11x06 - A Bundy Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

You know, Peg, I hate
to be a needy husband,

a demanding husband,
and your husband,

but where the hell is
my Thanksgiving pie tin?

Why don't you check
under the couch

where I keep the
other dirty dishes?

Once again, Peg,
way to homemake.

You see, now, I
can't quite reach.

Well, here.

You wanna try my
bonbon retriever?

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. I got something.

Hey, it's from Bud's
nursery school.

He failed his T.B. test, Peg.

I told him to study.

Damn cough. I
just can't shake it.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

Vacuuming for lost hair, Al?

Why don't you take

your shriveled-up
gourds on out of here?

And your cornucopia too.

Wow, corn. Thanks, Mrs. D'Arcy.

Ow.

Those are shellacked, you aphid.

Peggy, aren't you gonna
cook a turkey for your family

this Thanksgiving?

You expect me to
cook on a holiday?

Homemaking a job too, you know.

Why don't you apply for it, Peg?

Hey, I found it. Mwah.

Oh, good. Now you can put
that metal plate back in your head.

Although, that's a lot like
putting a lid on an empty jar.

Or a bra on you.

This pie tin is worth 25 cents

towards one of Aunt Maddie's
famous sweet potato pies.

Well, if she's so famous, how
come I haven't heard of her?

I don't know. Maybe because
she doesn't make chicken pies.

Please don't get him
started on Aunt Maddie.

Bud, unlike the happy
childhood we provided for you,

I didn't have such a
fortunate upbringing.

Oh, well,

I'm sure Mr. and Mrs.
Sasquatch did their best.

But we did have one holiday
tradition that we cherished.

Mom would serve Dad
the traditional Wild Turkey

and then chug the
rest of the bottle.

We'd weave on
down to Aunt Maddie's

and pick up a sweet potato pie,

then go back home,
the folks would pass out,

and I'd have me that sweet
potato pie all to myself.

Sort of makes you all warm
and fuzzy inside, doesn't it?

That's what Mom said
about that Wild Turkey.

Ooh, yeah. Shake it, baby.

Oh, hey, that Miss Piggy

is always a hit in the
Thanksgiving Day Parade.

And, kids, looks who's
coming up: Betty Boop.

Oh, she's fine.

Oh, Bud.

I'm a dead man. I
couldn't get the turkey.

Marcy's gonna k*ll me.

Whoa, check out Betty Boop.

Those have gotta be fake.

That's nothing.
Miss Piggy's dress

got caught on a traffic light.

I saw everything.

Everything.

Oh, the parade.

Hey, when did they get a
Rush Limbaugh balloon?

No, Mom. That...
That is Rush Limbaugh.

Peggy. Peggy, help.

Look, Thanksgiving is
Marcy's favorite holiday.

If I ruin it, she's gonna
cut off my giblets.

I thought she did
that a long time ago.

Will you sell me your turkey?

Well, I'd give him to you,
but he's out getting pie.

I'm dead. There's not a single
turkey left in all of Chicago.

Hey, you guys.

Look at this fat chicken
that followed me home.

I'm gonna name him Hank.

Hello. Hello.

Aunt Maddie, open up.

Hey, Al, they're closed.

Says there's been
a death in the family.

Oh, God, no. Does that
mean no pie this Thanksgiving?

Can I help you folks?

Yeah, I need to
find Aunt Maddie.

You know where she is?

Oh, she's down
at the church, son.

And where is that?

Now, you go down
to the end of the block

and you make a right.

Go past the barber shop,
and you take your first right.

Go another block,
make another right,

then one more right,
and it's on your right.

Well, wouldn't it be easier
just to cross the street?

Sure. But I need a
ride to the barber shop.

How you doing?

Turkey on Thanksgiving.

This could catch on.

Kelly.

Look at the, uh...

Look at the nice bed
we made for Hank.

Listen, honey, when
he's all snuggled in

we'll kiss him goodbye.

I-I meant, good night.

And then we're gonna
put him into his little house.

Well, I don't know
if he's gonna like it.

Hank's afraid of the dark.

Oh, oh,

but see, if I turn
this little dial,

his house fills up
with a pretty blue light.

Yeah, and... And
he'll be real comfy

sleeping on these bread crumbs.

And, honey, I
made him a blanket.

