01x29 - My Master, the Magician

Episode transcripts for the TV show "I Dream of Jeannie". Aired: September 18, 1965 – May 26, 1970.*
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Rescued from a bottle by a U.S. astronaut, a scantily clad genie named Jeannie becomes his sl*ve and eventually falls in love with him.
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01x29 - My Master, the Magician

Post by bunniefuu »

Boy.

Master.

Hello, Jeannie.
What are you doing here?

Well, it is almost midnight.

Oh, really? ls it that late?

l have your dinner waiting
for you at home, master.

l'm afraid l'm gonna have to finish
all this paperwork before l can leave.

l won't be able to make dinner
at home tonight, Jeannie. Sorry.

Then l shall bring it here.

Dinner is served!

Well.

Well, this is
really something, Jeannie.

You really are marvellous.

This banquet is fit for a king.

Oh, but you are a king, O master.

This is absolutely wonderful.

Oh, l am so glad.

Would you like a roast sheep?

No. No, not tonight.

l may even have a little
difficulty eating this.

An orgy with a harem girl at NASA?

-Yes, sir.
-l don't believe it.

l wouldn't have believed it
either, general...

...if l hadn't seen it
with my own eyes.

Major Nelson must've smuggled
her onto the base somehow.

Why, there was enough
food there for people.

General, please. The other guests
are probably arriving now.

lf you woke me up for another one
of your wild goose chases--

Sir, l saw this myself.

This time l've caught Major Nelson.

All right. Let's go.

Would you like some
smoked breast of peacock?

All right, l'll give it a try.

Do you think
l am a good cook, master?

Delightful, Jeannie.
Absolutely delightful.

And you are not angry
that l came here?

No, no.

l'm delighted.
You don't have to worry.

The daytime is dangerous.
Bellows never comes at night.

There's your orgy, sir.

Did you--?
Did you say ''orgy,'' sir?

No, he said ''orgy.''

Didn't you, doctor?

l'm finished in here,
l'll get on to the next office.

Just a moment. How long
have you been in this office?

Oh, about minutes.

And you didn't see a lady
in here with...

...a scanty costume?

No, but l'll sure keep
my eye open for her.

Maybe it was one
of the other offices, sir.

-They all look alike, you know.
-What are you eating there, major?

Oh, this is breast of pea--
Cheese sandwich, sir.

lt's hardly enough
for people, is it?

lt was all so vivid!

l saw the girl, l--
l saw the food.

And you'll see me tomorrow morning
at : in my office.

We're gonna talk about waking up
generals in the middle of the night.

-Yes, sir.
-l'll say one thing more, doctor.

The next time you think that Major
Nelson is guilty of anything wrong...

...you better have it in writing.

-l'll remember that, sir.
-Good night, gentlemen.

-Good night, sir.
-Good night.

Jeannie.

Jeannie, you can come out now.

Jeannie, come on.
l'm not angry at you.

You really are not angry
with me, master?

No, of course not.
As a matter of fact...

...l think it's the best thing
that ever happened.

l just came from the base...

...and Bellows'll be apologizing
to General Peterson...

...for the next six months.

l don't think we'll have to worry
about Dr. Bellows anymore.

Oh, that is wonderful.

l am so happy.

You have been
terribly nervous lately.

You'd be nervous too
if you had a psychiatrist...

...watching your every move
hours a day.

Well, now that the danger
has passed, just relax.

Relax?

With Dr. Bellows off my back,
l feel like l'm floating on a cloud.

-Now. Now, now, now.
-Comfy, master?

Yeah, yeah, it's great.

You know.... You know, after last night,
l really need a nap.

Jeannie. Jeannie, that's--
That's enough of the rocking, l think.

Oh, this is absolutely marvellous.

lt's-- lt's the only way to rest.

Everybody should be able to do this.

Say, there's a lot of room. Why
don't you come up here with me?

l don't have a ladder.

Well, hello, Dr. Bellows.
What are you doing here?

You're asking me what l'm doing?

The question is,
what are you doing, major?

-Well, you see, l can explain.
-Don't say a word.

-Sir--
-Just write.

-Write, '' l, Major Anthony Nelson...''
-Yeah, but, sir--

-Write.
-Write.

