01x08 - The Americanization of Jeannie

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time...

... in a mythical place
called Cape Kennedy...

...an astronaut named Tony Nelson
went up on a space mission.

The missile went up...

...but something went wrong,
and they had to bring it down.

Captain Nelson landed on
an island in the South Pacific...

... where he found a bottle.

At least it looked like a bottle.

But it didn't act like a bottle.

Because in it was a genie.

Oh, not your average
everyday genie...

...but a beautiful genie...

... who could grant any wish.

Captain Nelson was so grateful,
he set Jeannie free.

Only she didn't want to be free.
You know how it is...

... when you've been cooped up
in a bottle for years.

She wanted to have fun...

...and she wanted to have it
with Captain Nelson.

So she followed him back
to Cocoa Beach...

...a mythical town
in a mythical state called Florida.

And there in this house...

... the girl in the bottle
plays Spin the Astronaut.

Hi.

l thought you went to sleep.

l thought you went to sleep, master.

No, no. l decided to work
on my model.

lsn't it a beauty?

Very nice.

You must be hungry.

Well, you ate hardly
anything for dinner.

l almost made it myself.

-You know what is in it?
-Yes, calories.

You are without shoes again.
l will go fetch your slippers.

No, no. Please, don't bother.
Don't bother.

-lt's no bother at all.
-l don't like being fussed over.

When l'm working,
l don't like being fussed over.

-But, master, l do not--
-Please don't call me master.

-lt makes me feel like a fat, old caliph.
-Thou art neither old nor fat.

Thou art most handsome.

Am l?

-What did l do with that glue?
-l'll get it.

Now, be careful.
Look, l put a lot of time in on this.

Do l not know it.

Every night,
to fashion a child's toy.

lt's not a child's toy.

This is an exact replica of the one
we're gonna use next month.

Master?

There's a moon out tonight.

Would it not be pleasant
to stroll along the beach?

Yeah. Yeah, why don't you do that.

There.

There, it's done.

How about that, huh?

Looks real enough to blast off,
doesn't it?

Well, master,
back to the old drawing board.

What art thou laughing at?

Well, it's a little funny.
What are you reading, Jeannie?

l'm reading a scroll. ''The
Emancipation of Modern Woman.''

What does it mean?

Jeannie-- You don't have
to worry about things like that.

But l do. l want to understand
your way of life...

-...so that l can please you.
-Well, you please me very much.

Matter of fact, you're--
You're perfect.

-Dost thou really think so?
-Yes. Yes, l do.

Do you have to say, ''dost thou''?
We say, ''do you.''

You think it'd be possible for me to
view the sights of your village tonight?

Why, certainly.

Oh, no. No.

-Why not?
-Well, it's the way you're dressed.

You look like a fugitive
from a costume party.

How should l dress?

l don't know.
Why don't you pick out someone...

...that dresses well and copy them.

-No, no. l don't think you get the idea.
-But you do dress well.

Well, thank you very much. But l wish
you'd stop these silly little tricks.

So except for the manner
in which l speak, dress and act...

...l am perfect?

That's right.
Now, you just keep working at it.

Remember, practice makes perfect.

l'm a little late now.
l'll see you tonight.

Master. Master.

Hiya, Captain Nelson!
How's the old boy?

''Are you a loser in the battle
between the sexes?

ls the man in your life aloof,
indifferent to you...

...impossible to please?

Does he fail to appreciate
what you have to offer...

...as a person, as a female?''

The answer is obvious.

''The answer is obvious.

One, you must learn how to challenge
his masculine arrogance.

Two, you must be independent,
self-reliant, unpredictable.

Three, you must learn to cope
with him on his own grounds.

ln short, you must become
a modern American woman.''

Check manual mode
ECS operation.

Manual mode ECS satisfactory.

Check O- tanks
one and two pressures.

O- t*nk pressure, p.s. i.

Check suit temperature.

Suit temperature is low.

Check suit pressure.

Suit pressure normal.

l'm feeling a little light-headed.

Switch to your manual auxiliary
oxygen. You hear me, Tony?

l hear you.

Now give me a reading
on your oxygen supply.

O- flow is normal.

Okay. l'll bring you down, Tony.

-Roger.
-Yeah?

l mean, roger, l'm coming down.

Hi, Roge. Must have been a blockage
in the oxygen valve.

