First position. Second position.
Third position.
Fourth position, open.
Fourth position, closed.
Very good, d*ck.
You'll be doing multiple
double tours in no time.
Gosh, Bruce, kids don't ballet dance.
I mean, I feel ridiculous in these tights.
The discipline of ballet promotes
balance, flexibility and strength,
all useful things in our
never-ending fight against crime.
Gee willikers,
I never thought of it that way.
Now, that's enough practice for one night.
Gotham Palace is on,
and even crime fighters need
mindless entertainment sometimes.
Gosh, yes! It's my favorite show.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to everyone's
favorite variety show,
the Gotham Palace.
And here's your host, that international
starlet of stage and screen,
Miranda Monroe.
Thank you. (CHUCKLES) Thank you.
On tonight's show, we have
those singing sensations,
the mop tops with the mostest,
Hector and the Ho Daddies.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
(CROWD GROANING)
(GASPS)
(ALL GASP)
Those aren't the Ho Daddies.
No, it's that mocking mountebank
of malice, the Joker.
Oh, sorry, kitties,
but the Ho Daddies have decided
to play a smaller venue,
the broom closet backstage.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Bruce, look!
It's that black-hearted bearer
of a billion bumbershoots, the Penguin.
Careful, you pre-pubescent pipsqueaks,
or I'll give you a taste
of my Penguin umbrella.
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
And the prince of perverted
puzzles, the Riddler.
Riddle me this. What kind
of band doesn't play music?
Answer. A band of thieves.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
And of course,
that dominatrix of deviltry...
Catwoman needs no introduction.
Holy unholy alliance.
Our greatest foes have reunited.
Quick, g*ng, we have to hold
these creepy crooks for the cops.
(ALL GASP)
(SIREN WAILING)
I do love a c*ptive audience,
but we must be going.
Let us away, let us away.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
(MUFFLED EXCLAIMING)
(WHIMPERING)
It's the Bat-Signal, sir.
Yes, Alfred, no doubt the Commissioner
is already calling.
Oh! (CHUCKLING) Mercy alive.
Why, you'd think you were Batman
and Robin, rushing out like that.
We were just going fishing, Aunt Harriet.
(CHUCKLES) At this hour? Land's sake!
You two sure do fish a lot.
We find it's a great way to relax
from the pressures of being a millionaire
playboy and his teenage ward.
Indeed. Now, if you'll
excuse us, Aunt Harriet.
Can you believe the lengths
those two go to keep their little secret?
- Secret, ma'am?
- Why, Alfred!
You really don't see it?
No, I do not.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe
the upstairs doorknobs need polishing.
Good day, madam.
(PHONE BEEPING)
No need to explain, Commissioner.
We saw the whole sordid affair.
Those criminals
will be brought to justice,
or I'll know the reason why.
We're on our way.
Hurry, Caped Crusader.
Whoever you may be
under that cowl of yours,
you paladin of virtue,
you're our only hope.
To the Batcave.
(CONTROLS BEEPING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
"Poor people have it, rich people
need it, if you eat it, you die."
- What is it?
- Nothing.
I can't come up
with anything either, Batman.
No, Chief, the answer is "nothing."
How can "nothing" be a clue,
when it's not even a thing?
In this case, "nothing"
is certainly something.
- Robin?
- Let's see...
Zero. Zilch. Goose egg.
Precisely.
Farmer Jones delivered a shipment
of his prizewinning goose eggs
to the local market just last week.
They're after eggs?
It's not what was delivered,
Commissioner, rather when.
Last Tuesday, which was also
the night of the total lunar eclipse.
You see, it's really quite simple.
The Atomic Energy Laboratory, headed
by our old friend, Professor Nichols,
just opened a new wing dedicated
to the science of total lunar eclipses.
And I'll bet my cowl
the laboratory is where
those felonious fiends
are going to strike next.
Of course, how could I not see it myself?
Come on, Robin,
there's a bad moon on the rise.
To the Batmobile!
What would we do
without him, Commissioner?
I shudder to even consider it, O'Hara.
Not so fast, old chum.
But we're in a hurry, Batman.
Jaywalking is extremely hazardous,
especially at night.
As duly deputized officers of the law,
it is imperative we follow the rules.
Gosh, yes, you're right, Batman.
No one's above the law,
even when you're trying to enforce it.
Quickly, Robin, to the crosswalk!
The Replica Ray has
the ability to scan an object
and create an identical version.
Observe.
(CLICKS)
(SCIENTISTS GASP)
As you might imagine,
the applications are endless.
Does anyone have any questions?
I do...
- (GASPS)
- (SPEAKING GERMAN)
Riddle me this.
What is black and blue and red all over?
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Answer.
You, if you don't hand over the ray.
You heard him, knave.
Never!
It's too important to give to filthy
criminal types such as yourselves.
