04x01 - Hot Off the Grill

[bunniefuu]

FEMALE NEWSCASTER:
Yes, Connie, I'm coming to you
from Fort Lauderdale,

and we're rockin' to celebrate
summer's last hurrah,

Labor Day weekend.

I don't even know
why we're on,

because you'd have to be
a real no-life

to be home on a
picture-perfect day like this.

Mom, please.

Is this how I'm gonna spend
my Labor Day weekend?

Sitting between
my mother

and a pizza
with everything?

The holiday
got you down, Kel?

Let's just pretend
it's a normal day.

Get up on the table,
dance around,

and me and Mom
will put dollars

down your blouse.

Now, Bud,

not everything
Reverend Felcher says

from the pulpit
is true.

Ha, ha, ha.

Greeting, vultures.

You meal ticket's here.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Guess where
I have been.

Locked in the trunk
of your car

with a dead cat?

And no one understands

why I scream
on the way home.

Anyhow,
I was thinking,

how could we have
a perfect Labor Day?

And then it hit me.

While all those
families of morons

are wasting their time
going to the beach,

guess where we're gonna be.

No, not another
family barbecue.

Yes, a family
barbecue!

Who's going to give it
a "Whoa, Bundy," here?

Huh?

No one? Fine.

Oh, Al. Honey,
don't get us wrong.

It's not that
we don't enjoy

sweltering
in the back yard,

being bitten
by horseflies

and watching you scratch
your sweaty back

with our salad forks.

But, honey,
just once

we would like to do
something we want.

We can't do something
that you want,

and I'll tell you why.

Because it's Labor Day,
not Leech Day.

That's Christmas.

It's not Parasite Day.

That's Mother's Day.

See, this is a holiday
for the working guy.

It celebrates
all the people who work,

so that all the people
who don't

can live longer and
have more than he does.

So tomorrow...

unless, God willing,
I die in my sleep...

I get up for me
and celebrate for me.

Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day.

Gee, I thought
that was Al-oween.

I don't want to sit
around the house

all day and sleep.

It's like being
at school.

No, the difference between
here and school

is you'll be out of here
when you're .

Now, tomorrow your job
is to go shopping.

Why can't we shop today?
Traffic too light?

Because, if you were
paying attention

all these years,

you'd know that
Al Bundy doesn't barbecue

with day-old fixin's.

Now, it's your job tomorrow

to get me fresh meat,
fresh cheese,

and fresh charcoal.

And watch those chips.

I don't want you
getting anything

that says
"natural ingredients."

Now, kids,

since we're all gonna spend
the whole day together tomorrow,

today, get out.

Oh, and don't forget.

I don't want my ketchup
in those plastic squeeze things.

I want bottles,
just like the Pilgrims had.

I wish you could
have seen your father

when he was
in high school,

before all this happened.

As I recall,
they almost did.

I can't wait
to have kids

so I can
make them suffer.

And when they ask
who their dad is,

you can play
"Wheel of Father."

Now, Peg,

I don't want you to think

that I forgot you
in all this.

Your job
is very important too.

You get to bring the benches
from the basement

and scrape off
the bird doody.

Traditionally,
the job of the queen.

That, and k*lling
and eating her mate.

Heh, heh, heh.

Oh, what a day
this is gonna be!

Can you feel
the excitement, Peg?

Oh, Al, I've given up
on excitement.

I'm going for relief.

Which brings us
to a little promise

you made
just last spring.

Sex again.

Peg, we've been married
for years now.

Can't we
just be friends?

No.
I don't like you,

I just want
to have sex with you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, come on, honey.

You promised me that when
you were rested,

we could do it.

And besides,
the way you do it,

it's just like
resting anyway.

Oh, Peggy, I don't
know what to do.

Steve is
an unfeeling cur.

As you know,

my sainted Aunt Tuney
passed away.

Sainted, my foot.
She used to pay for sailors.

She was , and they
wouldn't come for free.

Anyw--

Anyway, I was
her favorite,

and the honor of caring
for her sainted ashes

fell to me.

And the horrible
cross to bear

of caring
for her $ ,

fell to her cats.

Oh, Aunt Tuney,
no one understands but me.

Oh, we understand.
You're insane.

Must you carry that urn
wherever you go?

She sleeps with it,
you know.

I can't throw stones.

Look, Marcy,
all I am saying

is that
it is unhealthy

for you to walk around
with a load of ashes,

while five moth-eaten cats

have a bigger Mercedes
than I do.