We'll have it checked.

-How are we feeling?
-Hungry, sir.

Well, didn't you eat
your tube of roast beef?

-That's what made me hungry.
-l'll see you in the morning, captain.

-All right.
-Get dressed. l got a real treat for you.

l found the greatest
Chinese restaurant...

...run by a Greek,
and the egg foo yung:

Count me out.
l'm gonna have dinner at home.

Really? How did you swing that,
old bachelor buddy?

l have a girl who comes in part-time.

-And she cooks dinner for you?
-Sure. Every night.

-Where did you find this treasure?
-l picked her up on the beach.

See you, Roge.

Think you could have this girl
cook for both of us some night?

No, no, no. You wouldn't like it.
She's a terrible cook.

Jeannie, l'm home.

Well, what's going on?

Jeannie, are you there?

Jeannie?

Now, what is going on here?

Jeannie.

-There--
-Hiya, master. How's the old boy?

How's the old boy?
What have you been doing?

-l've been doing nothing.
-Well, l know that...

...but l mean,
what have you been doing?

l have been studying the
'' Emancipation of Modern Woman.''

Oh, that. l guess you got
so caught up in it...

-...you forgot to do the housework.
-l did not forget.

-l decided to let you do it.
-Me?

'' How not to be a drudge.

Share the work with him.''

-Now, come on--
-That's what it says.

But that advice
is for ordinary women.

Now, you're not ordinary women.
You're a genie, Jeannie.

l mean, all you have to do
is bat your eyes, and presto.

No more presto.

You must not take me
for granted.

l never did that in my-- l never--

And besides, l'm an astronaut.
l'm not a housekeeper.

-You must widen your horizons.
-Yes, and you must take a little--

Here, l have a present for you.

Now, that--
This is going just too far.

Oh, no, you don't. No, you don't!
Jeannie! Jeannie, no, no, no!

Jeannie. Will you just calm down?

-Yes?
-Delivery for Mrs. Nelson.

Mrs. Nelson?

Where do you want these?

-Back at the store.
-l'll take them.

-Sign this, please.
-What's going on here?

A woman should have
the kind of wardrobe...

...that makes her feel successful,
alluring and irresistible.

The mink coat will arrive tomorrow.

Mink coat? Where did you get
the money for all this?

Chapter three:
'' How to Open a Charge Account.''

Well, l want you to forget
this subversive literature.

All those boxes go straight back
to the store.

l don't know how you think l'll have the
money to spend on this kind of thing.

Jeannie, l just can't afford this.

Jeannie....

-You are pleased?
-Pleased?

You're beautiful.

l may keep the gown?

ls it...

...very expensive?

lnsanely.

You may keep the insanely.

-And the slippers?
-And the slippers.

And the perfume?

And the perfume.

Thou art all heart.

You didn't learn that
from reading any magazine.

-You hungry?
-Famished.

-What will we have?
-Champagne.

Caviar.

Filet mignon.

-What next?
-Oriental.

Fresh asparagus?

-Baked Alaskan.
-Yes.

Napoleon brandy with the coffee?

-Well?
-Well, what?

-Aren't you gonna conjure it up?
-Nay, master.

No more of those silly little tricks.

From now on,
you will do the conjuring...

...with the credit card.

Why don't l order for both of us.
We'll have two filet mignons.

We will have fish.

-Don't you like steak?
-Lesson two:

''You must be independent,
self-reliant, unpredictable...

...without seeming obvious.''

We'll have two fillets of sole.

May l suggest a white wine
with the fish?

-A nice Chablis?
-Yes, yes. That'll be fine.

l will have champagne.

-Lesson number three?
-No, five:

''An expensive woman
is a popular woman.''

-Champagne, please.
-Very good.

Jeannie, l think it's very nice
that you want to learn more...

...about modern American women, but
a little knowledge can be dangerous.

Do you realize, master...

...that this is the first time
you have ever taken me out?

l want it to be
a memorable occasion.

l'll remember it all right.

l'll remember
how beautiful you look.

Well, that is because l am
having such a wonderful time.

Good.

l have not enjoyed myself so much...

...since the night my master,
the sultan Harun al-Rashid...

...entertained the great Marco Polo.

-You really met Marco Polo?
-lndeed, yes.

We used to hunt wild boar together.

-What was he like?
-Oh, he was a wild bore.

