11x08 - God Help Ye Merry Bundymen

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married... With Children". Aired: April 5, 1987 – June 9, 1997.*
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Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
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11x08 - God Help Ye Merry Bundymen

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪]

Dear Lord,

I know we haven't talked to you

since the 4th of
July blowout sale,

but with three more
shopping days until Christmas

we ask you to protect us

as we stare into the valley
of the shadow of thighs.

Amen. Amen.

Can let go of my
hand now, Griff.

Do I have to?

Sorry.

All right.

Let's unlock and load.

[♪♪♪]

Help me. Easy. Easy. Easy.

Don't take it. No...

[♪♪♪]

Mmmmm.

I love Christmas.
Keep them coming, kids.

Oh, could you pass
down some butter?

Mom. You're not
supposed to eat it.

PEG: Oh, hi, honey.

How was work? Oh, swell, Peg.

You wanna give
me a little hand here?

Say, looks like my size.

Where's the other one?

You don't want to know.

God, I hate Christmas.

Then I guess this wouldn't

be the best time
to ask about a tree.

Now, why would I want something

that just sits in
the living room

and takes up electricity?
I have you for that.

Come on, Daddy. We
want a Christmas tree.

Yeah. Yeah, and I'm not
letting you hang ornaments

on me again this year either.

Do Bundy traditions mean
nothing to you people?

So you got a little
rash from the tinsel.

You were beautiful, son.

[DOORBELL DINGS]

Oh, no.

Merry Christmas, all.

I just made some
Christmas cookies.

Hey, now, give me those.

You ate my sleeve.

[COUGHING]

Button.

Well, I just came by to tell you

that this year, I am
finally going to win

the neighborhood
decorating contest.

What, are you
gonna stand out front

and be the Little Drummer Boy?

No, Stench Who Stole Christmas,

I have imported a hand-carved
nativity scene from Bavaria.

Cost me 5 grand.

Don't you think that money

would be better spent
on a needy family?

You know, like...? Like us?

Just 25 cents a day would
make a world of difference

in this little boy's life.

Forget it. My holy family

is going to kick every
Yuletide ass on the block.

Now, that's some
Christmas spirit.

You know, maybe we ought to
have some traditions around here.

What, Peg, like
Christmas dinner?

Oh, no.

That's been done to death.

You know, I saw a gingerbread
house on Oprah today.

Maybe I ought to
make one of those.

Does she know that
would require baking?

Not to mention standing up.

I'll show you guys.

I'm going in this
kitchen right now

and I'm gonna start baking.

All right.

Now, just tell me which one
of these things is the oven?

Tough day, huh, Griff?

[GRIFF SNORING]

Griff!

Well, it's a shame
the toes don't fit.

Merry Christmas, jingle boobs.

To stop your whining

I've got you some holiday help.

Boys. Al, Griff, meet Hal, Biff.

Do they remind you of anyone?

Hootie and One Blowfish?

Okay, teach them
everything you know.

And when those
five minutes are up,

get this place straightened up.

Let's huddle.

Hey, I said huddle, not cuddle.

I'm sorry. Holidays
are a lonely time for me.

All right. Listen,
we've got two young,

eager boys hanging around us.

You know what that makes us?

Michael Jackson?

No! Management.

And you know what
management does?

Takes long lunches
and leaves early?

Exactly.

We've trained our
whole lives for this.

Mm-mm.

Smells good in here.
Oh, a gingerbread house.

Oh, no, no. That's
not for eating.

This is what you
call decorative.

Oh, that's great.

The first time you
cook something,

and you won't let us eat it.

Hey, Mom, there's
a big cr*ck in it.

Well, yeah. That's
because it's our house.

You see that cotton candy?

That's asbestos.

Hey, that's cool. Can I help?

Well, sure. Why don't
you separate these eggs?

Peggy, oh, my God. Something
horrible has happened.

Mary and Joseph
have been kidnapped

from our nativity scene.

Have you guys seen anything?

No, nothing. No, I
haven't seen anything.

Well, they pinned this
note on the donkey.

"Pay us $500, or it's
drapes for the holy family."

It's curtains.

That's what they
meant. Curtains.

Well, it sounds like
they mean business.

