01x25 - Bigger Than a Bread Box and Better Than a Genie

Episode transcripts for the TV show "I Dream of Jeannie". Aired: September 18, 1965 – May 26, 1970.*
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Rescued from a bottle by a U.S. astronaut, a scantily clad genie named Jeannie becomes his sl*ve and eventually falls in love with him.
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01x25 - Bigger Than a Bread Box and Better Than a Genie

Post by bunniefuu »

How is the water, master?

Oh, wonderful, Jeannie.
Just wonderful.

Everybody should have
their own swimming pool.

Get rid of it, will you?

Thanks, Jeannie.

lf you enjoy a swimming pool
so much, master...

...why do you not keep it?

Well, l don't think l could
explain it to my neighbours.

Oh, well, l will get rid of them for you.

No, no.
No, l like my neighbours. l really do.

Why don't you make
a little breakfast?

Oh, and make it for two.
Major Healey's coming over.

Good. l have not seen
Major Healey in a long time.

Has he been away?

No. No. As a matter of fact,
l haven't seen him much myself.

l think he's a little hurt because
l haven't let him borrow you.

That's why l asked him over
for breakfast this morning.

-Oh, there he is now.
-Well, l will tidy up.

-Good morning, Roge.
-Good morning.

-Did l get you out of a shower?
-No. l've just been in for a swim.

-A swim?
-Good morning, Major Healey.

Oh. Good morning, Jeannie.

-You're looking very well.
-Oh, thank you.

-Oh, thank you.
-You're a stranger around here, Roge.

l haven't seen you for two weeks.

Oh, thank you.
Has it been that long?

Sorry l couldn't make it
for dinner last night.

Well, l got a little tied up.
You know how it is. l....

Would you like something else
for breakfast, Major Healey?

l came by to tell you
that l couldn't stay for breakfast.

You see, l'm going over to the bank
to draw all my money out.

-What's wrong, Roge?
-Wrong? What makes you think...

-...anything's wrong?
-Because l know you. And l think...

-...l know what's bothering you.
-Let me in on it.

You're hurt because
l won't let you borrow Jeannie.

-Hurt? Me?
-l think l know how you feel.

And because you're a close friend...

...l'm gonna let you borrow
Jeannie this afternoon.

Oh, thanks anyway, Tony,
but l don't want to borrow Jeannie.

You don't want to borrow Jeannie?

l found something
that's better than a genie.

Well, l'm sorry l can't stay
for breakfast.

Captain Nelson,
what are you doing?

Taking out a , sir.
l'm taking it out this afternoon.

-You have a visitor.
-Well, Colonel Yeager.

-Hi, Tony.
-Very good to see you, sir.

Colonel Yeager was one of
the pioneers in the space program.

-l had a good airplane, the X- .
-What are you doing here, sir?

Oh, looking over
the facilities at the Cape.

And, incidentally, congratulations
on your last space walk.

Thank you very much.
Where are you off to next, sir?

Oh, going down to Panama to
look over our Jungle Survival School...

...and just wanted
to drop by and say hello.

-l appreciate it.
-Take good care of him, doc.

-Oh, l will. l will.
-l'll see you, Tony.

Okay, sir. Good seeing you.

-Hi, Roge.
-Hi, Tony.

Colonel Yeager was looking for you.
Did you see him?

Yeah. Did you mean what
you said this morning?

-What did l say this morning?
-That you had something...

-...better than a genie.
-Oh, look, do me a favour, will you?

-Forget l mentioned it, huh?
-Oh, well...

Give me a clue. How big is it?

Bigger than a breadbox.

Bigger than a breadbox
and better than a genie?

Well, l wouldn't say she's better
than a genie, but she's as good.

-She? Go on.
-lf l tell you, you won't laugh?

-No.
-l have a fortuneteller.

A fortuneteller.

Well, thanks a lot.

Oh, come on, Roger.
A fortuneteller.

Look, l don't blame you.
l was sceptical myself.

When she told me where l was born
and where l went to school--

She knew everything
there was to know about me.

Roger, you're an astronaut.

Now, your picture has been
in every newspaper in the world.

What about the things
that aren't in print?

Fortunetellers are the greatest
psychologists in the world.

They can tell by the expression on
your face if they're on the right track.

And if they are,
they just keep on going.

lf they're not, they pull back.

Look, you have your genie.
Let me keep my fortuneteller.

Sure. All right. l just don't wanna
see you get hurt. That's all.

-Where did you meet this...?
-Madame Zolta?

-Yeah, Madame Zolta.
-What's so funny about that?

l met her coming out of my apartment.
She bumped into me.

She bumped into you?
l'd like to meet her, Roge.

l thought you weren't interested.

l changed my mind.
Think you could arrange it?