Damn nouveau cats.

Guys, guys, guys.

This should be
a happy day,

not fighting,
and arguing, and...

having sex
with our spouses.

So I'm going
to do something

that I wouldn't
normally do.

Use a Q-Tip?

Oh, want
some lovin', babe?

Anyhow, us Bundys are having
a barbecue tomorrow,

and I'm inviting you two

to share some of our
famous Bundyburgers.

Well, I suppose Aunt Tuney
would like a day

out in
the fresh air.

She got enough
when we rowed her

around the lake
yesterday.

Thank you, Al.
We'll be glad to come.

What can we bring?

Just the plates,
and some food, and some beers,

and leave the rest to us.

Heh, heh, heh.

Ah, this is gonna be
just great.

You know, there's nothing
like spending Labor Day

with the family,
and good food

and good friends.

Oh, God.
What a charade!

[SOBS]

Oh, God!

[ROBERT JASON'S "WHO'LL STOP
THE RAIN" PLAYING ON STEREO]

* Still the rain
Kept fallin' *

* While it pounds
My ears *

* And I wonder *

* Ooh, I wonder *

* Who'll stop the rain *

[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

[BANG]

PEG:
Ow!

This is heavy.

Can you
give me a hand?

Thanks, Al.
I can take it from here.

Peg, I told ya,
I've got to conserve my energy

if you expect sex tonight.

Sex tonight?

My legs are aching,
my head is k*lling me,

and I feel queasy.

I feel like I already
had sex with you.

So just forget
about tonight.

When this day is over,

I am going upstairs
and sleep for a week.

This is the worst day
of my life.

Lugging and scrubbing.
Pushing and pulling.

Dragging and hauling.

Washing and wiping.

God!

My back aches.

My front aches.
Oh!

You know, I could die
from this.

God, I'm so tired.

All right,
now what little dirty job

do you have for me?

Oh, no.

Oh...

PEG:
I'm so tired!

I hate you, Al.

I really,
really hate you.

You know,
a gentleman would've said,

"Thanks for
the good time, babe.

Let me clean that bird doody
while you rest."

But not you.
You are a pig, Al.

And my arms
are k*lling me.

Scrub harder.

Oh, it still
won't come off.

Somebody help me.

Don't just sit there.
Do something.

Oh!

Oh!

No!

God!

I'm so tired!

No!

[GASPING]
Water.

* And I wonder *

* Whoa, I wonder *

* Who'll stop the rain *

Hey, babe.

[WEAKLY]
Water.

No time for that
now, babe.

Got to get ready
for the barbecue.

Oh, listen. Honey,
don't touch my grill.

It's filthy, Al.

Don't you want me to
lick it clean

so we can
have sex again?

No. I like it
just the way it is.

Last year's grease
on the grill,

last year's ashes
on the bottom.

That's what makes
the Bundyburger special.

Oh, honey,

would you
clean up that spot

that your hair made when it
got caught on that nail?

I feel good,
don't you?

Ha, ha, ha!

I hate barbecues.

I hate Labor Day.

And I hate watching
buzzards circle

while I'm having sex.

[GASPS]

Oh!

He's gonna k*ll me.

Where--?
Where am I gonna get ashes?

Uh...

Oh.

[WHISPERS]
Okay. Okay, okay.

She's turning
into Grandma

before
our very eyes.

Kids, kids...

Mommy needs
a little help.

You see,

I accidentally knocked
over Daddy's barbecue

and lost his ashes.

[BOTH GASP]

Well, I guess you're
out of here, then, huh, Mom?

Bud, you're the woman
of the house now.

No, I don't think it's
gonna get to that.

You see,
Daddy doesn't know yet.

And we have one thing
going in our favor.

Every other family
on the block

is having a good time
away from home,

except us.

That means it's open season
on their houses.

So I want you
to check barbecues,

fireplaces,
and ovens for ashes.

Oh, whoever goes
to the McGintys,

bring me a Dr. Pepper.

Ha, ha!
Hurry up!

[UNDER BREATH]
Oh, boy.

God.

I can't stand this
anymore!

AL:
I can.

Come to Daddy!

Oh.

[SOBS]

I hate Labor Day so much.

Did you get the ashes?

A piece of cake.

You know, you can
learn a lot about a person

going through their house.

You know, Mr. Collins
who lives down the block?

He must be
a real stud.

I mean, he's a bachelor,

but his whole closet

is filled
with women's clothing.

Pretty fancy thinking
for a dullard, eh, Mom?

