03x01 - He Thought He Could

[bunniefuu]

You know, the boys are
upstairs working so hard,

and this popcorn will make
a nice surprise for them.

It's so easy to make too.

Uh, Peggy, you're supposed
to move it around.

Oh...

Well, gee...

Now it's not easy anymore.

Peggy, did you know this says,
"Use before May the th, "?

Marcy, if you
read it carefully,

it says, "Best if used
before May the th, ."

Boys! Popcorn!

[SIGHS]

Can you believe it?

This little treasure
was hiding in a box

up in the attic.

It was a wedding present
from Al's parents.

They gave you popcorn?

Yeah.

Popcorn and Al.

I made out like a bandit.

Well, Steve's parents
gave us china

and written instructions

on how to make melon balls
for their son.

It's the only way
he'll eat melon, you know.

Yeah, men are so fussy.

Do you know that after
we were first married,

Al wouldn't eat
unless his food was warm.

Okay, we've cleaned out
your garage,

your back yard,
and your attic,

so tomorrow
you're gonna help me

clean out my garage,
right, Al?

One...second.

[GRUNTS]

No.

Now, Al, I hope that attic
is nice and clean

for when mother
comes to stay.

Oh, yeah,
the straw's been laid down.

The trough's been built.

All we need now
is a little glass of bourbon

to put her teeth in,
and she'll be in,

pardon the expression,

hog heaven.

Hey, popcorn!

Marcy, I don't need you
to tell me what to eat.

You're not my mother.

If you were,

you'd know how to make
a decent melon ball.

Oh...

[COUGHS]

Mm! It's good.

No, no, no, no, no.
No more popcorn

till you put that junk
in the garbage.

Junk? I got
a lot of good stuff here.

I can use a lot of this.

Steve, look what
she wants me to throw out.

My hedge clippers.

They disappeared one day
from my yard.

How did you get them?

Bud!

Get down here!

What, Dad?

Did you take
these hedge clippers?

Yes, Dad.

You remember? You called
Mr. Rhoades up on the phone,

and I slipped over
and took them?

Well, don't ever
do it again.

I'm sorry, Steve,
he must've misunderstood.

Hey, that's
my car battery.

[LAUGHS]

Well, you can't
count that, Steve.

That was before
we became friends.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, the greatest thing
happened at school today.

The bus driver
had a nervous breakdown,

so we had to drive the bus
ourselves,

so, um, if anybody calls

and accuses me of locking
the driver in the bathroom

and taking the bus
on a joy ride,

now you know it's not true.

So, what is all
this junk anyways?

It's not junk, Kel.
It's dad's life.

And it's all in this
little box, isn't it, Dad?

You bet it is, son.

Hey, now, look at this.

"MVP, Pop Warner Football."

I was a little younger
than you when I got this, son.

"All-star Little League
Shortstop."

Oh, man.

"All-City Football."

Huh?

Then I met your mom.

"Co-ed Softball...
Participant Award."

"Rookie Of The Year
Shoe Salesman, ."

You notice
how they're getting smaller?

Everything about him is.

Oh, yeah, and I'm sure
you didn't have anything

to do with that,
either, did you?

Well, that's the end
of my trophies.

Gee, Al, what
a testament to a...

loser.

Thanks, Steve.

No, really, you'll never
relive this glory.

God, you must feel low.

I mean, I didn't have that much
of an athletic past--

Oh, come on, Steve,
you must have got

the "Running Home To Mommy"
trophy once or twice.

Well, if I did win one,

I'm sure it's somewhere
in your box.

The point, however,
is my life is...getting better.

I've got the best
trophy in the whole world

right here
to share it with me.

Couldn't you just
eat him up?

Nah, Peg'd probably
just serve him cold.

Hey! Look at this!

The book that inspired
my whole life.

Wanda The Preppy Hippo?

The Little Engine
That Could.

Is this my book, Al?

No, it's not,
and I can prove it.

Look here.

Yeah. "Property
of the Oakwood Library."

Uh, gee, Al,
it's a little overdue.

is past,
isn't it?

Can you believe that, Kel?

Dad was alive in .

I didn't even think
it was a real year.

Wow, what memories
this brings back.

Yeah. Eh...

You can't
throw this away!

Well, Steve, it's a book.

He certainly can't read it.

Al!

This is literature.

Don't you understand?

You have to bring
this book back.

Libraries all over the country

are suffering from
a shortage of books.

And a book is fuel
for a hungry mind.

Ah, books
are for idiots.

I mean...you can learn
everything you need

from a movie or a date.

Well, the world
needs bimbos too.

Al, just take the book back.

I've got bad memories
of that library.

