04x03 - Buck Saves the Day

[bunniefuu]

Honey, just how long
are you gonna be home for?

Two glorious,
foot-picking days.

Well,
pace yourself, dear.

You know, if you pick
too much today,

you'll have nothing left
to pick tomorrow.

And you know
how we all look forward

to your annual ear,
nose and tooth medley.

You know, it's a shame
you don't have another arm.

Then you could just sorta
get 'em all goin' at once.

You know, Peg,
if you'd wash my socks,

they might not adhere
to my feet.

Great, Dad.

[QUIETLY]
Thanks for the great time.

Oh,
Daddy.

You're home.

I, um...
I got up early

so I could get you
theSunday paper.

Where is it?

Where's what?

Gee, Kel.

You're wearin'
the same dress

you wore out for
your date last night.

How does it keep its shape in
the glove compartment of a car?

Oh, go kiss
your Stridex pad.

Now,
wait a minute.

Is everybody
gonna be home today?

Not me.

I've gotta get some money
for tickets

to the Oozing Meat concert
tomorrow.

So I've gotta
roll up my sleeves

and work really hard
to get this money.

[WEEPING]
Oh, Daddy, can I have
the money, please?!

All the kids are going,
and it's only $ !

[WEEPING]
Then I'm afraid that
you can't go, pumpkin!

Mommy, can I have the money?

All the kids
are going.

Crying only works
on men, dear.

Well, there aren't
any more in the room.

Oh, I gotta get that money,
but I don't know how.

Ugh,
my head hurts.

I have to rest.

[SIGHS]

Come on, Kel.

Just do like I do:
Use your wits.

I do.

I said "wits."

With a W.

Mommy, he's spelling
at me again.

Stop taxing
your sister, Bud.

I don't know what you're
so happy about, warthog.

You need money
for tickets too.

Au contraire,
boy-go-round.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I have my ticket.

How?

Hello,
Mr. Bundy.

We're ready
to go camping.

Well,
have a good time.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

What now?

You're taking us
camping, Bundy.

We own you.

We bought you
in an auction.

See?

"Go a-campin' and a-trappin'
with Al Dan'l Bundy"?

Bud, did you sell your dad?

Well, you were the only thing
in this house we could spare.

Honey, this will be great
for the kids.

A-campin' and a-trappin',

a-pickin' and a-flickin'.

You know, you can have
a toe jamboree.

Hey, Al.

Well, hi, there,
neighborhood tykes.

Hey, it's the guy who gives us
potatoes on Halloween.

Steve,
look what Bud did.

"Wilderness man and trapper.
Learn how to survive."

Bundy's tryin' to weasel
out of the deal.

How can you disappoint
these kids, Al?

Look at their innocent
little faces.

Tell you what.

I'll take ya,
little fellas.

ALL:
Yeah!

But you're not the great-great-
grandson of Dan'l Bundy.

That's true.

My ancestors
could read and write.

Aw, come on, Al.

If you trap too many b'ars
to carry home, I'll help ya.

I would rather slam
my nose in a car door.

I would rather have
a proctologist named Dr. Hook.

I would rather watch
Roseanne Barr do a striptease

than take these little
booger-machines camping.

Well, good, honey.
Then we can spend

the whole day
together snuggling.

Up, campers!

Let's go get us
some gear,

chip in for gas,

and get me
the hell outta here.

[CAMPERS CHEER]

Have a good time,
Dad.

Uh, not so fast,
Dan'l Jr.

See, if I'm a-goin',
you're a-goin'.

The only difference is...

I'm a-comin' back.

Ah, the great outdoors.

This is camping.

Isn't this great?

Just smell that air.

I was markin'
our territory.

I'm glad you're
in a jovial mood.

You fall asleep
at the wheel,

you roll the van,
you lose our supplies,

and, thanks to you,
we're gonna die.

I want my mommy.

Yeah, so does
your dad's brother.

Al, that is not the way
to keep a child's spirits up.

You have
to keep children busy.

Involve them
with something.

Okay, kids...
with me, right here.

Help!

ALL:
Help!

Help!

[SIGHS]

Isn't this nice?

The whole house
to ourselves.

Wish it could
always be like this.

No noses to wipe,
no tears to dry,

no one to send
to their rooms.

It is so nice
without Al.

Mrs. Rhoades,
you look lovely tonight.

Why, thank you, dear.

