03x20 - The Computer Show

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married... With Children". Aired: April 5, 1987 – June 9, 1997.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
Post Reply

03x20 - The Computer Show

Post by bunniefuu »

[DOOR SLAMS]

Well, what did we get?

Let's see...

marble, a slug,

and this quarter I got
from the blind guy.

When he turned
to watch you bend over.

Yeah, you know, it's amazing
how he sensed I was doing that.

Right, Kel.

Listen, there's gotta be
some money in this house,

so you just keep
a good lookout for Mom and Dad.

I'm gonna go through
their coat pockets.

Hi, kids.

[LAUGHS]

Gee, I'm really
glad you're here.

Has anyone seen my iron?

Mom, we've given up
on getting food and guidance,

but we need money.

Okay, kids, here's
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna
take this change

and throw it in the air.

Whatever you can grab
is yours.

You ready?

Okay.

KELLY:
Get her!

Hey, come on,
you guys!

[CLAMORING]

Kids, kids, kids!

Stop playing with
your mother for a minute.

I was just up in the bathroom,

and I had
an emotional experience.

You washed your hands this time?

No.

[LAUGHS]

Anyhow, I'd like to share
something beautiful with you.

I was up there
watching my little TV,

and I saw that they call
The Eight Family or something.

You mean Eight is Enough.
Yeah, that's the one.

Anyway, the fat one
they call "Dad"

had this great idea
that they all get together,

and, well, I don't really know
what it was about,

but the important thing is
they were all together,

and they did it as a family.

Now, it made me think.

See, we could
do more together.

For instance,

how much do we really know
about each other?

Uh...

Bud.

Right. Now, Bud, quick,
when's Kelly's birthday?

It was yesterday, Dad.

Hey, I'm sorry
I missed it, honey.

Happy birthday,
sweetheart.

Okay,
but we're getting away

from the point of
this family thing.

Do you realize that
we don't have a family picture?

Well, you know,
we were gonna get--

Ah, we were always gonna.

We were gonna get the picture,

we were gonna
take that vacation,

we were gonna
get the kids vaccinated, but...

something always came up.

Not today.

Today is gonna be
Bundy Family Fun Day.

We are going to be
the four family.

Only question is
where are we gonna go?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hi, you guys.

Gee, you look great.

And your house
looks lovely.

Anyhow,

as you can see,

Steve and I
are going to the beach.

It's a little tradition
we have.

On the first
sunny day in May,

we always
go to the beach

to shake hands
with Mr. Summer.

Yes, our little
summer tradition

is watching Al sweat through
his pants onto Mr. Couch.

Well, you're lucky, Al.

For you,
every day can be summer.

But I digress.

We really didn't come over

to throw our happiness
in your face.

Actually, I was wondering
if you could do me a favor.

What, grab
one of your wife's legs

and make a wish?

If you have chicken legs,
call me Colonel Sanders.

I know, baby,
you do chicken right.

Guys, I'll tell you,

if I had eaten something
in the last hours,

I'd be showing you
another little tradition I have.

What do you want?

Well, I, uh,

had a little fender bender
with a rather large gentleman.

So I did what any thinking adult
would do,

I threw myself on the ground
and screamed, "Whiplash."

Unfortunately,
he and his carload of children

did the same thing.

You know, Steve, if I hadn't
seen you do it before,

I really would have believed

your spine had snapped
like a twig.

I had those kids going,
didn't I?

Anyhow...

I forgot
my insurance card,

so I put the information
in this envelope form,

and I was wondering if
I could tape it to your door.

Why our door?

I pleaded poverty,

and to prove it,
I gave them your address.

Thanks, guys.

Let's beach it, babe.

You know, Peg,
Steve just gave me a great idea.

We're gonna have
Bundy Day at the beach.

Peg, what're you doing?

[SNIFFING]

There's a new odor
in this house.

Al?

[SNIFFS]

No, that's
the old one.

I think it's coming
from this envelope.

Hey, I smell it
too, Mom.

It's money.

But I don't recognize
the denomination.

Well, then it means
that it's more than five.

Hey, I hope it's a G-spot.

Honey, that's a -spot.

A $ bill!

Gee,

the nerve
of that Steve.