Wait a minute.

I know what you
guys are trying to do.

You're trying to get Hank
to like you more than me.

Well, I am sorry.

We're too smart
to fall for that.

All right, look, this is
what we're gonna do.

I'll distract her, while
you snap the neck.

Couldn't you snap her neck?

I mean, after all,
she is my sister. I...

Kelly, honey, I'm
getting a little concerned.

Yeah, you're getting
very attached to Hank

and, um, the life span
of a turkey is very short.

Especially this time of year.

Kelly, what are you
doing? These are my pants.

I know, but you and Hank
are about the same size.

What...? What are you doing with
your hands around Hank's neck?

Uh, just checking his pulse.

He doesn't look too good.

Ah. Could be turkey pox.

Maybe we should check
his temperature with this.

Yeah.

But first, we better take off
his feathers and examine him.

Wait a minute.

I know what you guys are up to.

You just wanna see
Hank naked. God.

Excuse me. I'm...

I'm looking for Aunt Maddie.

Here she comes now.

I don't know how I can live

without the warmth
and sweetness.

We're all gonna miss her.

That unforgettable,
spicy flavor,

and buttery bottom.

Good Lord, is he talking
about Aunt Maddie?

Hm. I think Aunt Maddie
had jungle fever with this man.

So

You come here often?

Do you mind? I'm
overwhelmed with grief.

Well, how would you like
to be overwhelmed by Griff?

Gentlemen, excuse me.
I don't believe we've met.

Uh, I'm James Brown,
Aunt Maddie's nephew.

Aren't you that guy on TV?

The... The host of NFL on Fox?

Why, yes, I am. But you
know, I also cover hockey.

Yeah, but who cares about that?

So you knew my Aunt Maddie?

I have very fond
memories of your aunt.

My mother and father
use to take me down

to her pie store
every Thanksgiving.

I'd try to steal a cookie and
she'd slap me upside the head.

Then she'd give
me a cookie anyway.

She was a wonderful woman.

Wait a minute. Don't
tell me you're Al Bundy?

Yeah, did she talk about me?

Oh, my goodness. All the time.

As a matter of fact, I'm where
I am today because of you.

Really?

Yeah. I can hear her now.
She used to always say:

"James, do your homework

or you'll wind
up like Al Bundy."

Yeah, I'm glad I could help.

So you're staying for pie?

Pie? Pie?

Well, of course.
After the service,

we're all gonna have a bit

of Aunt Maddie's
last sweet potato pie.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Hanky, your bubble bath's ready.

Okay. Let's k*ll him.

Hanky, Pooky, are
you down here? W...

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Kelly, look, I know
you love Hank.

So I'm gonna say this
as gently as possible.

We're gonna cut
that bird's head off,

stuff his butt full of
bread, and eat him.

Oh, get away! Get away!

You are not gonna k*ll Hank.

Kelly? Honey, it's your mother.

You know I'm on your side.

How many heart-to-hearts
have we had through this door?

Mom, that's the linen closet.

We have a linen closet?

Open up.

Go away, you turkey-haters.

Kelly, I promise he
won't feel a thing.

This isn't one of
your dates, Bud.

I'm sorry, Hank.

I really wanna keep you

but it's not safe here.

I'm gonna have to set you free.

Oh, me too. I'll
never forget you.

Fly away, Hank.

Fly like the wind!

I meant fly up, Hank!

♪ Gonna lay down
My sword and shield ♪

♪ Down by the riverside ♪

♪ Down by the riverside ♪

Oh! Whoo! That
was inspirational!

Let's do another one!

Amen, brother Griff.

What? I've been
waiting for one year

for a taste of that pie,

so if you don't wanna make
this a double funeral, stop singing.

♪ He's got the whole
world In his hands ♪

♪ He's got whole wide
world In his hands ♪

♪ He's got the whole
world In his hands ♪

♪ I want that whole
pie In my hands ♪

Excuse me. Excuse
me, Reverend Hightower.

Now, this glorious music

has ridden on angel's
wings to Aunt Maddie's ears.

But now it's time to celebrate
her life by sharing this

heavenly pie.

Hallelujah.

Brother Al's deep love
for Aunt Maddie's pie

should be an
inspiration to us all.

Well, not to us all.
There's only one pie.

