01x03 - Guess What Happened on the Way to the Moon?

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time...

... in a mythical place
called Cape Kennedy...

...an astronaut named Tony Nelson
went up on a space mission.

The missile went up...

...but something went wrong,
and they had to bring it down.

Captain Nelson landed on
an island in the South Pacific...

... where he found a bottle.
At least, it looked like a bottle.

But it didn't act like a bottle.

Because in it was a genie.

Oh, not your average,
everyday genie...

...but a beautiful genie...

... who could grant any wish.

Captain Nelson was so grateful,
he set Jeannie free...

... only she didn't want to be free.

You know how it is when you've been
cooped up in a bottle for years.

She wanted to have fun.

And she wanted to have it
with Captain Nelson.

So she followed him back
to Cocoa Beach...

...a mythical town
in a mythical state called Florida.

And there in this house, the girl in
the bottle plays spin the astronaut.

Where is that razor?

A razor just doesn't simply
get up and walk away by itself.

Can't go to a briefing
without a shave.

Well, now, who put that in there?

Jeannie.

Jeannie?

Jeannie, you come out of there
right now.

Good morning, master darling.
How may l serve you?

First of all, you can stop
calling me ''master darling.''

And secondly, you can stop
being such a neatener.

What means this word '' neatener''?

Well, it's like when you...

...throw out my newspaper
before l've read it.

And-- And you put her
in the drawer.

And now, my razor is missing.

Oh, that. l got rid of it.

-Why?
-ln the land from which l came...

...it is the fashion for all masters
to wear beards.

Well, Jeannie, in this country...

...the only people who wear beards
are folksingers and beatniks.

But my handsome master would
look like a king with a warrior's beard.

Behold!

Beautiful.

Now you look a proper master.

lf l walk around Cape Kennedy
like this...

...they'll blast me off
without a capsule.

That must be Dr. Bellows.

Now get me out of this, quick.

Well.... Well, thanks.

Oh, thanks for the shave.

Not very funny.

No, it's not very funny.
But then how many doorbells are?

Good morning, Dr. Bellows.
Well, l'm ready, sir. Shall we go?

We don't wanna be late
for the briefing.

No, we don't, do we?

Have a nice day.

Lights, please.

That's it, gentlemen.

We've looked at so many films
of the moon's surface...

...when we finally land
it'll seem like homecoming.

That's why this survival mission
you're embarking on tomorrow...

...is of such vital importance.

When you get back,
we'll have a better idea...

...of man's ability to survive a week
under really rugged conditions.

Furnace Canyon, Nevada...

... degrees during the day,
and below zero at night.

Miles and miles of nothing
but miles and miles of nothing.

Furnace Canyon is
hazardous and miserable.

And too easy for our purposes.

Therefore, tomorrow morning
at hours...

...you will be deposited
on the floor of Skull Flats, Utah.

Skull Flats.

l'm not complaining, but for once
l'd like to go on a survival mission...

...to a place called, like,
Happy Valley or Merry Meadows.

Yes.

-Bellows.
-Theoretically...

...men of your age and
superlative physical condition...

...should be able
to cover the miles...

...from the drop zone
to our evacuation strip...

...if nothing goes wrong.

-You figure something will?
-Lots of things.

That's the survival game for you.

We're setting you down with one
quart of water per man. Period.

You mean....
You mean no food?

Only what you are able to catch, k*ll
or scrape off the underside of rocks.

Well, the chocolate rocks are mine.

But it is utterly ridiculous.

You cannot go out into
the desert without me.

Oh, yes, l can.

This is a do-it-yourself
survival mission.

l am leaving you right here.

Just to make certain you don't
interfere, back in the bottle you go.

Oh, please, master. Over years
l've spent in that accursed bottle.

Then one more week
can't make that much difference.

Now be a good genie
and back in the bottle.

You are the most difficult
master l have ever served!

Thanks, Jeannie.

And when l told Annabelle
we're going out of town for a week...

