11x17 - Live Nude Peg

[bunniefuu]

[MEN WHOOPING, CHEERING]

Everybody limbo.

How low can you go?

[LAUGHS]

Ha-ha!

I made it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I didn't. Ha-ha-ha!

Lower the bar, boys.
I'm playing to lose.

Stop the music.

I have good news, No Ma'amers.

This Tuesday will
be amateur night

at the Jiggly Room.

Cool. Kind of like
open pole night.

[LAUGHS]

A Hooter coming-out party.

[MEN LAUGH]

Hey, Iqbal, that's just one of
your schemes to make money.

Remember the time he tried
to make us pay a cover charge?

Then an "uncover" charge?

Too bad you're
such Negative Neds.

I was just going to ask if
you'd judge the contest.

Hey. Yeah.

You know, Iqbal, for a guy
with an 18-drink minimum,

you're all right.

Raise the bimbo,
it's time to limbo!

[CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING OVER
PA, MEN LAUGHING AND WHOOPING]

[♪♪♪]

Forget it, Bud.

There is no way that I am
going to be the "before" girl

for a diet ad.

You'll look great
in the "after" sh*ts.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is that I have to
gain 30 pounds in one week.

I mean, that's... That's
like a pound a day.

It's not possible.

Yes, it is, Kelly.

Grandma w*nk*r gains that
much every time we go to Sizzler.

Well, if the camera
adds 10 pounds,

why can't they just
use three cameras?

Kelly, listen. What?

Lots of famous actors gain
weight for their parts, okay?

Robert De Niro, Tom Hanks.

And you know, uh, Free Willy?

He used to be Flipper.

Really?

Huh. He sure let himself go.

[HUMMING]

Hi.

Oh, pork rinds.

These will put your
father in a romantic mood.

Ew.

Come on, Kelly,
let's get out of here.

I don't want you to
lose your appetite. Oh!

Hi, Peggy.

Here are the CDs you wanted.

I recommend Kenny G.

It really hits the spot, if
you know what I mean.

[LAUGHS]

Well, that's good,
'cause Al never does.

Well, Al.

Who knew you could
look almost human?

There's a lot of things
you don't know, Marcy.

Like how to satisfy a man
without leaving the room.

Oh, Al, I can't believe
you got all dressed up.

Well, sure, Peg. I'm going to
be a judge at the Jiggly Room.

Future Hooters of
America are in my hands.

Well, I thought we agreed
to have a romantic evening.

Well, sure we did, Peg.

But I don't remember the
word "together" mentioned.

Al, I want to have sex.

That's what I'm
talking about. Sex.

But, Peg, in the state
of Illinois, that's illegal.

No, it's not. We're married.

But you still need
two consenting adults.

I'm going to make a great judge.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Peggy, I can't believe
you let Al treat you this way.

And where's Jefferson tonight?

Well, he's judging too.

But I had him meet
me in chambers first.

Oh, gosh. I just feel so lonely.

It's been so long since
someone touched me.

Poor Peggy. I'm so sorry.

You know, Marcy,

that boyish cut
really becomes you.

Well, Peggy, there must be
something you can do. With Al.

Oh, he doesn't care about me.

All he cares about are
those stupid strippers

down at the Jiggly Room.

That's because they're
anonymous objects.

Men like mystery.

They like fantasy.

They like hiney-shaking
hussies with more plastic in them

than a Coca-Cola bottling plant.

Wives just can't
compete. I know.

Husbands like to see us as
maids and dishwashers and...

What do you call
those people who cook?

Cooks? Yeah, them.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get out of
these frumpy clothes,

go down to that Jiggly Room

and prove to Al that
I am just as trampy

as any of those strippers.

Even trampier.

But wait. Won't
Al recognize you?

I'll wear a veil.

Imagine, me as a stripper. Hm.

Well, I guess my guidance
counselor was right after all.

Gentlemen, minors, lady golfers,

welcome to Hooter Search '97.

MAN 1: Yes!

[MEN WHOOPING AND CHEERING]

MAN 2: All right!
I'm your host, Iqbal.

And now a man

whose selfless
devotion to nudity

is an inspiration to us all.

Al Bundy.

Thank you.

Tonight's contestants will
be judged by two categories:

the left one and the right one.

[MEN LAUGH]

And, uh, in the event of a
tie, the winner will be decided

by peanut butter wrestling.