Well, she's giving me a reading
this evening.

You could come along.
How about : ?

lt's a date.

Listen. She's really
going to impress you.

She already has.

l still do not understand why you
must meet this fortuneteller, master.

l would be happy to read
your stars for you.

Oh, thanks, Jeannie. l don't want
anybody to read my stars for me.

No, this is Roger's fortuneteller.
He thinks she's psychic.

And l think there's some kind
of a swindle going on.

Oh, but, master, could it
not be that she is psychic?

Psychic, my foot. She's a con artist.

-A what?
-She's a fake, Jeannie.

She's not charging him
for the readings.

That means she's after something
bigger. l'd like to know what it is.

Well, from what you say,
Major Healey believes she is genuine.

Major Healey believes in
fortune cookies.

-Oh, that's him.
-l will let him in.

Hello!

-Good evening, Major Healey.
-Oh. Good evening, Jeannie.

Major Nelson has been telling me
about your fortuneteller.

-Yeah, she's fantastic.
-Oh, l have known...

...many wonderful fortunetellers.

-Have you really?
-Oh, yes.

-My friend Nossie used--
-Nossie?

Nostradamus.

He used to tell me many
exciting things that came true.

They don't make them
that way anymore.

All right, we better be going.
l'll be home early.

l wouldn't be too sure of that.

You may get so fascinated with her,
you won't want to leave.

Well, l hardly think so, Roger.

-Good night, Jeannie.
-Good night, master.

l will wait up for you.

Say, have you heard anything
about NASA expanding...

...and buying more property
around the base?

No. No. lsn't this your apartment?

Yeah, Madame Zolta
lives right next door to me.

Oh, that's a coincidence, isn't it?

Boy, you sure are suspicious,
aren't you?

Come in, Major Healey.

Hello, Madame Zolta.
l'd like you to meet a friend--

-Major Nelson.
-Hey, she knows who you are.

-Sit down.
-Thank you.

l hope l'm not intruding, madam.

Oh, but you're not intruding, major.
l was expecting you.

And when Madame Zolta says
she's expecting you, she--

Oh, how about that?
Three cups.

-Major.
-Thank you.

And you take cream
and one sugar.

Hey, how about that? Do you see
what l mean? She knows.

-Remarkable, Roger.
-Major Nelson is a sceptic.

No, no, no. That's not true.
He just came over here to meet you.

He came because
he does not believe in me...

...and he was worried about you.

Now, is that not true, major?

Well, let's say
l came with an open mind.

-You are a Leo.
-Hey, that's right. How about that?

l'm sure Madame Zolta
reads newspapers, Roger.

You have a very inquiring mind.

You want to know why things happen.

That's true. That's true.

That's also true of millions of people.

And you are very stubborn.

Once you are interested
in a problem...

...you will not let go
until you have all the facts.

Oh, boy, has she got you
down pat.

l have prepared
your astrological chart for you.

l hope you do not mind.

No. Not if it's not too expensive.

-There is no charge.
-No?

Well, l understand these take
quite some time to prepare.

Doesn't matter.

l did it because...

...l am very interested in you.

How did you know
you were gonna meet me?

Perhaps l read it
in the newspaper.

-Touché, Tony.
-May l see your hand, please?

-Which one?
-The one with the scar on it...

...that you got climbing over
your neighbour's barbed-wire fence.

-The right one.
-You didn't tell me about that.

Well, it happened
when l was years old.

l suppose she read
about that in the newspapers.

Let us see
what the crystal ball has to say.

Oh, come on. Come on. Oh, you
won't believe this. This is really good.

Madame Zolta. l'm afraid
you're just wasting your time.

My friend Major Healey may be
a little more gullible than l am.

l've had a little more experience. And if
there's one thing l'm sure of, it's that--

-That's me.
-Yes.

The crystal ball holds the past,
the present and the future.

Yeah-- Hey, Roger, that's really me.

Don't touch it.

You will disturb the spirits.

Oh, sorry.

Now do you believe me?

l'm sorry, madam, l--
l must admit l was sceptical...

...when l first came in here,
but that's really amazing.

Do not apologize, major.

l have converted many unbelievers.

l'd certainly like to know
a lot more about this.

l'm holding a séance tomorrow night.

lf you care to attend,
you are very welcome.

Oh, l'd like that very much.

Can you...?
Can you contact the spirits?

lf the atmosphere is right.

Well, l have an aunt and uncle
l lost a few years ago.

l'd very much like to speak to them.

Uncle Jeff and Aunt Susan.

-We will do what we can, major.
-Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
l'm rather tired.

Oh, yes, yes, certainly.

l must say, l'm--
l'm terribly impressed.

l think that you will find the séance
tomorrow much more impressive.