He didn't trust us enough
to tell us

there was money
in that envelope.

You know,
I am really hurt.

Kids, now, I don't
want you to think

that everyone is
as dishonest as Steve.

So to show you that honesty
is the only way,

we're going to
take Steve's money,

and leave a note
for that guy,

telling him exactly
where to find Steve.

[LAUGHS]

What a day!

We're gonna have
Bundy Day at the beach.

We're gonna
get a nice picture

like that eight family,

and then we're going to dinner!

Yeah, food! Yeah!
Yay!

What, you're hungry too?

Ah, what the hell?
Everybody eats!

Yeah!
Oh, Dad!

Dad, look what we did!

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

Well, we're here!

Well, Kel,

do I spell "man"
or what?

Well, if you connect
your zits, you might.

Well, either that
or "Mississippi."

Come here, Kel.

Yep. I hear the ocean.

Well, I'm buffed
and ready.

I'm gonna go
find me a babe.

You couldn't find a woman
in a gynecologist's office.

Oh, yeah?

Five bucks says I get
a squeeze before you.

You're on.

It's a sucker bet, Kel.

Because unlike
the dances at school,

this time I get to
take my top off.

Okay, everybody,

let's get together
for the picture.

Kids!

Damn!

I could've taken
that picture

and been home already.

Honey, take a picture of me

so you can remember me
when I was beautiful.

What, you're gonna
get worse?

Shut up and take the picture.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Did you get it?

Got it.

[CHUCKLES]

Ahhh...

WOMAN:
Hey!

You're in my sun.

I'm trying to get
an all-over tan.

Well, you're asking a lot
of the sun.

[SOBS]
Oh!

[SIGHS]

Okay, honey,
let's get comfortable.

All right.

Foot powder.

Yep.

Binaca.

[SPRAY HISSES]

Deodorant.

[SPRAY HISSES]

Zinc oxide.

Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

Bug spray.

[SPRAY HISSING]

Okay...

Here's a little something
for you to read.

[GRUNTS]

Honey, will you
put oil on me?

Oh, leave me alone.

Excuse me,

would you mind putting
some oil on my back?

Well, I-I'd be honored.

Hey, Al...

Look at this.

[SCREAMS]

I'm sorry,
he can't right now.

He's blind.

Really?

Wait till I tell my friends
I made a blind man drool.

You okay, honey?

Oh, peachy.

Al...

let's make out.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

Hey, nice throw, Chip.

Excuse me there, girls.

I didn't notice you there.

So, babes,

it's nice to meet
some cool chicks

on a hot day.

My name's Bud.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Bud,

there's a fly
drowning in the oil

on what will someday
be your chest.

Bud, go long.

Hmm, let's see...

who should I make
the lucky recipient

of what's behind
bikini number one?

Lifeguard!
Help! Help!

What's wrong?

I feel sad
every time I see

an empty spot
behind a rock.

Would you join me?

WOMAN:
Help! Help!

Phew.

If they can't swim,
why do they come to the beach?

I know that hand.

Al? Al Bundy?

Well, don't you
recognize me?

Marilyn Beamis?

Hey, it's been a lot of years.

It sure has.

You still look great, Al.

You work out a lot?

No, I barely eat.

What you been up to?

Well, I got married,
got divorced,

had a couple of kids.

In that order.
[LAUGHS]

Uh, kids, listen,
be careful there.

Don't get any sand
in the beer.

You know,

I think a lot about you, Al.

Remember those nights
at the drive-in?

Used to hide me
in the trunk of the car

to save that dollar?

And then it'd be
right from the trunk...

into the back seat.
Remember, Al?


[LAUGHS]

Yeah, those were
the good old days.

Oh, it's a nice day,
isn't it, Al?

Yeah.

Al...

would you do me
a small favor?

Would you make love to me
right here, right now?

Well, uh, see, uh,
I'm married.

Well, I don't care.

Yeah, but she's, uh,
right here.

[CHUCKLES]
Well, I don't care.

It'll make it more exciting.

Well, I'll send the kids
away if you want.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, Marilyn,

you always were one that
would go that extra mile,

but, uh...

I don't want this to get out,

but, see, I really
kind of like my family.

I don't think it'd be right.

Now, don't feel insulted
or anything.

