11x14 - Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married... With Children". Aired: April 5, 1987 – June 9, 1997.*
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Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
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11x14 - Breaking Up Is Easy to Do: Part 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Why are we doing this, Peg?

The last time we had a
party, it was a disaster.

It was our wedding.

I rest my case.

Give me one good reason
why I should go through with this.

I won't make you have
sex for the rest of the month.

Deal.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, just my luck. One month
without sex and it's February.

I'm tacking on two
extra days, Peg.

Hi.

I brought shrimp balls.

Well, I can see that,
but what's in the bowl?

I always feel so welcome
when I come into this house.

Gee, I must be doing
something wrong.

Ooh, shrimp balls.

Those will go great with
the ketchup I'm serving.

Oh, I see someone's been
watching Martha Stewart.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, hi, hi. Hey, buddy.

Who's your date, Griff?

This is, um,

"Nancy."

Okay. Who's up for some Passion?

She takes her clothes
off, I'm out of here.

It's a party game, you idiot.

Yeah. It tests how much you know

about the person
you love the most.

Fair enough. I'll take
John Wayne for 20.

[♪♪♪]

Bud, I have been climbing
these stairs for over an hour.

I am not getting any higher.

Kelly, this chick-boxing movie
could be your big break. Okay?

I know. You gotta stay in shape.

Look. Let's run
some lines, all right?

Yeah, okay.

"You're crazy, kid.

No one can b*at
Big Mama O'Grady."

[IN NEW YORK CADENCE] Yo, Nicky,

I know I can take her.

That mother of
two is going down.

"She'll m*rder you.

She's a jungle tigress
and you're just a p*ssy cat."

KELLY & WOMAN: Well, let me
tell you something about this cat.

She has claws. She has claws.

[SCOFFS]

Uh-oh. Skank alert.

That's Heather Talrico.

She's always
going after my parts.

I wish she'd go after mine.

Well, well. If it isn't the
little bimbo that couldn't.

Well, well. If it isn't the
human ThighMaster.

You know what, Bundy?

I'd love to shut that black
hole you call a mouth.

With what? That
planet you call an ass?

Why even bother to
show up for this part, Kelly?

You know I'm gonna get it.

I always get
everything you want.

Your jobs, your boyfriends.

I could even have him.

Hey, you wanna be my brother?

God, yes.

Drop dead, sicko.

Look, Heather.

I am going to get this
role for two reasons.

Number one, I am better
at actressing than you are.

And number two, I can box.

Really? You want a piece of me?

[SCOFFING] There's
an exclusive club.

Okay. Just you
and me in the ring.

Fine. And the loser,
which will be Y-O-Ooh,

won't try out for the part.

You're on, frat-house toy.

Be here Sunday, 4 sharp.

Oh, wait. I can't.

That's when I get my
manicure from Matteo.

Don't you just love him?
Oh, I know. He's so great.

Make it 3, then.

I'm gonna give
you a knuckle salad.

Sandwich.

No, thanks. I'm in training.

Okay, uh, Marcy's favorite song

is "You Light Up My Life."

[GIGGLING]

[LAUGHS]

You light up my life, Jefferson.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, look, love bug.

We're about to go from
First Kiss to Eternal Bliss.

Mwah.

I'm about to go
from "up" to "chuck."

Okay, uh, Griff.

What is Nancy's idea of a
perfect romantic evening?

Of course, we just met,
so I'm just guessing here,

but I'll say pepperoni
pizza, a foot rub,

and a pile of kung-fu movies.

[GIGGLING]

We're getting our butts kicked.

We're still on First Date Drive.

Okay, Jefferson.

What was Marcy's
childhood dream?

Oh.

My princess wanted
to be a princess.

[SQUEALS] [LAUGHS]

Mwah.

I bet Nancy's dream was to
be Mrs. Jimmy "JJ" Walker.

Dy-no-mite!

All right, Al,

now, use that beer
sponge you call a brain.

Well, since "sucking
the life out of my husband

and leaving him an empty
husk" is too long for the card,

I'll say, um, cowgirl.

Try again.

Uh, a cow?

How many times have I told you?

When I was a little girl, I
wanted to be a ballerina.

[CHUCKLING] Ballerina?

Well, you sure
are my nutcracker.

[LAUGHING]

Ooh, Al,

making fun of your soul
mate's childhood dream.

Go back two spaces.

Nice going, Al.

Now we're not even on the board.

All right, buddy.
Let's try an easy one.

When is Peg's birthday?

I know this one because

it's a month that
has a vowel in it.

How long have they been married?

Hey, one question
at a time here.

I'd say M...

March 12th.