Oh! You dare defy us?
You must be insane. And here's the proof!
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
(SCIENTISTS LAUGHING)
Why, you're practically certifiable.
(ALL LAUGHING)
BATMAN: Scientists, head for cover.
The only things these fiends
will be multiplying with that device
is their prison sentences.
Great quivering jellyfish,
the dynamic dunderheads!
Into the fray, my fitness finks.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(CACKLES)
(CACKLING)
(CACKLES)
(GROANING)
Oh, Batman, give up this life
of excessive do-gooding and join us.
A man of your skills
could be quite useful to me.
Us...
When heck freezes over,
you shameless Bathsheba.
Let the grownups talk, boy bird-brain.
Tag! You're it! (MANIC LAUGHTER)
We could have a lot of fun.
What do you say?
I say, renounce your evil ways, Catwoman.
Cease this infernal flirting. (GRUNTS)
Three Catwomen!
- Is that so bad?
- Of course it is!
Now he has to pick just one.
Perhaps not!
Batman, they're getting away
with the Replica Ray.
Ironic, since I'm seeing triple.
They won't get far. To the Batmobile.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HONKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Holy crumbling infrastructure!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Robin, time to use our trusty Batzooka!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(MANIC CHUCKLING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
ROBIN: Holy trench warfare!
Tin foil?
What does it mean, Batman?
We were foiled, Robin.
A taunt from our arrogant adversaries.
But in their hubris, they may have left
a clue to the location of their lair.
This machine contains the information
of two sets of encyclopedias.
It'll be able to collect
and analyze data in mere seconds.
Holy Einstein!
That's a lot of brain power.
(MACHINE WHIRRS)
Amorphous semi-crystalline layers.
Starch.
More precisely, gravy.
So what does it mean?
Take all the clues together,
the foil, the gravy...
Holy Salisbury steak!
- That could only mean...
- Right again, old chum.
The Fitzsimmons TV dinner factory
is where they're holed up.
Let's go.
I say!
It is patently preposterous,
you pretentious poser!
With this ray we can multiply money,
diamonds, females... Heh...
I wouldn't expect you to understand,
you boorish bird.
Only those who view crime
as an art form have true vision.
Right, Joker?
Oh, don't drag me into your
tedious tete-a-tete.
As long as the punch line
is funny, I don't care.
CATWOMAN: Enough caterwauling.
None of it will matter if Batman
stops us, like he always does.
Oh, dear me.
Someone's being a touchy tatty. (LAUGHS)
Ooh! Why the bad humor, Catwoman?
I'm just saying we need Batmam
on our side if we want to truly thrive.
My greatest joy as a super crook
is confounding that cowled clod!
Still, you do have a point.
But how do you turn a bat into a rat?
I call it Batnip.
One scratch, and mass muscles
will be mine to manipulate.
(SCOFFS) That's been tried before,
by better crooks than you.
- (CRACKS WHIP)
- Watch your tongue.
No one challenges the princess of plunder.
It will work, I guarantee it.
Now, quickly...
No doubt he's already on his way.
Feisty feline.
Soon you'll be a diva declawed.
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
With those four felons
possibly hiding in wait for us,
we don't dare use the front door.
(CLINKING)
ROBIN: (GRUNTS) Really feeling
the burn in the legs, Batman.
That ballet practice took a lot out of me.
Thus supporting my suspicion
you've been focusing too much on your
upper-body strength during workouts.
Gee whiz, I have been spending
a lot of time on my biceps.
A frozen TV dinner factory.
Appropriate, as you'll all soon be put
on ice in Gotham State Penitentiary.
Show yourselves.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
JOKER: Oh, stop me
if you've heard this one, Batman.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
Because they cr*ck each other up.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
You need new material.
Fools! Get them.
(GROANING)
One last time, Catwoman,
I implore you to turn yourself
in without a fight.
You will be gentle with me, Batman?
You have my assurance
I will handle you... personally.
That sounds divine.
I'd like that very much.
Shall we go, then?
But first, may I fix my hair?
I always like to look good for the judge.
A woman as beauteous as yourself
should be allowed to look her best.
You've earned that much
for doing the right thing.
- (BATMAN GROANS)
- ROBIN: Holy noxious gas!
(GROANS)
Goodnight, sweet prince.
(GROANS)
CATWOMAN: Rise and shine,
my winged warriors.
It doesn't have to be this way, Batman.
You're right.
It's not too late to renounce
your evil ways, Catwoman.
You are the one who will renounce
his ways, my dutiful do-gooder.
Granted, you've been known
to cloud the minds of men,
but I live by a set
of immalleable principles.
Oh, that's where this comes in.
After a dose, I think you'll find
your principles less rigid.
(GROANS)
What did you do to him,
you sinful succubus?
