH-PITCHED):
Shutting down. Self-destruct.

(IMITATES expl*si*n, WHISTLING)

Bart had Skittles
with milk for breakfast.

I told him he couldn't
handle the rainbow.

_

I wanted to chase the shark away,

but the documentarian oath
is "never interfere."

It's printed on the T-shirt.

Molly tried to armor herself
against the predator.

But it wasn't enough.

As a filmmaker, all I could do
was watch in horror

and rack focus on the shark.

I hope I made a difference
in Molly's short life,

because she will forever be

My Cephalopod Soulmate.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Oh, Lisa, your movie
was so sad and beautiful.

That poor octomapus.

Your movie really makes you think about

the wondrous creature beneath the batter

and the marinara sauce and the...

(DROOLS)

Mmm, Lisa's friend.

I think I need some time alone.

- Of course.
- Oh, sweetie, whatever you need.

(GIGGLING)

I won an award!

Well, actually,
we won an award. (LAUGHS)

You want to watch it again?

(LISA GRUNTS)

I know, I broke the code and interfered.

Maybe I should give back the trophy.

Or we could do that. Problem solved.

You're so smart.

(SIGHS)

Be patient.

They may test you at first,
but it's only because

of their terribly sad home lives.

Hello, teachers.
My name is Rayshelle Peyton.

This is my first day,
so you'll have to tell me

all the inside jokes.

(GRUNTS) I have a ruptured disk,
but I can't afford to stay home.

(LAUGHS) I can't wait to hear
the story behind that.

- Huh?
- Show of hands,

who here is familiar

with project-based learning?

The reason I ask:
my last school did a project

where each grade built a model

of one of the New Seven Wonders
of the World,

and for the next month, all subjects...

Math, art, history and science...

Were taught by designing
and building the project.

If you're undecided, I've got
a much longer presentation.

Let me grab my puppets.

Look, whatever is making
all this happen,

either adjust the dosage or share.

Oh, I get it.

You don't want to abandon the lessons

you've already carefully prepared

to follow these step-by-step plans.

The lessons are already written out?

This is like the HelloFresh of teaching.

I can be on cruise control for a month.

I'm second grade. What are we making?

- Chichen Itza.
- Great.

I'll start by finding out what that is.

These self-portraits are gonna
help me get to know you better.

This way, I get to see you
the way you see you.

Wow.

Classic compulsive overachiever.

Relax, this isn't being graded.

I mean, A+.

(SIGHS)

Uh, this is me b*ating up
Santa until he's my dad.

Ah.

Okay, violent,

but he cares about holidays and family.

I can work with this.

That's a lot of glue.

How is that part of your self-portrait?

Uh, um, uh... because, you know, uh...

m-my-my face always has,
u-uh, glue on it.

Oh. Really?

Yeah, see? (GRUNTS)

(LOW-PITCHED): I am glue-face.

I have slept for a thousand years.

- (GRUNTS) Ow.
- PEYTON: Oh!

(LOW-PITCHED VOICE): That did not hurt.

Take me to your principal, I... Oh!

Glue-face want door.

Glue-face need restroom.

PEYTON: What the hell
is wrong with this kid?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Dude, what are you doing in there?

I know it's not a sidekick's place
to give notes,

but for the past few weeks,

nothing's landing.

Really? I thought milk-nose
glitter sneeze landed.

No. It did not land.

- Really hard to look at.
- You don't seem in control.

We can't laugh at your clowning
if we're concerned about you.

Why are you messing with Ms. Peyton?

She's nice.

I don't know why I do stuff, okay?

I don't know why I'm yelling now!

I'm not gonna noogie you,

but when you think
about your actions today,

I hope you noogie yourself.

(BART GROANS)

(GASPS) How'd you do that?

Wait, no. What are you do...

No. No, no. Don't do that.

No, no, no. (SCREAMS)

(MOANS) There's supposed to be
a Krazy Krusty Ball in here.

- (GASPS)
- Huh.

That is a crazy ball.

Uh, can I have it?

- Sure. Think fast.
- No, don't.

Oh, you inked.

Oh.

Uh, you might not want
to eat that cereal.

Hmm? Why not?

Uh, no reason. No.

I'm just gonna go google
some toxicology stuff.