April 12th.

Hey, hey, now. For a sh*t
in the dark, that was close.

You know, that's what you
say in the bedroom at night.

It doesn't work there either.

I can't believe you, Al.

How is it that you
know the ninth play

of your championship game...?

Forty-two, blast on two.

And yet you don't
know my favorite movie,

my birthday, or the
color of my eyes.

Well, we should have got
partial credit for bloodshot.

All right, guys.

Guys, we're gonna
give you another chance.

All right. Al.

Where did you and Peggy

first make love?

Yes!

We're back on the board, Peg.

How could anybody
forget that night?

Ooh, it was so hot.

We were out of
control, huh, babe?

I'll never forget
that Ping-Pong table

in your uncle's rumpus room.

My uncle does not
have a Ping-Pong table.

Does he have a rumpus room?

Uh-oh. I think Al's
remembering the wrong rumpus.

It was on a crate
behind the Tastee Freez.

And it was beautiful.

Anyone wanna play Twister?

I just can't believe
that you would forget

the most romantic
night of our lives.

Well, I remember, sweetheart.

And then... And then
we shared a Mr. Softy.

Oh, yeah.

And we've been
sharing one ever since.

[CHUCKLES]

What, Peg?

[BEEPING]

[SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF
THE TIGER" PLAYING]

♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪

BUD: Good. [KISSING SOUNDS]

Come on. Come on.

Good. Mwah.

♪ And the last known survivor
st*lks his prey in the night ♪

Body blow. Go ahead.
Come on. Go ahead.

♪ Through the eye Of the tiger ♪

♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ It's the thrill Of the fight ♪

♪ Rising up to the
challenge Of our rivals ♪

♪ And he's watching
us all Through the eye ♪

Come on, now. Come
on. ♪ Of the tiger ♪

Come on, Bundy.
That's all you got?

You hit like a girl.

Yeah, well, you pee like one.

That was a temporary
medical condition.

BUD: Come on. Hey.

Hey. Hey, pumpkin, don't
box. You can get brain damage.

Oh, yeah, right.

Let me teach you the
famous Bundy combo.

Now, you stomp on
your opponent's foot.

You hit him with an uppercut.

You mean like this?

Ah!

Attagirl.

But next time, put
your weight into it.

Okay. Weight into it.
Bud, quit playing around.

Okay, I think I got
it. I think I got it.

[CRIES OUT] Bingo! Attagirl!

Well, that was fun,
Daddy. Thank you.

What's in the box? Oh,
it's a present for your mom.

We had a big fight.

I'm in the doghouse.

Oh, Daddy, that's terrible.
Where did Lucky sleep?

No, Sugar Ray Tard.

It's a figure of speech.

No, I actually was
in the doghouse.

These Snausages are good too.

See, and look, no tartar.

Peg. Peg.

Peg, I got you something.

Oh, Al.

I hope you like it.

See, it matches the couch.

You actually thought
that this would fit me?

Yes. No.

Well, maybe. Whatever
the right answer is.

Come on, Peg. A guy
doesn't know things like this.

Jefferson knows
Marcy's dress size.

That's because
Jefferson wears them.

Al, you stink.

Peg, I can't help that. It's
because of the Snausages.

What else can I do? I know.
I'll take you to the movies.

The Great Escape
is playing at the Bijou.

No, thank you.

I'd rather be alone.

Gee, for 25 years, I've
dreamed of this moment.

How come I'm not happy?

Just like her to
ruin this for me too.

Doesn't Al understand?

I just wanna spend
more time with him.

Doesn't Peg understand
I just wanna be left alone?

You know, and he's
been less attentive in bed.

Is that possible?

Oh, Marcy, what should I do?

Leave him.

I'm sorry, I was thinking
about what I would do.

Or any sane woman.

Uh, listen, have you thought
about seeing someone?

Well, I have had my
eye on the UPS guy.

No. I mean you and Al should
see a marriage counselor.

Yeah, but then wouldn't I have
to tell him about the UPS guy?

Trust me. Going to
counseling will open Al up.

Trust me. Going to
counseling will shut Peg up.


Come on, Jefferson,
let's go home

and leave these
two alone to talk,

or grunt, whichever
the case may be.

Oh, thank God we have
a normal marriage, huh?

Let's go home and play
Fullback and the Tramp.

I'll meet you behind
the Tastee Freez.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Sorry.

Where do they come
up with this sick stuff?

Al, we need to talk.

[GROANS]

Honey, I wanna go to
a marriage counselor.

So go.

Al! Now... Now...!

Why won't you go to therapy?

Maybe it's you
who don't know me.

