03x17 - Married... with Prom Queen (Part I)

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Last week on
Married With Children,

Peggy was excited about going
to their high school reunion,

because she was sure
she'd be named reunion queen.

Al was excited too.

Meanwhile the kids
are starving.

Peggy's competition
for the crown

is her old high school rival:
Connie Bender.

Al meets his rival, Jack,

who wants
to pick up the fight

they never had
in high school.

At the reunion, Peggy learned
Connie has bought enough votes

to win the crown,

and it looks like
Peggy's not going to be queen.

The kids are still
starving.

And now, Married With Children
continues.

Getting
a second chin?

Getting a second
forehead?

Gee, Peggy,

I hope this doesn't ruin
the reunion for you.

Oh, don't worry,
Connie.

Seeing you look this old
more than makes up for it.

Come on, Jack.

They're serving
the shrimp cups.

See you at
my coronation, w*nk*r.

She still smells
like a bunch of men.

Oh, Al.

I'm not gonna
be reunion queen.

I'll never know what it feels
like to wear that crown.

I'll never know
what it feels like

to have warm eggs and hot coffee
in my own home...

so you'll pardon me
if I don't feel your sorrow.

Ten bucks says Al Bundy
can drive his head

right through the door.

Oh, no.

Aw, hey, big Al!
AL: Eli!

How are you, Al?

It's good to see you.

Hello, Peggy.

Don't touch me, Eli.

Okay. No problem.
No problem.

You know,
you marrying Peg

was the only bet
I ever lost.

Me too.

So, what are you doing
these days, Eli?

I'm a psychiatrist.
What do you do?

A garbage salesman.

Ah, that's great.
That's great. Come on.

Say, why don't you say hello
to the g*ng.

They're sitting
over there.

I'm sitting
with the jocks.

Why don't you
join them, huh?

Oh, after you.

Ooh, and after...

Bundy! Bundy!
Bundy!

Al, how you
doing?

Jimbo.
Yeah.

Rick.
Yeah!

Ah...

Uh...

Speedy.

How you doing, Al?

[COUGHS]

Gee, Speedy,
you're looking great.

Exercise.

I'm a golfer.

You look like you could
still play football, Al, huh?

How do you
stay in shape?

Running from Peg
on sex nights.

Al. Al.

You want to see
something funny?

You remember
the nerds,

Tyrone
and Milton?

The guy who used to
eat his pen?

Look at him over there
with the other nerds,

still sitting
together.

You should have done
your own homework, guys!

Aw, eat your pen,
Milton.

Hey, Peggy.

Did you hear Connie Bender's
gonna be reunion queen?

Hey, Speedy. Did you hear
there's a new invention?

It's called breath spray.

Now, I'm gonna go try to get
some more votes for queen.

You guys just sit back

and reminisce
about being human.

Oh, and don't you do
anything stupid.

Ugh!

Don't worry,
beautiful.

I'll keep
an eye on him.

Say, Al.

I just happen to have
this nail here.

Ten bucks says
Bundy can drive it

through this table
with his head.

Aw, come on, guys.

I don't do that
kind of thing anymore.

I'm an adult now.

Oh, hey...

What happened?

Your head ain't as hard
as it used to be?

Huh, Al? Huh?

Place your bets.

All right.
Come on.

Well, the boot soup
is almost ready.

Let it simmer,
Kel.

I've got a plan.

Now, you know
what they have

at reunions,
don't you?

A lot of old drunks
to roll?

Food, Bimbostein.

We're gonna crash
this party

and get some
for ourselves.

They'll never
let us in.

We're under .

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll take care
of that.

Now, we just need
some information.

And I know the two
all-day suckers

who can give it to us.

Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.

Good of you to come.

You said you needed some help
with your homework?

Yes. Do either of you know
anything about ancient history?

Why, yes we do.

Tell us about
the s.

Well, strife
was rampant

because of
the civil w*r.

But then came
electricity,

and before
you know it,

Marcie and I
went home.

Come on, Marcie.

Oh, now, Steve.

Their little minds are
reaching out for knowledge.

Why, of course
we remember the ' s.

And, oh, what a time it was.

Incense and peppermints.

Young Republican meetings.

Yeah. We cared
about things

in those days, kids.

I remember protesting
the dress code

in our school.

I still remember
the principal's face

when we all took the pennies
out of our loafers

and wore our shirts
out of our pants.

And, if that
wasn't enough,

one day, I even put
a little dimple in my tie.

He's a rebel,

and he'll never ever
be any good.