(CHUCKLES)

Kids love Google.

BART: Huh, using an X-Acto Kn*fe

to make the Styrofoam look
like stone was a cool idea.

Wait, did I just use "cool"
to describe homework?

What is happening to me?

(GASPS) Huh?

(SHOUTS)

This Friday, there's an assembly
to present the Seven Wonders.

Your parents will be there,

and they'll judge me
based on what you do.

But no pressure.

Well, a little pressure. (CHUCKLES)

Pressure makes diamonds.

Anyway, take your projects out
and get to work, please.

Milhouse, I love how
you carved the Styrofoam

to make it look like stones.

I used an X-Acto Kn*fe.

Bart. What's wrong?

I didn't mean to do that.

Great work, Milhouse.

I meant to do this.

- Bart.
- I lost my fingerprints gluing that.

We had to go to urgent care.

I saw a drug addict!

(BART WHIMPERS)

Now I've got an octopus-proof t*nk

with safety latch,
escape alarm, and... (GASPS)

Where did... where did you go?

♪ I'm a sucker for you, yeah ♪

♪ You say the word
and I'll go anywhere blindly ♪

♪ I'm a sucker for you, yeah ♪

♪ Any road you take,
you know that you'll find me ♪

♪ I'm a sucker for all
the subliminal things ♪

♪ No one knows about you ♪

♪ About you, about you ♪

♪ I'm a sucker for you. ♪

First of all,
I am enjoying Bart's energy.

Uh, uh, you don't have to say
nice stuff about Bart.

- We know the drill.
- Okay, good.

Just tell us what's wrong with him.

To be honest, I'm not sure.

I have tried every intervention I know.

Letting him be the teacher,
scaring him straight,

dunce caps, genius pants,
negging, Breakfast Clubbing,

no recess, nothing but recess,
puppy stickers.

Oh. Bart's always had his problems,

but now it sounds like
they're turning into...

(CRIES)

issues.

Don't worry, I am going to get
to the bottom

of why he's acting out.

Could each of you fill out this
child development questionnaire?

You need to know how long
I was in labor?

Oh, does that question bother you?

No. No, not at all. I love it.

Hey, Buddy, I think
I know why you've been

such an unlikeable jerk lately.

Someone has a little crush
on their teacher.

Someone has a big crush on being wrong.

Come on, boy, open up to me. I get it.

I was in love with my school nurse.

I would hurt myself on purpose
just to see her.

I'd fall off the monkey bars,
bash my head into a wall,

and sometimes I'd even
fall off the monkey bars.

Actually, there is something
I'm dealing with right now.

- My dad's an idiot.
- Listen, you little...

I had brilliant advice
for how to handle a crush.

But now, I'm keeping it to myself.

I've met her before.

So? I've met people.

Lisa, Maggie. Uh... you!

No, I've met the teacher before.

I'm opening up to you.

Oh, okay. Well, go on, son.

When Lisa was doing her fish movie,

Mom and I would wait on the beach.

Some rich kid left a sand pail
from the fancy hotel.

That bucket was my ticket
to the guests-only pool area.

At first, it was pretty sweet.

Then I tried a fancy dive
off the Tarzan swing.

A belly flop will knock
the wind out of you.

Especially a belly full of hot fudge.

- (GASPING)
- I panicked, and suddenly,

I couldn't tread water,
no matter how hard I flailed.

And no one was noticing.

But then...

(PANTING) Oh, God.

Are-are you okay?

WOMAN: What happened?

(WHISPERING): He can't swim.

That poor boy.

Why did you do that? I was fine.

I'm an amazing swimmer.

I-I'm, I'm sorry, I-I thought that...

I feel awful.

She ruined her dress
and I yelled at her.

And my hand went in her mouth
for a second.

She doesn't recognize me, yet.

But when she does, she's gonna hate me.

Every day I tell myself to be invisible.

Next thing I know,
I'm standing on my desk,

pretending to poop out
the class hamster.

HOMER: Hmm.

What if you told her the...
whatchamacallit?

- The truth?
- Yeah, that thing.

You're right.
If it were out in the open,

she'd have nothing on me.

Wow, you actually helped.

I did. You know what?

I think I'm finally ready to be a dad.