Can you give me $
so I can go to a rock concert?

I wouldn't give
my own daughter $ .

Hopefully I'll like her.

Kelly, how many times
have I told you?

Mommy's friends are
to loan Mommy money.

My life is over.

I might as well
be her.

Oh, honey, just do
what I used to do.

Push your way
to the limo

and tell
the road manager,

"It's worth letting
me in, ask anybody."

Then if anybody
touches you,

scream, "Jailbait!"

Kids today.

I cannot wait
till the girls get here.

I remember
my mother used to have

her friends over
to play cards.

She'd put out the food.

I'd serve it.

But I didn't mind.

I just loved listening
to them talk about...

how I'd never grow breasts...

...how I'd never get a guy...

how my pelvis didn't stand
a chance during childbirth.

Then they'd all laugh.

After the rum cake kicked in,

Mom would pretend
to lose me to Mrs. Hampe,

the woman that could
never stop sweating.

Yes, well, it was
traumatic then,

but looking back
on it now,

I realize...

God, I hate
my mother.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh...that's probably
Louise and Fern.

Just breathe into a bag
for a minute.

I'll get the door.

Oh.

Hi!

Girl, did you see that
new checker at the mini-mart?

Woo!

He can work his way
through this college.

Pick a place
and park it.

The night is young,
the men are gone,

the game is poker,
and the only thing wild is me.

Kelly, you wanna join us?

Sure, why not?

Look what my life has become.

Playing cards
with a bunch of sea hags.

You've all lost weight.

Oh!
Oh!

So glad
you noticed.

Have you ever
played before?

Just with
the guys.

Well, ante up.

I-I see you play
how we youngsters play...

With our clothes on.

Actually, honey,
we play for money.

Well, then,
count me out.

I have to save
my money for--

[MONEY RUSTLING]

Well, maybe
just one hand.

Okay, great.

Now, who's got change
for a dollar?

I wanna cash
Al's paycheck.

Fire's lit.

Tell us
a scary story, Dan'l.

Okey-dokey.

[CHUCKLES]

Kids, gather round
the flashlight.

Now...

Once upon a time,
there was a young boy,

a boy full of hope.

He was single...

thus he was happy.

Then one night,
much like tonight,

something rose
from the swamp.

He heard a noise behind him.

Thump, thump.
Thump, thump.

He walked a little faster.

Thump, thump.
Thump, thump.

Then he saw it.

And there,
in the light of a bar,

stood the evil...

redheaded...

high-heeled spandex monster.

He ran from it.

He stood it up,
he dated others,

but nothing could stop it!

He could hear its wild call...

[EFFEMINATELY]
"Oh, honey?

Honey."

It was horrible.

Finally...it trapped him.

Opened--
Opened its hideous mouth,

bared its fangs, and said...

[EFFEMINATELY]
"Marry me?"

And did
he marry it, Dan'l?

Yes, I'm afraid he did.

And he was never
heard from again.

But the worst of it is...

there's still
some of them out there.

There might be one
behind that tree!

[CAMPERS SCREAM]

Then again,
there might not be.

But beware.

Wherever a man is free...

and has change in his pockets,

they'll come a-creepin',
and they can't be stopped.

Now sleep...

if you can.

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

Wow.

Some story,
huh, kids?

Yeah.

Now, join me
in a little song we learned

when I was a lad
at camp Skoharry.

* Alas, my love
You do me wrong *

* To cast me out
Discourteously *

* For I have
Loved you so long *

So this is
how it ends, eh, Dad?

* Greensleeves *

Steve,
could you shut up?

Al, I'm trying
to get these kids' minds

off the fact
that they are going to die.

* Greensleeves *

It's gonna be okay.

See, your mother hasn't
heard from us for a while.

So, she thinks
we're havin' a good time.

Ergo, she has to stop it.

So she's probably on the phone
to the state troopers by now.

Peggy, did you know
your phone is off the hook?

What if our husbands
wanna call us?

That's why
it's off the hook.

Gimme a chance.
I'll guess the name of the leaf.

[SNIFFS]

Ah, smells familiar.

Hmm, jagged edges.

Ah! I'm sure I know this.

Maybe tasting it
would help.

Nope, I'm stumped.
What is it?

Poison oak! Poison oak!

[CAMPERS LAUGH]

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, that was
a good one, guys.

Well, when Uncle Steve
gets done

bathing his body
and tongue in the stream,

he'll hurry back
and teach you all

how to play tree-diving.