Well, we got
the groceries.

Ah.

Thanks so much
for inviting us

and letting us
pay for it.

I have $ . left

if you need something
to get the fire going.

You know, Steve,
before we eat,

I'm just going to check
on Aunt Tuney.

Marcy...

she's dead.

Gone, fried, dust.

Paying sailors in hell.

You know, Aunt Tuney
never liked you.

She didn't like anything

that didn't rub its face
back and forth

across her pot belly.

Then why didn't
she like you?

Mom, we're hungry,

and your underwear's
under the table.

Where's Dad?

Uh, he's getting
ready, honey.

And you know
what that means.

[***]

[GEORGE THOROGOOD
AND THE DESTROYERS'
"BAD TO THE BONE" PLAYS]

* On the day I was born *

* The nurses all
Gathered 'round *

* They gazed in wide wonder *

* At the joy they had found *

* The head nurse spoke up *

* Said "Leave this one alone" *

* She could tell right away *

* That I was bad to the bone *

* Bad to the bone *

* Bad to the bone *

* B-B-B-B-Bad *

* B-B-B-B-Bad *

* B-B-B-B-Bad *

* Bad to the bone *

[MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY]

Let's cook.

Finally,
we can eat.

Not quite yet.

Labor Day.

What does it mean
to us?

To answer
that question,

we must hark back
to earlier times.

You see, kids,

while the cavewoman
sat around getting fat,

smoking cigarettes,

and watching
the Phil Java Man show,

the caveman
braved the elements,

risking life and limb

and the prehistoric beasts

with only the hair
on his back for protection.

In , Columbus brought
Labor Day to America.

And the women
still did nothing!

And that's what Labor Day
means to me.

May we eat now?

Not quite yet.

What other t*rture

can he possibly
inflict on us?

* O'er the land
Of the free *

* And the home
Of the brave *

And the burgers
take the field.

In exactly minutes
and seven seconds,

you're going
to sink your teeth

in the best burger

they ever yanked
out of a cow.

Ooh, Al, you make it
sound so good,

but Marcy and I
rarely eat red meat.

So would you mind fixing up
this salmon I brought?

Oh. No problem.

No fish will ever
touch my grill.

Well, we still have
three minutes

before we have
to turn the burgers.

Come on, Peg.
This is your lucky day.

Look! It's open, Al.

Really, it's open,
and it wasn't hard at all.

Really.
Oh, no!

[SNIFFS]

Ah!

What happened
to my fish?

Oh. Well, it fell
on the ground. Eat up.

Well?

Mm-mm!
The greatest, Dad.

Delicious.

Peg?

[WHINING,
QUIETLY SOBBING]

Oh, not that. No.

I meant,
how's your burger?

I know what you want.

You want me to say
it's tough and chewy

so you can have your way
with me again.

Well, it's not.

It's light and fluffy
and melts in my mouth.

Ha!

Steve,

how's your burger?

You know,
I hate to admit it,

but this is the best burger
I've ever had.

What's your secret?

I sneak over to
the nudie place

a couple of times a month

in order to make it
through life.

No. I meant
about your burgers.

Oh! Oh. The secret's
in the ashes, Steve.

See, I never
clean my grill.

Ashes from the past

for burgers
of the future.

Marcy, you're not eating.

How can I eat with you
talking about ashes?

It only makes me think
of my poor Aunt Tuney

up on the mantle
over our fireplace

in her little urn.

Um...excuse me,
but what did you say

was in the little urn
above your fireplace?

The ashes
of my dead aunt.

Bud, can I talk to you
for a second?

Mm!

[WHISPERS]

[GAGS]

[WHISPERS]

[GAGS]

[WHISPERS]

Marcy, come on.
You're not eating any.

Take a bite.
You'll like it.

Uh, Marcy--

Shut up, ghoul.

Alrighty.

Mm!

These are quite good.

Mm.
You know, Al,

I'm sorry to be
such a party poop.

It's just that
I loved my aunt very much.

Mm!
These are delicious!

But Aunt Tuney meant
so much to me.

I know she did, Marce,

but sometimes we've got to
put the dead behind us.

Mm!

Aunt Tuney loved
a good barbecue.

I only wish she could
be with us right now.

If it's any
comfort to you, Marce,

I'm sure she's
with us in spirit.

Mm-- Mm--

[SPITS]

Bone. Mm.

But if she was here,

I'm sure she'd be saying

just what
we're saying now:

These are the best burgers
this side of heaven.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.