We may be asking
the wrong people.

We're gonna have to go
to the library.

Well, there goes
another thing

I said I'd never do.

Well, yes, I do need
the votes,

but, um, I don't
do that anymore.

But could you
vote for me anyway?

Votes. Votes. Votes.

Thelma!

Thelma McKecknie.

Remember me?

Peggy w*nk*r.

Candidate
for reunion queen.

How you been?

Oh, I've been
fine.

I've pretty much recovered
from your stealing Teddy,

my high-school sweetheart

and the only man
I've ever loved.

Of course, you dumped him
a week later.

You stole
my boyfriend.

You stole
my boyfriend.

You stole
my father.

A-ha. Well,
just to let you know,

I'm running for
reunion queen

and I would really
appreciate your vote.

Ah.

I guess this is
a Connie table, huh?

Oh, Al.

It's no use.

I've worked the room
for over an hour,

and I've lost
three votes.

Connie's gonna be
reunion queen.

By the way, honey,

how'd you hurt
your forehead?

Um...

shaving.

This is never
going to work, Bud.

It's not Bud.
Moonbeam.

Tonight my name
is Moonbeam,

and your name
is Piece.

P-I-E-C-E.

Now, act cool.
Okay.

Groovy.
Groovy.

Groovy.
Groovy.

Groovy.
Groovy.

Groovy.
Groovy.

Bud, didn't they say
anything besides "groovy"

back in the ' s?

Well, girls like you
still said, "Come and get it."

Let me check through
my ' s vocabulary book.

Hey, bro.

Power to the people.

Free Huey.

And Dewey
and Louie too.

You know, Kel,

sometimes I think
I can actually hear

your brain
come to a halt.

Come on.

Love.

Aquarius.

Hair.

The answer, my friend,
is blowin' in the wind.

Turn on, tune in,
k*ll whitey.

Al, tell us again

about your
winning touchdown

for the city
championship.

Well, I don't know if I can
remember that much about it.

Let's see.

Uh...

It was November th,
: p.m.

Wind coming out
of the southeast

at miles per hour,
gusting up to .

Al, let's go home.

Peg, home is
where the horror is.

Now, I'm talking
to Hooter.

Vicky.

Vi-Vicky here.

Now, why don't you
go run for something?

You know, queen,
a man, a bus.

With grim
determination,

I strode out
onto the field.

Oh, Peggy.

I see you're
a little down.

Let me make you
feel better.

I'll only be queen
for one night, but you...

why, you've got your whole life
to be nothing.

Feel better?

'Cause I know I do.

[BAND PLAYING ROCK]

* What becomes
Of the broken-hearted *

* Who had hope
That once departed? *

* I know I know
I've got to find *

* Some kind of peace
Of mind... **

Oh, Mr. Bundy,
you are so magnificent.

[GRUNTS]

Did you really give up
a chance to play for the Bears

for your wife?

Yeah. I figured if I'm gonna
take a kick to the groin,

might as well be
for love.

You're a very
lucky woman.

Are you allowed
to vote for queen?

No.

Then shut up.

[PLAYS GUITAR RIFF]

Hello, everyone.
Yeah, it's me: Tim Potter.

You'll remember me as president
of the senior class

and now
of Tim's Mortuary.

Anyway, I know you're all
anxiously awaiting

the vote
for reunion queen.

Well, there's just
minutes left

for you to get your ballots
in the old box here.

And for the lucky gal
who's elected queen,

we'll bury you
at half price.

Of course we won't
bury you very deep.

You know, Peg, I'm having
the time of my life.

Being married to you,
I forgot how great I was.

Why, oh, why did I
leave high school?

You were , Al.

Long time between
feedings, huh?

Long time between lovings,
too, sweet thang.

Give it up.

You'd be eating alone
in a women's prison.

Andy? Lola?

God, you two
haven't changed a bit.

It's Milton. Remember?

I eat my pen.

Get lost, geek.

You haven't
changed a bit.

Well, I'm gonna be an adult
about this.

Connie's gonna be
reunion queen,

so I'm just going to
be happy for the old scuzzbag.

What's that smell?

Do they let cattle
in here?

Oh, hi, Connie.

Piggy...

I see you've got
a good seat

for my coronation.

We will need
a red carpet, though.

Can we use your hair?

Everything but
the roots, I mean.

Well, if you need
a rug,

you could always
shave your back, hon.

Hey, Al, I've done
a lot of thinking

about this rivalry
that we have

and I think
the whole thing is silly.