Observe.
Kiss me, Batman.
I...
- I...
- Batman, no! Don't do it.
- Will...
- Don't do it.
Will...
Not!
Don't worry, old chum.
My moral fiber is stronger than any
substance this she-devil might concoct.
Oh, well, no use crying over spilled milk.
Ah! I told you
it wouldn't work. (EXCLAIMS)
Never mind, Pengi...
Magic potions may not affect Batman,
but I'm sure good old-fashioned fire does.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Our most hated foes are about
to become a human TV dinner.
Huzzah! Huzzah!
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Fiends! I swear by all that is just,
you will rue this day.
The only roux here is in the gravy.
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
Come, my capricious cronies
in criminality.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(BLOWS A KISS)
It's starting to heat up, Batman.
(SNIFFING) But, we do smell delicious.
The smell of death, Robin, I'm afraid.
Guess this is our last meal, Batman.
Then this is one time I would
advocate starting with dessert.
(GULPS)
I suppose it doesn't matter
if we ruin our appetites now.
No, Robin. The dessert is a lemon tart.
Holy citric enzymes!
Lemons are acidic.
Correct, Robin.
Now if I can just cover my ropes
with this lemon filling,
the acidic content might be
enough to weaken my bonds.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
ROBIN: Hurry, Batman!
(STRAINING)
- (GRUNTS)
- (SNAPS)
Holy entree, Batman!
We were almost done for.
Well done, to be precise.
Though I find it quite distasteful
they got away.
At least Catwoman's play
to turn you evil didn't work.
True.
Now we still have to uncover
what those malicious miscreants
have planned for the Replica Ray.
Can you believe it?
Those Bolsheviks in Belgravia have
launched another manned space flight.
Shameful indeed, Chief.
It seems when it comes to the space race,
we've fallen even further behind.
BATMAN: Watching television
while on the job?
I certainly don't
condone that, Commissioner.
Oh, uh, of course, Batman.
So sorry. We were just...
BATMAN: It's not me
you need to apologize to.
It's the law-abiding
taxpayers of Gotham City.
You're quite right, Caped Crusader.
Begorra! I've never been so ashamed.
Enough sniveling, gentlemen.
We're here on more pressing matters.
The Joker and his crooked
cohorts got away.
We're sure they're causing mayhem
to Gotham City. But where?
Strangely enough, we haven't heard
a peep from them, Boy Wonder.
Not a peep?
How unlike those fiends.
Harriet Cooper, you know this is Bruce's
hallowed and forbidden
no woman's land. Oh!
But I just know he's hiding something.
A red phone.
My, how unique.
(HARRIET GASPS)
Mustn't touch, Aunt Harriet.
The oil from your fingers
can ruin the finish.
Bruce! I...
- I was just...
- Leaving?
Yes. Of course.
(SIGHS) Land's sakes!
How did I end up in here?
Wayne Manor is so big, it's easy
to get turned around. (LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Toodle-oo boys!
Gosh, that was close.
Too close, I'm afraid.
- Alfred!
- (DOOR OPENS)
Sir.
Aunt Harriet almost uncovered
our most intimate of secrets,
our true identities as crime fighters.
It's your job to keep her
away from this study.
Deepest apologies, sir.
It won't happen again.
No, it won't.
You're dismissed.
For the night?
Forever.
Bruce, surely you don't mean it.
It's quite all right, Master d*ck.
Master Bruce, it has been
an honor to serve you.
(TEARFULLY) Goodbye, Alfred.
I'm sure you'll continue
to make me proud, Master d*ck.
Goodbye.
(DOOR OPENS)
Gosh, Bruce, he's been
with you since you were a boy.
It wasn't that big of a deal.
An entire city depends on us.
Clearly, Alfred had gotten
too comfortable here.
I suspect a change
would be best for both of us.
Now, enough sentimentality.
There's much work yet to do.
To the Batcave!
Now!
(BUBBLING)
Holy dragnet!
We've looked everywhere, Batman.
Downtown, uptown, in the bay...
It doesn't make any sense.
Maybe they've given up.
I mean it's either that
or they're not on this planet.
Great Scott, that's it, Robin!
Lex parsimoniae.
Latin for "law of parsimony"?
Good job. Your grasp of the dead
languages has improved.
No language can be dead
if it lives in your heart.
Quite true.
Law of parsimony.
Also known as Occam's Razor.
When you have two competing theories,
the simplest one tends to be true.
So I ask you, did the most depraved,
evil, cold-hearted individuals
throw in the towel?
Or is it something simpler?
We can't find them because
they're no longer on this planet.
- Holy Trojan horse!
- Yes, Robin.
I contend those thieves hitched
a ride on that Belgravian rocket
that was just launched into space.
COSMONAUT: Approaching
Space Station, comrade.
Prepare to dock.