Are you sure you need this?

Oh, yes, yes. Pour, please.

For your pleasure,
the Tail of the Peacock...

...is happy to present a program
of authentic harem dance.

l used to do those dances
at parties for the sultan.

Performed by
the distinguished artiste...

...Sadelia!

ln my day, she would be
flung to the crocodiles.

Jeannie, please.

She has never been a harem dancer.
That girl is an impostor!

Jeannie, please.

She is not fit to dance for an audience
of camel drivers.

Be quiet, Jeannie, please.

l'll show you how the dance
should be done.

All right, lady.
Now we are going home.

She calls that harem dancing?

-l know, l know, l know. We're going.
-Not before you paid your bill.

Sorry about that.

Sorry about that.
Sixty-four dollars!

-That includes the amusement tax.
-We were not amused.

Neither were we, mademoiselle.

She moves as gracefully
as a dog scratching fleas.

-She is my wife.
-Sorry about that.

Here, keep the change. Come on.

That's the funniest thing l ever saw.

That poor girl.

l am pleased that
it amused you, master.

Where are we going
tomorrow night?

Nowhere.

But there are more lessons
that l have not tried out yet.

Well, forget it.
l don't think they had you in mind...

...when they wrote that
magazine article, Jeannie.

But l want to be a typical woman.

Well, woman, maybe.
Typical, never.

A woman, maybe?

l have been practicing
for over years.

You just better keep practicing,
young lady...

...because a woman doesn't act
the way you did tonight.

But your behaviour this evening
was absolutely disgraceful.

Let me tell you one more thing--

You still have a lot to learn!

Jeannie, l'm ready for breakfast.

Hey, how about conjuring up some...

...bacon and eggs?

Now, Jeannie, come on.

You might have waited breakfast.

Let's see....

'' Demonstrator wanted.

No experience necessary.

Sam's Discount Centre.''

-Good morning.
-Allah be with you.

Ladies, gaze upon the ultimate
in kitchen wonders...

...the Miracle Oven.

-Well, what about it?
-What about it?

Well, its wonders include
an a*t*matic timer...

...electric clock,
stainless steel counter...

...built-in meat thermometer...

...an all-new,
built-in Roasterama interior.

Whatever that is.

lt's just like all the others.

Come on, Pauline,
let's try the shop across the street.

Please, wait!

lf you do not fork over,
l will not have a commission.

Oh, believe me. Believe me,
this Miracle Oven is truly magical.

For instance?

Well...

...it will cook whatever you desire...

-...instantly.
-lnstantly?

l will demonstrate.

-lt is done.
-l don't believe it.

l will show you.

Did you see what l saw, Pauline?

l think so, Frances.

l think l'll buy one.

You wouldn't like it.

Now, really, ladies--

When you get home, it won't work.

Miss! Miss, l'd like to see it
bake a cake.

Yeah!

All right.

-What kind of a cake do you desire?
-Devil's food.

-Food of a devil?
-Well, chocolate cake.

With coconut icing.

Here you are.

That's fantastic.

-Do you know what it is?
-Sure.

lt's a fraud. She's a phony!

Pardon me, ladies.
Pardon me, ladies.

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Ladies,
will you please don't be excited?

lt's just some little misunderstanding,
l'm sure.

l was just pitching a demo, so they
would fork over a commission.

That discount store across the street
sent you here to make trouble.

-No!
-Yeah, let's go.

-She's not going anywhere.
-Yes, she is.

Don't let her get away!

You can't do that!

Jeannie.

You've been in there all evening.
Now, come on out.

Jeannie, there's no reason
to be unhappy.

lt could have happened to anyone.

lt could not have happened
to a modern woman.

You were right.

l'm a failure as a woman.

You are not.

You're everything a man
could want.

You're--
You're warm and considerate.

-Affectionate.
-Oh, master.

You need an outlet
for all that affection.

That is what l've been
trying to tell you.

-And l have the answer.
-Yes?

-You need a pet.
-A pet?

Yeah. You know, like a dog
or a cat or a parakeet.

-Did you ever own a pet back there?
-Oh, yes. Once.

His name was Sim.
The sultan gave him to me.

Good. Well, first thing
tomorrow morning...

...you run down to the pet shop
and get one just like him.

Or better yet,
why don't you fetch old Sim here.

Master, thou art brilliant.