'' l, Major Anthony Nelson...''

Major Anthony Nelson...

'' ...do hereby admit
that l was seen...

...floating in the air
of my living room...

...by Dr. Alfred Bellows.''

Dr. Alfred Bellows.

-Sir, this is--
-Sign it.

There. Sorry.

Major Nelson...

...l've waited a long time for this.

But l think l've finally got you.

Yes, sir, this time l think
l finally got you.

Oh, you mean
the old levitation trick.

The old levitation trick?

Yes, well, l'm an amateur magician.

Well, you didn't think that l could
actually float in the air by myself?

You have a very
suspicious mind, sir.

That's what General Peterson told
me for two hours and minutes.

l don't care
what anyone says, major.

l saw a harem girl
in your office last night...

...and l saw you floating
in the air just now.

-Yeah, whoa, yes, but l said--
-l know what you said.

So you're a magician.

We're gonna find out just
how good a magician you really are.

And you better be good, major.
You better be very good.

Well-- The thing--
This can all be explained....

Oh, he is up to
something bad, master.

Yeah, you're telling me.

Would you like me
to turn him into something?

No, no, Jeannie.

l just hope he doesn't
turn me into something.

Like, maybe, a civilian.

You mean, Dr. Bellows
caught you in the air?

Yeah. Jeannie couldn't
get me down in time.

And before that,
he caught you in the office?

Roger, he's driving me crazy.

What do you think you're doing to him?
lt's a question of who cracks first.

l'll tell you who's gonna cr*ck first,
l am.

As long as he can't prove anything,
there's nothing to worry about.

Yeah, well, l don't know about that.
Dr. Bellows is no idiot.

Dr. Bellows is-- We were
just talking about you, sir.

l'll bet you were. And l was
just talking about you.

We're putting on a little show for
the personnel at the base Saturday.

A show. l love shows, sir.

General Peterson thought
you might help to entertain.

Me? Well, l don't really
do anything, sir.

-Don't be so modest, major.
-Modest? Tony?

You're the greatest magician
in the whole world.

You can do a little
magic act for us, major.

Oh, no-- Well, l just--

l'll tell General Peterson
that you've accepted.

Well, goodbye, gentlemen.

Roger--

-Master.
-Yeah?

Be careful, it is a trap.

Why don't you get yourself sent
to detached duty somewhere?

lf l'm not careful l'll be detached
from the astronaut program.

What makes you think
something's up?

Please do not appear
in this show, master.

l haven't any choice. l already told
him l was an amateur magician.

You'll have to be a professional
magician to get out of this.

l can turn you into
a wonderful magician.

No. No, that's just
what l don't want, Jeannie.

Saturday night l'm gonna go up
there as an amateur magician...

...and Dr. Bellows
won't be able to prove a thing.

Oh, operator, l'd like to place
a call to Cincinnati, Ohio.

l want to talk to Nestor the Great.

N-E-S-T-O-R.

That's right.
At the Palace Theatre.

Thank you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
l want you to notice...

...l have absolutely nothing
up my sleeves.

l take an ordinary walking cane...

...which l turn, by the use of magic...

...into a beautiful bunch of flowers.

You're a real amateur's amateur.

They don't make these things
the way they used to. l....

That is lovely, master.

There you are, madam.

And now for my next trick
l will-- Oh, yes.

For my next trick,
with your kind attention...

...l will make this
everyday, ordinary--

-Fish bowl?
-Fish bowl.

--fish bowl disappear into
thin air before your very eyes.

Bravo!

Jeannie, l haven't done the trick yet.

Oh, sorry.

Abracadabra, kalamazoo!

Jeannie, l would very much
like to do my own magic.

Are you sure you're ready
for show business?

Now, for my next trick...

...l will need my hat, please.

Sure.

-Thank you.
-Wait a minute.

You're not gonna
break an egg in your cap?

Believe it or not, this is
the easiest trick in the book.

l will now, with the aid of my magic
wand and a little bit of magic...

...turn this egg into scrambled eggs.

Abracadabra, kalamazoo, presto!

And here we have....

That's the funniest thing
l ever saw in my life.

