03x07 - The Bald and the Beautiful

[bunniefuu]

You were great, Al.

Leave me alone.

Oh, come on, Al.

You know,
I really, really believe

that if you practiced
once in a while,

you could actually
get good at sex.

And, honey,

you don't have to hit
your head.

It's the one part
I enjoy, Peg.

It keeps my mind off

what the rest of my body
is going through.

Yeah, well,
take it from me,

it's not going
through much.

Why did I ever agree
to this Tuesday-night sex?

SPORTSCASTER: And that's it
for Monday night football.

[TV SHUTS OFF]

It isn't Tuesday, Peg.

You've done a bad thing.
You must be punished.

Oh, Al,
I just wanted it

to be closer
to your shower night.

[GRUMBLING]

Pretty brazen
when you're all satisfied,

aren't you?

Just because I scream

does not mean
I'm satisfied.

I was screaming

because my hair
was caught in your watch.

I didn't wake you,
did I?

You haven't yet.

Aw.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I just had sex, Steve,
what do you want?

Look, I think
I'm in trouble, Al.

I need help.

See, I was out
walking alone.

I couldn't face
being around people,

so I came here.

Al, just let me start
at the beginning,

all right?

I went to work today,

feeling good,
feeling spry.

The bank was crowded,

so I sent a teller
on a break.

I was on top
of the world.

Then I found this
on my desk.

"Tuna. Three for $ . ."

Well, it happens.

Get on with the rest
of your life, Steve.

Turn it over, Al.

"Minoxidil.
Hope for the hairless."

What?

You know
what this is?

This is the stuff
they give guys

who are going bald.

What?
Going bald.

Now, why would somebody
give me that to me?

Well, I don't know.

Let me see your head.

Ah.

Wait-- Oh, you
see something?

My reflection.

Then it's true.
It's starting.

Well,
that's like saying

Bette Davis
is just starting.

You mean, you saw this
and didn't tell me?

I saw it
and didn't care.

You're awfully cavalier
about this, you know.

Old Man Time's

been doing a little mowing
on your head too.

I know.

You know?

You've seen my wife,
my house, my kids.

I'm lucky my hands
haven't fallen off.

How can you accept this?

If all our hair
falls off,

our wives
won't want us anymore.

Well, there you go!

Look on the bright side.

I happen to love
my wife, Al.

Oh, God. What am I
going to tell Marcie?

What if she leaves me?

Who will have me?

Have you ever seen
a bald guy flirt?

It's pathetic.

Come on, Steve.

There's plenty
of popular bald guys out there.

Name one.

Mussolini.

Khrushchev.

Lex Luthor.

You forgot
the Elephant Man.

The Elephant Man.

Cool guys,
one and all, Al.

God, how am I going to
hide this from Marcie?

She's bound to look at
my head sooner or later.

Draw her attention
away from it.

Paint a picture
on your bald spot.

Learn to throw
your voice.

Sure, joke if you will,
but I love my hair.

Al, my mother saved the curls
from my first haircut.

Where are they
now that I need them?

Well, I will tell you this:

I'm gonna fight this
with every follicle on my being.

If you bend over,
you can signal the troops.

A sea breeze.

Oh, hello.

I see you're not fat

and don't have
an attitude,

so you can't be
looking for me,

but how can I help you?

We just came in

to see if we could
get some change.

So many places
have a rule

that you have to
buy something.

Well, that's
just for the homely.

Say,

didn't you used to play
football for the Bears?

Me?

Well, uh...

yeah.

I knew it.

You just have
those rugged good looks

of an athlete
in his prime.

Yeah.

It never goes away, does it?

You know, if it wasn't
for this darned bum knee,

I'd still be
on those Wheaties boxes

like you remember me.

But let me get you
your change.

Damn this leg!

You've seen that guy
play football?

No, I've just got
a soft spot in my heart

for guys who are
losing their hair.

Would you ever sleep
with a bald guy?

Oh, God, no.

Ahem.

Here you go.

Thanks, handsome.

Yeah, right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mecca is that way, Al.

Hey, how you doing,
Steve?

Well, better
than last night.

I just ran
into two girls

who thought I was
a football player.

Anyhow, I came down
to get some Minoxidil,

but you need
a prescription.

All I could get
over the counter

was this stuff,
Dr. Fur.

[WATCH BEEPS]

Oh, time to
feed and seed.

Ooh, I can feel it
working.

Smells like dog food.

If I thought
it would grow hair,

I'd put your socks on my head.

You want some?

No-ho-ho-ho.

Get away from me, Peg.

It's not Tuesday.

Al, honey, get up.

Something smells.

I think Buck
threw up in the house,

but I can't find it.

Oh, well,

it'll turn up
or it won't.

I wish you took that attitude
on our sex nights.