Truth is, I can't
think of a damn thing

you can do
better than me.

Well, why don't you ask
your wife about that, Jack?

All right, Bundy.
Bottom line...

you know that fight
we were supposed to have

after graduation?

I'm starting
to realize

that maybe you
didn't hurt yourself

jumping over that Mustang.

I think you
just punked out.

Say good night, Jack.

Sit down, mongo.
You promised

if I brought you here,
no fighting.

Oh, I'm sorry, Peg. I must
have got a little carried away.

Yeah, see, for a moment there,
I thought I was a man.

TIM:
Kids, get those last votes in.

We tally the count and crown
the queen in one minute.

Hey, Bundy!

[IMITATES
CHICKENS CLUCKING]

[TRIO IMITATING
CHICKENS CLUCKING]

Give a lady a seat.

Well, you know, Peg,
it's like I told you

on our wedding night
when you woke me up.

You sure know how
to ruin a good time.

You know, Al.

I'm not gonna come out
a winner tonight,

but at least you can.

You want him?

Go get him.

Let's rock.

Fight! Fight!
bucks on Bundy.

Good luck, honey.

And remember,
I'm right behind you.

Smash him! Crash him!

b*at his face in!

But, honey,
take your time about it...

'cause I got
a little something to do.

Kelly?

Bud?

Wow! The colors.
The colors.

No, you're just having
cherry pie flashbacks.

Ride it out.

I'm ashamed of you.
Sneaking out like that.

Is that the way
I brought you up?

By the way,

Bud, honey,
can you pick a lock?

Yup.

And a nose.

Okay, good.

It's this way.
Come with me.

[CROWD CHEERING OUTSIDE]

[AL GRUNTS]

What's Daddy
doing?

Oh, playing
with his friends.

Now, hurry up.

A pathetic little lock,
wouldn't you say, Kel?

Yeah,
a Jacobsen .

Single barrel,
two tumblers.

Why didn't they
just lock it

with a piece
of gum?

Tweezers.

Tweezers.

Have you guys
done this before?

No.

Graphite.

Graphite.

I'm gonna go see how
your daddy's doing.

[CROWD CLAMORING OUTSIDE]

You can do it,
honey!

[AL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Take your time, Al.
It's not sex.

How's it going,
kids?

Viola!
Oh.

Um, it's voilà,
Kel.

Hey, I failed
Spanish, okay?

Quiet,
you two.

Mommy's got
an election to fix.

[CROWD CLAMORING OUTSIDE]

Hurry up, Mom.
They're coming back.

Who won? Who won?

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Bundy! Bundy!

Dad!

Bundy! Bundy!

Bundy! Bundy!

Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!

Well, I knew
you could do it, Al.

Buddy, you just
bought me a car.

Here's a dollar.
Go buy yourself a tooth.

Oh, Al, I just knew
you could do it.

Are you okay, honey?

Well, actually, Peg--

Shh! They're gonna
announce the queen.

All right! That was
some fight, huh?

And speaking of fights,

it's time to pick
a queen.

You know, Peg, I really
think I need a doctor.

Shh!

God, it's always
you, you, you.

Why didn't I
leave you at home?

Let's have our four queen
finalists up here, please.

CONNIE:
I'm so happy
to be nominated.

Gee, I wonder
who it'll be.

Good luck, Peggy.

Good luck, Connie.

And our Polk High
reunion queen is...

Larry Fleishman.

Yes!

Throw out an anchor,
Fleishman.

I'm just kidding.

Okay, really...

the winner is--

And by a landslide--

Every boy's fantasy,

every mother's
nightmare,

Peggy w*nk*r Bundy!

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Bundy! Bundy!

Bundy! Bundy!

Me?

Me? I...

I just don't know
what to say.

Out of my way,
she-dog.

And now the queen
will dance

the spotlight dance
with her king.

[BAND PLAYING ROMANTIC MELODY]

Oh, Al.

This is the best night
of my life.

That's great, Peg,
but, you know,

I really think
I'm hurt bad.

Oh, honey, this is
such a beautiful moment.

Don't spoil it
with your whining.

You know,
I really am lucky.

Out of all
the guys here,

you're the best one.

Aren't you gonna say
the same to me?

Was the go-go dancer
in our class, Peg?

No, Al.

Then I married the prettiest
girl in school.

Oh, Al.

Honey, you know
what would top

this night off
just perfectly?

Oh, no.

Aw, come on.

You can't tell me
you don't want to.

What's that
in your pocket?

My rib.