-That is lovely.
-Did you see that, Jeannie?

Wait until l tell the guys
in the base about this.

You scrambled an egg
in my hat.

Oh, my-- Oh, my hat.

Flowers and the silk. Oh, yeah,
the silk. And the bag, right.

Please, master,
let me turn him into a frog.

-No.
-A bat?

Jeannie, Dr. Bellows
is only doing his job.

And you are only
doing your job, master.

Yeah-- Well, unfortunately,
my job does not include...

...floating around
in my living room.

Can you not say
you had an accident?

Then you would not have
to do your magic act.

They'd never believe me.

Really, that's too obvious.

Look, let's face it, l've got to
go through with this.

-l want you to promise me something.
-Yes, master.

l want you to promise me
that no matter what happens...

...you won't help me with my magic.

Oh, l cannot
promise you that, master.

l have seen your magic, and you
need all the help you can get.

That's beside the point, Jeannie.
l want you to promise me.

-Oh, but--
-Jeannie.

Very well, master.

l promise l will not help you
with your magic.

Thank you.
Aren't you even gonna...

...wish me good luck?

l'll be happy
to wish you good luck...

...but l have a terrible feeling
it is not going to do you any good.

Jeannie, please.

Thank you.

l'm afraid l don't understand,
Dr. Bellows.

-Oh, sit down, Mr. Nestor.
-Thank you.

You mean you brought me
all the way here...

...just to watch
another magician perform?

Well, this man is not
a magician, Mr. Nestor.

He's an impostor.

Well, if you already know that,
why do you need me?

Well, l need you to expose him.

You see, there's one trick
that he does that l can't explain.

He floats in the air.

-Floats in the air!
-Yes.

He calls it the old levitation trick.

Oh, my dear doctor,
that is child's play.

We use a mechanical
device for that.

Well, l'm well aware of that.

But there was
no mechanical device.

l checked.

No mechanical device?

That's right.
l want you to watch him tonight.

Tell me how he does it.

Don't worry, doctor. There
is not a trick in the world...

...Nestor the Great
cannot explain.

You have no idea how l'm
counting on that, Mr. Nestor.

Oh, the show is about to begin.
Shall we go?

Here we are.

You've heard about babysitters.
Here's a monkey-sitter.

Go around.

Right around. Come on, up and in.

Would you like to sit in front...

...where you can get
a good view of his act?


lt does not matter where l sit.

l can spot a phoney a mile away.

Tony! Tony, Nestor the Great
is out in the audience.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

l just heard him tell Dr. Bellows
he can spot a phoney a mile away.

-You gotta get out of here.
-You're on next, major.

Oh, thanks, sarge.

You're really gonna go out there
and walk into their trap?

l really don't have
any other choice, do l?

-You don't seem worried about it.
-No, l'm not.

-What's up?
-l am.

Or, at least l will be when
l get on this little beauty.

What is it? lt looks like an erector
set that got carried away.

Roger, this is what
we magicians use to levitate.

You're really gonna
float in the air on that?

And when Mr. Nestor examines it,
he won't have any choice...

...but to tell Dr. Bellows that it's an
everyday, normal magician's trick.

-And you'll be off the hook.
-Right.

You're a genius, Tony.

Come on, quick, buddy.
Come on, turn around.

-Good luck, major.
-Oh, thank you.

-You're on, major.
-Now, you remember what l told you.

l want you to wheel this contraption
in back over there...

...in the exact spot l showed you.
When l say the lines:

-'' l feel the spirits--''
-'' l feel the spirits lifting me up.''

-That's when you start the motor.
-Okay.

-Okay.
-l can go out and enjoy the show.

-Right.
-Well, good luck.

Ladies and gentlemen, l'm
very pleased to be here tonight.

l have a calling card, somewhere.
Oh, yes.

Right, yes.

Now, of course, no magic act
is complete without the....

The magic wand.

And l'm going to produce one.

He is no magician.

Be patient, Mr. Nestor.

l'll be right back.

Ladies and gentlemen....

You're not walking out
on Tony's act, are you?

No, major. You might say
that l'm walking in on it.

And now l want you to notice
a perfectly normal handkerchief...

...which l will stuff into my fist
just to show you...