Are you gonna pay?

Well, of course we're gonna pay.

But first we're
gonna call the cops.

No. No cops!

I mean, you don't wanna risk it.

Kidnappers don't like it
when you call the cops.

I'm sure they forgot
to put that in the note.

Bud, Kelly.

Yeah? What?

Will you help us put these
up around the neighborhood?

Here are your burgers, sir.

Ah.

They're still warm.

Well done. Thank you, sir.

I said I wanted them well done.

Damn public school system.

You see, this is exactly
why I don't pay taxes.

So, Bundy, how are
your protégés doing?

Well, they're still
slightly inflamed,

but the new employees
are doing well.

Good. You two are fired.

What? What did we do?

It's what you didn't do.
Will you look at this?

These two kids have done
more work in the last three days

than you've done in 25 years.

Well, I pace myself.

Hal, Biff, you're in
charge now. Oh, okay.

Fine. You want us out of
here? Fine. Let's go, Griff.

There's gotta be
other jobs out there

that pay a lot more than this.

BOTH: ♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells... ♪

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Okay, now, remember, we
don't want them to recognize you.

What, do you think
I'm an idiot, Bud? God.

[RINGING]

Hello?

[DEEP VOICE] If you ever want
to see Mary and Joseph alive again,

drop $500 outside
the ooz at 9:00.

That's the zoo at
6:00, you moron.

That's the zoo at
6:00, you moron.

Okay. We'll do it, but how do
we know you haven't hurt them?

Tell them to put the
statues on the phone.

Good idea. Put
the statues on the...

You idiot.

We're rich, Bud. We're
rich! What? What?

This is gonna be the
best Christmas ever.

Oh, I knew you kids would
get the Christmas spirit.

Hi, Mom. I thought you
finished our gingerbread house.

Well, I did.

But I had so much
fun that I decided

to bake the whole neighborhood.

That... This is incredible.

Hey, look. There's old
man Maginty's house.

You even got the telescope
he uses to watch me shower.

Mom, what are those
two marshmallows

in your bedroom window?

Oh, well, that's Daddy
mooning the D'Arcys.

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells Jingle all the way ♪

Bless you.

You know, I'm tired of
looking out for the cops.

I wanna get down to that mall
employment office. Wanna come?

No, I'm fine. I've got
some money put away.

What kind of job you gonna
find on Christmas Eve?

Whatever kind of job it is,

it can't be any more
humiliating than this.

KIDS: ♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Hey, mister, are you Santa?

Do I look like Santa?

Well, you're fat.

Well, you're walking.

Al, is that you?

Man, you make one ugly hobbit.

I happen to be the elfineer.

At least I got a job.

Well, I got a job.

I thought you had
money put away.

Well, I did, but then I got a
corn dog and a kiddie Coke

and there went my nest egg.

Well, what kind
of job you doing?

I got an executive position

in the overnight-delivery
business.

Hey, Blitzen, get your
tail back over to the sled.

Hi, I'm Prancer.

No kidding.

Come on, Blitzen. It's
time to get into our harness.

What kind of reindeer games
you playing over there, Griff?

One more cr*ck out of you

and I'll kick your
curly-toed butt.

Well, now, Griff,
don't be bitter

just 'cause my job's
better than yours.

[GROANS]

Mister.

I don't feel so good.

Son, son, I'm an
elf, not a doctor.

[VOMITING]

This is all your fault.

What were you doing sticking
the statues out the car window?

Well, what were you doing
driving through a tunnel?

I don't know what
the big deal is, Bud.

You don't know
what the big deal is?

We beheaded Mary and Joseph.

We're going to jail.
We're going to hell.

Now, this is what
we're gonna do, see?

Now, we're sticking
to our story, see?

We don't know nothing
about no holy family, see?

Well, we'll do time.

No one's sending me up
the river on no nativity rap.

See?

[DOORBELL DINGS]

Oh, my God.

Now, keep your yapper shut.

We waited for over
an hour in the snow

and those creeps didn't show.

It's... It's just a contest.
You still have Christmas.

To hell with
Christmas. I wanna win.


You see this money?

This is the closest
those kidnappers

are gonna to get to it.

I'm gonna hunt that scum down

if it takes every
last cent she has.