Brother Al used the word
"heavenly" and he is right.

Yes.

He's so right that we
cannot, we should not,

we must not divide this pie.

Hallelujah.

Because only
one is worthy of it.

I think they're gonna
give me this pie.

As brother Al suggests,

this pie should go

to our heavenly Father.

Him? Him? Why him?

He can get a pie
any time he wants to.

No, wait, wait.
Please, don't take it.

You're right.

We can't take it, brother Al.

Only Aunt Maddie
can take it to him.

Yes.

Let's us bow our
heads in prayer.

Yes, let us pray.

Aunt Maddie, excuse me,

but I just know you'd want
me to have this last pie.

So if you could, would
you just give me a sign?

Any sign at all.

Even if the sign is no sign.

Good.

Then the sign is no sign at all.

You know, she was...
She was getting cold.

That no-count Bundy boy
is stealing Aunt Maddie's pie.

Get him.

Well, who knew that
turkeys couldn't fly?

I did.

Me too. Ditto.

Duh.

Jefferson, thanks for
my Thanksgiving turkey.

Well, you really
have to thank Kelly.

I mean, she's the one who threw
him to his neck-snapping death.

I'm so sorry, Hank.

You're talking into his butt.

His head's in the garbage.

You guys are really
being insensitive.

Honey, it was an
accident. Right.

It wasn't your fault.

Hi.

Mr. McGuinty told me you
found my turkey. Where is he?

She k*lled him.

You k*lled Timothy?

I'm sorry.

I-I-I threw him out
the window because...

Because I thought he could fly.

What are you, an idiot?

I raised him from an egg.
We won a 4-H ribbon together.

I'm really sorry.

It's not fair.

I wanted to k*ll him.

I didn't even get to
chop off his head.

Well, it...

Hey, it wasn't much fun.

I mean, he didn't run
around or anything.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Marcy.

I got my pie.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to enjoy it.

Al, we had a
horrible Thanksgiving.

I k*lled my pet turkey.

I forgot to reserve a turkey.

I didn't get to eat turkey.

I saw Ms. Piggy's woo-woo.

I mean... I mean,
we're starving.

Are you kidding me?

Do you know what I had
to go through to get this pie?

Al.

How could you leave without me?

You weren't in the car?

No.

Do you know how hard it
is for a bloody black man

to get a cab on Thanksgiving?

I'm sorry, buddy. Thanks a lot
for running interference for me.

Well, if you really
wanna thank me,

you can just give
me a piece of that pie.

No, no. It's a
Thanksgiving tradition.

No, I never share my pie.

Al, I think Aunt Maddie
would want you to share.

Peg, the only thing I'm sharing

is this Thanksgiving
wish for all of you:

Get out.

Al Bundy.

Down here, boy.

Aunt Maddie?

Al Bundy, what did I always say?

"If you want that cookie,
you gotta pay for it"?

No, the other thing.

"My pies are always
sweeter when you share 'em"?

Right.

Now, you share that pie
with your family and friends.

Don't make me hit
you upside the head.

Come on, Al, it's
Thanksgiving. Share with us.

No.

Oh!

Al Bundy.

Okay.

Anybody wanna share my pie?

Yes. Thank you, Daddy.

Al, I knew you'd come
through. Happy Thanksgiving.

Good boy.

Happy Thanksgiving, Aunt Maddie.

Don't go away.
We'll be right back.

Wow, JB, I can't believe that
you got smoked by Al Bundy.

I mean, my God, the man's a
middle-aged shoe salesman.

Guys, let's check this
out and go to the replay.

Let's do it.

Hey, check out the missed
tackle by Ms. Eunetta.

Now, that's just sloppy.

Now Bundy heads for daylight.

Oh, and who's there to stop him?

That's right. Our own James
"Fold up Like a Blanket" Brown.

Where's the flag? I told you

they should bring
back instant replay.

Man, he ran over you like
a woman in a shoe sale.

I'll tell you what, J.B.
it looked like Al Bundy

wanted it just a
little more than you.

Oh-h-h.

Wait a minute. Who
asked you, four eyes?

Oh!

Is he talking to me? You
want some of me, Harvard?

Whoa. Hey, hold on. Come
on. Let's just get along here...

Stay out of it, baldy.
Stay out of it, baldy.

What are we...?