...that the hand is quicker
than the eye.

Sorry.

What's this, sergeant?

This is the gadget that Major Nelson
uses to help him float up in the air.

ls it?
Well, you underestimate him.

Major Nelson doesn't need anything
to help him float in the air. Get rid of it.

But he told me to wheel it out
in back of the curtain.

And l'm telling you not to.
He's a major and l'm a colonel.

Any questions?

No, sir.

Now l'd like to perform for you...

...a rather spectacular trick l've
been working on for some time.

lt's, as we call it in the trade,
the pièce de résistance.

lt's rather difficult to do...

...and you must feel that your
spirits are lifting you up.

Yeah. You really have to be
in the mood for this.

You must feel that your spirits
are lifting you up.

Lifting you up!

Something's gone wrong.

l think he needs
the machine, colonel.

-Lifting you up!
-You're wrong, sergeant.

Tonight, he is gonna
float without it.

Well-- Excuse me for just
one moment, please.

Hey, sergeant, where is
my levi--? Oh, Dr. Bellows.

Good evening, Major Nelson.

l told you l wanted my levitation
machine behind that curtain.

Major Nelson, l have
a signed statement from you...

...saying that you were
floating in the air.

There was no levitation
device around.

Now, either you're going out
on that stage...

...and float in the air
without this device...

...or you're coming with me
to General Peterson's office...

-...and explain a lot of things.
-Explain a lot of things?

That's right, major.

How you float,
why you talk to walls...

...what made you fall in love
with Major Healey's safe.

Oh, l have a list
of separate incidents.

Well--

Now, either you get back
out there on that stage...

...and do the old levitation trick...

...or come with me to General
Peterson's. Which is it gonna be?

l'll come with you to
General Peterson's office.

Good. Now, go back
out there and say goodnight.

-But, l--
-Major.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...my next trick is going to be
to make myself disappear.

l'm sorry l wasn't able
to perform the trick...

...l prepared for you, but--

-l told you Tony was in trouble.
-He is supposed to float in the air.

-Jeannie, you gotta help him.
-Oh, but l promised that l would not.

This is an emergency.
lf he doesn't float...

...Bellows'll think something's wrong
and Tony'll get in all kinds of trouble.

-Do you really think so?
-l know so.

Jeannie, you gotta
help him this time.

l hope you are right.

Well, l hope you all enjoy--
Enjoyed the show tonight.

And if you did, please tell your
friends we'll be here next year.

Well, it seems that l--
l'm in the mood after all.

Oh, boy, what a team
you two make.

ls he not wonderful?

Mr. Nestor, l want you to
come up on the stage...

-...and examine this man.
-l would be delighted.

Hello. l'm--
l'm Tony Nelson.

He is floating!

What do you mean
'' he's floating''?

l don't know what l mean, but
what he is doing is impossible.

How could it be impossible?
l mean, after all, l'm doing it.

-General Peterson!
-There's no need to--

-Look, look! He's doing it!
-He's floating!

That's what l told you, general.

Oh, hello, general. How are you?

What are you doing up there, Tony?

Well, it's just a--
A magician's trick, sir.

-Mr. Nestor can explain.
-Oh, he is lying.

lt's been a long, long time.

There is no magician in the world
who can do what he is doing.

How come he's doing it?

Thank you, Jeannie.

l do not understand this!

So this is your expert witness!

Well, obviously anybody can do it.

-Doctor.
-Yes, sir.

He's done it to me again.

Oh, poor Dr. Bellows.
General Peterson was so angry.

Yeah, l know.
That's really my fault, Jeannie.

We've got to be more careful
with that door.

Oh, l was so proud of you.

You are a wonderful magician.

Well-- You're really being too kind.

You know, when l was a kid
l used to watch the Great Nestor...

...and he had a wonderful trick.
He used to take a seed...

...and cover it over with a cloth,
and a tree would appear...

...in the middle of the stage.
l never found out how he did that.

Oh, that is simple.

Well, hello, good mor--
Sir, hello.

-Good morning, major.
-Well, good morning, sir.

l thought l'd drop
these papers off for you.

Thank you.

-This wasn't here yesterday, was it?
-No.
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