JOKER: Oh, pardon me, boys,
but could you direct me
to the powder room in this tin can?
No?
Then I'm afraid
you'll have to take a powder.
Pengi? (MANIC LAUGHTER)
- (GAS HISSES)
- (COUGHING)
Sweet dreams, my comatose cosmonauts.
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
To the Batrocket!
(BEEPS)
Gosh, Batman.
I never thought we'd need
the Batrocket on one of our cases.
An intergalactic spaceship is just
another tool in a crime fighter's arsenal.
Now, Robin,
space travel is the most dangerous
endeavor man has ever embarked upon.
I need to know if you
have the right stuff.
If brave men weren't
willing to take bold risks,
we wouldn't be able to move
forward as a society.
Then we take a bold risk now,
for Gotham City.
Initiate Bat-countdown.
- T-minus seconds.
- (BATROCKET POWERING UP)
Fire booster rockets.
Adjust Bat-radar dish.
Open launch doors.
T-minus five...
Four... Three...
Two... One!
Ignition. Ready to move out.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
How delicious!
I've always wanted to rule from the stars.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
This will go down in history
as the greatest caper in the universe.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
And when we three are done, there'll be
no one to stop us. (SQUAWKING LAUGH)
There are four cats in this litter,
you pudgy peon!
Yes. But one runt which
must get tossed out.
Treachery! But why?
You're soft on Batman.
And we all know how fickle cats can be.
Who's to say you won't turn on us...
For him?
Ha! The cat's got her own tongue.
Ah, well... (MANIC LAUGHTER)
Just think of it as one
small step for mankind,
and you'll be able to swim back to Earth.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Oh... Get her boys!
- (YELLING)
- (GRUNTING)
ROBIN: That's some space station, Batman.
A top secret joint venture
between our government
and the government of Belgravia.
Ultimately our two countries couldn't
figure out a way to work together
and it was abandoned.
- What a waste!
- Yes.
From up here it becomes clear
that we're all one people.
I hate to the core of my being
when diplomacy is destroyed by myopic pride.
BATMAN: Engage Bat-gravity boots.
(CLUNKING)
ROBIN: Holy helium!
Bat-climbs would be much easier this way.
BATMAN: Easier, but eventually
your muscles would atrophy,
your bones would lose density.
You see, Robin, there are consequences
to doing things the easy way,
something villains rarely take into
consideration when choosing a life of crime.
ROBIN: Golly. Right again, Batman
The only thing a cat hates more
than water is the vacuum of space.
Then I hope you can hold
your breath, pussycat.
Looks like the cat will go splat.
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
And now, it's time to put you
out for the night.
JOKER: Off you go! (MANIC LAUGHTER)
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
(ALL CHUCKLING)
(AIR HISSING)
May I assume your twisted teammates
turned the tables on you?
Where's your chivalry, Batman?
It's impolite to rub your masculine
superiority in a woman's face.
Serves you right, you depraved creature.
Are you sure we can't k*ll him?
When you're older, you'll come
to appreciate the pungent allure
of the feminine mystique, old chum.
But now it's time to dish out
some well-deserved fisticuffs.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
BATMAN:
Up with your flippers, you unholy three!
And hope that I leave enough
of you to put behind prison bars.
Curses! It's Batman.
Ha, the cat came back.
Oh! How did he find us this time?
Why, you quizzical creep!
It wasn't me! I resisted the urge.
He's Batman, you moronic
muttonheads, that's how.
Of course! You probably left a trail
of breadcrumbs for your little loverboy.
No, Penguin. I deduced
where you were, but not why.
Then riddle me this, Batman.
How do you hold a party in space?
Answer, you "plan-et."
Only we want to make three.
You diabolical devils!
Yes, then there can be a Gotham City
for each of us to control
without interference
from the caped clodpoles.
Of all the world-creating arrogance!
Don't worry, Batman, they'll
soon be where they belong.
Behind prison bars.
Actually, Robin, I'm thinking
of sending them out of the airlock.
Yeah! Let's see how they like it.
Ah! By the Marquess of Queensberry,
you have to follow the rules!
Do I?
Of course, Batman!
As duly deputized officers, we are
honor-bound to follow the tenets of the law.
Technically, we're outside
of the jurisdiction of Gotham PD.
Here, I play by my own rules.
Egad!
Batman's flipped his cowl.
If not, we should do it for him.
Ah, time to lighten the mood.
Holy zero Gs!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
You were getting so heavy on us, Batman.
- (THUD)
- (GRUNTING)
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
(THUD)
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Who says penguins can't fly?
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
Ow!
(MANIC LAUGHTER) Huh?
(GRUNTING)
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
(GRUNTS)
Why are your punches like
a bodybuilder without a gym?
Answer, because they're weightless.