Bundy,
you stink.

We're
starving.

Dad, I had
a date tonight

with a girl
they call Ever Ready.

Now, why haven't the women
come to save us?

I don't know.
Maybe they can't find us.

Maybe there's
a white sale someplace.

All right, look, kids, you're
old enough to know the truth.

They left us here to rot.

But don't worry...

we've got a secret w*apon.

STEVE:
Owl in my hair!
Owl in my hair!

It's not him, is it?

No! No, it's Buck.

See, we'll send Buck home
with a note

telling the women
where we are,

and we'll be saved.

Do you think
Buck can do it?

I know he can.

'Cause I've dropped him off
in every part of town,

he always
finds his way home.

Hey, Buck,
take this note.

Go find Mommy.

Run, boy!

Run like
the wind!

CAMPERS:
Go, go, go, go!

I think if we keep
our wits about us,

we'll all come out
of this okay.

Bees!

Full house.

Read 'em and weep.

All I've got
is four ones.

Those are aces,
honey.

You mean
I win again?

I guess I'll never
get this game right.

Four ones.

Four ones?

That's the seventh hand
in a row

she's gotten four ones.

Are you calling
my daughter a cheat?

Well, where I come from,
if it walks like a cheat,

quacks like a cheat,

we string it up
like a cheat.

Marcie,
think about it.

If my daughter
were a cheat,

she wouldn't be
failing high school.

Thanks, Mom.

All right, ladies.
This time, kings are wild.

Just deal, girlie.

Do you think
the guys are okay?

Oh, I'm sure
they're fine.

They're with
my Steve.

He was practically
born in the woods.

Put thome more mud
on my tongue, pleathe.

The poithon oak
ith really kicking in.

Vewy thoothing.

Okay,
kids.

If we get out of this alive,
what are we going to do?

Victor?

Never marry.

That's right.

So remember, kids,
when you meet a woman,

no matter how nice she is
or what she looks like,

remember...

women get worse.

They get...

Older.

Meaner.

Fatter?

Leth compathonate.

AL:
Very good.

Bud,
how's Steve doing?

He's doin' great,
Dad.

Who are
we kidding?

He's a goner.

I say we put
rocks in his pockets

and roll him
into the river.

Hey, that's good buzzard bait
you're throwin' away there.

Ah, what am I sayin'?

Buck the Wonder Dog
will save the day.

[***]

[GROANS]

What's wrong
with Mr. Rhoades?

He's dying, Victor.

Thus dies
the house of Agamemnon.

[PIRATE ACCENT]
Tie him to the yardarm,
Mr. Christian!

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

[ENGLISH ACCENT]
Oh, look, Father,
I sat in something icky.

Should I get
a club, Dad?

Nah, at least watchin' him
gives us somethin' to do.

[STEVE GAGGING]

Oh, cool,
he's foaming again.

Enjoy it while you can,
'cause help is on the way.

Come on, Buck.

ALL [CHANTING]:
Come on, Buck!

Tha ba, ga.

ALL:
Come on, Buck!

Ah guh, buh.

ALL:
Come on, Buck!

[***]

Yes, I'm going to
the Oozing Meat concert,

and I would like
a stretch limo.

Oh, and have some lobster
back there for me.

Gettin' backstage
is hungry work, you know.

That was fun,
wasn't it?

Yeah, great.
Filthy little cheat!

I lost
my grocery money.

Me too.

My husband's
gonna go nuts.

Oh, don't worry.

Just tell him
you've got PMS,

and you'll k*ll him.

Honey...

I didn't wanna say anything
while the girls were here,

but I saw you cheating.

Now, you know
what you have to do.

Yes, Mommy.

[SIGHS]

The usual percent?

Let's make it ,

just to teach you
a lesson.

[DOG HOWLS]

Kelly, can't your dates
just honk the horn

like they did in my day?

Oh, it's Buck.

I thought he went
with the guys.

Well, I guess not.

Oh, look, he's got
something in his mouth.

[GROWLS]
Oh!

Well...

Guess he'll give it to us
when he's ready.

Yeah.

[MOANING]

Can't we
shut him up?

We need him, Bud.

He's keepin'
the animals away.

Don't worry
about it.

Buck's gonna
save us.

Believe me.

I ought
to know, I...

[WEAKLY]
I trained him.

[MOANING]