Well, I'm gonna go
finish my nap upstairs.

Get away from me.

Leave me alone.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

AL: Get off of me!

Oh, hi, Marce.

Oh, Peggy.

I'm so worried about Steve.

He's acting very strangely.

Last night we had sex,

and he wore a sombrero.

Ooh, the ribbed kind?

On his head, Peggy.
It's a hat.

Oh. Well, you've got to put
your foot down.

If I didn't, Al would still
be wearing the Walkman.

Well, that's not all.

Steve insists
we turn the light off

when we make love.

Well, that was one
of the few rules

Al and I both agreed to.

Peggy, I'm really worried.

Usually on Monday nights,

Steve and I go to see
an art film.

Instead, he took me

to an Elmer Fudd
retrospective...

and all Steve kept saying was,

"Isn't he sexy?"

You think he's having an affair?

Oh, don't worry, Marce.

Strange behavior in men

doesn't necessarily
mean anything.

The smallest things
upset them.

You know,
their favorite team loses,

the car doesn't start,

you lose your cigarette
in his pudding...

Well, I'm telling you,

Steve has something
on his mind.

So, what are you
supposed to do about it?

Care?

[LAUGHS]

Come on.

He's got a mother.

She broke him,
let her fix him.

We have enough trouble

keeping ourselves happy
in a marriage.

Come on.

Let's go shopping

and really give them
something to worry about.

Come here.

Bring my Dr. Fur back.

Bring the Dr. Fur back here.

[DOGS BARKING]

Damn dogs
followed me home.

Al, I got
some bad news.

Dr. Fur
has been recalled.

They determined it to be
% dog food.

Aw, Steve!

I paid bucks
for that stuff!

So you got taken,

butthisstuff
is the real thing.

Insta Hair?

You betcha.

You use this slime
twice a day,

and in two weeks,
Sasquatch City.

Ah-ah-ah.
Not so fast, Al.

This may not work on you.

See, the doctor
I got it from in the bar

wouldn't sell it to me
until he tested me first.

Sit down.

Did he happen to grab you
and tell you to cough?

Do you wanna know
if you're

an Insta Hair
candidate or not?

Ah, go ahead.
Give me the test.

Are you ready?
Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

[SCREAMS]

Good, good.

My head b*rned too.

Yeah, good.

Just stay there
one second, Steve.

I got a little test for you!

Al, Al!

Don't you see?

Where there's pain,
there's life.

You should know that
better than anyone.

Your follicles
are alive.

Bottoms up, Al.

Uh...

Al, you're not
supposed to drink it,

it goes on your head.

What the hell did you say
"bottoms up" for?

Don't worry!

Ah...

Don't worry.

Let me check
something here.

Can you still see me?

Yeah.

Then you're one
of the percent.

Splash some
on your head.

[BOTH MOANING]

I'm gonna
part mine, Steve.

What are you
gonna do with yours?

I'm gonna
grow mine wild

like a lion's mane.
[LAUGHS]

You know,
if we don't grow hair,

I'm gonna k*ll you.

If we don't grow hair,
you won't have to.

I'll k*ll myself.

Hey, guys.

What you doing?

We're growing hair, Bud.

They're
growing hair, Kel.

Why? They're old.

Who looks
at 'em anyway?

Yeah, Dad.

I mean, look around you.

If hair got you all this,
let it go.

Let them laugh, Al.

In years,

his head will be
as barren as your lawn.

What do you mean?

Well, Bud,
hair's hereditary.

So is hair-loss.

So you mean,

by the time
his skin clears up,

his hair will be
falling out?

Oh, Bud, my poor sexless,
hairless brother.

I am so happy for you.

Dad!

What did you have me for,
a biological experiment?

I mean, I was just getting
used to being poor,

and now this.

Now, easy, Bud.

Stress causes baldness.

Relax.

Who cares if you're bald?

You can always make money
selling flowers at airports.

I'll lend you one of my dresses.

Yeah, give me the one that says,

"Put 'em here, boys."

You know, it's gonna be
so much fun at school tomorrow

with all the kids
running around, chanting,

"Bud, Bud, head like a spud."

Dad, what am I gonna do?

I mean, am I gonna lose
just a little like you,

or am I gonna be like
Mr. Rhoades?

Bud, sit down.

I hope that when
you become a man,

hair won't be
important...

that a man
won't be judged

by what he looks like
on the outside,

but who he is
on the inside.

But that's not
gonna happen,

so here you go.

Oh, hi, Kelly.

Sorry I didn't
make you breakfast.

I was busy
prying off the pillow

that was stuck
to Daddy's head.

He's not growing
any hair, is he?

No, but a few hundred
came off with the pillow.

You know, it's amazing.

I mean, I saw pictures of Dad
when he was young.