You fiends!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(CLANG)
(YELLING)
(GROANING)
Let's do this.
(ALL GROANING)
You wanna get nuts?
- (GRUNTING)
- Let's get nuts.
(GRUNTING)
(WHIMPERING)
(SCREAMING)
(THUDDING)
(SCREAMING)
- Riddler, this is the operating table.
- No, no!
Not the face, Batman.
And I'm the surgeon.
(GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
(ALL GROANING)
- (PANTING)
- Gee, Batman, will they be okay?
BATMAN:
They may forever walk with slight limps
but they'll live.
Look!
Catwoman got away!
That tricky temptress.
She won't escape my grasp
the next time we cross paths.
But I'll enjoy her trying.
Thanks to you, Caped Crusader, their plan
of planetary proliferation was prevented.
I'll just store the Replica Ray
in the Batcave.
It's too dangerous to fall
into the wrong hands.
Once again we owe a debt
of gratitude we can never fully repay.
But know that you will forever be...
- (WIND BLOWING)
- Batman?
Where did Batman go?
Begorra! He just disappeared.
Like a bat in the night.
Very dramatic indeed.
And not like Batman at all.
You'll have to forgive him.
He's been a little out of sorts.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Batman, wait for me!
Batman?
Holy hitchhiker!
Now, how am I going to get back home?
Now, give a hand for our next group,
those manic minstrels from Manchester,
- the Bed Bugs!
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
Sorry, d*ck. I just couldn't bear
having to listen
to the Commissioner prattle on anymore.
Luckily, a citizen
loaned me their bicycle.
This Gotham Palace show
is top drawer, old chum.
And that host, Miranda Monroe,
va-va-voom.
Groovy, man, groovy.
Mercy, you two are back from
your "fishing trip" already?
Something wrong with that, Aunt Harriet?
Oh, don't mind me. (CHUCKLING)
Please, tell me exactly what's so amusing.
It's just...
Out with it, you silly old woman!
Heavens! Well, I never...
(CRYING)
I can't take this anymore, Bruce!
So, you think I should get
rid of the broad too?
No. I'm talking about you.
You've completely changed.
Now, now, old chum. You're overreacting.
Aren't you even worried about Alfred?
Well, Dickie, if you're so concerned
about Alfred, you're free to join him.
On skid row.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
(MUTTERING)
A-ha!
Any progress on that
shoplifting case, O'Hara?
Well, you know, the witness,
uh, and, uh, the, er...
Say no more, Chief.
You don't have to explain to me
how difficult police work can be.
Have you tried...
(WHISPERING) You know who?
Every minutes. No answer.
Maybe we should try again?
My thoughts exactly.
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTING)
How about you clean up your
own mess for once?
(ALARM RINGING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(g*n COCKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Yes, but every available
officer is already dispatched.
We'll send someone to you
as soon as we can.
No, we don't know where Batman
is any more than you do.
The city is in chaos.
Absolute chaos.
BATMAN: Greetings, Commissioner.
Chief.
It the Caped Crusader himself!
I must say, you are a sight for sore eyes.
Saints preserve us, all those rosaries
I've been saying have finally paid off.
Where have you been, Batman?
Thinking, Commissioner.
I've been trying to figure out why
you two are in charge of anything.
Surely you jest, Batman.
It's you two who jest by calling
yourselves police officers.
(BOTH GASP)
I take a little time off and look
at the state of Gotham City.
Now, please remove your uniforms.
Excuse me, Batman?
I said,
take off your uniforms.
But why would we do that?
Because you two don't
deserve to wear them.
Surely, you understand the
city cannot run without a
Commissioner and Chief of Police.
No need to worry.
I've already found your replacements.
I think you'll find
they're very qualified.
The Replica Ray!
What are you going to do with that?
GORDON: Three Batmen!
Allow me to introduce Gotham's new
Chief of Police and Commissioner.
Ready to run Gotham
with a firm glove, Batman.
Begorra.
Have you gone mad, Batman?
You've always said there never
was enough of me to go around.
That's no longer a problem.
Chief, Commissioner,
please escort the former Chief
and Commissioner off the premises.
From now on, Batman will
be running this town.
And eventually, the world.
(LAUGHING)
Mr. Mayor, the city no longer
requires your ineffective management.
- You're relieved from office.
- (GRUNTING)
Semple vs Strozier states any judge
can be replaced by a citizen.
Baking is as much a science as an art.
The city deserves a boulanger
who understands that.
(MOANING)
(ENGINE REVVING LOUDLY)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
First position.
Second position.
(SIGHS)
Holy plie.
How am I supposed to focus
on my progressions
when Batman progresses down
a road of darkness?
Progresses.
How did I not see it before?
Catwoman's Batnip did work!
It's just been working slowly.
If I'm going to save Batman,
I need to go to the source.