Aw, honey, is that because
all the other kids were reading?

No.

It's because of the librarian...

Miss De Groot.

God, she was fat and old and...

fat.

I remember she had
this cup of coffee on her desk,

and she'd always be spooning
mounds of sugar into it

from a jar.

When she'd stir it,

it would make
these clanking sounds

like chains on a ghost.

A fat ghost.

God, she hated me.

[CLANKING]

Well...

young Mr. Bundy.

The devil boy.

You'd like to check these out,
would you?

Well, I'm afraid you can't.

Do you know why?

Because I didn't bring you
French fries

like the other boys do?

You're a bad seed, Bundy.

You can't have these books

because you are
consistently overdue,

you never have the money to pay,

and looking at you now,
I doubt you ever will.

I'll bring 'em back,
I promise.

You always promise,

but you don't follow through.

And that, in a nutshell,
is your problem.

Make a promise, keep a promise.

Yeah, yeah,
bake a pie, eat a pie.

Can I have the books now?

I've got a book report
due tomorrow.

You may take just one book.

Hey, be fair.
Can you eat just one pig?

You're a horrible
little boy.

You'll never amount
to a hill of beans.

And I wish that
on you, Bundy:

to be the failure you deserve.

And take that hand
out of your pants.

It's a filthy little habit.

Now, I'm going to let you have
The Little Engine That Could

on the basis that you might
learn something,

though we both know you won't.

Do you think anyone
can teach you anything?

Well, you've just taught me

that even the slightest movement
can make a fat person sweat.

Three days.

You have three days
to bring this back.

Promise you'll bring it
back on time.

I promise.

Oh, that means
almost nothing.

But if you don't,
remember,

I'll be waiting for you.

Boy... She hates you, Al.

I swear, one day, I'm gonna
take that bowl of sugar

and pour the whole thing
down her gas t*nk.

My life's gotta get
better than this.

That's when I first learned
that redheads can k*ll you.

Come on, Al,
that was years ago.

The woman's dead.

No one can eat
that much sugar and live.

Take it back.

Face your fears, Al.

Be a man and return
The Little Engine That Could.

You're alive!

And you owe us $ .

Wait a second,

you're charging me $
for an overdue library book?

Perhaps if you didn't ignore
the overdue notices we sent you

for the first years,

you wouldn't be
in this pickle.

Sit down.

You made me a promise
and you didn't keep it,

so now you must pay the piper.

For you see,

even the road to ruin
has its tollgate.

Now...will you be paying
in cash or food stamps?

Can't we make
a little deal here?

I'll tell you what.

Suppose I tape a doughnut
to my driver's license

and slip it to you...

You give it back,

and the doughnut just
mysteriously...disappears?

Could it be that you don't
have the $ ?

Could it be that I was correct

when I made and educated guess
that you would fail in life?

Could it be that the nails
that hold your chair together

are from the planet Krypton?

Oh, look. It's after .

That's another cents
you owe us.

Well, it just so happens that
I returned that book years ago.

I'd remember if you did.

You weren't here.

I'm always here.

Not that day.

I believe that was
the day of the big cake heist.

You were rounded up
for questioning.

Perhaps a policeman's
rubber hose

can get to the truth.

Wait, I'll just go
to the shelves

and get that book
and prove it to you.

We'll both go.

So, Mr. Bundy, what
do you do for a living,

presuming you're not still
in high school?

Librarian hit man.

I thought so.

Well, let's see. I...

I know I put it here
somewhere, uh...

Is that a duck?

The book, Bundy.
The book.

Yeah, maybe,
it could be, uh...

Oh, here it is!

The Little Engine That Could.

Boy, this brings back
a lot of memories.

You planted that in there.

Prove it, De Groot.

[LAUGHS]

A loser?

I think not.

So I paid a little fine,

I apologized, that was it.

Aw, see, Al?

You were worried
over nothing.

Yep, you're right.

Kids, let this be a lesson--

you can't do wrong
doing right.

Let's get this...

FEMALE REPORTER:
On the darker side of the news,

surveillance cameras
in the Oakwood Library

caught the man

with the most overdue book
in Chicago history

as he sneaked
The Little Engine That Could

back on the shelves
to avoid paying the fine.

Watch carefully in slow motion

as he distracts
and almost kills the librarian,

then slips the book
back on the shelf.

So take a good look
at this man.

He's been identified
as Chicago's own Al Bundy,

in this reporter's opinion,
a true piece of human garbage.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Dad, let me try
something out on you.

How does this sound?

Bud...Smith.

Yeah, Mom, we were watching.

Didn't he look good?

Well, Daddy, this may be
the most embarrassing thing

that has ever happened
to this family.