...you should hear the way she cried.
Like a baby. When l told Louise...

-...she completely--
-All right. lf we hurry...

...we'll have time to say goodbye
to Margie and Dottie and Fay...

-...on the way to the airstrip.
-They can wait. Let me grab this.

Okay, thanks.

Now, Jeannie, l want you to be
a good girl, you understand?

Look, look. Here.

You can play with your marbles
while l'm gone.

l hope-- l hope l didn't hit you.

There. You'll be safe right here.

But how safe am l gonna be
on a desert...

...with a guy who talks to bottles?

-Well, is it everything l promised?
-Yes, sir, and more.

Boy, it must be in the shade
out here. lf there was any shade.

Well, cheer up.
lt's only : in the morning.

l know l don't have to remind you
of the importance...

-...of what you're about to do.
-No, sir.

We appreciate you choosing us
for this mission. Don't we, Roge?

Right. After this, the moon mission
will seem like a weekend in Miami.

-Any final orders, sir?
-No. Just stay alive...

...and cover as much ground
as possible.

Let's get cracking.

l'm anxious to try these
synthetic boots. See how they work.

You go ahead. l'm gonna stick
with the old-fashioned kind.

Boy, this survival business
is pretty thirsty work, huh?

l'll drink to that.

Well, here's to you.

Oh, no.

-Oh, no, what?
-Oh, no, l don't think l'll drink yet.

-Try and test the old endurance, huh?
-Yeah, yeah.

Something like that.

Listen, why don't we split
up for a while, huh? l'll....

l'll meet you on
the other side of that butte.

Okay, here we go. See you.

You come out of there.

Now, now, come on.
l'm in no mood to play games.

Jeannie, look. Don't be afraid.

l just wanna talk to you.

Talking to your canteen. Aren't you
afraid your bottle'll get jealous?

No, l wasn't talking to it.
l was-- Well, you know--

Would you like me to play
''Sugar Blues'' on my comb...

-...or shall we get on with the mission?
-Yeah, you're right.

-See you on the other side of the butte.
-l'll see you.

All right now, Jeannie.
Now you come out of there!

O, cleverest master
in all the world...

...teach me the meaning
of this strange incantation:

Every drop is gone.
Do you realize what you've done?

Well, l'll die without water.

By this time tomorrow,
l'll look like a bag of raisins.

Humans just can't
live without--

Hey, you're the most wonderful genie
l've ever seen in my life.

What am l being grateful for? lf it
hadn't been for you in the first place...

All right, that--
That's enough.

That's all l'll ask.

lt's a vodka martini.

ls that not my master's
favourite potion?

Yes, at cocktail time,
but this is life or death.

Just one quart plain, please.

Plain water.

Oh, that's better.

l mean under the circumstances,
that's better.

lf you are pleased, l am content.

Now, what do we do?

Well, l get on with my mission,
and you get out of here.

-Oh, but you need me.
-No, no, l don't. Now-- Now listen.

Can't you get it through your head
l don't need you.

Look, l'm specially trained
for this kind of work.

l-- l don't need your help.
l'm-- Really, l-- l--

Jeannie. Let me go.

Tony, l'm looking at a mirage
you wouldn't believe.

Tony. Tony. Hello, Ton.
Ton? Tony?

Where am l?

Where am l?

-What's that?
-Baktu malali.

An ancient Persian remedy.

Oh, boy. What is it?

Hot chicken soup.

lt's great. Great.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Take that away. l'm not allowed to eat.

-You have had enough?
-Enough what?

Well, this is my master's
third bowl full.

Oh, you didn't. l didn't.

You did? l did? Oh, boy.

l've displeased you?

Oh, Jeannie, you meant well...

...but you've just ruined
the whole mission.

No. No, no,
not the whole mission.

There's always Roger.
Yeah, good old Roger.

Roger. Roger, are you there?
Over.

-Roger, come in.
-Hello, Tony?

Where you been?
l've been trying to raise you.

l'm headed for the wildest
mirage you ever saw.