Because if you knew me, Peg

you'd know that there are
certain things I do not do.

I do not floss.

I do not eat vegetables.

I do not like French pastry.
I do not like the French.

I do not cry at movies.

Except, of course, Old Yeller,

because we know it was very sad.

But most importantly, Peg,

I will never, ever,
under any circumstances

go to a head shrinker.

But, Al... You go, Peg.

There is no thr*at
vicious enough,

no t*rture terrible enough

to ever make me change my mind.

[DIALING]

Hello, Mom?

Al's being mean to me again.

Could you come
stay for a few months?

[WHIMPERING] No, Peg.

Peg, no, Peg.

[CRYING]

I'll go. I'll go.

Okay. She's all yours, Kelly.

And hopefully, after you
b*at her brains to mush,

she's all mine.

Float like a horsefly,
sting like a flea.

No one can touch me, I'm Kelly.

[BELL DINGS]

That movie role is mine.

You're going down, street meat.

Let's rock.

Oh, hey, you. Oh, hey!

BUD: Watch it, Kel.

[GRUNTING]

Kelly, duck!

Hey, nobody hits my brother.

At least, not without
dating him first.

You know, you fight
as bad as you act.

Yeah, well, you fight as
bad as Brooke Shields acts.

That's it, Bundy.
I'm taking you out.

No, thanks. I
already have plans.

KELLY: Come on.
Come on. Come on.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF
THE TIGER" PLAYING]

One, two.

[BELL RINGING]

[BUD LAUGHING]

The winner and star
of Catfight: The Movie,

the Blond Bomber, Kelly Bundy!

[ALL CHEERING]

I'm gonna be a movie star. Yes.

I can't wait to see my
face on the big screen.

I can tell right away this
counselor's an idiot, Peg.

Why couldn't we have
gone to that guy I saw on TV?

Al, I am not going
to a drive-through

marriage counselor.

Dr. Back-in-the-Sack
looked quite nurturing, Peg.

And they wash your
car after every session.

Hi. You must be the Bundys.

I'm Dr. Longo.

Please, won't you sit down?

[SIGHS]

So how are you today?

Those trick questions
won't work on me, doc.

You can probe around
in my head all you want.

You ain't gonna
find anything in there.

I believe you.

But the whole point of therapy
is to discuss our problems.

Oh, no, we're not
gonna talk about me.

Well, I'm not the
one with a problem.

Okay, uh, well, then we
could talk about my problems,

but, uh, I don't
think a discussion

of my vinyl fetish
will help any of us.

Although I might enjoy it.

Okay. I'll talk.

Uh, you know, I'm
not one to cast blame,

but this really
is all Al's fault.

He just doesn't pay any
attention to me anymore.

Isn't that true, Al?

Al?

Hm?

Mr. Bundy, I sense a
reluctance to communicate here.

Well, that's gonna make
your job just a little bit tougher,

isn't it, vinyl boy?

Go ahead.

Make me talk.

Well, we have heard Mrs. Bundy

complain that you
don't pay attention.

So, Mr. Bundy... Mr. Bundy?

Can I have my balls back?

Welcome to my world, doc.

So, uh, other than the obvious,

what would be your main
complaint about your wife?

No, I don't have any
complaints about Peg.

Well, maybe just
one tiny, little thing.

Oh, great. Now we're
gonna hear about how

if he hadn't gotten married,

he would have been
a pro football player.

Well, that's true. I
should be retired right now

selling my autograph on QVC

and addicted to the finest
painkillers money can buy.

I gave up a lot too, you know.

I know, down at the docks.

I am referring to the fact
that I could have been married

to Vito Leonetti and been
a successful Mafia wife.

[LAUGHING] I
don't think so, Peg.

Mafia wives have to cook.

What, do you think the
heads of the Five Families

are gonna be sitting around
tasting your tuna surprise?

They don't like surprises, Peg.

You know, I'm wearing
a vinyl surprise right now

and it feels great.

You happy now, Peg?

We just wasted 15 bucks.

That's half a day's wage
to listen to this nut job

talk about his plastic pants.

Excuse me. They're vinyl.

Shut up. Shut up.

Another good choice, Peg.

I don't know why I
even put up with you.

Well, if I'm so
difficult to put up with,

why don't you just leave?

Well, maybe I will.

So go.

Walk out that door.

Turn around now, you're
not welcome anymore.

I will survive.

This is great.

It sure is. I'm moving out, Peg.

And much like that empty
promise to shave those shoulders,

I'll believe it when I see it.

You'll be wishing you had these
shaggy shoulders to cry on, Peg.

Uh, same time next week?

We just broke up.

[♪♪♪]
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