-Good night.
-Good night. Good night.

Roger...

-Good night.
-Good night.

-Good night. See you tomorrow tonight.
-Thanks again.

Hakim.

lt was easy.

You really think you'll talk
to your uncle Jeff and aunt Sue?

Oh, it's a possibility.

lf anybody can do it,
Madame Zolta can.

-She's great.
-She better be.

l don't have an uncle Jeff
or an aunt Sue.

Oh, hi, hi. Jeannie--

-Yes, master.
-Well, could you come over here?

l need a--

-Oh, a crystal ball.
-Yeah.

Oh, master, do you mind if l use it
to look up some of my old friends?

Jeannie, it's not a telephone book.
lt's just a piece of glass.

But you told me that Madame Zolta
made you appear in her crystal ball...

...as a small boy, so l do not
see any reason why l can't--

Yes, yes, l know.
But that's just a trick she does.

And l think l figured out
how she does it.

Now, l need a photograph
of a man and a woman.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. That's good.
lt's a little modern.

Could you make them
about years older?

Yeah. That's it.
That's it.

Okay, now let's see,
what do l do fir--

Oh, here.

Oh, Jeannie, could you
plug this in, please?

Now, let's see.

Yeah, this ought to do it.

What are you doing, master?

l am putting my uncle Jeff
and my aunt Susan in a crystal ball.

Abracadabra, Zelamizoo
You're uncle Jeff and auntie Sue

lt works. That's really great.

You'd never think they'd been dead
for years, would you?

-No.
-You certainly wouldn't.

-Hello, Dr. Bellows.
-What's that?

Well, that's just a crystal ball.

Just a crystal ball?
And those people in it...

...have been dead for years?

-Oh, no. They're not real, sir.
-They're spirits.

Well, certainly you don't
believe in spirits, sir?

And you can summon them
any time you want to?

Oh, no, no. You see...

...this is an experiment
we're doing in the astrolab.

The important thing is that--

-Oh, major.
-Yes.

You just wait right here.

A crystal ball?

His aunt Sue and uncle Jeff
were in it, sir.

They've been dead for years.

Doctor, do you know what l think?

l think it's time
you had a long vacation.

l swear l saw it
with my own eyes, general.

The crystal ball is on his desk
right this minute.

With his aunt Sue
and uncle Jeff in it?

That's right.

Let's go.


Jeannie.

That's it, Jeannie.
That's how she does it.

Somehow Madame Zolta got
a picture of me as a small boy...

...and she puts it under the crystal ball,
then shines a light up through it.

Oh, but why should she go
to all that trouble, master?

lt's so much better
to do it the easy way.

Yeah-- Well, l don't know. l'm going
to find out at the séance tonight.

And l'm gonna take this picture
with me.

Master, l went to a séance once
at Cleopatra's palace.

And l remember, the medium told
Mark Antony that if he didn't watch out--

-Jeannie.
-What?

-Oh, general.
-There it is, sir.

Tony, what is this?

Sir? That's a paperweight, sir.

Your aunt and uncle aren't in it.

What would my aunt and uncle
be doing in a paperweight, sir?

They were there a minute ago, sir.
You know, major:

''Abracadabra
Zelamizoo

It's Uncle Jeff
And Auntie Sue''

That's very nice.

What have you done with
your uncle Jeff and your aunt Sue?

l haven't done anything
with them, sir.

l don't have an uncle Jeff
or an aunt Sue.

You don't have an uncle Jeff
or an aunt Sue?

l could start my vacation
Monday, general.

Will there be many people
at this séance?

Oh, half a dozen or so.

lt has been a long time
since l have been to a séance.

l'm afraid you can't go
to this one, Jeannie.

l'm gonna be busy enough without
having to worry about you.

That's Roger's car.
Roger, come on in! lt's open.

-Good evening, Major Healey.
-Hi, Jeannie. Hi.

-All set for Madame Zolta?
-All set.

Master, what does
this Madame Zolta look like?

Well, it's hard to tell.

She wears those big flowing robes,
you know.

Hard to tell? Are you kidding?

-She's one of the most beautiful--
-Roger.

Well, it's hard to tell what she looks
like in those big flowing robes.

We better get going. Jeannie,
promise me you'll be a good girl.

l promise you that l am
going to be a good girl.

lsn't she wonderful?
lf l'm ever elected president...

...l am going to see
that everyone has one.

Enjoy yourself.

l always enjoy myself at a séance.

Boy, am l gonna have
a big fat apology coming from you.

-Good evening.
-Oh, good evening.

Major Nelson, Major Healey,
this is Hakim.

How do you do?

l trust your arm is better, major.