Mirage? Mirage?
What kind of a mirage?

There's this oasis, see?
One of those silk Arab tents...

...and a while back,
I saw the wildest blonde.

Well, boy, l sure wish
l had your imagination.

No-- No fooling.
I can even smell the incense.

l'll get back to you later
when l get a better look.

Maybe she's got a friend
for you. Out.

No, no, no, Roger.
Now don't do that.

Roger, there is no girl.
She's all in your mind.

Roger! Roger?

Now look what you've done.
He's on his way over here.

lf my master wishes, l can turn
that one into a pillar of salt.

No. No, no, please.

Just get rid of all this.

lt is done.

No, no. Not quite. You too.

-But--
-And take your chicken soup with you.

You may k*ll me, but you'll
have a fight on your hands.

Need any help?

What's the matter with your ankle?

l just twisted it a little.
lt'll be all right. See?

You take it easy and l'll see what
l can scrape up for breakfast.

Okay. l'll try to make
a snare for that rabbit.

lf you're gonna wrestle
that thing again...

...take it easy.

lf my master's hungry,
l could spread a six-course--

Of course l'm hungry.
But you know the rules.

What'd you say?

l said l was hungry.

Tony. Tony, what are you doing?

You're not gonna believe this...

...but l got so hungry l took
a bite out of my walkie-talkie.

God! Hang on, will you? l got
some cactus here that looks beautiful.

l'll try to get the needles off
and bring you some, okay?

lf the meat is not pleasing to you,
l could...?

No. This is wonderful, but...

...l can't gorge myself on roast lamb
while my buddy is out eating needles.

l ran into a special down
at the supermarket.

Look what dad's got for breakfast.

Looks delicious.

Hey, you know something,
l must be cracking up.

l could swear l smell roast lamb.

Oh, that. Yeah, well...

...l got so hungry,
l cooked my shoe and l ate it.

-Roast shoe? How did it taste?
-A lot like roast lamb.

Oh, boy.
No matter how hungry l get...

...l can never eat
these fibreglass goodies.

Listen, Roge. With this bum ankle,
l'll never be able to keep up with you.

You better....
You better go out on your own.

And leave you out in
this wilderness? Forget it.

The faster you get back
to civilization...

...the faster you'll be able
to send help for me.

-l am not leaving you--
-Roger...

...the mission comes first.

All right. l'll come back
and pick you up myself.

Oh, and look, don't burn yourself out.
Slow and easy does it.

Okay.

Tony...

...l was just thinking.
You won't be doing much walking.

-Could l have your other shoe?
-My other shoe?

Yeah. lt'd be kind of
a change of diet...

...and it did smell like
roast lamb, and....

Okay.
But promise me you won't eat it...

...unless there's absolutely
nothing else around.

And don't overcook it.

l'll check with you every three hours.

-l'll be here.
-You'll be here. Okay.

Your friend is a good man.

Yeah. None better.

lt will be hot out there.

lf you like, l could make
a cooling shower of rain for him.

l'd like to put him
in an air-conditioned car.

Now stop that.
He's got to do this on his own...

...otherwise the whole mission
is for nothing. You understand?

No.

But if you want your best friend
to suffer....

-Hello, Tony?
-Yeah, Roge.

l must be doing something wrong.
lt tastes like shoe.

l'm sorry, Roge.

This cactus you gave me tastes
exactly like-- Like melon.

Boy, I wish I had your imagination.

Jeannie, it's against my principles...

...but you better get us out of here.

l won't have Roger risking
his life coming back for me.

Get me some
fast transportation fast.

Well...

...as you say, master.

This is not exactly
what l had in mind.

lt is the only way to travel.

Tony, l left him behind
that butte five days ago.

-We gotta find him.
-Captain Nelson's already in.

He's already in?
Captain Nelson's already in?

Amazing. Unbelievable.

-Couldn't the scale be wrong?
-No, captain. Let's face it.