I'd say the same thing
to my wife if she asked for sex.

That's too bad, Al,

because you are
and always will be

the one man for me.

Gary?

Gary Cain,
you still look great.

You work out a lot?

Come on, kids.

That's a real gold chain
he's wearing.

Oh, I hate the beach.

Ooh, ooh, oohhh...

Beach-blanket bingo over here,
babycakes.

Oh, hi, Steve.

How was your swim?

Well, the water's
a little polluted.

But invigorating.

Steve, you know,

I just couldn't
take my eyes off you

as you emerged
from the water.

The sun glistening
off your powerful arms,

your blond-- Uh...

dark hair framing
your powerful shoulders.

You move with the easy grace
of a jungle cat.

[PURRS]

Well, you know,
my parents toyed with the idea

of naming me Tiger,

but then the yellow went away,
and they went with Steve.

Oh, God, it's
a beautiful day, isn't it?

Oh, yes. And a perfect spot.

Mother Nature,
this one's for you.

[SCREAMS]

With you?

Ugh.

[SNIFFLING]

My bucket's broken.

Take it easy.
I'll fix it for you.

Thanks.

You're my boyfriend.

Great.

Uh, excuse me.

Hi there, I'm Bud.

Bud, uh, Bon Jovi.

We're doing
a rock video for MTV,

and I think
you just got lucky.

Really? I'd do anything
to be in a rock video.

And so you shall.

Boyfriend?

Aren't you cute?

He's mine.

[GASPS]

How dare you?!

I love you, boyfriend.

Want to play?

Hi, cutie,
do you have the time?

Not for you, tramp!

How dare you?

Boring?
Are you kidding?

You are one of
the most interesting guys

I have ever met.

So tell me more
about your life's work.

Well, my quest
for the perfect tan

started when I was only .

I came from
a poor family who, uh,

couldn't afford a tan.

Wow. You've overcome
so much.

I love you.

I give up.

Look, I gotta go over
and talk to this girl.

Don't worry,
she's my sister.

Can I come with you,
boyfriend?

Do I have a choice?

No.

It's like I'm married.

Hey, Kel,
want to go for a Slurpee?

Got one.

So, Chris, wanna take me
for a ride in your Vette?

I don't really feel like it.

Hey, Chris, want to take me
for a ride in your 'Vette?

Sure!

Gee...alone, Kel?

Yeah.

Neither of us
did any good today.

I guess the bet's off.

Yeah.

He's my boyfriend.

[LAUGHS]

What, Steve? What?

Oh, just thinking
about that moron

I smacked into today.

I mean, he saw
our Mercedes,

and yet he thought
we were as poor as he was.

He was willing
to take bucks.

Did you see the fluids

gushing out of
the bottom of his car?

A hundred bucks!

I k*ll me.

Excuse me.

Is this your Mercedes?

Oh, Steve,
I'd recognize it anywhere.

It's part of Klaus!

By the way, uh,

the guy with the sledgehammer
said your note--

"Gone to the beach.
Ha ha, loser"--

doesn't quite cover his damage.

Have a nice day,

and, uh...

swim with a buddy.

One stinkin' picture
with my stinkin' family,

that's all I wanted.

Nope.

Too much for you, Bundy.

Oh... Hi, honey.

Gee, I guess
I fell asleep.

I know.

I was kinda hoping we could
go swimming together.

I know.

And, you know,
if you would have even

laid a hand on that Marilyn,
I would've k*lled you.

I know.

I thought
you were sleeping.

Aw, honey, you know
I can't sleep

without my knee
in your back.

But, you know, Al,
that was very sweet

what you said
about liking your family.

Of course, it would have
been sweeter

if you'd said
that after your wife

you were ruined
for all other women.

Well, that's
actually true.

Well, we're ready to go.

Hey, wait a minute.

What happened here?
Another kid?

How long was I asleep?

It's Bud's squeeze.

We're gonna have to
have a little talk,

me and you, young man.

But not right now.

Right now,
I want a picture.

Kids, go over there
behind your mother.

Little girl, little girl,

could you stand over there
and take our picture?

All right, now,

pretend we're not
going home together.

Oh, man, just the picture
I always wanted.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]
Post Reply