11x18 - A Babe in Toyland

[bunniefuu]

You know, Al,

I think I wanna get
a TV in the bedroom.

Hm-hm-hm. Good idea, Peg.

Then we'll install a
fridge in the nightstand

and you won't need legs at all.

You know, if body parts fell
off because of lack of use,

you'd be a Ken doll.

Kelly.

I don't know what
you're so upset about.

It was a perfectly good role.

Oh, yeah. The kind you
can really sink your teeth into.

You gotta be willing
to pay your dues.

I am, but I can't be a
cheese hostess forever, Bud.

Of course you can't. You
have an expiration date.

[ALL LAUGH]

[SOBS]

Look at me.

My career's a joke. Yeah.

Come on, help
me out of this thing.

All right, pumpkin,
we'll help you.

Oh, it's okay, we love you.

Mm-mm.

We'd like you
more with crackers.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You know, Bud, next
time she gets a job like this

maybe it could be
as a bonbon girl.

There won't be a next time,

because another
agent has called me

from the Almost Artists Agency.

Now, that would be
a big mistake, Kel.

They'll just treat you
like a piece of meat.

Hear that, Peg?
We're gonna get meat.

Fine. Then you have one
week to get me a decent job.

And that means nothing edible.

Aw, Kel, what's the big deal?

I mean, you've been playing
a vegetable all your life.

Oh, now, young lady, young
lady. We're not finished with you yet.

Yeah, honey. What
are you...? Stop.

Now, go stand someplace cold.

I may want a
sandwich after a while.

[♪♪♪]

Mm. Al, you been working out?

Oh.

Al, I'm lonely.

Wait a minute,
Peg. Wait a minute.

[BANGING ON DOOR] KELLY: Get up!

Wake up, wake up, wake up!

I just got a big
part on a TV show.

Oh, hey.

Honey, that's great, but
it's midnight, you know,

and your father and
I want our privacy.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Peg.
The kids are trying to share.

You can't just phone
that parent stuff in.

Listen, Kelly's filling in for
the Princess of Puppet Land

on Uncle Dudley's Playpen.

Hey.

Oh, Kelly, that was
your favorite show.

You know, when you were little,

I used to put you
in front of that TV,

and Uncle Dudley would entertain
you when I went out shopping,

or... Or to the movies, or
went away for the weekend.

KELLY: Yeah.

He was my favorite babysitter.

He never told when I used
to put worms in Bud's ears.

What?

My pumpkin is becoming
a princess. Ha-ha.

Gee, if I could only trade my
cow for some magic beans.

Al, the last thing
you need are beans.

Come on, Bud, let's go. What?

So listen. If Kelly's gonna
be on Uncle Dudley's Playpen,

I definitely need a
TV in the bedroom.

But, Peg, that show
comes on at 10 a.m.

You mean you can't you
drag your butt to the living room

before that? I know it's
a tough commute, Peg.

Al.

You're gonna start nagging
about this, aren't you?

I do not nag!

All right, Peg, all right.

You can have a
TV in the bedroom.

I mean, that thing I can mute.

But I'm gonna want
something myself, Peg.

Mm. Sure, tiger. Surprise me.

Okay, everybody,
we're back in five,

four, three, two, one.

Okay, kids. Ready for
our Manners Minute.

Excuse me.

What for, Fredrick?

[BURPS]

For that.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You know, that little Fredrick

is almost as talented
as Uncle Dudley.

Yeah, yeah. He's good
enough to go out on his own.

Oh, yeah.

And we'll be right back.

Come on. I'll introduce
you to Uncle Dudley.

Kelly? Please, please
don't embarrass me.

Bud, I know how
to behave on a set.

Nice to meet you. Oh, my God!

I can't believe it's really you!

You look just like
yourself, only older.

I've been watching you for
years. I love you so much.

MAN: And we're
back in five, four.

Welcome back, kids.

Now, we all remember
that Princess Babs

is away having elective surgery.

So let's give a
great, big happy hello

to substitute, Princess Kelly.

CHILDREN: Yay!

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

Uh, hi, goys and birls.

[LAUGHS]

That's a good
one, Krincess Pelly.

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

Thanks, Duncle Udley.

[LAUGHS]

That's the joke,
don't wear it out.

Oh.

Today's Puppet Land story

is "Curious George
Converts to Judaism."

"Curious George
was crossing Delancey

"when the wind
blew off his yarmulke

into the gutter."

Did it land next to
Uncle Dudley's career?

Shut up, you dummy.

Make me, tubbo.

Why, you rotten
piece of driftwood.

Oh, you talentless burnout.

[SCREAMS]

[ALL CRYING]

[CACKLING]

Uh...