You not only survived,
you gained five pounds.

l'm sorry, sir.

And one ounce.
That's not the worst of it.

How am l gonna explain
your condition?

Why, you're in perfect health.

-What about my elbow?
-Yes.

-What about that elbow?
-lt hurts. lsn't that something?

l know it hurts,
and l know why it hurts.

-There's only one thing that could be.
-What?

Gout. You know what'll happen to
me when l write that in the test report?

They won't only throw me out
of the space program...

...they'll laugh me out
of the medical profession.

Well, can we just forget
about the gout, sir?

-No.
-No.

-And l have an even bigger problem.
-What, sir?

Explaining how a man walks
across the desert...

...in his stockinged feet
and winds up with saddle sores.

Get your clothes on, wait for me.
l'm not through with you yet.

Would you mind turning around?

Too rich food.

-That doctor, l do not think l like him.
-Well, if he caught you here...

...l don't think he'd be too happy
either. You better b*at it.

-l wish to help.
-No.

There's no way for you to get
me out of this spot, Jeannie.

l've gotta tell the doctor the whole
truth. lt may mean my career.

Well, then why tell him?

Because, Jeannie,
the results of my survival test...

...are gonna be used
to train future astronauts.

Only they won't have a genie.

l can't let them send those
poor kids out in that desert...

...thinking they'll make out
as well as l did.

ls it any wonder l love you?

He may be in better physical shape
but l bet l'm in better mental shape.

Oh, hello, doctor.

Roger! Your feet, what happened?

Blisters this big,
that's what happened.

Boy, you try walking on a desert,
you'll have blisters too.

Only come to think about it,
you couldn't have...

...because you didn't have any shoes
because l ate one of them and....

Hey, wait a minute. Wait,
what did happen out there?

Well, l've been trying to figure
out a way of telling you, doc.

But Roger chose the hard way,
and l chose the easy way.

Obviously.

Captain Healy lost pounds
travelling miles in seven days...

...while you turned up three days
early, miles from the drop zone...

...and looking like the guest of honour
at the gourmet's club.

Explain that. How come
you didn't let me in on the easy way?

l wanted to, Roge, but l couldn't.
Well, what l mean is....

-What? What?
-Well...

...while you were collecting cactus
and bones and feathers, l was....

l was having a big meal of chicken
soup and roast lamb and melon...

...and there l was lying
in this beautiful silk tent.

No fair. No fair.
That's my mirage he's doing.

A beautiful tent and beautiful food?

-No beautiful girl?
-There was in my mirage.

-After l ate the melon....
-Don't listen to him.

Aside from what was on the ground,
the only thing he ate was his left shoe.

lt was my right shoe,
and l didn't eat it.

Remarkable.
And the miles?

l rode most of the way.

-On a camel?
-Yes.

That was my mirage too. l must
have told him on the walkie-talkie.

Of course you did.
You saw it, but he rode it.

-Very interesting.
-Wait a minute. Wait, doc.

-You don't believe him, do you?
-Of course not.

But the important thing
is that he believes it.

A remarkable manifestation
of mind over matter.

You see, Captain Nelson was
so convinced the food was there...

...he not only put on weight,
he got the gout.

And as for your camel,
he got the saddle sores.

Then you don't think l'm crazy.
You won't kick me out of the program?

Well, hardly.
We need men like you--

Men of imagination
and determination.

--if we're to survive on the moon.

Thank you, sir.
You'll never regret this.

l'm recommending you for the most
difficult mission we have yet devised:

Operation Extinction.

Look, Roge.
This is.... Roge?

Then l'm really going with you.

l wouldn't tackle
Operation Extinction without you.

l'm so pleased.

You will love the desert of
Saudi Arabia. l know a pool there.

Oh, l bet you do.

All right. ln your bottle.

-But--
-ln.

l'm sorry, Jeannie.

l know this is a dirty trick
and l hate myself...

...but l'm going to accomplish
this mission on my own.

With nothing going for me.