Sarsaparilla on the rocks.
Please.
Oh!
Ow!
(SLURPING)
I hope you're proud of what you've
done to Batman, you hateful hussy!
I wanted him to be bad, but not that bad.
You do know the difference, don't you?
Give me the antidote,
you licentious Lucrezia!
There is an antidote, isn't there?
Of course there's an antidote.
We just have to get him to take it.
- We?
- You know how fond I am of Batman.
Were it not for his unfortunate
devotion to good, we'd be an item.
Besides, the way he saved me
from those double crossers,
I suppose I owe him.
Can I trust you?
Cross my heart.
I promise not to k*ll you.
For now.
(CAGE CREAKS OPEN)
Then let's go.
To the Catmobile!
Holy Faster, Pussycat! k*ll! k*ll!
Are you old enough to drive one of these?
Gosh, yes. I have my learner's permit,
which means I can drive
if another adult is in the vehicle.
Remember, I'll be watching
your every move, Catwoman.
Kid, I always suspected you did.
- Where to?
- The Batcave.
But your gonna have to take
a catnap for this trip.
Very well.
But I expect you to keep your
hands to yourself.
(MOANING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GROANING)
Well, if it isn't the bachelor pad
to end all bachelor pads.
Should we hide before Batman finds us?
He already knows we're here.
BATMAN: Quite right, boy genius.
It was just a matter of time
before you returned.
I'm just surprised you brought
such a lovely guest.
Batman, from the look of things,
you're happy to see me.
You know I am, doll.
Listen, Batman. Catwoman's
Batnip worked, only very slowly.
That's the reason you're acting this way.
Then it's her I have to thank.
I much prefer the new me.
I'm finally doing everything my old
virtuous self wouldn't let me do.
Your ego is out of control.
You've taken over the city!
And that's only the beginning.
What about you, baby? You want to join me?
Isn't that what you wanted all along?
But what about Robin?
Hmm.
I know.
We'll k*ll him.
Purr-fect.
I'll probably regret this,
but a deal is a deal.
(COUGHING)
That's the antidote, Batman.
You'll soon be back to your old self.
Wrong, old chum. I anticipated this move
and took the Bat-anti-antidote.
Yup, I knew I'd regret it.
You must be stopped!
Then why don't you try, old chum?
I know every move you'll make, because
I taught you every move you know.
An old-fashioned tool, Robin.
A utility belt showdown. I accept.
Bat-knockout gas!
Bat-wake-up gas!
(HISSING)
Bat-cuffs!
(CLICKING)
Bat-lockpick.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Bat-b*mb!
Bat-shield!
Enough of this frivolous folderol.
(WHIP CRACKING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Sweet dreams, fools.
(BOTH MOANING)
(BOTH STRUGGLING)
Comfy, my tenacious twosome?
Holy hydrogen!
The nuclear silo.
When I pull this lever,
you'll be lowered into the silo
at the exact moment it releases
its radioactive steam.
Any last requests?
How 'bout a kiss, masked muscles?
Sure thing, pussycat.
(ROBIN CLEARS THROAT)
You'll never get away with this, Batman.
Boy, bird-brain, can't you see
we're in the middle of something?
Sorry.
(BEEPING)
I'm afraid our time's run out.
Perhaps we'll meet again
in your next life, Catwoman.
Now, if you excuse me,
I have a city to rule.
(LAUGHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(PULLEY WHIRRING)
Drat, drat and double drat!
My claws have no effect.
Batman uses a special
Bat-cable that doesn't fray.
Perhaps we can swing
ourselves to the railing.
He raised it three inches, just enough
to prevent us from clearing the rail.
Then how the heck do we get outta here?
I don't think we can.
Brace yourself.
How are we alive?
While you were out on the
drive here, I sprayed us both
with a dose of Bat-anti-isotope spray
to guard us against any radioactivity.
I knew Batman would probably
get the best of us
and that our most likely fate
would be the silo.
Most impressive, Boy Wonder.
I just hope we haven't
lost Batman forever.
We'll need muscle to stop him.
No one's crazy enough
to take on all those Batmen.
You're wrong, Catwoman.
There's a whole prison of them.
We're Gotham State prison inspectors.
I've never heard of prison
inspectors before.
Why wasn't I informed of this?
It's a new position, Warden.
You do want to ensure
the safety of the prisoners
and all that garbage, don't you?
Madame, I assure you, we go by the book.
Oh, is that so?
Those pickaxes aren't up to code!
They must be replaced.
Lucky for you, Warden,
we brought the newest model.
Oh! Look at that!
These are not regulation ball and chains.
Replace them. Now!
(SNAPS FINGERS)
And to lift prisoner morale,
the state has required us to give
the prisoners these care packages
of toiletries and wholesome magazines.
What about us?
Sorry, but we're all out.