Oh, there will be a tie,

and Griff's got the Jif.

[MEN LAUGH]

The votes will be tabulated
by Ike and Bob Rooney

from the accounting
firm Ike and Bob Rooney.

Please take your
hands out of your pants

for Chesty LaRue.

[MEN WHOOP AND CHEER,
SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER PA]

Don't worry, men, I
haven't lost a step.

I'm as sexy as I was when
I entertained the troops.

Oops.

Union or Confederate?

Oh, Lord, I think I'm blind.

Well, you're one
of the lucky ones.

I used to do this
number for FDR.

He invented the
lap dance, you know.

Oh, the humanity.

[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING OVER PA]

[MEN WHOOP AND CHEER]

Who would have ever
thought of putting taps there?

I think we have a winner.

Chesty.

Wait just a
curry-picking minute.

We have a late entry.

The Belle of Beirut, Jasmine.

[MIDDLE EASTERN
MUSIC PLAYING OVER PA]

Where have you been all my life?

She is one gorgeous stripper.

She's not a stripper.

She's an angel who slid down
from heaven on a brass pole.

[MEN APPLAUDING AND WHISTLING]

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.

I'm not ashamed to admit
that it's my personal favorite.

Jasmine.

[MEN APPLAUD AND WHOOP]

I want to show you something.

And I want to see it.

But I... I need to
get home to my wife.

Damn.

You only gained four pounds.

All right. Hurry
up and finish this.

I'll go get the pork chops
out of the Fry Daddy.

Come on. Come on, Bud.

I have been eating
non-stop for three hours.

I'm stuffed.

Kelly, if you
wanna be an artist,

you have to suffer
for your craft.

Which reminds
me. It's cheese time.

No, it's not cheese time.

No, it's not. It's cheese time.

Eat. Hi, kids.

Bye, kids.

Okay. Now that we're
done with the cheese course,

let's have some dessert.

Mmm. Oh, okay.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, my God.

This is the worst vanilla
ice cream I've ever had.

That's, uh... That's
not ice cream.

It's... Crisco.

No, Kelly. Don't run.
You're burning calories.

Hi, Bud. Bye, Bud.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, hi, Al.

No talking. Turned
on. Need you. Now.

[LAUGHING]

PEG: That was the
best night since...

ever.

AL: There's plenty more
where that came from, babe.

[SNORING]

Peg.

Oh, Peggy, I am so proud
of you. You should be.

I raked in $240
in tips last night.

[CHUCKLES]

Not to mention a watch.

Someone put a watch
down your G-string?

That's appalling.

Actually, it's a Timex.

Anyway, I meant you have
struck a blow for wives everywhere.

Now, tell me. What did Al say

when you showed
him you were Jasmine?

Actually, I didn't.

What? Well, I was going to.

But then he just jumped on
me like a human Weenie Tot.

[LAUGHS]

It was so romantic.

Peggy, now you're not any
better than those cheap strippers.

Well, yes, I am.

I won that contest.

No. I mean you have set the
women's movement back 50 years.

Who cares?

Last night this woman's
movement was fantastic.

Peggy, last night Al was
not making love with you.

In his head, he was
making love with some slut.

That's what he always does.

But, you see, this
time the slut was me.

And that makes me feel
very good about myself.

So now you're going
to be a stripper?

Actually, we call
it exotic dancing.

It's an art form.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have to go upstairs and
dye my boobs for Easter.

Peg. Turned on again.

Need you. Now.

Come out, come
out, wherever you are.

Daddy's home
from the nudie bar...

Oh, hi, Al.

Peg, where have you been?

Well, I... I was just
over at Marcy's,

uh, borrowing a raincoat.

No talking now, Peg.
Clothes off. Oh, no, no, no,

Don't you want to
brush your teeth first?

Before sex?

Just for me.

Oh, all right, Peg.

Hey, Peg?

I can't find my toothbrush.

Well, just gargle.

All right.

[WATER RUNNING]

[GARGLING]

[YELLS, SPITS]

Peg, that blue
stuff tastes awful.

Honey, the red stuff is gargle.

The blue stuff is Tidy Bowl.

PEG: Oh, no. My veil.

AL: Oh, no. Jasmine's veil.

It must have dropped
out of my pocket.

I better distract him.

I better distract her.

BOTH: I know. I'll
turn the lights off.

Good idea.

Oh, Al.

Oh, Peg.

Oh, Al.