He stood upright. He had hair.

Now look at him.

How's a woman to know?

You can't, honey.

Basically, it's a crap sh**t.

AL: Peg,

did you throw out
those hairs I had

sitting on the counter?

Sometimes,
you come up craps.

Um, Bud.

Sit down. I want
to talk to you.

Look, Kel.

I don't think
we have much to talk about.

I mean, after you painted
my face on Dad's bowling ball

and left it outside my door.

I was cruel,
and I want to apologize.

See, you're
not losing your hair.

Look.

Uh...oops.

Dad!

It's starting!

Mom, you don't mind

that I'm playing with Bud,
do you?

No.

That's why we had him.

Come on.

We'll talk about it
on the way to the store.

I have to pick up
some more Dr. Fur for Buck.

It's the only thing he'll eat.

His coat looks nice too.

Oh, hi, Steve.

Ladies.

Is Al home?

Yeah. He's upstairs.

Gee, you look good
in a hat, Steve.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, hey, Steve.

Stupid hat.

Let me see your head.

It's a graveyard.

Me?

A ghost town.

We have to face it, Steve.
This stuff isn't working.

Tastes good, but doesn't work,

and we have to learn
to live with it.

These are our heads.

Al, I can't bear
this burden alone.

Listen.

I've heard there's help
available for guys like us,

but I need to borrow
your shoe store.

For what?

Hi.

I'm Murray, and I'm bald.

ALL: Hi, Murray.

Hi, guys.

We will now
bring this meeting

of Bald American Dudes
to order.

Can we please bring in
our newest brothers,

brother Al
and brother Steve.

I don't like this.

It's like the day I got married.

ALL: Hi, Steve. Hi, Al.

Can I please have
my blindfold back?

Right now,
I'd like

to turn the meeting over
to brother Lance.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi. I'm Lance.

And I'm bald.

No kidding.

I'd like to open
this week's meeting

on a sad note.

Brother Herbert went to Hawaii
and forgot to pack his hat.

A hairy child
put a reflector by his head

as he dozed,

and, well, it'll be a long time
before he does his famous

"head in the bowling ball
cleaner" routine again.

[LAUGHING]

So I'd like to bring up a motion
that we send him

the traditional arrangement
of balloons with ears

so he'll think of us.

All in favor?

ALL: Bald.

Opposed?

Hair.

Motion carries,

Which brings me to
our thought for tonight:

Hair.

How can we stop it?

Now, I admit that, at one time,
man might have needed hair,

like in prehistoric times

when very large birds
flew overhead

and hats hadn't been invented,

but times have changed.

The point is
the bald are more evolved,

more intelligent
and more sophisticated.

So the next time
a hairy child comes up and says,

"Hey, let me rub your head
for luck,"

you just tell that child,

"That's not what
your mother rubbed."

So...let's share.

Who among us shall be first?

Brother Steve.

I'm Steve,

and I've been concealing
my problem--

ALL: Say it.

Say it. Say it.

[WHIMPERS]
My baldness...

from my wife.

I was ashamed...

[SOBBING]

But you have given me
the strength

to be proud of my hairline,

no matter where it may wander
across my head.

You're the greatest.
I love you guys.

[APPLAUSE]

Good, brother Steve.

Tell her so she can realize,

like thousands
of other women have,

that bald men are sexier,

more virile,

and aerodynamic.

Let's face it.

It doesn't get better than bald.

Remember...

a bald head says, "good in bed."

[ALL HOOTING]

All right. All right.

Brother Al.

Have you been moved to share?

Uh, sure, I'll share.

Let me share
this little tidbit with you.

You guys are nuts.

"Attractive, virile, sexy...

Women want you."

For what,
to check their makeup?

But you human flashlights
have really helped me.

When I came here tonight,
I thought I was bald,

but looking at you guys,
I've realized two things.

One, I really miss
sh**ting pool...

And two, I'm not bald.

Steve's not bald.

You guys are bald.

Really bald.

-watt, soft-white bald.

Let me say one more thing.

If and when
I ever do lose my hair,

I still won't be sitting here
with you,

because I have something at home

that doesn't care
what I look like,

accepts me for what I am,

and is always there
when I need it...

my couch.

[SIGHS]

Steve?

Al told me
I'd find you here.

What's wrong?

I was
just sitting here...

trying to decide

how to tell you
something terrible.

What is it, Steve?

I'm going bald.

And?

That's it. That's the news.

Honey,

I've known that
since the day

you got down
on your knees to propose.

Then you still think
I'm attractive?

Oh, Steve.

Of course I do.

Anybody would.

Well, somebody doesn't.

Look what somebody put
on my desk.

I put that there.

Why?

Because it was
your turn to shop,

and tuna,
"three for $ . ,"

is a great deal.