Oh, it's much better, thank you.
l just had a little touch of--

Hey, l didn't tell her
about my arm hurting.

Well, maybe it's the way
you hold it, Roger.

Madam, l've had a little time
to think about what you did.

And, well, frankly, l find it
almost impossible to believe.

l am glad that
you're sceptical, major.

-My delight will be that much keener.
-Oh, excuse me, sir.

-Let me--
-Yeah, oh, it's my fault.

Let me introduce you
to other seekers of the truth.

-Major Healey.
-We met before.

Major Nelson. Miss Gordon.

-Mrs. Bates.
-How do you do? Hello.

How do you do?
My pleasure.

All of us have been brought here
by a common desire:

the wish to explore
the unknown.

Now there are sceptics among us...

...and l welcome them on behalf
of myself and those dear spirits...

...to whom we shall
soon be speaking.

-lt's kind of spooky, isn't it?
-Oh, yes.

There is nothing to be frightened of.

-This is your first séance, major?
-Yes.

l think l can promise you
an unforgettable experience.

l think, with a little luck...

...it'll be an unforgettable
experience for everybody.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Oh, that's quite all right.
lt's my fault.

-Please be seated.
-Thank you.

Yes.

-What are you doing here, sir?
-Major Healey told me about the séance.

l've come to meet
your aunt and uncle.

My aunt and uncle?
Oh, madam, this is--

Dr. Alfred Bellows.

Yes.

Won't you join us?

lsn't this exciting?

This is my third séance this week.

-How wonderful.
-Yes.

Dim the lights, please, Hakim.

Let us join hands.

And there's no one here but us
and our unseen friends...

...who will soon make themselves
visible to those who wish to see them.

l'm about to go into a trance.

l warn you,
no matter what you hear or see...

...do not let go of the hands
you are holding.

l am a bridge...

...into the unknown.

There are those here
who wish to communicate...

...with their departed dear ones.

l sink into the nothingness
of eternity.

We are calling to you, O spirits.

Hear us...

...and come to us.

You do not come.

Are you angry?

ls it because there is
an unbeliever among us?

-Boy, this is spooky, isn't it?
-lsn't it?

But he wishes to believe,
O spirit.

He needs a sign.

Perhaps if he could see
some of his departed loved ones.

Look, Tony, look.

-l see. l see.
-lt's your uncle and aunt.

Hello out there.

lf anyone recognizes
the spirits, speak.

Tony? My darling nephew?

Hello, Aunt Sue.
You look wonderful.

Hello, my boy.
lt's good to see you.

Uncle Jeff, how are you?
How is everything in the old country?

What did you say?

l said, how is everything in the old
country, you big bag of ectoplasm?

He does not mean to be
disrespectful, O spirit.

Oh, we must go now, Tony.
But Madame Zolta will tell you...

-...how to find us again.
-No, no, Uncle Jeff, don't go. Don't go.

l'd like to have a chat with you
about the family.

They're calling us back.

What? Don't they give you
a coffee break?

-We shall return.
-Please do.

l knew them in Chicago.

We will compose our souls
with celestial music.

Would anyone else like
to commune with a loved one?

Yes, l would.

Are you there, dear Herbert?

l think l can feel Herbert
coming to you.

-Herbert!
-Herbert?

Something strange is happening.

Spirits?

ls that you, spirits?

l've done it.

l've done it!

l've brought the spirits.

Hello. Hello, spirits.

This is Madame Zolta.

Do you have anything
to say to me?

Yes, Madame Zolta.

Look!

-Spirits.
-Yeah.

-Let's get out of here.
-Yeah. Sure.

Where's Dr. Bellows?

Oh, he's fainted.

Okay, doc.
We'll take care of you, doc....

Now, if you just give me a chance--

l still don't understand
what they're after.

l talked to a police-lieutenant friend
of mine...

...and he says that Madame Zolta
is a member of a ring...

...that's swindling people
in a real-estate deal.

lt seems that she softens up
her clients by telling them...

...somebody is going to come along
with a fantastic real-estate deal.

And then one of her confederates
steps in...

...and sells them
a lot of worthless land.

Yeah, but why pick on me?
l'm not rich.

Well, there's been a rumour going
around that NASA's going to expand.

Of course, that would make
all the property...

...around the base worth a fortune.

And they wanted
that inside information.

You mean, she wasn't
psychic after all?

Roger, you've got to stop
believing in crystal balls.

Oh, but they can predict
the future, master.

-Oh, Jeannie.
-Well, look. Look.

Jeannie, what's going on?

Wait a minute. What--?

Jeannie? Jeannie?
Hey, wait a minute.

Jeannie, come on,
let me out of here. Jeannie!

Jeannie! Jeannie!

You see?
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