Oh, Jasmine.

What?

Oh, God. I called her
Jasmine. She's going to k*ll me.

I better do that
thing she likes.

He called me Jasmine.

I'm gonna k*ll him.

Ooh.

He's doing that thing I like.

You mean Al actually called
out Jasmine's name in bed?

Can you believe it?

This is really not turning
out the way I'd hoped it would.

Gee, who'd have thought
tricking your husband

into falling in
love with a stripper

would be bad for your marriage?

You think Al's falling
in love with her?

Yup. Better watch out or
they might run away together.

Over my dead body.

Oh, my God.

That bitch Jasmine
is ruining my marriage.

Peggy, that bitch is you.

Well, I know that.

I've created a monster.

Although, she does
make 300 bucks a night.

So are you gonna stop stripping?

I can't just stop stripping.

If Jasmine just disappears,

Al will never get
her out of his head.

No, I've got to destroy
the mystique of Jasmine.

Plus, one more night of this,

I can buy this really
cute pair of boots.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Bud, I am going to k*ll you

and then I'm going
to bury you alive.

Kelly, it's not my
fault they fired you.

How was I supposed to know
you wouldn't gain weight evenly?

Well, if you would
have let me stand up

it wouldn't have
all gone to my butt!

Your butt's not that big.

It is so.

I went to the grocery
store, and I turned around.

And I knocked over the
entire Pringles pyramid.

My career is over.

I wish I was dead.

So does that squirrel
you sat on at the park.

I didn't see him.

You were fighting him for nuts.

Well, my blood sugar
was low. I almost fainted.

That would've been
disastrous for those toddlers

who tried to hide under
you for shade. Hee-hee!

They were so mean.

They called me a Weeble.

Kelly, I hate to be critical.

But if you'd cut
out the snacking,

you might feel
better about yourself.

You are so dead.

[SHOUTING] [LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] Come on.

You can't even get
up. [GRUNTING]

Kelly. Kelly. Kelly.
I'm out of breath.

Look, there's someone
chasing you too.

Oh. Oh, that's just your ass.

[LAUGHING]

Aw, cheer up, Kel.

Now, you people are
supposed to be jolly.

Ungh!

Help! Help!

You know, I think
you still got the moves.

Too bad some of
them are involuntary.

Hey, cutie.

Once you go grey,
you'll never stray.

Al, where did you
get all that money?

From Peg's dresser.

Suddenly she's got all kinds
of spare cash lying around.

MAN 1: Oh, boy. [MIDDLE
EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

[MEN CHEERING AND
WHOOPING] MAN 2: Oh, yeah.

Here she comes,
like a beautiful mirage.

I bet you'd like to take a
ride on her magic carpet.

I think Jasmine has a
little crush on Aladdin here.

[CHUCKLES]

Shut up, both of you.
You're being very immature.

Ooh. Ooh.

I think I just saw
her bellybutton.

You know, Al, you
two make a cute couple.

No, no, she's out of my league.

And the worst part is she
probably lives with some loser

who doesn't appreciate her.

I'll tell you. If I had
a woman like that,

I would never leave home.

[MEN WHOOPING]

MAN 3: You're moving now.
MAN 4: Go, baby. Go, baby.

You know, you're much
prettier than the cartoon Jasmine.

[LAUGHS]

Mmph.

PEG: Don't look.

You'll see it all very soon.

Can you see it all, boys?

BOTH: Oh, yeah.

[GIGGLES]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I don't wanna tell you
that I don't enjoy that a lot,

but I think you ought to
know that I'm a married man.

Well, I don't care.

Neither do I.

[CHOKING]

You know, Jasmine,
I'd like to tell you

that I want you to tie up
the rest of my body and all,

but I really gotta
go see my wife now.

What do you want
to see me about, Al?

[SCREAMS]

What did you do with Jasmine?

I didn't do anything with her.

You k*lled her, didn't you, Peg?

Because you couldn't
stand to see me happy.

I am Jasmine, you idiot.

You can't be Jasmine.

Jasmine's a beautiful,
alluring woman.

While you're...
You're just a wife.

That's right, Al.

And now your wife
and your fantasy

are one and the same.

So now every time you have
sex, you'll think about me.

[SOBS] No!

Hey, Al.

You want to fool
around? Oh, all right, Peg.

Ungh. Could you get the veil?

Oh, sure, honey.

[♪♪♪]