I'm sure they're
very, very sorry.

No.

They'll be sorry, all right.

Because when we find them,
I'll tear out their fingernails.

Rip their guts out.

And skin them alive.

We did it.

It was us.

It was her!

You're not pinning
this one on me, rat boy.

You stole our statues?

Hey, now, now, now,
calm down, sister.

We still got your
lousy statues. Good.

Because if so much as one
hair is missing from their heads...

They don't have any heads.

[SCREAMING]

I can't believe these
don't come in a lower heel.

Oh, they will. Just
stand up on them.

Hey, look. It's
Santa's village idiot.

What are you doing here?

I have to use the
bathroom, punk.

Don't they have
one on the train?

[IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE]

Oh, sure. You guys think
you're funny, don't you?

Well, let me tell you something.
You're looking at your futures.

I don't think so, elf boy.

This is just a...

Temporary job?

Yeah, because
we're gonna go to...

College?

You got a girlfriend?
I'll bet it's a redhead.

How did you know that?

Lucky guess.

Congratulations,
boys, you've peaked.

You're gonna sl*ve away here

day in, day out,
year in, year out.

Until one day
you'll be close to 50

and you'll be an elf
driving a choo-choo.

[LAUGHS]

[WOMEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, my God. What if he's right?

We gotta get out
of here. Come on.

What?

BOTH: We quit, lady.

What? Wait!

Ladies, please, please.

Bundy, I gotta talk to you.

What? You want to rub it in?

Well, that's fine,
because f*ring me

was the best thing
you could have done,

because I have a better job now,

with more responsibility
and a big hat too.

So you can take your
shoe-store job and shove it,

because I have something
that's even more important:

my self-respect.

You can have your job back.

[SOBBING] Thank you.

Thank you.

Excuse me. We've all
been waiting forever.

But first, a few demands.

Anything. Just get back to work.

All right. I want you to
give Griff his job back.

Although he's a proud
man, he may not take it.

I'll take it!

What else, more money?

Hey, I'm making
the demands here.

I also want...

more money.

And that tree.

Hm.

No more money.

You can have the
tree after Christmas.

No, no!

Before Christmas.

I'm going to put my foot down.

[BELL JINGLES]

You drive a hard
bargain for a Smurf.

He's an elf.

That's ex-elf.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Damn, it's cold.

I'm freezing my
frankincense off.

This is all your
fault, "mistletoad."

Mom, please make her let us go.

No.

What you did was wrong.

You had no intention of sharing
that ransom money with me.

Shh, shh.

Here come the judges.

Merry Christmas, D'Arcys.

I see you've outspent
yourselves as usual.

It is a beautiful
display, though.

So lifelike.

Yes, but Mary looks a bit...

trampy.

Well, I hate to say it,

but I think we
may have a winner.

Yes, I won. I won!

Oh, I bought the
spirit of Christmas.

[LAUGHS]

I think she means she
brought the spirit of Christmas.

Oh, yes, to you lovely people.

Wait a minute.

Look at the Bundys' window.

Is that our neighborhood?

I made it myself
out of gingerbread.

Look, Marge, isn't that your
father with his telescope?

Congratulations, Mrs.
Bundy. Here's your trophy.

And $100.

Oh.

Well, thanks.

You know, I haven't won anything
since I was Miss Teenage w*nk*r.

And you get second
prize. A fruitcake.

Shove the fruitcake, you bitch.

We'll take it.

Yeah, we love
fruitcake. Come on.

MAN [ON TV]: This
special report just in.

Hundreds of people are
flocking to the Dan Ryan tunnel

to see a Christmas miracle.

Witnesses are
saying that the heads

of Joseph and the Virgin Mary

appear to be embedded
in the tunnel wall.

[MARCY SCREAMING]

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Al, you got a tree.

Oh, Daddy, and before Christmas.

Oh, honey, how was your
day? Oh, same old thing, Peg.

Started out in the
shoe store, you know,

ended up in the shoe store.

You know, this is the
best Christmas ever.

We got a tree and I won

the neighborhood
decorating contest.

And I-I still have nine toes.

[CRUNCHING]

Eight.

Merry Christmas.

[♪♪♪]
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