I mean,
we've been training

for something like this
all our lives, but...

you're never really ready.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Gee, let me get that.

That's probably either
somebody telling me

I'm TIME magazine's,
Man Of The Year,

or it's Steve and Marcy.

Hi, Steve and Marcy.
What's new?

Weren't my property values
low enough?

I'm glad
you got caught, Al.

Oh, I think
we all are, Marce.

You serve as an example
for all our young readers,

showing them they must
be book smart,

not book cheats,

that the hand of
justice will triumph,

even if it must
reach down

to the very bowels
of the Earth--

It was Steve and Marcy, Peg.

Gee, Al,
do you think this means

you'll be on
America's Most Wanted?

Daddy, why couldn't
you have gotten caught

robbing a bank
like Cindy's father?

I mean, at least
she can walk around

with her head held high.

Yeah, Dad.

As the lone carrier
of the Bundy seed,

I foresee some lonely,
seedless nights.

Family, first of all,
it was entrapment,

so legally
I feel vindicated.

And second...

so what?

Look, I know things
look dark right now,

but this is gonna blow over.

Who's up
for a game of Yahtzee?

Al, it doesn't matter

what anyone else
thinks about you.

I just want you to know

that this hasn't changed
my feelings at all.

Gee, that's nice
of you, Peg.

Hey, you want to go upstairs
and fool around?

No.

Hi, Bud.

Hi, Kelly.

It's Jim.

And Natalie.

So, um, what's for dinner,
Aunt Peggy?

It's Ruth.

Ruth.

Now, kids...

go ahead and put your bags
in the closet, next to mine.

And let's try
to cheer your father up.

He's a little bit down,

what with that piece
on Paul Harvey.

I used to like him.

Oh, now, Al, don't worry.

Honey, we've weathered
your paychecks,

we'll weather this too.

[SIGHS]

And, Al, I want you to know

that no matter how bad it gets,

and I think I speak
for the kids too,

we will not wear our bags
in the house.

Right, kids?

Well, not in my room...
I can't make any promises.

There, you feel better, Al?

Where you going, honey?

I'm going to pay the fine.

It'll break us,

but at least we don't have
to be ashamed of who we are.

[CLANKING]

Hello, Mr. Bundy,
I've been expecting you.

Hey, man, don't
Bundy that book.

You're quite famous, you know.

This week, we've had

overdue books
returned by mail...

with checks.

The children are terrified

and treat each book
like fine china.

Mr. Bundy...

you've become the Freddy Krueger
of the library system.

Miss De Groot,

does the word "sooey"
mean anything to you?

Oh, children, quiet down,
or you'll wind up like this man.

You know, Mr. Bundy...

I've worked at
this library for years.

I was eligible for retirement
three years ago.

You know why I stayed?

You learned to eat books?

You're a horrible little boy.

I kept this job
for one reason...

I knew I'd nail you
and I did.

Pat Garrett got Billy The Kid,

and I finally got you.

My job is over.

Today is my last day.

You know, it's funny...

I could have given you
amnesty on the book.

I would have for anybody else...

but I always hated you.

Is it wrong
to hate a -year-old boy?

No.

Not when that boy is you.

It's the joy of my life
to see you grow up

like I always knew you would:

a total and complete loser.

Today, when I get
in my car

and leave this place
for the last time,

I will be whole.

Your shame is my gold watch.

So you think
I'm a loser.

Just because I have
a stinking job that I hate,

a family
that doesn't respect me,

a whole city
that curses the day I was born.

Well, that may mean
loser to you,

but let me tell you something.

Every morning when I wake up,

I know it's not
going to get any better

until I go back to sleep again.

So I get up,

have my watered-down Tang
and still-frozen Pop Tart,

get in my car,
with no upholstery, no gas

and six more payments,

to fight traffic

just for the privilege
of putting cheap shoes

on the cloven hooves
of people like you.

I'll never play football
like I thought I would.

I'll never know the touch
of a beautiful woman.

And I'll never again
know the joy of driving

without a bag on my head.

But I'm not a loser,

because despite it all,

me and every other guy

who will never be
what he wanted to be,

are still out there being
what we don't want to be

hours a week for life.

And the fact that I haven't put
a g*n in my mouth,

you pudding of a woman,

makes me a winner!

No, Mr. Bundy,

that's what makes you a loser.

You see, you could've made
something of your life,

I suppose,

but you never followed through.

That's always been your problem.

Like I always told you:

Make a promise, keep a promise.

And maybe if you did that
just once,

you'd be a winner.

Thank you,
Miss De Groot.

As a matter of fact,

I'm going to start keeping
promises right now.

You won't.

Yes, I will.

[***]