I'm gonna tell my wife!

(GROWLS)

(LISA SHOUTS)

That's it. Ugh, you are not
safe in this house.

Whew, you're coming to school with me.

(GROWLS, YELPS)

Oh, this is great.

I'll come clean, no more weirdness.

(EXHALES) I feel better already.

Hello.

- (PEYTON CHUCKLES)
- (GASPS)

Hmm, isn't that interesting?

She's married.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

Okay, I might be a teensy bit
in love with her.

_

♪ ♪

_

_

_

_

Dad, you were right.

I do have a crush on her.

I saw Ms. Peyton kiss her husband

and I Hulked out on the water fountain.

Yeah, jealousy will
make you do crazy things.

Once, a guy opened the door
for Marge, so I keyed his car.

Which was the school bus.

Turned out he opened
the door for everybody.

Except for me, after that.

Well, jealousy is gonna
make me ruin this assembly.

- I can't stop myself.
- Ooh.

You said you had great advice
on crushes.

What is it?

Here's what you need to know.

You're a kid, she's a grown-up.
Get over it.

That's your amazing advice?

That's not advice,
that's just... (SCOFFS)

the truth.

Look, sometimes there are
awesome things in this world

that aren't meant to be
your awesome thing.

You got to let it go.

Trust me, there's other fish in the sea.

He's right. And you should
also be in the sea.

Hunting and k*lling those fish.

After school... (SNIFFLES)

I'll take you back to your home.

Dad, what if I snap and totally
mess up the assembly?

Vent on inanimate objects.

Punch a pillow, tear up Kleenex.

I like to scream
into Pringles canisters.

You can do this.

Boom. Parenting is easy.

- Mwah.
- Oh.

(GROANS, PANTS)

Okay, Homer said
to punch something soft.

There's nothing soft here.

We are so excited to share
our school-wide project:

the New Seven Wonders Of the World.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I want to thank
my wonderful husband Darryl,

who insisted on providing the music.

♪ ♪

Yeah, I get to hear that all the time.

(FORCED CHUCKLE)

Oh, man, he's in a band?

Oh, I can't compete with that.

I need something to scream in.

(YELLS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Simpson!

(YELPING)

(SCREAMING, SHOUTING)

CHALMERS: Good lord.
The Redeemer's on a rampage!

(GRUNTING)

Styrofoam specks.

Brushing just attracts more of them.

(MUFFLED SHOUTS)

Oh... Molly!

(GRUNTING)

(YELLS) My lids.

(SHOUTS)

(EXHALES, GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(SNIFFLING)

Ms. Peyton, please don't
give up on this school

because of one apex disrupter.

Look, you can, you can switch classes.

Ms. Hoover will teach Bart.

No way. I had him two years ago.

My hair fell out in clumps.

- I'm not taking him.
- No way.

I'd rather go back to prison.

(BART WHIMPERS SOFTLY)

Ms. Peyton?

I'm sorry I ruined everything.

You probably won't believe this,

but I had an octopus stuck to my face.

- I believe you.
- You do?

Yes, because I know,

deep down, you want to be good.

Also, your face is covered
in tentacle hickeys.

There's something I need to tell you.

Really? You didn't get
your fill of destruction today?

(GASPS) You're angry drowning boy.

Oh, I-I'm so sorry. That's what
I call you in my head.

I hope I didn't embarrass you that day.

I thought you needed help.

I did, actually.

I had two sundaes and some curly fries.

It made me forget how to swim.

Anyway, thank you for seeing me.

You're welcome.

That's why I've been weird around you.

Also...

(MOANS)

I kind of like you.

I did homework, and I didn't mind it.

(SIGHS) Barf emoji.

You know, a crush
on a teacher just means

you're coming to love
a new part of yourself

that I'm bringing out in you.

So I actually have a crush on myself?

And now that you told me,
that'll be less weird, too.

So, do you need help packing up?

- I'm staying.
- (GASPS)

A teacher teaches the good kids
and the nightmares.

Not that you're a nightmare,
but I-I... Y-You know.

I know. My last teacher
had a little trick that seemed to work.

Oh, really?

Oops.

♪ ♪

(GRUNTS)

Hmph.

What? I'm part of nature, too.

(GROANS)