If I weren't already in jail, I...
Ah! The indignity of it all.
Passed over for these larcenous lowlifes.
Remember, any more violations and you'll
be the ones wearing prison chains.
- MEN: Whoa!
- GUARD: Where do you think you're going? Hey!
(YELLING)
Come on, fellas.
ALL: Huzzah!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Everyone's gotten away!
Except for these three.
Don't take your eyes off them.
We can't lose them, too.
I won't let them out of my sight.
- (LASER BLAST)
- (POPPING)
(GASPS)
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to another
edition of Gotham Palace,
with your host...
Batman?
Hello, Gotham City.
Your regular host, Miranda Monroe,
is a bit tied up at the moment.
(MUFFLED)
So, I thought this could be
another job for Batman.
Since taking over Gotham,
I've created the perfect city,
and yet I'm still not sated.
I used to think I dress like a bat
to instill fear into
Gotham's super criminals,
but recently I've come
to realize that, actually,
I just crave attention. (LAUGHING)
(CONFUSED MURMURING)
So, what better place to get
that than Gotham Palace?
And to ensure you don't miss a minute,
my Batmen have attached Bat-VHF detonators
to every TV aerial in Gotham City.
If you turn the channel,
or worse, turn off the TV,
your sets will explode! (LAUGHING)
ROBIN: Holy shrapnel!
Boy Genius? Catwoman? Alive?
Annoying, but not entirely surprising.
We're here to stop you, Batman.
And just how do you two
plan on doing that?
With a little help from our friends.
Then as the milkmaid said
when she kissed her cow,
"The show must go on." (SNAPS FINGERS)
(PLAYING TRUMPET)
(PLAYING DRUMS)
(PLAYING BATMAN THEME)
(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)
(SPLAT)
(GROANING)
(FORCE FIELD RINGING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS AND GROANS)
(GRUNTS)
You poor, delinquent child.
Those villains are all going
back to Gotham Penitentiary.
But I'll deal with you
and Catwoman personally.
But there will be no death trap.
And I won't be conveniently stepping away.
This time I do it with my own two hands.
MAN: Special delivery for a Mr. Batman.
That's me.
"To Gotham's newest pop star."
(CHUCKLES) I'll drink to that.
(GULPS) Refreshing.
Now, time to deal with you.
(CHOKING) Great Scott!
I've been slipped a mickey.
Batman, are you okay?
Back to... To normal.
Old chum, spell broken.
It seems someone delivered me an antidote
that could neutralize
the Bat-anti-antidote.
Holy counter-acting potions! But who?
I'd be more concerned with them.
Quick! Both of you, get behind me.
(ZAPPING AND POPPING)
Holy spontaneous combustion!
Yes, Robin, the duplicates
were always molecularly unstable.
Batman, you've saved the day again!
- From yourself.
- I don't know how you did it.
The credit must really go to
Robin and Catwoman.
She proves that even the most
vile, depraved and amoral villain
is capable of redemption.
Gee, thanks, Batman.
While all of Gotham is
grateful for her help,
she must still serve her time.
Understood.
Catwoman, thank you for all your help.
I promise to act as a character
witness on your behalf.
With good behavior, you'll most
likely get an early parole.
After years or so.
Perhaps there's a better way
to show your gratitude.
And what would that be?
That'll keep me warm on those
cold nights doing hard time.
You'll have to come with us now, ma'am.
It seems everything is
back the way it should be.
I still want to know who
gave you the antidote.
I'm glad you received the package, sir.
ROBIN: Alfred?
The bond Alfred and I have is unbreakable,
which is why we've had
a long-standing arrangement
that if I were ever to fire him,
it would only be because I was
under some evil mind control.
And should that happen,
I was to prepare an antidote
according to Batman's precise
instructions and list of ingredients.
I hope it wasn't too difficult, Alfred.
It got a bit messy at times,
but went exactly as planned.
Always one step ahead, Batman.
One step ahead.
One step ahead.
And I've been one step behind
since the very beginning.
How could I not see it?
What is it, Batman?
This has all been a well-thought-out
distraction by Joker, Penguin and Riddler.
They knew the Replica Ray
was unstable the whole time,
which means they never
planned to duplicate Earth.
But we sent them up the river.
No, Robin. Don't you see?
We put their duplicates in jail.
They've been free the whole time.
Holy triple-cross!
And if my guess is right, they knew
Catwoman's Batnip would work,
because the Joker spiked it
with his own laughing-gas formula,
making it more potent.
Those devilish tricksters
needed me as a distraction.
But from what?
Knowing those fiends, it's a crime spree
targeting Gotham's most priceless
treasures and irreplaceable artworks.
Well done, Robin.
Exactly what I was thinking.
- The perfect crime.
- Almost.
Let's go!
Holy stowaway!