Uh, okay.

Kids. Kids. Kids?

Now... Now, Uncle
Dudley a-and Fredrick,

they're really best friends,

and sometimes friends
say things to each other

that they don't mean and...

And they... They
lose their heads.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Uh, no, no.

[AS FREDRICK] I'm
fine, kids. Just a scratch.

[ALL CHEERING]

Where's Uncle Dudley?

Well, he's gone to rest

in the, uh... The
Sleepytime Kingdom.

It's a big castle
with soft walls,

and, uh, magic potions

that are gonna make
him feel all better, okay?

So say goodbye, Fredrick.

[AS FREDRICK] Goodbye, Fredrick.

[CHEERING]

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: Clear.

Kelly, you were brilliant.

I was? Yeah, she was?

I mean, she was.

That's why Kelly Bundy
should host the show

until Uncle Dudley recovers.

Great idea. You're hired. I am?

Oh, my God! Oh, my
God! Bud, I'm a star!

You're a star. You're a
star. I'm a star. I'm a star!

Ah!

Good night, pookie.

Al, I don't like these
twin beds. It's unnatural.

Anything involving you
and a bed is unnatural, Peg.

Just put on your snore
strap and go to sleep.

Al Bundy, you're
gonna pay for this.

Peg, we made a deal.

You have your TV, which
will help you get to sleep,

and I don't have you, which
will help me get to sleep.

Nighty-night.

Uh.

[SNORING]

Peg, wake up.

Peg, wake...

This ought to jump-start her.

MAN [ON TV]:
Attention, home shoppers.

Call now for this fabulous
Fabio shower massager.

Oh.

You know, Al,

this kind of reminds me of
how we were in high school

and you used to sneak
into my room late at night.

I never snuck in your
room in high school.

I think Kelly's show is on.

[CHILDREN CHEERING ON TV]

Oh, Bobby Beaver.

Won't you ever learn?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, you know, she is
really good with kids.

She got that from me, you know.

Oh, yeah, right, Peg.

After this commercial,

she's gonna feed 'em
diet pills for breakfast.

You know, those diet pills

saved us a fortune
in school lunches.

Kids, did you know
that Princess Kelly

has a little brother?

Well, he's here with us today.

Boys and girls, I'd like
you to meet Budrick.

[IN HIGH VOICE]
Hi, kids, I'm Budrick.

Isn't that sweet of Kelly?

She has Bud on the show.

Seems a little stiff
though, huh, Peg?

Well, you... You know,
Kelly is the talented one.

Budrick is the saddest
little boy in Puppet Land.

None of the girl puppets
will play with him, so...

he has to play with himself.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So remember, kids,

don't be a Budrick,
be a Goodrick.

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: Clear.

[BUD LAUGHING]

Ahem. Uh, Kelly, don't you
think you should've cleared

the Budrick puppet
with me first?

Bud, I am the star of the show.

I don't have to clear
anything with anybody.

Kelly, why did you cut
my giant cupcake sketch?

I don't know, I thought
it was kind of childish.

I am a child.

Do you believe that?

[SCOFFS]

That beaver is such a diva.

Kelly, you can't just go
cutting out the other characters.

You're gonna ruin the show.

You saved the show.

The ratings are holding
steady ages two to 11,

and they're through the
roof with men 18 to 99.

Whatever you want, you got it.

Did you hear that,
Bud? Anything I want.

Oh, which reminds me.

I was kind of thinking about
changing the title of the show.

How about Princess
Kelly's Castle?

Mm. Where the
drawbridge never closes.

Watch it, Bud. I don't need
to take that from my assistant.

I'm your agent.

If you need a new agent,
I can make some calls.

Hm.

Find out who represents
the 101 Dalmatians.

I mean, they're...
They're everywhere.

Oh, it's... It's the
same old story, huh?

I make you a star, and suddenly
you start treating me like dirt.

That's not true. I've
always treated you like dirt.

You won't get away with it.
We have a signed contract.

You can't prove
that that's my "X."

Security. What?

Wait a second. Hey, now. Hey...

Uh, excuse me.

Who put Captain
Bananas in a pink tutu?

Think, people. He's a male.

He needs a blue tutu.

What, am I working alone
here? Come on, let's go.

You shouldn't have
slept on top of me, Peg.

My spine is cracking
like a plumber's ass.

Don't be silly, Al.

You don't have a spine.

[CHUCKLES]

Your daughter is a
rotten, ungrateful witch.

No, that's your mother, Bud.

Your sister is a princess,
and don't you forget it.

She fired me.

Honey, that's because
Kelly is a star now,

and you don't represent
stars. You represent cheese.

Dad, Kelly humiliated me
on the air with that puppet.