My feline pride won't allow me
to let those traitors go unpunished.
I want to help.
Please, Catwoman.
Those venal villains are committing
the biggest heist
Gotham City has ever seen.
You'd be in danger.
You do remember they tried to
sh**t me into space. Yes?
Very well. After all you've done,
you've earned the right to join us.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Ah. We did it.
Our most perfect plan ever.
Look at our haul.
Priceless treasures
and irreplaceable artwork!
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
The first puzzle ever created.
Four thousand years old,
and worth a king's ransom.
Ah! That rock's nothing
compared to my little nest egg,
encrusted with a million bucks
worth of diamonds and emeralds.
- (SQUAWKING LAUGH)
- Whoo!
And at last, I finally got
my hands on this beauty.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
A clown painting?
That's worthless.
Oh, Pengi, the value in art
isn't in how much it costs,
it's in how it makes you feel.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Besides, it will be worth lots
once I bump off the artist.
(ALL LAUGHING)
BATMAN: You filthy criminals!
And to think you almost got away with it.
But no one can outsmart
Batman for very long.
Egad! He's back to his old,
obnoxiously good self.
If we can't outsmart him,
then we'd better outrun him.
Hurry, men, or it's curtains!
The prodigal Penguin
always comes prepared.
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Quickly! To the Whirly-Bat!
Look, Batman, it's their getaway vehicle.
A blimp. Unorthodox, but diabolical.
(CAMERA POSITIONING)
Whose idea was it to get such
a slow-moving getaway car?
Patience, my quizzical quipster.
Observe.
Robin, time to use our exploding
Batterangs on those engines.
Holy Hindenburg!
If we miss the mark,
it'll go up in flames.
Which is why our aim must be true.
Ready? One, two, three!
(ALL GROANING)
They've blown our engines,
you beaked boob!
Silence! Then we must move the fray
to where this bird of prey
has the advantage.
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
CATWOMAN: They're gone.
Wrong. They've just gone up.
BATMAN: Hand over those priceless
treasures and irreplaceable artworks.
You fiends!
You'll be abstract art once you splat
onto the pavement, Batman.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
(GRUNTING)
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
(GRUNTS AND GROANS)
(GRUNTS) Huh?
(GROANING)
(SCREAMS)
I can't believe I'm doing this.
(GRUNTS)
Thanks?
- (BATMAN GRUNTS)
- (ALL GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(WHIMPERING)
(GROANS)
(ALL YELLING)
(ALL GROANING)
(SCREAMING)
(SQUAWKING LAUGH)
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
(WHINES)
(GRUNTS)
BATMAN: End of the line, Joker.
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
(FARTS)
(WHOOPING)
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
- (FABRIC TEARING)
- Whoa!
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- JOKER: Oh!
(STRAINS)
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Ah!
(GROANS)
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
(ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING)
(SHRIEKS)
(TRUMPETING CONTINUES)
(JOKER MOANING)
- (HORN BLARING)
- Ah!
(WAILING)
(GROANS)
(MOANS)
CLOWN: Uh.
Well done, old chum.
We saved Gotham's priceless treasures
and irreplaceable artworks.
CATWOMAN: Yes. Saved them from me.
Ta-ta, my stalwart stooges.
This cat's ready to walk
on the wild side again.
Catwoman, consider
the consequences of your actions.
You know a tiger can't
change her stripes, Batman.
Please. By all that's decent,
I beg of you.
I'll give myself up on one condition.
What's that?
We run away to Europe together,
sip tea in a cafe,
and live happily ever after.
Holy unsatisfying ending.
And, of course, we k*ll Robin.
Catwoman, you know I can't.
Oh!
- Give me your hand.
- I'm sorry, Batman,
but I won't be put in a cage again.
(WIND BLOWING)
No.
Catwoman.
(BLOWS NOSE)
Loving you was wrong,
but I had to do right.
(JAZZ PLAYING)
Oh, land's sake,
what a wonderful birthday
you've thrown for me, boys.
Did we surprise you, Aunt Harriet?
Did you?
I knew you two were trying to
keep a secret from me.
But I never suspected it was this.
There's not much we could keep from you.
The lengths you went to.
And I was beginning to think
you kept me around
only for appearances.
Appearances, Aunt Harriet? How so?
Oh, simply that the famous Bruce Wayne
didn't have room for his ward's old aunt.
But now I know I'm a valued
part of the family,
and I needn't be so insecure.
And you can put an end
to the fishing ruse.
- I promise I won't...
- Sir.
Uh, you'll have to excuse us,
Aunt Harriet.
Where are you two going?
The party's just started.
Why, skeet sh**ting of course.
See you later, Aunt Harriet.
Oh, yes, of course.
What?
(BATMAN THEME PLAYING)
Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders (2016)
Moderator: Maskath3