[CHUCKLING] Yes, I know.

And that was wrong, son,

but it's only a puppet.

The whole thing is
probably forgotten by now.

Yeah. They were selling
these on the way home.

Is that an extra large?

All right, son.

So you tried your best
and you failed miserably.

You're a Bundy.

But I fully expect
you to kick this curse.

I have faith in you.

You're right, Dad.

I'm not gonna end up some
middle-aged shoe salesman

making minimum wage. Okay, Bud.

Slaving away 20 years,
never getting a promotion.

All right, Bud.

No respect, no raises,
no reason to live,

no hair.

This father-son talk is over.

Yeah, it's a good talk, Dad.

I'm gonna go out,

and I'm gonna sign the
biggest star I can find.

Good luck,

Budrick.

What do you wanna
represent me for? I'm a failure.

A failure?

Aren't you the same guy who
taught every kid in Chicago

how to make a hat
out of a milk carton?

You saw that?

Why, sure. I mean, you know,

we didn't have milk so I
used a cigarette carton,

but it was still fun.

No, no, no. No,
I-I can't go back.

I-I frightened all the children,
and they can never forgive me.

That's not true.

As Freddy Frog always
says, "Frog-give and frog-get."

Ha-ha. How's Freddy
doing, anyway?

Princess Kelly fired him.

Oh, my God.

How will he support
Frieda and the tadpoles?

You see? You have to go
back and save Puppet Land.

You're right.

But what about that
nice Princess Kelly?

She's about to
get a royal flush.

You know, Al,

when I said I wanted
you on top of me,

this is not what I had in mind.

You're never
satisfied, are you, Peg?

Oh, yeah, I'm
satisfied sometimes.

You're just never
around to see it.

You know, Peg, these
bunk beds are comfy.

That's nice, honey.

Let me rock you to sleep.

[GRUNTS]

You know, you were right, Al.

Bunk beds are fun.

What are you, a fool?

Well, yeah.

I said I wanted
only purple M&M's.

Purple, royal.

But they don't make
purple M&M's, Kelly.

Kelly?

Your Highness. Thank you.

You know, Uncle Dudley
was always nice to the fools.

I am nice.

[WITH NEW YORK ACCENT] If I
was a prince, I'd be a perfectionist,

but because I'm a
princess, I'm a bitch.

MAN: We're back
in five, four, three.

[PLAYING HARD ROCK MUSIC RIFF]

Whoo.

Welcome back to
Princess Kelly's Castle.

Oh, look, I think it's time for
the royal milk and cookies.

Here comes our old
friend, Bobby Beaver.

Mm.

Yummy.

Whoo!

[CHEERING]

DUDLEY: Hi, Princess Kelly.

Fredrick, what are
you doing here?

I invited him.

ALL: Yay!

Excuse me, Uncle Doodey,

but I'm trying to do my show.

That's Uncle Dudley,
and it's our show.

But we'd love to
share it with you.

ALL: Yay! Uh,

kids, sharing is for losers.

This is my show now.

ALL: Boo!

Hey, what are
you doing that for?

What are you booing me for?

He's the one who just
went to the funny farm.

Princess Kelly,
that wasn't very nice.

I am too nice, you [BLEEP]

There was nothing
happy about that thought.

Hey, what are you...? Why
are you taking me away?

He's crazy. I'm not crazy.

Come on, Freddy, let's get her.

Stop biting me!

See you tomorrow,
boys and girls.

[PLAYING HARD ROCK MUSIC RIFF]

MAN: And we're out.

Uncle Dudley, thank
God you're back.

Starting tomorrow,
everything's back the way it was.

Not so fast.

My client is entertaining
several offers,

and we'll get back to you.

Wait, wait, whatever
they're paying, we'll double.

That sounds like
a happy thought.

And here's another one:

Budrick, you're fired.

ANNOUNCER: Don't go
away, we'll be right back.

Is it time for my
pain medicine yet?

Quiet, Al, I'm trying
to watch Uncle Dudley.

[UPBEAT PIANO
MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

DUDLEY: Thanks, kids.
It's great being back.

And I owe it all to Bud Bundy,

the best agent in Chicago.

I can't believe they picked
Uncle Doodey over me.

Well, in Uncle Dudley's defense,

they can pay him in cheap gin.

Darn you, Bud. You
ruined my career.

Oh, now, now, young lady.

Bud represents stars.

You're just an expired cheese.

AL: Yeah, someday
the girl will get married,

the boy will move out.

Peg won't be able to
make it up the stairs

if I loosen a few floorboards.

And I'll have my
bed all to myself.

Someday, I'll be that lucky.

[GROWLS]

[♪♪♪]